


What I Said Was A Lie

by youbecamemyhabit



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, DRUNK PEOPLE! PLOTTING MURDER! CASUAL FLUFF! the classics, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hyungwon struggles with lots of anxiety, I have too many knowledge about korean dramas yall warned, I made my sacrifice: there's a bit of smut, Kihyungwon are childhood friends, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Sharing a Bed, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, anyways bless all the gays what do i have to do with the straights, hyungwon is the personification of the word DISRESPEK, i dont have the heart to write a sad ending my life is already miserable, look. im sorry in advance, lots of cameos and memes, ot6 being the biggest shippers of this couple, some Paris plots, some millennials with childhood traumas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-02-03 20:59:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 224,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12756111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youbecamemyhabit/pseuds/youbecamemyhabit
Summary: “Calm down.” Hyungwon’s voice echoed through the small room; it didn’t tremble anymore. “I’m not blaming you of anything. Actually, you distracted me of not fainting due lack of oxygen.”the fake dating au we all need more in our lives buckle up bitches





	1. The Twilight Wasn't Lying

Whoever said that college is a must go through to help you shape your character and experience unique things, obviously is a major asshole. In college, timing is the one thing you constantly keeps get it wrong; sometimes it’s a class you thought it’d be interesting when you applied and it resulted in the most boring shit in the existence of human race. Sometimes is about the people you meet; good timing is a luxury most people don’t get. Hyungwon was one of them. Otherwise, what would explain the fact that he’s having a panic attack inside of a  _not so clean_  maintenance room? It goes like this: it feels like he isn’t there. The air that should easily go through his lungs started a game of hide and seek; Hyungwon keeps trying to reach it so he can win and breath normally again, however his enemy is his own goddamn brain. He knows he can get his shit together, he keeps repeating this as a mantra while being shot by his own head with things he logically knows isn’t the truth, but it’s so compelling, so inviting, so familiar.

Hyungwon didn’t think much about how he got there; he pushed the first door that was open and his legs immediately gave up on him, he was on the floor and the world was suddenly silent and noisy at the same time. His breath was still failing him, as if he forgot how to inhale oxygen properly. That wasn’t how he imagined that his day was going to end, though. Lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t even realized he hadn’t locked up the door and it was too late.

Someone already entered the room.

Hyungwon’s vision was blurry as if he was a nearsighted without glasses, the metallic bitter taste in his tongue alerted him that his mouth was bleeding on the inside. It was a boy, his mind registered. The boy was panting as if he just had ran a marathon, and even if he couldn’t see the boy’s face, at least he was sure the boy wasn’t the person he didn’t want to face in that moment — the one who made him have a goddamn panic attack, one he had to suppress until his responsibilities were done for the day.

“Oh.”

The buzz in Hyungwon’s ears was still quite loud, but somehow he heard what the boy said when he finally turned around and saw Hyungwon on the floor, with his legs pressed up against his chest, sweating everywhere, probably a mess of a human being. The scaring thought of someone seeing him in this state —  _I can handle this, they don’t need to see me like this, I'll be fine_  — was what allowed his eyes to completely see the person in front of him; the only yellow light in the middle of the two old shelves in the room resembled a dream, but Hyungwon knew he wasn’t dreaming; he had his share of what was real and what wasn’t. He did.

The boy, carefully stepping towards Hyungwon, seemed like he was watching a wounded dog — this thought made Hyungwon angry, but he didn’t have the energy to express that. Hyungwon’s gaze never left the boy, receiving reciprocal treatment. While the air in his lungs was becoming steady, the boy seemed to look more like a kicked out puppy. Oddest fucking thing in all the 23 years of Hyungwon’s life. When the figure crouched down near him — not too close, but not to far away so he could be heard by Hyungwon. Which wouldn't be that hard since the room was ridiculously small, but he wasn't about to start an argument. In the end, all Hyungwon wanted to do was laugh, laugh because he was fucking pathetic and now he had an audience.

“Are you okay?”  _Soft voice_ , Hyungwon registered,  _it almost didn’t match his physical features._ “Shit, are you okay?” Now he sounded kind of panicked, which was fucking hilarious to Hyungwon that, 10 minutes ago, was struggling to breath like a normal human being.

So Hyungwon laughed.

The boy tilted his head in confusion — he got closer — Hyungwon noticed. There wasn’t a single thing about people he didn’t notice, and at some point he stopped thinking about it as a bad thing. All those bodies around him every day were so easy to read; they never invited him to, but they kept their doors open.

Once Hyungwon stopped laughing — which he thought it was the right thing to do before he could have no air inside his chest — he looked up to face the boy. He still looked like he was about to lose his shit; Hyungwon couldn’t decipher if it was because of him or related to the motive he entered the room. “Okay”, Hyungwon mumbled, but the boy heard it and his face unveiled something close to relief. Said boy spoke something Hyungwon didn’t pay enough attention to, he creepily kept staring at the boy to see if he was real. It's completely astonishing to Hyungwon how he was always learning new ways of embarrassing himself.

If he remembered correct, the boy was a bit smaller than him. However, seeing him up close, Hyungwon felt like a paper doll. Yes, he was taller than the average and didn’t have a body he was ashamed of, but next to the boy Hyungwon had the thought that he should feel threatened by him; but he didn’t. The boy’s hair was a mess of blue and black, like an abstract painting that doesn’t make sense for most people because, honestly, it's bullshit. His body was the opposite of his face; muscles and thickness everywhere Hyungwon (creepily) looked made it seen like the boy was made of steel; he clearly was one of those people who actually took care of his health and shit. His face was soft like his voice; Hyungwon wasn’t sure if this was his permanent look or if he was particularly displaying this one to not scare Hyungwon off.

“Are you okay?” The black and blue haired boy asked once more; his body moved to sit in front of Hyungwon, in the opposite shelf. His voice was uncertain, as if it was scared of the punishment of saying the wrong thing. “I mean… You don’t have to tell me anything… I guess… Just… Are you okay? Were you having a panic attack?”

Hyungwon pushed himself up against his shelf; at some point he realized he was almost laying on the floor. The boy’s last question felt as if he was reading Hyungwon’s mind; he felt a bit invaded, but his logical brain knew it wasn’t like that, so he pushed this sensation to the depth of his thoughts. “Yeah.” Hyungwon’s voice was trembling more that he wanted to show, and he hated it. “Did you lock the door?”

The boy looked at Hyungwon like the latter just had asked the most absurd question in the history of mankind. Hyungwon wanted to laugh once more when the boy spoke again. “What? I… What? Why?”

The wheeze that left his mouth was uncontrollable.

“Because… I don’t want anyone else to come here and see me like that. You already did, so I don’t feel like I need more embarrassment that I'll remember for the next 10 years.”

His mouth was open was if he found out the biggest mystery of the universe; now the boy seemed to comprehend what was happening. The crappy light above their heads made a horrible job of allowing him to read the boy’s face, Hyungwon was almost sure he could see the boy slightly blushing. He wanted to laugh again.

“I’m… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I didn’t planned… I didn’t…”

“Calm down.” Hyungwon’s voice echoed through the small room; it didn’t tremble anymore. The boy was rushing his limbs as if the place was on fire and he needed to escape. “I’m not blaming you of anything. Actually, you distracted me of not fainting due lack of oxygen.”

The boy smiled. A wave of everything that Hyungwon had experienced for the first time was hitting him again; his first kiss (the boy kissing him just made a fool of himself, and in that situation Hyungwon also wanted to laugh), his first time driving a car, his first time seeing the sea (it amazed the shit out of him because the world was big and he no longer felt trapped), his first time stepping into his university, his first time losing control and feeling like he was going to die. Well, definitely weird, he made sure of not forgetting that. It seemed worthwhile.

There was a brief silence between the shelves and Hyungwon looked up again, but the boy was facing his feet this time. What does one do after witnessing a stranger having a panic attack and now the atmosphere around them seems kind of weird? Hyungwon never knew about the protocol for this, and he was almost sure the boy also didn’t.

“Hyungwon.” His voice, a bit deeper than the boy’s, sounded like it was making the announcement of the century. Being dramatic wasn’t on top of his priorities’ list, though. When his hand touched his own face, he realized he must have been entirely wrecked.  _Way to go, stupid._  “I’m Hyungwon. Chae Hyungwon. I think if you watch some weird guy losing his shit and you try to help him, at least it’s right to let you know who he is. Well, just so you can avoid said weird guy if there's a next time.”

The boy laughed, loud and clear. It was all the summers he spent reading books in the porch of his grandma’s house — a small but cozy place in Gwangju he loved to visit because it was peaceful and his grandmother didn’t demand much of him; they had their private spaces and liked to respect each other. It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t like they were distant or didn’t want to speak with each other. They did, very much. His grandma was a lot like him; his grandfather once told Hyungwon he envied the easy way Hyungwon found out to have a special link with his grandmother, while his grandfather had a bit of work to do to accomplish that.

_Why do I keep thinking about these things? Stop being weird, Hyungwon, Jesus Christ._

“Shin Hoseok. That’s my name.” His voice was still soft and airy, like dandelions being scattered by the wind. “And I don’t think you’re weird. By the way, if someone here is weird it’s me.”

“Why?”  _Why did I ask that?_

“Because I bursted in here to hide from someone. People do these things in movies and it never seems like it’s weird, but it kinda is. So, not only I’m the weirdo, I also must look like an idiot right now.”

“You look older than me.”  _Why the fuck am I saying these things? Brain, please._

Hoseok laughed again. It kept being a wormhole of nostalgia, Hyungwon just saw himself witnessing his parents fighting for the fifth time in a single day. Kihyun grabbed his hand and they started running around the block; Hyungwon didn’t understand why Kihyun was laughing so hard and making faces at him, but he laughed too. He forgot, because that’s what 7 years old do.

“I’m 24. You?”

“23. I was right.”

At this point, Hyungwon was begging for Hoseok to stop laughing. He didn’t know what to do with all these sensations, it was too goddamn much. Hyungwon looked at him one last time before he stood up and made his way to the door of the maintenance room; he didn’t want to see what was in the boy’s face. His courtesy was giving his back to Hoseok, saying a quick  _thank-you-i-have-to-go-now-so-thank-you-i’m-leaving-first._  Hyungwon was scared because he didn’t know why he was running away, and that was more terrifying than knowing what he was afraid of. It’s something he didn’t read in Hoseok’s face, he concluded later.

He heard when Hoseok yelled a  _wait_ that was muffled by the door closing behind him and the sound of his quick steps looking for the next exit of the building. Once he was outside, Hyungwon stopped and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to forget how Hoseok looked like, he didn’t want to forget his laugh even if it was a powerful trigger. It was the first interesting thing that happened to him in a lot of years. He hid his mess of head inside his hood and kept walking and walking and walking, mechanically arriving at a bus station. The twilight gaining form in the sky made him doubt again if all of this hadn’t been just one of his really vivid dreams. Maybe that was it.

Hyungwon wasn’t right.


	2. What It Is About Him

“Kihyun, I swear to God, I’ll throw you off the fucking window.”

Hyungwon’s day has been long. Awfully long. The winter break is over and, within two weeks, he already had been burdened with five essays. He liked his major in Literature most of the time, but there were  _days_  that he felt like this was all too much; the university, the people around him, himself. He still had two years in the fifth circle of hell — A lovely nickname for his college that he used in these days. Hyunwoo calls it “very dramatic”. Which he wasn’t. He didn’t have the time for that anyway. Time seemed to slip fast through his fingers when he needed it the most, and it doesn’t help that Hyungwon can’t concentrate in more than one thing at once. A feast to his anxiety — it was getting worse, but he didn’t mention about it to anyone. He didn’t have the time for that too.

His last breakdown had been one month ago; of course he would remember. That laugh was the main and only character in the scenarios of his thoughts, so Hyungwon momentarily he forgot what he was mad about.

Hyungwon had entered his room in the college dorm 10 minutes ago and found a very excited Kihyun sprawled on his bed, holding his head up with the help of his elbow.  _Good lord_. Hyungwon’s brain didn’t manage to pay attention to his discourse at first, but it was absolutely impossible to ignore Yoo fucking Kihyun for much long. The man liked attention and believe it, he’d get it. Hyungwon didn’t mind, never did. Since he was 7 years old, his social group revolved around Kihyun because he was the one that did all the talking. Hyungwon, usually with a book in hands, would say a sentence or two in the middle of the conversation, and Kihyun always would built something from that to keep a fresh atmosphere. Kihyun didn’t mind, never did.

Their friendship began with a huge collision between them in one of the hallways of their school; Little Hyungwon carried two books in one hand and held the book he was currently reading in the other one. He didn’t notice when a brown-haired whirlwind came in his direction, panting and covered in sweat. The small idiots wind up on the floor, but instead of being angry, they stared at each other for about ten seconds and started laughing. Kihyun apologized — the other one tried too, which Kihyun cut it quickly with a “Nah, boy.” He also explained the reason of his race: he had seen a spider near his locker and immediately lost his shit. Hyungwon had to bring a hand to his mouth to contain his snort, and that day was also the day Kihyun started calling him “dumbass”. He never stopped since then.

“What?” Kihyun looked up to where Hyungwon was standing, near the door, with an overly scenic voice as if he was truly offended. “I’m having a  _nice_ talk with Hyunwoo, it’s a type of heresy? Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.” A well-spoken asshole, as always. Hyungwon’s migraine wasn’t getting better.

Hyunwoo, his roommate, a 25-year-old theater major — his minor was in Dance, which Hyungwon thought it fits him better, but he isn’t going to tell others how to live. Honest to Christ, the man was one of the kindest people Hyungwon ever met. He could be affable but shy sometimes, mostly when in an environment he felt like he didn’t belong to. Anyone that hadn’t spoke with him would conclude that he is one of those gym rats (He was, though, but not the point) that would restrain themselves to a certain social scene, and maybe also quite of scaring because, well, the man looked like he could crush Hyungwon’s head with one hand while using the other to take a sip of coffee. Hyunwoo couldn’t even kill the insects that sometimes showed up in their room, though.

His hyung was also the most patient person he ever encountered so far. Three or four times a week, Kihyun would come over and started talking about the most random things that inhabited his brain. Even if he was doing something, Hyunwoo managed to  _actually_  listen and give some inputs to the subjects, and this was something Hyungwon was certain that had granted him a penthouse in heaven.

Contrary to his best friend, Hyunwoo was a tranquil person, and Hyungwon will never forget thanking whoever God that was up there for this perfect pairing.

“Kihyun,  _please_.” Hyungwon approached the wooden chair of their shared table, exhausted, but didn’t sit down. “I don’t have the energy to listen to you today.”

“I thought you were going to throw me off the  _fucking_  window.”

Hyungwon sighed at the sight of Kihyun’s grin; he knew he couldn’t win an argument with his best friend and one day he was sure they’d end up trying to kill each other. But love wins and shit, one couldn’t live without the other.

“I just—I…” Great, he couldn’t even form a phrase anymore. Mercy, please.

“Hey” Kihyun frowned, and Hyunwoo closed his book in his peripheral vision. “What is it? It’s something we can resolve with murder? Hyunwoo could easily carry a body.”

Hyungwon snorted, he was too tired to even begin the explanation.

“Stop inciting murder, Ki.”

“Said the one that muttered that was going to throw me off the _fucking_ window.”

“I swear to God—”

“I’m not carrying any corpse for any of you, but I’ll visit you in prison with some nice candies.”

Kihyun and Hyungwon stared at Hyunwoo for about ten seconds after he interrupted their discussion with this statement. Good Lord, bless this man, he’s too good for this world.

The oldest remained stoic while Kihyun and Hyungwon’s laughter echoed through the room and Hyunwoo reopened his book; Hyungwon’s migraine was getting better.

He went to settle himself beside Kihyun in his single bed — kind of bigger than the usual single beds, but Hyungwon wasn’t going to complain — and rested his head in the boy’s shoulder, releasing a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. His bag was long forgotten on the floor near the table.

“Seriously Turtle, what happened?” Kihyun turned around a bit to face his friend, but still allowing Hyungwon to rest in his shoulder. Silence. “Talk to me, dumbass. I can’t help if I don’t know the problem.”

“Ki…” He sighed when acknowledged his best friend’s hand patting his hair. “Just… you wouldn’t leave me even if I did something stupid, right?”

“So it does involve murder.”

“ _Kihyun_.” He looked up to reassure he was being serious. A pause. “I don’t know, I’m just so afraid of  _everything_. Being here wasn’t scary in the beginning, why now? You’re one year ahead of me and you’re fine, why can’t I be too? Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning while everyone else is happily swimming.”

“Jesus Christ, Chae Hyungwon.” His voice didn’t sound mad, quite the contrary. “No one in this college is  _fine_. I doubt if even there’s someone in the world that is completely fine. College fucks us up, unfortunately that’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with feeling like this, you hear me? You’re not alone, and you’ll never be because I’ll bother you even after we die and become the most handsome ghosts in afterlife. Clear?”

_Eloquent motherfucker._

“You look like you’re my mother sometimes.”

Kihyun scoffed. “I’m not your mother.” Then he proceeds to do a bad imitation of James Earl Jones’ voice. “ _I’m your father, Hyungwon._ ”

Hyungwon heard Hyunwoo laughing and lifted his head to see the man amusedly shaking his head.

“Shut the fuck up, Ki.” Hyungwon didn’t know what to do, and when you don’t know what to do the only right thing is to sleep. He cuddled in Kihyun’s chest like a child, and gave a last sigh.

“One of these days I’ll demand honorifics from you, insolent brat.”

A muffled voice came from Kihyun’s neck. “You’re 16 years late.”

 

Hyungwon met Hoseok again in that same week. He wasn’t looking for him, he never did. Honestly, he was afraid of knowing the reason Hoseok made him feel those things. Life had other plans, apparently.

He froze in the middle of the hallway he used to go to his last class of the day — some philosophy shit that was giving him a hard time. Clear as day, Hyungwon heard his laugh and in a heartbeat, he knew it was him standing by one of the class doors. Someone with a dark blue hair, like night sky, was beside him gesturing something like his life depended on it. Hyungwon felt like he couldn’t move at all, not even to keep his head down. He didn’t want to stare, Hoseok wouldn’t notice him anyway. Oh boy, a pair of eyes almost burning a hole in Hoseok’s body didn’t go unnoticed. So looked over his friend’s shoulder.

He knew.

Hoseok thought about their encounter in the maintenance room almost every day after that. He didn’t know what it was about the boy that made him feel like he’d been living in the wrong way until that very moment, and suddenly the entire universe was transparent to him. Hyungwon — that was the boy’s name, he remembers. Not that he wanted to search for him —  _he did_ , and only found his SNS account that hadn’t been used in two years, but at least had a couple of pictures. After two weeks, Minhyuk started pointing out that what he was doing was rather creep, or _“Stop staring at his pictures and go talk to him, you overgrown chicken”_ , as his friend exactly phrased.

Hyungwon looked like he had seen a ghost; wide eyes, paleness everywhere and Hoseok was almost sure the boy was trembling a little bit. They weren’t that far apart, yet an invisible, large sea seemed to take place between them; somehow he could feel that Hyungwon didn’t know how to swim. Minhyuk is a quick-witted asshole, has always been in all the two years they knew each other. Hoseok’s friend turned around to see what caught his hyung’s attention and the _stupid smirk_  in his face when Minhyuk swung his body back in Hoseok’s direction was going to be the death of him; one day he was going to murder Minhyuk, he was sure of it even if he was a bit of a chicken.

“If you don’t go there, the worst will happen.” Minhyuk declared, amused as fuck, with a threatening tone. “Which is  _me_  going there to talk with your crush. You know what that’s like.”

“I don’t have a crush on him.” Hoseok didn’t. He was just intrigued  _what it was_  about the boy.

 

Hyungwon was still frozen in the corner of the hallway, and he couldn’t stop looking at the blond man. His brain knew this shit was creep and he was  _trying_  to get his legs to work again, but everything seemed to be working against him. Goddamnit, he wanted Kihyun to be there.

The unexpected always happens in the worst timing possible, and Hyungwon didn’t know why he was surprised to see him — Hoseok — shyly walking towards where he stood. Hoseok moved his body in the same way he first did back in the maintenance room, as if he was approaching a wounded dog. He wanted to be pissed off, however that function of his body was also out of reach.

_Please, don’t smile, don’t smile._

Fucking hell, he did.

“It’s you, isn’t it?”  _Voice still soft, what the fuck._  “A month ago in the main—"

“Yes.” Hyungwon didn’t know when he regained the ability to speak, nor why he responded Hoseok’s question. “Sorry, I—

“Stop apologizing.” He smiled again.  _Does he do this all the time? For fuck’s sake._ “It’s okay. Just wanted to ask if you were okay after… well, that.” He read the nervousness in Hyungwon’s face so fast it made Hyungwon feel awkward.

“I’m…” Hyungwon finally succeed to divert his eyes down to his feet, and felt pathetic. “I’m good. I’m sor—”

“Look, are you free now?” Hyungwon wasn’t. The stupid class. “My friend and I are heading to a coffee shop nearby, do you want to join us? Minhyuk is… something, but he’s nice.”  _Another smile. Good God._  “I understand if—”

“Okay”  _Why the hell did I say that? I have class. Boring ass class._  “I… I mean… if I won’t be a nuisance or—”

“Hyungwon, right?” The raven-haired nodded. “Hyungwon, I’m not inviting you just to be polite. I want you to come. I think you’re nice.”

Something warm spread through Hyungwon’s body, just like the smell of wet earth after the rain.  _Why?_

“Okay.” Hyungwon wanted Kihyun to be there. Or Hyunwoo. Anyone he could use as an excuse. However, a part of him wanted to go, just to find closure — he told himself. The other man beamed at his second response —  _when will he stop?_  — and started heading back to his friend, looking over his shoulder to see if Hyungwon was following him. He was.

 

 

Hoseok didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know what he was doing most of his life, to be sincere. Until some point it was fun and wild, but it’s side effects became more unpleasant than the fun he had. These thoughts got mixed with thoughts of the boy; not quite a puzzle, Hoseok felt like he was playing a chess game when it was about Hyungwon. The taller boy still seemed so timid — almost intimidated — that his head was creating a lot of different options of how to be closer, how to show that he cared. He didn’t expect Hyungwon to accept his offer — not that he didn’t want the him to come; it just didn’t seem to fit the boy’s aura.

However, the time in Hoseok’s life were divided in Before Hyungwon and After Hyungwon; there was no other calendar possible to him. He was really  _something_ , something that Hoseok still couldn’t pinpoint the origin or what it was, but Hyungwon was something that changed a part of him. With time, he realized, too, that sometimes Hyungwon could be a bit of… extremely unsocial — he tried to understand all the times Hyungwon turned down his invitations to hang out because he wasn’t in the mood for  _people_. After the coffee shop, their friendship grew naturally, and there were moments that it seemed like it has always been there. That was a year ago.

 

 

Minhyuk was really the worst. And also the best. He loved Hyungwon after 15 minutes of chatting with the boy about a movie Hoseok couldn’t remember the name (probably because he found it boring) and that was the day he saw Hyungwon smiling for the first time. Minhyuk was  _really_  the best. 

That was also how Minhyuk met his boyfriend, or how he likes to call him, “The most beautiful and enormous teddy bear I’ve ever laid eyes and hands on”. Minhyuk was majoring in Art, with Film Studies as his minor. And being Minhyuk, of course he unlocked the achievement of entering the wrong classroom in a bad Thursday morning, and only realizing it ten minutes later. A man sitting beside him lifted his head in confusion when he heard a heartfelt _“fuck”_ coming from the next side. Minhyuk sat through the entire wrong class — something about greek people, he didn’t even bothered to pay attention, he didn’t have the energy to go to his actual class — scrolling through all his social medias and playing a game on silent mode, because he wasn’t that big of an asshole to interrupt other people’s studies.

Hyunwoo wanted to be distraught about the person on his right side. He should be, since the night sky blue-haired boy kept distracting him with those tiny lights that came from his phone — he was playing a goddamn game in class, for God’s sake. Too bad Hyunwoo was already fascinated by him; sometimes the boy would giggle silently and his eyes squinch up, his entire body moving in ways that resembled a excited child.  Hyunwoo questioned himself if it was possible to get a crush on someone so freaking fast. When he arrived his dorm room later, Hyungwon was dozing off was usual and normally, he wouldn’t disturb the younger, but he had to spill that to someone or else he’d self-combust.

“Hyungwon-ah.” Hyunwoo carefully approached his roommate’s bed and saw Hyungwon slowly opening his eyes, not really disturbed about being woken up by someone — which was really rare. Hyunwoo chose to consider himself lucky.

The response came in a form of “Hmm”.

“Can we talk?” Hyungwon probably thought it was something actually serious, since Hyunwoo never wakes him up when he gets home, and Hyunwoo kind of felt guilty. “Calm down, nothing bad happened.” He saw the boy’s features coming back to the normal easy and felt ready to continue.

“Hyung, what is it?” There wasn’t demand in his tone, it was more an actual concern.

Hyunwoo talked about the boy that bursted into his class and asked Hyungwon’s opinion if it was even a possible crush. He couldn’t be certain in such short amount of time. Hyungwon was frowning.

“Hyungwon-ah?”

His friend didn’t reply. He simply got up, headed to the shared table and grabbed his phone. Seating beside Hyunwoo this time, he unlocked the device to search for something. After a while, Hyungwon lifted his face along with his hand, holding his phone in front of his hyung’s face.

“Is this the person you’re talking about?”

It was, _holy shit_. In the picture, the boy with the dark blue hair was smiling from ear to ear, clinging onto Hyungwon like a koala; the latter just grinned accepting his situation. He looked at the picture, then back to Hyungwon, then back to the picture.

“His name is Minhyuk. I met him four months ago, he’s Hoseok’s best friend. He came here a couple of times with Hoseok, but you had that part time job so you never met him.”

Hyunwoo was pretty dumbfounded. “How did you know I was talking about him?”

Hyungwon laughed briefly before responding. “It’s  _Minhyuk_. There’s no other human being like Minhyuk. Maybe with the same name, but this Minhyuk is the supreme Minhyuk. He just exists in a way that the mankind isn’t ready for yet. He’s a very nice person though.”

“Does he…”

“No, he’s not straight, God bless him. And no, he doesn’t have a boyfriend. Do you want his number?”

“Gosh, Hyungwon. That’s not how things work. I just saw him _today.”_

“Are you going at least to make a move? I think you may be his type, and I’m not being biased.”

Hyunwoo stared at Hyungwon again and pondered.

“Hyung.” Hyungwon brought him back from his musings. “Do you want at least to meet him properly? I can invite him here, the man is half koala and half human, he loves to hang out at any time.” The raven-haired boy watched his hyung going from frustrated to nervous in a matter of seconds. A different approach. “Let’s have lunch with him tomorrow. You can think more about it and if you don’t want to do it, I won’t say anything else. At least you can check if it’s an actual crush you have on him.”

Minhyuk is the most perceptive person Hyungwon has ever met, and sometimes that even benefited him, but he was fucking oblivious when it was about his love life. Sure, he had a weird way of approaching people, but his antics didn’t erase the fact that the man was the personification of a sunshine. When Minhyuk was in high school, he felt out of place the entire time he stayed there. It wasn’t a welcoming environment for him, so Minhyuk kept his head down and accepted he couldn’t be himself in that school.

When Minhyuk got accepted into the university, he swore to himself that he finally would make this place give him the best experiences of his life, and that includes feeling like he belongs here. Minhyuk broke the shackles that held him back; it was never meant to be there anyway, and he was tired of being a pretender. He loved being around people, he loved meeting new people, he loved being liked by people and making them happy. There were still those who called him weird in _that_  bad way, there was still a fear of waking up some day and discover that all of that was fake; he didn’t want to be alone anymore. Growing up with no friends made him develop a kindness he wished he could receive from someone, but people around him seemed like predators and him, a lost puppy. He was happy in college, truly; he studied something he loved — despite the mean opinions of his father, but fuck him and his homophobic ass —, people were nice to him, he even had a best friend. An idiot of best friend, though. Minhyuk still had  _not so good_  days like everyone else, but he didn’t have to put on a mask anymore. When he showed this side of him to those who were closest to him, they explained that he wasn’t doing anything out of ordinary or wrong, that he was allowed to be dreary when he felt like it. The structure of Minhyuk’s character had as it’s base strong honesty, one that he wouldn’t trade or hide anymore.

Hoseok and him were eating sandwiches near the Art building and of course Minhyuk was talking, eating and breathing at the same time — no one knew how that was possible, Hyungwon and Hoseok seriously considered bringing someone to study the man. But that was just Minhyuk being Minhyuk, so the thought was forgotten. Hoseok heard Hyungwon’s voice near him and looked up; the taller boy was walking towards them with someone he assumed was his roommate, Son Hyunwoo. The description Hyungwon gave about his friend, “Hench tanned man, looks like a teddy bear but could kill you if he wanted to” was rather accurate.

“WONNIE!” Minhyuk didn’t know how to welcome people if wasn’t by lovingly screaming their names and making others around them share a confused look. “I didn’t know you were having lunch with us today!”

“I didn’t plan, it just… kinda happened.” He smiled. Hoseok liked when he did that, even if it made everyone within five miles radius feel like a malformed potato when compared to him. He was handsome, of course. But if there was a competition about who was the most handsome human being alive, Hoseok was sure Hyungwon could made at least to the final round. “Can we sit?”

Minhyuk finally seemed to notice Hyungwon’s roommate, turning his head in his direction like a puppy does when a stranger appears. The dark blue-haired boy smiled, like always. “Hi! You must be Hyunwoo, right? Wonnie talked about you a couple of times. By the way, I gotta ask: has someone ever said to you that you resemble one of those teddy bears from a really old western cartoon? Because you do.”

Hyungwon choked on nothing and Hoseok laughed so loud that people now stared weirdly at him only.

“Minhyukkie, what the fuck” Hoseok was still laughing, and Minhyuk seemed oblivious to the whole thing. Hyungwon and his roommate, sitting in front of them, didn’t seem bothered by the whole thing. “You can’t—”

“A couple of times.” Hyunwoo’s voice was gentler than Hoseok expected. “I guess I do look like them.”

Hyungwon used one of his hands to cover his laughter, and Hoseok hated it. It felt like he was ashamed of himself, and Hoseok  _hated_  it.

Minhyuk turned to his side to fully face Hoseok, and with the most solemn tone he ever heard, Minhyuk asked: “Hyung, can we keep him? I liked him.”

Hoseok was very sure he saw the tanned man blush, but chose to concentrate in answering Minhyuk’s absurdity.

“Minhyuk, he isn’t a dog. You have to ask if he wants to be our friend,  _your friend_.”

“I knoooooow, Hyung. But  _can we_  keep him?”

They did, because at that point Hyunwoo was a goner. Everytime Minhyuk spoke, “ _Can I call you Hyung? Hyunwoo Hyung? Hyun Hyung?”_ , he felt like he'd been waiting to meet someone like him his entire life. Hyunwoo was never a fan of extrovert people; they made him feel like there was something wrong with him for being introspective. However, there was Minhyuk. He had a warmth that could rival the goddamn sun, and never stopped smiling. That was what fucked up Hyunwoo, he was sure. That goddamn smile. When he looked up, Minhyuk's blue hair displayed a lighter tone in the natural light of the day; beautiful was a lazy word to describe the boy. Hyunwoo would work to express it better, he decided.

Minhyuk and Hyunwoo grew closer fast, so fast it baffled Hoseok a little. However, Hoseok wasn’t stupid — even a blind person could notice that there was a non-platonic tension between them. It was his time to get back at his best friend for all the teasing in the first months of their friendship with Hyungwon, and Hoseok was thrilled. In that process, he saw Minhyuk blush for the first time in two years of friendship — the older had pointed out that his friend was practically sitting on Hyunwoo’s lap in the library. PDA much.

Almost three weeks after their first meeting with Hyunwoo, who turned out to be everything Hyungwon described — kind, patient, too good for this world — and more, Hyunwoo asked Minhyuk if he wanted to have dinner with him after the end of his classes — Minhyuk only. Hoseok didn’t saw the scene, but Minhyuk had miserably described it as “his most pathetic moment since birth”, because Minhyuk’s answer to Hyunwoo came in a form of Minhyuk running off to the next bathroom to call his best friend.

“You left him there  _alone_? Really, Minhyuk?  _Really?”_

Hoseok watched his friend trying to suffocate himself with Hoseok’s pillow and wanted to laugh, but held it back because Minhyuk seemed to be truly distraught.

“I panicked, okay?” A muffled voice came from under the pillow. “I… didn’t expect that, because it sounded like he was asking me out on a date.”

“He was asking you out on a date, Lee Minhyuk.”

“Hyung.” The dark blue-haired boy emerged and sit up with his feet dangling off the bed. “Hyuuuuuuung, what do I do?”

“First things first, apologize to him because Hyungwon just texted me saying he looked so sad in their room that he didn’t even hit the gym today.” Minhyuk’s face fell as soon as Hoseok made his pause. He wanted to hug the younger boy, but this had to be done. “Next, just say that you want to go to have the fucking dinner with him because you like him, and you ran because you panicked.”

Minhyuk cried out very loud, but got up and started running towards Hyungwon’s room. Hoseok barely caught a glimpse of Minhyuk storming out of his room. The amount of drama this boy brings into Hoseok’s life, Jesus Christ. At least they’d never be bored if they kept Minhyuk around.

 

Hyungwon wanted to sleep, more than _anything_. He considered the option of being an asshole and leaving his friend to suffer in silence, because his day had been one of those bad days and he was tired as fuck. Instead, he chose to text Hoseok to ask for enlightenment. Five minutes later, his door was being abused by someone’s fist hitting on it, so hard and loud that Hyungwon was sure the whole floor heard it.

“Hey” Minhyuk ignored Hyungwon's greeting and stood there in silence with a sorrowful expression in his face that Hyungwon didn't see not even once since they became friends.

In a very Minhyuk move, he stepped into his room and went directly to where Hyunwoo was laying down; the older couldn’t even tell when Minhyuk had arrived there. Hyungwon grabbed his phone and closed the door behind him, texting Hoseok in the hallway — he was in his pajamas and wearing flip-flops, but not the point — to tell him to hurry and come over. Hoseok’s room was two floors above Hyungwon and Hyunwoo’s, so the man should make it.

Of course Hyungwon was eavesdropping through the door, with a surprisingly amount of clarity. Hoseok was by his side three minutes later.

“Nice turtle pajamas.” Hoseok smirked at the sight of the raven-haired boy in the hallway.

Hyungwon didn’t pay attention to this aspersion and replied with a murmur. “Shut the fuck up, I’m trying to listen. Come here.”

Hoseok snorted and wanted to argue about honorifics, but followed Hyungwon’s order. What they manage to hear seemed like one of those dramas on TV, Jesus Christ.

“Hyunwoo hyung.” Minhyuk’s voice was uncertain, he didn’t want to do the wrong thing again. They recognized that pause as the one Minhyuk usually did when he was about to speak for minutes. Hyunwoo was still silent. “Hyung, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… run away like that. I didn’t know what to do, you are so nice to me and I don’t know when I started to like you so much in a non-friendly way, in the  _like like_ way, you make me happy just by existing next to me and I was scared to think about that, to talk about that and end up losing your friendship. I never felt like that before and I’ll understand if you hate me right now or I don’t know if I misunderstood things and you actually wasn’t asking me out on a date—”

“I was.”  _Damn_ , Hyungwon mouthed to Hoseok. Hyunwoo’s voice was calmer than when he’d arrived their room though.

“You were? Really? You like me too in the  _like like_  way? Because if you’re not sure we can still be fr—”

Things went silence for a few seconds and the boys in the hallway were starting to think that this was going south. It wasn’t until they heard tiny noises that grew louder that Hoseok and Hyungwon realized what was happening.

“Good Lord, now I can’t go back in and sleep with them making out like this.” Hyungwon was seriously tired. In pajamas, in the middle of the hallway of his dorm. Hoseok cackled next to him. “Stop laughing at my suffering, asshole.”

“You’re missing a hyung in that sentence.” It didn’t actually bother Hoseok, he just used it to tease the younger.

“Fuck off. Let’s go.”

“To where? It's 10pm.”

“The convenience store around the block, I barely ate today. You’re paying and I’m probably sleeping in your room.” Hyungwon began leading the way to the stairs and Hoseok just followed.

“Wait, I’m paying?”

“Yes. I left my wallet in that room that is being maculated right now.” Hoseok chuckled again. It didn’t have that weird effect in Hyungwon anymore, but he was glad to amuse his friend. “I’ll even call you hyung if you pay for it.”

“Really?”

“No. Hurry up.”

 

 

Hoseok’s mom always said that if you keep conscientiously doing something, after a while it becomes a habit. He wondered if that was what happened with Hyungwon sleeping in his room, in his bed — too large for a single bed, but he’d die before complaining about it — once or twice a week since Hyunwoo and Minhyuk started dating two months ago. Even in those nights that were too hot for them to sleep next to each other, there he was soundly numb to the rest of the world in the goddamn turtle pajamas. Hoseok’s roommate, Gunhee, couldn’t care less. Actually, if he cared less about them, he’d probably have a stroke. But he was a pleasant guy, shit you not.

“Hyungwon, I can’t move. I need to move.” Hoseok didn’t want to wake up the younger. However, he need to head to cognitive psychology class and Hoseok was already late. Hyungwon grunted in protest. Hoseok’s voice didn’t lose it’s softness. “You can go back to sleep, but I have a class right now.”

“But I want to sleep with you here.” His groggy voice sounded like a child.

“You can sleep alone, brat. You won’t die from it. Gunhee is also dead to the world over there” Hoseok pointed to the other side of the room. “and you can be like that too. But you need to get off me first.”

Hyungwon tended to clutch at him during sleep. They would fall asleep side by side in the night, usually after watching the same drama they still didn't finish after a month, and Hoseok almost always woke up with large limbs half on top of him. So it was kinda hard to move, even though Hoseok was stronger than the slender boy.

“Ugh, fine” Hyungwon got off Hoseok and and gave him the cold shoulder. “Leave.”

“I’ll buy you chicken when I come back.”

Hyungwon turned around to face the blond man; his hair was a mess and he still managed to look better than half of the world’s population. _What the fuck, Hyungwon._ “I’ll have lunch with Kihyun, you don’t have to.”

“I’ll bring the ice cream you both like too.”

Hyungwon sighed. “For fuck’s sake, you know I was sold the moment you said chicken. Go to your fucking class.” Hoseok headed to the bathroom, silently laughing. He didn’t care that much he was going to miss half of the lecture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao this is practically a 93 liners/showhyuk chapter  
> the other boys will show up soon dont fret  
> honestly i had nothing to do thats why this chapter is early than i said i'd post. the alternative title of this chapter is "hyungwon is fed up and sleepy, and has no respect for his elders that aren't hyunwoo" also HELLO GUN  
> see ya soon, kids


	3. In Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there  
> thank for the kudos and etc its nice the validation and etc  
> this chapter has mentions of panic attacks and it might be hard for some ppl so take care. its not really graphic tho.......... shit happens and  
> anyways we have 3 nice mentions in the end and HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIHYUN YOU ADORABLE TINY HAMSTER MADE OF EVERYTHING THAT'S GOOD AND SALTY IN THE WORLD have I told u guys kihyun is my dongsaeng and 2nd time he's opening a chapter lmao not intentional but here he is *finger guns*

Kihyun was trying his best, honest to God. The amount of running he’d been doing in the past 20 minutes it's the most he's ever done in his entire life. Because jogging is the worst and he’d rather have a short life span than do this torture three days a week, or whatever was the schedule of “the healthy people”. Kihyun had been surviving the entire day on coffee and only it; at least if he died in that moment he wouldn’t have to pay for his college debt. _Bitch, focus, focus_. Kihyun was concentrated with this chant in his head, still racing and probably looking like a mad person; all because he received a call from a very distressed Hyungwon that apparently was having a mental breakdown. Kihyun was out of town for the weekend; he couldn’t hear more of his sister complaining he hadn’t come to meet his niece yet. He loved her to death, but the woman is top class bitch when she wanted something. Hyungwon in a few occasions mentioned it truly runs in the family. Speaking of him, the boy was still in the dorm, apparently alone, having the worst time of his life and Kihyun was really trying to get there as soon as possible; he was going back to the university anyway, just a bit of rush was added to the package. The older still tried to convince the taller boy to come with him to his sister’s house, but he refused every single time Kihyun asked. When thinking about all the time he spent alone in college during the weekends, the brown-haired boy’s heart hurt a little.

To make everything worse, the heavy rain didn’t give any sign it was going to stop soon. The train station was so fucking crowded that it felt like Kihyun was in a supermarket one day before a holiday; crying was the first thing that he wanted to do in that moment and no one could blame him. He leaned against a wall of that fourth circle of hell to catch his breath, to think properly; his body trembled at every loud crack from the thunders in the sky.

Hyungwon was doing fine since the beginning of the year. He never even heard much from the boy about those bad, _really bad_ days; he’d tell the older about these ones most of the time. However, Kihyun knew shit went downhill when he received a call from Hyungwon. A call. Hyungwon doesn’t _call_ people and doesn’t pick up his phone either. His entire life was told through texts or said in person, and it was a difficult job to get something concrete out of that. The younger didn’t even pick up the phone 4 years ago, when Kihyun wanted to tell him he wasn’t a virgin anymore, which was a big thing to the brown-haired boy and yet that disrespectful lamppost entitled as his best friend left him hanging out to dry. He knew it wasn’t completely Hyungwon’s fault; as the years passed by, the size of his anxiety got bigger as the boy also grew inches taller.

An almost robotic voice coming from the megaphone above his head announced that the next train back to Seoul would only depart in a half hour. _Jesus fucking Christ._ He didn’t have the time for that. A 16-year-old friendship with Hyungwon taught him that when the boy asked for help it was because he didn’t have any other option. His friend thought of himself as a burden to most people; mostly because of his despicable parents that, for most of his life, treated the boy as if he was invisible. Hyungwon didn’t speak about them anymore. The only relationship he had with his mom and his dad was the ludicrous large sum of money that was deposited in Hyungwon’s bank account every month, because of fucking course, money is a good replacement for being horrible parents, right? Kihyun had more migraines about them than he could count. He wished he’d done more to protect the younger while they were growing up, maybe it would've helped with his anxiety.

Kihyun wasn’t going to make it in time, he accepted. Pulling his phone out of the front pocket of his backpack, he thought about calling his best friend. However, he knew the boy wasn’t going to pick up; the last text Hyungwon sent him a hour ago was a straightforward _“Stop worrying, I can deal with this. Don’t hurry to come, I know you’re considering that. Don’t.”_ The audacity of the brat. Of course Kihyun was going to speed his ass back to college to help him and also smack his friend in the neck once Hyungwon was fine again. Because, the audacity.

A bigger problem was that Hyungwon didn’t rely on anyone other than Kihyun when this shit happened. Kihyun wasn’t whining about that, nor found it bothersome, but when situations like the one he was currently in happened, he wanted that there was someone else that could Hyungwon would reach out if he needed. The boy grew extremely close with Hoseok and Minhyuk in the past nine months, but Hyungwon still didn’t want to be a nuisance by approaching this topic with them. A nonsense if you ask Minhyuk or Hoseok; but in his head, it was the truth.

He couldn’t do much from there, so desperate times called for desperate measures. By literally calling. Kihyun’s first pick was Minhyuk or Hyunwoo, but both were out of reach since Minhyuk decided it was a good idea to go camping that weekend. He adored the blue-haired boy; Minhyuk was nothing but a sunshine and a scammer since the day Hyungwon introduced him, but who, in their right minds, enjoyed sleeping in the woods? Didn’t they watch any western movie in which white people thought that was also a good idea and ended up slaughtered? Not that Hyunwoo would ever oppose to his boyfriend’s idea; the man was a goner and honestly, if Minhyuk asked for help with world domination, his hyung wouldn’t think twice before agreeing. Hyunwoo forgot the word “no” when he started dating that little shit made of rainbows and shitty ideas.

So Hoseok it was.

Kihyun went to a less loud space — if that was possible since people can’t shut their mouths for a second — near the exit and dialed Hoseok’s number. He was quite fond of the blond man; Hoseok was amusing and kind, and also a _massive_ cry baby. Once he went to crash in his best friend's room because he was bored and avoiding his bad life choices, and what he saw was Hoseok and Hyungwon crying — they were sobbing, good Lord — while watching Hachi - A Dog's Tale for the 20th time. That protein addict was supposed to come back from his parent’s house on Saturday, if Kihyun remembered correctly, so the older was already in college.

It took three rings for Hoseok to pick up. At that point, Kihyun knew he was going to talk on the phone mainly through screams; he was so fucking worried that he considered going back running, but to be frank, Kihyun was certain he was going to drop dead if he started moving his legs that fast again.

_“Kihyun-ah?”_

His voice sound drowsy, and Kihyun probably woke up the man for real. No time for guilt, though.

“Shin Hoseok, listen to me. Are you paying attention?” Kihyun wanted to make sure he understood the severity of that situation and he wasn’t in the mood explaining things more than once.

After a few seconds the other replied. _“Yeah, yeah”_ Kihyun heard a stirring sound through the phone, likely it was Hoseok sitting up on his bed. _“What is it?”_

“Go to Hyungwon’s room right now. He is having a breakdown for the past hour or longer than that, I don’t know.” His headache had arrived, so Kihyun cut the chase. “You saw him once like that, you know how it’s like. If he doesn’t answer the door, break in. I’m not kidding. Are you with me?”

_“Shit, shit, I, I’m on my way right now, stay on… stay on the phone. I’m going.”_

It was pretty obvious that Kihyun had scared the shit out of the older. He didn’t have time to care about that too.

The brown-haired man could hear the sounds Hoseok made while running two floors down by stairs — fuck him and his fit ass, he didn’t even have the decency of panting a little bit when he arrived at Hyungwon’s, that’s inhumane. The blond called for Hyungwon, patiently, five times.

_“I can’t hear a single sound in there. You’re sure he’s here?”_

“Hyung, _fuck_ , kick his door down. I’m not kidding.”

_“Are you seriously asking me to destroy college property? Maybe he’s in the—”_

Kihyun was going to throw that man down the fucking stairs once he arrived in that college.

His sigh was heavy and quick, running out of patience because he was really shouting. “Hyung, he probably can’t breathe, I’m not shitting you” Kihyun’s speech was so fast that wasn’t sure he was saying the correct words. “He almost had a heart attack two years ago, you’re a fucking psychology major, you know how severe anxiety is. NOW KICK DOWN THIS GODDAMN DOOR OR—”

Kihyun heard two loud thuds of Hoseok’s trying to break in, and he succeed.

 _“Hyungwon?”_ Silence on the other end of the line. _“Hyungwon?”_ Sound of a door creaking. The bathroom, Kihyun assumed. Shit.

 _“Oh God”_ The blood in Kihyun’s veins froze and now he was the one that was struggling to breathe. _“Kihyun, he’s in the bathroom, he- he’s passed out.”_ Hoseok was fucking terrified and now the younger boy felt a partial remorse. _“What do I do? Does he take meds? I- He’s breathing, he’s breathing, he’s breathing. Jesus, Kihyun, answer me!”_

“Take him out of there.” Kihyun was still yelling, but felt a wave of relief pass through his body with the fact that his best friend was still alive. “Try waking him up, put him in his bed, I don’t know his state right now so try wake him up and see if-”

The call abruptly ended. _I’m surrounded by stupid dipshits._

If anyone were in the room with Hyungwon and him in that moment, they’d could easily read the horror in his face when he saw the younger in that condition. Hyungwon looked so fragile and helpless; the view only was a thing with claws that slipped into his chest to crush his heart. Honestly, he wanted to cry, but it wasn’t the time for that; he wasn’t the priority.

Hoseok always said that Hyungwon was lighter than a leaf, even though the boy made him struggle a bit to get up when they slept in the same bed because the other was chronically clingy. Lifting him bridal style, he felt his friend's significant weight loss because he was sure he could carry Hyungwon with one arm only. In that process he accidentally hung up bluntly on Kihyun, but he didn’t notice. Hoseok was too damn concerned about the taller boy’s situation; doing what he was instructed to do was the only thing he could think in that moment.

Sure, Hoseok was a psychology major and in a lot of classes he’d learned about mental disorders, especially the chronic ones. He assisted his teachers in therapy appointments a few times; he knew how to approach someone in Hyungwon’s health state, but he never had to deal with an occurrence _that_ bad. Hoseok didn’t question Hyungwon about his anxiety after they became friends, not even how he was doing at the moment. Guilt joined the fear growing roots in his nerves; Hyungwon was still unresponsive, and very cold. The raven-haired boy was wearing just a hoodie and sweatpants, which was odd since he was constantly feeling like he was freezing inside out. Hoseok couldn’t help but if he was even taking proper care of himself.

Covering Hyungwon’s body with a comforter, he tried to wake up the boy. He was praying genuinely hard in his mind for the younger’s eyes to open. Hoseok took place beside Hyungwon on his bed, hands fixed on both sides of the boy’s body as if he was going to disappear if the blond moved. Half hovering over Hyungwon’s chest, Hoseok gently tried to wake him up again; he was still motionless cold.

 _Hypothermia, fuck_. Hoseok grabbed another comforter and climbed on the bed with caution to not harm the boy next to him; he wasn’t thinking of everything specific to do, his brain seemed to be malfunctioning when he needed it the most. A good thing was that none of Hyungwon's clothes were wet, which could worsen his situation; gently he grabbed the otherby his waist and pushed him closer until there was no space between them, determined to rewarm his friend. Hoseok wasn’t wearing any thick clothes — just t-shirt and sweatpants, so his task shouldn’t be complicated.  Suddenly a memory came to slap him in the face.

_“Hyungwonnie, please, lemme get up. I need to go to class, you don’t have any. Stay sleeping.”_

_The boy didn’t give a single sign that he was willing to cooperate._

_“Hyungwon, for fuck’s sake” Hoseok didn’t mean to push the raven-haired boy’s arm with that much of strength; God knew he wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose. But when he dragged Hyungwon’s arm off him with an unmeasured force, it hit the wall beside his friend and he uttered a loud “OUCH!”. Hoseok never felt so ashamed._

_“If I bother you that much you could’ve just said it, no need to give me a bruise.” Hyungwon didn’t sound mad. God, Hoseok wished he was fucking mad at him. His words had a frustrated tone that he’d never forget. What Hyungwon did next was getting up, grabbing his phone and putting his slippers on before storming out of the room. Still in pajamas. Even Gunhee gave him a look that screamed “You fucked up so bad, man.”_

_Three weeks passed slowly after that. The younger didn’t speak with him for three entire days, and Hoseok wanted to smash his head against the wall until Hyungwon pitied him at least to the point of actually responding his texts; the boy didn’t do phone calls. In the fourth day, he showed up at the usual lunch spot near the Art building where Minhyuk, Hyunwoo, Kihyun and him usually had lunch. He spoke with Hoseok as if nothing had happened. The blond apologized again, using every word that could express how sorry he was, but the younger changed the subject every time he tried to bring up that morning. Hoseok let it be._

Tears were flooding his eyes before he could stop them. He felt like shit again, he felt like he was the worst friend in the damn world and now Hyungwon was there, passed out and freezing because he was alone when having a panic attack. Hoseok cried even more when he realized the younger never considered ask him for support; the first time Hoseok helped him it was completely uncalled for, it didn’t count. Of course, who would call a stupid friend that didn’t do anything for them during the entire nine months of their friendship? He was sobbing hard at that point.

He rested his head on Hyungwon’s shoulder, feeling too ashamed to even look the boy. It wasn’t until he felt a tug on the sleeve of his shirt that he came back to his senses.

“Hyung” Holy shit. Hyungwon’s voice was so weak he almost didn’t hear it. Also, holy shit _again_ because Hyungwon never used honorifics with him; maybe he didn’t know who laying down with him there; maybe he thought it was Kihyun. He never used honorifics with his oldest friend, though. “You’re… You…” Hyungwon tugged Hoseok’s sleeve again near his bicep and he finally understood he was almost crushing the boy.

“Oh, shit, Hyungwon, I’m sorry” He didn’t know what he was apologizing for. To be sincere, there was so many things he wanted to apologize for; Hoseok didn’t have a clue to where to start. At that point, he had soaked Hyungwon’s pink hoodie — originally it belonged to Hoseok; it looked ridiculously oversized on him, but the boy kept wearing it anyway so Hoseok gave to him.

“Hoseok” Peaking at the older through the mess of his dark bangs, Hyungwon was slowly turning around in bed to face him. “Why… How… Why are you in my bed? I was-”

“Hyungwonnie, I’m so sorry” Coming face to face with him, Hoseok felt even more horrible. His weeping seemed endless, leaving his face completely red. “Why you… You should’ve told me things were that bad-” A sob interrupted his train of thought. Hyungwon looked at him with confused eyes. “I, I, Kihyun called me, and I found you… I found passed out on your bathroom’s-”

“Hoseok” The boy muttered again, voice a bit stronger, glancing around his room. “Did you… you actually broke down my door? Lord.”

“You weren’t answering me when I called out for you because you were fucking passed out in your bathroom, Hyungwon, and got worse when I realized you were at the brink of hypothermia!” He felt the sound of his voice getting loud and tried to calm down. It didn’t work much. “You don’t know how I felt seeing you like that. Why the fuck didn’t you call anyone? You could have died, and I’d never know if it wasn’t for Kihyun.” Hoseok didn’t release the grip on Hyungwon’s waist, nor stopped crying. “Why the fuck you have to do things like that? You hate me that much that you didn’t even thought of asking for my help? I’m sorry, Hyungwon, I should’ve noticed-“

“Hoseok” Calling his name for the third time still didn’t seem to work to calm the older down. His hand found it’s way to Hoseok’s face and tried to wipe out the traces of tears. “You didn’t do… You have nothing to apologize for. I… I just… Didn’t want to disturb y-“

Hoseok’s voice’s tone still didn’t get lower. “You don’t disturb me! You never did! When are you going to fucking get that? You have to rely on someone in shitty moments like that, it doesn’t even need to be me. Just… you were here all alone, Hyungwon, so cold. It broke my heart.”

Neither Hyungwon or Hoseok knew for how long they stared at each other. It was filled with understanding and longing; guilt-free minutes in which Hyungwon didn’t know what to say. No person ever cared that much about him besides Kihyun; he remembered Kihyun, the little shit, that must’ve called Hoseok. He was surprised that he wasn’t angry about that.

Hyungwon close the space between their bodies to hug Hoseok, the man was trembling more than him.

“I’m sorry, Hoseok. Don’t cry, please. It’s okay, I don't hate you, it’s okay. I’m fine now. Look. I’m… I’m sorry for making you go through this.”

The older didn't seem to hear the last half of his speech.

“Are you okay now? Do you need anything? Have you eaten?”

“I’m fine, just sleepy. I’m fine.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah. It’s okay.”

Eventually, Hoseok stopped crying; Hyungwon had also cried a bit during that time. The taller boy was running his fingers through his friend’s golden hair when the older spoke again.

“Hyungwonnie” The other replied with a nod. “I’m sorry about hurting you that day. I didn’t mean push your arm that hard. I’d climb a huge ass building before I’d hurt you intentionally.”

“I know.”

Hoseok looked up to face him. That was fast.

“You know I mean that, right?”

“Of course. I’m an annoying person, eventually even Mother Teresa would’ve lost her patient with me. But I know you care about me and didn’t mean to do that. I just-” Hyungwon wasn’t sure how to express it in the non stupid way. “I didn’t want to make things weird by acknowledging what happened. I thought if I started to speak normally with you again, that would make it clear that I didn’t felt upset by what happened. I should have known better. And don’t climb a huge ass building, I’m not going to rescue your acrophobic ass, I don’t do PE. I’m sorry, Hoseok.”

“I’m sorry too. And never do that again, or else I’ll have a stroke.”

Hyungwon pushed himself up to fully lay his head in the pillow and chuckled. A nice sound to hear.

“Your old age is showing.”

Hyungwon’s hand returned to his side when Hoseok lifted his head and used this arm to rest it. “Shut up. I’m serious.”

“Do you think we could get a senior discount in the coffee shop if I shop up with you there and say that you already have strands of gray hair?”

Hoseok didn’t want to laugh. He failed.

“Stop being insufferable and go back to sleep. And I’m buying you a shit ton of healthy meals when we wake up, you’re thin as paper.”

“This is thin shamming.”

“This isn’t a thing, Hyungwon.”

“I know. I just want to have the last word.”

“Just agree with me saying ‘yes, hyung’”

“Yes, _ahjussi_.”

“That’s it, I’m going back to my room, stay here alone.”

“Nooooooooo.”

“Stop pouting.”

A very distressed Kihyun arrived his best friend’s dorm almost 45 minutes after finally getting in the train, because of course the traffic also decided to fuck him up. The things he did for that overgrown turtle, unbelievable.

“Hyungwon-ah? Hoseok hyung?”

The door of his friend’s room was still unlocked, and Kihyun saw the impact that Hoseok’s shoulders left on it. He tip toed across the room to find out them side by side, under two comforters. The only thing thought of doing was scoffing.

Careless crossing Hyungwon’s room and closing the door behind him, Kihyun dialed his roommate’s number.

“Yoongi, get your lazy ass up and running 'cause I’m coming back to our room with alcohol. I don’t fucking care if we have class tomorrow, I had a shitty day and I need to rant to someone, and if you’re not awake with shot glasses in hands by the time I cross this campus, I’ll tell Park Jimin you have wet dreams about him. No, I’ll not call Sewoon-ah instead, he’s an angel and doesn’t deserve to hear all the crap I’m about to spill. Bitch, don’t test me, I put Jimin’s number on speed dial.”

“Why the hell do you look like a widow that murdered her 90-year-old millionaire husband and just walked out from the court after being declared innocent from the murder charges?”

Hyungwon didn’t know what to do first: laugh at the sight of Kihyun wearing a black faux fur coat, accompanied with a velvet trouser and sunglasses in the same color, or pinch himself to see if that wasn’t a early morning hallucination because 7am it’s an ungodly hour, so everything is possible. He'd heard when the older arrived in his room the day before when he passed out in his bathroom, Hyungwon was just too lazy to acknowledge him.

“Shhh, just keep walking. I'd be better if people don't recognize me. You’ll see.”

Kihyun called him 20 minutes earlier that morning to ask the younger to wait for him in front of his and Hyunwoo's room. That wasn’t what he expected.

Their final destination was the fifth floor — which was odd since Hyungwon didn’t know anyone there. He wasn’t about to question Kihyun’s antics in 7 in the goddamn morning, though.

They stopped in the first room of the floor's entrance and the older knocked twice (the fucker had the nerve of singing the chorus of Twice’s Knock Knock at 7am), being greeted by a very grumpy-looking boy with silver hair that younger than him, but Hyungwon didn’t pay much attention to that and buried his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, following Kihyun, that soon cut the chase.

“You can come back in five minutes, go take a coffee or whatever you want.”

“But I-”

“Do you _know_ who I am?” Kihyun spoke in the most authoritarian voice he had made up in that moment and Hyungwon wanted to laugh, but he had a feeling that that’d rain on his friend’s parade. And he was there to do minimum.

The grumpy-looking boy just shrugged and left. The things Kihyun could get away with, honestly.

While Hyungwon was dozing off, leaning on the wall, the older apparently tapped a microphone that spread static through the entire tiny room. The taller hadn’t realize that they were in a small-sized control room, that pretty much served to occasionally make announcements and to keep the records of the building’s surveillance cameras.

“Hello, hello” Kihyun tapped the mic again, now ready to talk. He slightly modified his voice and Hyungwon knew that shit was about to come. “Good morning dormitory C, I hope yall awake because classes and shit. Anyways, I’m here to deliver a very important piece of information about one of our dorm mates, one that is crucial to the maintenance of good relationships within our community. Mr. Shin Hoseok, it’s you I’m talking about.”

Hyungwon stared at his shorter friend with a startled look and all the other did was winking at him, starting to take off his ridiculous coat and sunglasses.

“Mr. Shin I hope you’re listening to this, because it’s too damn early for me to repeat myself. Mr. Shin Hoseok, room 405, has watched Marley & Me exactly 36 times and cried in every single one of them and once, when he was drunk, said ramen was his boyfriend. You can comprehend that his situation ain’t that good so _please_ when you see him — it’s impossible not to see that huge amount of muscles and tears — give him some words of encouragement since he’s such a goddamn loser. Have a nice morning, fuckers.”

The brown-haired boy dropped the mic and made his way to the door, slapping Hyungwon in the neck in the process. Ouch.

Friendship at it’s best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd get into a knife fight with god for kihyun
> 
> also, if you're ever in a similar situation that hyungwon experienced here, PLEASE ask for help. it's okay to neef help you're going to be fine kiddo take care


	4. Last Night Story + Dimple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a bit late i was busy (i was napping tbh) but RAP LINE IS IN DA HOUSE finally i love my sons and i wanted to give them a hell of an entrance so i had to [coughs] THINK [coughs] a bit harder but here it is enjoy  
> or not cuz the bullshit is stronger in this one
> 
> THANK FOR THE COMMENTS AND KUDOS AGAIN YOU BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES COMING OUT OF YOUR COCOONS
> 
> (the title is from an IU song and a BTS song, in that order)

College parties are certainly the peak of the duality of human existence. It could be really fun, but also become a disaster in the same night. It was never Hyungwon’s scene; he’d usually go to these places when Kihyun dragged him along and he didn’t want to leave his friend hanging there, even though he should because the other is a dickhead. The older knew practically everybody in the university, yet insisted in fulfil his job as a pain in Hyungwon’s ass. There was worse things than refusing these invitations though, which was hearing the brown-haired boy’s dramatic ass making a fuss out of something small for _hours_. It was a dead end, so Hyungwon was left to pick the option that’d give him less headaches.

However, going to parties also meant having to deal with drunk people.

A drunk Kihyun thinks he’s the funniest person alive, therefore laughing at his own bad jokes; by the way, the boy becomes incredibly touchy. That’s how most of the stories of him sleeping with someone always started. Kihyun also had the tendency of drinking more than he could handle, throwing up then coming back to drink more. Hyungwon envied all the energy that his best friend had, shit you not.

A drunk Minhyuk is even more energetic than a sober Minhyuk, if that’s humanly achievable. It’s impossible to keep track of Minhyuk in a party because the man keeps bouncing through the entire place as if his life depended on it. Drunk Minhyuk also had the habit of dancing Sistar’s songs, and for a while, he cried after he did it. When the disbandment happened, the dark blue-haired man spent an entire day in his room crying and watching Sistar’s MVs in a loop. His choreographies got better after that, though.

A drunk Hyunwoo thought he was capable of lifting everything, and actually was the funniest person alive. Even with only two or three drinks, he always amused Hyungwon with silly dad jokes and impersonations of Pokémons. Dating Minhyuk made him an easier person to make small talks with; his hyung had also become the type of drunk that would smile at anything Minhyuk did or said, then proceeding to almost crush the boy in his arms saying how much he loves him. Good Lord _._

The worst of them all was drunk Hoseok. The blond man would laugh at absolutely everything said to him and had the terrible tendency of complying with the most stupid ideas people would come me up with. Their friends always said that Hoseok was someone that couldn’t be left in a party alone, because he’d probably end up in jail or dead. They wish they were joking.

As for Hyungwon, he had never been a big fan of alcohol. He was a light weight and nothing good came from that, so he’d usually be friend that drove everyone back home in safety. The thing is that the public of these parties were usually the same; people that only wanted to get hammered, people looking for someone to fuck, people that would there to, as a matter of fact, try to make friends, socialize. Besides that, there was always someone trying to hit on Hyungwon even though he’d say at least three times that he wasn’t interested, but guys actually thought he was just being _charming_.

He was crossing the main room of one of Hyerin’s infamous parties when he felt someone grabbing his arm, almost making him drop the cup of soda he was holding. _Here we go again_.

“You” Hyungwon smelled the alcohol in the man’s breath and didn’t disguise the distaste in his face. “I remember you! Tall cute boy from Literary Interpretation, aaaaaalways so sleepy.”

Christ. The man in front of him was a bit shorter in height, but muscular like Hoseok, and his green bomber jacket helped him look bigger than Hyungwon. He had dark hair like him, but the texture of it under the light made it clear that it’d been dyed a lot of times. Hyungwon had seen the man around a couple of times, but never payed attention because, as he always said to types like him, he wasn’t interested.

“Excuse me I-”

The man didn’t give any signs of listening to what Hyungwon said. “Do you want to go somewhere else?”

“Can you please get your hand off me?”

The man tilted his head as he was really confused. “Why?”

“Because I’m not interested.”

The dark-haired man laughed, releasing the grip in the other’s arm. “I didn’t even-”

“I know. Whatever you were going to say, I’m just not interested. I gotta find my friends.”

Hyungwon made a move to leave after finally making himself clear, but the man grabbed his arm again. He was losing his thin patience, for fuck’s sake.

“Let go.”

The man smirked. “I don’t want to.”

_“Hyungwonnie?”_

A voice behind him made Hyungwon turn half around, and he encountered a very upset Hoseok coming closer.

“I’m okay, Hoseok. I’ll be you with in a second.” Facing the other man again, he realized how tired he was. Goddamn college parties. “Let go of my arm, please.”

The man still smiled. Still didn’t let go.

“He said to take your hand off him, are you deaf?” The very unhappy Hoseok was also a very drunk Hoseok. Being upset wasn’t one of his drunk traits, though.

The man holding Hyungwon’s arm seemed puzzled, almost as if he was having fun. “Are you bothered that I’m touching him?”

“Yes.” Hoseok’s tone wasn’t the amusing one of always. Hyungwon was starting to feel that that apartment was smaller than it seemed to be.  

“HEY” Another voice appeared in the quarrel, a louder one. Minhyuk, with Hyunwoo behind him, walked towards them and Hyungwon also noticed that some people were staring at them. “I’m gonna give you five seconds to take your fucking hand off him before I break that arm of yours.”

Lee Minhyuk was a puppy, as Kihyun liked to call him, but the boy changed into a wolf when he felt like he needed to. He was a very protective man, you see; he fought hard to have people he loves in his life. Anyone that didn’t know Minhyuk would never conceive this idea, but the dark blue-haired man could turn into the scariest person alive and even Hyunwoo, with all his muscles and stern face, was no match to him.

“Please…” Hyungwon was feeling crowded. He could feel the anxiety rising inside him, instinctively looking back to catch Hoseok’s eyes. The older seemed to have read, even drunk, the discomfort in Hyungwon’s face and moved forward, putting his arm around the taller boy’s waist and pushing him back, releasing the dark-haired man’s hold in the younger’s arm.

Minhyuk’s eyes hovered at Hyungwon’s wrist and saw it was slightly bruised, so the boy was ready to lose his shit if Hyunwoo hadn’t been fast enough to hold his boyfriend back by grabbing his arm. “Babe, don’t.”

“Hyung, he was-”

“I know, but look at Hyungwon. You beating up this jerk is going to make him worse.” His boyfriend seemed to be pounding his input. “Babe.”

Minhyuk looked back at his friend, currently breathing heavily behind Hoseok. He himself was still quite drunk, but wasn’t about to give his younger friend an even harder time. Since Minhyuk heard about Hyungwon’s panic attack a couple of weeks ago, he felt like he was in debt with his friend; Minhyuk wanted for the boy to trust him enough to open up when he needed, someday. He turned his head back to the man that was bothering Hyungwon and, if you ask Hyunwoo, gave the frightening stare that he’d ever seen in a human being’s face.

“If I see you near him again, you’ll have to eat with the help of a straw for the rest of your life, asshole.”

Minhyuk didn’t wait for the man’s answer and pushed Hyunwoo with him towards Hyungwon and Hoseok, signalizing with his head for them to head towards the less crowded area.

Hyungwon’s arms clutching the back of Hoseok’s shirt shook like crazy, so the blond man turned around and fully embraced the boy. The younger no longer minded he could scent the alcohol intoxicating everything around him; the start of his dissociation clouded the surroundings trying to be acknowledged by Hyungwon.

He could feel Hoseok’s arms moving him to sit in a small bench near metal fence of the balcony, and looking up all he could see was a blur in slow motion; Hyungwon wasn’t even certain he was in the same reality as them, if all of that was happening or if it was just another mind trick. It was when he felt hands sliding down his cheeks to settle under his chin that he momentarily gained a few of his senses back. Voices that he knew that belonged to his friends increased their pace, and the raven-haired boy managed to bring one of his hands to rest on top of one of those in his face. Cold, he felt. At least he felt.

 

 

Hoseok was one of those people that wouldn’t admit they were drunk if they could help it, but that night he discovered something that could sober him up in a matter of seconds. When he saw Hyungwon being held back by some stranger, his first instinct was to drag his friend out of there, but he didn’t want to startle the boy to the point he’d have an episode. God knows the amount of strength that took for him not to crush the man’s face; Hyungwon still tried to be a pacifier, but there was something tickling the inside of Hoseok’s skin, begging for him to get that guy away from the taller boy.

There wasn’t really a lot of times he could recall feeling that upset at the point of considering physical fight. Hyungwon hated conflicts, hated being the center of confrontations, so he was trying to be polite. However, just one look at the jerk and Hoseok knew that approach wouldn’t work. He knew he had enough when Hyungwon glanced at him with a fearful expression, moving in the boy’s direction and pushing him back by his waist. The taller was trembling was if he was under an earthquake, and Hoseok really wanted to punch that guy in the face.

He brought a hand Hyungwon’s back to soothe him. “Breathe, Wonnie, breathe. It’s okay, I’m here, it’s me, breathe.”

With no delay, Hoseok followed Minhyuk’s command to bring their friend to the balcony so he could get away from the sea of grad students. He seated the boy in an old wood bench near the edge of the balcony; the wind was quite nasty, but at least there was more than enough oxygen for his friend to inhale.

Crouching down, Hoseok looked at Hyungwon’s face again and, while his body was still there with them, his mind seemed to be very far away. Grabbing the boy’s face, he tried to call him again.

“Hyungwon, please, answer me.” His fingers were buried down Hyungwon’s chin — so cold, matching the almost winter night. “Please, Doll, it’s okay, I got you, I…”

The rest of his friends remained silent. Other than Kihyun and himself, no one else knew how to deal with Hyungwon in situations like this. Hyunwoo and Minhyuk seemed a bit startled, but mostly preoccupied. Lifting his head up to Hyunwoo, he said the only thing that came up to his mind.

“Get Kihyun.”

The brown-haired boy arrived five minutes later, almost breaking the balcony’s glass door with such desperation. Staring down at Hyungwon, he mouthed a very drunk and earnest _“shit”._ He took Hoseok’s position, next to his friend.

“Hyungwon” Kihyun grabbed his best friend’s hands and entwined their fingers together. “Darling, you’re here, you’re okay. You can feel me touching you, look” He proceeded to bring Hyungwon’s legs up to the boy’s chest. The younger’s gaze still didn’t meet his friend’s. “You trust me. Darling, look at me.”

Forcefully, Kihyun pushed his face up and eyes filled with void looked back at him. Kihyun seemed to be close to cry.

“Hyungwon, come back. Please, come back. It’s me, Turtle. Remember, it has always been me. I’m your best friend. I’m-I’m always here. Hyungwon…”

After almost ten minutes of radio silence in the room, Kihyun was on the verging of dropping tears for real when he felt an extra weight crash in his chest; Hyungwon’s huge hands around his back made him feel like a plushie in a claw crane. His friend’s heavy breath, for the first time, made him feel at easy again.

“ _I know_ , I know.” Hyungwon’s voice muffled by Kihyun’s chest sounded tired, and Kihyun believed that he was. These kinds of things always exhausted him.

“Hyungwonnie?” The raven-haired boy heard his friend’s voice, now clear as day, and looked up at his very troubled semblance. He stretched a hand in his direction.

“I’m good now, please stop with that face.” Hyungwon adjusted himself in Kihyun’s shoulder so he could be heard. He moved his head towards Minhyuk and Hyunwoo beside Hoseok and gave them an apologetic smile. “Thank you, sorry for being a nuisan-”

“Hyungwon” Minhyuk spoke up, bringing his boyfriend’s arm around his waist. “I love you, but please cut this crap. You have nothing to be sorry about. That guy, however…”

Hyunwoo was ready to hold his boyfriend back again, “Min, _no_.”

“I know, I know. Just saying…”

Hyungwon sneezed loud, and so did everybody else in the room.

“Ki, I know you’re plotting murder right now, but leave that guy there to rot. He isn’t worth it. Also, let’s go to that bar we like, I’m craving that fries.”

 

For a Friday night, it was sure a smooth vibe inside the place. To be honest, Kihyun once wondered if Hyungwon and him were the only clients that they ever had, but he wasn’t going to meddle in people’s business; he was too damn hungry for that. Minhyuk was already drinking a huge pint of beer while they waited for the food; Hyunwoo faced the menu as if he were reading a very serious textbook, which was probably just a hundred bad jokes running through his mind at 100km/h. Hoseok kept his hands going through Hyungwon’s hair; the latter rested his head in the blond man’s shoulder. After what happened in Hyungwon’s room, Hoseok became even more protective of the slim boy and Kihyun was sure he’d get into a fist fight with God if that meant keeping Hyungwon safe. The older was cheesy as fuck.

It wasn’t a fancy or large establishment; one way in and one way out, probably not ideal for safety and shit. Two small windows took place in the front of the bar, one in each side of double door. To be honest, Kihyun had been in worse places since he entered college and at least this one served good food at affordable prices; they also had a chandelier that served as a nice filter for selfies.

“You sure you don’t want anything else?” Hoseok peaked down at his friend, still uneasy.

“I’m good. Please, chill.”

“It’s kinda hard, you brat.”

“That’s because you’re still drunk.”

The older seemed offended by the statement. “I’m not! I practically carried you out of there, how could I- could I have done that if I were drunk? Also, stop being nice to strangers. Just go to me and I’ll take care of things.”

“Okay, mom.”

A loud thud coming from the floor above them scared Hyungwon enough to make him sit back straight in his chair, making it almost fall off if it wasn’t for Hoseok’s hand holding it on it’s place. They all looked at each other without a proper question, except for Kihyun that kept his attention on his phone. He felt Hyungwon’s stare burning holes in his hand, though.

“I’m sure isn’t anything serious” Kihyun uttered, without taking his eyes off his device. “It’s fine, Turtle.”

Another loud banging from upstairs startled all of them this time. Kihyun seemed more upset than scared, though.

“What the f-”

The next sound they heard was of glass furiously cracking, which seemed to be from a window. Minhyuk was the first to get up, followed by the others. Reaching the front of the bar, they heard another thud and it was indeed a pane being broken.

Minhyuk was astonished. “What on Earth-”

Someone was climbing down the window while wearing a butcher coat and leather pants — odd combination, but not the point — completely oblivious of the five strangers staring up at him. The boy had soft brown hair and was around Kihyun’s height. The latter, by the way, was now completely mesmerized by the scene unfolding in front of him; his phone was now forgotten in his hand.

Hyungwon was starting to feel restless again, with all that was being displayed in front of him. His body fuzzily started walking backwards, but bumped into Minhyuk’s chest, almost falling in the process. His friend was faster and held onto his arm, steading Hyungwon on his feet. He looked down at Minhyuk with a slightly frightened face, and the older smiled so brightly that a portion of Hyungwon’s fears dissipated in his chest.

Once the soft-brown haired boy reached the ground by using a conical vertical pipeline that covered the edge the wall until it’s bottom, he remained unaware of Hyungwon and his friends’ presence, checking his body to see if he was entirely unarmed. He was sweating like a pig, but he didn’t seem to notice that either.

“Oh God” The boy spoke in English, and for a second they thought he was indeed a foreigner; his pronunciation was incredibly good, but he switched to Korean. “I can’t believe I’m actually-”

A short silence took place after the boy turned around and saw them, intrigued eyes on him. His panting shortened, and he looked both ways before smiling. “I’d say I did this for the Vine, but I’m not that entertaining.”

Minhyuk, frowning, was the first to speak again. “What on Earth-”

A blaring yell interrupted the situation, and Hyungwon bumped into Hyunwoo this time; someone was running from inside the bar and somehow Hyungwon felt like the figure was a bit familiar, but couldn’t pinpoint it. When the yelling boy reached where all of them were, his head quickly scanned the place and locked eyes in the soft-brown haired boy.

“I can’t believe” The silver-haired boy almost knocked the boy in butcher coat when he ran in his direction, bowing down a little to regain his breath. “I can’t” Obviously the panting boy wasn’t one of the athletic field. “You’re seriously insane, Changkyun. What the fuck.”

Hoseok barely managed to hold his cackling with his hand on his mouth, bringing the attention of the boys to them. They hadn’t time for much questioning as they heard muffled screams coming from inside the bar and the strangers seemed to be ready to take off again. Kinda too late since there was three angry men standing by the door, eyeing the two boys in the corner, then turning back to stare at the other five. Not a good sign.

Minhyuk stepped forward and grabbed the silver-haired boy’s wrist. He swiftly turned his head back to his friends. “Run!”

It was a completely crazy scenario, so of course it was Minhyuk’s jam. They didn’t have any other option at that point, consequently Hyunwoo was the first to follow Minhyuk and the two strangers on the run, getting Kihyun along with them in a few seconds. Hyungwon felt his feet getting frozen again, just like in all those times his mind was a dipshit and decided it was nice timing for a vacation. A hand wrapping around his wrist was a big _fuck you_ to his brain, though. Hoseok dragged him along to keep up with their friends, and his legs seemed to actually function. It’d be good to remember to ask latter if Hoseok was involved in any type of witchcraft.

Why were they running from 3 strong pissed off men because of two boys they didn’t even know? Minhyuk still had to answer that, but not at that time; he seemed determined to get those boys away from the guys that were cursing at them. Hoseok’s hand slipped down to Hyungwon’s wrist and properly held his hand, which improved a lot their running and stuff. The raven-haired boy knew this physical exercise was going to come back to bite him in the ass later.

The streets were getting too far away from the bar — too dark and deserted — and Hyungwon hadn’t get a sight of the men chasing them in the past two minutes. He let go of Hoseok’s hand and ran a bit faster to catch Minhyuk by his shirt, signalizing for him to stop. The seven of them were almost totally out of breath.

“What the fuck, Minhyuk” Kihyun was almost whispering; he collapsed in the sidewalk seconds later.

“I can’t believe you left me behind.” Hyungwon almost shouted at his best friend, poking him in the shoulder.

“I didn’t, idiot.” The brown-haired boy still spoke slowly. “Hoseok was there and I would’ve slapped you into reacting fast.” Another deep breath. “He’s gentler than me, you’re welcome.”

Hyungwon seemed pretty convinced. He craned his head towards the dark blue-haired boy. “What the fuck, Minhyuk.”

Hyunwoo and him were also sitting in the sidewalk; Minhyuk with his head in his boyfriend’s shoulder, apparently trying to steady his respiration.

“What? Someone had to do something.”

“About _what?_ ” Kihyun was seriously unfazed.

“They were going to do bad things with them.” Minhyuk gestured towards the two odd boys, currently laying down in the middle of the asphalt, trying not to pass out.

“We don’t even know them, Lee Minhyuk.” Hyungwon was pretty fed up.

“Hey” The boy in butcher coat lifted his head from the ground with a expression of distaste. “We’re cool, bro. We didn’t do anything wrong.”

Kihyun chuckled. “Quite hard to believe since we saw you running away through a broken window wearing a butcher coat and leather pants.”

“This isn’t even the most disturbing outfit I have.”

The boy with silver haired meddled in. “It’s a long story.”

“Well” Hyungwon was already feeling the tiredness. “We don’t have anything else to do right now.”

Minhyuk lifted his head from Hyunwoo’s shoulder and looked up at Hoseok. “He’s cute, isn’t he?”

“What the fuck, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon gave up and sat on the pavement, cross-legged.

“But he is! Look” The older pointed at the silver-haired boy. “He looks like piglet! The cutest human being I’ve ever seen besides Hyunwoo!”

The boy protested. “I do not.”

“Yes, you do.” Hoseok spoke, sat beside Kihyun in the sidewalk.

Hyungwon was tired as fuck.

“Hoseok, don’t give ammo to Minhyuk’s bullshit.” The blond had the nerve to smile widely when Hyungwon gave him a cold stare.

And another one decided to betray him. “But he does.” Hyunwoo’s low voice was very serious.

With his hands on his temples, the taller sighed, defeated. “I hate all of you, I swear to God.”

The light brown-haired boy looked up at him with an almost puppy face. “But you don’t even know us.”

“I already hate you.”

“He doesn’t.” Of course Hoseok had to be the one to expose him. “He’s just exhausted, he gets mean when he’s like that.”

Hyungwon scoffed. “I don’t get mean. I am mean.”

The blond man found it very amusing. “Sure, Hyungwonnie.”

The silver-haired boy cut through their bullshit discussion. “Lee Jooheon. That’s my name. This idiot-” He motioned with his head towards his friend beside him. “He’s Im Changkyun, a spawn of satan.”

“Wow, I didn’t know you had competition, Ki.”

Kihyun just rolled his eyes at his best friend. “As if.”

“Care to explain the situation we got involved today?”

Jooheon and Changkyun both seemed apprehensive of Hyungwon’s question.

“He’s _so_ cute.” Minhyuk marveled again at Jooheon, with his hand on his face.

“Shut the fuck up, Minhyuk. Spill it, midgets.”

“Look-” The white-haired boy let out an unnecessary cough before starting again. “We’re music production students, and also kind of underground rappers.”

“What’s your rapper name?” Kihyun seemed interested.

“Uhh… Jooheon.”

“That’s boring.”

Jooheon’s friend lifted his head from the ground again. “I _told_ him that. Mine’s is I.M, by the way.”

“That’s lazy.”

At Kihyun’s statement, Changkyun moved his body to sit up. “You’re a very difficult man to please, has anybody ever told you that?”

The brown-haired boy snickered. “To be honest, I’m usually the one that pleasures people.”

He barely felt when Hyungwon’s slap landed on his neck.

“Anyway” Jooheon fake coughed again. “We have a performance coming soon and Kyun and me compose and write our own stuff, so we don’t really need help from outsiders. But there’s always one or two out there that come to us to see if they could get a collab with us and shit, we decline though. This guy came to us last week saying he has really good rhymes that would fit our style and asked for a partnership, which we said no because we’ve been together since like… high school and we’ve been doing fine until now. The guy didn’t take it well, though. He kept saying shit, that ‘we’d regret throwing away this opportunity’, but Changkyun actually spelled LMAO to the guy, so he took off hot and bothered. A few days ago, Changkyun and I went back to our dorm room to work on some things because, you know, the stage is hella soon…”

“THE ASSHOLE STOLE OUR STUFF! THE ROOM WAS A MESS WHEN WE GOT THERE!” Changkyun yelled loud enough for the entire block to hear. Hyungwon wanted to strangle him a bit more. “The audacity of that prick, guys. Look, his dad owns that bar we were in, and he currently lives there, what a loser. So, of course I was gonna do something about that, but also had a Halloween party on my schedule later-”

“It’s October 1st, Changkyun.” Hoseok’s voice sounded perplexed.

“A man shouldn’t limit their spookiness, bro. But back to the story, I knew the dickhead was keeping our stuff in his house because he isn’t that bright to think of another place to hide it, so I called Jooheon and said ‘Bro, meet me in that bar in five and get ready, ‘cause I’m making a scene.’”

“I had to bail him out of jail last time he said the exact same thing.” Jooheon didn’t seem to be joking.

“So here I was” Spreading his legs on the ground to have more space to be dramatic, Changkyun started gesturing to describe the event. “Tip toing around the dipshit’s room that looked more like a dumpster; it hadn’t much places to hide something into, so it was kinda easy to find my stolen stuff in a box underneath his bedside table. Trouble was that — I had some info gained through some chocolate bribing that he’d be out the entire night, but the guy showed up in the room as soon as I was ready to leave. Jooheon is a great small-talker, you see, so I left my main man downstairs to distract the guy’s dad while I sneaked inside. And shit-” The light-brown haired boy chuckled nervously before continuing. “The guy is hella build up you know, like him” Changkyun pointed at Hyunwoo; the latter was so concentrated in the boy’s story that barely noticed a mention of him. “A man gotta do that ‘fight or flight’ thing, you know, so my ass definitely was going to flight, and it was almost literally if I hadn’t managed to break that window and grab that pipe. As you guys can imagine, the jerk wasn’t happy at all and kept shouting that he was going to get me and etc, joke’s on him.”

“This stupid rotten potato totally forgot to give me a sign to get the fuck outta there” Jooheon spoke again, mildly pestered. “So when I saw the guy who stole our stuff coming downstairs, I knew I was about to have my ass whooped so I just, screamed.”

“We heard.” Hyunwoo stated. “Your voice was four octaves higher that your normal one.”

“And the rest you guys know because… you were there.”

“Did you get your stuff back?” Hyungwon questioned.

Reaching for the inside of his butcher coat, Changkyun almost fell on his back pulling the notebooks out of somewhere in that.

“Yup!”

“Hyung” Minhyuk turned around to face Hoseok, on the other end of the sidewalk. “Can we keep them?”

Kihyun threw his head back while laughing out loud. Hoseok couldn’t keep a straight face too.

“Minhyukkie, I told you that’s not-”

The taller boy lost count of how many sighs he’d been doing that night. “You know you can’t say no to Lee Minhyuk, for fuck’s sake. Just agree so we can get the fuck outta here. I parked the car two blocks away from here, I think.”

“We’re walking again?” To Changkyun, it seemed like Hyungwon just said he’d be hanged in the next stop.

“How old are you two, by the way?” Minhyuk asked.

“I’m 21, and my man Jooheon is 22.”

“Stop calling me ‘your man’, Changkyun.”

Changkyun faked an upset expression. “That’s homophobic, bro.”

“We’re both gay, idiot.”

“You got me there.”

Minhyuk continued his enthusiastic endeavor. “You’re no longer the maknae, Wonnie!”

Hyungwon couldn’t think of a reason for Minhyuk’s exciment.

“He was the MAKNAE?” Changkyun yelled again, almost bursting everyone’s tympanum. “He didn’t use honorifics with any of you, I thought he was the oldest.”

“The only one to who he shows some respect is Hyunwoo.” Hoseok explained. “He’s just a brat at heart.”

“Keep saying that and you’ll go back to the dorm walking.”

“I said nothing, Hyungwonnie.”

A short silence was broken by Changkyun’s voice again. It seemed that it was impossible for him to stay quiet.

“Yo, guys… that Halloween party is still going on I think, you guys are game?”

“I’m sleepy” Hyungwon declared. “And hungry, most of all.”

Changkyun counterattacked. “There’s food there.”

The taller boy stopped walking. “Free food?”

“Yep.”

“Tell me the address when we get to the car.”

 

Hyungwon was still correct when it comes to college parties, though. Especially early Halloween college parties. At least when they arrived at the place, pretty much everyone was already drunk as hell and giving zero fucks about what happened around them. To be honest, the number of things you could get away with in college is endless, because people just don’t care. Very relatable.

At the corner of living room, Kihyun was doing shots with Changkyun and Minhyuk like their lives depended on it; he might have seen some flaming drinks in the middle of that, by the way. Hyungwon, like the others, just didn’t care. The only important thing in that moment was stuffing his face with candy and chips, casually stopping to sip on his soda. Jooheon and Hyunwoo sat in the sofa beside him; the first was too caught up in writing something in his music notebook and the older was quietly laughing at some game he played in his phone, bless him. Hoseok was just… M.I.A. Probably somewhere crying watching some Disney movie on his phone.

Hyungwon found him 40 minutes later in the kitchen, cackling at some girl’s story about one of her childhood stories, nothing to pay much attention to. It was almost 2 in the morning and even though it was a Saturday, Hyungwon was really tired. If it wasn’t for the fact that the raven-haired boy was their ride back home, he would’ve left already. But being a good friend and shit, a huge pain in the ass.

A quick tap on his blond friend’s shoulder got his attention. “Quit it, Hoseok. Let’s go.”

“But I want to staaaaaaay, Hyungwooooonie.” And the worst drunk made his appearance.

“I’m leaving now. If you get arrested or die, don’t call me. I have to find the others.”

“Noooooooo” Hoseok made an attempt to get up, but failed. He got it right the second time, slightly singing. “I’ll go to you like the first snow.”

This managed to get a laugh out of Hyungwon. “I told you to stop watching Goblin. Your ugly crying ass can’t handle it.”

The first ones they found were Changkyun and Kihyun, laying down in the grass next to the building they were in. Hyungwon leaned a bit in the balcony to make sure he was going to be heard.

“Get the fuck up, losers. We’re leaving in 5.”

The taller boy didn’t know why he was surprised that Changkyun was even more loud when drunk. Good fucking Lord.

“HYUNGWON HYUNG! HYUNG HYUNG!”

“Fuck off, Changkyun. Five minutes or your sorry asses are going to be left behind.”

Minhyuk was easy to find. When Hyungwon came back to the living room with Hoseok behind him, head resting on Hyungwon’s shoulder and eyes barely open, the dark-blue haired boy was eating his boyfriend’s face in the couch he was previously sitting in.

He should’ve been paid to deal with these infants.

Bless Jooheon for remaining unconcerned with everything happening around him. He was going to be Hyungwon’s new favorite, for certain.

“YAH” Hyungwon shouted while continuously slapping Minhyuk’s back. “Let’s go you horny twinks. Jooheon, come on, I’ll drop you home.”

The silver-haired boy looked up quite stunned, but responded immediately by gathering his stuff and getting up. Drunk Minhyuk lazily emerged from his boyfriend’s lap, earning some more slaps from Hyungwon and chuckles from Hoseok. Hyunwoo just smiled and followed his boyfriend outside. what a dork.

Getting out of the elevator, the five of them headed outside to find drunk Kihyun and drunk Changkyun having a stupid battle to see who could climb the pole of a street sign. Hyungwon swore to every God out there that he’d never go out with Yoo Kihyun ever again.

“YAH, KIHYUN AND MIDGET, QUIT!” His blustering even startled Hoseok, behind him. “To the car, fucking disgraces.”

After getting all the six idiots inside his car, a crimson sedan, Hyungwon finally took some seconds to calm himself down. Obviously, his stupid friends wouldn’t let him have a full minute of peace.

“Why do I have to seat in Hoseok’s lap?” Kihyun clamorously protested.

“Do you want him to sit on your lap, Hamster? Be my guest to be crushed.”

“I’m your best friend, why is Jooheon sitting in the front seat? I called shotgun forever when I was 18, remember?” Kihyun was fully pouting by now. Like Hyungwon gave a fuck.

“Because I like Jooheon the most right now. Minhyuk was right, he’s cute.”

“DID I HEAR SOMEONE SAY I WAS RIGHT?” Another blasting voice hit the raven-haired boy’s ears.

Hyunwoo, being the saint he is, pushed Minhyuk back to sit in his lap. “Min, babe, shhhhh.”

The brown-haired boy stil wasn’t convicted. “But Hyungwonnie…”

“Sit on the midget’s lap, I don’t give a fuck. Just sit still so I can drive us home and finally sleep.”

“I’m like… One centimeter smaller than Kihyun hyung, though.”

Hyungwon scoffed. “As I said, _midget_. By the way, where is your dorm, Jooheon?”

“Oh” Beside the raven-haired boy, he seemed a bit scared of all that screaming. “It’s three blocks up.”

“You go to the same university as us?” Hyungwon hadn’t considered the possibility.

“Yeah, yeah. Dormitory F.”

“IT’S MY BUILDING TOO!”

“Shut up, Kihyun. Great, at least I don’t have to go out of my way to drop you two.”

“We’re keeping them, right, Hoseok hyung?” Minhyuk’s voice sounded like a child.

Looking through the rearview mirror, Hyungwon saw Hyunwoo hiding his chuckle behind his boyfriend’s back, while Hoseok’s head emerged and almost collided with Changkyun’s, smiling at the dark-blue haired boy.

“Yeah, Minhyukkie, we gonna.”

 

The universe legitimately didn’t give a single shit about giving Hoseok a break when his mental health needed to. It wasn’t just his final year project terrorizing his life night and day; he had to present his ticket out of the university to the academic board in January, right after the holidays, because why not have a little taste of how frozen hell feels like. Now, his mother decided to meddle in his love life, as if he needed someone to because it’s practically inexistent.

“Mom, mom, _MOM_ ” The woman was already talking on the phone for four minutes straight about a blind date, while Hoseok was trying to brush his teeth to start his day. She was too caught up in her own world; it happened often. “Mom, I don’t need a blind date.”

_“Hoseok, darling, you know I do this because I love you. You’re young, you need to be out there gaining some experience just like I did when I had your age.”_

“Mother, _please._ ”

_“I’m serious, Shin Hoseok. He’s such a nice boy, you’ll like him. My friend from work is the nicest woman I’ve met, she’d be glad to have you as her son-in-law.”_

Why couldn’t he win a single discussion with his mom? He started whining to see if it’d work. “Mom… I don’t need dates right now, I’m fine. Can you just go with it?”

_“Are you seeing someone there in college?”_

“No. Why?”

Her voice became mischievous. _“It seems like you are. It’s that boy you talked about so much when you came over last time, the taller one?”_

Hoseok couldn’t hold the chuckle. “No, mom. We’re just friends.”

_“But you wished to… be more?”_

“Mom!”

_“You do! Now I know why you’re always so adamant when it comes to dates. You really like him, right? My boy! I can’t believe you’re finally giving me a new son. This family needs more people, Hoseok. I feel like I’m losing the life’s bet to have a bigger family than my friends’. Bring him over to Christmas, will you?”_

“Mom, have you heard what I said? I’m not dating anyone! I don’t have the time for that, my papers ain’t gonna get done alone!”

_“Bring your not-boyfriend over to meet the family or I’ll set three different blind dates for you just for this month. You know I’m not kidding.”_

“Moooooooooooom.”

_“You’re gonna thank me so much one day, I can already feel the joy of hearing I was right. Bye baby, mommy loves you. I already told your sisters, so bring tall boy’s ass here!”_

How the hell the conversation took a turn like that? One of his mother’s many gifts, you see. The woman gets what she wants even if she must make said thing up. Hoseok never even mentioned having a boyfriend, neither wanting a blind date. However, his love life seemed to be a hot topic in his family’s gatherings; right now he just wanted to stuck his head inside the toilet. It was too damn early for this shit.

It was also too damn early for Gunhee to be slamming their room’s door with all the force inside his body. Hoseok almost slipped in the bathroom’s floor with the loud bang. The blond stuck his head outside to peak at his roommate, furiously kicking his own bed. He had never seen the boy that angry.

“Gun…? What happened?”

The other seemed to finally acknowledge his roommate’s presence and turned around abruptly, almost scaring Hoseok again.

“Everything sucks! I want to die! Also I need to kill someone. What are you doing this afternoon?”

“Wait, what?” Stepping out of the bathroom, toothbrush still in hand, Hoseok frowned. “I agree with the part of wanting to die ‘cause it’s a millennial thing, but who do you want to kill?”

“I don’t want, I _need_ to kill him.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s the cutest and hottest human being I’ve ever seen in my life and I don’t know how to properly flirt. He gotta go, that’s the only way I’ll find peace again.”

“Okay…” Hoseok pondered about this bullshit, sitting on his bed. Too damn early. “Have you talked with him?”

“ _Are you insane_? Actually… yes. He’s _nice_ , hyung. I’m not nice. This isn’t going to end well, I might as well recur to murder.”

“You’re nice, Gun. Just a bit… short-tempered. But I guess love can change us all.”

“You’re gonna be the first I’ll murder, hyung.”

Hoseok sneezed. The boy was overreacting so much it seemed he was dealing with Kihyun right now.

“Who is he? Maybe I can help you.”

“I don’t think you know him. He’s a music production major, like me. Cutest dimples that ever walked the Earth, so fucking talented, HE RAPS, hyung. I went to one of his performances a couple of days ago and my life now is destroyed.”

“But you said you spoke with him…”

“Yeah” The younger kicked his bed again, frustrated. “Like a fucking idiot. I was watching him practice in one of our classes together and I was like ‘So you’re really cool…’ and I didn’t even wait for his answer because I took off like a cat shot in the ass.”

“If that comforts you” Hoseok laid down, using his elbow to the hand on his face. “You’re not the first of my friends to run away from their crush. And it ended well.”

“It doesn’t comfort me, I need to kill him. Or myself. Hyung…”

Hoseok laughed again. “Sorry, Gun, but I think I know who you’re talking about. All gay people in this university has the same social circle, seriously.”

“What?” The other was confused.

“Jooheon, right? The cutest dimples that ever walked the Earth.”

Gun was truly shocked.

“How the hell?”

“We met him and his best friend a couple of weeks ago, they’re really fun. He’s Hyungwon’s favorite dongsaeng, by the way.”

“Shit, seriously? Never thought Hyungwon hyung could like someone to that point. Aren’t you jealous?”

“Why would I?”

“Because you and him… you know, date.”

Why did everybody decide to come for Hoseok’s inexistent boyfriend at the same time? “ _WHAT?_ I’m not dating Hyungwon. Where the hell that came from?”

It was Gun’s turn to laugh. “Dude, really? It has been like, 5 or 6 months?”

“We’re just friends, Gun. Why you and my mother suddenly got this idea? She decided that Hyungwon and I are dating and want me to bring him over for Christmas.”

“So what?” At least now Gun sounded calmer. Talking about Hoseok’s train wreck of life seemed to work as a distraction. “He sleeps here at least two times every week. For the last 6 months. Once I got up in the middle of the night to pee and on my way to the bathroom, I looked towards you guys in bed and you were cuddling, with your head buried in his neck. It was the gayest shit I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“Once I got here and you were making out with two guys at the same time, Gun.”

“That cuddling was definitely gayer than that.”

Hoseok was momentarily speechless. He didn’t have any good counterargument to top that statement, but that was because he never saw it through that point of view. It was just something in their friendship that came naturally, and it _felt_ natural. It didn’t have any meaning and it didn’t need to. Hoseok felt like someone change the lenses he used to see the world, but in his head, it was still clear that people kept overreacting about these little things.

Sure, Hyungwon was the person he was the closest to, it just happened to be that way. They clicked with each other. Every time they were together, the world seemed to be simpler; Hoseok didn’t have to force anything when it was about words or gestures. Their friendship evolved to the point that one look was enough for one to send the other a message; sometimes of S.O.S, other times a way of mocking one of their friends. The way their friendship circle grew up around the two of them also made things easier; it felt like a little dysfunctional family, a place that Hoseok felt like he belonged to. Those were the atmospheres he liked the most, and if his friendship with Hyungwon was the thing that proportionated that, he was more than thankful for the bond he created with the raven-haired boy.

He never thought of Hyungwon in _that_ way, at least he doesn’t remember doing this. Sure, when they met for the second time after the maintenance room, the younger seemed even more handsome than in the pictures of him Hoseok found online. Hyungwon was, without any doubt, one of the most attractive person Hoseok had ever met, but that wasn’t their _thing_. Their relationship worked because it was simple and uncomplicated; the trust Hoseok earned during all these months that passed by was more important than anything. Sure, among his friends, Hyungwon was the one to sleep over at his room the most, but Hoseok never saw that as anything else.

Apparently, a lot of people did. 

This made his stomach turn a little bit, and Hoseok didn’t know if it was in a good or bad way. It was just… weird. Flashes of moments that people gave them a look when they passed around Hyungwon and him suddenly came up in Hoseok’s mind; he never payed too much attention to that because it simply didn’t matter, and his memory wasn’t one of the best. The was a time where he overheard someone saying “They’re too handsome to be together, isn’t fair.” At the time, it made him laugh because he thought they were talking about all of his friends gathered at that moment, but he clearly remembers now that the girls eyed only Hyungwon and him. How many people in that college thought Hyungwon and him were dating? Probably way too much, he assumed, now.

“Are you just realizing now that you have a boyfriend, Hoseok?” Gun’s questioning brought him back from the musings of his mind.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“He is, hyung. Oh my God, I can’t believe you two don’t know you’re dating. That’s more ridiculous than my situation right now, thanks Hoseok hyung.”

“Hey, rascal, come back here” Gun made his way back to his side of the room, way more cheerful than he should be, reaching for his phone in the bedside table. “I’ll help you with Jooheon, but with one condition.”

The younger slowly turned around, almost as if he was cautious of what he was going to face.

“Are you serious about him? I mean… do you like him or it’s just another person you want to bang? Because Jooheonnie isn’t one of these people.”

Silence.

“Gun?”

“I think I really like him, hyung. I never felt like this before. I’m nervous. I don’t even remember the last time I was nervous like this, maybe in elementary school. So yeah, serious.”

Hoseok nodded, contemplating his friend’s answer.

 

Gun and Jooheon were the cutest dorks Hoseok ever laid his eyes upon. Two weeks after his conversation with his roommate, he finally managed to drag the boy to one of Jooheon and Changkyun’s performance in an underground pub; all his friends were going to show support to the boys. Hyungwon lifted one of his eyebrows when he saw Gun behind Hoseok in the crowd, probably cackling in the inside since it was already common knowledge to him and the others of Gunhee’s crush on Jooheon.

If Hoseok had filmed Gun in the exact moment Jooheon started rapping, he was sure he’s be able to see the boy’s soul leaving his body, because that was pretty much what it looked like, judging by his face. He had to control himself not to laugh and scare Gun off, though.

When their stage ended, they met the younger boys in a table near the place’s small bar, Changkyun jumping up and down the entire time due the adrenaline, and because he was weird as fuck. Another moment that Hoseok saw Gun’s soul leaving his body was when Jooheon started walking towards his roommate and him; they were still a bit far from the others. He grabbed the boy’s arm and whispered a message. “Stay cool, dude.”

Jooheon was a delight, was always. His persona on stage was completely different from his normal one. The boy turned into a beast and if you asked Gun, that was a huge ass turn on. The silver-haired boy looked like he could kill someone just with his rhymes while performing, but was a precious honey bee when was around his friends and anyone else he felt comfortable with. Hoseok introduced Gun as soon as possible.

“Oh, I’ve seen you, you’re the guy from the class-”

Hoseok’s roommate was on the verge of having a mental collapse, so his mouth wasn’t functioning that well.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re… very cool, man. I mean, rapping. And not rapping too. Not that I know you very well, but you seem like you are cool. Sorry for the… babbling.”

Gun was so whipped that Hoseok that to glance over the younger’s shoulder to meet Hyungwon’s gaze and share a hilarious look. The taller boy sneezed out loud, but the boys didn’t seem to notice it.

“I’ve seen you rapping too one time, you’re really neat. Changkyun and I are just idiots that make it work, somehow.”

“No-” Gun’s voice reach an octave higher than his usual one, and he looked down to recompose himself. He didn’t even know how his mouth was spitting words. “No, you’re really amazing. Your friend too. Your partnership is really good. I hope you do more of these performances, I’d love to come again.”

“I’d love if you came here again too.” Jooheon smiled, as the angel he is. “Not really easy to get cute people around here.”

Gun choked on nothing.

If you ask Gun to pinpoint the exact moment he knew he was gone for good, it was when Jooheon smiled at his shitty chattering and the goddamn dimples — that should be illegal in at least most of the world’s countries — appeared in his face. He couldn’t get hold of himself and just kept staring at the rapper, that kept smiling at him. Looking between the two of them a few times just to be sure, Hoseok quietly left their side and now they had to fend for themselves. More like Gun had to, but his job was done.

Walking towards his friends’ table, Hoseok thought again about his chat with Gun weeks ago. Hyungwon was currently laughing at something one of their friends said, covering his mouth with one of his hands. Hoseok thought it was really endearing, but also hated the fact the younger seemed to want to conceal himself from the world. It made his heart ache every time Hoseok thought about the younger’s hard times when growing up — the ones which Hoseok couldn’t do anything to make it better. Hyungwon didn’t need to be fixed because he was never broken, but seeing or just imagining him in pain brought an intense urge to protect the younger boy from the world.

While in this thought, Hoseok decided it wasn’t odd for friends to sleep in the same bed, or even cuddling. People who liked each other’s company could do that. He had done it before with Minhyuk and once with Kihyun; he’d even slept in the same bed as Hyunwoo one time — Gun had locked him out of their room to screw some guy and he headed to Hyungwon and Hyunwoo’s. Thing is that Minhyuk and Hyunwoo had a fight that day, and Minhyuk was fast asleep wrapped around Hyungwon when he got there. It wasn’t even a bit awkward. So his mom and Gun could suck it.

The blond man was determined to erase this thought of second intentions with Hyungwon that was implanted in his head, it was just too much bullshit. He could’ve mentioned this to the younger, but he was kind of afraid that this would actually make things weird. And they didn’t make things weird, so he decided to deal with this on his own. Hoseok was going to head home and deal with the living hell that was his mother and his sisters pestering him about Hyungwon, his presumed boyfriend or any other possible love interest that Hoseok didn’t want to bring along. It was just one week anyway, he could handle it.

Before going to his friends, Hoseok headed to the bar to grab pint of beer; with all of this in his head, he was in serious need of some alcohol. The place was a bit crowded than when Gun and him arrived there, so was kinda difficult to move around; the blond barely noticed when he bumped into a wood pillar and dropped the glass pint, right next to where Hyungwon was sitting, almost near the boy’s feet.

The light under their friends was blood red, almost vampiristically; it was a good aesthetic to distract oneself from their outside lives, and it also made it easy to mistake spilled bear by blood. The dread that invaded his face when he saw Hyungwon, a bit startled, reaching out to touch the remains of the pint on the ground. Hoseok never ran so fast in his entire life to check the younger’s hand, looking for any trace of scratches. The taller looked down at him with a confused expression.

“You’re okay, Wonnie? Jesus, I’m sorry, I could’ve hurt you, I’m so stupid for-”

“Hoseok” The raven-haired boy’s second hand came to rest on top of his friend’s head, reassuring him everything was fine. “It’s okay. I was just going to push the glass away, so you wouldn’t step on it ‘cause you’re that stupid.”

These seconds that seemed to pass slowly than normally made a home inside of him; everything else was out of reach, even their friends that stared at them for some time then went back to the topic of their conversation. Hyungwon smiling down at him — without covering his mouth this time, made Hoseok feel as if they could announce the world was going to crumble, ending in fire in the next day, and he wouldn’t give a single shit because looking at his friend right now, he just knew things were going to be alright, one way or another. It didn’t matter what was going to happen; as long as he had Hyungwon around, he didn’t fear the world and it’s hindrances. Not even the cold floor under the hand he used to stabilize himself, covered in spilled alcohol, had any importance in the big picture inside his mind.

That was the moment Hoseok knew he was gone for fucking good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE JOOGUN IS COMING CALM YA TITS  
> changki is coming in the next chapter yall and so is the actual fake dating thingy  
> and CONGRATS MONSTA X FOR WINNING BEST CONCERT PERFORMER AT MAMA YALL MAKE ME PROUD EVERYDAY YOU PRECIOUS DUMBASSES also congrats Seventeen for Best Dance Performance Male Group and Worldwide Favorite Artist (i googled it cuz im dumb), yall be making an appeareance here in da future  
> see ya kids


	5. It’s Alright, This Is Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my children i have returned.  
> enjoy (or not). the alternative title of his chapter is "hoseok is playing himself, the rise of changki is happening and hyungwon doesn't give a flying fuck".  
> the title of this chapter it's from a Davichi song, an OST from a drama with the same name WHICH BY THE WAY IT'S AMAZING AND I CRIED LIKE A LIL BITCH DEFINITELY RECOMMEND IT  
> p.s: there's a scene near the end that contains some homophobia, so if that makes you uncomfortable, skip it. (but it has hyungwon being THAT bitch if makes things better)

Hoseok didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know what he was doing most of his life, to be sincere. Until some point it was fun and wild, but it’s side effects became more unpleasant than the fun he had. These thoughts got mixed with thoughts of the boy; not quite a puzzle, Hoseok felt like he was playing a chess game when it was about Hyungwon. The taller boy still seemed so timid — almost intimidated — that his head was creating a lot of different options of how to be closer, how to show that he cared.

The time in Hoseok’s life were divided in Before Hyungwon and After Hyungwon; there was no other calendar possible.

**Before Hyungwon.**

The days blended in the same mixture of boring hours and surrounding people seemed to have an indistinguishable language; they were like clones, repeating the same preprogrammed sentences without even realizing it. Minhyuk was, probably, the only person that felt like a breath of fresh air most of the days; Hoseok was even sick of being with himself. Life wasn’t never that bad, though. He dated in his first year in college; nothing nasty happened for the break up to happen, his ex just had the opportunity to study overseas and Hoseok couldn’t be the person who would stop him from achieve things.

It was hard for Hoseok, without doubt. He always felt like it was a weakness to get attached to people so quick and so damn hard; he’d fall and think he was flying the entire time. It wasn’t like he didn’t have wings, but the feeling of falling was addictive; it was freedom. Once he fell, he forgot what his wings were meant to do and no, he also didn’t know how it was possible. The thing about falling is that he’d hit the ground alone to fend for himself and it was nobody’s fault but his; no one forced him to jump. Falling was a lonely process and not even the wind makes such nice company.

His life was pretty good, if’d ask Hoseok. He’d complain just as much as every other grad student, frequented some questionable parties and had less sleep than he’d like to. Occupying his mind with the shit ton of papers that’d come for him every goddamn week, giving attention to his friends, visiting his family more; it all helped him to heal from everything that happened. And Hoseok did, truly. It’s just… he didn’t expect to actually run away in order to avoid his ex when he appeared for a visit, out of the blue in the end of the semester of his second year, almost seven months after leaving.

He looked good, as always. He looked younger, more carefree. Hoseok was happy for him, honest to God. Sure, he missed the man like crazy, but that wasn’t what he felt when he saw his ex. Hoseok didn’t want to face the man in that exact time, he didn’t want to have meaningless small talk. So he ran.

In most days, he’d let the dramatic stuff to Minhyuk, but in the moment he saw the man he once called boyfriend, his back facing Hoseok while spoke with one of his old friends in front of the building, the blond’s legs seemed to move on their own. In the opposite direction.

Hoseok entered the first open room he saw in front of him. It’d been a complete idiotic act, of course, but to be fair, it was uncommon for his brain to do stuff like that. It was just one of _those_ moments in life, Hoseok told himself. Sure, it wasn’t that ridiculous. All the racing towards that foreign place made him pant a bit and it was clear he needed to exercise more weekly. One good thing would come out of this, you know.

Time seemed to pass in a different speed. It took awhile for Hoseok to notice a faint breath somewhere in the room; he noticed he wasn’t alone. The lighting was crappy and he barely could see the person’s face, but the boy seemed to be struggling with something. Hearing his erratic breath as he wandered closer to him, he understood the other was having a panic attack and a “Oh” escaped from his mouth. The way he carefully walked in his direction made Hoseok feel as if he was patronizing the boy sitting by one of the two shelves in the room.

Crouched down near the slim boy hugging his legs, a closer look at the raven-haired boy made him feel the urge to embrace the stranger, as if this could make things better. He chose not to touch the other without his permission; his brain was functioning enough for that. Hoseok didn’t hide his worry, though.

“Are you okay?” The blond muttered, with caution. The way the boy looked stared at the floor made Hoseok feel as if someone had their hands clenching his heart. “Shit, are you okay?”

The stranger having a panic attack laughed.

Not a bad thing, anyone would say, and it made Hoseok’s heart a little lighter.

There was a thing about the way he laughed, under the shitty lonely light of the maintenance room — he noticed where he was while waiting for the stranger to calm down from his laughter — that made him seem ethereal, almost like a phantom. The light bulb over their heads emitted a balminess clean yellow, but around the raven-haired boy all Hoseok could see was a blinding milk-white aura, as if the stranger emitted his own light apart from his environment. Tilting his head a bit, he concluded it was a beautiful phenomenon.  

“Okay.” The boy said in a low voice, lifting his head to look at Hoseok.

The blond finally moved to sit in front of him. He felt the carefulness on his words coming out of his mouth. “Are you okay? I mean… You don’t have to tell me anything… I guess… Just… Are you okay? Were you having a panic attack?”

The other boy in the room moved his body up, his back properly leaning against the shelf. “Yeah. Did you lock the door?”

Not the question he was expecting to hear. His face must’ve have let it show.

“What? I… What? Why?”

As the stranger let out a loud wheeze, the thought that hearing more of the boy’s laugh wouldn’t be a hassle crossed Hoseok’s mind.

“Because… I don’t want anyone else to come here and see me like that. You already did, so I don’t feel like I need more embarrassment that I'll remember for the next 10 years.”

The straightforward answer stunned the blond man a bit, slightly mouth agape.

“I’m… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I didn’t planned… I didn’t…”

“Calm down. I’m not blaming you of anything. Actually, you distracted me of not fainting due lack of oxygen.”

Hoseok couldn’t stop himself from smiling; it was there before he even could do anything about it. This felt more invasive than the early thought of hugging the boy he didn’t even know.

A soft, deep voice cut through the silence of the maintenance room. “Hyungwon. I’m Hyungwon. Chae Hyungwon. I think if you watch some weird guy losing his shit and you try to help him, at least it’s right to let you know who he is. Well, just so you can avoid said weird guy if there's a next time.”

It was Hoseok’s time to laugh. He’d never met anyone that would surprise him that much in such short period of time.

 “Shin Hoseok. That’s my name. And I don’t think you’re weird. By the way, if someone here is weird it’s me.”

“Why?” 

“Because I bursted in here to hide from someone. People do these things in movies and it never seems like it’s weird, but it kinda is. So, not only I’m the weirdo, I also must look like an idiot right now.”

“You look older than me.” 

Hoseok couldn’t contain his chuckle again. “I’m 24. You?”

“23. I was right.”

Hyungwon seemed to be better than when Hoseok found him, 15 minutes earlier. He wanted to ask more things about the raven-haired boy, there was something about him that he didn’t seem to fully comprehend. Before he could think of a question, the other got up, mumbling a _thank-you-i-have-to-go-now-so-thank-you-i’m-leaving-first,_ _and simply left. Hoseok wasn’t sure the other heard his_ _“wait!”_ _under all the hurry of that process._

Maybe the boy was, indeed, an apparition.

**After Hyungwon.**

Hyungwon was peacefully sleeping beside Hoseok, something the blond man should’ve been doing too. Gun stayed behind with Jooheon and the others, but Hyungwon called it a night an hour after the end of Changkyun and Jooheon’s performance, and the older offered to walk him back to the dorm. Once there, the raven-haired boy claimed he was too tired to walk back to his own room, so Hoseok agreed to give him a piggyback to his own room, because according with Hyungwon, the blond wouldn’t have to walk more that way. Propping up his chin with his elbow on the pillow, Hoseok stared down at the taller boy as if it could make disappear everything he realized he was feeling; it’d make things messy and he couldn’t afford to lose the boy. It’d go away, Hoseok assured himself.

The hand grasping his arm was warmer than anything Hoseok ever had touched; not even the faint light coming from his bedside lamp was a match to Hyungwon’s hold. It’d be a shame to lose this, so Hoseok wasn’t going to. Faintly moving in his sleep, Hyungwon buried his face deeper in the pillow he shared with the older, making his dark bangs fall over his face. The way Hoseok’s hand automatically moved to push the younger’s hair back off his face almost scared him, as if he had caught himself doing something he shouldn’t. It wasn’t like that, obviously, and he tried to keep that as the truth. _It’s alright, it’s alright._

What wasn’t alright was the way his heart stopped for a millisecond when Hyungwon’s head leaned into his hand, like the most natural thing in the world.

Hoseok remembered the first time he saw the boy. He barely could see his face, but undoubtedly there was the feeling that Hyungwon was more than he allowed people to see. Call it a puzzle, a mystery; Hoseok wanted to see what was underneath all the facades Hyungwon was constantly putting on to protect himself. Maybe it’d be in a glimpse, maybe he’d never get to see what he desired, but the blond wasn’t willing to give up. He was always trying to create new ways to show he wasn’t going to leave, the younger deserved to be sure of that.

He loved Hyungwon, for sure. As much as he loved Minhyuk, Hyunwoo, Kihyun, Gun, and now, Jooheon and Changkyun. He was one of his best friends, his partner to watch sappy shit and Disney movies, someone he felt incredibly protective over. It would feel like that with every other friend, right? Sure thing. The hand he kept on the boy’s face seemed like it wanted to make a home to itself there, so he thought it’d be better to back off.

Hoseok remembered the way he felt when he first heard Hyungwon’s laugh; it was such a privilege to be able to keep witnessing that, except when the taller insisted in covering his smile with his hand. The way his eyes became a thin line made him even more beautiful. Sometimes, Hoseok doubted that Hyungwon knew how handsome he was. There wasn’t a single person they met that hadn’t notice that. The younger could be a model if he wanted to; his nut-brown eyes fit perfectly with his long and very slightly flat nose, but that left the great finale to his thick rosy lips.

Not that he payed that much of attention, it was just hard to ignore the younger’s looks. Again, he liked to believe this was the truth that to avoid feeling pity for himself.

 

 

November finally made it’s appearance, bring the cold breeze and the snow the Hoseok loved since he was a child. It was a whole different story now that he had to get up at 7am almost every day, getting out of his warm and cozy bed that, sometimes, had an even warmer and cozier second body on it. Leaving his last class of that Thursday, Hoseok was making his way to the cafeteria to have lunch with the others when Changkyun stopped him on his tracks.

“Hoseok hyung, you know you’re my favorite hyung, right?” The younger was giving Hoseok some puppy eyes while fidgeting Hoseok’s black leather jacket, which meant he wanted something. A brat.

“What do you need from me? Can we talk later? I’m hungry and the rest of the guys are already eating…”

“Hyungwon hyung always waits for you, don’t worry.” Hoseok made the decision to ignore the things this sentence did to his stomach. He was just hungry. “I’m needing some help right like… now. Don’t gimme that look, isn’t that serious… It’s just… my brain, hyung.”

This was going to be long. Crossing the hallway, Hoseok dragged the maknae by his wrist to sit on the stairs the led to the second floor.

Sitting down on one of the, he proceed. “Use your words properly, Changkyun.”

“You dated before, right?”

“Yeah. He’s overseas now.”

“Wow, very morning drama-like, hyung, I’m proud of your life choices. Anyways, people say when you like someone it’s actually in your brain that you like said person, that’s why I said ‘my brain, hyung’ like, two minutes ago. I mean…” The light-brown haired made a pause, nervously scratching his neck as if he was afraid of saying something wrong. A new one when it comes from Changkyun. “Actually, I already made out with a person and-”

The older sighed. “So, you and Kihyun actually are going somewhere with this relationship of yours.”

The boy’s stood that gaping at his hyung in open-mouthed surprise.

“WHAT? How do you…?”

“Kyunnie, all of our friends seem to think I’m the most qualified person to give love advices, and our friends also can’t keep a secret not even to save their lives, so I always end up knowing everything. I could be blind and still notice the vibe around you two, though.”

The other nodded, staring at the floor.

“Thing is — I don’t know where we’re standing right now, you know… we have our thing, but I don’t want it to be just casual sex-”

“I don’t need to hear the details, Changkyun. I still want to have an appetite.”

“Okay, anyway, I just… I really like him, but I feel like if I say these things to him, I’ll scare him away. But I think he really likes me too.”

Changkyun was, for sure, the most extra person Hoseok had met in his life, but he could see what the youngest was saying was serious. Sitting in the last of the stair steps, he looked up at him.

“Honestly, Kyun, the options aren’t too many… You either tell him how you feel and see how the things develop from that or you keep doing whatever it is you two are doing. Do you think he’s worth the-”

“Yep. No matter what you were going to say, it’s definitely yes.”

 

To Changkyun, he knew he had a crush on the older boy in the exact moment he saw the other throwing his head back to chuckle really loud in the middle of the street, on the first night they met each other. Kihyun was witty, handsome and almost on the same level of extraness than him; it was quite impossible not to fall for him. His hamster-face like was the most adorable thing Changkyun had ever seen, especially when he had too much drinks and it got a little bit reddish — the way Kihyun would bring his hands to cup his own face and say “Wooooow” was too much for his weak heart to handle.

The first time he kissed Kihyun was in the very same night he got his and Jooheon’s stuff back, at the Halloween party. He wasn’t sure how things ended up like that; one second they were laughing at some dubious joke Changkyun made about a boygroup and in the next second his tongue was already exploring Kihyun’s mouth; the grass underneath them suddenly didn’t felt that cold. The brown-haired boy under him wrapped his arms around Changkyun’s neck, bringing him closer, practically on top of the older.

In 21 years of life, that was something the maknae had never experienced. It wasn’t just a kiss, it was a goddamn out of the body experience. The way the older seemed to perfectly fit in his arms felt meant to be; the entire life he’d been living cautiously led him to that point, to that exact person. That was the thing that surprised Changkyun the most: the feeling of totally certainty.

Relationships were never his thing; music had been the only interest that caught his attention for a long time and, even if it seems like a terrible thing to say, he’d always get tired of people, at some point. There wasn’t a gentle way to say this. When younger, Changkyun tried his best to keep in his life people he didn’t really care about, but that seemed to truly appreciate his company. Comparing this situation with all the others he lived when ruling people out of his life, forcing things upon himself made Changkyun feel even more shittier.  

Music was simple, it always has been. The patterns and endless possibilities were what drew the boy in since his teenager years, and he couldn’t remember what he did with his life before writing and producing his own songs. Music also brought his best friend into his life, and he’d always be thankful for that. Sometimes, Changkyun could give Jooheon a hard time because of his stupid mouth that looked like it had a free will, but he didn’t know where he would’ve been without the older boy. Music and Jooheon were the only constants in the maknae’s life for a long period, but now he didn’t know what to do with the fact that he fell in love with someone.

A very attractive and down to fight 24/7 someone.

The second time he kissed Kihyun was a couple of days after their first meeting with him and the others. In the library for the third time that day, Changkyun had been so tired of having to read the same textbook almost a thousand of times to see if his brain actually picked up something from that bullshit, that he almost didn’t noticed someone sliding down in the chair in front of him.

“‘Sup, lazy ass.” Kihyun beamed with pleasure at him, making the pen that was currently hanging on his mouth to fall off on the table. The other boy seemed more gorgeous that he already was, if that was humanly possible.

The younger cleared his throat before speaking. “Having fun, hyung? ‘Cause I’m dying.”

His chuckle gave Changkyun’s stomach a very weird sensation.

“Let’s get out of here.”

“Why? It’s warm? And I have to-”

“That wasn’t a question. Come on.”

As Kihyun got up and waited for Changkyun to put his things in his backpack, the older’s stare didn’t leave him for a single second. Changkyun started praying, just in case.

The brown-haired boy seemed to have some kind of supernatural power over him, one that usually made him forget how they would always end up pressed against each other somewhere; he doesn’t even remember well the trek from the library to Kihyun’s dorm room, which was in the same floor as the one he shared with Jooheon. His senses came back to him in full capacity when he heard Kihyun let out a loud moan in Changkyun’s mouth, both already half naked on Kihyun’s bed.

As the time went by, these things between them became sort of habitual. They were still friends; still talked bullshit about other people and the most random subjects one could think of, but the fact that they never explicitly talked about where they stood started to bug Changkyun. Not that he had any complaints about the older, though. Every time they slept together, the maknae had more and more certainty that he’d never find another person like Kihyun simply because there was no one else like him; the way he became a mess under him and kept chanting his name in bed made Changkyun want to trap the brown-haired in his arms and never let go.

 

Kihyun had always been good at making bad decisions, because once God was making him, in his almighty reign, He had to give him some talents. So it was making astronomical bad decisions and giving amazing blowjobs.

He was sure he wasn’t in his right mind, he needed to do a medical check up as soon as possible; maybe a brain scan too. The Kihyun that would be logical and would not keep making out with someone he liked too much to be around would agree with the Stupid Kihyun.

His second mistake was drunkenly telling Hyungwon about his stupidity. He’d never be able to live that down.

Hyungwon was pretending he was paying attention to the book he was reading, sitting on his bed with Kihyun’s head on his lap, when he spoke out of the blue. “But you two are… exclusive, right?”

Kihyun looked up at his friend. “What?”

“You and Changkyun.”

“Well… I don’t know? We never talked about this.”

“So you’d be fine if he went and banged someone else?”

This made Kihyun slap the book out of the younger’s hand more outraged than he’d like to admit. “What?”

“So that’s a no. When you’re gonna tell him you, as Minhyuk would say, _like like_ him?”

Kihyun scoffed and sat down beside his best friend.

“It’s just a thing.”

“Kihyun, I love you from the bottom of my heart, but you’ve always been full of shit about what you call ‘a thing’.”

“You know what, Hyungwon-”

Shifting his position to face Kihyun, the taller boy pulled an unimpressed look.

“Stop being a pretender. I see the looks and the vibe you two give when near each other, just date already so I can mock you two in peace.” After a pause, Hyungwon finished his speech. “You’re happier these days, you know.”

Kihyun opened his mouth to spit a response, but nothing came out. He didn’t quite know how to refute this, and he honestly wanted to jump off a bridge.

“We’re just fine like this, Hyungwon. I don’t need more, and Changkyun probably doesn’t either.”

“How can you be sure of this? I can’t handle the heart eyes he keeps shooting at you whenever you laugh or say some of your stupid insights. I want you to be happy, Ki, for real.”

 

 

To: Hyungwonnie

_You busy? Gotta talk with you the Extra Couple._

To: Hoseok (not hyung)

_The coffee shop in 15 minutes. Just had a chat about this with Kihyun, he’s going to be the death of me._

To: Hyungwonnie

_Well, die a bit later, I think I have an idea to solve this._

To: Hoseok (not hyung)

_Will this be a “leave the 119 on speed dial” idea? Just checking._

To: Hyungwonnie

_Nah, but we gonna need Minhyuk._

To: Hoseok (not hyung)

_I’m definitely putting the 119 on speed dial._

 

The danger with Minhyuk being the smartest person around was that he was _Minhyuk._ Minhyuk, that once set someone on fire — accidentally, but literally — at a party when discussing who was the hottest: Park Bogum or Song Joong Ki. Minhyuk, the same person that can speak six languages (Korean, Japanese, English, Spanish, Mandarin and Cantonese) because he was always alone at home when growing up, surrounded by thousands of books that he wanted to read, but a lot of them weren’t in Korean. Minhyuk who, one year ago, joined a topless Naruto run competition in the coldest day of winter. The problem with all this coming from the same person is that it’s impossible to predict when or if his actions were going to end up well.

As an only child without friends, Minhyuk spent most of his free time playing video games, which soon led him to discover that he was good with electronics, a hobby he still enjoyed as an adult. Which turned out to be useful when he landed a nice part-time job at a superstore; people got stunned by his bright personality and his precise advices about what was the best electronics to buy. That’s why he was summoned to help Hoseok and Hyungwon in their crusade for the night.

“Are you sure we’ll be able to hear what they say through this tiny thing?” Hoseok supervised Minhyuk’s work from Hyungwon’s bed, cross-legged.

“Hyung.” Minhyuk spoke, still mostly concentrated in installing the small device he brought to Hyunwoo and Hyungwon’s room. “I find your lack of faith disturbing. Honey, pass me the duct tape, please.”

Standing near his room’s table and beside his boyfriend, Hyunwoo calmly handed what the boy wanted. He stared down at Minhyuk, currently sitting on the wood chair, and couldn’t stop thinking that he fell in love with the most multifaceted man alive; to his luck, said man loved him back in his full intense way of existence. Hyunwoo was sure that there wasn’t a single thing that Minhyuk couldn’t do, except for swimming. Because he was goddamn terrified of it.

A very sensitive matter that Hyunwoo or their friends didn’t bring it up. He’d lost the count of the times he had to calm down a crying Minhyuk that watched Titanic over and over again, which, at first, he thought it’d help him overcome his aquaphobia, but only made him sad that all those people died, especially the ones that didn’t have a lifesaver or didn’t know how to swim. Minhyuk made the older swear, every time, that he’d never sacrifice himself to save Minhyuk like Jack did with Rose in the movie.

“So… you guys are sure that this will work out?” Hyunwoo asked his other two dongsaengs in the room.

The raven-haired one didn’t need to lift his head, focused on his book, to answer him. “Hyung, I’m not sure I’m even in the same reality as the rest of you, most of the time. The chances of this working for real are pretty good, though.”

Hoseok didn’t take his eyes off the device Minhyuk was turning on. “And if this doesn’t work…”

“Kihyun will probably murder me.”

Hoseok chuckled and turned to face Hyungwon. “That’s a reach.”

“It’s not.” The taller solemnly replied. “When I was 15, he chased me with a chainsaw at school because I ate his pudding. He could kill all of us and in the next minute go for ice cream.”

“Where the fuck did he get a chainsaw in school?” The dark-blue haired turned around to ask.

“To this day I have no idea.”

“So” Hoseok said, summing up the previous topic. “If things go well, the Extra Couple actually becomes a couple, and if things go south, we either end up dead or in jail, since I’m very sure what Minhyuk is doing is kind of illegal.”

Minhyuk let out a loud wheeze. “Ah, the nice common Thursdays in college, always so exciting.”

Finishing setting up the small hidden microphone inside of one of Hyungwon’s books, precisely left in the middle of the table for better reception, the four of them went out to the hallway to proceed with the plan.

Earlier, Kihyun left Hyungwon’s room very upset, so he texted his best friend telling him to come over to eat chicken and watch any movie that Kihyun wanted, to make amends. Huge bullshit, of course Hyungwon wouldn’t apologize for being right, but the plan is the plan.

Leaving Hyungwon alone in his room to prepare his part, Hoseok, Hyunwoo and Minhyuk crossed the campus to get the other man involved. Arriving at Changkyun and Jooheon’s dorm room, they found a very distressed and red-faced Changkyun singing along to The Killers.

“’Cause I just can't look its killing meeeeeeeeeee and taaaaaaaaaaaking controooooool, jeaaaaaaalousy, turning saints into the seaaaaaaaaaa- Oh, hi guys, what’s up?” The figure at the door they knocked was on the verge of having a mental breakdown. They seriously pitied Changkyun at that moment.

Hoseok was the first to speak. “Hey, Changkyun-ah. We’re heading to the bar right now, come with us.”

“I don’t know, hyung… I’m not really well as you all can see. I’ve listened to half of the entire American indie discography from the 00’s so far.”

“Come on, Kyunnie.” Minhyuk stepped forward and started dragging the maknae outside. “I’m not leaving you alone like this tonight. Come on, Hyungwon already agreed to drive us.”

 

“Turtle.”

“Hamster.”

The brown-haired boy frowned at his best friend, as the latter opened the door for him. Much (kinda) for his dismay, he went settle on Hyungwon’s bed, taking off his scarf. It was a cold as fuck night and, Jesus Christ, he loved heating.

“The food? I’m starving.”

“I already ordered.” Hyungwon replied. “There’s beer on the table.”

The second knock on his door that night happened at a perfect timing, and the raven-haired hurried to answer. Briefly peeking outside and using his body to block Kihyun’s view, he looked down to confirm that the maknae was there.

The boy looked such a big ball of sadness that made Hyungwon’s heart ache a bit. Still, he smiled at the sight of Changkyun. “Good.”

Hyungwon knew he had to act fast to not allow retaliation from his best friend, so at the same time he got himself out of the room, he used one of his hands to grab Changkyun by his jacket and threw the boy inside his room; the youngest almost tripped on his feet in the course. Hyungwon’s erratic heartbeat was a proof that he didn’t recall the last time he’d moved that quick.

 

The knock on the door earned Kihyun’s attention. He eyed his friend at the entrance, apparently talking with someone he presumed was the deliveryman, and returned to scroll past his social medias. The entire world seemed to be dead just when he needed a big and potent distraction. Fucking hell.

A loud ‘Ouch!’ made the brown-haired lift his head in confusion, searching for Hyungwon, but all he saw was the door being shut with a loud bang. It took a while for him to notice that Hyungwon wasn’t the one in the room with him anymore.

_Shit._

“What the fu- Oh.”

Kihyun froze on his spot on Hyungwon’s bed, eyes widened as if he was seeing a ghost. The person was very much alive, that he could attest with all the conviction. Dead people don’t kiss like tha-

“Shit.” He didn’t mean to let this out, honest to Christ. It was that Changkyun kept staring at him, it was fucking distracting.

A voice came from outside the room.

_“Please, solve whatever it’s happening between you two, we can’t handle this shit anymore. You’ll be stuck in there until you talk about what need to be discussed.”_

Hyungwon _._ The little shit was _so_ dead.

Minhyuk’s voice concluded the explanation. _“We love you, bye!”_

The fact that they had the nerve, they really had, of locking him up there with Changkyun finally sunk in. Moving his legs out of the bed and walking past Changkyun, he started furiously beating on the door.

“Open this fucking door! I swear I’ll impale all of you with a barbecue pick when I get out of here. Chae Hyungwon!” Another round of banging on the door and receiving complete silence as an answer.

“I’m really that bad to be around, hyung?”

Changkyun’s words hit his chest like a bullet, and the way his voice sounded so hurt made him want to die more than anything.

“It’s not like that.” The older muttered, still not facing the maknae, not very confident.

“You can just say you don’t want to hang out with me _like that_. You’re still a friend I like and respect very much.”

“Changkyun…”

The younger’s eyes kept piercing through his skin. “What?”

“I’m not… I’m… Fuck, Jesus, I… It’s not you, it’s not your fault.” Kihyun was at a loss of words, for once in his life. He wasn’t expecting this shit to happen at that moment. He’s just… not good with turning feelings into words. Especially these non-platonic feelings.

The light-brown haired let out a faint laugh, almost sarcastic.

“ _Wow_ , a classic, hyung. Not what I was hoping to hear, but thanks for the cliché.”

“It’s not like that.”

“It is.” Changkyun declared. He’d never looked at him like that, with so much sorrow. “You wanna know what it’s actually my fault? Feeling my heart stopping for a few seconds with the way you make me feel when laugh and throw your head back, or when you’re so concentrated on find something when cooking and that makes you pout a lot, shit, I could list a shit ton of reasons that made me fall in love with you, but that would take years, don’t worry though, I can always write some sad songs and get ov-”

“YOU WHAT?”

Changkyun moved to sit on Hyunwoo’s bed, letting out a tired sigh.

“I just said a lot of things, hyung, you-”

A dazzled Kihyun cut through his sentence. “You… like me? That’s-”

“I said I fell in love with you. Those exact words.”

 _That escalated quickly_. Kihyun wasn’t ready. But to be honest, he didn’t know if he would ever be ready for something like this. He felt a bit dizzy. The other looked up at him with a puzzled grimace on his face.

“Hyung? You’re pale as hell, Jesus, you’re fine? God, I’m a fucking idiot, I should’ve know you weren’t going to take that well. Look, forget what I said, we can still be friends, right? As I said, I’ll get over it by writing some sad songs about y-”

 _It was now or never_. Kihyun had to snap back to reality and do something, even if he’d regret this later.

“Shut the fuck up, Im Changkyun.”

The younger was surprised.

“Okay.”

“How the fuck you say things like that… like that? Christ…” He started pacing in front of Hyunwoo’s bed, trying to convince himself he wasn’t in that situation. “You’re weird, okay? And I like that you’re weird. Keep being weird.”

“Okay…”

“I said to shut up. I don’t want to stop this. Us. I’ve never… I’ve never liked someone like this. Hyungwon asked me earlier if I’d be bothered if you hooked up with someone else and I hadn’t thought about that, but when I did, earlier, I was so fucking furious I was kinda shocked. I like being with you a lot, Changkyun. I’m not good with this. You know. At least now you do. I don’t like those rides on amusement parks because I can’t control what happens, I hate things out of my control, I get so afraid. I am…” Finally raising his head from the floor he’d be gazed the past minute, Kihyun saw that the features on Changkyun’s face softened a bit. “I don’t want you to go, but…”

“You like me?”

“What? I… _Yes_.”

“But you’re scared about things getting more serious between us because you never had a relationship, a romantic one.”

“…Yes.”

“Wait a minute.” Changkyun started searching for something in the pocket of his jacket, pulling his phone out.

The boy typed something for a few seconds and put the phone on his ear.

“Jooheon, it’s me.”

 _What?_ Changkyun’s voice kept getting louder and excited.

“Yeah, I know you and Gun are on a date right now, stop making out for a second to hear this. You’re hearing me? BOY, MY BOY… Kihyun hyung likes me! In the _like like_ way. BOY, he just told me! Put the phone on speaker, Gun needs to hear this too. Hi, Gun, BOY… Kihyun just told me he likes me. In the _like like_ way! Where am I? A long story, but I’m with him right now. Oh. _Sure_. You’re both right. Sorry, I needed to have this moment. Love you two, use protection. Bye!”

The brown-haired boy couldn’t contain his laugh. Minhyuk ruined all of them for life. They got so caught up in the moment they didn’t even spot the room’s key being slipped under the door.

“So, back to the serious stuff. When I was in high school, Jooheon made me promise I’d tell him everything that ever happened to me in the exact moment, and I keep my promises.”

“You’re unbelievable, Changkyun.”

“It’s okay to be afraid, hyung. You should be. I’m afraid too. But you’re the first thing I think of when someone asks me where do I see myself in the future. Because I want to be with you. If you’d like to be with me, well, it’d be hella cool too. Hoseok hyung questioned me earlier if you were worth it. To me, you are. You’re worth it all, heaven or hell, I’ve never been more sure of someth-”

Changkyun never got to finish his speech since Kihyun’s arms already were around his neck, almost making him lose his balance in bed. The older was half straddling him and when he pulled back from Changkyun, he could feel Kihyun’s body trembling on top of him.

Kihyun felt like he’d just bungee jumped without a rope, but now he couldn’t care less about if he was going to end up shattered on the ground. He was scared, sure, his body was the first one to betray him; the older never felt more exposed in his life than at the moment, quivering on Changkyun’s lap. Maybe this was a type of bravery, one that took him so long to happen that made him feel as if this wasn’t happening. But it was. Changkyun’s hand on his neck, the younger’s smile when they kissed again, Changkyun’s hands on his clothed hips, Changkyun, Changkyun, Changkyun. He was real and Kihyun had never been more grateful that he was real. Kihyun would defy life itself if the boy wasn’t; the feeling of having Changkyun’s raspy voice whispering how much he likes him was the only thing that mattered when the older thought about feeling scared.

He was okay with being afraid, as long as Changkyun stayed with him. Kihyun was sick and tired of pretending this feeling wasn’t there; he’d never been so scared in his entire life, but it’s alright, Changkyun was worth it all.

 

“Hyung, are you fucking crying for real?” Seeing all those tears on Hyunwoo’s face made Hyungwon feel a bit awkward.

“I’m just happy.” The older muttered, brushing away the tears with the back of his hand. “I’m happy for them. And I’m happy I found Minhyukkie.”

Good Lord. Hyungwon should stop helping his friends to get together, because he had to endure so much corny shit.

“I’m done.” Hyungwon declared, getting up from the stairs the four of them had been sitting on for the past 10 minutes. He turned off and threw at Minhyuk the little silver box they’d been using to listen to those idiots. Realizing his hands were cold as fuck, he adjusted his thin round glasses before burying his hands in the pockets of his black hoodie. “Let’s eat, I’m starving.”

Minhyuk got a text in the exact moment he made a move to get up. Taking his phone out of the pocket of his coat, and after a second, all the color on the dark-blue haired’s face vanished into thin air. Hyunwoo, already up, glanced down at his boyfriend and knew something was wrong. The boy seemed a bit out of himself.

“Babe? Minhyuk?”

His boyfriend barely lifted his head to answer.

“He’s here, hyung.”

Fuck.

 

As Hyunwoo went after a very worried Minhyuk, Hoseok and Hyungwon shared a bewildered look and chose to follow the couple. As his friends walked, hand in hand, Hyungwon noticed they seemed to be heading to Minhyuk’s dorm building, not much far from the one Hyunwoo and him lived. He didn’t have a single clue of what was happening, but Hyungwon had the feeling that shit was about to go down. That unnerving tension in the air that made his chest heavy was the worst feeling in the world.

Hoseok and him decided to keep certain distance from the couple, to not make them feel crowded. The silent walk to where Minhyuk lived terrified the shit out of Hyungwon. Once they made to the second floor, the raven-haired boy saw Minhyuk freeze in front of his room’s door, with a frightened look set on his face.

“Dad.”

_Oh, Holy fucking Christ wearing a fake Nike._

Minhyuk’s dad was a topic only approached a couple of times, but it was enough for Hyungwon hate the man’s guts to death. Not only he’d been a major league asshole when his only son told him he was gay, but he’d also cut any financial help to Minhyuk in college; as if being gay was a sin that needed punishment, mostly moneywise. Of course, Hyungwon hadn’t expressed his rage in front of his friend, he was still Minhyuk’s dad, after all. However, what enraged Hyungwon the most was the fact that the man subtly blamed the boy for the fact that his wife, Minhyuk’s mom, left them when Minhyuk was only 5 years-old. Who in their right mind in this fucking world blames a kid for a broken relationship? How much of a prick do you have to be to chastise you own son since he was a child because of things he couldn’t control? Well, Minhyuk’s father reached that level.

“Minhyuk.”

The man in front of them appeared to be younger than he actually was; he probably would be reaching the end of his 40’s soon enough, head full of deep brown hair and was just a few centimeters smaller than his son. It was a bit unpleasant how much he resembled Minhyuk, it didn’t feel right. His friend should’ve come from a family that adored and loved him, not being genetically related to a bigot.

“What-What… do you want?” Minhyuk’s voice wavered, and Hyungwon felt a twinge in his heart.

“I’m giving you on a second chance.” The older’s father voice was profoundly firm and nonchalant, and God, Hyungwon didn’t know he could hate that asshole even more, but it was possible. “Drop all of _this_ and come back home. I’ll forget about the nonsense you did. The company is doing a merge, and I need to show that I have a fierce heir. I’ll get you married into a good family, with a _woman_.”

The man observed his son’s fingers entwined with Hyunwoo’s and pulled a disgusted expression.

“I see you’re still doing… _this_.”

“I’m-I’m fine, here.” Minhyuk managed to speak, in a frail tone.

“You consider this being fine? Look at you, boy. This overused jeans and coat, looking like you came from the _bottom_. You’re far from looking fine. How can I introduce you as my son to other people? I’m not giving you another chance if you turn down this one. Pack your things and say your goodbyes, this isn’t going to lead you to any good place. Actually, don’t pack anything. You probably don’t have anything worth taking back home.”

While clenching his fist, Hyungwon noted how much Hyunwoo was restraining himself to not start a fight. Minhyuk kept his back pressed his boyfriend’s chest, preventing the man to come forward.

“I said I’m fine here. This is my home for now.” The dark-blue haired’s voice was a bit stronger this time, but still afraid. “I’m not going anywhere. Goodbye.”

Hyungwon released a breath he didn’t know he was holding when he saw Minhyuk turning around to leave, looking like he wanting to cry really bad. It didn’t last long as the boy froze in the middle of the hallway with the last of his father’s remarks.

“You’re really choosing to be an aberration for life instead of having _everything_? You’re never going to have a normal life, _this_ isn’t normal. People aren’t going to look at you and think you’re someone they would like to interact. You’re choosing to be a disgrace like your mother did. Don’t ever mention again that we’re related you fucking fagg-”

If you ask Hyungwon to pinpoint the exact moment his legs started promptly walking towards the asshole a few meters away from him, he wouldn’t know how to explain. All of it became a fuzzy scene in his head; one second he was standing next to Hoseok and in the other, Hyungwon was looking down at the blood pouring out of the few bruises of his fist. Minhyuk’s father, knocked down on the floor, gaped at him with a staggered look.

“YOU” Hyungwon yelled, and didn’t give a fuck about it. “You’re the only aberration here. You’re the one that shouldn’t have the FUCKING NERVE to call Minhyuk your son because you don’t deserve him. He’s the most amazing human being I’ve ever met, don’t you ever talk with him like that. Do you think I don’t know types like you, rich prejudiced men that think they’re above people that aren’t on their level? I grew up seeing men like you being the disease of this society, and you’re nothing but scum. Get near Minhyuk again I’ll make sure that you don’t get to have a business in this city for the rest of your pathetic life. Now, fuck off.”

As the man pulled himself up and silently made his way downstairs, Hyungwon’s brain finally seemed to notice all the pain coming from his knuckles; it wasn’t louder than his friend’s sobbing on his boyfriend’s arms.

Hyunwoo looked down at the taller’s hand and was a bit startled. “Fuck, Hyungwon, you’re bleeding.”

With these words, Minhyuk let go of his boyfriend’s embrace to face the raven-haired younger, reaching for his injured hand.

“Oh my god, Hyungwon, I’m sorry I made you-”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. You know that, right?”

In the middle of their silence, Minhyuk started crying again, crouching down and, defeated, sitting on the hallway floor. Hyungwon could only hug his friend.

“It’s alright, everything is gonna be fine, Puppy. You’re not alone, never. You’re my brother, my family. You don’t need people who don’t accept you the way you are. You’re the brightest person I know, and I love you. We all do. Hyunwoo Hyung loves you more than anything, we all do, you’re impossible to not to adore, Puppy. Everybody that matters is by your side. You have nothing to be sorry about.”

Minhyuk’s tears lasted for a good ten minutes, Hyunwoo and Hoseok leaning against the wall near the two of them that remained on the floor. After a while, Hyungwon heard a muffled “Thank you” coming from the boy pressed against his chest, allowing himself to smile.

 

 

“Ouch! This fucking hurts, in case you don’t know that.”

Even with the store’s heating system, Hyungwon still was cold like a popsicle. It wasn’t like he’d have to cut off his hand if it wasn’t treated that night, but he didn’t have the energy to fight with Hoseok.

“And that’s why, kids…” The blond smiled, still focused on bandaging Hyungwon’s hand. “We don’t go around punching people when we don’t know how to properly throw a punch.”

The younger huffed, letting out another unhappy groan in the 24-hour convenience store, two blocks away from the university. “Go fuck yourself, Hoseok. I do know how.”

The other chuckled. “You hand tells a different story.”

“I miscalculated my punch.”

“How the fuck you miscalculate a punch? It’s not rocket science.”

“Keep talking and you _feel_ another miscalculated punch of mine.”

“Okay, it’s all done.” Hoseok briefly got up to throw the dirty gauzes. The older was about to buy some ramen when he spotted the two rappers on the sidewalk and knocked on the glass wall, to get their attention.

“Hey, guys” Jooheon beamed at Hyungwon and Hoseok, entering the store with Gun trailing behind him. The raven-haired boy turned around to see the two of them.

“Hi, Joohoney, how was your night?”

The silver-haired looked down, seeming a bit embarrassed.

“It was very nice, hyung. What’s with your hand?”

“Oh, a long story, dear.”

Gun let out a fake cough, being the little shit he is. “I’m fine too, and I also had a nice night, thanks for asking, hyung.”

“Don’t mind him, Gun.” Hoseok intervened, sitting in front of his slim friend. “He’s mean when he’s in pain.”

“All of you can choke, I only care about Jooheon because he’s my favorite. No need to be jealous though, Gun.”

Gun looked between Hoseok and Hyungwon, the latter was too distracted examining the bandage on his hand, and the blond shot his roommate a death glare.

“I’m good, hyung.” Jooheon stated. “So, your hand?”

“I punched someone. The rest of the story comes later, I’m too tired.”

“And here I thought you couldn’t strike a bug.” The silver-haired rapper smiled; Hyungwon looked up at him with sleepy eyes.

“Joohoney, don’t worry, I shall protect you too even it means breaking some of my bones.”

“Take a number, Hyungwon.”

The taller ignored the fact that his favorite dongsaeng was blushing like crazy and spit a comeback. “Just wait until you have to deal with Jooheon’s dads, bitch.”

Hoseok’s roommate turned his head in Jooheon’s direction so quick that Hyungwon didn’t know how he didn’t break his neck.

“ _Dads?”_

The silver-haired sighed. “It’s a long story too.”

“You guys seem to have a lot of long stories.”

Hyungwon wheezed. “Get used to it, you’re one of us now. Welcome to hell.”

The bell over the store’s door ringed weakly, but enough to get their attention when someone entered the place. Hyungwon was going to continue the conversation, but everyone else seemed to be focused on Hoseok, that still sat in front of him, but had a perplexed expression on his face.

“Oh, hi.”

 

Hyungwon had seen him before in pictures on Hoseok’s phone. The man looked more tanned in person, a bit taller than he imagined. Looking closely at his friend, Hyungwon determined he was more surprised by his ex’s appearance than by the fact the man was _there_. An easy smile appeared on the older’s face.

“Hey. You’re visiting again?”

The man walked towards them to speak more comfortably. Wearing a brown coat and a scarf in the same tone, but darker, the hands tucked in the pockets of his jeans showed he left home a bit unprepared for the weather.

His dimples showed up in his face when he smiled. Running his fingers through dark strands, the man bowed quickly. “Nah, I’m back for good. I graduated, and no matter how nice the United States is, I miss my home. I’m settling here.”

“I’m glad.” Hoseok replied, sounding very genuine.

It strikes Hyungwon that, maybe, doing a Naruto run in that freezing ass night wouldn’t be such a bad idea. The sensation of feeling unbearably uncomfortable, for that second time that night, made him want to escape.

Hoseok introduced him, Jooheon and Gun to his ex-boyfriend and continued chatting with the guy, gladly. Using the two younger boys as an excuse, Hyungwon grabbed the two of them and muttered a shitty excuse like “We’ll be going first, they have classes early tomorrow.”, which he was sure Hoseok could tell was completely horseshit. It didn’t matter, as long as he left that store, he’d be fine.

Hyungwon kept telling himself that. The abnormal feeling in his stomach probably was there because he didn’t eat since lunch; it always fucks him up, but most of the times he’d be so concentrated in his activities that he honestly forgot to eat. Sure, he could order something to eat, but speaking on phones was never Hyungwon’s forte. There wasn’t a protocol for these stuff, and not knowing what do to and how to do were his worst nightmares. Going straight to sleep it was, instead.

After dropping Jooheon at his dorm, the nearest from the university’s entrance, and having to take a break to allow the lovebirds to say a proper farewell, he headed back to his dorm with Gunhee. Thinking about it, how he ended up surrounded by couples? At least he still had Hoseok to peacefully hang out.

It wouldn’t be long until Hoseok got a boyfriend or girlfriend again, his subconscious gently reminded him. Sure, the older was handsome and soft-hearted, it wasn’t like he’d live to keep Hyungwon company. The raven-haired decided he also didn’t want that; his friend deserved to be with someone that treated him well, that made him happy. His stomach made another growling sound.

“You’ll be fine, hyung?” Gun asked out of nowhere, while they crossed a road. “Your hand.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure.”

“Really? You look paler than you were at the convenience store.”

“It’s the cold wind, I fucking hate it. And I only had lunch, but too lazy to go get food.”

The younger chuckled, almost as if he was mocking him for knowing something Hyungwon didn’t.

“Hoseok hyung will be back, don’t worry.”

The taller stopped walking and frowned. God, it was really cold out there.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Gun tilted his head, unimpressed, and laughed again, turning back to walk home and leaving Hyungwon there.

What a little shit.

You see, denial is a strong matter. Hyungwon knew everything about denial; one had to when he grew up expecting for things that he knew it wouldn’t happen but that he wanted to, that’s how you can keep yourself sane. It’s walking the steps of a ladder while blindfolded, your mind keeps telling you you’re gonna be fine, so you think about how much you’re gonna be fine after your climb is successful. There’s no space in your head to the fact you’re navigating dangerous waters, you just want to feel safe. You do, for a while.

Reality knocks on your door when you less expect it, and that’s why Hyungwon was still standing there, in the middle of the sidewalk, feeling a loneliness stronger than any of those he’d felt in his entire life. Even being in an open space didn’t help to soften the thoughts in his head, everything he always avoided because it managed to be so overwhelming that shuts down any other function in his body.

He could handle this.

He was going to win against the incessant feeling of being abandoned, it was going to be alright. He’d live his life the best way he could, no doubt. It was going to be alright. He wasn’t going to end up alone because the people in his life could follow a path he couldn’t keep up with. _Definitely it was going to be alright_ , so take that, brain. He had people that loved him, and they wouldn’t do shut thing to him. Hyungwon _expected_ , at least. This game of expectation is played in a quicksand field, his mind told him once again. Those battles he had silently fought were the same thing was trying to prevent himself of sinking in the sand; the energy used for that was wasted in bullshit.

Hyungwon’s fingers didn’t respond to his commands anymore, they were too damn cold to even snap him out of his dissociation. Maybe that’s how his life would always be: roaming alone through an endless zone of nothing, always running towards nothing; wounded and weak, without knowing that the battle is already lost. Time sure does pass in a hurry when you’re too lost in your damn self, trying not to slip and fall, but always falling. It doesn’t matter how many tears come out of his eyes, not even a rain could turn into a hand, a rope, a rescue. He could handle this. Hyungwon knew himself too well to know he’d have to keep going, even in this state. It wasn’t alright, but it’s alright. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BRUH sorry? i want to explore more of hyungwon's plot with his anxiety and that will build up to the actual fake dating next chapter, i was going to but decided to explore minhyuk's character a bit more, so it had to be delayed. had to include some gay ass shit at least cuz i love yall
> 
> you might have noticed by now that i don't really give names to characters that appear once or twice in the story. its bc idc enough to name them idk just if anyone was wondering or wanted to know who's hoseok's ex for example. he's a blank just like that episode of doctor who that people lost their faces
> 
> lmao chapter 5 and the three side pairings are already together but the main one is struggling im laughing bc im sleep deprived
> 
> by the way, my other children DAY6 released their last mv of the year, I Like You, check this shit out cuz ITS AMAZING also listen to the album its a mf masterpiece
> 
>  
> 
> see yall next week, kids


	6. Tell Me (When Did It Start?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello kids  
> heres a chapter a bit earlier bc i was crying bc of the last jedi and needed a distraction  
> enjoy (or not)
> 
> (the title is from soyou - tell me. btw HER SOLO ALBUM IS OUT thank u queen)
> 
> (also starship keeps feeding me with hyungwonho content every time i open the vapp and i'm like  
> blessings - big sean.mp3)
> 
> (just in case:  
> puppy = minhyuk | 50% tears 50% protein= hoseok | Big Rilakkuma = hyunwoo  
> the rest is easy to know who they are)

_I.M created a new group chat_

_I.M added Hyunglost, Puppy, Hamster Overlord, 50% tears 50% protein, Big Rilakkuma, Gun(shots) and Joohoney_

_I.M changed the group’s name to: WE DEM BOIS_

[09:24 am]

 **Hyunglost** : I’m leaving

 **Joohoney** : what is this?

 **Hyunglost** : I’m staying. Hello Jooheon, how is your day so far?

 **Big Rilakkuma** : Hyungwon is so biased but who can blame him

 **Hamster Overlord** : tru

 **50% tears 50% protein** : tru

 **Puppy** : tru

 **Gun(shots)** : TOO REAL

_I.M changed the group’s name to: BI THE GAY_

**I.M** : you happy now, Hyungwon?

 **Hyunglost** : I don’t even remember the last time I was happy

 **Hyunglost** : but this one is better

 **50% tears 50% protein** : thanks for the bisexual representation

 **Gun(shots)** : same

 **Joohoney** : I’m fine, Hyungwon hyung, thanks for asking. again, what’s this?

 **I.M** : bro we needed a GC im tired of messaging yall one by one

 **Hyunglost** : We did not

 **Hamster Overlord** : let him have it, Turtle

 **Hyunglost** : You two are dating for like two weeks are you’re already sugar coating him

 **Hyunglost** : Ki, you whipped little bitch

 **Hamster Overlord** : fuck off

 

[03:02 pm]

 **I.M** : hyung………

 **Hamster Overlord** : everyone here is a hyung to you, gotta be specific

 **Gun(shots)** : lmaooooo 

 **I.M** : anyways

 **I.M** : i’m talking about hoseok hyung

 **I.M** : where he at

 **Hamster Overlord** : crying somewhere

 **Hamster Overlord** : eating ramen somewhere

 **Hamster Overlord** : somewhere with hyungwon

 **Hamster Overlord** : probably crying and eating ramen with hyungwon somewhere

 **Hyunglost** : He’s not with me.

 **Hamster Overlord** : then idk

 **Gun(shots)** : earlier he said he had class smh he’s there now

 **50% tears 50% protein** : it’s boring in here and i want to scream

 **I.M** : MY SECOND FAVORITE HYUNG

 **I.M** : the obi-wan kenobi to my luke skywalker

 **I.M** : the kenneth to my guy behind the camera saying “fuck it up kenneth” in that iconic vine

 **50% tears 50% protein** : WHAT DO YOU WANT

 **I.M** : help me obi-wan you’re my only hope

 **I.M** : sing for me

 **I.M** : i mean

 **I.M** : pls sing one of my songs its for my final project i gotta hand it over til next friday and i cant sing and the others are busy af

 **50% tears 50% protein** : hyungwon can sing

 **I.M** : HE DOES?? why i didn’t know that

 **Hamster Overlord** : because he does it only when he’s drunk

 **Hamster Overlord** : once every two years

 **I.M** : hoseok hyuuuuuuung plsssssss *puppy eyes*

 **50% tears 50% protein** : wait

 **50% tears 50% protein** : where’s minhyuk he has been silent for too long

 **50% tears 50% protein** : i have a bad feeling about this and that’s because we gonna end up in jail

 **Gun(shots)** : can we go through college without going to jail that would be nice

 **Joohoney** : I second that

 **Hamster Overlord** : [clears throat and fakes a cough] gay

 **Joohoney** : I am

 **I.M** : who summoned me

 **Joohoney** : shut up

 **I.M** : anyways

 **I.M** : pls hoseok hyung help me i’ll name my child after you

 **50% tears 50% protein** : don’t raise a child you can barely raise yourself

 **50% tears 50% protein** : ugh

 **50% tears 50% protein** : fine

 **50% tears 50% protein** : but i’m not that good and i haven’t sung in long time

 **I.M** : MY LONGEST YEA BOI EVER

 **I.M** : lets go to the coffee shop ill pay for yall today

 **Hamster Overlord** : you’re broke bitch

 **I.M** : the emergency money™ is for situations like this

 **Puppy** : HELLO

 **Puppy** : HYUNG IS GONNA SING I’M SO HAPPY

 **Gun(shots)** : there he is

 **Gun(shots)** : tf you’ve been

 **Puppy** : I WAS ON A CUTE DATE WITH MY CUTE BF

 **Big Rilakkuma** : Minhyuk just jumped off of the bench and screamed YAAAAAAAAAAAASSSS in the middle of the park

 **Big Rilakkuma** : Now you really have to sing, Hoseok

 **Puppy** : HE IS GOING TO

 **Puppy** : come to the park in front of the university so we can go together to the coffee shop ♥

 **I.M** : ok besides hyunwoo and minhyuk, the rest of yall hyungs are here?

 **Gun(shots)** : yea

 **50% tears 50% protein** : yep

 **I.M** : babe

 **Hamster Overlord** : i’m literally in front of you, changkyun

 **I.M** : Hyungwon hyung?

 **Gun(shots)** : he is offline boy look at the gc status

 **I.M** : so… y’aint

 **Gun(shots)** : delete yourself

 

 

Hyungwon didn’t mean to ignore them. Two weeks passed since he bruised his hand by punching someone, and it’s not like he meant to barely talk with his friends. The end of the second semester was the worst period of the year to him; writing a dozen of essays per week didn’t quite let him get a lot of sleep, so most of the days, after his classes, Hyungwon would go back to his dorm and drop dead until the next day.

They’d come over, as always. Minhyuk was, obviously, the most recurrent guest and he’d try to chat with the younger about any small talk topic he’d come up with; it was kind of sad that Hyungwon didn’t have the energy to give him the attention he deserved. His anxiety came back and at full strength. This often led to him being mean to people he cared about, not because they were at fault, but because he wanted to make the villain out of someone that wasn’t himself. 

He saw Changkyun, Gun and Jooheon a couple when he passed by the music building, next to his own; also caught a glimpse of Minhyuk in the cafeteria with the others and of course Changkyun and his best friend were always in the mood to be disgusting with all that PDA.

At the end of the first week after their encounter with Minhyuk’s father, Hoseok went after him in the latter’s building, to ask if he wanted to grab a coffee with him; he looked so smiley and cool that the younger almost considered not inventing an excuse to ditch the man.

Hyungwon did.

At that point, there wasn’t a single soul in the world that would believe that he wasn’t avoiding Hoseok. Since the day he punched Minhyuk’s dad, every time he looked at the blond man he’d feel uneasy; there was something tickling him under his skin and when his mind tried to pinpoint the origin of this feeling, it didn’t work.

Most of the time, Hyungwon wanted to cry when he thought about that. He hadn’t a lot of good things in his life, and yet his mind managed to screw up the few he did. It always did. Busying himself with more work than he actually had to do to not fail his classes, going to places he knew he wouldn’t see Hoseok even though it was hard to be alone in there; everything that felt like a coping mechanism was enough. Nothing did a better job than sleeping, though.

The problem itself was that, interacting with his friends would also mean to have to be in the same place as Hoseok. Going MIA in the groupchat was nothing compared to all the times he wanted to see the other boys and his fucked up mind stopped him. Hyungwon was sure he was going a bit insane.

 

 

It was true that Hyungwon and him argued a lot, almost every day. Mostly it was just because of childish stuff, or just teasing and chasing each other around because that’s what they do. Their biggest fight had been about Hoseok accidentally harming the younger, which resulted in Hyungwon didn’t speaking with him for three entire days. He was sure as hell that was their worst.

For a while, he thought Hyungwon just needed more space, like he does sometimes. The world becomes too much for him to handle and he found solace in spending his time alone. Hoseok was fine with that, of course, everything that’d do good to the boy he’d be a huge fan of. Days became two weeks and his monosyllabic text replies turned into radio silence, so of course it wasn’t just in his head.

Hyungwon became very good in hiding from the older. Most of the time, Hoseok tried to think if he did or said something wrong, something that triggered the boy into isolation. The last time they actually had a conversation was after their encounter with Minhyuk’s father, the day he also found out his ex came back to Korea. He looked really happy, Hoseok was glad for him. The man has always been incredible talented and selfless, Hoseok felt good that things worked out for him. To be honest, it wasn’t like the blond held some sort of grudge against his ex; he couldn’t be mad at someone for too long, he never had the energy for that.

After the first week, he went to Kihyun. The brown-haired looked concerned too, but it was clear that that wasn’t the first time he’d seen Hyungwon in a situation like that. Kihyun also said that his best friend texted him a few days ago saying he just need a bit more of space, and pressuring him into opening up was never the right way. In all those years of friendship, the man lost count of how many times he was rejected when insisted in helping Hyungwon; the boy always would say he could get better if he just spent a bit more time alone. Hyungwon being alone was the thing that worried Kihyun the most.

In the middle of the second week, when Changkyun created a groupchat for all of them and he actually saw Hyungwon replying their texts, a part of him felt relieved to at least having some interaction with him, but the other wanted to spam the boy in the private chat with thousand of texts asking if he could see the younger as soon as possible. It didn’t feel right, for some reason. Maybe he was a bit hurt, even though his friend did no wrong to him. The pain in his chest became a little more intense when he saw Hyungwon sending a text in the groupchat saying that he wasn’t with Hoseok; Hyungwon’s voice, in his head, read that text in a very cold way.

The entire situation became so unbearable that Hoseok felt like calling his mother, she was always right about everything, even though the nagging that came with her wisdom was a bit bothersome. So he called.

_“Hoseok, baby?”_

Moving in bed to sit up, he realized that was probably his worst moment of the day. And it was just 11:00 am. “Hi mum, how are you guys?”

_“I’m fine, darling, your father and your sisters too. I don’t want to sound rude, but why are you calling out of the blue? You said you were busy with your final project.”_

“I am.” He was. He spent the entire night awake trying to get some development on his essay. “Mom, can I ask something?”

 _“Oh, boy”_ His mother’s voice got lower, probably not expecting something like that. _“I mean… go ahead, darling.”_

Hoseok made a brief pause. “If someone stops talking to you for no apparent reason, do you have the right to be mad at them?”

_“Yes. And no.”_

“What?”

_“Darling, let me tell you something. When I used to be a teacher, before I became the director, I dealt with a lot of kids daily. You know, children fight a lot even during class. There was this girl, she was really shy, even more than you when we met for the first time. After a while, she made a friend, I was really pleased about it. They became inseparable for an entire year. When winter break was coming, the girl’s friend came to me to tell me she was really upset, the poor baby was crying and everything. The shy girl, her friend, didn’t talk to her the entire week. She trying to approach her, but the girl would ignore her at all costs and that was making her really mad about it. It’s normal to be mad, I said to her, because when you don’t know what’s going on you tend to assume bad things about the other person. After a while, we discovered she had a kidney transplant. We didn’t even know she was sick, she didn’t look sick. The thing is that the shy girl didn’t know if she would survive after the surgery and didn’t want her friend to be too sad if she didn’t make it, so she chose to cut ties earlier. What I’m trying to say is that, yes, you can be mad at people suddenly cutting you off their lives, but you also can’t tell what’s happening in their lives to make them act like that. Everybody has their struggles. The person, do they seem happy about the fact of not talking to you anymore?”_

“God, Mom, I-No, I think. I don’t know, I haven’t seen him in a while. He keeps avoiding me.”

_“I see. If you think he is still worth the trouble, maybe you should try showing him that you care about him, and he doesn’t need to push you away. I can’t imagine what he could be going through, but I can say that everybody needs to feel like they are needed in other people’s lives.”_

“Thanks, mom. It helped me.”

_“So, about Christmas break…”_

The man sighed. “I still don’t have a boyfriend. Or girlfriend.”

_“Great, I already have four blind dates on the plate for you.”_

“Actually, I’m seeing someone.”

The woman laughed. _“Bring them home or I’ll tell your sisters to set you up with someone. You know what that’s like.”_

A long stay in the deepest circle of hell. That’s what was like.

“You’re really gonna do me like this, mom? I’m your _only_ son, your youngest son.”

_“Stop being dramatic, more than 30 years with your father made me drama-proof. Take care, darling. Eat and sleep well despite being busy. And I hope things get better with your friend. Remember to be patient.”_

 

 

Silence. That’s not something you get for a long time in a dorm full of grad students, not every day. You see, the good thing about silence is to be able to focus on the things you want, but the bad thing about silence is being left alone with your thoughts. And Hyungwon’s thoughts weren’t amicable.

Alone in his room — it was a Friday night and Hyunwoo was being a normal college student by going out with his boyfriend; they invited him and even though there’d be other people with them, so Hyungwon wouldn’t be third-wheeling, the boy chose to decline. There were books to be read and essays to be written, after all.

Peeking at his phone, he looked for the time. _09:36pm_. Still a plenty of time to-

His heart almost escaped through his mouth when someone slammed a fist on his door; Hyungwon literally jumped out of his bed, books and almost everything else falling on the floor. _Jesus Christ._ The loud knocks kept coming, and even though that was scaring the living shit out of him, he thought it’d be the best to answer the fucking door. At least he could send the idiot banging on his door away.

“Hyungwooooooonie.”

A very familiar idiot, of course. The last of the idiots in his life that he needed right now. Hyungwon’s heartbeat kept the fast pace. “You’re drunk. Go to your room.”

The younger tried to close his door, but his friend used his strength to hold it open.

“Hoseok, let go.”

The other blinked slowly. “I came to see you.”

 _Breathe, Hyungwon. Breathe._ “Come back when you’re sober. You know-”

The man made his way inside Hyungwon’s room in a few seconds, which was _something_ considering the fact that he’s a clumsy lazy ass when in this state. _The night is going to be long._ Closing the door behind him, Hyungwon concluded it was for the best; he didn’t need people seeing the older making a scene in front of his room.

“I don’t remember-” Hoseok tried to say something when he bumped onto one of Hyunwoo’s shoes, almost falling if not for Hyungwon’s quick reflex of holding him.

“Sit the fuck down, Hoseok. You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“ _Now_ you care?” The way he started laughing did nothing but crush Hyungwon’s heart.

“Hoseok…”

“No” The man was shouting, much for the dislike of his anxiety. When he got up again, he no longer stumbled.  “Why, Hyungwon?” A step towards the younger. “What did I do wrong?” Another step.

_I don’t know. I wish I could tell._

Hoseok’s voice got louder. “Answer me! I need to know.”

“ _Please._ ” The raven-haired mumbled. “Stop shouting. I’m getting nervous.”

Another step in his direction, a longer one. The back of Hyungwon’s legs hit the wall.

“I’m sorry.” His voice returned to the usual tone. “I’m sorry, Hyungwon, whatever it is what I did and you don’t, you don’t speak with me anymore. I’m sorry.”

Hyungwon never wanted to die so badly in a long time. Looking at his friend, almost crying because he distanced himself from him, made him want to jump off the Han River bridge; his stupid mind couldn’t even come up with a good excuse for this self-sabotage.

“You didn’t do anything.” His breath was doing a terrible job of preventing him to choke on nothing. “I… I’m fucked up, I don’t know what’s wrong with me-”

“You’re not.” Hoseok sounded truly confident in his speech. And in other news, Hyungwon hadn’t notice that his friend was _that_ close to him; now that he did it was kinda hard to focus. “I don’t care, I mean, I don’t… What can I do to show that you can lean on me?”

His eyes were very distracting. Deep brown pools of longing and sorrow that made him calmer and more nervous at the same time, if that was possible. _I don’t deserve his efforts_. “I-I’m… I don’t know…”

“Listen to me.” When Hoseok grabbed his face with both of his hands, the reek of alcohol wasn’t the thing that concerned him; it was the way Hyungwon leaned down a bit to stay the same height as his friend that made his legs weak. “I’m not leaving you, understand? I’ll tell you that every day, if you need it.”

The way the words formed in his mouth was very interesting; the self-awareness that he was fully staring at the older made him back off a bit.

That and the fact the older started crying. On the bright side, that feeling of uneasiness that he felt disappeared, and Hyungwon was relieved.

“Please, don’t cry, I’m sorry.” His hands reached out to the ones in front of him, bringing the other closer. “Look at me. Please. I believe you.”

Hyungwon didn’t lie.

“Don’t cry because of this. I believe you.” His hands were now hugging the older’s waist, steadier than he’d imagine. “Shhh, it’s fine. It’s fine now.”

After a few seconds, Hoseok calmed down. When the blond looked up at him, the consciousness of the almost lack of space between them should’ve made the raven-haired jump out that situation. It really should. It’d have prevented this weird twist in his stomach.

A bit awkward, that’s it. That’s all it was.

Forcing his hands to go back to Hoseok’s, he led the boy towards his bed.

“Sit down. Drink this.” Hyungwon handed him a bottle of water he kept near his laptop, and the man didn’t offer resistance.

“Hyungwonnie” His voice was still a bit hoarse from all the crying, but had a happier tone. “You’re more handsome from this angle.”

The taller boy snorted. “You’re drunk.”

“And you’re beautiful.”

Hoseok seemed so certain about what he was talking that it scared him. Actually, that was what scared Hyungwon the most. That and another twist, more powerful, in his guts.

The short silence was broken by the younger that starting to gather his things on his bed and those that fell on the floor, giving space to Hoseok settle in.

“Sleep here today. I’m not climbing two floors with you drunk like this, you’re too heavy.”

“I’m fine” The one whined. “But I missed you, I’ll stay.”

Hyungwon should definitely go to a doctor to get his stomach checked, something was really wrong.

“I missed you too. I’m sorry.”

“Hyungwon.”

“Yes?”

“I told my mom I was seeing someone.”

_Calm the fuck down, stomach._

The raven haired cleared his throat. “Are you?”

“No.”

Another snort.

“She was bugging me to bring someone home to Christmas. Come with me.”

Hyungwon turned around so fast that he almost slipped and fell. “What?”

“You’ll be alone here. I don’t like it. Our friends will go home, and you’ll be alone. Pretend just for a while.”

He had to laugh. “You’re watching too many dramas. I won’t pretend to be your boyfriend.”

“Why _not_?” Hoseok probably didn’t realize he was being loud again.

“Because it’s weird, and I don’t do families. I don’t even remember the last time I saw Kihyun’s family.”

“Pleaaaaaaase Hyungwooooooonnie.”

“No.”

“My mom is an amazing cooker. You like good food.”

“That’s really low.”

“Pleaaaaaaaase.”

“Lay down and sleep, you’re drunk.”

“I still want you to come with me.”

The absurdity of his request stunned Hyungwon a bit. But that was ridiculous.

“No.”

“You’re mean, Hyungwonnie.”

The older sounded like a 5-year-old child, he couldn’t hold his laugh. “I already told you that.”

 

 

His blurred vision was the least of his problems. The harrowing pain in his head was going to be the death of him, Hoseok was sure. When his eyes could at least focus on what was in front of him, he tried to get up, but the arms around his biceps didn’t allow him to.

For a second, Hoseok panicked.  _I didn’t sleep with someone, right?_

Hyungwon tightened the hold in his arm, moving in his sleep, and the older was very close to crying.

“Hmmm” The younger murmured, burying his face in the pillow. “Five more minutes.”

 _When and how did I get here?_ The answer came in the form of the taste of the alcohol left in his mouth, and the still stinging pain that the hangover caused.

“Hoseok?”

He was a fucking silly man, he was more than sure. Looking down at the younger again, eyes half open, Hoseok wanted to cry because only that would express how much he had missed _this_. Him.

“Hey.”

“You’re dying, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

Hyungwon removed one of his hands from his arm to slap him in the neck.

“Ouch!”

“That hangover serves you right, idiot. Why the fuck did you drink so much?”

“When did I get here?”

“You don’t remember?” A surprised pause. “We talked… about stuff.”

A flood of memories came back and hit him like a strong wave. Calling his mother. Crying a bit. Going out to drink, coming back to the dorm. Going to Hyungwon’s. Talking with him. His hands on his waist. The fact that he almost considered kissing him when they got too close. Hyungwon saying he didn’t want to walk upstairs with him that drunk.

The fact that he almost considered kissing him when they got too close.

“We talked? I remember most of it now, I think. I remember until the part I started crying.”

“That’s very you. But there’s more.”

 _I didn’t say anything about_ that _, did I?_ “What?”

The other laughed. “You asked me to pretend to be your boyfriend and go with you to your family’s house for the Christmas break.”

“I did?”

“Yes.”

_Way to go, Drunk Hoseok, you fucking idiot._

“That’s true.”

The drunk version of him was still an idiot, but at least he did the hard job of asking Hyungwon the question that his sober version had been struggling to do.

“What?” The boy let go of his arm and sat up.

“Come with me. My parents are amazing and my sisters… well, they’re my sisters. Please, I don’t want any blind date, help me, you’re my only hope.”

“Stop hanging out with Changkyun. And no. I don’t do families.”

His last resort was not one Hoseok was proud of.

“If you don’t come with me, I’m not going home. I’ll stay here in the dorms with you.”

Hyungwon looked at him, through his messy bangs, horrified.

“You won’t.”

“Oh, I will.”

“You’re guilt tripping me into pretend to be your boyfriend for like, a weekend?”

“Yes. And it’s for a week.”

The younger’s laugh filled the room.

“You’re insane. I don’t even remember the last time I spent a week with a _family_.”

Getting off the bed with a bit of difficulty, Hoseok grabbed the water bottle on the table.

“We’re spending Christmas together in one way or another, Chae Hyungwon. Just let me know in advance what you chose. I’d rather be eating my mom’s food, if you ask me.”

“Don’t do this, please.”

The older bend down a bit and kissed him in the forehead. “See you later, Hyungwonnie.”

 

 

_“KIHYUN, YOO KIHYUN.”_

A fucking Saturday morning. That’s when, in all those years of friendship, Hyungwon decided to call him. His first reaction was sticking his arm over Changkyun to reach the bedside table and decline the incoming call, but he saw his friend’s name in the screen. Hyungwon was calling him. Someone must’ve died, or worse.

“WHAT?”

_“Don’t yell at me, I need you right now.”_

“It’s-” He pulled the phone down to check the time. “It’s fucking 8 in the morning. Someone better have died. And you’re actually calling me.” Kihyun yawned. “Wow.”

_“I will die if you don’t come here.”_

The brown-haired boy sat down on his bed. “Are you okay? Hyungwon, what is it?”

The younger was now shouting in the other end of the line. _“COME. HERE.”_

“Jesus, fuck, fine. I’ll there in 10.”

The call ended and that seemed to make Changkyun finally wake up. Kihyun was surprised he didn’t wake up with his shouts.

“Where are you going?” The boy barely opened his eyes.

“Hyungwon called me.”

“Like? A phone call?”

“Yeah. First time in history, gotta head there to see what’s happening.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

What a lovable dork.

“No, sleep more. I’ll be back later.”

“Okay, take care, I love you.”

Kihyun froze at the door, while he was putting his shoes on.

“You what?”

“I what?”

The older tried not to start yelling again. “What did you just say?”

“I said…” Changkyun seemed to struggle, so he sat down and looked up at his boyfriend. “I said to take care and that I love you. Why?”

“You... love... me?”

“Yes…? I said it yesterday. And a week ago. Why?”

“I… didn’t notice.”

There was a silence that wasn’t quite tense, but more like a question mark. Changkyun was fully awake now; Kihyun’s comforter on his shoulders, he walked towards his boyfriend.

“Don’t worry.” The younger grabbed his face and planted a kiss on his cheek. “You don’t need to say anything. I just like to remind you of that.”

Kihyun was still baffled. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”

“It’s fine.” His chuckle in his deep morning voice turned the shit out of the brown-haired man. He made a mental note to remember that. “Take care, I love you.”

“Thanks? I will…” _Smooth, Kihyun you stupid idiot._

Changkyun laughed again, coming back to the bed. “You’re welcome, babe.”

 

 

Yoo Kihyun was disgrace of a best friend, Hyungwon decided. He just sent a distress call to the older 15 minutes ago and the little shit still hadn’t showed up. What were best friends for if not to help in times of need? 3 consecutive knocks on his door made him fly towards it.

“Who killed my best friend and replaced him?” Kihyun stood there looking very pissed off, and cold. “My best friend doesn’t call me at fucking 8 in the morning. On a Saturday. Especially when I barely saw him in the past weeks.”

“Hoseok is emotionally blackmailing me into pretend to be his boyfriend and go with him to spend Christmas at his family’s house.”

“WHAT?”

His bedroom was going to, undoubtedly, become known in the dorm building as the one where scenes were made.

“Get the fuck in, Jesus Christ.”

“Explain.”

How the hell would Hyungwon explain how they got there? One moment the man was crying on him and the other was spilling bullshit like, saying that Hyungwon was beautiful. What a prick.

“Where’s Hyunwoo hyung, by the way?”

“Minhyuk. Now back to me.” Hyungwon went back to his bed, grabbing his pillow tightly against his chest. Kihyun sat on the wood chair near the table. “Hoseok slept here last night. He showed up drunk and we talked about why I was distant, I apologized and he cried, of course he cried because that’s what Hoseok does. Then he started talking some nonsense about how he told his mother he was seeing someone to avoid being set up on a blind date by his mother? Then he said he wanted me to go with him because I’ll be left alone here and you guys are all leaving. I thought he was fucking with me, but when he woke up this morning and I asked if he remembered asking me to pretend to be his boyfriend and he said he didn’t-”

“He didn’t?”

“Let me fucking finish. He said he didn’t, but that it was true he wanted me to come with him.”

“When did the blackmail started?” Kihyun questioned.

“I said no because it’s fucking ridiculous to even consider something like this, but then he said if I didn’t accept, he wouldn’t go home for Christmas and stay here. Now, how can I have peace knowing he’s away from his family because of me? Help me, Kihyun, you’re my only hope.”

His best friend frowned, looking puzzled. “I just remembered that, before I left my room, Changkyun said he loved me.”

Hyungwon didn’t understand the commotion. “And?”

“He said he told me he loved me before, and I didn’t notice.”

What a fucking idiot. “I was there, a week ago, when he shouted in the middle of the cafeteria that he loved you when you bought him coffee. How the hell didn’t you notice this?”

“I didn't think he was being serious!” The older man was more defensive than he needed to be. “Then I was putting my shoes on to come here and he said ‘Take care, I love you’ and I lost my shit and said ‘thanks’.”

“You two are disgustingly in love, stop being a twat and say it back. Now back to me, the person in real distress.”

“Why don’t you just go with Hoseok?”

Hyungwon had to scoff.

“Are you out of your mind? I don’t do families, you know that.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Hyungwon.” Kihyun got up and sat on the bed beside him. “It’s time for you to get past that. It will be good for you. I don’t like you being alone here, too.”

“Didn’t you also hear the part where I said he wants me to pretend to be his boyfriend?”

“So what? You two are together all the time. You’d just have to lie and say you two are dating. Both of you already act like it.”

Everybody lost their damn minds that morning, the taller decided. Mass hysteria or some shit, for sure.

“We do not.”

Kihyun let out a loud laugh. “Maybe. But you could pass as a couple if you said to someone you two are dating.”

“You’re insane, Kihyun. And you’re useless right now, go away.”

“I can’t believe you called me on the fucking phone because of Hoseok hyung. That, for sure, adds up to your denial.”

The brown-haired barely managed to dodge the water bottle thrown at him by his best friend, and still laughed while leaving the room. The disrespect. _Why these things happen to me?_ Why the universe seemed to be on a mission to make his life difficult? The plans for the end of the year were already sleeping during the entire period, but now he had to deal with Hoseok’s shit. Hyungwon wanted to cry. And smash Hoseok’s head into a volcano.

 

 

_Kihyun created a new group chat_

_Kihyun added Puppy, Bear hyung, Maknae, Gun(ned) and Honeybee_

_Kihyun changed his nickname to “Overlord”_

_Overlord changed the group’s name to: WONSEOK IS REAL_

_[08:20 am]_

**Gun(ned)** : BITCH WHAT

 

 

“I’M FUCKED.”

“Good morning to you too, hyung.”

Hoseok had, indeed, fucked up. He knew the moment he decided to guilt trip Hyungwon into pretending to be his boyfriend; Hoseok knew the younger would feel bad if he had to stay in the dorms because of him. These were actions of a desperate man, if he had to defend himself. Not that anyone was accusing him of shit. Yet. He needed someone to tell him things I’d be fine, someone that would make things fine again. There wasn't anyone like that available, so his best friend was the chosen one.

20 minutes after he called Minhyuk, the dark-blue haired showed up at his door smiling too much for someone awake at 8 am of a Saturday.

“Gun is still sleeping, tone it down.”

“Sure. Now, why are you fucked? The options of ‘What Are The Things That Hoseok Could Fuck up’ are immense.”

“Thank you, Minhyuk, that’s very heart-warming.”

His friend snorted, sitting on his bed. “Sorry, go on.”

“I asked Hyungwon to come to my parent’s house for Christmas and pretend that he’s my boyfriend.”

“YOU WHAT?”

Hoseok eyed his roommate, and the boy still looked dead to the world. “Shhh, tone it down.”

“Sorry. But that’s just the best thing that happened in my life besides Hyunwoo.”

Why was Minhyuk his best friend, by the way? Hoseok couldn’t remember.

“I’m glad that my doom is funny to you.”

“It’s not funny, hyung. I said it’s the best thing because you’re finally making a move on your big ass crush.”

_“What?”_

“Oh, hyung, don’t give me that look. I knew it even before I met Hyungwon. You talked about him for days and days after you met him for the first time. I love you very much, but I was getting fed up.”

“I-I don’t have a crush on Hyungwon.” _Yes, Hoseok, keep denying. Maybe it’ll become reality._

Minhyuk was impassive. “Yes, you do. It’s been almost a year of this mutual pining, we’re getting tired of it. Yes, everybody knows, except Hyungwon. Because he’s smart as hell, but dumb as fuck when it comes to his feelings. Also, thanks for the drama cliché in our lives, we’re gonna pop the biggest bottles.”

Hoseok buried his head under his pillow and waited for death to fetch him, it’d be the best. He realized he forgot to tell the last part of the story.

“I told him if he said no, I wouldn’t go home for the Christmas break. Why am I like this?”

“Because you’re in love with him and you’re emotionally incompetent.”

“I almost kissed him yesterday.”

“YOU WHAT?”

“Jesus Christ, Minhyuk, you’re gonna wake up the entire building.”

The younger cleared his throat and sat down by Hoseok’s bed. “Sorry. But please, elaborate.”

Sitting up and letting the biggest sigh of his life escape, the blond explained. “We were talking about him trying to push me, all of us, away and I end up crying and we got really close and holy shit, he was so close and-”

Hoseok gave up trying to make Minhyuk stop screaming. “THIS IS THE SECOND BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. Sorry, please, continue.”

“I was hammered, but I really wanted to kiss him at that moment. I never wanted to kiss one of you guys not even when I was drunk, so I thought it was pretty uncommon.”

“Do you still want to kiss him?

“Yes.” _Fuck._ He didn’t really think before answering that. _I’m so fucked._

“Then do something about it. Use this fake dating thing to smooch him.”

“Don’t ever say the word ‘smooch’ again, please.”

 

 

_WONSEOK IS REAL_

_[08:48 am]_

**Gun(ned)** : I’M CRYING IN THE CLUB RN

 **Gun(ned)** : HOSEOK JUST ADMITTED THAT HE LIKES HYUNGWON

 **Bear hyung** : i’m crying too

 **Honeybee** : HOW THE HELL do you know that

 **Honeybee** : and who tf creates a gc at 8am

 **Gun(ned)** : minhyuk is here rn and they’re talking

 **Gun(ned)** : im all covered they think im sleeping lmao

 **Gun(ned)** : he asked hyungwon to pretend to be his boyfriend

 **Honeybee** : WHAT

 **Gun(ned)** : I KNO

 **Overlord:** HO I LEFT HYUNGWON’S ROOM 20 MIN AGO

 **Overlord:** HOW TF DID THIS HAPPEN

_Gun(ned) changed his nickname to “Agent Gun”_

**Agent Gun** : lmao hyung is dying and bc of that he called @Puppy to help him but minhyuk happily screamed three times

 **Agent Gun:** hyung also said he almost kissed hyungwon yesterday when he was drunk af

 **Overlord:** BITCH TF IM SCREAMING I DIDNT KNOW THAT

 **Bear hyung** : is minhyuk still on the room

 **Agent Gun** : he left rn i think

 **Puppy** : what’s this lemme read

 **Puppy** : YALL DAMN RIGHT WONSEOK IS REAL

 **Maknae** : i was going to say fuck u to yall for waking me up with all those notifs but then i saw the topic and

 **Maknae** : i gotta say

 **Maknae** : I DID MY WAITING

 **Agent Gun** : 12 years……..

 **Overlord** : do not

 **Maknae** : but lmao whats this fake date thing

 **Maknae** : i feel like i’m on a western heterosexual movie

 **Bear hyung** : excuse me but with the authority of being the oldest gay

 **Bear hyung** : gotta say that pretending to date is a very gay trope it’s how people who don’t know they’re gay discover they are indeed

 **Bear hyung** : gay as fuck

 **Maknae** : i take it back

 **Maknae** : but EXPLAIN @Overlord @AgentGun

 **Overlord** : hyungwon told me hyung blackmailed him into pretending being his bf saying he wouldn’t go home if hyungwon said no

 **Overlord** : so its 80% certain that hes gonna

 **Honeybee** : i cant believe im happy to be awake rn

 **Puppy** : hoseok is dying jkdsfhksdhsjkhndjl at least he finally confessed

 **Puppy** : im gonna die if i dont get the #updates from the holiday break

 **Agent Gun** : ME TOO TF

 **Puppy** : @Overlord keep bugging hyungwonnie and ill do the same with hoseok

 **Maknae** : thank you white jesus that was born in december for this gay shit to happen

 **Honeybee** : why are you like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how tf yall write text fics this is hard  
> i thought this was the best way to make things more dynamic but damn this is troublesome
> 
> the next chapter is gonna be the longest?? bc its the GOOD SHIT happening  
> prepare ur asses for next week  
> see ya


	7. Tell Me Things That Didn’t Exist In The World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi kids  
> this is almost a 16k chapter. don't ask me.  
> grab a snack bc [mark lee's voice] its a long ass ride

Hell is other people; Sartre was goddamn right the entire time. After this, Hyungwon would make sure to move to a very lonely cabin in the woods, only hearing the nature for the rest of his miserable life. No people, no shopping malls, no stupid friends.

But for now, he was still in hell.

“Do you have any idea of what you want to buy?” Kihyun wandered around the store grabbing different piece of clothes and shoes, examining and making a face that indicated he was judging the thing. If he frowned, he liked it. Hyungwon didn’t understand this pattern either.

“Gifts.”

At some point, he was going to kill Hoseok, he had no doubt. It could be tomorrow, it could be one year from the day he’s currently in, but he definitely was going to kill that idiot made of muscles. Hyungwon made it very clear that he was being coerced to comply, and that he’d complain about this for the rest of their lives. The raven-haired wanted to cry just thinking that he’d have to interact with strangers, _people_ , all the time for seven fucking days. He was going to kill Hoseok once they returned to the dorms after the Christmas break, Hyungwon decided.

Of course, he wasn’t about to be rude to Hoseok’s family that; by the pictures the older showed him, they seemed to be very nice people. He’d save all his disrespect for the red-haired and only him; Hoseok would regret the day he decided to emotionally blackmail him into socializing.

“His sisters are older than him, one of them is married. I don’t know what they would like, and you know everything.”

“That’s true.”

“So please, help me out. I’ll buy you anything you want.”

Kihyun perked up so fast that could have scared anyone that didn’t know him. He saw this scene too many times to be impressed.

“Anything?”

The taller nodded, impatiently crossing his arms.

“Okay. If you don’t know the person you’re trying to gift, the best option is to give things that shine. Everybody loves things that shine. Buy that.” Kihyun pointed at the bracelets displayed in a glass counter.

“There’s a lot of options, Ki.”

“Buy the gold ones. Almost impossible to make a mistake with that. And buy the same bracelet. Siblings are the worst when it comes to presents.”

“What about his mother?”

“Hmm…” The brown haired paced around the counter for a bit, hand on his chin. “That necklace. The round one with a ruby stone. It’s simple, but classy. And for hyung’s dad, a nice wristwatch will do.”

Approving his friend’s suggestions, the taller ordered the products at the counter and payed for them. With a heavy sigh, Hyungwon turned around to see his best friend holding three identical coats, but with different colors. The man’s smile was from ear to ear.

“That’s the same… You know what? Fuck it. Let’s go pay for this and get out of here.”

Hoseok had a nephew, son of his only married sister. The boy was really cute by the pictures the older man showed him, and Hyungwon had a weak spot for children, even though kids didn’t quite like him. Passing by a toy store, he eyed a medium-sized Snorlax plushie and couldn’t resist. He hoped the little boy was a fan of Pokemóns, but with his crappy luck, everything was possible. At least he tried.

After leaving the mall, Kihyun and him headed to meet the others at Starbucks, because that was the day that his best friend and Minhyuk were going to fulfil his duties as parents. Hyungwon couldn’t wait for the bullshit. At least he could order something to drink while watching the mayhem.

Gun and Changkyun were the only ones that weren’t there when Kihyun and Hyungwon entered the shop. The raven-haired boy spotted Minhyuk clutched to his roommate’s arm as usual, with Jooheon by their side distracted by his phone. And then there was Hoseok. The absolute asshole. The most insolent person he’d ever met. The man who made him choke on fucking nothing in the middle of Starbucks. Because his hair was fucking red. Cherry red. 

Hyungwon almost dropped the things he bought earlier and if Kihyun noticed something, he didn’t mention it. _Jesus, keep it cool._

“Wonnie! Kihyunnie!”

All his friends had given up on the task of making Minhyuk speak a little lower when he got excited, which he was about most of the things.

Kihyun moved to sit in front of the dark-blue haired boy. “Puppy, he is coming, right? My schedule is getting tighter, it has to be today.”

“Yep, he just texted Jooheonnie saying he’ll be here in 10.”

“Well…” Hyungwon fake coughed, putting the bags on the table. “I’ll order something.”

With an Americano in hand, the taller made his way back to his friends table to find Hoseok inspect the belongs he had left behind.

“Holy shit, Hyungwon.” The older seemed more dazed than he needed to be, and Hyungwon motioned for him to give space for him to sit. “How much did this cost?”

“A few millions of won. Why?”

Minhyuk stretched his arm over the table and grabbed one of his purchases. He looked up at Hyungwon with the same expression the (now) red-haired man had. “This a real ruby?” 

Hyungwon forgot that people that weren’t Kihyun usually asked these kinds of questions.

He took a sip of his coffee before responding. “Yes.”

“You guys do know that Hyungwon is rich, right?” Kihyun mediated, sat by Hoseok’s right side, with the most casual expression on his face.

“I’m not rich. My parents are. I might as well spend their money if they don’t have anything else to offer me.”

“I didn’t… know?” Hoseok frowned, and it was almost cute.

“Come on, guys, I bought the newest iPhone to Kihyun for his birthday, last week.”

“I’m convinced of that.” Hoseok spoke, putting the gifts inside the bags again. “You didn’t need to-”

“I do whatever the fuck I want with my money, Hoseok. And what’s this?” Hyungwon ran a few of his fingers quickly through his friend’s bangs.

The other pushed his head back up before answering. “I-I thought it’d be… nice? Minhyuk, well, Minhyuk did my hair. You like it?”

 _God._ Hyungwon did. Too much for his own good, by the way.

“It’s fine. At least now you can mingle with the Christmas decoration.”

The loud chuckle the older let out made him a little dizzy and his stomach was acting up again; his stupid mouth couldn’t even refrain itself from smiling a bit. Hyungwon definitely had a medical condition that needed to be checked and treated.

“Kyunnie! Gun!”

Minhyuk’s shouts brought their attention to the rappers walking in their direction, both wearing thick coats and scarfs. The adventure of walking in the streets of Seoul while it was -10ºc was, for Hyungwon, an out-of-body experience. Poor boys.

“Y’all know I love these gatherings, but why the fu-”

Kihyun glared at his boyfriend with an intensity that could kill someone. “Changkyun.”

“Sorry. Why _on earth_ we are here in a Thursday evening?”

“Kihyun and I need to talk with Gunhee.”

Hoseok’s roommate seemed to finally to realize his surroundings when Minhyuk mentioned him, and scanner the room to see Jooheon smiling at him. They were way too much endearing.

“Sure.” The boy cleared his throat, and Hyungwon was starting to get entertained. “What’s up?”

Minhyuk kept talking. “What are your intentions with my son, Lee Jooheon?”

Gun almost slipped off his seat to hit the floor. “Your _what_?”

“You see, Gun…” Hyunwoo tried to explain in the less insane way possible. “Jooheon has 2 very passionate, 24-years old, fathers. Don’t ask why or how, I also don’t know, I just go with it. They care a lot about Jooheon.”

“What do you mean what are my intentions?” The boy turned to face Kihyun and Minhyuk at the same time. “We’ve been dating for almost a month.”

“We WHAT?” Jooheon choked on his chicken sandwich, not really the best timing.

“What do you mean?” Facing the silver-haired boy at the other end of the table, Gun seemed displeasure. “We had dates, I brought you to have lunch at my mom’s restaurant, we kiss all the time. What do you think we were doing?”

With a snort, Changkyun meddled in the conversation. “That’s TMI, hyung.”

Which earned the youngest a punch of the arm, courtesy of his boyfriend.

Jooheon was still recovering of almost dying right there at Starbucks. “I don’t… know?”

Hoseok let a laugh so loud that people glared at them for a few seconds, burying his head on the raven-haired shoulder. That was nicer than it should be.

“Jooheon.”

“I’m fine.” The rapper drank some of his coffee to be able to speak properly.

“Do you want to be my boyfriend? I mean, you already are, but do you want to keep being my boyfriend?”

Jooheon stared at his sandwich and at Gun, back and forth a couple times. The rest of them were observing the development of such scene. Why all of them were always so dramatic? A question yet to be answered by science.

His answer came in a mumble. “Yes.”

Gun smiled, probably the widest one Hyungwon had ever seen him display. “Good. Now.” He turned back to Minhyuk and Kihyun, that watched the talk with a mixture of amusement and bewilderment. “My intentions are to keep dating him for as long as he’ll have me. I don’t see myself with anyone else, and I don’t plan to date anyone else that isn’t Jooheon.”

 

 

It was true. Before Jooheon showed up in his life with his adorable dimples and spitting-fire mouth, Gun didn’t give a flying fuck about relationships. They demanded too much of a person, and it was either time or money. He’d dated before; a girl in high school and a guy when he first entered college two years ago. Thinking about it, years later, Gun concluded he dated them more out of convenience than because of actual feelings.

Jooheon was completely different phenomenon. Seeing him for the first time was like getting the last piece of a puzzle you’ve been trying to put together for a while, but it wasn’t anywhere to be found. Every time he saw the younger, Gun had a feeling of certainty and invincibility; it was a bit silly, but things always seemed simpler when he had the younger around.

His parents weren’t the epitome of romance, to be honest. He didn’t grow up idealizing that one day he’d settle in with someone and they’d live happily ever after. Gun didn’t have the luxury to dream about those things when he had to help his mother at her restaurant right after school; his father was a goner and he couldn’t even feel a bit sad about that. For a while, he thought something was wrong with him. One should feel something towards their father, right? Gun stopped caring. His mother worked so hard to keep a roof over their heads and food on their table; it wasn’t fair to care about someone that willingly abandoned them.

Music was something stable, probably the only thing that had even been unchanging in his life. There was a feeling of coming home, of belong to some place even though it wasn’t a physical one. Also, it was only thing he’d ever thought about do when they started asking him what he wanted to pursue in college. Since his teenage years, he had been producing more music than he could keep track of, but Gun was apprehensive about going to the university. It wouldn’t be easy for his mother or him, and the last thing Gun wanted was his mother sacrificing more things for him. He’d make sure to be successful and give her a relaxed life for as long as she stayed alive.

“Which one of them do you think is more likely to kill me?” He whispered to his roommate, now beside him because Gun traded places with Kihyun, to sit beside Jooheon.

“Hmm…” With a hand on his chin, his hyung pondered. “Minhyuk. He seems very harmless, but he’d bit your arm off if you messed with him.”

“Jesus, hyung.”

“But I’d be more afraid of Hyungwon if I were you, though.” Hoseok side-eyed the man beside him. “He’d cut you in 20 different parts and they’d never find your body. He loves him the most.”

“Watch out, Song.” The raven-haired boy lifted his head and pointed at him.

Gunhee faked a gasp. “I’m your friend, too, you know.”

“Yeah.” The taller laughed. “But I’d sell all of you to Satan for a corn chip if Jooheon asked to eat one.”

 

 

Sometimes, it was impossible to find a good spot to park his car in the university. People in that hell hole have no sense of community, besides being the worst drivers Hyungwon had ever seen in his life. That’s why, a lot of times, he preferred to walk or take a bus. However, at that time he should’ve known he’d regret his choice.

Cold is not his thing. He’s skinny and tall, so to get his body warm was a task that took time. And Hyungwon is lazy as fuck. Walking back to the dorms was proving to be a pain in the ass, but at least he wasn’t suffering alone. At least, he thought.

“How the fuck all of you aren’t fucking freezing?”

Gunhee, Hoseok and Kihyun looked back at him almost laughing.

“Because we’re not using just a coat and jeans, Hyungwon.” Kihyun clarified.

Hoseok changed places to walk beside him. “Come here.”

Watching the older take off his own scarf, in the middle of the street, the raven-haired felt a sharp pang on his chest. Hoseok’s hands, covered with gloves, still had a magnetic effect over his skin. He tried his best not to look down at his friend during this process, but he was like a sun, pulling everything towards it’s gravitational field; there was no escape, not even for Hyungwon. Releasing a heavy breath, his friend finally raised his head to look at him. He smiled.

“Can’t have you getting sick before Christmas.” The absolute prick.

“I hope you die choking on your own blood, Hoseok.”

A loud giggle. Kihyun and Gunhee had joined the red-haired man, and all Hyungwon could do was scoff and walk faster than them. Their teasing continued in voices now lost in the long distance between them, and Hyungwon was truly speeding his walk to get away. He’d definitely murder Hoseok after Christmas break.

 

 

_WONSEOK IS REAL_

_[10:24 pm]_

**Overlord** : LMAO Hyungwon almost fainted when he saw hyung’s new hair color earlier

 **Agent Gun** : i wish i had seen that

 **Agent Gun** : but at least i got see him getting flustered a while ago

 **Honeybee** : SPILL

 **Overlord** : Hyungwon was complaining about the cold so hyung took his scarf off and put it on him

 **Agent Gun** : SLOWLY

 **Bear hyung** : boy what is subtleness…………

 **Puppy** : wHAT DID HYUNGWON DO

 **Agent Gun** : hyung teased him saying he couldn’t get sick before christmas

 **Agent Gun** : so he left us behind

 **Bear hyung:** Do you think he’s upset?

 **Overlord** : nah

 **Overlord** : he’s just being a dramatic lil bitch

 **Puppy** : im having the time of my life

 **Puppy** : ill buy a big ass ice sculpture of a heart for their wedding

 **Maknae** : hyung sure does have plans of the future in his hands

 **Puppy** : im a bit psychic, kyunnie, i just KNOW

 **Agent Gun** : why can i have normal friends

 **Puppy** : this is no way to speak with your father-in-law, song gunhee

 **Honeybee** : for fuck’s sake

 

 

If one day, by any chance, Jooheon didn’t die by natural causes, he was sure that Changkyun was going to be the death of him, there wasn’t a single doubt in his mind. Don’t get him wrong, he loved that little shit with all his heart, but Changkyun had the tendency of dragging him into shitty situations. He should’ve known when he first met the boy near the school bleachers, trying to get his arm broken by sticking it into storm drain, because he swore he saw a ₩ 50.000 bill in there.

The love for music was what really brought them together back then, and it’s what fuels their friendship now they’re grownups. That and the other friends they’ve made in college, one of them which led to him. The boy he’d been eyeing for almost a year.

His heart was weak, very weak. It was common for him to be infatuated. he’d get a crush at least 5 times a week. What could he do if there were cute boys everywhere? Please, understand his struggle.

Gunhee was different, though. The first time he saw the man was outside of the music building talking with someone, and being the sexiest motherfucker alive in a leather jacket. _When did I become so gay?_ That was the moment he knew he was doomed.

The problem is that, sure, he knows and talks with a lot of people in a daily basis, but when it came to talk to boys he liked, he was fucking hopeless. Jooheon was determined to get over that stupid crush, and things would’ve worked out (It wouldn’t) if he hadn’t met the older boys. On one occasion, Hoseok mentioned the fact that his roommate, Gunhee, Song Gunhee, The Song Gunhee, was the heaviest sleeper of all time; the apocalypse could be happening and they boy would’ve sleep through it.

The first time he spoke with Gun was probably the most awkward moment of his life, and he was friends with Changkyun. He hadn’t even the chance to reply what the older had said. _“_ _So you’re really cool…”_ was the only thing Jooheon managed to hear and his heart stopped for a solid second, honest to Christ. He knew there was no turning back from this.

“Changkyun, this is how I die.”

They were at the small backstage from the pub they just had performed at, and Jooheon was panicking a little bit.

“You can’t.” The younger stopped pacing around to give him a serious look. “We promised we’d die together of old age; you’d die first then a minute later I’d follow you.”

The silver-haired rapper sighed. “Why are you like this.”

“It’s because your crush is here?” Jooheon’s eyes widened, and he looked like a scared cub. “Bro, how many times do I have to say that he likes you too? When have I been wrong? It’s rhetorical, don’t mind.”

For his own surprise, the little shit was right. An early Christmas miracle happened that night and his brain worked so well in not embarrassing him; Jooheon even flirted with Gunhee; probably because of the adrenaline running through his veins that night.

Almost two months later, Jooheon still didn’t know what they were. Sure, Gun seemed to like him a lot, and he liked the boy too, but they never talked about labeling their relationship. That’s why he choked on his own sandwich at Starbucks when he heard the older rapper calling him his _boyfriend_. To how many people he had said that besides their friends and Jooheon wasn’t aware of? That made him a little nervous, but more at ease.

Kihyun and Minhyuk were just overprotective, and sometimes a bit ridiculous, but Jooheon didn’t complain about them because that was, well, them being themselves. No one was quite normal in their friendship circle, and he didn’t know if he was lucky he was never bored or condemned to a life with these troublemakers.

“Hyung, bear with me.” Changkyun was exhilarated, and that time he couldn’t blame the maknae.

Hyungwon turned around to face the youngest, each leg in one side of the bench. “I barely bear to live with you around, but sure.”

“Have you guys heard of Hamilton?”

Jooheon did. Actually, his best friend spent the entire night awake listening to it and when the silver-haired boy woke up, he had to hear all about the musical.

“It’s an American musical based on the life of one of the Founding Fathers of America, Alexander Hamilton, a guy with no chill if you wanna know. It’s fucking amazing, it has a lot of parts with rap, and the cast is mainly composed of people of color, so it’s kinda of retelling the history through music and it’s kinda like taking the history from the hands of the whites, that practically did everything back then? Have I said it’s fucking amazing?”

Hyunwoo was the first to speak after all the blabbering. “You need to sleep, Changkyun.”

The maknae quickly looked at Minhyuk’s boyfriend, turning back to catch his phone on his backpack. “Later, hyung. Look, I found us in here.”

“You found us where?” Hyungwon asked, pretty unimpressed.

“In the play, hyung! Here, you’re Eliza Schuyler, Hyungwon. Hamilton’s wife.”

“Why…” The taller exhaled deeply and looked at maknae. Changkyun managed to get on his nerves so easily that it was impossible not to laugh. “Go on.”

“That’s because you’re pretty and looks like someone rich as fuck. I’m Hamilton because I never shut up about… everything, and because I’ll probably end up dead because of my big mouth. Gunhee is Angelica Schuyler, one of the Schuyler sisters, because he’s never satisfied with shit. There’s Peggy too but she barely appears, so let’s move on.”

The oldest rapper chuckled at Changkyun. “I wish I could debunk what you said.”

Settling his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder, Jooheon fueled the boy’s topic. Gunhee smelled so nice, as always. “Didn’t Angelica have a crush on Hamilton?”

“Yes, but she stepped out when she realized her sister had the hots for Hamilton.”

Closing his eyes, he felt Gun’s voice resonate through his vocal cords. “But the man did cheat on his wife later.”

The raven-haired hyung faked a gasp, with a hand on his chest. “I can’t believe you cheated on me, Changkyun. Kihyun, did you know about this? Your boyfriend cheated on me.”

Hoseok almost fell off the bench he was sitting, beside Hyungwon, because he laughed too hard for his own good. The others followed his chuckling.

“Ki is John Laurens, Hamilton’s friend and the one he was hella gay for.”

“You’re saying that because he’s your boyfriend?” The dark-blue haired arrived barely knowing what they were talking about, but somehow he always knew everything. Jooheon wasn’t the one to question his modus operandi.

“Of course. I’m hella gay for Kihyun.”

It was Hyunwoo’s time to laugh. “We know, Kyun, he’s your boyfriend.”

“Hyunwoo hyung, you’re General Washington, leader of the American revolution and that was a father figure to Hamilton. You’re the coolest dad.”

“Oh honey” Minhyuk bent his torso a bit to steal Hoseok’s chips. “I already have a son, and if hyung is having a son, he gotta be mine too. Can’t Jooheon be Hamilton?”

The way the man said that was so calm and serious that he probably didn’t even realized how funny it was.

“I’ll pretend I’m not hurt and move on.” Jooheon and his hyungs almost didn’t hold a cackle. “Joohoney, my second man… is Mulligan, the tailor’s apprentice. You’re manly and shit, your voice is also deep. No one that peeked at you would guess that you’re goddamn wimp.”

The little shit.

“Stop exposing me, boy.”

Minhyuk smiled at him. “It’s not exposing if we already know that, Jooheon.”

Feeling the way Gun’s body completely shook when he burst into laughter made him so serene that Jooheon wanted to stop time at that moment; he didn’t need anything else to happen in the world. Just being there with Gun and his brothers was enough; they were all happy, it was more than enough.

“Hoseok hyung is Lafayette, the third member of Hamilton’s squad, bless his soul. He’s one of the fastest rappers in the musical, be flattered, hyung. He was a French spy and you speak French, so you get to be him. Don’t worry, hyung, it’s us immigrants that get the job done.”

The red-haired stared at the maknae with a fondness, always pleased by his antics. “Thanks, Changkyunnie.”

“What’s the fucking point of all this?”

Hoseok glared at his unspoken crush. “Hyungwon.”

“Sorry. I mean, why are you saying we’re these characters?”

“Because you guys need to listen to it! It’s only 46 songs! You’ll see I’m right!”

Gun wrapped an arm around him, pulling him up. To be honest, Jooheon wanted to sleep. “But there’s more characters in the musical, Kyun.”

“Well, we’re only 8, gotta keep it short. I think I’ll talk with Seungcheol hyung about this though, he must have listened to it.”

“That man dating Jeonghan?” Kihyun questioned his boyfriend.

"Yeah, babe. He writes a lot of good songs with that friend of yours, Jihoon.”

Gun raised his voice a bit to give his input. “They’re friends with Mingyu, right? We should set him up with Hyungwon, they’re both handsome as fuck.”

Jooheon raised his head a bit to give his boyfriend a look that said _“Really, Song Gunhee?”_ , but the man had a smug smile on his face and the silver-haired realized what he was doing.

The others that weren’t Hyungwon and Hoseok also seemed to catch the idea. Kihyun moved a bit to face his best friend. “Sure, why not? Hyungwon has been single since birth, he needs to get-”

Hyungwon tried to slap his friend, but failed due distance. “Shut up, Kihyun. I don’t need a boyfriend.”

“Sure you do!” Minhyuk yelled. “Mingyu is really nice too, and he likes to read a lot like you!”

The silver-haired rapper had to control himself to not chuckle at the sight of Hoseok giving his best friend a death glare. What a couple of unmindful dumbasses.

Hyungwon sighed for the 6th time that day. “Minhyuk, dear, I’m sure he’s very nice, but I’d like to not die. And yes, I’m surprised by that too.”

“What do you mean?” Kihyun questioned.

“Jesus Christ. He has been dating Seungkwan for MONTHS, you didn’t know? I saw them making out in the goddamn libray.” He pointed at the brown-haired man. “I thought you were close to Jihoon.”

“That little asshole didn’t fucking tell me, I can’t believe.”

“Yeah, so I don’t want to be murdered by Seungkwan, I’ll stay in my lane.”

“Hoseok hyung…” Changkyun whined, and the man still looked bothered by the previous topic, judging by his stern face. “You’ll come to sing my song tomorrow, right? You promised me.”

“I didn’t promise anything.” His voice sounded harsher than he possibly intended. “Sorry Kyun, sure I’ll go. Send me the song so I can get used to it, right?”

“You’re the third person I love the most in the world.”

 

 

_WONSEOK IS REAL_

_[16:54 pm]_

**Overlord** : Gunhee you magnificent son of a bitch

 **Agent Gun** : thanks hyung

 **Puppy** : yall saw hoseok’s face amirite

 **Puppy** : i never struggled so much to hold a laugh

 **Honeybee** : lmao me too

 **Agent Gun** : guys

 **Agent Gun** : LOOK at this

_Agent Gun sent a screenshot._

**Overlord** : IM HOLLERING HOSEOK IS GONNA CRUSH UR HEAD IN THE WALL WITH ONE HAND

 **Overlord** : thank u for your service to this ship

 **Puppy** : he’s mad?? as fuck?? cant believe he actually wrote “HOW DARE YOU SONG GUNHEE, BETRAYER OF THE CENTURY”

 **Bear hyung** : a true friend stabs in the front

 **Agent Gun** : i aint coming back to my room today

 **Agent Gun** : baby…

 **Honeybee** : come over, idiot

 **Agent Gun** : [heart eyes emoji]

 **Puppy** : excuse me this is a wonseok gc not a joogun gc

 **Agent Gun** : sorry i needed to save my ass

 **Overlord** : im w/ hyungwon and hoseok rn at hyungwon’s room and i suggested that maybe hyungwon could date Jisoo and

 **Overlord** : istg which art in heaven

 **Overlord** : hyung almost smashed one of hyungwon’s books in his hands

 **Puppy** : I CANT BREATHE I LOVE U SO MUCH KI

 **Agent Gun** : which jisoo

 **Overlord** : Hong Jisoo

 **Puppy** : the one with kitten eyes

 **Puppy** : he’s cute

 **Puppy** : but wonseok 4 life

 **Agent Gun** : same

 **Overlord** : hyungwon just told me to fuck off and stop trying to set him up w/ someone

 **Overlord** : hyung relaxed i think

 **Bear hyung** : pics or it didnt happen

 **Overlord** :

**Agent Gun** : HYOURE SHTING ME RN

 **Agent Gun** : LOOK AT THEM

 **Honeybee** : Gun just started crying, don’t mind him

 **Puppy** : LOOK AT THESE PRECIOUS LIL BEANS WHO ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER

 **Maknae** : I CANT BELIEVE IM RECEVEING #WONSEOKCONTENT I FEEL BLESSED THANK YOU MY LOVE

 **Overlord** : yall welcome

 **Bear hyung** : look at hoseok go he looks so happy

 **Puppy** : I KNOW

 **Agent Gun** : i feel a bit threatened tho

 **Bear hyung** : tf

 **Agent Gun** : they’re too good looking

 **Agent Gun** : when they become a couple they will be too powerful

 **Bear hyung** : go feed your internet cats boy

 

 

It wasn’t on his plans to go to the music building that Friday, but apparently a lot of things these days weren’t, so one more wouldn’t kill him. Maybe. All his friends were already there when Hyungwon arrived, four layers of clothes on his body. His face was barely visible.

“Fuck’s sake, finally!” Changkyun screamed from the little booth in the studio Hoseok would sing.

“Be happy I showed up, midget.”

His red-haired friend seemed nervous. Hyungwon heard him sing once, under influence of a bit of alcohol, and the older had a really nice voice. As if he hadn’t enough talents.

Changkyun motioned to his hyung to start, monitoring from the mixing console outside the vocal booth. The others shared a sofa, so Hyungwon decided to sit on the floor. He still could perfectly watch Hoseok from there, thank you tall genes very much.

The maknae’s song was a ballad. Automatically moving his body back and forth, following the melody, his skin started to tickle.

_I was blankly staring at the night’s darkness_

_But something pulls me_

_I’m going between_

_From far away, you shine on me_

_Taking my quiet heart_

_You’re right there_

Hyungwon’s first mistake was glancing at the man singing. The older looked more than ethereal, it was almost like he just had created the entire Universe and shined more than the stars he’d put in the sky. _What the hell_. Hoseok’s gaze fell on him.

 

_Can’t stop_

_We’re facing each other, I won’t stop_

_Even your eyes, everything has stopped_

_I trapped myself in anti-gravity_

_I met a new universe that is you_

_In that sweet air, with body movements that only we know_

_We’re sharing greetings of ecstasy_

 

His second mistake was to keep staring at the older, even though all their friends were there and probably noticed Hoseok’s eyes fixed on him. While he was singing. Only at him.

 

_Ok ok, if it’s you, who cares?_

_If I’m trapped in your universe, who cares?_

_Even if it gets dark, even if I get lost, it’s you_

_I’ll look for the brilliant you (don’t go)_

Why the fuck Changkyun wrote things like that? For Kihyun, probably. Then he should be the one singing and gazing at his boyfriend, not Hoseok. Eyeing him like that, without no shame.

 

_I wanted it so much_

_I embraced it so deep_

_Your light wakes me up_

_You’re in my arms_

_I’m so curious_

_About your world_

 

His third mistake was leaving before the recording was over, because that was a declaration of weakness; a perfect statement that something was truly wrong. It’d pass, Hyungwon was sure. Even though his heart was beating like crazy, it’d go away.

 

_Right?_

 

 

DAY 01

That was it. The dreadful day had come. While Hyungwon checked his bag to see if he forgot something, he considered again killing Hoseok or just don’t pay attention to his blackmailing, because if he wanted to stay in the dorms, that was his fault. However, he already had bought gifts for his family and tossed some clothes in a duffel bag. The red-haired already called his mother saying they’ll be there, and Hyungwon cared about letting them down more than he should. He was going to make the older’s life a living hell, a promise to himself.

The road to Hoseok’s parents was pretty stuffed; of course, it was just a week before Christmas and people always have the tendency to do things at the last minute. Hoseok switched through the radio stations while they were stuck in traffic. In the end, he gave up and connected his phone to the USB port.

“Really, Hoseok? You’re playing the Goblin soundtrack?”

The red-haired chuckled, in the passenger’s seat. “It’s amazing, you gotta admit.”

Hyungwon couldn’t win this argument. “Ugh. Whatever.”

“So…” The older straightened his back and looked up at him. “There’s some things you gotta now about my family.”

The younger frowned, hands still tight on the steering wheel. “Are they gangsters? Because I knew a gangster family once.”

Hoseok laughed, adjusting his beanie. “God, no. My dad owns a restaurant and my mom is an elementary school principal.”

“Okay.”

“It was actually through one of her friends from work that I was adopted.”

“I see. Wait. What? You’re adopted?”

The raven-haired didn’t mean to shout, he just… wasn’t expecting it. Hoseok smiled, and Hyungwon was getting goddamn tired of that goofy thing; his stomach still needed checking.

“Yeah. I was 5. My mom’s friend did voluntary work at an orphanage, the one I was since I was a baby, and one day she invited my mom to come visit. Mom always says that she couldn’t get her eyes off me because she knew I was already her son.”

“Wow. That’s… nice?”

The older laughed again, in the loud way that happened when he was really happy. “Yeah. You okay?”

“Sure. I never met someone that was adopted. Being chosen by your parents is nice.”

_As if any parent would choose me if I was in Hoseok’s shoes._

“My sisters are a bit… too much. Imagine that Minhyuk and Changkyun had a baby. That’s it, that’s my sisters.”

“Oh God…” The goddamn traffic didn’t move, and he wanted to jump off the nearest bridge. “At least I won’t embarrass myself mentioning that you look like your mom or dad. Oh shit, sorry.”

Crush was singing “Beautiful” when Hoseok giggled again. “It’s fine. I just wanted you to know. It’s fine, Hyungwonnie.”

The hand that reach to grab Hyungwon’s was a bit cold, but that didn’t bother him. These things should start being a nuisance; Hoseok is getting too chummy.

When they succeeded to get out of the traffic jam, it took about 30 minutes to get at the place. Hoseok’s home was a two-floors simple yellowish house, but it was incredible large when compared to their neighbors’ homes. Hyungwon froze at the first step of the little stone ladder in front of the house. There was nothing but anxiety building up inside him; maybe he should throw up.

“Come on.” Hoseok extended a hand and carried their bags with the other, already on the last step. “You’re gonna freeze here.”

“I’m-I’m-I don’t know what to do.” Way to go, Hyungwon, stutter is always a good way to start a meeting.

“I’ll take care of it. Come on.”

The older barely knocked once and someone already opened the door, a _very enthusiastic someone_ that Hyungwon assumed that was his mother.

“Hoseokkie! Baby, I missed you so much, look at you!” The woman took her time hugging her son, then turned to Hyungwon.

“Mom. Chae Hyungwon. Hyungwon, that’s mom.”

Hyungwon took a deep breath to be able to function. At least he remembered to bow. “Uh-I-Hello, Mrs. Shin.”

“Oh please, you no need to be formal with me. Come here.”

The woman was a few centimeters shorter than Hoseok, with a bright golden hair. She looked younger than she was, probably already in her ‘50s. Her hug felt identical as Hoseok’s.

A shout came from inside the house. “ARE THEY HERE?”

_Oh, Christ._

Three women practically materialized in front of them, still at the entrance of the house, and headed towards Hyungwon.

“WAIT!” Hoseok opening his arms, blocking their way to the younger, and Hyungwon was never more thankful for that. Even though all of this was his fault. “Don’t crowd him.” One of his friend’s arms came to pull the younger closer to him. His stomach wasn’t fine. “I said that on the phone. Greet him like _normal people_ or else he’ll leave.”

One of the Shin sisters was almost the same height as Hyungwon. She was the first to approach him, tilting her head a few times to look at his face. That made Hyungwon incredibly self-conscious that he probably looked like shit; the blue hoodie and jeans that he wore were far from elegant.

“You’re so handsome, Jesus Christ. Do have that same face the entire day or do you look a bit ugly?”

Hoseok facepalmed. “Noona, please.”

That made Hyungwon giggle a bit. He bowed and held out his hand to the woman; she hugged him instead. She had a very nice short brown hair, small hazel eyes just like her mother.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Chae Hyungwon.”

“I’m Hoseok’s oldest sister, Sehee. How the hell my brother was this lucky?”

_What luck?_

“Move, unni. It’s my time to see the new family member.”

Hoseok’s second oldest sister was the most energetic woman Hyungwon had ever met. In a matter of seconds, the woman hugged him, stepped back to checking him up from head to toe, asked what Hyungwon did to keep his skin so fair and hugged him again.

“I’m Sohee, I’m so happy you’re here, Hyungwon!”

Hyungwon was confused. “Why?”

“None of my friends has a brother-in-law so tall and handsome. Look at that skin, mom!” Even though they were almost the same height, her small eyes and petit figure made her look feebler than her sisters. She was far from that, Hyungwon could tell.

“Sohee, let the boys come in. It’s freezing.”

Once they stepped inside the house, Hyungwon was almost tackled by Hoseok’s third sister, the youngest of them. By what Hoseok told him, she was only six years older than him. The woman didn’t look like she was 30, though.

Her golden-hair was almost similar to her mother’s, but was a bit darker. It looked good on her, more than the family’s brown hair color. Her traits were more imposing than her older sisters; sharp features made her look fiercer. The woman was incredible kind and smiley, though.

“How are you? I’m Suran. You don’t need to be formal with me, just call me noona.”

Of course, the little shit had to interrupt. “Hyungwon doesn’t use honorifics with almost anyone.”

The younger shot back. “That’s because you don’t deserve it.”

A laughter erupted in the living room, a fairly spacious and illuminated place, except for Hoseok faking a mad glare at him.

Sehee uncovered her mouth to teaser her brother. “Do you want an ice pack for that burn, Seokkie?”

“Thank you, noonas. Thank you, Mrs. Shin.” Hyungwon proceed to bow again. “You’re all very beautiful.”

“Oh please, call me mom. We’re all family here. Err… Hyungwon, sweetie… You know that you won’t be able to hide behind my son, right? You’re taller.”

The raven-haired boy hadn’t notice that he gradually moved towards the older’s back, almost gripping his coat. _How the hell?_

Hoseok snorted and changed the topic. “Where’s dad?”

His mom gestured towards the back of the house. “He’s working at the backyard. Take Hyungwon there, I’ll leave your bags in Hoseok’s room.”

Suran stepped in, clutching her mother’s arm. “You two are sharing a room, right?”

Hyungwon turned to Hoseok with a desperate look, begging for him to answer.

“Sure. It’s not like it’s the first time.”

And that was another reason of why Hoseok was going to get assassinated once they were out of that house. The utter dipshit. Hyungwon’s face was probably redder than a tomato, if his sisters’ giggles could tell him something. At least their mother had mercy on him.

“Suran, leave them alone. Go check if Siwoo is awake and need something.”

Making their way to where his father was, Hoseok poked Hyungwon’s cheek. “Are you okay?”

“I hate you.”

He had the nerve to laugh. “Here.”

The other grabbed Hyungwon’s hand faster than the younger could reacted, and kept their hands intertwined, buried in his jacket.

For a moment, Hyungwon thought he was going to pass out. For sure was because he hadn’t eaten all day — not that he mentioned to his friend, he would overreact — and was still warming up from being in the cold for a while. Hoseok’s hand was warmer than when they were in the car, warmer than the house heater; their hands were almost the same size, but Hyungwon’s felt like it shrunk in the man’s hand.

Opening a big glass door, the older took their hands out of his pocket, but didn’t let go.

His father was a very tall man, Holy Christ on a bike. Taller than Hyungwon, at least. He already felt a bit intimidated.

“So that’s the son I’ve heard I still have…”

His voice was deeper than Hoseok’s; Sehee got hers from their father. For a winter afternoon, the man was dressed too casually, only a polo shirt and thick black trouser. Suran’s bigger eyes definitely came from the man in front of him.

“I’ve been here for like, 10 minutes, and you’re already making a scene.” Hoseok let go of his hand to hug his father, and Hyungwon was surprisingly disappointed.

His father smiled the same way his friend did, mouth expanding into a smile and eyes tightly shutting. He seemed to be about the same age as Hoseok’s mother.

“What can a father do when his son barely calls him, only bothering to call his mother? Don’t you fear for the sorrow in my heart?”

“Gosh, dad, calm down. I’m here for a week. You’ll get tired of me in a few days.”

“So…”

The older’s dad motioned with his head in Hyungwon’s direction.

“Oh, dad, this is Hyungwon. Hyungwon, this is my dad, the most dramatic man alive.”

The raven-haired automatically bowed and Hoseok’s dad chuckled.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Shin.” Honest to god, he tried to smile. His nervousness didn’t decrease.

“So… you’re my son’s boyfriend.”

Hyungwon choked on fucking nothing, in the middle of the Shin’s backyard.

“Yes?” He managed to mutter.

“Don’t worry, we’re a very open-minded family. You’re safe here.”

 

 

_WONSEOK IS REAL_

_[15:44 pm]_

**Overlord** : lmao just texted hyungwon to ask how things were going

 **Overlord** : he died at least two times

 **Agent Gun** : DEETS

 **Overlord** : his sisters hovered over him like hawks, but friendly hawks (hyungwon’s words)

 **Honeybee** : stay strong hyungwon-ah

 **Overlord** : his parents are nicer than hyungwon imagined

 **Overlord** : and hoseok already said they slept together before

 **Overlord** : in front of his family

 **Maknae** : im FUCKING dead

 **Puppy** : hoseok too

 **Puppy** : i could feel he was almost crying through the screen

 **Overlord** : WHAT DID HE SAY

 **Puppy** : he held hyungwon’s hand and put their hands inside his pocket

 **Puppy** : he’s locked at the bathroom or something rn

 **Maknae** : OH GOD THE GOOD CONTENT

 **Honeybee** : i’d pay good money to see these things

 **Agent Gun** : at least we saw hyungwon losing his shit at the recording LMAOOOOOO

 **Puppy** : hoseok was looking straight at him while singing

 **Bear hyung** : As i said, hyungwon is v oblivious

 **Bear hyung** : Because Hoseok is not subtle at all

 **Overlord** : how is it going at hyung’s house, @Puppy?

 **Puppy** : EVERYBODY HERE IS SO CUTE AND TREATS ME SO NICE I CRIED THREE TIMES

 **Bear hyung** : he’s crying again

 **Overlord** : im glad. you deserve it

 **Puppy** : HOLD UP IM HOLLERING HYUNG JUST SENT ME A PICTURE OF HYUNGWON AND SAID, I QUOTE:

 **Puppy** : “i think he’s the most beautiful human being alive and i’m afraid”

 **Agent Gun** : RECEIPTS

 **Puppy** :

**Overlord** : can’t relate

**Agent Gun** : I DRPPED MT PHONE ON MY FACE

 **Overlord** : the perks of a 16-year-old friendship

 

 

 

“Do you want to take a nap before dinner?”

They were at Hoseok’s room. Yes, the same room where he grew up. His mother made sure to keep all his stuff intact, except for when she cleaned the place. A King size bed, two bedtables and bookshelves everywhere were all that was in there. A half-dozen movie posters on the wall, mainly thrillers, caught the younger’s attention. He wasn’t really focused, though; Hyungwon seemed a bit aloof from reality.

“I’m fine-”

Not a good point to make when you almost faint after said statement, and Hoseok crossed the room so fast he could have broken something. The raven-haired leaned on his bed to regain control.

“Holy shit, Hyungwon. Did you eat today?”

“Yes.”

He didn’t.

“I’ll get you something. Sit down.”

When Hoseok came back, he found the boy sleeping soundly. He was glad Hyungwon didn’t felt too much nervous inside his house, at least he didn’t seem to be. Despite his sisters, of course.

After a shower, Hoseok went downstairs to see if his mother needed help with the food. Before that, he snapped a picture of the boy sleeping on his bed, because it was too cute for this world, even if he felt a bit creepy. _Get your shit together._

“Is he eating the sandwich?”

“He fell asleep. I’ll wake him up in a bit.”

His mother moved from the sink to lean over the countertop. _Here it comes._

“He’s adorable, Hoseok. I like him.” The woman grinned, from ear to ear. “Your father liked him too. Your sisters… well, you saw. Keep him, will you?”

“Sure, mom.” He offered her a smile back. “By the way, I wanted to talk about something… Hyungwon bought presents to all of you, for Christmas.”

“That’s nice, darling.”

“I mean… Just tell the others to not be so shocked when they open it, okay? I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable.”

His mother looked puzzled. “Why would he?”

Releasing a deep breath, Hoseok thought about the best way to explain. Hee never thought he’d have to say something like that in his life.

“Hyungwon is… well, really rich. But he doesn’t really bring this up. He bought you a ruby necklace.”

“A real one?”

“Yeah. His relationship with his parents ain’t the best since… well, forever. Just tell the others to thank him and not mention… how much that costs.”

_“Hoseoooook.”_

A groggy voice came the stairs near the living room. Hyungwon walked slowly towards them, rubbing one of his eyes. He looked so damn cute, good God.

“I… A shower. I don’t know where’s the bathroom.”

The red-haired had to physically restrain himself of smiling at Hyungwon.

“There’s one in my bedroom, Hyungwonnie.”

“Oh… I didn’t notice it.”

“Come on.”

Hoseok found out, a bit later than he should have, that holding Hyungwon’s hand was the thing that made him feel the silliest man alive. The other hadn’t complained when he first held it, so Hoseok did it again. As long as they were pretending, he felt free to do these things that tickled his nerves, in a good way.

A bit of sadness was inevitable when he remembered they were just _pretending_.

Dinner at his house is always a very agitated event. Hoseok had to ask for his family to be a little less noisy at least two times, but it was like asking Minhyuk the same thing. Useless.

Hyungwon was focused on eating his food when Sehee decided to interview him.

“So Hyungwon… Hoseok said you’re a literature major? Do you pretend to teach?”

The silence of Hoseok’s family made the boy look up, except his nephew that currently was eating and sleeping at the same time.

“Yes. I like children.”

Suran’s turn. “When did you and my little brother first met?”

Certainly not a good topic.

“Noona…”

Hyungwon cut through the older’s intervention with the truth. “I was having a panic attack at a maintenance room, at college. He entered the room to hide from someone, and he helped me. We met again a month later, I think. This was almost a year ago.”

He knew he was staring for too long, with the stupid grin on his face. Hoseok was thankful the younger wasn’t seeing him like that.

“Do you still have those attacks, darling?”

His mother meant the best, but the subject wasn’t enjoyable.

“Mom…”

“It’s fine. I still have them, sometimes. It’s… manageable.”

The woman nodded, and continued. “Hoseok talked very much about you in his previous visits, I’m glad to see you’re exactly what he said.”

Now the raven-haired turned that was sitting by his side turned around to look at him.

“He did?”

She laughed. “Yes, darling. I’m sure he already had a crush on you back then.”

 _Goddamnit._ He facepalmed only to peek at Suran smirking at him. Beside him, Hyungwon was fairly red-faced.

“Stop interrogating the boy. You ladies will have an entire week for that. I’m sorry they are nosy as hell, Hyungwon.”

That got a chuckle out of the boy, God bless his father.

It had been a long day, without a doubt. Leaving the dorms, stuck in traffic, dealing with his family all over Hyungwon and being the lovable weirdos they were… He was exhausted. Hoseok planned to be dead for the world for at least the next eight hours.

Things would’ve been smooth if his friend didn’t decide to motionless stand next to his bathroom’s door.

“Jesus, Hyungwon. You almost gave me a heart attack. The hell you doing standing there?”

The younger’s voice was low, as if he had spoken too much. “I don’t know.”

That made Hoseok sit up on the bed quicker than he lied down. “Are you okay? What are you feeling?”

“I… don’t know.”

“It’s because it’s an unfamiliar place to you? You’re scared?”

The boy nodded. He should at least try to be less adorable, for Hoseok’s health.

“Come here.” He extended a hand to Hyungwon. “I’m here. Only me. I won’t let anything, or anyone, bother you.”

Settling beside him was proving to be one of the hardest tasks of Hoseok’s life. It wasn’t something new, for them to share a bed. But now that Hyungwon was truthfully under a new light to him, the red-haired couldn’t help but stare a lot.

“Your family is nice.” Hyungwon’s muffled little voice emerged, after a while, when Hoseok ran his fingers through the boy’s hair. Hoseok peered at him; he was at the first stage of sleep, eyes closed and all. “You’re really lucky. I wish I had grown up in a place like this.”

Hoseok felt like a spear hit him in his chest. Looking down at the boy, now fast asleep, made him want to turn back in time. He wanted to see little Hyungwon and tell him that someday he’ll be very loved, despite all the things he would have to deal while growing up. No, scratch that, Hoseok wanted to take him away to a place he’d turn into a big Hyungwon surrounded by people who absolutely cared about him, who would do anything for him.

The younger wasn’t mean as he always liked to say he was. He was far from that. The fact that living with his shitty parents didn’t make him cruel was something that Hoseok was thankful for, every single day. Every time he saw Hyungwon doing generous things for their friends when they weren’t paying attention, every time he would smile even though he was in pain, or worse… All of this hit Hoseok in the face with a bat, and he couldn’t help but realize how much he loved Hyungwon.

The undeniable truth. He loved him.

His eyes started to water and, if it wasn’t for the fact that the one beside him in bed was clenching his arm with both hands, Hoseok probably would be in his bathroom, crying.

The bad thing about loving him was that it the chances of the feeling not being mutual were pretty high. Would he handle well a rejection that could affect their friendship? Perhaps. It could also affect their relationship with their other friends, and things would fall apart before Hoseok could blink; Hyungwon would push him away forever. Hoseok was certain he wouldn’t handle that well.

The good thing about loving him was that he had the privilege of holding him in his arms, more times than he realized that he should be grateful for. Those moments passed unnoticed on his mind; it had become such a habit that he took it for granted. Now, loving him in that way, every single moment like this was something that the older treasured, and craved. Because it always could be the last time.

 

 

DAY 02

A series of knocks woke him up, and for a moment he was ready to kill whoever was banging on his bedroom door. Hyungwon became aware of his surroundings in time, though. That wasn’t his room. It was Hoseok’s room. Hoseok’s bed. In Hoseok’s parent’s house. Hoseok, peacefully sleeping by his side, with an arm hugging Hyungwon’s waist.

Moving carefully to not wake the older, he got to the door to find Hoseok’s mother smiling at him.

“Did you sleep well, darling?”

She was incredible caring. Hyungwon wasn’t used to this.

“Yes, Mrs. Shin.”

“Please, it’s Mom to you. Wake up my son, will you? We’re going to buy a tree to put on the living room.”

That was it. Hyungwon noticed all the decoration outside and inside the house, but never saw a Christmas tree anywhere.

“Will do… Mom.” _It sounded weird_. He never even called his real mother like this.

“Thank you, breakfast will be in 10.”

Coming back to the bed, Hyungwon tried to fulfil his task, even though he was still sleepy.

“Hoseok.” One tug on his shirt. “Hoseok.” Louder, this time. “Jesus, Hoseok, wa-”

The raven-haired let out a yelp that he couldn’t restrain in time when his friend pulled him to lay down again. “5 more minutes, Hyungwonnie.”

There was something about the way he said his name that didn’t quite feel the same anymore. Another weird thing, and it was only just 7 in the morning.

Hyungwon tried to imagine what it was like when the older dated that guy. Would he embrace the other man like he always did when they shared a bed? Would he grab the man’s hand and put inside his pocket, because it was very cold? _Does it matter?_ He was a very kind man, after all. Of course he would, Hyungwon wasn’t an exception. They weren’t even dating for real. Another thing that didn’t matter.

His friend had a really nice face structure; he couldn’t help but notice because the man was decided to maintain his grasp on him, using all of his strength. Hoseok had a really nice smile, it was one of his best features. He’d become so carefree that it was something almost contagious.

Still staring, self-conscious of that, Hyungwon wasn’t going to deny that the man was handsome. He was. Really handsome. People said that Hyungwon was beautiful all the time, but he could never take it very seriously. Hoseok was in a totally different level; he was _god-like_. He looked like those modern sculptures, perfect details everywhere. The darker hair was Hyungwon’s favorite. Hoseok looked way better with a darker hair tone, if you ask him.

“Are you done staring at me?”

Hyungwon would’ve jump off the fucking bed if it wasn’t for his friend’s grip on him.

“Fucking hell, Hoseok. Get up, your mom is waiting for us. And let go of me.”

“No.” He always sounded like a whiny kid in the morning. “You’ll escape.”

The younger snorted. “To where?”

“Away from me.”

His stomach was back at it, always in a very bad timing.

“I’m going to the bathroom, idiot.”

 

 

 

Not that it was a tradition, but sometimes his family liked to gather everybody to buy a Christmas tree. It was on the years they were too busy and didn’t have the time to go out, bring it home and decorate.

The only problem was the cold. In a goddamn morning. He wasn’t going argue with his mother, though; keep being alive was his goal.

Turning around to check on Hyungwon, he let out a sneeze. “Are you okay?”

“Cooooold.”

The other didn’t protest much when Hoseok started to warm the boy’s hands with his own. After a while, Hoseok looked up at him.

“Thanks.”

“Yo, lovebirds, let’s get going!”

Of course Sohee would be yelling in that ungodly hour.

The garden centre was a couple of blocks away from his house; the one they would usually go every year. He didn’t know how they still had trees available when Christmas eve was just around the corner. Capitalism and it’s modus operandi.

“Darling, go over there to see if you find a nice tree. Hyungwon, I’m trusting you to pick a good one.”

The raven-haired was startled by his mother’s words. “Me?”

“Yes. It’s your first time with us, you call the shots.”

“I don’t… Well… I never bought a Christmas tree before, I don’t know if I… If I’d pick a nice one.”

“I trust your judgement, don’t worry. Hoseok will help you.”

Watching his mother leave to keep his father awake with a cup of coffee, Hoseok lifted his head to see Hyungwon struggling in his mind.

“You never bought a Christmas tree?”

“No. We didn’t have Christmas trees in my house.”

 _God._ The fact that Hyungwon hadn’t experience a lot of good things about these holidays was killing him. He deserved to have this, _to have it all_.

“Come on. I will help you. But you have good taste, it’ll be easy.”

As they walked down a hallway full trees in all sizes, the wind gave them a little break. Hoseok couldn’t wait to get back to the warmth of his house, though.

“What’s the size of the tree your family wants?” Hyungwon asked, looking up and down at the different options.

“About 50 centimeters taller than you.”

“You really buy a big ass tree? This is a _real_ tree.” The younger seemed a bit muddled. “It takes time to decorate. A lot of time.”

“We do it together, it’s faster.”

The other nodded. “I see.”

After a while, Hyungwon stopped in front of an imposing tree, but it’s color was little more faded than the others around them. He turned around to face Hoseok. “What do you think?”

“Why not the more vivid ones?”

“They make my eyes hurt.”

“Sure. We’ll take it.”

Grabbing the other by the wrist, Hoseok started to make their way back, but the younger had something to say. “You don’t have you buy this one.”

“You heard mom. It’s your call this time. Come on.”

When Hoseok thought about the fact that Hyungwon had never decorated a Christmas tree before, it explained why he was so stiff around it. His nephew was having the time of his life, though.

“Is it fine to put these little balls here? I never understood why they are a Christmas ornament.”

Sehee got out the back of tree to face his friend. “Hyungwon, a Christmas ornament is everything we want to be a Christmas ornament. Siwoo is putting a Wonder Woman doll at the bottom of it.”

The taller looked down at the little boy playing with a lot of action figures before deciding where to hang on the tree. From the couch, Hoseok never found anything to amusing.

Suran had to kill his vibe.

“Yah, Hoseok! Get up and help your boyfriend do his job instead of staring at him.”

His sisters would never really let him live, he didn’t know why he was still surprised. The red-haired knew his face was blushing by the time he got near the tree.

“It doesn’t make sense. Why candy canes?”

An adorable answer came from his nephew. “Santa likes it.”

“I see. Thanks, Siwoo.”

As Hyungwon busied himself, along with his sisters, Siwoo looked up at him to ask something.

“Uncle Hoseok, is Hyungwon also an uncle? Should I call him Uncle Hyungwon?”

His sisters and him burst into laughter. The cutest bean, Lord bless him.

His oldest sister was the one that replied. “You have to ask Hyungwon if he wants you to call him that, baby.”

“Are you an Uncle, Hyungwon?”

Hoseok swear to God he saw the color vanish from his friend’s face and for a second, he thought the other would faint. Instead, he crouched down near Siwoo.

“You can call me that if you want.”

“Thanks, Uncle Hyungwon.”

 

 

 

_Bi the gay_

[10:25 am]

 **I.M** : i already miss u guys

 **Hyunglost** : Can’t relate

 **I.M** : i love u too hyung

 **Gun(shots)** : why tf u brought this gc back let it die

 **I.M** : i never had a group of friends before i promise that ill make you all proud

 **Joohoney** : enough of Hamilton

 **I.M** : theres no such thing as enough Hamilton bro

 **Hamster Overlord** : how yall doing

 **50% tears 50% protein** : im stuffing my mouth with food im good

 **Big Rilakkuma** : minhyuk cant talk rn bc he’s playing with my nieces

 **Big Rilakkuma** : and we’re fine btw

 **Gun(shots)** : that’s so fucking cute bless him

 **Gun(shots)** : im fine but mom keeps saying she misses jooheon and im saying “me too” its like a soap opera

 **Joohoney** : I’ll drop by in a few days

 **Gun(shots)** : REALLY? i told mom and she just rushed out to the grocery store lmao

 **Joohoney** : i bought something for her actually

 **Gun(shots)** : what about me

 **Gun(shots)** : nvm [Rain’s voice] you’re the best present this world gave to me

 **Hyunglost** : stop that

 **Hamster Overlord** : why is Gwangju like this

 **Hyunglost** : tf

 **Hamster Overlord** : do you remember that guy who tried to bully you back at high school

 **Hyunglost** : …yes?

 **Hamster Overlord** : i was at a restaurant with my parents and

 **Hamster Overlord** : istg, the guy tried to hit on me

 **Hyunglost** : WAIT WHAT

 **Hamster Overlord** : i think he didn’t recognize me from that time i tried to stab him at school

 **Hamster Overlord** : worst part is that my mom said i should give him a chance and i said no i'm with changkyun?/???

 **Hamster Overlord** : then i said he used to bully you in high school and my mom tried to stab him with a fork

 **Hamster Overlord** : all the police stations in Korea look the same, for real

 **I.M** : YOU’RE IN JAIL?

 **Hamster Overlord** : no, idiot

 **Hamster Overlord** : my dad is trying to press charges against that bully even though it has been almost 10 years??

 **Hamster Overlord** : they keep saying they cant do shit bc dad isn’t hyungwon’s legal guardian or anything and its been too long

 **Hamster Overlord** : my mom is at the window cursing at that prick he’s in the parking lot i think

 **Hamster Overlord** : the prick doesnt want to press charges bc his family is like, important here rn and rich ppl don’t like scandals

 **Hamster Overlord** : the worst part is that i’m still hungry

 **Hyunglost** : I can’t breathe

 **Hyunglost** : I’m laughing too hard

 **I.M** : thats what i call christmas spirit

 **I.M** : and now i kno from who Kihyun got his temper

 **Hamster Overlord** : sleep with an open eye once you get here, Im Changkyun

 **I.M** : i take it back ily

 

 

 

“They bullied you in school?”

Hyungwon got up from his previous position — laying down with his head on one of the couch’s arm — to sit up. “It’s not that deep, Hoseok.”

The older dropped his phone between them. “Of course it is! Why would, why-”

“Because I’m rich.”

When he thought about it, it was the most stupid reason to bully someone. Yet, people thought it was unfair that he “had it all”. As if.

Hoseok rotated his body to face him, cross-legged on the other side of the couch. “What the hell? Did they…”

“No, they didn’t hurt me. Kihyun protected me.”

That shorty really did. One of the most memorable days of his life in high school was the one when Kihyun chasing some stupid boys with a spike. No, Hyungwon doesn’t know where his friend got that from.

Hoseok nodded, letting the story sink in. “Did you like, decorating the tree?”

Despite the fact that some ornaments were completely random, Hyungwon thought it was quite fun to turn an ordinary tree into a glowing one, full of cute little objects and string lights. His parents didn’t care about these holidays since… well, forever.

Moving on the couch to face the tree just a few meters away from them, Hyungwon smiled. “Yeah. I only saw of one those in the house of Kihyun’s parents. Can I take a picture?”

The other chuckled. “You don’t have to ask.”

“It’s just… I don’t know when I’m going to see one of those again.”

 

 

 

DAY 03

Merciless, that had been the coldest night of the month so far. Three comforters were barely enough to keep Hyungwon and Hoseok warm in their sleep, and yet the younger spent a solid minute complaining about it before falling asleep.

The first light of the sun to enter the room woke up Hoseok, much to his dismay. Moving wasn’t an option. No matter how many times his mother insisted, they were too cozy to think of doing anything. If one of his sisters came, maybe he’d have to give in.

His phone, on the bedside table, lit up and Hoseok turned around to check on Hyungwon; the boy wasn’t clinging onto his arm like the usual.

Because he wasn’t there.

The red-haired upped to look in his bathroom, and Hyungwon wasn’t there too. Climbing down the stairs, he searched every room, every corner of his house; even in the places he logically knew Hyungwon couldn’t be. He didn’t have the luxury to rule out anything from the mental list he did while panicking. _It was hardly 7am, where could he be?_

Hoseok started thinking about the possibility that he really left, and went back to his room. The boy’s bag was still there, everything the boy brought remained as it was before.

His heart was beating so fast that he had to sit down a bit, to think clearly. _Breathe in, breath out. Keep doing that. Everything will be fine. I’ll find him_. After a few minutes, he went to do what he always did when had no idea how to deal with something.

“Mom. Mom?”

After calling her outside her room, not knocking to not disturb his father, she appeared to open the door in a few minutes. His mother was a very light sleeper.

“Hoseok? What is it?”

“Mom.” A choked sob escaped his mouth before he could explain anything.

The woman hurried to hug her son. “What happened? Baby, talk to me.”

The tears wouldn’t cease. “I-I… I was sleeping, and Hyungwon…”

She pulled back to look at her son. “Baby, is Hyungwon alright?”

“I think he left.”

“What?”

“I-I woke up, I woke up… and he wasn’t in bed and-and I looked everywhere…”

Hoseok was fully weeping in front of his mother.

“Darling, calm down. I’m sure he had a good reason to leave, he’ll come back.”

Endless scenarios passed through his mind. “I don’t know about that. What if he’s… what if needs someone, to help, what if needs me to…”

“Stay here. I’ll wake up your father.”

As his mother disappeared back into the darkness of her room, Hoseok crouched down near the wall. _Why would he leave?_ He would’ve told him if he was going to leave, right? He seemed okay here, Hyungwon told the older he liked his house. Why now, out of fucking nowhere, in the middle of a freezing morning? It didn’t make sense.

“Hoseok?”

A voice down the hall made him raise up his head. It wasn’t who he wanted to be.

Suran walked carefully towards her brother. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“Noona… Hyungwon isn’t here anymore.”

The woman frowned. “What? Maybe he went for a walk or something.”

Now fully sitting on the floor, he wiped his tears. “Hyungwon doesn’t do that. Especially in places he doesn’t know very well. He gets nervous.”

“We’ll find him, okay?”

It didn’t take half hour until his entire family, except his nephew, was awake and trying to think of places Hyungwon could’ve gone. After dressing up with their warmest garments, they gathered in the kitchen; Hoseok couldn’t even measure how much of a mess he must look right now.

His father seemed very worried, but more focused than his son. “Did he mentioned any place he liked here? Maybe he…”

Out of all the things that passed through Hoseok’s head, only the bad ones manifested in large scale. _Hyungwon could be hurt. Hyungwon could be having an episode. Hyungwon got lost. Hyungwon…_

The sound of a car engine made him flew towards the kitchen’s window. Hyungwon’s car.

“Is it him?” One of his sisters asked, he didn’t pay attention enough to recognize the voice.

Hoseok felt like he was running out of air and, at the same time, emerging to the surface after being in deep waters; things moved slowly than they usually did. He barely could move a limb out of the kitchen when the front door opened. His entire family gathered around him to see who was entering the house.

Hyungwon only had a scarf and a not so thick coat, combined with pajamas pants, carrying a small bag on his hand. He still had his groggy morning voice.

“Did… something happened?”

“Holy shit, thank fucking God-”

His mother’s voice. “Language, Shin Sohee.”

He couldn’t control the way his legs sprinted at full speed towards the younger, standing there in the middle of the living room looking very confused. Pulling the other down, he buried his face in Hyungwon’s neck and started crying again.

“Hoseok?” It was Hyungwon. Hyungwon, that was safe and sound. Hyungwon, that was hugging him back. “What happened?”

The red-haired got out of the embrace to glare at the boy. “Where the fuck have you been? I couldn’t find you anywhere and-”

“I went back to the dorms to grab my turtle pajamas, I sleep better with them on. I sent you a text telling you I’d be back soon.”

“Text? I didn’t see any text. I just couldn’t find you and I thought-”

“You thought I left for good?”

Hoseok nodded. Hyungwon looked mortified, contemplating the red-haired’s state.

“I didn’t want to wake you up so I thought a text would do… I’m sorry.”

There was nothing but tears on the older’s face when Hyungwon hugged him again, dropping the bag on the floor to wrap both of his arms around him. It felt like everything in the world was right again. The younger noticed the rest of his family watching them from the kitchen’s entrance.

“I’m sorry if I made you all worry… I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay, Hyungwon-ah” His mother stated. “We’re just glad you’re back home safe.”

Suran’s voice didn’t sound upset; she was just somnolent. “And that’s my cue to go back to sleep.”

 

 

 

“I do have to get up to pee, you know.”

“No.”

“Seriously, Hoseok. It’ll take just a minute.”

His friend had been securing a holding on him for 20 minutes now. When Hoseok calmed down, he gave Hyungwon a slap on the arm for being “an inconsiderate brat”. Even though the pandemonium was his fault, for not checking his phone before freaking out.

“I’ll tickle you if you don’t let go.”

They were in Hoseok’s bed, comforters up til their necks, with the older half on top of him.

“I’ll tickle you back and you’ll be dead. They’ll have to write “death by tickling” in your obituary.”

“I’ll watch The Princess and the Frog with you if you let me go to the bathroom.”

The older perked up with a smile. His damn stomach.

“Deal.”

One of his hands was still on Hoseok, running his fingers through his friend’s cherry red locks; the other kept the laptop on his lap stable. Hoseok didn’t last 20 minutes of film before he was lightly snoring on his chest.

Settling the device on one of the bedside tables, Hyungwon tried not to move too much to not wake up the man. His grasp on the younger’s waist wasn’t getting any looser, by the way. Coming back to the original position, Hoseok moved up a bit to bury his face on Hyungwon’s neck. _Everything is fine, really._ _That sent shivers down his spine because it is fucking freezing, even with the house’s heating system at full capacity._

It got worse when a muffled voice came almost from inside his skin; the man beside him talked in his sleep.

“I was so afraid of losing you, Hyungwonnie.”

He wasn’t sure if the older noticed how fast his heart was beating. This type of intimacy he only had with very few people seemed limitless every time he was with Hoseok, and his stomach kept doing a very weird thing that sometimes made Hyungwon think he was going to die from it. The last words the red-haired said before falling asleep froze the entire blood stream inside his body, but somehow it didn’t feel bad. It felt like he was trying to get a side of a Rubik cube right, but all the other colors in the object kept drawing him in; so unfocused that he couldn’t accomplish anything. Something changed, and Hyungwon had no idea what to do.

 

 

 

_WONSEOK IS REAL_

_[11:23 am]_

**Overlord** : yall ready for some soap opera shit

 **Maknae** : when am i not

 **Puppy** : IVE GOT THE RECEIPTS TOO LMAO

 **Overlord** : you don’t know how to explain shit lemme talk

 **Overlord** : so

 **Overlord** : the sappiest shit: hyungwon and hoseok went to buy a Christmas tree together (his family went too but nvm)

 **Agent Gun** : and?

 **Overlord** : boy hyungwon never had one of his own

 **Bear hyung** : tf

 **Overlord** : his parents. a long story

 **Overlord** : and hoseok’s nephew asked if he could call him “““uncle hyungwon”””

 **Agent Gun** : THAT’S SOME DOMESTIC SHIT

 **Puppy** : hoseok was so happy abt it that he sent me 14 pics of the tree that hyungwon helped decorate

 **Overlord** : it doesn’t stop there stfu

 **Maknae** : oh boy – aoa.mp3

 **Puppy** : that’s my favorite part go on kihyunnie

 **Overlord** : on this third fucking day at hoseok’s parents, hyungwon remembered he forgot his favorite pajamas in the dorms

 **Overlord** : that one with turtles i gave him

 **Bear hyung** : that’s the cutest pajama ever

 **Overlord** : so he gets up and goes back to the dorm to fetch it aint that far

 **Overlord** : he sent a text to hoseok telling him where he was going

 **Overlord** : however

 **Agent Gun** : IS SOMEONE IN JAIL

 **Puppy** : no wtf

 **Agent Gun** : it would add more drama to the plot

 **Overlord** : shut up

 **Overlord** : thing is……………….. hoseok didn’t check his phone and

 **Puppy** : FREAKED OUT LIKE FOR REALS

 **Puppy** : he woke up his mother crying and cried again when hyungwon came back

 **Honeybee** : this man is gonna be dead by dehydration one day

 **Bear hyung** : quoting hoseok on minhyuk’s phone, “I’ve never been so fucking scared in my entire life, and that counts that time you made me have lunch on a rooftop”

 **Puppy** : he texted me while crying in the bathroom after hyungwon went downstairs to eat

 **Overlord** : how tf that turtle doesn’t notice jfc this man’s love

 **Overlord** : lmao he just texted me saying hyung is clinging onto him like a koala and doesn’t want to let go

 **Maknae** : kihyun almost choked from laughing too hard i was a widower for a second

 **Agent Gun** : the devil wants no competition in hell

 **Overlord** : i'll send you my schedule so you can pick a day to get murdered

 **Honeybee** : guess who’s the widower now

 

 

 

The road to the beach was calm, mainly because he wasn’t in the same car as Hyungwon; he couldn’t bother the shit out of the boy from distance. Hoseok ended up with his parents, while Hyungwon got in the same car as his sisters and his nephew. He could be suffering at that moment, but he made his choice; Hoseok warned him it would be hell to stay in a closed space with his sisters.

He was about to put his earbuds on when his dad called his name.

“Yes, dad?”

“I was saying to your mother.” He stopped the car at a red light. “When are you going to stop pretending that you’re dating Hyungwon and actually date him?”

If Hoseok was eating something, he’d have choked and died at that exact moment.

“What?”

“Oh, son.” His father continued. “You’re the worst liar I’ve ever seen in my life. I knew you were faking this dating thing when you introduced him to me.”

“The hell, dad?”

His mother left her contribution. “I like him very much, you know. And you’re so in love with him and I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize he likes you too.”

Since when his parents gained the ability to read his mind? Hoseok felt the car getting smaller. It started moving again.

“I… I’m afraid.” The red-haired had nothing to hide anymore. “I’m afraid I’ll lose him.”

His father sent him an apologetic look through the rearview mirror. “We saw the way you freaked out earlier. I never saw you like this before.”

“My sisters know?”

She snorted. “Yeah. I think even our blind neighbor and her guide dog knows.”

The tone of his father’s voice got solemn. “Tell him, Hoseok. You’ll lose him too if you let him escape to someone else.”

 

 

The ride with Hoseok’s sisters was more fun than he expected. They were all incredible funny and delightful; there wasn’t space for Hyungwon to feel uncomfortable, the women made sure to check if he was okay and included in their chat the entire time.

Hoseok’s nephew slept through the entire little trip, but got up quickly once they arrived at the beach. Hyungwon chuckled seeing the little boy running towards the sea to feel the water hit his feet; running back in a second because the water was really cold.

“Are you alive?”

Hoseok’s voice cut through all the noises in the world.

“Your sisters are funnier than you.”

The other scoffed. “As if. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I never took so many selfies with people in my life.”

The wind was a bit severer than Hyungwon would like it to be, messing up the older’s hair. His hands betrayed him so fast by reaching it and trying to keep it away from his eyes. The other laughed, pulling the hood of his parka on. He did the same with Hyungwon’s.

 

 

There was one thing that Hoseok had asked to his parents and sisters not to tell Hyungwon about their afternoon trek to beach, mostly because he wanted to surprise the younger. He knew about his kind of… difficulties with that type of event, but he wanted Hyungwon to experience this so bad that he brought something to help, just in case.

“It’s nice.”

Hyungwon pulled his hood down and closed his eyes, smiling at the wind hitting his face.

“We come here since I was a child, especially today.”

A confused look appeared on the raven-haired’s boy face. “Why today?”

“You’ll see, later.”

 

 

After enjoying the short moments with the sun shining upon them, Hoseok, his family and him retreated back to where they parked the cars. It wasn’t time to go home, though.

Hyungwon didn’t have a single clue when it was the last time he was at a beach, especially alongside a family, _someone else’s family_. His anxiety was still there, but that place had something that gave him a break; in their house, he expected to feel trapped and awkward the entire time, but there was so much kindness everywhere he looked up that Hyungwon felt unscathed for the first time in a lot of years. He never met people like them, and sometimes he thought how nice this would be something to keep.

Siwoo, Sehee’s son, was still running around with a bucket full of sand and telling tales of how big his sand castle will be. His mother tried to say it was too chilly for that and that he could made a castle once the snow came; the boy seemed convinced enough, but kept running around them and the cars. Sehee’s eyes never let her son.

“How long do we have to wait?”

He didn’t want to sound like a jerk, far from that; Hyungwon just wasn’t a fan of not knowing things. The sun was already gone, allowing the pitch-black sky and it’s stars to take over.

“10 minutes. Come on.” Grabbing his hand, Hoseok started walking away from where his family stood. “I know the best spot.”

“Best spot for what?”

A twinge of nervousness got to him; he had no idea where he was and what was going to happen. Dragging him down with one hand and a backpack on his opposite shoulder, Hoseok seemed careless about everything.

That’s how Hyungwon would die, for sure.

“Tell me what’s going on, you know I don’t like surprises.”

The older started climbing an enormous rock pretty distant from the ocean; of course that for him it was easy-peasy. Hoseok was officially trying to kill him.

“Come over here.”

The rock had about 2 meters tall, but it was incredible large. Hoseok dangled his feet while waiting for him.

Hyungwon sighed, crossing his arms. “I don’t do climbing, Hoseok.”

“I’ll help you. Come here and I’ll tell you what’s going to happen.”

“You’re really annoying, you know?”

The man’s laugh spread through the ocean and beyond.

Settling beside Hoseok, Hyungwon tried to calm his breath down from that exercise.

“Tell me.”

Hoseok shifted his body to face him, and for a second he thought the older was going to fall. He didn’t.

“You said you liked fireworks, but they scare the shit out of you, remember?”

Without a doubt, he was getting murdered. If Hyungwon was a cartoon, smoke would be coming out of his ears.

“You did not… You gotta be shitting me, Hoseok.”

“Calm the fuck down. I brought something. Wait.” Fetching his backpack behind him and checking his wristwatch, the red-haired got closer.

“What?”

As Hoseok put the headphone on his head, the closeness of their bodies didn’t seem not even a bit foreign; it was almost like the other was there his entire life, by his side. How can you explain something like this without sounding weird? Hyungwon didn’t think there was a way, so he remained silent.

The raven-haired boy couldn’t hear a single sound around him. Nothing. Gazing at the man in front of him, he saw the other speaking slowly.

“ _Read my lips.”_

“Okay.” He answered, and it was probably louder than it needed to be considering the way Hoseok laughed.

Flashes of mixed colors decorated his friend’s face, turning him into a best work of art than any painting he’d seen in museums. The older pointed at the sky, but he looked more interesting.

Fireworks were, for sure, the great and the dumbest invention of mankind. It had the ability of creating temporary sparks, but were very loud. Hyungwon felt bad not only for him, but for all the animals out there that got scared to death when one of those were shot. He’d usually watch the fireworks from New Year’s even on YouTube, with the sound off. It was still beautiful.

Even though the headphones didn’t completely erase the sound of the explosions above their heads, it didn’t make Hyungwon want to jump out of his skin; it was like the world had been turned down a bit for him to be able to have this moment. Seeing it live and not wanting to run away was something new, something that made him want to shout how happy he was. Hyungwon wasn’t one of these people, you see. He’d expect it from Minhyuk or the younger boys, but never thought he’d have this kind of impulse. Or feel this type of happiness.

Hoseok poked his arm, and went back to read his lips. _“Did you like it?”_

He burst into laughter, nodding.

The firework show didn’t last for much longer, unfortunately. It disappeared without a trace, like it’d never been there.

Taking off the headphones, he faced the older. “I didn’t know you had a noisy-cancelling headphone. It’s nice.”

Hoseok moved up to sit properly; he was almost laying down on the rock. “I bought it before we came to my parent’s house. For you.”

“Why?”

“Because you like fireworks, and I-”

A loud blast in the sky made Hyungwon shriek, his instinct leading to cover his ears with his hands. He felt himself slipping down from where he was sitting.

Hoseok took the headphone on Hyungwon’s lap and, pushing his hands out the way, put on him again. An arm wrapping around his waist avoided the younger’s fall.      

_“Are you okay?”_

“That was scary! Jesus… I need a minute.”

That’s the thing about intimacy: after a while, you hardly notice all the times you got too close to someone. These almost empty spaces begged to be filled by their bodies, as if the world would crash and burn if it didn’t happen. It was safe in his arms, Hyungwon concluded.

_“Hyungwon.”_

Now he was aware he was shouting. “What?”

_“I’m in love with you.”_

Sure, Hyungwon wasn’t the best lip reader; Korean words often made sentences confused, with double meanings; a delight to people who likes to make bad jokes (Kihyun). He just misread what Hoseok said, that was it.

Looking back to the sky, he noticed the fireworks were gone. His hands went to his face, removing the headphone.

“I didn’t understand what you said.”

“I said I’m in love with you.”

And that was the second time Hyungwon almost fell of that huge ass rock, if not for Hoseok’s arm reaching him on time.

“Why… What?”

Hoseok took a deep breath. “I don’t know why, or when. But I am, very much in love with you.”

It was absurd. “Why would you _like_ me?”

“Because you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met.” He paused, like he was carefully choosing his words. “Not just your face, but the entire thing. All of you.”

As the silence between them took more and more space, the older spoke again. “I see, I understand if you don’t like me like that, I-I just… couldn’t not say. I felt like… I felt like I was suffocating. Just… Don’t push me away because of this, please.”

The arm that involved his waist began to retreat, and Hyungwon didn’t know what he was doing.

“No.” The raven-haired replied securing the other’s grip on him, and he didn’t know what he was doing. “I… I never… had this-this thing… I don’t know how to… I don’t know if, if this in my chest is the same on yours. How are you… so certain?”

“Do you want to be certain?”

_No._

“Yes.”

Nature, wind, sky; everything felt smaller. Their bodies were completed sealed and their surroundings disappeared, just like that. Hyungwon never was more scared in his entire life, but Hoseok’s hand under his chin felt like it was made to be there; since birth, before his birth; that was it’s finality, it was it’s mission. The entire experience felt like floating in space and not dying from the lack of oxygen, because it was alright, Hoseok got his back.

Touching lips was something. _Something_ , there wasn’t another word to define it. Science needed yet to discover what that feeling was and label it; it was bigger than excitement, than joy, than care. It wasn’t like the sensation of getting the highest score in a test, nor even what he felt minutes ago watching the fireworks lit up and vanish in the sky. Hyungwon felt like he was waiting for this moment his entire life. No, in his previous lives too. He was born and died with the hope that one day he’d get this — Hoseok’s cold lips on his, bodies almost becoming one body for there wasn’t space between them anymore. Thinking about, he had a hunch that the fireworks materialized in his stomach, and for once in this entire time, it was okay. It felt good.

His hands were still clutching Hoseok’s parka when the older pulled away. Hyungwon felt empty again.

Love was a topic that wasn’t that present in the raven-haired’s life, since he still lived with his parents. It became secondary, something he would watch in movies or dramas, but it didn’t cause on him the impact that had on most people. Hyungwon thought it was fine, all of this love _thing_. He just never thought of experiencing it himself.

So he did the thing he didn’t know why he was doing and grabbed the older’s face, kissing him back this time. Not even the explosion of all the stars in the universe could top this _something_.

 

 

“So, is this one of the things we won’t talk about it and pretend that nothing happened?”

His hands stopped working on taking his parka off, currently sitting on Hoseok’s bed. He looked up at the older, leaning on the wall near the bathroom and facing the ground.

“I have an answer. A final answer.”

The frown in his face disappeared, but he still looked scared. “You do?”

The answer was written everywhere. In all the nights they shared a bed, in all the times he’d always buy an extra cup of coffee, even when he realized Hoseok wasn’t there. It was written in the way that he made Hyungwon feel a bit little less like a pile of shit, because he was sure the older was some sort of magician; it’d require a miracle for these kind of things. The list was too vast and the longing was ingrained in his veins, so he made it simple.

Hoseok’s back hit the wall when the younger got up and threw his arms around his neck, capturing his lips for the third time that night. It was more intense, it was hungry. The ghosts of all these months in oblivion demanded more, and more, and more.

“Hyungwon.” The other pulled his arms down, but didn’t let go. “Tell me, for real. Tell me what you want.”

The younger smiled, closing his eyes for a bit.

“Nothing but you.”

 

 

“Hyungwon.” The voice that called him was so intrinsic that felt like his own. He didn’t want to open his eyes, but that mouth that was just centimeters away from his was a powerful force.

“Hmm.”

“My family knows. I mean, that we were faking it.”

His eyes were fully open now.

“How?”

Hoseok shrugged. “I don’t know. My parents always know stuff.”

“Then you knew they would know we were faking it?”

“The chances were high, I admit.”

Of course he had to slap the older in the arm.

“Ouch! How else I’d find a way to tell you everything I told you?”

“What did you tell me?”

The red-haired didn’t stutter this time.

“That I’m in love with you.”

 

 

 

DAY 04

Waking up with Hyungwon in his arms wasn’t something new, but this time was different. Hyungwon was in his arms because he liked him, the same way Hoseok liked the boy. Kissing him was, honestly, like dying and coming back to life back and forth; and it was worth it every damn time.

“Hyungwonnie.” He murmured on the younger’s nape, words going into his skin. “Wake up.”

“No. The dream will be over.”

Arm still around the other’s waist as they cuddled, he propped up his chin with his elbow to stare down at Hyungwon.

“What are you dreaming about?”

“You. Me. Together. It’ll end. I don’t want to.”

Thanking whoever God out there that gave him strength to hold his chuckle, Hoseok lied down again to kiss the boy’s neck.

“I’m real. You too. I still want you, and I’ll want you tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and next week, and next month-”

Hyungwon turned around to face him, with a fed up expression.

“God, you’re too cheesy. I’m canceling this.”

Hoseok pouted. “You can’t! Shall I repeat what you said last night? When you said you wanted nothing but me?”

Rubbing his eyes to stay awake, the younger laughed.

“You will never shut up about this, will you?”

“Nope. I’ll get it printed on a banner, then put on an outdoor, maybe.”

Slipping out of the covers, Hyungwon made his way to the bathroom.

“Get up and brush your teeth and I, _maybe_ , just maybe, might kiss you again.”

Hoseok never felt so happy to leave his bed.

 

 

_WONSEOK IS REAL_

_[12:23 pm]_

**Puppy** : IM SCREAMING

 **Puppy** : LITERALLY

 **Puppy** : AND CRYING

 **Puppy** : THIS IS WHAT I DESERVE

 **Agent Gun** : WHAT

 **Puppy** : ITS REAL

 **Puppy** : WONSEOK IS REAL

 **Agent Gun** : DON’T PLAY WITH MY FEELINGS LEE MINHYUK WHERE ARE THE RECEIPTS

 **Bear hyung** : I already calmed down so ill sent the screenshot through min’s phone wait a sec

_Puppy sent a screenshot._

**Agent Gun** : I GOTTA HEAD OUT TO BUY ALCOHOL WE GOTTA POP THE BIGGEST BOTTLES THOSE SPARKLING WINE SHIT THEY KISSED MY GAYSSSSSS

 **Honeybee** : FUCKING FINALLY

 **Honeybee** : i love how hoseok hyung said “this is the best day of my life and now i can die in peace. but like, i want to die old, not now.”

 **Puppy** : “i love one (1) man and that’s chae hyungwon” – shin hoseok, oil on canvas, 2017

 **Overlord** : YALL BITCHES WONT BELIEVE WHAT HYUNGWON JUST TEXTED ME

 **Puppy** : SPILL

 **Agent Gun** : KIHYUN THIS IS A CRUCIAL MOMENT

 **Maknae** : I WOKE UP WITH KIHYUN SCREAMING AND WONSEOK IS REAL NOW I REALLY BELIEVE IN MY HEART THAT WE’LL SUCCEED IN KILLING TRUMP AND HAVING WORLD PEACE

 **Overlord** : stay quiet before i kick u out of bed i gotta write

 **Overlord** : Hyungwon’s words, i shit you guys not

 **Overlord** : “I think I liked him since the day I met him for the second time, I just didn’t know what liking someone felt like.”

 **Agent Gun** : THE MOST OBLIVIOUS BITCH IN THE WORLD SMH

 **Puppy** :

 

 **Puppy** : IM CRYING AGAIN LOOK AT THEM HOSEOK FEEDS ME WITH SO MUCH #WONSEOKCONTENT I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND

 **Bear hyung:** I feel like my skin was cleansed my bills were paid my crops are prospering and I don’t even have crops

 **Agent Gun** : im surprised hyungwon is up for selfies in the morning but they say love changes people amirite

 **Agent Gun** : FUCK IT THEYRE ADORABLE I WANT TO BE THE GODFATHER TO THEIR BABIES

 **Honeybee** : now Gun is the one crying here

 **Honeybee** : look at wonseok did to us

 **Overlord** : i feel like an idol who just had their first win

 **Maknae** : a big win for dem gays

 **Bear hyung** : what did i say abt the fake dating thing, it works every time

 **Maknae** : i shall never doubt your wisdom again, oldest gay

 

 

Shifting in bed, after lunch, Hoseok questioned him. “Do you think the others know?”

“Did you tell anyone? I only told Kihyun.”

The older laughed. “I told Minhyuk.”

“Then everybody knows.”

Glancing at his window, he let out a yell. “Hyungwon, look! It’s the first snow.”

Under him, Hyungwon already looked fed up.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Shin Hoseok.”

“Before I held youuuuuu, I didn’t know that the world I was in was this briiiiiiightttttttttt…”

“I hate you.”

“I liked it so much watching over youuuuuu, my heart fluttering, even when I was ridiculously jealous, all of those ordinary mooooooooments…”

“I hope Ailee sues your ass.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys. this chapter is earlier than normal because, well, you guys know what happened.  
> jonghyun is my bias in shinee, and one of my favorite soloists of all time. it's hitting me really hard, it doesnt feel real. i hope that, wherever he is, he's free from the pain he felt here. i love you, jonghyun, i always will. you did well in this life, thank you.
> 
> if you are struggling, please call someone. even if just a hotline. http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> i can't do much about this, im even avoiding twitter bc i dont want to read about this. this chapter is dedicated to jonghyun, because that much i can do. the title is from SHINee's Prism. 
> 
> see you next week, kids
> 
> (the other songs mentioned are Gravity - Monsta X and I Will Go To You Like The First Snow - Ailee.)


	8. Tell Me About Forever, Just One More Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *bursts through your door with a piña colada in one hand singing I TREAT IT SO SPECIAL NOW UR HO JEALOUS*  
> YALL THOUGHT  
> yall thought i'd leave yall hanging on jesus sunbaenim's bday  
> here's a lil thing for yall as a gift  
> merry christmas or just happy holidays if u dont celebrate it; from me and hyungwon, hoseok, minhyuk, hyunwoo, jooheon, changkyun, gunhee and kihyun. thanks for the nice comments and kudos yall too good for me
> 
> p.s.: there's a v graphic description of a panic attack near the end of the chapter, so if u want to skip it u can (and should) take care my children
> 
> also this is the end of the "Tell Me" trilogy (i didnt plan it but anyway), i hope u guys like it. the title this time is from BTS' Best Of Me (*holds falsetto note* youve got the best of meeeeeee)
> 
> enjoy (or not)

“Mom, Dad, please tell me you’re not doing this to him.”

His mother leaned a bit more over the kitchen table. “Well? Someone not biased might be a good option this time.”

Closing the fridge door and standing beside his wife, his father looked excited.

“So, are you ready?”

Hoseok loved this parents to death, that was undeniable. They raised and made him into the man he was; he owed them practically everything in his life. However, they were a very competitive couple, which got worse with time. This was so intense that the first time his parents met, they didn’t like each other because they started an argument at an arcade. About a silly game.

Annually, it happened what Hoseok and his sisters called “Hell Hour”, which was their parents (not so much) healthy competition about who’d make the best ice cream cake for the Christmas dinner. There was absolutely no way to please both of them; once his father didn’t talk with Hoseok’s mother for an entire day after they had a discussion about this dispute. No one had the guts to talk them out of that craziness.  

Now, there was Hyungwon, poor Hyungwon. The two of them had come back from a walk to the park with Siwoo, and with one look at the turmoil in the kitchen, Hoseok knew their peace wouldn’t last. He just hoped that his family didn’t scare Hyungwon away, for Christ’s sake.

“Hyungwonnie, you don’t need to do this just because my parents asked you to.”

Sitting on one of the table chairs, Hyungwon looked up at him and snorted.

“Is this very important?”

 _The adorable giant turtle._ The red-haired sighed. “Just eat a bit of both cakes and say what you think about it, okay?

“Sure.”

Sohee poked him in the stomach with her elbow and started whispering. “Are you ready for mom and dad to terrify the shit out of your little boyfriend?”

He rolled his eyes. “Can you not?”

His oldest sister stuck her head behind Sohee’s back to avoid their parents’ scolding. “Boy, not even Jiho passed the Hell Hour, you should be scared.”

Hoseok remembered. Jiho, his brother-in-law, was one of the countless victims of their parents’ competitive side; when the man visited for Christmas for the first time and went through the Hell Hour, Jiho didn’t know it was a no-win scenario. Sehee once told him that her husband got truly startled for a while after that day.

_Oh, boy._

His dad’s cake was a very detailed one; a little house and universally known Christmas elements were also edible. Everything made of chocolate and strawberries, because it was Siwoo’s favorite. Hyungwon stuffed his mouth with one slice of it.

The atmosphere could be cut with a knife. The raven-haired boy seemed to be enjoying himself, mostly because he wasn’t seeing Hoseok and his sisters’ faces of terror.

Drinking a glass of water, he proceeded to taste his mother’s cake. You see, Hoseok’s mother was firm believer that less is more. Her specialty was a red velvet ice cream cake, and the woman has been improving her receipt in the past years. She put a slice of her ice cream cake in front of Hyungwon.

Eating slowly and pondering something at the same time, the younger didn’t seem nervous. _For now, at least._

“So, I have to which one is better?”

Suran snorted loudly at his friend’s question. “Yes, Hyungwon-ah. Good luck.”

The younger looked up to face Hoseok’s parents, that seemed apprehensive for the answer. They barely moved a finger.

“I see. I think they complement each other.”

His mother frowned. “What?” She cleared her throat. “I mean… What do you mean?”

“I think you should turn the two cakes into one. While the red velvet looks pretty with the layers on the inside and tastes fluffy, if it had more cocoa in the receipt it’d feel more… warm and cozy. The decoration of the chocolate cake is really adorable, and with the chocolate topping everything would be perfect. The strawberries could be left in a bowl near the cake, I don’t think everybody wants that much sweet stuff in their mouths.”

There was a certain staggered silence in the air, and Hyungwon turned around to face the older, looking a bit concerned.

“Did I say something wrong?” Silence. He swiveled in the chair to face Hoseok’s parents.  “I’m sorry, I don’t really know anything about-”

“It’s okay, darling.” His mother was the first to utter something.

The man beside her still contemplated Hyungwon’s input. “I don’t think it’s a bad idea.”

A loud and wholehearted “WHAT?” was voiced by Hoseok and his sisters.

While their father grabbed a spoon and took a little piece of his wife’s cake and mixed it with the topping of his own creation, his mother switched positions to do the same. After a while and a vigorous nod, his mom spoke again. “Wow. It tastes really nice. And I never really liked red velvet with too much cocoa in the topping but yours, dear… it’s really nice.”

Mouth agape, the Shin siblings stared at their parents in disbelief. _What is happening?_

“Oh…” Turning around on the chair, Hyungwon spoke again. He looked a bit uncomfortable. “I wasn’t supposed to rant, right? Did I ruin something?”

Hoseok wanted to laugh, but was too distracted by the vision happening in front of his eyes.

His dad smiled at the raven-haired as he and his wife took their aprons off and started heading out of the kitchen. “I like it that way. Thanks, Hyungwon. Let’s go, we gotta grab more ingredients for the new cake.”

Cautiously getting up, the taller boy bowed a bit towards the competitive couple. “No… problem?”

It didn’t help Hyungwon’s nerves to calm down the fact that his sisters kept staring at him, still not really certain of what just happened. There wasn’t a single yell, Hoseok understood their fear. As for himself, the red-haired couldn’t help but do it too. _Where was this man my entire life?_ Suran was the first to let out a chuckle.

“Someone call the Vatican, Hyungwon is officially a fucking saint and we’ve just witnessed a miracle.”

Sehee uncrossed her arms to hug Hyungwon; the latter still didn’t comprehend what was unfolding there. His oldest sister kept her gaze at the younger boy for some solid seconds.

“Can you hear this magnificent silence? No screams? This is the best Christmas ever. Thank you, Hyungwon-ah.”

“You’re… welcome?” Almost pouting without noticing, the younger directed his confused stare at him. “I don’t understand, Hoseok.”

God, his heart was weaker than he imagined. Hoseok couldn’t just not smile at him like the other man was the one responsible for the stars in the sky. His hand found the way to one of Hyungwon’s, and he kissed the back of it.

“You did good, Hyungwonnie.”

“Aaaaand that’s our cue to leave.” Sohee declared, pushing her sisters out of the way. “I already feel too single; I don’t need the help of these lovebirds.”

His sisters, never letting him live, as always. At least they got a laugh out of Hyungwon, and the older couldn’t help but to laugh too; looking at him, Hoseok wanted to smile all the time, wanted to kiss him all the time. In a certain way, it was a bit weird to feel something so intense towards someone, it meant to be completely vulnerable. He couldn’t bring himself to care much about it, though. Everything was less important when compared to the way his hands were made to be entwined with the boy’s hands.

“Care to tell me what just happened?”

“You see, my dear.” God, Hoseok didn’t want to speak. He wanted to kiss him.

So he did.

Pushing him back a bit, Hyungwon seemed alarmed. “What if someone see us… _like this_?”

The older chuckled, hands under the other’s chin, letting out a murmur into the other’s mouth. “So what?”

If he were to explain how he felt when kissing Hyungwon, it’d probably take his entire life to do it properly. Out of all the things in Earth, the love he felt, flowing back and forth between them as their lips touched, was an event of fundamental precision; every single sensation felt like doing something heroic; flames everywhere, never noticing that he’d always reach a new level of falling, but he never doubted it’s worth. Looking back now, his addiction to the fall even knowing he’d hit the ground alone and broken was, somehow, an illusion; he had wings and when he finally started flying, the only thing he could see was Hyungwon. That’s when he knew he was gone for good, his weak knees and careful approaches were nothing but evidence that his heart had a new owner.

Loving him was probably the bravest thing Hoseok ever chose to do. However, when they stayed like this, when he looked at the man in front of him, when he got to embrace him, away from the dangers of the world, there was nothing that could convince him to go back in time and stop himself from meeting Hyungwon, from becoming friends with Hyungwon, from falling in love with Hyungwon. Every single thing they went through solidified the core of their relationship; it was as it should be.

“I’m sleepy.” Eyes still close, the younger’s soft lips traveled up and down his face.

Scrunching up his nose, Hoseok laughed. “When are you not?”

“When I’m sleeping.”

 

 

_WONSEOK IS REAL_

_[17:31 pm]_

**Overlord** : so……….

 **Puppy** : I KNO

 **Honeybee** : i don’t know

 **Honeybee** : WHAT

 **Overlord** : hyungwon just became a legend in the shin family™

 **Agent Gun** : exPLAIN

 **Puppy** : hoseok’s parents have this thing where they compete every year to see who makes the best ice cream cake for christmas

 **Puppy** : they get their kids to taste the stuff

 **Puppy** : it usually ends up in yelling and things on fire

 **Agent Gun** : tf

 **Honeybee** : said the man who fought with a child at the grocery store today

 **Agent Gun** : IT WAS FOR THE LAST BAG OF MY FAVORITE CHIPS

 **Agent Gun** : THAT KID WAS A LIL SHIT

 **Overlord** : stfu

 **Overlord** : so, hyungwon actually got them to agree to do a cake together and

 **Puppy** : hoseok was like WOW PLS MARRY ME (in his head)

 **Puppy** : and yall doubted my ice sculptured heart

 **Overlord** : what hyungwon sent me: “idk what happened but he kissed me so i'm good”

 **Bear hyung** : my poor wonseok heart

 **Agent Gun** : this is better than the dramas on tv rn

 **Maknae** : have i said that kihyun’s mom is the funniest person in the world

 **Puppy** : that’s random but k

 **Maknae** : she tells the best corny jokes ive ever heard im in heaven

 **Overlord** : my dad and i kept facepalming during the entire lunch

 **Agent Gun** : look at us all grown up and doing relationships and shit

 **Maknae** : i always did shit in my life but now i do shit w/ kihyun

 **Bear hyung** : tmi

 **Puppy** : im changkyun, a poet

 **Honeybee** : release the “shit with kihyun” mixtape

 **Maknae** : heres the cover bro

**Puppy** : who in hell took this pic

 **Overlord** : my mom

 **Overlord** : shes insane she thought it’d be a hilarious pose delete this

 **Bear hyung** : didn’t know u were this flexible @Maknae

 **Maknae** : dont feed my sexual innuendos, hyung

 **Maknae** : kihyun is ready to slap me

 **Puppy** : is this a kink

 **Agent Gun** : i was trying to be cool and mature talking abt relationships and yall turned it into this mess

 **Honeybee** : again, said the man who fought with a kid 4 hrs ago

 **Agent Gun** : technically aint illegal to call a toddler an asshole

 

 

DAY 05

Most of his life, Hyungwon was conditioned to obey without arguing; at some point, it became tiring to even think about doing it. He’d do what was asked of him on autopilot, it became a second nature. Yes, he was desperate for attention most of the time — he was only human — but also wanted everybody to fuck off at the same time. The day Hyungwon managed to comprehend his brain it’d be a fucking wonder. He’d always worry too much about being a hassle, and everything that wasn’t of one’s free will wasn’t needed.

Hyungwon woke up with the noise coming from the red-haired’s incessant typing on his laptop. If it was someone else, he’d probably have attempted murder. But it was Hoseok, so instead he decided to bug the shit out of the man. Currently with his laptop on his lap and some books scattered around him, the older was trying to finish a paper.

“Gimme 20 minutes and I’ll be done.”

The younger whined. “But I want to sleep.”

“Then sleep.”

Hoseok barely took his eyes off the screen, so didn’t get to see Hyungwon pouting. Aegyo wouldn’t do.

“But I want to sleep with you.” The man finally cocked his head to look at him, frustrated. “You’re trying to finish this for like, two hours. Do later.”

“It’ll make things easier after the break, just gimme-”

“No.” Hyungwon pushed the device off him and closed it. “I want attention.”

The older didn’t flinch. “Give it back, Hyungwon.”

“Give what back?”

“The la-”

After receiving all the teasing during the past days, it felt good to be the one who did it. Hoseok didn’t have time to even finish his sentence before the younger was already sitting on his lap.

“What do you prefer?” The question came with a smirk as he threw his arms around the man’s neck, with one leg on each side of him. “Don’t I look better on your lap than your computer?”

The older groaned, burying his head on his shoulder. “This is _so_ not fair.”

Hyungwon had to laugh. “I can leave if you want to.”

As he jokingly began to retreat, a loud yelp from his throat echoed through the room when Hoseok flipped him and lied him on his back, one leg on each side of Hyungwon’s body.

“Everything else matters less than you.”

Jesus Christ, that cheesy man was going to be the death of him. At least, Hyungwon still had his kisses, his touch, his eyes gazing at him. Never in his life he thought that liking someone felt that dazzling; the intensity of this outshined every single thing around them.

“You should be writing TV dramas, you enormous cornball.”

The red-haired tilted his head, still staring at him. A grin appeared on his face. “You look more handsome from this angle.”

_A classic._

“You’ve said that before.” As if he’d done this countless times before, his arms found the place they were destined to be: on Hoseok. When Hyungwon pushed him down, the other made a face that indicated that he wasn’t following it.

“Really?”

“You were drunk.” Hands on his nape, the raven-haired observed the older closing his eyes with his touch. “You were sitting on my bed and said that.”

Now that there was barely any space between them, the other seemed convinced. “Well, you’re handsome from every angle.”

Their kisses were like a painting; sometimes it’d be messy and without a clear meaning, but Hyungwon felt like he was outside his body watching everything, imprinting every single frame of them inside his head. Sometimes, they’d kiss and it’d seem to last days; where his tongue began and the other’s mouth ended was a mystery none of them cared enough to find out. It was a masterpiece by itself, not even a single detail of their bodies was left out of the scene. Hoseok’s hands on him left marks that would last forever, even if the tomorrow didn’t come for them. That was the something the younger man was thrilled by — the way Hoseok smiled while kissing him, the way he’d, sometimes, stop their kisses to say something dumb, Hoseok’s arms wrapping around his waist, hands travelling up and down his back; everything about him called Hyungwon to his depths, made him want more and more of that _something_.

A moan escaped his mouth when Hoseok pulled apart, only to have his neck attacked by him.

“Hoseok, don’t-”

The man knew about his influence over him, and that was the worst part. The slim man couldn’t help but slap him in the arm. The little shit still chuckled.

“You moaned so prettily I wanted to hear it again.”

“Do not… Oh, fuck.”

It was humanly impossible to contain another moan, even though he did manage to tone it down by biting his own lip. Hyungwon’s fingers intuitively found a path to the older’s hair, which earned a guttural sound out of the man over him. As Hoseok’s mouth made it’s way down the raven-haired’s neck, Hyungwon could feel the older’s teeth slowly scratching his skin. _Fucking hell._

“Don’t gimme a… Fuck, don’t…”

Pulling apart again, with one hand of each side of the younger, the red-haired finally stopped to listen to him. “Don’t what?”

He had to learn how to breath properly again. “Don’t give me a hickey, idiot.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” He didn’t quite have an argument; he’d usually bullshit his way through conversations.

Hoseok suddenly looked preoccupied, putting a bit more distance between them. “Do you want to slow things down a bit?”

“It’s not that. I just don’t want your family to hear me moaning.”

A sneeze relaxed his expression. “I should’ve made you moan my name a long time ago. Soooooo pretty.”

 _I like him so much it feels like dying and being born all over again._ It still felt a bit unreal to be in his arms like this, more than that, it felt dreamlike to be with him. His hidden magic powers made Hyungwon feel so peaceful, and yet every corner of his body burned. During the course of his life so far, he’d never thought he’d experience something like this; as a matter of fact, he was resigned to the fact he was going to die alone.

“Hey.” As Hoseok leaned into his hand caressing his cheek, Hyungwon smiled. “Thank you. Thank you very much.”

The other didn’t bother to open his eyes. “For what?”

“Everything. For being my friend, for caring about me. For making me experience good things. Thank you for liking me, for kissing me, for sharing your bed with me. Thank you, Hoseok. I’m glad I was with you in all of this, because it’s you. Thank you for being born, thank you for finding me.”

If asked, the raven-haired man himself didn’t know why he said that; it just felt the right thing to do. The way Hoseok stared at him, somehow, made him feel something bittersweet inside his chest. Mainly because he could see the man’s eyes watering, and he panicked a few seconds.

“Are you crying?” The anxiety running through his nerves begged for him to sit down. Cross-legged, he reached out to bring him closer. “Shit, please, please don’t cry, I won’t say things like that again.”

Carefully leaving Hyungwon’s embrace, Hoseok tried to hold his tears back. He was failing.

“No, it’s not, it’s not that. I’m just… really happy. I’m so happy I don’t know… I just like you so much, and I’ll like you even more tomorrow, and even more next month, and much, much more next year, even if I die today, I’ll keep liking you and I’ll wait for you again.”

Peppering the older’s face with quick pecks, Hyungwon wanted everything else to stop. He didn’t need anything else to happen to him. Everything as perfectly good as they were at that moment, the one he wanted to live in forever with Hoseok.

With a chuckle, the raven-haired spoke again. “God, that escalated quickly to Lame Town.”

“You’re the Mayor of Lame Town, Hyungwon.”

“Said the President of the Lame Country.”

 

 

_WONSEOK IS REAL_

_[19:16 pm]_

**Puppy** : hoseok is cryin rn

 **Agent Gun** : nothing new

 **Honeybee** : ?

 **Puppy** : wonnie thanked him for being born and finding him

 **Puppy** : half of his texts are “i like him so much im gonna marry the shit outta him someday”

 **Puppy** : again, praise my ice sculptured heart thou mortals

 **Maknae** : what the fuck? we’re definitely on a tv drama

 **Overlord** : boy……………………..

 **Overlord** : never in 16 years i heard hyungwon saying shit like this

 **Overlord** : this is the realest

 **Honeybee** : i cant wait to see them again and see them being all loveydovey

 **Puppy** : yall wanna start a bet on who’s gonna say ily first, ₩10,000

 **Bear hyung** : hoseok ofc

 **Agent Gun** : i think its gonna be hoseok too

 **Overlord** : mark my words

 **Maknae** : which mark has your words, the lee or the tuan?

 **Overlord** : im forbidding u to talk to my mother again

 **Overlord** : anyways, mark my words

 **Overlord** : its gonna be hyungwon and itll be in the most random moment

 **Maknae** : im with my mans

 **Agent Gun** : *whip sound effect*

 **Overlord** : shall i remember u that last week u crossed the campus in the middle of the night bc jooheon didn’t send u a goodnight text and u thought he was like, dead

 **Agent Gun** : in my defense,

 **Bear hyung** : shut up yall

 **Bear hyung** : min said he’s betting on hoseok too

 **Honeybee** : me too

 **Maknae** : so, its joogun and minwoo betting on hoseok hyung and changki betting on hyungwon

 **Honeybee** : the fact that we have ship names too should make me uncomfortable

 **Agent Gun** : hoseok that big ball of feels aint letting me down

 **Honeybee** : same

 **Bear hyung** : may the best man win

 **Puppy** : i love christmas spirit

 **Maknae** : but the real question is

 **Maknae** : who tops

 **Overlord** : dw i already drop kicked him out the window

 **Agent Gun** : thank for ur service

 

 

DAY 06

“You know, it’s just one new person. You’re gonna be fine, everybody loves you.”

Scoffing, Hyungwon kept pacing around the room.

“What if they finally realize I’m a prick? I can’t argue with that.”

Until the last day, it was a mystery if Sehee’s husband, Jiho, would make it home for the Christmas’s eve. He traveled a lot due his work — he was a lawyer for a multinational or something Hoseok didn’t bother remembering — and usually, he’d appear in the Christmas morning with presents for Siwoo and his wife.

It was a good surprise the fact that Hyungwon adapted so fast to his family members; the younger would go out of the room without needing his company and even chatted with his mother in the kitchen sometimes. He did not look very at ease in the moment, though.

“Stop that. Jiho hyung is very nice, and you’re nice too. Except when you slap me in the forehead, especially when we’re making out.”

Hyungwon stopped walking to glare at him. “That’s what you deserve.” 

“I’m serious, baby.”

“ _Baby?_ Pet names?”

“Should I call you Mr. Chae?”

The taller man made a face of disgust.

“God, no, that’s what they call my father. I’ll take the ‘baby’.”

“Okay, baby. You’re going to be just fine. We can always come back here if you feel uncomfortable. But I don’t think you will. Come here.”

Sitting down beside him, Hyungwon’s hands were still shaking. Hoseok wished he could make all of that go away in a blink of an eye; it made him want to embrace the other and never let go. As Hoseok wrapped one arm around the other’s waist to hug him, he kept muttering words of reassurance.

“I said I wouldn’t let anyone or anything bother you, remember? I’m here. It’ll be fine.”

Hyungwon seemed already tired. “Okay.”

 

 

_Bi the gay_

_[19:29 pm]_

**Gun(shots)** : merry christmas to yall from us

 **Gun(shots)** :

**Hamster Overlord** : jooheonnie: a beautiful smol angel

 **Hamster Overlord** : gun: hee

 **Hyunglost** : tru

 **Puppy** : the christmas spirit is strong with this one

 **I.M** : he spent the day stress cleaning bc of his final project

 **I.M** : hes a cute pic of us for yall

 **I.M** :

 

 **50% protein 50% tears** : why u two lookin so cute its really a christmas miracle

 **Puppy** : lmao and i thought the food was the only thing roasting today

 **Puppy** : should i kill it with the cutest pic

 **Hyunglost** : no

 **Puppy** :

**50% protein 50% tears** : minhyuk u adorable son of a bitch

 **Bear hyung** : when did u took this i didn’t notice

 **Puppy** : like 2 min ago when u were playing candy crush

 **I.M** : hyunwoo hyung the last man standing

 **Joohoney** : we all know he’s going to go there right

 **Hamster Overlord** : changkyun is ready to stop me

 **Bear hyung** : from what

 **Hamster Overlord** : stop me from throwing my phone on the wall

 **Joohoney** : you brought this upon ourselves

 **Hyunglost** :

**Agent Gun** : THIS IS THE BIRTHDAY OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST HAVE SOME RESPECT

 **Joohoney** : if he punched me in the face it’d be better

 **I.M** : ki just yelled ““““THAT FUCKING OVERGROWN TADPOLE””””

 **I.M** : his phone is confiscated til he calms down

 **Hyunglost** : Good

 **Hyunglost** : Merry Christmas my friends

 **50% protein 50% tears** : i have tears in my eyes

 **Hyunglost** : My job is done

 **Bear hyung** : hyungwon-ah this is very unfair you know we can’t top a selfie of yours

 **Puppy** : i feel personally attacked

 **Hyunglost** : don’t bring a cute picture to a selfie fight, bitches 

 

 

“I’m saving the shit out of that picture.”

Hyungwon chuckled, sitting on the living room’s couch, with his head on his shoulder. The younger moved around a bit to put his phone on his pocket.

“You’re a bunch of idiots.”

 

 

Sehee’s husband arrived almost at 8; his family waited for him to eat, which meant that they were starving and didn’t care much about nothing but food when the man made his entrance. Hyungwon himself barely interacted with Jiho; he was to occupied stuffing his mouth with three different side dishes. Actually, all of them were too absorbed on filling their mouths with food to chat. After a while, the silence was broken.

“Hoseokkie, it has been a while.” His brother-in-law spoke first, helping feeding Siwoo. The man seemed happy to be home. “How have you been?”

Hoseok had to wait a bit while chewing his dinner to be able to answer.

“I’m great, hyung. And you?”

“Of course he’s great, honey, have you seen Hyungwon-ah?”

_Goddamnit, Sehee._

Eyeing the boy focused on his plate beside him, the red-haired saw Hyungwon freeze as if someone was pointing a gun at him.

At least his sister’s husband didn’t notice the awkwardness in the air. He beamed at the boy, holding out a hand for him. “We haven’t been really introduced. I’m Kang Jiho, Siwoo’s dad and Sehee’s husband.”

The raven-haired got up his chair so fast Hoseok thought he’d slipped off it. The taller was trying his best to display a smile before bowing to his brother-in-law.

“I’m Hyungwon. Chae Hyungwon. I’m Hoseok’s…”

The younger looked mortified, for some reason. Suran intervened, as always.

“He’s Hoseok’s boyfriend. He passed the Hell Hour, can you believe, oppa?”

Sitting at head of the table, his dad sneezed. “You all are so dramatic.”

Jiho was utterly surprised. “Really? I thought that was impossible. Chae isn’t really a common surname, but I can’t remember where I’ve heard it before.”

“My… I’m… I-I-Pleasure to meet you.”

His hyung snorted quietly. “No need to be formal with me, Hyungwon. My family already told me they like you very much, so you’re family too.”

“Uncle Hyungwon is prettier than Uncle Hoseok, right, papa?”

Siwoo’s input made the table burst into laughter, and even Hoseok couldn’t hold it back.

Watching Hyungwon go back to his chair, Hoseok took a sip of his. “Siwoo-ah, I’d be mad if it wasn’t true.”

The boy didn’t even look up from his food to answer. “You’re still the best teddy bear, Uncle Hoseok.”

 

 

After the non-too disastrous dinner and meeting Sehee’s husband, Hyungwon felt himself more relaxed. The man was really nice and outspoken, and not even for a second said or did something to make him uncomfortable. Sure, Hoseok was right. Things would be just fine. Hyungwon’s tendency to overthink was going to kill him one day.

Once they finished eating, Hoseok’s mom yelled from the living room that it was time to open the presents. Hyungwon didn’t know the memo for these type of events, so he just followed Hoseok.

“Come on!” Hoseok’s dad shouted, making them all hurry up to the location. “I’m feeling lucky this year, you guys should give me this happiness before I die.”

Strolling behind Hoseok, Hyungwon got at the living room and saw his mother punching her husband in the biceps.

“No one is dying, silly man.” Turning her head towards the rest of her family, she started waving her arms. “Come on, kids, if you don’t want to be late, hurry up!”

Suran stepped forward enthusiastically, grabbing two packages. She was followed by Siwoo, Sohee, Hoseok, Sehee and Jiho. They also received two wrapped gifts either. After a few seconds, Hyungwon realized he was just… kind of standing there, leaning against the entrance of the room. Now he felt a bit awkward again. Anyway, it’s was normal, wasn’t it? Not that was important.

Hoseok’s mother brought him back from his reveries.

“Hyungwon, sweetie. You’re the last one, come pick up yours.”

He blinked a couple of times, aware that he was frowning. “Excuse me, what?”

The oldest man in the room chuckled at his question, between the mayhem of his children unwrapping their presents. “Your gifts. They ain’t opening themselves.”

“Oh! Hyungwon-ah!” Suran shouted, scaring him a bit. “I loved the bracelet. Look, it’s the same as the ones the unnis got! It’s a sisters’ bracelet!”

“Are you… sure?” They could be just being polite; after all it wasn’t even him that picked up those things. “You can always swap for something more-”

“I loved, Hyungwon-ah!” Sehee was already putting hers on her wrist. “It’s really pretty, thank you.”

“Thank you, Hyungwon-ah!” Sohee yelled, lifting her arm to check how the bracelet looked from distance. She turned around to the rest of them. “As expected, Mom always give us the same stuff.”

“When did you bought this, Hyungwonnie?” Hoseok held an adult-sized bunny kigurumi. Hyungwon got it on his way back to the older’s parents’ house, after picking up his pajamas in the dorms. “It’s really cute, baby, thanks. But I didn’t…”

“You gave me the noisy-cancelling headphone, thank you.”

Suran faked a cough. “Mom, stop them from being too sweet or else we gonna die from hyperglycemia.”

The taller was making his way to the red-haired’s side when the latter’s father shouted again. “Wow! It’s the most beautiful watch I’ve ever seen with my own two eyes in the year of our Lord 2017. Thank you, Hyungwon-ah, I’ll use it well.”

Slightly bowing towards the man, he finally sat down on the couch with Siwoo by his right side and Hoseok on the other one. The toddler was currently unwrapping the Snorlax plushie he bought for the little boy. _Please, don’t let him hate it._

“WOW! IT’S BIG! MOOOOOOOOOM, IT’S BIG! AND FLUFFY! I’LL SLEEP ON IT FOREVER!”

Sehee almost facepalmed, but it was too adorable to do such thing. “Baby, first you have to thank Hyungwon for the present, have manners.”

Siwoo practically jumped on him, almost making him almost fall on the red-haired. All he could do was a laugh. “Thank you Uncle Hyungwon, you’re nice and cool.”

That made the raven-haired smile. “Do you like Pokemóns? I didn’t know which one to buy, but that seemed really fluffy. Glad you liked it.”

“I like all Pokemóns!” The boy yelled, more amused than never.

“Hyungwon, sweetie…” Hoseok’s mother made him turn his attention back to her, with the ruby necklace in her hands.

“Oh…” His stomach twisted in bad way. “Did I make I mistake? I really didn’t-”

“Oh no, darling.” She grinned at him, widely. “It’s beautiful, I’m honored. You’re a wonderful kid.”

That made him feel warm inside. Making people he liked happy was one of the few things that made Hyungwon feel a little bit less like a piece of shit. He bowed his head a bit to her, showing a rectangular smile.”

“Here, Hyungwon-ah.” Sehee handed him a box and an envelope. “You were taking a lifetime to unwrap those.”

“But…”

In one of the packages, there was a copy of Krys Lee’s Drifting House. He looked up at Hoseok, then back to his mother.

“I don’t… know what to say.”

The golden-haired woman smiled. “Hoseok told me you like books a lot, and this is one of my favorites this year, I hope you like it.”

Hyungwon already read that book as soon as it was released, but that had been a long time ago and a rereading wouldn’t be a bad thing.

The second package was pretty much what all the Shin siblings and Jiho received; a Christmas card with a couple won bills. Hyungwon stared at the thing in his hand and back at Hoseok’s family, and it didn’t just make _sense_. Why was he being treated like this? What did he ever do to deserve these things? He never deserved it before, _why now?_

Christmas at his house wasn’t even Christmas. Hyungwon’s parents weren’t even home in the Christmas eve; always some party or business encounter was on their schedule every time. For 18 years of his life, these end-of-the-year holidays meant nothing but having to occasionally attend private parties of his parent’s multimillionaire friends’, that didn’t give a shit about anything that wasn’t related to money. After a while, they stopped bringing him to these events; a part of him was thankful for that, at least in the loneliness of his room he could be himself, no masks needed. The other part of him always questioned himself if he was doing something wrong; all the other parents he knew displayed so much love towards their kids even when they did dumb things. Did he really fuck up at some point? Why wasn’t he worthy of a family gathering to exchange gifts, to have a nice dinner and wish nothing but the best to each other? It was him, definitely, the problem. If Hoseok or one of his sisters were his parent’s child, Hyungwon was sure they’d be treated like royalty; they’re witty and funny and lovable, everything Hyungwon _wasn’t_. Should love be earned too?

At that point, the raven-haired could feel an invisible hand securing a hold on his throat; the Shin family’s voices were far too distant for him to pick up who was the one talking at that moment. _Why do I have to feel like shit like this? Why am I like this, a weak and broken cheap doll?_

Hyungwon wanted to run away to the ends of the earth, to somewhere he could never be found again. Would he make it? Sure he wasn’t going to, but dying in that process didn’t sound so bad. _Why, why?_ His eyes hardly could focus on the things in front of him, but he made sure to not bump into anyone before darting across the living room, not even sure if he had been there all that time.

His body wanted nothing but to cry until he dehydrated, but for that he had to walk to a place he didn’t know if existed. Where did he felt safe? Not on his own mind, for sure. Hyungwon’s hand wanted to scratch his skin until everything he felt poured out of it, it’d be the only way he was going to be free. His feet barely noticed when it bumped into something that felt like glass, a glass door; his instinct knew it was a path to escape. All the way, he went.

Tripping on his own feet, the cold ground under him provided the first sensation that Hyungwon felt it was tangible; pain it was always ruthlessly real. Dragging his body up, his throat kept closing and closing; there was so much cold air around him, but all of it hated him. Who could blame it? All that oxygen fleeing was right; it should hate him. Every twinge in his lungs was bringing him close to the complete breakdown; he had been there too many times to not recognize these events.

As the tears burned down his face, the air became even more scarce. How was he going to get out of there? Where was he, by the way? In this reality, in another one? Hyungwon only knew he was gasping for an air that shot him down as if he wasn’t worth of it. Grabbing his own neck with freezing hands, he tried to get control back. He could handle this. Lurching against the white, Hyungwon desperately wanted to breathe. He wanted…

_“Hyungwonnie? Oh, Jesus.”_

At first, the raven-haired thought he was imagining things. _Who the fuck would care enough to come to save him?_ It was made very clear to him, since he could remember, that he should, no, that he _needed_ to rely only on himself; everything else was an unwanted liability.

A loud thud of a body crashing beside him made Hyungwon look up, instinctively. His vision was too fuzzy to send any sign of recognizement, but he wished it was Hoseok. Hoseok, Hoseok, Hoseok…

“Hoseok.” His hoarse voice echoed through his own head. “I want Hoseok.”

 _“Baby, it’s me._ Hyungwon, it’s me. I’m here.”

“Hoseok…” Still laying down, he tried to push another breath in. Useless. “Hoseok. I… I…”

Hyungwon still couldn’t see the older’s face properly, but he knew the other was freaking out right there.

“Baby, focus on my voice, okay? Hyungwon, you’re here in the backyard, it’s freezing. You can’t stay here.”

The younger couldn’t hold it back anymore, so he started fully sobbing; his tears made little pools on the snow beside him.

“Hyungwon, I’m here with you. You’re gonna be okay. Can I touch you? You can’t stay here.”

“Hoseok.” Another pang hit his chest, and he felt betrayed by his own body once again. “Hoseok, I… I’m sorry.”

“Please let me get you out of here. There’s only you and me here, baby.”

The older sounded he was on the verge of losing his shit. Hyungwon wanted to touch him, but everything still felt too detached from the world he trapped himself in.

“Hoseok, I… I don’t… deserve you. Anything.”

The red-haired seemed to glow among the stars on the sky; no, he was a goddamn planet compared to any of them. As he moved his head over Hyungwon’s body, the latter saw his despair.

“Hyungwonnie, please let me get you out of here. We can talk inside, you’re going to be okay. Please. Can I?”

“I…” Out of his control, his back arched. He was running out of time. “I love you. If I… I love you. I don’t…”

The raven-haired man felt as if he was floating in the void, so he finally gave in to his perpetrators. Are they happy now that he’s broken? They still don’t answer. He was already down, they didn’t need to keep kick him. Hyungwon was exhausted; so he chose to keep floating. The good thing about this state was the meaningless of time; it’d feel like he was roaming through the nothing for hours, when actually only a few minutes had passed. He knew he was being taken back when things got a bit warmer; maybe his tears were finally having some purpose. A voice in the dark coldness kept calling him.

_“Hyungwon. Please. Come back to me, please.”_

Hoseok. He was there. His wish was fulfilled. It was him.

“Baby…” As things became more clear, he crooked his head to see Hoseok release a choked sob. It made Hyungwon want to die, it was his fault. “Baby, please… Come back. Please.”

Grasping for air and finally getting some, Hyungwon fully opened his eyes.

“Hoseok-”

“Shit, baby, stay with me.” The older practically hovered over his body, blocking his vision to everything that wasn’t him. Good.

Grasping for air again, Hyungwon stabilized his breath a bit. “I’m here, Hoseok.”

“Hyungwonnie-”

The red-haired didn’t get to finish what he was going to say before he was pouring his heart out on Hyungwon’s shirt. He managed to move his hand to the man’s hair, trying to calm him and himself down. Touching Hoseok was always soothing.

“I was so scared.” Hoseok spoke between sobs. “You weren’t responding, so I picked you up and… we’re inside again. I tried to get ask you first…”

Waves of oxygen now left and came in as it should be, which helped him to smile at the man in front of him.

“It’s okay. I love you, Hoseok.” He did. God, he did with his entire heart and soul. Hyungwon never had been so certain of something his entire life. “I don’t deserve you, but I love you.”

The older looked down at him — Hyungwon was laying on Hoseok’s bed, that he noticed quickly — with a mixture of anger and sadness on his face.

“What are you… Stop, stop. You don’t get to do this. Not after everything. You can’t make me love you this much and then say you don’t deserve me.”

The younger wanted to cry again.

“You deserve someone-”

“No. I want you. You’re the one I want. It doesn’t matter if we have to go through this over and over… I love you, Hyungwon. How the fuck you get to tell me to go to someone else?”

“I’m just…” Another choked sob. “I’m not good enough.”

Hoseok moved to sit on his bed, pushing him up in the process.

“You are. It has always been you. I’m sorry I didn’t notice your episode sooner, I’ll work on that, okay? We’re gonna work on that. I don’t want someone else. I want you, I’ve always wanted you, I’ll always want you. I’ll tell you that every day. Please…”

Hyungwon’s breath became unsteady again, but at least this time was for a good reason. Grabbing the older’s neck and smashing his lips against his, he never felt so desperate in his own life. As Hyungwon let out a moan, Hoseok got this chance to deepen the kiss and let his tongue explore his boyfriend’s mouth.

Pulling back from the kiss, but keeping their bodies together, the man in front of him ran his hands through the Hyungwon’s hair, letting it slid down to his face; every part of it craved for warmth.

“Are you okay?” The red-haired was still concerned. “Do you need something?”

“Hmm… The others…”

“I told them to leave. My mom understood it fast so she kicked everyone out in a minute. They didn’t see you, if that’s what you asking.”

“Thank you.”

“Drink this.” The man handled him a glass of water. “And keep these comforters on, you were in the snow for too long.”

Pleased, Hyungwon closed his eyes while drinking the water. “Stay with me.”

The man standing in front of him looked a bit indecisive. “Hyungwon…”

“Yes?”

“What triggered you? I can help you avoid it if… happens again.”

“I was too happy.” Grinning at him with a certain sorrow, Hyungwon proceed. “I don’t know why I wasn’t happy before. I think I didn’t deserve it. You see…” Chuckling, he used it to avoid the other’s stare. “I got a book from your mom. I got the same thing you and your sisters got. Why? I felt like I didn’t realize I’m so broken until that moment.”

“You’re not broken, you’re not an object to get broken. It’s not your fault you didn’t get the love you deserved, okay? It’s not your fault, do you understand? You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sure you’ve always been a good person. You deserve me, you deserve everything good in this world. You’re not broken. You’re a person with unresolved issues like everybody else, okay? I wouldn’t lie to you, you know that.”

Hoseok looked like the most powerful man in the world. Staring at him from the bed during his entire monologue, Hyungwon still didn’t understand what he saw on him. He hadn’t anything special, yet Hoseok seemed to care so much…

“Why do you love me?”

The red-haired grinned like a child.

“Because you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. Because you’re the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen, inside and out. Because you’re smart, and witty, and a huge tsundere. I look at you, I look at you and I think the world could be on fire, but I’d still keep looking at you.”

As the older sat down beside him again, Hyungwon held out a hand to touch Hoseok. _How did he really exist?_ “Is this real?”

Entertained by the younger’s touch, the older smiled, as if he held the answers for all the secrets of the universe. “Always.”

“Hoseok.”

“Yes?”

“Could you want me just for tonight?”

Lifting his head to gaze at Hyungwon’s face full of sorrow, the red-haired looked quite baffled.

“I’ll want you today, I’ll want you tomorrow, I’ll want even if you don’t want me anymore.”

Lazy kisses turned into passionate ones; hands everywhere, careless of what could happen; it just didn’t matter. How could anything stand against that room full of love and lust? It was no match to it, it didn’t even try. The time would stop at their will, everything they needed could be found on each other. Hyungwon kept sinking into the flames, and he loved it. As Hoseok kissed his whole body, he thought about how sure he was that he loved the older; no one taught him how to deal with feelings like this, so he had to learn it the hard way. Hyungwon loved him, and that was the hard and the easy part. He wanted to erase all the traces of himself and imprint everything with Hoseok’s hands; he was his to do anything he wanted. Bodies turned into one body, rising from the ashes of the hollow vessels of themselves, that were just waiting for them to meet.

Needy moans became eager guttural groans, there was never enough closeness. Hyungwon never felt so wanted in his entire life; the older’s whispers on his skin made his entire body feel a quiver that seemed to be about to explode something inside himself, and he kept begging for more. Hoseok’s sweet nothings, his hands on Hoseok’s body, the way they kept staring at each other without the need of being voiced to be understood. As if they shared a telepathic connection, one knew what the other needed; Hyungwon just wanted Hoseok closer and closer, the man’s fingers mapping his entire being was almost like a tattoo; yet it was him that wanted to crawl inside the red-haired’s skin and find a safe haven he was sure it existed in there.

 

Hoseok craved for the younger since the day they met again, and _God_ , he was never more thankful of something than meeting the man again. In his musings, he had not a single doubt that he desired Hyungwon’s heart, Hyungwon’s body, even the parts of him he never let it show; getting a glimpse of every single one of those was like solving the last enigmas of a crossword. It felt such a privilege to love him, to be able to show how much he loved the younger. He’d lost so many time denying this to himself that his urge was, somehow, comprehensible. All the existent words felt quite useless, so Hoseok didn’t use them.

Touching Hyungwon’s body was like learning to read a new language. Feeling him smile against his mouth as they kissed again and again, mouth agape as the desire of the man under him increased; the night was endless and pledged loyalty only to them. Feeling the taller’s nails scratching his back, his chest, Hyungwon's hands on his hair, the hasty way held himself onto Hoseok; all those things and much more made him want to live like this for as long as he was in this world. Sharing the heat of his body with Hyungwon’s felt like nothing he’d ever experienced before. The man was like a religion; what Hoseok did was in his name, his duty was to chant his name and feel the weakness on his legs, because Hyungwon was the god that he worshipped and there was no way of unbending his knees. His name on Hoseok’s mouth as they experienced pleasure together was the most powerful blessing he could ever receive.

 

 

DAY 07

Birds chipping right outside his window woke up Hoseok first, and he just didn’t know where his limbs ended and Hyungwon’s started. He didn’t to open his eyes, acknowledging that he would have to go back to his normal life; one he couldn’t be with the boy under him all the time, because he had responsibilities to be fulfilled. _Fucking college._

Shifting in bed, Hyungwon turned around to lay half on top of him. “Morning.”

“Merry Christmas.”

Hyungwon chuckled and every fiber of the older’s body felt the happiness that came out of it.

“Right, I forgot that today is actually Christmas.” Craning his head back a bit, the younger gazed at him. Before Hoseok could react, his lips were already on his; a sloppy kiss broken with another laugh. “Merry Christmas.”

“You, for sure, are merry.”

That earned Hoseok the first slap of the day.

“We have to go back, right?” Hyungwon sounded so disappointed that hurt him a little.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll miss everything about this.”

Finally opening his eyes, Hoseok stared at him with all the affection he could muster.

“Hyungwon?”

“Hmm?”

“Are we… really together?”

The younger frowned. “I said I loved you. I’ve kissed you, I slept with you. What more do you need to be sure?”

“Just you. Today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next month, next year-”

Pushing himself up to rest his head on the pillow next to him, Hyungwon nodded. “I know.”

 

 

_WONSEOK IS REAL_

_[09:08 am]_

**Puppy** : so……… u guys noticed they went AWOL, right

 **Agent Gun** : they’re probably fucking, minhyuk

 **Honeybee** : right in front of our lord jesus christ’s salad

 **Maknae** : look we all have done things in front of our lord’s salad at some point

 **Bear hyung** : don’t give me context

 **Overlord** : im sad the soap opera is ending

 **Overlord** : but at the same time i'll get to squeeze the #deets out of hyungwon

 **Overlord** : my baby brother, off to fuck people (hoseok)

 **Overlord** : *sheds a single tear*

 **Bear hyung** : too early for that im out

 **Puppy** : we’re a bit unhealthy but a very loving family amirite

 **Agent Gun** : we’re a korean version of those sitcoms with white people only

 **Honeybee** : F.U.G.B.M.: fucked up gays and bisexuals millennials

 **Overlord** : we’re founding a club with that name

 **Agent Gun** : we’ll hold a meeting to discuss wonseok as the first topic

 **Honeybee** : i love how this chat goes from talking about fucking to founding clubs

 **Maknae** : don’t forget the satanic rituals

 **Agent Gun** : is that what u call sleeping w/ kihyun hyung

 **Overlord** : do you prefer to be murdered with an axe or a baseball bat? handing out options as my last merciful act

 **Honeybee** : pls do not

 **Overlord** : had it not been for the love for my son……..

 **Puppy** : just let this gc die for fuck’s sake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: lets write a lil thing for them for christmas  
> me: *writes 8k*
> 
> look. im a soft stan. im the softest motherfucker in the hood. i look at them and say MY KIDS or MY PARENTS etc, i do not... like writing explicit things....... i hope yall not too much disappointed, i'll try to do better next time (there will be a next time? who knows..............)
> 
> see ya next week


	9. Congratulations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello children  
> the last chapter of the year is here. i just...  
> read the other note after you read this. 
> 
> enjoy (or not)
> 
> and happy new year, i hope yall are safe and near people you love ♥

As the cold breeze hit his face for the 50th time that hour alone, Hyungwon pressed himself against his thick coat and knew he would’ve to start running if he didn’t want to be for the event. A tiny part of him wanted to send a big fuck you to the entire thing and go back to bed, but that day wasn’t about him. Actually, the entire thing wasn’t about him.

It’d been almost a month after Christmas, and allowing himself to be happy was one of the hardest things Hyungwon ever did in his life. It’s not easy to convince yourself, after years of drowning in self-loathing, that just like everybody else you can experience good things in the long run. That you _deserve_ those things. Every day brought challenges, but it was okay, because Hoseok was there with him. A friendship turned into a romantic relationship felt like the right thing to do; perhaps it was the best rhythm to keep following despite the risks being too high. In those times they shared together; eating, watching silly movies or just making out, everything had precisely the same weight when it was about how Hyungwon had never been this pleased his entire life, and a tiny part of him wished he’d met the older sooner, that he had realized that he loved him that way, sooner.

Pushing through the crowd of grad students, mainly seniors and their families, the raven-haired tried to use the advantage of his height to spot his boyfriend quicker, but that wasn’t being of much help. You see, graduations are really less well organized as everybody envisioned it to be, because people are fed up and waiting for finally being able to fuck off of that place for good, it was hell on earth. Not that it was Hyungwon’s moment, after all.

Near the back entrance of auditorium, he could see Kihyun, Changkyun, Gun and Jooheon; his best friend and Gun being the other two also graduating that day. Those little shits finally getting to live the dream and bounce out of that hellhole looked so happy that Hyungwon felt a certain urge to punch them. Just like two youngest rappers, he unfortunately still had one more year to go.

“Hey.” Hyungwon greeted the boys as he got closer. “Have you seen Hoseok?”

“Wow, thank you so much for wishing me nothing but the best, Hyungwonnie. I’m proud of being your friend for all these years.”

Kihyun, the dramatic bitch. Hyungwon chuckled.

“I was going to say that after you received your diploma, why are you so extra?”

“Why did you come so well dressed?” His best friend almost sounded offended.

“I’m using jeans, a shirt and a coat. What are you talking about?”

Jooheon sighed heavily. “Could you two quit? I haven’t seen Hoseok hyung here, by the way.”

Changkyun agreed with a nod and Gunhee finally looked up from his phone, looking a bit distressed.

The time was passing quicker than expected, and they weren’t going to wait that much to start the ceremony. Besides that, it was really cold and everything Hyungwon wanted was to get out of there with his boyfriend and sleep for the rest of the day. Fuck studying, it could wait.

“You should text him, hyung.” Jooheon’s boyfriend suggested. “Maybe he got lost.”

That was a very Hoseok thing, honestly. As he pulled his phone out of the only pocket of his coat, the device started ringing. His boyfriend was calling him. _Calling._

Hyungwon thought about not picking up, at first. The man knew he didn’t do phone calls; it was something stressed out the living shit out of him and that the younger would avoid as much as he could. Hoseok knew that. Hoseok knew that, but now his phone was ringing and the older’s name on his screen was crystal clear; all the bad scenarios about Hoseok being hurt ran through his mind in a matter of seconds. _I can do this only this time, for him._ Hyungwon moved towards the door behind his friends, one that led to a hall full of huge pictures of classes that graduated before them; also guarding a huge collection of medals and trophies earned by those who studied there in the previous years. The place was quieter, but it didn’t cut his anxiety down.

Afraid that the red-haired’s name would disappear at any second, he closed his eyes and swiped his finger on the green button on his phone.

“Hoseok?”

 _“Hey.”_ It felt like he was calling from a different period in time. Weird.

“Where are you? I’m already here. The boys are here too.”

 _“I’m…”_ Something or someone shifted near the phone, as if the other was walking and bumped into something.

“Hoseok?” His heart beat so fast Hyungwon didn’t know how he was managing to speak. “Is everything okay? Where are you?”

_“Hyungwon, you should go back to the dorms. It’s cold.”_

“What? It’s your graduation day. Why are you calling me? You know I don’t like-”

_“I’m not there.”_

The raven-haired could feel the space between his lungs getting smaller at every second. Breath in, breath out _._

“What? But they’re gonna start it soon, I don’t know if they can wait much long-”

_“I already picked up my diploma. I’m not in Korea.”_

There was it, the hole in the ground. Hyungwon knew it was there to swallow him whole, heartlessly.

“I… I… Don’t understand. What… happened?

_“I’m in France. I’ll be staying here this year.”_

Falling wasn’t needed. He was already with dirt past his shoulder and he was never too good in maintaining balance.

“When?”

_“Yesterday. I just got in Paris.”_

There was this hungry monster inside Hyungwon he had named it The dragon. The dragon lived in a leash for most of his life, but his anger was building him a way out. Search and destroy.

“Why… Why…”

_“Hyungwon, go back to the dorms. It’s cold there. I’m not there.”_

“I heard it. Unbelievable.” He wanted to let the tears forming in his eyes drop down his face, but he wasn’t about to make his humiliation bigger. “I would tell you to go to hell, but I never want to see you again.”

_“Hyungw-”_

He’d seen it in movies, dramas; he’d read it in books. People would lose someone they loved and displayed and described how much they were hurting, how much their bodies perished as if it wasn’t going to endure the loss. To be quite honest, after a while Hyungwon thought everything was a bit of a reach; it’s something normal people go through every day, so why this thing was so romanticized? The joke's on him, now.

His feet made their way back to his dorm room; it was indeed really cold out _there_. For once, it didn’t bother Hyungwon. There was much more happening inside himself to get distracted by outside influences; the world could wait until he was done suffering. Would he be done one day? Probably, the death wasn’t going to come so easy. Nothing, for once, was ever easy in his life, right? Nothing good stayed. How could he blame the rest of the world when even him didn’t want to be with himself? It’d be too much hypocrisy. There must always be a beginning and an ending for everything, and maybe a fraction of what happened in between those phases was the only thing he would ever had.

His body hit the ground before making it to his own bed; a place he has no idea how or when he got there. So _cold_ , the bedroom floor. Hyungwon hated having to feel too much, so he should’ve known better. His mind played judge jury and executioner, and he was always guilty. Nothing, not even his own self, seemed to be genuine.

All his mind kept doing was replaying every single one of their moments together, trying to pinpoint the instant where he fucked up everything. Because it must have been always his fault, of course, it always was. _How could I not see him getting away from me?_ Love is not only blindness, but also stupidity. How much of all of that had been real, and when it started to be the beginning of a downfall? Of course, it was useless to ask questions that weren’t going to be answered, but his mind had always been a very skilled harasser.

His dog days were over before it even started.

 

 

“Did you know about that?”

Kihyun didn’t care he was trespassing one of Minhyuk’s classes, in the middle of a lecture. He also didn’t care that a lot of people were staring at him.

“I’m still asking nicely, Minhyuk. Did you know?”

As the older’s hand grabbed his wrist to drag him outside, quickly bowing an apology to his teacher, Kihyun wanted to destroy every single thing in that building with his own hands.

“Jesus, Kihyun.”

“I don’t give a fuck. Answer me. Did you know he was going to leave?”

The dark-blue haired boy seemed hurt by that. “No! I didn’t! Do you think I’m happy to see Hyungwon like this? Do you think I wouldn’t have done something if I could stop all of this from happening?”

The hall the currently stood were empty if for not the both of them, but it felt so crowded it was hard to breathe.

“I don’t know. What I know is that it has been 5 days and he doesn’t stop crying. Hyungwon barely eats. It’s fucking unreal.”

“I’ve been trying to call Hoseok, but he never picks up. He wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t leave like that.”

Kihyun had to laugh. “Well, he fucking did. And didn’t even have the decency of saying it to Hyungwon before doing so.”

Minhyuk had a mixture of sorrow and fatigue in his face.

“He is crazy about Hyungwonnie, he wouldn’t leave him out of the blue. Something must have happened. He’s our friend too, Kihyun.”

“Well, he’s not the one currently unable to leave his room. If you do get in touch with him, tell him if shows up in front of me or Hyungwon again I’ll make sure he won’t get to live to see another day.”

 

 

As the warmth of the weather became more prominent, it took away the snow and that was something that pleased Hyungwon. The hottest day of the year was still better than one cold afternoon, especially now that he was alone again.

It didn’t seem real. Himself, Hoseok, his friends, the time they spent together and how they loved each other — how Hyungwon loved him — all made up inside his head so he could feel a bit less lonely. If he could make a supercut of the past year, Hoseok would be in every single moment, and that was the worst part of remembering; if it everything had been something physical he could set everything on fire, maybe throw it off a bridge. Destroying these memories than did nothing but hurt him would be an simpler task to accomplish, it’d become easier to not walk around carrying all the “what ifs” and “whys” floating in his head 24/7. To any person, Hyungwon was just another senior, but little did they knew he was a museum of bittersweet recollections and encounters; everything that he should’ve known it wasn’t real.

That was it: a part of Hyungwon knew that he should’ve seen it coming. Why would he be allowed to be happy for too long? It was never like that, for sure it wouldn’t start now. Yet, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to be reached, to be touched, to be broken.

The killing feeling was how much he was pathetic and still wished, for a while, that Hoseok would come back; one day he’d woke up and discover all those empty days were nothing but a fabrication of his twisted mind and the man would hug him the way he always did. It felt so wrong to keep on living like that, without Hoseok. But he did, by any means.

The first week or the first month wasn’t the hardest, as a lot of people said before. God, it was so much better to pretend Hoseok was still there because much time hadn’t passed; almost as if he hadn’t never left their bed, and the raven-haired could still feel the coziness on the man’s empty space if he grasped over it. What should he do in situations like this? They never told him about that, too. The coping mechanisms that were at his reach made him feel pitiful, but it hurt less. For a while.

Living without mentioning those moments that made him so happy felt like a sacrilege, but it was what Hyungwon needed to do to survive. The crack in his relationship with others was inevitable; looking at their faces and seeing the expression of awkwardness and desolation made him angry, but he knew he shouldn’t be angry, it wasn’t the boys’ fault. Things were still too recent, it was only a matter of time for one of them start citing Hoseok in a topic, and Hyungwon would’ve to be a plaintive bitch, leaving to cry alone under the covers of his bed. It'd require an energy he didn't have, and didn't want to have.

The worst period for Hyungwon was graduating. As the months went by, it got a bit painless to not think about Hoseok every single time of the day, to not wanting to pour his heart out because of that, to not have panic attacks because of how fucking miserable he was. He did his crying, though, and it could fill the largest ocean. Despite his anxiety conquering every corner of his body, Hyungwon would go to his classes, have lunch or dinner with his friends, come back to his room to study and then sleep; that was the cycle he got himself trapped into. It wasn’t a bad thing, to be sincere. Routine made it simpler for him to focus on what needed his attention, to fulfill his daily tasks without much trouble. However, when the time he had longed for years came, his graduation, Hyungwon felt empty. His and Hoseok’s memories would die in that university, he couldn’t delay to letting go of these burned film rolls anymore. Easier said than done.

At first, his only contribution at the gatherings with his friends was his presence. The raven-haired wouldn’t talk much, but at least he made the effort of keep going out of his bed, and seeing how happy his friends still were despite all that time, couples together after he was left alone, was not something encouraging. No one ever complained about his silence, of course. They were too gentle for that. As the time passed by, Hoseok became a banned topic in their encounters, but Hyungwon knew some of them kept in touch with the man, he wasn’t that dumb. He couldn’t ask them to cut ties with him. It didn’t feel right, and even though he was fed with lies for an entire year by that man, his fall was only his to take. Time didn’t heal, but made him acquainted with his numbness enough to get a break, once or twice. Hyungwon started laughing at Changkyun’s stupid jokes again. He’d go out more with his friends to places Hoseok never went, where his ghost wasn’t there to haunt him. Hitting not-so-bad parties, helping Kihyun move to the tiny apartment he rented, going to Jooheon and Changkyun’s performances and every other thing that showed up in front of him was a scapegoat. Everything in his life was reduced to being a distraction.

There were days that rage was the only thing he felt. It’d crawl out of him through his mouth and demand screaming and damages to his hands by punching something; those days he wanted Hoseok, wherever he was, to choke and die. Hyungwon wanted the man to feel the same pain he had been enduring all these fucking months, he wanted him to feel how hard it was to breathe every single day. On those days, he’s search in the internet for traces of the older. His usual SNS and Instagram accounts weren’t updated since the past year; the dozens of pictures they had taken together were scattered there, and it was, somehow, proof that Hoseok had been there, that he was real. The only use of this was to make the raven-haired even more angry.

His birthday, in the middle of January, became something cursed. The last memory of it carved in his brain had the red-haired man smiling at him from ear to ear, holding a stupid ice cream cake with sparkler candles on top of it. As the day approached, Hyungwon wanted nothing but to lock himself in his room — a room that wouldn’t be his for too long since he was moving out of college. Things evolved and the strength he put into trying to accept that the only constant was change was almost inhumane, but still was powerful enough to make his chest hurt. The date of his birth being the same day as his graduation killed two birds screeching inside his skin with one stone.

Kihyun forced him to at least go out to celebrate his graduation (and his birthday), alongside Changkyun and Jooheon whom were also receiving their diplomas that day. He wasn’t in the mood — when was the last time he was? — but the brown-haired made so much effort in spending time together that Hyungwon felt that he owed him that, at least that. During all those months, Kihyun passed by his room every damn day, texted him at least 5 times a day; everything he could do to make sure Hyungwon was alright, he did. As a matter of fact, doing these little things that Hyungwon still struggled to do, in a certain way made him feel more powerful, more on control of himself.

These moments backfired sometimes, when he’d see something or someone that triggered him into the void state, and Hoseok would be the only thing he’d see and hear and almost feel, if he could hold out a hand to touch it. His anger would gain power in those things that were ruined by his ex; songs, books, places, movies, stupid TV dramas with stupid plots. The fight against the stuff that brought him back into his shell, hours of crying and feeling like shit were the modus operandi to get to see another rising sun.

 

 

“You know, you could’ve rented a better place.”

Kihyun and Minhyuk were currently dropping the boxes they carried inside Hyungwon’s small apartment — even smaller than Kihyun’s. After what happened, their relationship became a bit disturbed for a while, but eventually all went back to normal, or the closest to normal they could be. It’s a 93 liner thing, Hyungwon supposed.

“You got here 2 minutes ago and you’re already badmouthing my new home.”

Crossing the tiny living room to open a curtain, the older seemed to agree with Kihyun.

“I know you don’t like talking about these stuff, Wonnie, but it’s not like you don’t have the budget to be living in at least a bigger place.”

“Minhyuk, I’m fine.” He wasn’t. He didn’t remember the last time he was fine. “I barely used my parents’ money for myself when I was in college, and I’m not going to start now.”

Kihyun sighed in defeat. “Sure, suit yourself, Turtle. At least it’s close to my place, so if you need something…”

Who needed parents when he had those two nagging idiots? A chuckle escaped Hyungwon’s mouth automatically.

“I’ll run to you, as always. Now, where are the other dumbasses to help get this done?”

As the faint sunlight hit the now dark locks of Minhyuk’s hair, the man turned around to face him.

“Hyunwoo will be here after work. Gun and Jooheon are staying with Gun’s mom today so they can’t come, but Changkyun is already on his way.”

His hyung got a nice job at an entertainment company, as a choreographer. Hyungwon always thought that this was made Hyunwoo happy, so he was really glad the older was working on something that he loved. It demanded more hours of him than a usual job, though. Minhyuk didn’t seem to mind.

“So, you and the midget are planning to move in together?”

The brown-haired man wasn’t disturbed at all by the statement. Very different from what the old Kihyun, afraid of commitment with anything that wasn’t booze, would do.

“Not now, his grandma is still kinda sick so he has to stay with her. Once she gets better, I think so.”

“You two are disgusting. Minhyukkie, and your kitten? Is he still small as the last time I saw him?”

The older beamed at him, jumping in his direction.

“Wonnie, he’s so cute! He reminds me of you sometimes. Although he and I are very similar because we’re really in love with Hyunwoo.”

“Ugh, you two are disgusting too. Come on, let’s put these things on the living room’s shelves.”

As they unpacked the few things the taller had, Minhyuk almost gave him a heart attack by screaming out of the fucking nowhere.

“Jesus Christ, Lee Minhyuk. My heart is weak.”

“Sorry, Wonnie. It’s just! I didn’t know you had this, I was talking with Hyunwoo’s sister about it yesterday. Where did you buy it?”

He was talking about a book. The book. Clearing his throat to not letting himself get lost in his thoughts, Hyungwon answered.

“Hoseok’s mother gave it to me 2 years ago.”

The raven-haired didn’t thought they would, but Hoseok’s mother and his sisters did try to contact him, after all. He wasn’t in a good state at that time, and he knew he was going to say or do things they didn’t deserve to witness; so Hyungwon ignored them.

He never reread that book, though.

“Oh…” Minhyuk seemed mortified. He almost felt bad for the man. “I’m sorry Wonnie, I didn’t know…”

“It’s fine.” Smiling shyly, he tried to lift the other’s spirit. “You can take it if you want, I read it already.”

 

 

It was with the arrive of March that things started getting worse again. Hoseok would be turning 26 soon, and he still questioned himself every day why he still held onto the memories of a person the older pretended to be. Maybe it’s because, from time to time, it was an illusion that worked really well, something that would add life to those places in time Hyungwon couldn’t turn a blind eye to; all those words and beds they shared were monuments of his sorrow, but it’d also the places where he’d always find himself coming back to.

Admitting that, after all that time and pain, he still loved that man was the weakest he had ever felt his entire life. Not he’d confirm it to anyone, of course. Hyungwon thought countless times about why he still felt this tremendous feeling towards the one that abandoned him, and his conclusion was that it was a way that his mind found to torture him, to punish him for being such a monumental naïve idiot. Maybe it was what he deserved, ultimately.

A good amount of months after they all got new lives away from college, his friends tried to talk him into dating again, a few times. It always ended with Hyungwon storming out of places and messages with apologies, from both sides. His old plan of subsiding his love life came back to the top, so he kept his attention towards his career. Hyungwon’s love for children was still what kept him going, what allowed him to have a bit of hope. After getting accepted as a teacher in a friendly kindergarten downtown, he started living for the kids. Contrary to his belief, children were quite fond of him, which some of them said it was because he was so tall that he looked cooler than the other teachers. Going there to teach the little beans was what made him truly happy, after a long time.

 

 

“You gotta be kidding me.”

Changkyun couldn’t not facepalm. Why things were never simple? At least he wasn’t the only one on the table with that anguished expression.

“Minhyuk hyung told me this morning, so it’s true.” While Jooheon poked his sandwich with a napkin, his boyfriend was the one replying. “He’s calling for a meeting.”

“ _Really?_ ” The maknae chuckled in disbelief. “Are we still getting involved in this? It was all fun and games and memes, but it stopped being like this a long time ago.”

Jooheon looked up at him to opine. “We better be prepared and together for when shit hits the fan, Kyun.”

Behind his best friend, the sun hid itself behind an army of clouds. Changkyun wished he could do the same.

“Kihyun knows about this? Because he’s going to kill Minhyuk hyung, we all know that.”

Gun barely faced him. “Well…”

“You guys are making me tell him, right?”

Jooheon intervened, shamelessly. “Just bring him to Minhyuk and Hyunwoo’s apartment. They’ll take care of the rest.”

“Sure. But if my man ends up in jail, I’ll make every single one of you break up.”

 

 

God was really good when He gave Minhyuk nice reflexes. The dark-haired boy was never more thankful for that than at that moment.

“Can you please stop throwing things at me and listen, Ki? Kyun, hold him back for a while!”

The maknae shrugged. “I told you he’d lose his shit. You brought this upon yourselves.”

In a blink of eye, the brown-haired turned around to face his boyfriend. “Since when did you know about this, Im Changkyun?”

“Jesus, calm down. They told me this morning.”

“I don’t fucking care what you guys think.” Deep down, Minhyuk knew it was hopeless to bring Kihyun into this. “If he gets close to Hyungwon again, I’ll cut him in 20 pieces.”

Beside Minhyuk on the couch, Hyunwoo spoke. “Kihyun-ah, we don’t really… know. We don’t really know what happened.”

A sarcastic laugh filled the room. “We don’t know? I know that my best friend, _our friend_ , went through a lot of shit because of him. Do you think I care about his reasons?”

Standing up beside his boyfriend by the living room window, Gunhee uncrossed his arms, a bit startled. “Hyung, I don’t think it’s up to you to decide.”

Silence. Minhyuk could feel when things finally clicked in for the brown-haired.

“Wait.” Kihyun got up, pacing around slowly. “Fuck, what did you guys do?”

 

 

Gun was still the bad-tempered pest that Hyungwon met in college, and somehow that was reassuring. At least some people and things don’t change. He still didn’t believe he had crossed the town to feed his and Jooheon’s dog, since they both would be working late that night. They took too much advantage of the fact that Hyungwon didn’t have a social life and was available most of the time, Jesus. They definitely did. They were lucky that he loved those two to death.

Typing the code to unlock Gun and Jooheon’s door, the cold wind coming from an open window down the hallway hit him in the back. _Who in the fucking world does these things?_

As he closed the door, Hyungwon felt something collide against it, almost making him losing control of his body. At first, he thought it was a neighbor that was passing by or even himself, without noticing. It wasn’t.

To describe what he was feeling as he set his eyes on the man was like wishing to see a new color; his language and his body weren’t developed enough for that yet. Maybe it’d never be. Landing eyes on him only made his mind scream “run”, and he needed to run. However, the instinct of the rest of his body was to freeze in spot; what it didn’t count with was the fact that Hyungwon new himself better than that now. The rage that fueled his path was unstoppable. All those hours of therapy and lonely self-pity trained him to the possibility of this day, the one that was actually happening, and he tried to recall all the things he rehearsed to say. Reaching out to lock the door to Jooheon and Gun’s home again, Hyungwon wanted to be struck by a fucking meteor.

“Hyungwon.”

 _Fuck. Fucking Hell._ It was infuriating how every atom of his body wanted to lean towards his voice.

“No.”

Hand still on the door of his friends’ house, the man didn’t look like he was going to give up effortlessly.

“Please…”

Pulling the door all the way back inside with a loud thud, leaving it completely open, Hyungwon shot back. Once again, it was one of those situations that Hyungwon could watch himself outside his body, as if he was a character of a story that didn’t exist.

“Please what, Hoseok? What the fuck do you still want from me?”

“Can we talk?”

“No.”

His voice was still soft as always. Hyungwon hated it. “2 minutes. All I ask.”

Until this day, Hyungwon still wasn’t a fan of making scenes in public. Considering his situation, he knew there wasn’t a better way to convince the other to go away than giving him what he wanted.

“1 minute.”

Hyungwon head inside, leaving the door for Hoseok to close behind him. Tapping the wall to turn on the lights, he spotted his friends’ puppy sleeping peacefully in the couch. _At least someone wasn’t going to be too affected tonight._

Under the white light of the living room, the older looked more handsome than never. Couldn’t he have the decency of getting ugly, for fuck's sake? But he was fucking blond, and that Hyungwon could hate with accuracy. _Don’t be weak, don’t be weak._

“How… are you?”

“55 seconds, Hoseok.”

“I missed you.”

It could only be a joke. For sure, Hoseok was fucking kidding him. Scoffing, Hyungwon finally looked at the man.

“Oh, cry me a river, Hoseok. Do I look like I give a fuck? Say what you want to say and leave.”

Looking at the bigger picture now, he was sure Gunhee and Jooheon were behind this, and they’d pay for making him go through that.

“I missed you. I thought about you every day. I still love you, like always. Today, tomorrow, next month, next year-”

The rage inside Hyungwon was gaining strength; it didn’t matter that he was already yelling. “I’ve heard that before, don’t buy it. Go find some other idiot to fool. Do what you do best. Leave.”

There was something in the way they stared at each other that broke a piece of Hyungwon’s heart. Again.

“Please, let me-”

“Explain? What there is to explain, Hoseok? You left, I stayed. You, now, came back. Is that rocket science?”

Rubbing one of his hand on his trousers, the man continued. “I left you because-”

“I don’t care.” Another pang on his chest. The air was become scarce. “I don’t care about you have to say. Please, sir, go away.”

“No. And stop talking formally to me, I’m not a stranger.”

A chuckle left his mouth. “Yes, _you are_. I don’t know you, Shin Hoseok. I know this dog better than I know you. Just answer me something: when did you start lying to me? After Christmas when you decided being with me wasn’t what you really wanted? Before that, when we were just friends? When? Tell me when I started being a fucking idiot.”

“I never lied to you, Hyungwon. Never.”

“You must think I’m really stupid. Actually, _I am_ stupid. Only that explains why I believed when you said over and over again that you wouldn’t leave me, lying over and over again.”

He could see Hoseok’s eyes starting to water and it was infuriating.

“It wasn’t a lie. I meant it. I do. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever did in my life. I’ll never stop saying how sorry I am for that.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. You and I are never even being friends ever again, so you don’t need to feel sorry. Your time’s up. Leave.”

“Hyungwonnie…”

“Don’t call me that.” He tried to control the volume of his voice, but it was harder every second. “Strangers don’t get to call me that. I don’t know you, I don’t think I ever did.”

“I’ll make things right, I promise you.”

“Promise?” Another laugh. “You’re hilarious. Go tell someone else that will believe you. I’m not that person, not anymore. You wanna know something? I had class. The day we met for the second time in college. I should’ve gone to my class that day. I shouldn't have met you again. That was the worst mistake of my life.”

The way the older looked so hurt gave Hyungwon a bittersweet joy. “You’re lying. You don’t mean that.”

“Lying is your thing, not mine. You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I am my parents’ child. Was it fun watching me be the broken doll I am, all those times? The effort of pretending you loved me must have gotten you some laughs, at least.”

“What we had was real. Just-”

“You left me, Hoseok! You fucking left me! Promises? Feel sorry? I don’t give a fuck. You broke me and now you appear out of fucking nowhere saying lies again. You left me. You broke up with me. Actually, our relationship wasn’t even real, right? It was a lie since day one. You, it was you who did all this. I’m done. Close the door on your way out. If you see me on the street, pretend you don’t know me. I’ll do the same.”

 

 

Patterns kept repeating like the inside of a kaleidoscope, shining and spinning in an endless trip through time. The roof he kept staring became more familiar than most of things and people in his life; there was a certain sensation of false peace growing up, and it was the only thing he could hold on onto. The dry tears on his face made Hyungwon feel dirty, but he hadn’t the energy to get off the floor. In the corner of his eye, he saw the front door abruptly opening.  

“Hyungwon! Hyungwon! I’m here, I’m here. Oh, fuck. Say something, anything!”

The taller’s eyes moved slowly from the ceiling in his friend’s direction, stirring his body. Kihyun was kneeling beside him on the ground.

“Something. Anything.”

“You little… Jesus, fuck it. Let’s go home, okay?”

Slightly nodding, Hyungwon didn’t protest when the older started lifting him by his arm.

 _Why, why, why._ This chant inside his head prevented him from noticing how long it took to get to his apartment; time was only a concept when the pain took over, when Hyungwon wasn’t quite there. His last episode had been such long time ago, too long for him to forget that he should fight back, or at least try. Maybe everything was made up inside his head like a dream, or a nightmare, and all this agony wouldn’t be there when he wakes up.

In a long distance, Kihyun’s frantic voice didn’t give up on trying bringing him back, but that time, only for once, he didn’t want to come back from that void that didn’t seem comfortable or inviting no more. It was never built to be, Hyungwon knows, but this monster is a pretender and _God_ , the lies were better than the reality when shit went down. He remembered crying, remembered the door closing, remembered him; he didn’t want to remember him. It was exasperating how much that man could still affect him; it made Hyungwon feel vulnerable and sick; it was his duty to feel different by now.

“Turtle, please… comeback. We can solve this together, like always. You and me…”

It was raining, the raven-haired could hear. Good, at least the world had the decency of crying with him. His body felt weightless and lost, as if he was back to those first moments after Hoseok left him. Hyungwon hated it, but he kept getting trapped into the vortices of the memories he should’ve forgotten.

 

_“Hyungwon, I’m not inviting you just to be polite. I want you to come. I think you’re nice.”_

_“Just… you were here all alone, Hyungwon, so cold. It broke my heart.”_

_“You’re more handsome from this angle.”_

_“You’re drunk.”_

_“And you’re beautiful.”_

_“I’m in love with you.”_

_“I don’t want someone else. I want you, I’ve always wanted you, I’ll always want you. I’ll tell you that every day.”_

Pushing himself up, Hyungwon started laughing. Kihyun looked at his best friend as if he had finally lost his goddamn mind.

“He said he missed me, that he loves me, that he never lied to me. Said he’d make things right. But do you want to know what was the worst part? The worst part was that I wanted to believe it. How much more pathetic can I get, right?”

Getting closer to him in his bed — Hyungwon was in bed, good to know — Kihyun opened his arms to hug him, and he was grateful to be brought back to safety, to his home, away from the possibility of seeing him again.

 

 

After Changkyun finally pick up his phone, Jooheon finally let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “How big is the damage?”

_“We shouldn’t have gotten involved, bro. I’m at Hyungwon’s apartment, Ki spent the night here with him. He said Hyungwon is sleeping for 16 hours so far, he’s worried. He looks the same way he looked back then, when shit hit the fan.”_

“Minhyuk hyung said we should talk with Hoseok hyung, but I don’t know… I feel like I’m backstabbing Hyungwon…”

_“I’m staying out of this for now. At least until things calm down a bit. But if you want to see him, you should. He’s our friend too, despite… well, shit.”_

 

 

Hyungwon woke up alone, surrounded by the feeble darkness of the twilight. His entire body ached as he got up, dragging his feet to his small kitchen. He wished he could forget what brought him to that point, but he knew better. His life would be forever entwined with Hoseok's because of their friends, and Hyungwon wasn’t ready to give up on those he cherished through all those years; they were his family, the only one he cared about. So his comfort zone wouldn't exist for much longer.

Grabbing a water bottle, he sat in his gloomy living room and checked the time. _07:11 pm._ Dozens of unread messages from his friends were also noticeable, mostly of Jooheon apologizing for all the situation. Hyungwon wasn’t mad at them, truly; deep down he knew the boy and his boyfriend wanted to make this whole crack in their social circle better. But it was useless, and gave him the worst mental breakdown he had in months.

Seoul seems like it’s a big city, and sometimes it feels like this too. However, it wouldn’t be enough to keep him away from Hoseok. Running wasn’t an option, so maybe should face things for once in his life. Could he? Physically, mentally? Hyungwon had no idea. His panic in the encounter with Hoseok showed that he’s nothing but still heavily affected by the man — who is blond again, fucking idiot. This kind of power shouldn’t be one to belong to his ex, nothing related to Hyungwon should ever touch the same environment as him. It was so hard when the man did ruthless things to his heart, only at thought of him, and he hated himself for that. That was what Hyungwon should feel in grand scale, hate. so why was his chest so full of longing?

 

 

[08:06 pm]

To: Minhyukkie  
_Gimme Hoseok’s number. I know you have._

 

To: Wonnie

_you sure?_

To: Wonnie

_pls no murdering_

 

To: Minhyukkie

_Just gimme this goddamn number before I murder all of you_

 

To: Wonnie

_goSH calm down_

 

To: Wonnie

_NNN XXXX XXXX_

 

[09:58 pm]

To: Do Not Pick Up

_It’s Hyungwon. Let’s meet properly for the last time._

 

To: Hyungwon

_Any time you want. Also, my name in your phone is redundant since you never pick up calls_

 

To: Do Not Pick Up

_Gotta be careful. Last time I picked up a call I got dumped._

To: Do Not Pick Up

_Tomorrow. 9am. The restaurant in front of Minhyuk’s building._

 

To: Hyungwon

 _I’ll be there_  

 

 

Music suddenly blasted out of the goddamn nowhere and it almost made him hop off the couch. Bringing a hand to his chest to confirm he was still alive after that scaring the shit out of him, Hyungwon peeked at the number’s owner and honest to God, his entire bloodstream froze in spot. Once Minhyuk said that bad things never came unaccompanied, and shit, he was goddamn right. As his hands started shaking, the raven-haired tried to regain self-control. He wasn’t expecting someone calling him, much less from _that_ number, one he hadn’t seen in years. Seven years, to be more accurate. Without even knowing, he started holding his breath; it just couldn’t be something good, not coming from _that_ number. Slowly bringing the phone up to his face, Hyungwon closed his eyes and slid his finger on the green button on his phone’s screen.

 

Do you know those moments in life when you’re colossally falling off some place and you know you’re gonna get hurt, so there’s only a few seconds for you to either accept or try to protect yourself, somehow? This is what he felt when he heard a well-known “hello” on the other end of the line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just made myself sad
> 
>  
> 
> i'll be receiving the screamings and cursing at my desk  
> but srsly yall had it coming we've reached the middle of the story now lmao
> 
> (the title is from day6's congratulations [stan talent], i didn't want to say in the first note bc it'd kind spoil it?)
> 
> im not really satisfied with this chapter, but i wanted to post this week and it needed to be a bridge to a larger chapter that follows it, where things are going to develop into a new plot. ride wit me through the journey of the sucess (just kidding this is a mess)
> 
> ((((((((((((((((((hyungwon's background is coming next chapter mfs prepare for the ugly crying)))))))))))))))))))))))))  
> thanks for all the kudos and hits and comments, i really like writing this, it helps me a lot. 
> 
> happy new year kids,  
> see ya next week


	10. All The Glamour, And The Trauma, And The Fucking Melodrama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im sorry hyungwon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know I KNOW  
> im sorry i didnt post a new chapter last week but this was the most difficult chapter to write. real emo hours. also, im taking a new med that's fucking me up for good but im bulletproof nothing to lose
> 
> gotta say this could be triggering to abuse survivors. read the end notes for more NEWS abt this story. and stay safe my children
> 
> YALL SAW THAT MOTHEFUCKING VIDEO OF HYUNGWON DANCING I CANT BELIEVE THERE'S A MAN WITH 2 METERS OF LEGS ONLY AND HES BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED 
> 
> if someone is confused by last chapter's timeline, this one is set in 2019  
> enjoy (or not)

It’s common to share the sensation of how burdening is to come back home after a long, long period. The people there are not the problem — most of the time. It’s you. You, who changed. They, who hardly did. It’s an odd feeling of awareness of who you are, accompanied by the melancholia of recalling so much; the things Hyungwon always tried to escape, to forget… undoubtedly, a part of him. It never did anything good for him all those years, and for sure wouldn’t start now. _Particularly_ now. God, the entire avalanche was falling on top of his head and they were asking him to keep the mountain neat and organized.

One foot inside, stop. Another foot inside, stop. Under the roof of the house he left 7 years ago, Hyungwon wanted to collapse on the ground. The entire trip had been a thunderstorm of calls; people telling him what to do and what not to do — not that he paid attention to even half of it — as if he didn’t know how these things works, he was taught to know these stuff. Acquaintances that he didn’t even remembered the name were on his schedule dozens of times, people no one instructed him on how to comfort, no one really cared enough. It was all a perfect stage — everybody played their roles as they should, upper class robots controlled by rich despots.

This was where he grew up, though. Never a home, just a place. Looking at the corner of the end of the hall, walking over an expensive carpet that led him to the living room, he could see a 6-year-old Hyungwon enjoying his time alone with a bunch of expensive toys, but bored after a few minutes; he just wanted to be in his room reading, his parents thought differently, though. He had nowhere else to go or what to do, except to keep pretending to be someone he wasn’t. It was okay, people out there would kill to have it all. Despite being a beautiful and comfortable shining cage, it was still a cage. Disciplined to obey, to behave, to not embarrass his parents by doing or saying something stupid, becoming something worthy of presenting to their inner circle.

Carefully walking up the stairs, at the top of it was 11-year-old Hyungwon, perfectly dressed and standing up in front of his room for someone who worked at his house to come pick him up, for his parents needed him to be the trained puppy in some public event. Gwangju wasn’t the biggest city in Korea, but for certain was the one with the largest concentration of hypocrites per square meter. At that age, Hyungwon was already taller than the average; his mother was a very spindly woman, so everybody knew he inherited it from her. The commentaries he got were always the same about how gracefully he was growing up and nothing else, as if he was an empty shell being controlled by a remote control. After a while, he started believing it.

When you think about parenting, it’s usually a presumption of households built for people to believe that everybody has a life like that. That everybody has caring mothers and fathers, people whom cherishes you more than anything in the world. That wasn’t his story.

Hyungwon’s parents never did a single thing without having a sketchy purpose. He was born so they could have a blood-related heir, and that’s it. In other words, he came into this world to be an asset. It didn’t take him too long to perceive that, even with all the brainwashing and gaslighting deep-rooted in his brain. School, studying, studying more with tutors, sleep, repeat. Signs of affect never touched the ground of that house; dismissive looks or a few nods were everything they offered, and for a long time, Hyungwon thought this was normal. He got presents when he was supposed to (his birthday), received what he needed to have a decent life such as food, clothes and basic stuff. What more could he wish? If he exceeded his limit, the raven-haired was promptly corrected by his mother or father; the world shouldn’t be able to see that he was more than a puppet.

Thinking about it, he concluded they were never meant to be parents. Sometimes, Hyungwon didn’t even know if they were actual human beings. Regaining his humanity little by little through connections with other people (a.k.a. Yoo Kihyun), felt like learning how to live again, and it was painful. Not because of his friend; that angry hamster was the only good thing that city ever gave to him, and if he wasn’t in Hyungwon’s life, his stay in that place would’ve been a lot worse. The self-questioning he began made him realize how much they broke him, and the acknowledging a life of psychologic abuse made him want to die for the first time. Were other people worthier of having nice people around than him? Money bought Hyungwon many things, and what kept replaying in his mind it was that he should be grateful for that; after all, he was lucky to be born into a wealthy family.

_I shouldn’t complain. I shouldn’t feel bad about my parents not being affectionate. I shouldn’t break the rules. Maybe if someone else were their child, they would treat them better._

Sure, the problem was definitely him. When did he started to be so pathetic, where did he go wrong? Chae Hyungwon, that was never athletic or academically outstanding. Chae Hyungwon, too tall, too skinny, too weak; the fault was nobody but his own. He was handsome, at least, like some people would say. He was a pretty face and nothing else, _how could he?_

His teenage years brought a unique event regarding his family: they stopped caring about what the he did or didn’t do. Nothing but a kick in the guts; it wounded more than being controlled all the time. Maybe he was wrong about everything, and it wasn’t that bad, after all. His attempts of getting attention were hopeless; storming out of the table towards the living room, Hyungwon smashed a Qing Dynasty sculpture on the floor with all the strength he could muster, but all he got was a look of contempt; an order for one of the housemaids to clean that mess came afterwards. His routine was basically going out in the middle of the night to walk around distant blocks; sometimes went to Kihyun’s house when he didn’t felt too miserable, sometimes he’d spend money on expensive shit he neither wanted or needed. Not a single reaction.

Something inside Hyungwon was ruined and could never be repaired. He was alone in that goddamn world, and understanding that felt like he was being punished for evils he didn’t remember. Despising his parents was a sin worth of so much suffering? Hyungwon felt like a fish that couldn’t be on water without choking to death; so why was he alive? He was useless, unwanted.

Stepping into his father’s office at the entrance of the second floor, there was the 18-year-old Hyungwon, graduated from high school, listening to them talk about plans he never chose; sending him overseas to study, later marrying him into a good family, with a girl. Hyungwon will never forget the sickened look in his mother and father’s faces when he said, after years of practice in his mind, that he wasn’t marrying a girl because he doesn’t like girls _that way_. Another crack in his heart.

Disappointment was the only thing he could see, but they didn’t even try to persuade him. His parents, truly, didn’t give a shit if he lived or died; he was a defective toy that would be quickly replaced by a new one. Hyungwon didn’t matter in that household, never did. A few hours later he received a response: he should leave town, and never mention again to anybody that he’s their child. His reward was a monthly deposit account; they didn’t want a mess if Hyungwon sued them someday regarding his legal rights. Very nice coming from people who treated him like a foolish doll his entire life, right?

He hated himself for wanting them to fight for him; a sudden change of heart would have him doing whatever they wanted. Maybe saying they’d like their son to stay, or forcing him into something he never wanted; Hyungwon was conditioned to submit anyway.

His illusions never became true. If asked to talk about the people who raised him, Hyungwon wouldn’t know what to say. He lived 18 years with people he didn’t know; they shared the same roof, but never were more than acquaintances. The raven-haired’s feelings was similar to the sensation when you’re crossing a street and glance at a stranger, knowing damn well that you’ll never see them again.

But Hyungwon did, if he was fast enough. He’d wander across that gigantic house and, stopping by the threshold or one of the windows, looked back; that place didn’t seem to want him there too. The gift of being born turned into a nightmare he didn’t even realized he was in. To pull back together the shattered parts himself him would require a miracle; a lifetime of mistreatment wouldn’t go away that easily.

Recognizing, for the first time, that he was wronged by his parents made a progress when he entered the phase of feeling nothing but anger. Angry at them, at him. To blame himself was the best way to fuel his self-hatred, was faster in finding out the culprit of his unhappiness. No matter how many times he looked into his actions, to see what he did to deserve that, there was no answer but being utterly weak. If Hyungwon were more like _this_ or like _that_ , maybe his mother and father would love him. Maybe he’d receive hugs all the time, all the kinds of fondness he had been always denied. Maybe he wouldn’t be a dead weight.

Kihyun helped him a lot through all of this. The most arduous part to Hyungwon was to ask for help, but the brown-haired always seemed to know what was in his mind. They fought, countless times, about Hyungwon’s parents being assholes. At first, the younger would often burst out of places because he couldn’t handle all that yelling, all that salt in his wounds. Hyungwon felt an urge to defend them, saying it was just the way they were, it didn't mean they were bad people. It was never the normal way to live.

Years of struggle were recompensed with the acceptance that he deserved better. It wasn’t a pleasant process, and it was forever in course. He was pretty sure he wasn’t going to wake up one day and think _“Holy shit, I totally love myself and people who don’t like me doesn’t matter anymore because I didn’t deserve all the crap I went through. I feel great!”,_ just like that. Hyungwon had good and bad days like everybody else, and in the bad ones Kihyun was always there for him, never holding grudges, never allowing him to push the older away. The truth is that help not always comes in a way that you can return the kindness. There are certain things in life you can’t pay back.

The brown-haired was there when his anxiety first hit him at full power; Hyungwon was 12-years-old and had fucked up so bad in Math that he almost failed the class. Kihyun found him in a corner of the school bathroom, barely managing to not pass out. The older was just a kid, too. He was just a kid, but he saved Hyungwon’s life that day, and never stopped since then. He moved to Seoul first, and the raven-haired spent a year in anguish to be able to follow his best friend. Once there, Hyungwon rented a place near Kihyun, who was already enrolled in college and living in the university's dorms, spending some time around until he passed the acceptance exam. He could never express how much it meant that, at least one person in his life, hadn’t abandoned him.

His parents were sort of an intermediary of how he met the third person who hurt him the most so far. Yes, Hoseok. During his first months in the university, Hyungwon would walk around with the hood of his sweatshirt on the entire time for fear of anyone identifying him, and that’s _exactly_ what happened that day. The end of his first year was marked with his first panic attack in there; a kid, perhaps a year younger than Hyungwon, cornered him in the halls after Hyungwon left one of his classes, and asked if he was a Chae. His panic didn’t allow him to say anything; the boy kept examining him as if he was a bug under a microscope, suddenly exclaiming that he was indeed, a Chae. The man looked a bit familiar, but he didn’t recall ever seeing him. Worst timing ever.

The raven-haired ran off so fast he’d never believe it if they told him he really did it.

“Young Master?”

Whirling around to meet the owner of the voice, Hyungwon saw the governess of the house standing there. He didn’t know her; his parents changed the house employees almost every year. He learned soon to not get attached to people.

Her voice was tremendously tender. He liked it.

“Hmm… Oh, sorry. I got… distracted.”

Her eyes turned to face the floor, as if she was ashamed of something. He didn’t get it.

“I know you must be tired from the trip, but they’re requesting your presence downstairs.” The woman, possibly her ‘40s, smiled shyly. “You have to… identify them.”

The raven-haired opened his mouth to say something, but the only thing that came out of it was an “Oh.”

“I’m sorry, Young Master.” She looked like he was.

“Please. Call me Hyungwon. I know I’m… Now… But you can call me Hyungwon.”

 

 

They blamed the downpour of the night before for the accident. He heard some statements that their driver warned them about the hazards of the weather, but his parents were firm in their decision; apparently, the couple needed to get a flight no matter what. The car slipped off the road and rolled over five times before stopping, with the vehicle completely wrecked. His parents’ driver died from the crash impact, instantly. His mother and father did get to the hospital alive, but their fight was over minutes after that.

At least that’s what he heard from the family’s lawyer the night before, on the phone.

Feeling guilty was the worst part, even worse than being numb for not knowing how to react. Hyungwon felt mortified because he wasn’t sad or feeling anything else about their deaths, he should, right? That’s what children feel towards their parents when they lose them. So… why wasn’t he?

Being in that house made him feel like there was eyes on him in every corner of it, like an animal in captivity currently under the judgements of his jailors. The hate Hyungwon felt about that place was immeasurable. With every fiber of his body, he detested that it was never a home to him. At that point, he had to accept the fact that he’d never knew how it was like — to feel like he had a place to come back to, no matter what. He got used to it, just as he got used to a lot of things in his life he wasn’t supposed to.

 

 

The noise from the TV woke Changkyun up, making him let out a groan. Moving around to grab his phone, he saw Kihyun sitting by the edge of their bed. It was only 6am, good Lord.

“Kihyun?”

No response.

Finally paying attention to the TV, he understood what was getting his boyfriend’s attention.

_“The official report is that a car crash was responsible for the deaths of the Chaebol couple. A thunderstorm that hit Gwangju last night made the roads unpractical for driving, costing their lives. The head couple of the Royal Chae Group left behind only a son, still unknown from the public eye, heir to the entire…”_

_Oh, fuck._

Settling in beside Kihyun, he tried to speak with the older again.

“Ki... Are they…”

“Yes.” His boyfriend replied quickly, still with a stunned look about the news. “Hyungwon’s parents.”

Changkyun knew his hyung came from a rich family; it wasn’t something the man hid from other people, Hyungwon just didn’t talk much about that. What he didn’t expect was for his boyfriend’s best friend to be a 3rd generation Chaebol heir. That was way beyond of what Changkyun had ever thought.

With a lifeless look, Kihyun craned his neck towards the younger. “I have to go to Gwangju.”

There was a restlessness in the maknae’s heart that seemed to be permanent. “Did you text him?”

“Yes.”

Changkyun got closer to hug Kihyun’s waist, gently. “What did he say?”

“Said he’s fine. He fucking said he’s fine, Jesus Christ. Said he knew I want to go there, but that I should wait until tomorrow because it’s Saturday, so I wouldn’t miss work.”

“Did you call your mom? She could go to him.”

“Yeah, she freaked out. Said it’s the only thing the city is talking about. And Hyungwon…”

“Hates that. The press ain’t looking like they gonna get off him.”

The brown-haired sighed. “Yeah. I can’t… Fuck, it’s too much happening. If I don’t know how to… handle this, how can I help him? I can’t be like this when I get there, Kyun.”

It was too much. With his boyfriend’s head on his shoulder, the rapper tried to think about a way to make things better.

“We’ll figure that out, okay? I’ll go with you. We gonna be alright, all of us.”

 

 

“Holy shit, Hyunwoo. Are you seeing this?”

Emerging from the kitchen, the older had a coffee mug in hands. He seemed tired, and unhappy.

“Yeah, Min. It’s all over the news since earlier. I texted him, he’s already in Gwangju.”

Sitting down on the couch, Minhyuk rubbed his face with his hands to see if all of this wasn’t just a nightmare. “Should we go there?”

“I don’t think so.” His boyfriend sounded very certain. “Hyungwon said Kihyun is going there tomorrow, there’s no need.”

“But… He just lost his parents, hyung. I don’t know…”

Bending down a bit, Hyunwoo kissed his forehead.

“Just send him a lovely message, okay? Kihyun will tell us if we’re needed there.”

Nodding, the dark-haired headed to the bathroom, to get ready for work.

 

 

_“Gun? Jesus fucking Christ, do you know?”_

Pushing his rotary chair back to have more space to move in his small studio, Gunhee answered his boyfriend on the phone.

“Yeah, babe. It’s everywhere, it’s impossible not to know. Horrible.”

Jooheon sounded like he was about to cry, it made Gun’s heart ache _._

_“Did you texted Hyungwon? What should we do? I don’t know shit, Gun. I want to see him.”_

“I did. Kihyun hyung will stay with him. I think we should give him some time. Kihyun will call us if something happens.”

 

 

The ringing bell over the restaurant’s door snapped him out of his momentary trance, still staring at his phone’s screen. A blurry picture of Hyungwon leaving a building was in every goddamn website in the country; he had a black mask covering his mouth and nose, but Hoseok knew it was him. He knew it was his parents everybody was talking about. He could only imagine how the younger was feeling right now with dozens of reporters on his tracks.

Minhyuk’s name flashed on the screen, breaking his chain of thoughts.

_“Hyung.”_

“How is he? Did you text him? What he said? I know I shouldn’t…”

_“He’s holding up. That’s what he told us. Ki gets there tomorrow, he’ll keep us updated.”_

“I see. Thanks, Minhyukkie. I know I didn’t-”

_“No problem, hyung. I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready. If it could be quickly, it’d be nice though.”_

Hoseok sneezed, earning a look from the lady behind the counter. “I’ll try, Minhyukkie.”

_“I think you should talk with the boys, while this whole thing cools down. I’m sure they missed you.”_

 

 

“You do know you can’t hide forever, right?”

Hyungwon chuckled, fidgeting hands on his lap while he lied down in the bed he once called his. The older glared at him, sick and tired of the situation.

“I’m serious. It has been two days since they died, and tomorrow is the funeral… You’ll have to show your face. Your family’s company won’t be able to hold info from the press forever. You will be all over the news at some point. At least do it yourself.”

Hyungwon sighed, realizing how exhausted he was. He didn’t rest much since Kihyun and Changkyun arrived that morning; actually, he didn’t get any sleep since he arrived in Gwangju.

“Tomorrow.” The taller covered his eyes with his forearm, huffing. “I’ll do it tomorrow, okay? I’ll give them something solid to talk about.”

Carefully dragging his feet to the man’s bed, the brown-haired sit beside him.

“Turtle, did you… cry?”

That statement made Hyungwon prop his body up with his elbows behind his back, scowling at him.

“What kind of question is that? Your mother asked me the same thing.”

“Hyungwon. Your father and your mother died. I just assume this is… something people cry over? Despite, well… _shit_.”

The raven-haired furrowed his eyebrows. His friend was about to space out, but the taller unexpectedly responded.

“I just… don’t feel like it. People will eat me alive because of this, by the way. They expect me _to cry_.”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want.”

Hyungwon snickered. “Well, tell that to those lawyers and the PRs. I told them I didn’t want coverage of the funeral and they almost had a stroke.”

God, Kihyun hated this industry, this entire Chaebol thing.

“When you show your face, they’ll dig up everything about you. Are you ready for that?”

Hyungwon’s confused look turned into a panicked one in a few seconds.

“Even about…”

“Yeah. They’ll know. Are you ready to be outed to the entire country?”

Hyungwon dropped his body back on the bed, groaning. “Oh, Jesus fucking Christ on a double decker.”

 

 

“Hyung.” Jooheon’s muffled voice almost passed unnoticed. “It’s really good to see you, but you’re crushing my ribs.”

“Oh, sorry, sorry.” Scratching his head, Hoseok could barely contain his joy. “I really missed you guys. Your hair is so long, Joohoney.”

Gun, with crossed arms, stepped out behind his boyfriend faking a cough.

“I know all of us love Jooheon the most, but I think I deserve a hug too, just saying.”

He laughed; it felt so good. Honestly, it was probably the first time he had genuinely laughed since he came back to Korea. His friends were still the same, and he appreciated they were receiving them with, literally, open arms.

“We missed you, hyung. Things were so… fast.”

The older’s expression turned a bit gloomy. “Yeah.”

“So…” Gun moved to sit up straight in his chair, sipping on his drink. They chose to meet at the old coffee shop they used to go when in college. “Are you gonna tell us what in the world happened?”

Hoseok wanted to tell. So bad. The weight he had been carrying for the past year was suffocating him, but it had to be to him, first. It didn’t seem right telling the others before telling Hyungwon; Hoseok could wait, but it was agonizing.

“Sorry, Gun. I have to tell him first. It’s… complicated.”

The older rapper frowned. “You came back because of him?”

_Of course._

“Yes.”

Biting his lip nervously, Jooheon spoke again. “So, you still like him, right?”

_Of course._

“He’s the love of my life, forever.”

“But then why-”

With a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder, the silver-haired intervened. “He’ll tell us when he’s ready, Gun. Be patient.”

 

 

Hyungwon cried his heart out, truly. The redness of his face made him look like a human calamity; a while ago he chose a spot to drag himself to, under the wide window of his room; that entire space was just too big, always has been. He hated it. He hated that place so fucking much. He shared a roof with strangers for most of his life, was treated like he was a worthless piece of shit and chased away because he wasn’t straight. Yet, someone from the PR team had the audacity to whisper in his ear, in the middle of his parents’ burial, to “at least cry for the press pictures”. What did they do to deserve his crying, until the very last moment? But Hyungwon cried. It wasn’t for the ones that raised him, though. He sobbed because of there was no limit to his misery, he cried because opening up to people only led to abandonment. Noticing how much he had sunk in was like waking up from a coma; the truth is that he hit the rock bottom a long time ago, and still kept digging.

His tears were, mainly, for himself. For everything he had been through, for all the things he’d still have to face. His pictures, at that moment, already would be all over the news; tabloids digging up his past and making an unfitting profile of him was the only thing he was certain about. Hyungwon didn’t need this, not now, not ever.

“Hyungwon.”

Lifting his head in fear, his shoulders’ tension lessened a bit when he saw who was standing there. It was Kihyun, always there.

His sobs became incontrollable, and the thing he detested the most was to be seen like that. However, Hyungwon needed someone. To say that everything was gonna be okay, even though it’s a lie. He hated himself for yearning for a glimpse at him, the raven-haired hated that could never go back to that soothing presence again. Everything Hoseok did or said was a lie, or out of pity. Sure, he was worth of pity. Looking like a mess under the dim light of his room, the moonlight being the only thing preventing him from drowning into the darkness, Hyungwon wanted nothing but to breakdown and never come back from that.

“It’s gonna be okay. I’m with you, forever. We’ll figure it out. Come on.”

The older extended an arm for him to get off the floor, and he took it. Trailing to the bed with his best friend, the desire to escape was stronger than never. He wanted to close his eyes and be back to those times, 2 years ago; just him and his friends stressing about college and doing dumb shit. And Hoseok. Everybody said that if he manages to forget what he made him feel, he’d be happier. How can he erase all the traces of the man that had mapped his entire body, leaving fingerprints everywhere? No matter how many showers Hyungwon took, it was always there. It was like a tattoo of a failed love, a token of his broken heart.

“Try sleep a bit, okay?” The brown-haired hovered over him, still standing up. Pushing the covers up, he settled himself beside Hyungwon, throwing an arm around his waist.

“Your boyfriend is in the room next door, _needy_.”

The taller heard Kihyun faking an offended gasp behind him.

“I’ll ignore this disrespect because of the mourning card. Idiot.”

“Kihyun.”

“Yes?”

“Thanks. For protecting me all these years.”

“You’re my brother, it’s my responsibility. Now shut up and go fucking sleep.”

 

 

_“KBS1 Exclusive: The heir to the Royal Chae Group has been revealed to be Chae Hyungwon, currently living in Seoul as a kindergarten teacher. He graduated from college as a Literature Major, and had a very troubled relationship with his parents…”_

_“A report just came in from our SBS sources, after the pictures of the Chaebol heir who recently lost his parents was made public. The statement from the Royal Chae Group confirmed that Chae Hyungwon is, indeed, the only inheritor of one of the biggest conglomerates of Korea…”_

_“The most interesting thing about the reveal of the Chae heir is the controversial information regarding his personal life, which spread quickly through social media, with a lot of evidences that confirm the existence of his unconventional relationship. Our JTBC staff tried to enter in contact with…”_

_“Netizens are divided about the issue involving the youngest heir about to assume the presidency of the Royal Chae Group, one of the largest construction companies in the country. His… unique romantic connection is yet to be confirmed by his staff, but it’s already one of the most commented topics online, not only in Korea, but all around the world. The MBC News didn’t manage to identify the Chae heir’s companion, but it’s a question of…”_

 

“Do you comprehend the utter chaos that’s going on right now, Mr. Chae?”

Sighing for, probably, the fifth time that hour alone, Hyungwon finally looked up to face a table full of unpleased old men. He couldn’t care less. God, he couldn’t bring himself to give a shit about anything.

“How do you expect us to cover up this scandal?” Said angry old man #2. “You should withdraw yourself for now for the sake of the Royal. This dishonor can’t be controlled.”

The heir smiled. “Don’t.”

“What?” All the old men exploded in anger, surprise or disgust. He didn’t care enough to pay attention to what they were thinking about him.

“There’s pictures everywhere. Are you going to deny it wasn’t me and…”

Fuck, he forgot that all of this included Hoseok. And maybe, just _maybe_ , Hyungwon was feeling a bit guilty for bringing him into this mess. Two weeks after his parents’ passing, that damn country wouldn’t shut the fuck up about his life. Of course the shares of the company dropped like it was hot, but as he said, no shits given.

“Some Asian and European investors seem to like the fact that I’m not straight, so take a chill pill. Apparently diversity is good for the business these days because they’re trying to get the westerners up their asses. Some Taiwan companies sent me flowers yesterday. Ain’t that nice?”

“It’s just not natural!” Old angry men #3 was indeed, full of anger. He looked at Hyungwon the same way his parents did when they discovered about his sexuality; the difference was that the old prick looked like he was about to punch him in the face.

“Neither is that hair transplant in your head, but you don’t see me meddling in your life. Shall I remember you, gentlemen, that 51% of this company is mine? In other words, I’m the major shareholder?”

He didn’t have time to deal with bigots, not now, not never. The fact that he had to assume and deal with his parents’ legacy was already sucking the life out of him. He didn’t know for how long he could handle this.

“I do depend on your opinions, as the board directors of the Royal Chae, but don’t think for a second that I’m going to bend my knees to your bullshit.”

If their silence after his speech could say something, maybe it was that they didn’t expect him to be like this.

“This is a free country, leave and sell your shares if you have a problem with me. I’ll deal with this on my own. I’ll be leaving first.”

Pushing back the big leather chair he was sitting, at the head of the table, Hyungwon left without any greetings. Because fuck them, that’s why. A horde of lawyers followed him through the halls, towards to the office that used to belong to his father.

“Mr. Chae, you’ll be making powerful enemies if you continue to be like this. You, indeed, are the owner of this corporation, but you depend on those people to lead it. Do as they say, it’s for the best.”

Rolling his eyes, Hyungwon went to sit in another big leather chair at the big desk of the room. These rich men sure love some comfortable shit, at least.

“And what that’d be?”

Lawyer #2 promptly answered. “About your… issue. It must be shut down once and for all. Let it die as it never happened, deny everything, say it was a youth mistake.”

Clenching his fist to not toss something at that dipshit, Hyungwon simply crossed his arms and snickered. “No.”

As expected, Lawyer #3 was astonished by his boldness. “But it’ll ruin our image in the long run! This is a conservative country, Mr. Chae. You can’t keep this _life style_.”

The glare that Hyungwon threw at the third man to speak could’ve burned a hole in his head. The rest of the lawyers didn’t even move.

“You’re fired. All of you. Please report to the HR department to see about your rights.”

The six men in front of him started building arguments at the same time, turning the discussion into a chaos of yelling and indignation.

“You can’t do that! I’ve been work to this company since your father assumed this chair!”

Leaning back to rest his back in the chair, the younger had no more points to prove.

“Mr.… Whatever your name is. Look at me. Look at this expensive ass suit. There is no power in the tongue of man to alter me. Be gone, attorneys.”

Under protests of reporting that decision to the other shareholders, the men finally left. It was the middle of April already, but time seemed to pass slower than a herd of snails. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Hyungwon let out a tired groan; he didn’t want that nuisance, but things were bigger than him. However, that didn't mean he was about to deal with homophobes during his time in there. Not in a thousand lives he’d be cut out for that kind of thing, but he did it anyway; hundreds of people depended on him, and a single look at those twats was enough to see they’d seek benefit only for themselves; everybody in the industry does. If Hyungwon could do something to help those who worked hard there and in the other branch offices, maybe he’d be rewarded with less pain in his next life. So as far as he was concerned, the board directors could go suck a dick. It’s not like he wasn’t being bombarded with hate and judgement in a daily basis. Sometimes it felt like he would break and give it all up, and every day was a good surprise of how much he handled without breaking inside. 

Speaking of judgements, the raven-haired momentarily forgot that all of that immense exposure would bring Hoseok back into his life; from the point of view of his anxiety, the walls around him weren’t too far away from crushing his body. Hyungwon had to be an idiot, of course. Ignoring all his instincts, he read some of the online articles a few times. Why not? He was a huge fan of triggering himself into feeling like a piece of shit. Pictures of them reached the tabloids weeks ago and people still wouldn’t shut up about it, which was entirely that dumbass’ fault for not deleting that stupid Instagram account. So he maybe deserved to suffer a little. However, as much as he detested thinking about him, being outed to a conservative country surely wasn’t very fun.

That chain of events brought back the feelings of vulnerability he felt when Hoseok left. On most days, Hyungwon didn’t have the time to cry like a baby, due the amount of bureaucracy shit he had been dealing for the past month. All the voices of his subconscious screamed that he should run, run and never look back. His parents’ legacy was making a decision of fight or flight; the scars in his heart should’ve made him give up on all of that, but it wasn’t the right call. The raven-haired felt bad for not managing to feel at least some empathy for his late mother and father. Sure, he didn’t feel positive towards them, but Hyungwon didn’t want them to die. Their relationship should’ve remained what it was; the vast space between them kept everything balanced. The sky was falling on his head, and passersby pointed their fingers at him; guilty, guilty 

The new situation felt like solving a Rubik cube. Hyungwon was trying to fix the problems in his family’s company as much as he could, but for that he had to give up on his job at the kindergarten; parents didn’t want to send their kids to a place that hadn’t _someone like him_ in their staff, for the sake of the kids. The raven-haired heard a lot of bad things about him lately, but that specifically stabbed him in the chest. He didn’t even got to say goodbye to the kids, and he missed them like crazy; being in that environment healed him every single day. In there, was a tiny piece of the world that didn’t suck, and slipped through his fingers. Being his true self was no longer an option.

Regarding the management of his… public image, it was pain in the ass. With the Royal losing a significant quantity of money due the withdrawals of investments and the stock prices dropping like crazy, Hyungwon chose to focus on the ones that were interested in the corporation because of his… situation; he knew they’d use him to promote their public image, but he didn’t have the luxury to care about it.

Not even his apartment was safe anymore. When he tried to go back there, journalists were crowding the hallway of his building; it was probably a hassle to the other tenants. Hyungwon was forced to change all the places he used to go, wearing a mask all the time to avoid the wave of gossips around him, when he need to get a break from that hellhole. It wasn’t like being a celebrity; a lot of people had nothing but disgusted looks to throw at him, whispers that he was sick, that he was born the wrong way. To preserve, at least, a small part of himself was question of honor; Hyungwon wasn’t going to hide anymore. He fought so hard to be the person he was… if Korea had a problem with his sexuality, the Royal Chae’s international investors didn’t, and that made the raven-haired feel a bit, just a bit, better. The relevance of his conglomerate among other countries in Asia, mostly from Thailand and Japan, had increased significantly since he became the CEO; a surprise for the man, of course, but perhaps the scandal’s impact it in the Western press was what triggered their curiosity. It was a glimpse of hope, leastwise. A shit ton of Western countries, mostly Europeans, were astonished by his audacious move of being openly gay in a very old-fashioned nation.

At some point, Hyungwon got tired of being ostracized wherever he’d go. He wanted his anonymous life back, but the mess kept getting bigger and bigger; some other companies even started pressuring the board to take him out his position. Changing his mindset to care less about what others said was a hard thing to achieve; his anxiety teared him apart as soon as he got to his new place, near the main building. When he was crying so hard it became difficult to breathe, his wish to disappear to where no one knew him, only grew stronger.

His new life style, even though he swore to himself it was temporary, made him keep a certain distance from his friends, despite Kihyun being a stupid bitch and still coming to see him at least once a week, not to mention the dozens of texts on his new phone — some dickwad got his former number, somehow. In the beginning, every time he saw Kihyun’s blurred face beside him on newspapers, TV and online, his heart ached for fear of fucking up his friend's life. They argued so much about this that, eventually, Hyungwon didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. The world drained him, but he’d bite his arm off before giving the bigots the satisfaction of seeing his fall.

The media seemed to be having the time of their lives, as if homosexuality were invented yesterday. Daily, he received requests from broadcast companies he didn’t even know it existed, but the majority of it was constituted of foreigners; he could hear from his office the struggle of his secretary, declining interviews in at least four languages.

It took him a while to think again about how Hoseok was dealing with that exposure. He could’ve asked Minhyuk or the other boys about it, but young heir didn’t want to show that he, somehow, cared. Because he didn’t. It was just curiosity.

Leaving his office, he walked towards his secretary’s desk; the woman was a middle-aged patient figure, and Hyungwon didn’t know how she put up with his father for 14 years.

Clearing his throat, he announced his arrival. “Mrs. Kim.”

She looked up at him with a puzzled expression.

“Yes, Mr. Chae?”

Smiling, he spoke again. “I need you to find someone for me.”

 

 

Being a psychologist was a very pretentious job, Hoseok concluded at some point of his career. People paid you to listen to their life stories, or to be questioned by you for things they didn’t even know they were feeling. However, you have to be the person who, apparently, knows everything. But you don’t know everything, not even about yourself. You can’t let it show, though. Helping people, even the difficult ones, was the noble job he chose to pursue since he still was in high school. People are complex beings, and get to know more of them, how they function or what could have a large impact on them depending on the environment they found themselves in, or simply were born in, brought a passion in Hoseok that kept him going.

One of his teachers from college invited him to work at his clinic, a very spacious building that concentrated in attending children, teenagers and young adults. What gained his interest was the fact that they had a program dedicated to attend people that didn’t have the money to invest in therapy. It was very much what he envisioned himself doing, at least for now.

The summer of 2019 was a very tough one. As much as it distressed him, a flood of memories invaded his brain; nights and days of sleeping with Hyungwon, that even with the absurd heat of his dorm room, clutched his arms around one of his and slept peacefully. Thinking about how he took everything for granted, that entire year, made him feel like the biggest idiot on earth. He possibly was, to be honest.

His heart begged him to go and speak with the younger man, to try to make things right or at least explain… to answer his questions. Hoseok knew he’d have a lot of them, and it made him feel like shit to think that he’d have to face that. Not because of him, but only for the things that Hyungwon would’ve to hear.

 

 

“You need to a hire permanent team of lawyers, Mr. Chae. We have a lot of issues to deal with.”

One of the shareholders, that he wasn’t too despicable, was basically begging him.

“I have someone in mind. Someone I trust, and that isn’t a brainwashed asshole. You’ll be hearing from him soon, something solid comes this way.”

Hyungwon followed his instincts, despite it all. It had been a long time since he saw the man currently sitting in front of him in his office, and he seemed to be the same man he met years ago — He greeted Hyungwon with a wide and dorky smile on his face as soon as he saw the young CEO.

Bowing, the taller smiled back at him. “Mr. Kang, have you been well?”

The lawyer he met at Hoseok’s house beamed at him, eyes turning into crescent moons. Sehee was a lucky woman.

“Yes, thank you. You look well too, Hyungwon. Oh- Sorry, I mean, Mr. Chae.”

“God, _no_.” He snorted. Kang Jiho was a very nice man, he decided. “Everybody here refuses to call me by my name, so please do call me Hyungwon. You’d be doing me a favor.”

Nodding, Jiho spoke again. “Sure. But why did you ask to meet me?”

“I want you to work for me. I’ll pay the triple of what you gain in your current job.”

The younger could see he was taken aback by his statement. Not in a bad way, apparently.

“But… You can hire better lawyers than me. Why me?”

“Because I trust you.” After a brief pause, he continued to talk. “Actually, I want to trust you, if you’re willing to accept my offer. I think you’re the only person I feel comfortable putting to work in this place. I don’t want idiots who think they know everything, much less homophobes.”

Jiho furrowed his brows, as if he was digesting every word Hyungwon said. After a while, the lawyer looked amused.

“Sure. I never worked for a corporation so big, but I’ll do my best. Because it’s you, and my entire family loves you, no matter what happened back then.”

_Go away, memories._

Hyungwon was relieved, for real. “You can choose whoever you want for your team. I trust your judgement.”

“I’ll prove to be worthy of your trust, Hyungwon-ah.”

 

 

“He is going to do WHAT?”

_“Jesus Christ, Hoseok, stop trying to getting me deaf like dad does when I call him. He contacted Jiho yesterday, and he went to see Hyungwon at the Hyungwon’s company this morning. He just called to say he’s officially the chief lawyer of the legal department. Also yelled.”_

Hoseok didn’t notice his mouth was fully open in surprise. Sehee sounded very amused, almost as if she could see him.

“This is good, I guess. Hyung can… help him. I’m… glad.”

_“Oh, cut the crap. We all know this maybe can be your ticket back into my brother-in-law’s life.”_

His oldest sister could be obnoxious, good God. Especially about his (deceased) love life. A twinge in his heart was just waiting to happen.

“We broke up, stop calling him that.”

Another twinge.

_“You… Look, I know we all agreed to wait for you to explain that to us and I respect you, but if you give up on Hyungwon we all decided to never make you ramen for the rest of our lives. I shit you not, boy.”_

 

 

When he woke up that morning, the sun was triumphantly in the sky. Now, the rain didn’t seem to have an end. Hyungwon could barely see a thing from his office’s windows.

“Looking through all the accounting books and verifying the Royal’s current situation in the subsidiaries, I have to say that some things are a bit… odd.”

Jiho sat beside him on the leather couch in his office, showing him some numbers and results of his team’s research on his laptop. Hyungwon didn’t understand half of it, to be honest, but he at least could give his attention.

Calmly, his lawyer explained what he was talking about.

“The Royal Chae was in charge of the project of the Sasaki Mall in Tokyo, but there isn’t a single legal record of this among the inventory.”

Well, that was really odd. “That place that collapsed 5 years ago? It killed a dozen people, I think?”

“Exactly. It seems like… I’m sorry, Hyungwon, but there’s no nice way to say that. I think the Royal covered the tracks of the agreement with the Japanese client, to avoid being blamed for the collapse of the building and dealing with the consequences.”

Leaning back on the couch, Hyungwon wasn’t even surprised by that.

“I’m don't even doubt, to be honest.” His parents and the people he saw around them when he was younger always seemed to be fishy. “What’s the situation with the families of the victims?”

“They founded an association to demand justice for the people they lost, but the Royal Chae has never responded to the pleads.”

“Jesus. Well, we’ll clear up this. Anything else?”

“So…” His lawyer seemed apprehensive. “I found some records of your mother’s funding. The money she inherited from being her father’s only child was in her personal bank account; therefore, the Royal wasn’t supervising it. Now that everything is yours, and you asked me to managed that too, we joined it in all the examinations into the Royal’s records. Two years ago, she had quite… interesting patterns on spending her money.”

“What do you mean?”

“We don’t know much, but it seems she was doing a monthly deposit to a private account in another country, so we couldn’t get hands on it yet. It may take a while.”

The raven-haired nodded, even if he was confused by that. “I see.”

Clearing his throat, Jiho moved to a new topic.

“You mentioned a few weeks ago of your desire of selling your shares, if I’m not mistaken?”

It wasn’t like being a CEO was in Hyungwon’s future plans.

“Yes, yes. Any news?”

“Well, yes. A Thai construction company offered a very good proposal, and seemed to agree with all of your requirements. They agreed in not firing Royal employees and should give all the rights to the ones they considered necessary to dismiss; compromised, legally, to keep the records of the company’s investments available in the Royal’s website; to do at least 5 donations per month to charities of their choice… so, everything. But…”

“What?” Of course things wouldn’t happen easily. Never did.

The man rubbed his face with his hand, leaning his back on the couch. Not good.

“The owner of the company is a very… liberal woman. She’s married to a woman, if that influences something in you. She saw the news about you maintaining your leadership even after Korea’s outrage, and was very fascinated, because she’s also not straight. The CEO’s only request was for you to visit her in person; you can sign the contract there.”

“Sure, I can do that.”

Seeing Jiho sighing, for some reason made him nervous.

“The thing is… You have to show up with your… _partner_. The media over there is quite attracted to that, so she thinks it’d be a very good publicity to calm down the industry about the selling.”

_What the fuck?_

The taller frowned. “But I don’t have one…” _Oh, shit._ “Wait. You got to be kidding me.”

He looked almost ashamed of delivering the news.

“Yeah. The CEO saw you and… Hoseok. Pictures of you two together and everything. She made very clear that she wants to meet _the couple_. I’m sorry, I know it’s-”

_No. Fucking. Way._

His attempts to not look too affected by that were failing. “We’ll find another buyer.”

“I know it’s complicated because… It’s complicated. But are you sure? She has a very good reputation in the market. In just two years, she tripled her company’s revenue.” Carefully, his lawyer finished his speech. “It’s just my opinion, but I think she’d lead well here.”

“What if I show up alone?”

“In my experience and observing what happens in these transactions, there’s a possibility that she could withdrawal her offer. As I said, she’s very interested in you both.”

Groaning, Hyungwon buried his face in his hands, bending his head towards his lap.

“This is my hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is hoseok's POV, put the knife down
> 
> to abuse survivors, from an abuse survivor: you're brave, and you do not have to forgive people that did that to you. if you want to, its fine too. as long as you're okay with yourself, its all cool. it wasn't your fault. you deserve all the love and care in the world. i love you <3
> 
> YALL THOUGHT IT WAS OVER  
> welcome to another fake dating au my guys 
> 
> ////////UNRELATED BUT INFINITE CAME BACK FROM THE WAR I CRIED LIKE A BABY PLEASE APPRECIATE MY BOYS STREAM "TELL ME" ON YT///////
> 
>  
> 
> INFO: new chapter is coming on hyungwon's bday! (for real, if not ill ignore the laws of this land and kick myself in the ass) bc my son deserves it  
> *sheds a single tear* they grow up so fast
> 
> see yall next week, kids


	11. Memories Engraved In The Seasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an ode to loving chae hyungwon, by shin hoseok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my gays how u doing
> 
> first of all, [in an emotional and caring voice] HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY TURTLE, A TOL TALENTED MEME PRINCE THAT I LOVE VERY MUCH. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF YOU IDIOT DONT GET SICK YOU DESERVE ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD FOR FUCK'S SAKE DONT MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF 
> 
> as promised, here's an update on hyungwon's bday (its 2am of january 15 where i live) but this is kinda short (6k lmao) anyways i hope u kids like it
> 
> the title is from EXO's Universe, a bitch cried and it now my favorite EXO song
> 
> enjoy it (or not)

Hoseok didn’t know what he was doing.

His thoughts and his actions didn’t match, as if he knew how to win a chess game, and yet made the wrong move. It was the wrong move, but there wasn’t a winner in this. Thorns enveloped his rib cage with the intention of pierce through his heart; it didn’t take it too long for every step he took away from him felt like dying. The magnetic tape reeling around his throat kept repeating a pitiless script; it didn’t matter his efforts to undo all of that, not that he was able to. The time to which he couldn’t go back anymore was only a hopeless wish, it was already set in stone. 

Holding onto the memories as if his life depended on it, he went away. His footsteps were excruciating, but Hoseok did it anyway. Everything he sacrificed was pushing him forward, to leave to the where he should be. In his fantasies, someone showed up and convinced him to give up all of that, to run back to him. Nothing was achieved, so he had to suck it up and pretend to be fine. He was fine, even though he sprinted off to the airport’s bathroom, after the call, to cry until he felt nothing but emptiness; because that’s was his accomplishment. He was fine when he rummaged his bag like a lunatic, trying to find the last of his shirts that the man he left behind wore; his scent vanished too soon, but the fault was only his. The universe was being fair.

It was only in the aftermath, the real phenomenon that didn’t feel like it, that the thoughts about how he supposed to live with himself hit him like a thunderbolt. His soul resided in a place in creation where Hyungwon’s was meant to be too. Alone, where the hell should he go?

Hoseok had to survive, at least for a while. His bed, at the little apartment shared with the polite French man he met in college, was way too big for himself; some nights his mind allowed him to picture the man he loved there, lazy smile on raven-haired’s face, eyes still shut. The rug was pulled out from under him, body crashing into his cold reality that didn’t have the other anymore.

Parting ways with Hyungwon felt like losing a limb, and he was the one that threw himself to the wolves. Giving Hyungwon that call shattered the parts of his heart that were still holding up; hearing him sound so broken, so betrayed… It was only natural for the raven-haired to hate him; Hoseok could’ve said all of that in person, but he knew he wouldn’t make it and being a coward was the best option.

Weeks, months; he was trapped in an endless nightmare and didn’t know how to get out. Between the screams inside his head, glimpses of his distant life could be seen, as if his body was trying to remind him why he was still alive. Forcing himself to remember the last time he saw the younger was a daily duty. Him, smiling as they kissed in Hoseok’s bed was a star rising inside his chest; his slender hands on his hair, on his arms, on his back; _his laugh_. Him, ruler of the meadows of his dreams. In looping, that film made his past almost tangible; drowning in self-loathing could wait, sometimes.

Time worked hard to be a great villain, but not harder than himself. As soon as he was left alone with his thoughts, his self-hatred grew like party balloons being inflated; the bottom of his suffering wasn’t close. Days and nights blended together in the calendar; the sun wasn’t the sun anymore but it was a good deception, reminding he was still breathing, and what he did still happened. Running away from his own mind, all the vigor inside his body was conveyed to his master’s degree on Clinical Psychology; nothing really fancy, but it was in a decent university inside his price range. His parents were never rich, but they lived well enough to support him from afar.

The couple was, also, left in the dark, but his mother and father respected his decision, with a massive worry about what he was doing. Hoseok got a part-time job, though. It made him feel less like a liability, and it made really hard to get any decent sleep for weeks; his brain refused to dream anymore, so it lessened urge to quit the whole damn thing. He knew better, though.

The first three months were the worst of his life. He woke up and he woke up, still alone; the fire fueling his body didn’t seem like it was his no more. It was bad, but he locked himself in a world where Hyungwon’s body was still on top of his, uttering the older’s name as if it’d erase the sins of humanity. There wasn’t any part of his heart left to break, but Hoseok didn’t have the right to be like that. He was nothing but a perpetrator in the ruins of a limbo, with no gods left to worship. 

Despite not being able to tell with precision when it happened, somehow he started pulling himself together. Convincing his conscience to give him break from feeling like crap 24/7 wasn’t easy, but at least worked most of the time. Surviving wasn’t equal to living, and Hoseok needed to live; he had responsibilities. Little by little, even though the pain was still there, these things encouraged him to endure. However, like a thief, he was stealing a small joy that wasn’t meant to be his. It was alright, he was going to give it back one day. 

His roommate was a nice guy, way cooler than he expected. The ginger man held his privacy in high regard, and he was, somehow, relieved for that. Their schedules were almost the opposite, so they barely witnessed each other’s presence; not having to explain, to someone, why he was bursting into tears in the middle of the kitchen was excellent for this dignity. When they met, mostly on the weekends, Hoseok noticed the man’s eating habits was terrible, so it became a routine to keep some leftovers for him in the fridge, now and then. Suddenly, he realized he hadn’t cooked anything since he left Korea; seemed like it was natural, so Hoseok accepted that little improvement.  

The city of lights was an incredible place, regardless of aura of melancholia surrounding it. Perhaps it was him that covered the entire town with his sorrow. His studies became the most effective diversion, to his own surprise. The opportunities Hoseok could have while stayed there weren’t meant to be overlooked; maybe those resources had something good to offer.

More or less by the end of July, he noticed it had been a while since he felt like he was going to breakdown at any time of the day; maybe in college, maybe in one of the aisles of the convenience store he worked in the mornings. His mother called at least once a week, making small talk and saying — always — that he could go back whenever he wanted to. The tight leash around his throat always remembered him why he was there.

Atmosphere covered with the sunlight and laughs, the clamor of one of his classmates for him to actually socialize won over Hoseok, mainly because he didn’t want to let the woman down.

The problem with walking down the streets — any street — is that he saw Hyungwon everywhere. In a sidewalk, beside him at the counter of a bar, haunting every shelf of his college’s library. He was a man, but also every single person in the world, junction of souls in just one body; not even the sky escaped from being touched by him. Somedays, the tall man childishly smiled at him; in others, his eyes carried so much sadness that his body was a vessel, desolation all over it. As every other human being, Hoseok saw what he wanted to see, and, those days, it felt like God was speaking to him about much he fucked up; his extended hand wanted to reach the younger, but the wind was the only element that grasped between his fingers.

_Don’t forget your crimes._

Sociable used to be one of his traits as a grad student; the way he changed was never an interesting topic of his musings. In France, Hoseok never had more than acquaintances. He missed his friends in Korea, deeply; he missed it all. Those silly times they spent together always made him feel a bit warm inside; he didn’t even know if they were still friends, though. The shame he felt was too intense to allow a call to one of the boys; maybe they despised him the same way he was sure Hyungwon already did, and he certainly wasn’t ready for a confirmation. The homesickness made Hoseok scroll, every day, through the dozens of pictures of his group of friends, trying to get a taste of their happy moments that he teared apart.

The raven-haired was there next to him in a lot of those; at his house for Christmas with his mouth full of ice cream cake, at the coffee shop with a turtleneck all the way up his mouth, in his dorm room when the older tickled him into a storm of laughs and his boyfriend would snuggle down Hoseok’s neck like a cat, always humming the same song against his skin; nothing beat the pictures in which the taller had just woken up, though. Covering his eyes to avoid the room’s bright light, the younger would throw himself on top of Hoseok to avoid being photographed, making it very hard for him to attend his classes; Hyungwon’s hands, steadily, travelling up and down his chest was his ultimate defeat.

It wasn’t intentional, but he changed his phone number when he got in the foreign country, because of course, it was a wonderful timing for his phone to die. And mainly to avoid the outcome of… that. However, in the morning of the first day of August, Hoseok was bombarded with calls from an unknown number; it came from Korea, so his first thought was Hyungwon, as it always was. Minhyuk screaming in his ear was the truth.

His friend was sobbing like a kid on the other end of the line; it was a struggle to try to understand what he was trying to say. After calming down a bit, Minhyuk spoke again.

_“8 MONTHS! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? WHY CHANGED YOUR NUMBER? WHY DID YOU LEAVE LIKE THAT? WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME?”_

“Minhyuk, one question at time.” He was glad. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I missed you trying to get me deaf.”

_“Then why…”_

“I can’t tell you yet. I’m sorry. But… we can keep in touch, if you… want to.”

Hoseok was sure his dongsaeng was frowning at that moment.

_“Why the fuck wouldn’t I want to? You’re my best friend. A fucking idiot, but my best friend.”_

“I thought… I mean… I supposed you guys weren’t actually… eager to hear of me again.”

An offended sigh. _“Look… We were very confused. Still confused, by the way. Except for Kihyun, he just wants your head in a silver plate.”_

Of course he would.

“I can imagine that. I… No, how... can you-”

_“He’s… there. Seems a bit better, but he struggles. Hyungwon is doing his best, despite… well, that.”_

His legs just didn’t have the strength to keep standing there. Reaching for the carpet underneath him, fully on the floor, he sat with his legs pressed against his chest. _Breathe in, breathe out. Keep going._

“I know I’m not in position of asking anything. But trust me one last time, okay? This was the only way. I miss you, all of you. And him, every minute.”

_“I know you. I just… don’t understand. But I’ll wait. Just don’t leave me in the dark thinking if you’re dead or worse.”_

For the first time since he left his home, Hoseok smiled. His eyes teared up without a warning.

“I can do that. Thank you, Minhyukkie. I just… I’m happy you called. How did you get this number, by the way?”

_“I asked your mom. She gave me in like, 10 seconds.”_

“Thank you. I’ve just been… lonely. It’s good to hear your voice. How are you doing?”

_“I’m fine. Next month, Hyunwoo and I will be graduating! And we found a place to move in, I’m super excited, I want to get a cat! Come back as soon as you can, okay?”_

 

 

The last months of the 2018 were fucking chaotic. He had so many essays to deliver besides his research project, and to worsen the whole thing, it was cold as hell. Maybe the nature should know when snow is just… too much. Going back and forth to college, at some point became too tiring, so Hoseok spent the last days of December in the library, trying to get something useful out of his brain.

One time, he picked up a random book to see if he could think better by focusing on other stuff, but it was everything but a helping hand.

 

_“Extinguish my eyes, I'll go on seeing you._

_Seal my ears, I'll go on hearing you._

_And without feet I can make my way to you,_

_without a mouth I can swear your name._

_Break off my arms, I'll take hold of you_

_with my heart as with a hand._

_Stop my heart, and my brain will start to beat._

_And if you consume my brain with fire,_

_I'll feel you burn in every drop of my blood.”_

When Hoseok needed a break, he’d wander around the city with the Polaroid camera he bought the year before; the first picture he wanted to take was Hyungwon’s, but it was already too late for that. Fountains, amusement parks, museums… Everything was him, the Hyungwon from before all that, for the younger was one of the most important parts of his existence. Hoseok’s heart belonged to him, so carrying it around in his chest felt like they had a tenuous bond. Unable to do more, Hoseok whispered his feelings for the raven-haired everywhere; he loved him in front of the Louvre, he loved him inside the crammed subways, he loved him at Place de la Concorde when the ground was entirely white, he loved him every time he said _goodnight_ and _good morning_ to an empty space beside him in bed, a spot in which Hoseok saw nothing but an irreplaceable person.

 

 

Minhyuk told him about Hyungwon’s graduation when he called to wish a happy new year. December was a hollow month; it felt like it was years ago that they were in his parents’ couch laughing at the dumb messages in their groupchat. How many eternities he had lived away from him? No answer. The holidays were long forgotten, staying inside his room watching movies and listening to music was his modus operandi; if Hoseok stopped even for one minute, he’d breakdown. Throughout that year, those were the moments he felt the loneliest; everybody disappeared and he was left all by himself in this huge world.

He was tired of being alone.

There were a lot of things Hoseok wanted in life, and sometimes he questioned himself if it wasn’t too much. But God, he didn’t care. He didn’t have to pretend anymore and even with the infinite expansion of the dark skies, the people he loved made it all seem less overwhelming.

 

 

By the end of the first week of March, Hoseok finished his master’s degree; it had to be delayed for a while because of some parts of the paperwork he needed to fix. Ready to take the first flight he could to go back home — his true home — he said a few goodbyes, not escaping the thoughts that what he was feeling pure fear. Maybe if he explained what happened, Hyungwon would forgive him, one day. One of his goals, as long as he was alive, was to make it up to the younger, in every way he could find.

His best friend picked him up at the airport. Minhyuk waved like crazy as soon as he set his eyes on the older, tackling him so hard he almost fell. The man asked so many questions that he didn’t have time to memorize anything. Someone was happy that he was back, it was enough for now.

 

 

“You’re blond.”

Hyunwoo examined him from head to toe, as if he was trying to be sure he was who he said he was.

“Yeah.”

“He will hate it.”

Minhyuk stepped between them, holding his boyfriend’s arm. “Hyung is right. But you just came back, so take a seat and tell me everything. I want pictures and I want all the deets.”

The blond chuckled. “Will do, Minhyukkie. I just-” It felt like he was holding his breath the entire time he was overseas, so he drew a sharp breath of relief. “I missed here. You guys. Everything.”

 

 

“Do you think this is going to work, for real?”

“He won’t accept talk to you in any other way. It’s a shitty idea, but you need to start somewhere.”

The dark-haired man had a point, but he was positive it’d backfire. Hoseok could handle the hatred, but that also meant to give the younger a hard time because of him — again. How could he make things right if he didn’t a chance to speak with him?

Months of longing only made him nervous; bullshit, it scared the living shit out of him.

 

 

“Hyungwon.”

Seeing him again was like gazing at the sea for the first time; nothing but stunning to see something so beautiful existing right in front of his eyes. Beautiful was an idle way to describe him, though. Maybe the correct term was only in a language that was yet to be invented.

“No.”

The younger looked utterly terrified. Holding a hand on Gun and Jooheon’s door, Hoseok tried again. He had a huge list of things he wanted to say, but now everything seemed to have vanished from his mind.

“Please…”

Hyungwon harshly pulled the door back inside the apartment, leaving it all open.

“Please what, Hoseok? What the fuck do you still want from me?”

“Can we talk?”

“No.”

God, he was desperate. He was desperate and he didn’t know what to do.

“2 minutes. All I ask.”

Glaring at Hoseok with a type of dislike the blond had never seen in him before, the other quickly replied.

“1 minute.”

Going into the darkness of the place, the older saw his silhouette turning into a clear figure. Every single atom of his body wanted to touch him so badly it almost felt like a crime. Sitting beside the rappers’ dog in the couch, Hyungwon waited for him to speak.

“How… are you?”

“55 seconds, Hoseok.”

What was he supposed to say? He wanted to apologize. He wanted to say the one in front of him was never the problem. Too many words wished to escape through his mouth, but he voiced just those that mattered.

“I missed you.”

Hyungwon looked up at him for the first time as if he didn’t believe Hoseok was there, releasing a scoff.

“Oh, cry me a river, Hoseok. Do I look like I give a fuck? Say what you want to say and leave.”

“I missed you. I thought about you every day. I still love you, like always. Today, tomorrow, next month, next year-”

The cold way the raven-haired dismissed his words made the ground beneath his feet begin to disappear.

“I’ve heard that before, don’t buy it. Go find some other idiot to fool. Do what you do best. Leave.”

For a brief moment of mutual staring, Hoseok was tempted to kiss him. He didn’t have that right anymore, he needed to remember.

“Please, let me-”

“Explain? What there is to explain, Hoseok? You left, I stayed. You, now, came back. Is that rocket science?”

“I left you because-”

“I don’t care. I don’t care about you have to say. Please, sir, go away.”

He wasn’t going to give up on him. “No. And stop talking formally to me, I’m not a stranger.”

The younger chuckled. “Yes,  _you are_. I don’t know you, Shin Hoseok. I know this dog better than I know you. Just answer me something: when did you start lying to me? After Christmas when you decided being with me wasn’t what you really wanted? Before that, when we were just friends? When? Tell me when I started being a fucking idiot.”

The urge to cry was getting stronger, but he couldn’t, not now. It was well deserved.

“I never lied to you, Hyungwon. Never.”

“You must think I’m really stupid. Actually,  _I am_  stupid. Only that explains why I believed when you said over and over again that you wouldn’t leave me, lying over and over again.”

Tears almost rolled down his face. _Fuck._

“It wasn’t a lie. I meant it. I do. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever did in my life. I’ll never stop saying how sorry I am for that.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. You and I are never even being friends ever again, so you don’t need to feel sorry. Your time’s up. Leave.”

“Hyungwonnie…”

“Don’t call me that.” Hyungwon’s yells resonated through the room. The agony in the man’s speech gave Hoseok an urge to hug him. No more. “Strangers don’t get to call me that. I don’t know you, I don’t think I ever did.”

_You deserve it, remember._

“I’ll make things right, I promise you.”

“Promise? You’re hilarious. Go tell someone else that will believe you. I’m not that person, not anymore. You wanna know something? I had class. The day we met for the second time in college. I should’ve gone to my class that day. I shouldn't have met you again. That was the worst mistake of my life.”

If Hyungwon had stabbed him in the stomach, it would’ve hurt less than to hear that. _Don’t cry, not now._

“You’re lying.” His voice almost cracked. “You don’t mean that.”

“Lying is your thing, not mine. You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I am my parents’ child. Was it fun watching me be the broken doll I am, all those times? The effort of pretending you loved me must have gotten you some laughs, at least.”

“What we had was real. Just-”

“You left me, Hoseok! You fucking left me! Promises? Feel sorry? I don’t give a fuck. You broke me and now you appear out of fucking nowhere saying lies again. You left me. You broke up with me. Actually, our relationship wasn’t even real, right? It was a lie since day one. You, it was you who did all this. I’m done. Close the door on your way out. If you see me on the street, pretend you don’t know me. I’ll do the same.”

 

 

In his mind, he knew it was wrong to leave the younger alone like that in the apartment, but it was better for him if Hoseok stayed away. Taking the stairs solemnly to be able to cry his heart out, a little portion of the pain in his chest was, hopefully, lessening.  

Jesus, it was really foolish to think he was ready for that.

 

 

Getting used to Korea’s time zone was proving to be something hard. He must be getting old, because it was just 10 pm and Hoseok was already dozing off in bed. His phone vibrating on his bedside table got his attention.

[09:58 pm]

To: Do Not Pick Up

_It’s Hyungwon. Let’s meet properly for the last time._

 

 _Shit. Shit. Shit._ Was that really happening? For a millisecond, his heart stopped beating, Hoseok had no doubt.

_You saved this contact as “Hyungwon”._

To: Hyungwon

_Any time you want. Also, my name in your phone is redundant since you never pick up calls_

 

To: Do Not Pick Up

_Gotta be careful. Last time I picked up a call I got dumped._

To: Do Not Pick Up

_Tomorrow. 9 am. The restaurant in front of Minhyuk’s building._

_Ouch._

 

To: Hyungwon

_I’ll be there_

 

 

He was there, but Hyungwon never showed up. The reason was all over the country, so it wasn’t like he was stood up. Shit was about to go down and Hoseok knew it was gonna spill on him, but he didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was for one under the spotlight to be okay, to be safe. He wanted to stop the world for a few hours and just do everything to make the raven-haired feel better. Once his face reached the tabloids, his entire life would be all over the internet, and that included him. Hyungwon must’ve been hating him now more than never.

The way they covered his parents’ funeral was horrible. Endless flashes splashing over the younger’s face felt like torture for him, if Hoseok could tell something about the time they spent together. Hyungwon detested that kind of exposure, and most of all: Hyungwon hated having to deal with his mother and father. Now, they were dead; there wasn’t a proper manner for him to react to this. The board game was flipped and the blond didn’t know what to do anymore; was the younger like that too? Stealing a bit of time to feel hopeless, he held onto his dreams of being with the one he loved again; that’s all he could do.

What was unexpected was that Hyungwon looked like he didn’t give a shit about what they were saying about him, after being outed to the entire nation. Checking on the daily pictures the press took of him, he just seemed so… tired. Not a single statement from him was released through his family’s company — now, his — and despite the repercussion, the man stayed silent. Hoseok was in the same boat as him, but it wasn’t in the same level. On TV they had the decency of blur his face on the pictures of them together, but the internet was an incontrollable piece of media. It became hard to discern who hated and who liked him for not being straight.

It wasn’t the ideal way for people to know that he wasn’t straight, but it didn’t affect him the way he thought it would. Of course, in the beginning Hoseok laid low; watching the Royal Chae’s shares plummeting, like a house of cards, was completely horrifying show. Not that he cared about the money they were losing, but it was for what that meant to the raven-haired; did he care? Was he struggling with that? More inquiries that, most likely, would never be answered.

Weeks passed and Hoseok was tired of hiding, he wasn’t no goddamn criminal. If people wanted to think and what he knew they were thinking, go the fuck off. His life was more than that, he was more than his sexuality. It’s the 21st century, for Christ’s sake. The inactivity was going to kill him with how much he was bored inside his parents’ house, so he contacted former professor, the one with he currently worked with. Honestly, what Hoseok expected was to be cursed at, but the man spoke with him was if nothing had changed; his gratitude would last forever.

Thinking about that later, the blond felt a strong pang of guilty. Minhyuk told him Hyungwon had to give up his job because his family’s company required too much of him, and also because Hoseok was sure a lot of parents wouldn’t keep their kids in the place he worked on. He could only imagine how much that must’ve hurt, because compared to him, the older had it way easier. Hyungwon was carrying a load of shit he didn’t deserve, but that always thought he did. Hoseok would take away all the affliction inside the man he loved and carry that weight for him if he could.

People would give him _looks_ in the streets, on most occasions. It was hard to persuade his mom to not to try sue all the broadcast conglomerates in Korea, but after many hours of her youngest kid’s pleadings, she relaxed more; his father helped a lot by remaining calm. His sisters, otherwise… Well, let’s just say that they cut ties in a non-criminal way with a few people that decided to be homophobic in front of his noonas. He had to beg them to not give in to those kind of provocations; it was what the bigots wanted, to have something to feed their hate. It didn’t matter. The respect he maintained for his integrity was what had value, because being what he wanted to be in a country that saw people like him as either a joke or a failure, only gave Hoseok more strength to keep going. Because fuck the bigots, that’s why.

A considerable amount of people stopped coming to his clinic, and the young psychologist didn’t need to ask them why. He felt bad for bringing his senior into this mess, but regarding the dropouts, not a flying fuck was given. They could stay in their little space full of prejudice and far away from him; Hoseok didn’t have any obligation to please them. The world didn’t end because he was in love with a man, so he was pretty sure the apocalypse would take a little more time to come. Humanity had bigger problems, for fuck’s sake.

Just to make it clear, he reassured himself he wasn’t stalking him online, because Hoseok _wasn’t_. It’s just that every time he opened a website, the heir’s face was there, somewhere. The press followed him like crazy; Hyungwon entering his company’s building, Hyungwon entering a car, Hyungwon walking down a street. Just looking at that felt suffocating; their friends didn’t talk much about it, but that looked like a massive pain in the ass; the tsunami of events in the past month and a half were trying to make a freak show out of his life. To hold his hand, to embrace him in his arms and say everything was going to be fine; musings of all the things he couldn’t do for Hyungwon only made him feel useless and troublesome.

Not only he was useless, but also a nuisance. He knew he had been an intermediary for people to find out about their past relationship; it wasn’t completely his fault, he just really forgot that his Instagram account still existed. After making the youngest heir in Korea go through so much suffering, Hoseok was still hurting him. He didn’t blame the raven-haired for not contacting him again, and hating him even more.

The burden he carried on his back every day, everywhere, was still there. The words he wanted to voice maybe could make things a little better for Hyungwon, but also could create a whole new degree of conflict. The wait seemed to add more and more weight to what he wanted to make clear, but the blond just didn’t have the courage to act on it. Was he going to be a fucking loser for the rest of his life? Telling himself that the man needed more time to digest it all was only a band-aid.

 

 

Fridays were the day of the week that his workload was the minimum — regaining patients was proving to be a complicated task; it was almost 5 pm and he was already heading back to his office to gather his things. His professor wanted to discuss some future plans for the clinic, and some of them were very encouraging. At least one aspect of his life wasn’t completely going to shit

Just a few meters away from his office, his teacher’s secretary approached him.

“Your patient is waiting for you.”

The blond furrowed his brows, puzzled.

“But I don’t have any more patients today, I’m sure.”

The woman straightened her back and made a move to pass in front of him.

“He said he made an appointment. Good afternoon, Mr. Shin.”

Leaving him confused in the hall, the secretary left. Hoseok didn’t forget a patient, he was sure. Was he?

Opening the door to where he worked, he could see someone sitting with his back to the psychologist; a dark suit and equally dark hair were the only things the person displayed.

Clearing his throat, he made the first move. “Excuse me?”

As a mystery for the future generations to uncover, it was unknown why he didn’t pass out, because he was sure he was about to. As it always did in these situations, his brain seemed to be doing the most to make a fucking fool out of him. God, how he still made his legs shudder.

“Hyungwon?”

Getting up the armchair in front of his desk, the man he was absolutely in love with stood in front of him, and for a quick second Hoseok’s body turned off. It was dead. The CPR was fast, though. Watching the younger doing a quick head bow was adorable.

“Hi.”

These type of silences between them used to be comfortable; no more, though. Pathetically, he stuttered a reply.

“Hi. What are you- I mean, why-, no what brings you here?”

Crossing his arms, his gaze left the older. His skin felt gelid.

In the seasons Hoseok was happy, he had never seen Hyungwon in a suit and it was maybe for the best, because he’d be six feet under by now. The taller looked so goddamn hot it should be goddamn illegal.

“I…” He fidgeted his trousers like he always did when he was nervous. Hoseok was just standing there, half panicked, half dazzled and 100% the biggest bisexual in the planet. The man's eyes roamed through his entire office, everything that wasn’t him. “I don’t know, forget it, I shouldn’t be here. Goodbye.”

Passing him by, Hyungwon stopped at the entrance, as if he had left something behind.

_What the hell am I supposed to do? If there’s a God up there, please send help in this hour of need._

“I…” His sentence this time was louder, and annoyed. “I need a favor. Fuck, this is the worst… It’s complicated.”

That situation just didn’t add up.

“Why me? Not that-”

“Because it can only be you. Unfortunately.”

“Okay. I’ll do it.”

The other looked at him like he was insane.

“But I didn’t even-”

“It doesn’t matter. I’d do anything for you.”

_Good, you fucking idiot, now you made it all awkward._

Nodding, the raven-haired faced the floor again, still fidgeting. Jesus, he’d enter a tank full of sharks if the man asked to.

“Well. To sum it up, I’m selling my shares in the Royal, but I need to go to Thailand to close the deal. I need you to come with me.”

“Why?”

He could be wrong, but Hoseok would believe until the day he died that Hyungwon blushed; his cheeks must’ve been burning. He had to contain a smile.

Releasing a heavy sigh, Hyungwon finally lifted his head to stare at the blond.

“Because… the woman I’m selling it to apparently think we’re still… That… She wants me to bring you. More like a contractual demand.”

God bless that woman, whoever she was. It was already set in his mind the plan to build an altar for her, or maybe a statue would demonstrate more his gratitude.

“I’ll go.”

“That doesn’t change anything between us. Be aware of that.”

_Ouch._

“I know.”

“But it’s a 3-day trip. And you’ll be exposed even more. Think carefully about-”

“I’ll do it, Hyungwon.”

“Jesus, you’re- Nevermind. I’ll send someone to brief you about… everything. I’ll be going. It’s next week, by the way.”

Motioning to open the door of his office, the younger stopped in the hallway. Hoseok watched him craning his head towards him.

“Dye that hair. It’s fucking hideous.”

 

 

As the door clicked and he heard footsteps getting distant, he had to take a seat to not faint. Of happiness. It didn’t matter it was just for a few days; just the chance to be near Hyungwon was enough, was more that he could even dream of. Bringing a hand to his chest to check if his heart was still beating, Hoseok started laughing.

It was childish, but he didn’t care. Jumping up and down his office like a victory dance, he never felt that pleased in a very long time. The circumstances didn’t matter, nothing else did.

Running towards his desk to grab his phone, buried under some papers, he prepared himself to lose his hearing, however at that time, the blond couldn’t wait for it. A dumb smile still didn’t leave his face.

“Minhyuk. Lee Minhyuk. My best friend. The world’s most precious man. I love you, you know that? Life is beautiful.”

_“THE FUCK? WHAT IS THIS? DID YOU FINALLY LOST IT?”_

Sneezing like a goddamn idiot, he explained.

“You won’t believe me, but Hyungwon just left my office. Like, 5 minutes ago.”

_“AND WHY DID YOU TOOK SO LONG TO CALL ME?”_

“Boy, I was having a heart attack, cut me some slack.”

 _“But seriously, hyung.”_ As he toned down his voice, his friend sounded he was trying to restrain himself _. “I was gonna ask if you two fought again but it sounds like you won the lottery.”_

“He wants me to spend 3 days with him in Thailand.”

_“NO. FUCKING. WAY. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’M COMING OVER, DON’T MOVE.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy, i'm liek........ tired  
> writing these sad stuff as shakespeare once said, it aint lit  
> i almost literally died writing this, and btw i never said i'd tell hoseok's motives in this chapter yall played yourselves
> 
> remember the thing in german minhyuk was writing with that fancy ass pen in the japanese MV for Beautiful? it's this poem. it's from rainer maria rilke, "the book of hours". my guy was dope check his stuff if u into it
> 
> BITCH INFINITE AND BLOCK B AND OH MY GIRL CAME BACK AND THE JAPANESE MX MV AND DAY6 WILL DEBUT IN JAPAN I BEEN POPPING THE BIGGEST BOTTLES EVEN IF WAS JUST HALF ALIVE THESE DAYS also momoland had their first win THATS WHAT THEY DESERVE, bboom bboom is a fuckin bop anyways catch me outside crying while listening the top seed
> 
> see u next week, kids


	12. Just One More Second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yall welcome and im sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHANGKYUN MY BABIEST BABY MY SON WHO TAKES SELFIES WITH HIS FEET HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND THANK FOR THE DEAN COVER WHERE TJE COLLAB AT
> 
> it took a while but this is 13K I SAID 13K my gays, cut me some slack  
> i wanted to post something on changkyun's ACTUAL bday but like....... it is 13k and i have the attention span of a goldfish
> 
> the title is from [holds falsetto note] 2AM's One More Second, easily in my top 10 ugly crying on the floor playlist
> 
> in conclusion, i think i never wrote the words FUCK and SHIT so much before  
> thank u v much for liking this story or just reading bc u want to know what happened or bc you're like me and read some bad fics until the end bc im already half way through it 
> 
> enjoy (or not)

“THAT’S IT. YOU DID IT. YOU LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND.”

_Almost certainly._

Hyungwon couldn’t tell if he was sure about most of things in his life — his anxiety was the one who knew it well. There were days he didn’t even know how he managed to get off the bed; pretty much freewheeling his way through life was the only coping mechanism left for him.

_Is this how you know you’re really close to lose it? Like, so close you can almost taste your ultimate breakdown?_

Probably.

Kihyun yelling in his ear wasn’t being of much help, by the way.

“I know.” No sane person would get themselves in that situation. Hyungwon just wanted a bit of support, though; it’d make him feel less like crap. “Stop screaming. I don’t need to be more terrified than I already am. You’re supposed to be my best friend, you insensitive twat.”

From his bed, the older man gave him a look that he knew very well. There’s always a glint of guilty in his eyes when he was aware he was being a dick. Or maybe it was because his friend was sick as hell; Kihyun managed to get the worst cold of his life and yet, the nagging was endless.

“Sorry. But you have to understand-” A heavy cough interrupted his speech; hoarse voice. _What a dumbass._ “It’s 3 days, Turtle. You’ve never been near him for that long in almost two years. I’ll be like, thousands of miles away. Are you going to be okay?”

_Of course not._

“I have no idea, honestly.” Crossing his arms, Hyungwon concluded his thoughts. “I just want this to end, all of it. I want it to end so I can dig a hole in the Gobi Desert, in a perfectly plain level that once wasn’t waterless, and crawl inside. Did you know ‘Gobi’ means ‘desert’ in Mongolian? So it’s like, Desert Desert.”

Kihyun rolled his eyes so hard he could’ve gone blind.

“That’s _very_ specific. Stop being extra, that’s my role. If you think I won’t go to China to drag your ass back, you are damn wrong. And I’d be pissed off because you’d make me walk too much.”

Leaning on the door of his friend’s bedroom — but wishing he could already drop dead — he let out a tired sigh.

“Seriously, I need a break. I know I shouldn’t, but I just think about… running away. Or hit my head on the wall until I forget I’m alive.”

“I already told you that being extra is my business. I don’t like this idea, this whole thing. You know I’m still working on my list of ways I can kill him, though.”

The younger chuckled. “You should stop inciting murder.”

“I advo-” Another cough. “I advocate that, nothing new. By the way, are you going to ask him?”

A scowl grew up on the younger’s face. “Ask what and who?”

“I love when you pretend to be dumb. Hoseok, of course.”

“And ask what?”

“The reason.”

It didn’t matter, he didn’t want to know. Simply because he didn’t care. That was it, just like this. He didn’t care and he didn’t want to listen to more bullshit.

“No.”

“Not that I believe that…” Kihyun exhaled rowdily, almost as if he was mad about being defeated. “I overheard Changkyun talking about this. He won’t tell anyone but you, apparently.”

_I don’t care, I don’t care._

He didn’t know why, but he kind of felt like he was being invaded, somehow. The storm of vulnerability, that surrounded him when Hoseok was the topic, always succeeded in tearing him apart. If Hyungwon could erase just one thing from his recollections, there wouldn’t be any shiver everytime that man used his eyes — those damn eyes — to pierce through his skin.

“5 minutes ago you were yelling that I had lost my mind, and now you’re curious about what he has to say.”

The brown-haired almost fell off his bed trying to defend himself. His hair was sticking out of all the corners of his forehead.

“I’m not! I just wanted to know… well, what could happen. Not like _that_ , but him telling you… stuff, but whatever. Just get it done as soon as possible.”

Restraining a leap inside his chest, it was his duty not forgetting that none of that was a dream; his suffering was real, the remainings of all the tears he shed runned through his bloodstream. Hyungwon wasn’t about to give that man the opportunity to break his heart again, no fucking way. The blaze under his feet still hurt, even thought the bridge he stood on was already destroyed.

 

 

Watching the twilight making his appearance all the way up to release the stars, Hoseok could confirm he was feeling two things once: fear and excitement. It began and ended on his organs’ surfaces, the oxygen inside his lungs sometimes touched his soul — and God, these feelings didn’t take turns; he was extremely happy for the chance he was given, but also scared to death. Should he invent a name for that if an explanation didn’t exist?

Like the loser he was, he stared at his bedroom’s ceiling, lying on the floor, waiting for a divine sign of help; the man wished he could fast forward the time until all of that was over; just a peek to see if he wouldn’t fuck up everything again.

The divine world sent Minhyuk.

Not really. Hoseok actually invited the younger man to help him pack the stuff for the trip; but especially because he couldn’t handle being pestered with thousands of texts. He was glad he wasn’t alone, though.

“What the hell you doing there?” The dark-haired’s head hovered over him with unimpressed look.

“Contemplating life. Humanity. Myself. I don’t know.”

“Hyung, stop being pathetic and show me what you gonna take to your romantic 3-day trip.”

The oldest forced his body up only to crash on his bed.

_Why is this so hard?_

“It’s not like that, you know. Don’t give me hope… or anything.”

Minhyuk settled himself beside him, propping up his cheek on an elbow to stay within his friend’s sight.

“Will you at least tell him why you left? It’s your chance! It may be your _only_ chance.”

Inclining his head to offer a look full of bullshit to the man, Hoseok wanted to run, give up and scream; to be the coward, one more time. But… _Him_. Hyungwon would be existing next to him again for a few days; just looking at him — going to him — was the most familiar gesture his heart knew, there wasn’t another way to live.

“No.”

“Why?”

“It won’t be pretty, Minhyukkie. He can’t go through that in the middle of a business trip. I’ll find another way.”

“Okay. I brought the stuff to dye your hair, so get the hell up. I’m an artist.”

 

 

“What happened?”

Only a few times Hyungwon saw his hyung with such worried expression before. The man scanned his face for any clue.

“Unbelievable, can’t I visit my friends anymore?”

Hyunwoo seemed kind of relieved.

“Sorry. Come in.”

“Where’s that hyperactive toddler? I don’t hear yelling, so I’m guessing he isn’t home.”

“Yeah. Actually he went out yesterday to Ho-”

_Of course._

Turning around to face the older, he feigned a smile.

“It’s fine. I wanted to talk with you, anyways.”

A wail echoed through the living room and, sincerely, he almost squealed. Someone was stretching in the couch.

“Jooheon?”

He looked like shit. Not an overstatement, unfortunately.

“Hi, hyung.”

If he had been in the middle of a whirlwind, the silver-haired would look better than he did, sitting in Minhyuk and Hyunwoo’s couch. His entire face and clothes were a turmoil in the “Kihyun-a-day-before-his-dentist-appointment” level. He didn’t remember ever seeing the boy like that.

“Good grief, Jooheon. What happened?”

Before getting an answer, he felt a poke on his shoulder only to being hauled to the kitchen afterwards.

“What the hell happened and why no one told me?”

The other man seemed tired. Like, about-to-pass-out tired. His brain did the favor of informing him that he was being a prick. Hyungwon followed his hyung when he sat on one of the chairs of the round wood table.

“It was just yesterday.” Almost whispering, he rubbed his face with his hand. “He fought with Gun, apparently. I didn’t hear the details because he was crying too loud and Minhyuk was being even louder.”

“Ugh. I’ll stick a fork in Gunhee’s liver later. I-”

“Is this about Thailand?”

 _Gosh._ He was pitifully predictable, for fuck’s sake.

“No… Yeah.”

“Are you afraid?”

Glancing up at the older, he wanted to sound offended.

“No. I’m not. Maybe a bit apprehensive, that’s that. I wanted to ask you something.”

A nod from his hyung was a hint for him to keep going.

“Do you know about-” His motherfucking voice cracked. He hadn’t humiliated himself enough. “Do you know about… the thing he didn’t tell the boys?”

The younger man heard a sigh as his eyes wandered around the kitchen’s floor.

“I suppose you’re talking about the motive he left. Yes, he won’t say until he tells you.”

_Because it’s horseshit._

“Well, I don’t give a fuck. It’ll remain a mystery, for all I care.”

“Then why are you conflicted?”

Hyungwon never craned his head up so fast since college.

“I’m not! I-”

“Listen. Just listen to this.” The stern expression in his face made the raven-haired straighten his back. “A lot of things in life can’t give us closure, but we’re always seeking it. Sometimes, the circumstances don’t allow us to have that, but a lot of them do. I’m not saying you should hear what Hoseok has to say. The thing is every time I look at you, I feel like something is tearing you apart. I just want you to make amends with yourself, about what you want and what you don’t. That’s how we move on.”

 

You see, when Hyungwon actually didn't want time to pass too rapid, it was when the son of a bitch was quicker than never. The week had denied his wish to slow down the seconds; it felt like it was yesterday he forced himself to go _there_ … and ask _him_ … _that_. A long time ago, he mastered the art of being a fucking fool; The success rate was higher when it was about Hoseok. He stammered in front of that man, for Christ’s sake.

Side-eyeing his suitcase on the other side of his room, the raven-haired just wanted to defenestrate it and quit that nonsense; Kihyun was right, he lost his goddamn mind, not even the memory of going there stayed. A blinding flash inside his head and Hyungwon was already on his feet naively studying the older man: him and his stupid smile and his stupid hair, him… still trying to deceive Hyungwon. All that time wasn’t enough? Not again, never again. He just had to endure 3 days under the same roof as Hoseok — everybody assuming they were still together — and finally go to bury himself in the Gobi Desert. An amazing plan.

_Oh God. I’ve made a huge mistake._

 

 

Envisioning his future wasn’t too hard. At that point, the only reliable fact was that he was very close to his funeral. Because he was sure his soul was going to leave his body once and for all; he’d have a heart attack if the frantic way his heart was beating meant something. His hands never trembled so much in a long time.

_Calm the fuck down. I’m fine. I’m fine._

“Mr. Shin?”

As a voice calling his name reached his ears, Hoseok stopped breathing for a very truthful second. His own panic was so distracting that he didn’t even noticed when someone approached him.

Not Hyungwon.

A few days ago, someone from Hyungwon’s staff — he supposed the woman was — came by his office to deliver some basic information about their schedule abroad; the woman also handed him a bunch of papers, protocols he had a bit difficult to understand. People in that line of work, you know, loved to use a shit ton of big words. The last contact had been the night before the flight; the same woman called him again to state they were going to pick him up at 10 am. Well, it was 10 am at that moment, and it was kind of impossible not to be stunned by the fact that punctuality was really a thing that existed.

Hoseok hadn’t even left the country and was already making an idiot out of himself. Using his suitcase to avoid falling off, almost shrieking, Hoseok bowed to the figure in front of a black car.

Placing his belongings in the trunk, the woman proceeded to open the door for Hoseok — very fancy, if you ask him — and headed to the front seat.

Not Hyungwon, in that car, again. The employee seemed to have read his thoughts.

“Mr. Chae-” Hyungwon hated being called like that. “…already left for Thailand, 3 hours ago. Someone will be waiting for you in Bangkok, so you can meet him.”

_That’s all I do. Wait til I can see him again._

He didn’t bother to hide his disappointment.

“Oh… Thanks.”

 

With his passport and ticket in his hand — the latter was given by the woman who brought him — Hoseok looked up to check the flight schedule at the Incheon. The departure of his plane was confirmed; in 20 minutes he’d be already boarding, as said in an electronic panel above his head. Meanwhile, crowded was a generous adjective that didn't match the facts; did everybody in Korea decided to travel that day? At best, the embark area was just slightly congested, but on the other side of the airport, at the arrival gate, he could hear excited yells from more voices than he could count; a lot of young people waiting for celebrities filled the place. Pulling his mask down — he was instructed to use one, probably by Hyungwon himself — his chest, suddenly, was the heavier element on Earth. It wasn’t like he wanted to remember, but every segment, above and under him, was telling the tale of how he left Hyungwon behind; he was the dragon than ruined everything. It didn’t matter how much he suffered, he still left.

_I’m going to him this time, this is all that matters._

 

Boarding the aircraft, Hoseok felt like running away again. Part of him concluded, later, that he should’ve done that; honest to God, sitting on that chair for almost 6 hours was one of the most unnerving events in his life, and he was sure that wasn't dramatic ass acting up. Anyone who saw him could tell he wasn't lying when it was very conceivable that he didn’t even blink during the entire course; maybe his soul decided to start to prepare that vacation that would take Hoseok to his grave.

Hyunwoo’s birthday was a few days before the trip. It wasn’t like Hoseok forgot; now that he was back home, he wanted to participate in his friends’ lives again, to make it up for all the time he was away. Minhyuk, in the enthusiastic way that only Minhyuk could reach, invited him for a reunion at a restaurant to celebrate it, but the older gave an excuse he knew his best friend was aware it was bullshit. Stealing good moments from the one he hurt wasn’t something he planned to do again. Maybe it’d take a longer time for that, but Hyungwon should be happy, he deserved all the happiness in the world.

If that included him or not was a question mark floating around.

The travel felt as if he was buying a time it wasn’t supposed to be the way it was. That wasn’t right, that wasn’t how he wanted to be with the younger. He wanted to be the shameless thief and go back; go back and enjoy more all the days they spent together as friends, and as lovers. Nothing that he was in position to inquire, though. Nothing he was worthy of, the multicolored sky knew.

Even if it wasn’t officially summer yet, Thailand was a very hot place that day. God, Hoseok had just left the plane and was already sweating as if he was in a sauna. His own fault, since he knew about the weather and yet was stupid enough to wear a white long-sleeved shirt and blue jeans. As he pushed his suitcase towards the exit of the arrival gate, Hoseok saw a man, dressed in a black suit, holding a sign with his name written in Korean. Again, very fancy.

Going to a country he didn’t speak the native language was very uncomfortable. Not because he was bothered that most people there didn’t speak Korean, but for the fact he couldn’t speak Thai; in some way, it felt very disrespectful. However, overthinking things had been his favorite hobby those days, it was possible he was just being melodramatic.

Nothing but astonishing could used to describe where he was. Hoseok was being picky, but he wanted to see the imposing, perfectly crafted Thai temples that, even with a majority sea of skyscrapers, sustained their power. He saw a lot of pictures online, maybe he could make time. When Hoseok thought about that, he could imagine that, at night, a constellation of lights could be seen from a nice spot. Rivers, bridges, an elevated train and a lot of people in hurry was in the landscape he could peek on, from the windows of the car.

Remembering why he was there was a must, though. It wasn’t a vacation, it wasn’t going to be pleasant days for Hyungwon. Yes, Hyungwon depended on him to make this second lying game of their lives to look real, even if the other didn’t believe his Hoseok still loved him. All the affection the younger once gave him could’ve become hate at that point, but it was okay. Yeah, alright, he’d have updated memories of the raven-haired's face to remember once the dream was over.

_Remember to pretend it’s true._

 

 

His apartment in Korea was the only place he desired to be at that moment. His bed, his kitchen, his couch. Not that it felt too homelike, but he could be alone with his misery. It wasn’t like Hyungwon hated planes or voyages. The problem was that he felt like he didn’t belong anywhere else but a confined space, the castle that was in constant construction since he was born was still smaller on inside. All kinds of bad thoughts feasted in these occasions.

A knock on his door got his attention. One of the hotel’s maids had a message to deliver.

“Mr. Shin arrived.”

 _Shit_. He wanted to slam his head on the wall and scream. Suprising himself with his own snort, it couldn't be more clear that he already felt ridiculous; maybe he should make a profession out of that. The hell especially made for him could at least give him something good, or maybe the elevator would break and fall while he was on it.

Crossing the lobby to meet them at the restaurant, the raven-haired seriously considered pretend to be sick and stay in his room until he could go home, the deal could be closed like that. However, it wasn’t fair for their hosts, though. Fuck his goddamn consideration and politeness, he just wanted to sign the damn contract and fuck off to the most isolated place he could find.

 

Taking a deep breath and pretending all his muscles weren’t stiff, Hyungwon scanned the place, quickly finding them sharing a table near the main window. The restaurant was bigger and blueish than any other one he’d seen in his lifetime; his first thought was that the waiters must’ve to walk a lot, working there. Two main windows, one with the streets as it’s view, and one that had a small artificial garden in opposite direction to the tables; the sun entered the restaurant from a unique stone skylight.

Despite the size of it, it wasn’t colossal like his anger.

Hoseok was laughing. And his hair was entirely dyed in a dark red tone.

_Son. of. a. bitch._

Nothing in the world would make Hyungwon admit that he choked on thin air.

Daran Kunakorn was a very daring woman, if he had to describe her. Even though she didn’t speak Korean, the woman in her early 30s was nothing but lovely, welcoming him with the Thai greeting — hands pressed together, prayer-like, and a short bow. He reciprocated the gest because he wasn’t dumb, and did learn before he arrived that it was very rude to not compliment back. Hyungwon was quite fascinated by her story, it was almost movie-like. She had been engaged since the beginning of her 20’s and, ironically, that’s how she met her actual wife: while buying her wedding dress. The other woman owned a bridal shop, where she designed unique wedding dresses. They immediately clicked, and became very good friends. It didn’t take too long for them to notice it wasn’t platonic, though. In the same day, Kunakorn broke up with the man she was supposed to marry and started dating her friend turned lover.

In shocking but not surprising news, her family wasn’t very fond of that. To be accurate, they were huge ass homophobes. Even with their disapprovement, she never stepped back. Even with Daran being the next on the line to take over her parents’ company — her only sibling couldn’t even handle himself — her family did try to kick her out of everything related to their corporation. The joke was on them, because she worked harder to fuck them up and prove that the lesbians are, indeed, the most powerful beings on Earth. Every single dirty thing they did was exposed in every broadcast TV in the country, a kind gift provided by Daran Kunakorn. The conglomerate took it hard, though; the press painted them as untrustworthy and disloyal — which they really were. Yet, the older woman established she earned the CEO chair and practically rebuilded it from the scraps; in a good matter of time, the fallen construction company rose to take back it’s place in the rank as one of the most influent companies in Thailand; it even made to the strict list of the most prosperous ones in the entire Asia.

Her wife, Marsha, two years older than her, was surprisingly had a very good Korean when Hyungwon met her, so he mainly used her as the intermediary to speak with Daran. Only a little smaller than the CEO — Daran seemed to be about 10cm shorter than him — Marsha was liveliest than Kunakorn, but he could see why they were together. Despite the tribulations, the younger woman would always smile when her wife was around. Perhaps it was a single event, but Marsha was very excited about _everything_ Hyungwon told her. She commented she didn’t understand most of what Daran did — the latter laughed at the way her wife voiced it — but trusted her anyway. It was possible the raven-haired got a little jealous of a relationship like that.

They thought Hyungwon had one, technically. But he never did.

The women sat with their backs to him, so Hoseok was the first one to notice his presence. There was something odd in the way he lowered his head, almost like a perturbation. Not that Hyungwon cared, whatever.

Marsha got up to greet him with a rapid bow, smiling so brightly that it almost rivaled her golden hair. After he got in the CEO's hotel, he convinced them to not be formal with him. He had enough of “Mr. Chaes” for 3 lives.

“Hi, Hyungwon. Did you rest a bit?” Marsha motioned for him to sit.

“Yes. Thank you.”

“We were talking with Hoseok while waiting for you, I hope you don’t mind. I didn’t know he speaks French! It’s one of the 3 languages Daran is fluent on, along with Spanish. Isn’t that nice?”

_Great. Now he can understand her, and I don’t. Maybe I should encourage Kihyun to murder him._

“Sure.” Eyeing Hoseok, that sat by the glass window, he finished his sentence. “He lived in France, I’m sure he speaks very well.”

The designer perked up, craning her head towards the crimson-haired. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Hoseok finally muttered something, in Korean.

“Daran went to college there, and we spent two weeks in Paris last year. I really didn’t want to leave.”

“You should learn from Hoseok. He knows all about leaving.”

The woman chatting with him didn’t follow. Hyungwon was having a very good time making the other man embarrassed, though. Reacting to snap them out of that  awkwardness, the young chairwoman spoke something in Thai, then turned her head and say a sentence in French to Hoseok. It was truly infuriating that the older was able to communicate with Daran, and Hyungwon couldn’t. Why didn’t he take French classes at college? Being fluent in Japanese, English and Mandarin didn’t seem to be too attractive anymore.

“She is…”

_Is he going to blabber during the entire trip?_

“I’m not going to be here until tomorrow, by noon, so I asked Hoseok if he could translate the contractual things for you.”

Why was God determined into making his life harder and more terribly anguished? Have some goddamn mercy. In Hyungwon’s mind, he planned to avoid Hoseok as much as he could; he’d do some visits to Kunakorn’s buildings around the city as a resource to his stratagem. His unlucky ass now was stuck with that man.

_Great._

He cleared his throat to be able to answer. “Sure.”

_Sure, why not also skin me alive with a plastic knife?_

Daran said something in Thai to her wife again.

“Oh. She’s apologizing for not hiring a interpreter beforehand, it was kind unexpected that I have to leave.”

Expressing his understanding, the younger man gave her a bow. Hyungwon could find a translator available if he had been aware of Marsha’s future absence earlier, but now it’d sound weird. All because Hoseok had to open his fucking mouth.

“If you excuse me, I have check my luggage. I’ll be leaving in a couple of hours. You can talk with Daran if you want, now that your partner is here.”

_Partner._

_Not in this life._

 

 

Staggering on a really tenuous line between contentment and terror appeared to be his new status quo. Hyungwon was wearing a three-piece suit again, and he almost gasped when he spotted the younger at the restaurant, thanking the universe for his rehearsed self-control. What was dignity, anyway? Looking at him with so much longing felt wrong, so he faced his hands instead.

“You should learn from Hoseok. He knows all about leaving.”

_Kick in the gut number 1._

The taller black-haired woman talked again with him, in French.

“It’s too much to ask for you to tag along to interpret for him?”

Hoseok wasn’t mistaken in planning to build an altar for that woman even before knowing her.

Finally looking up to face Hyungwon and Marsha, he started stuttering because that what losers like him do.

_I’m really in need of divine help, if this is a sign I’m both thankful and scared._

Much to his surprise, the raven-haired sat down on Marsha's previously spot, beside Daran. Between the gap that kept them apart, time paused for a millisecond when he noticed Hyungwon was gazing at him. With a purpose, of course.

“Say that I’m thankful for the hospitality. I’m looking forward to our meetings.”

Signaling positively, he expressed the younger's gratitude to the Thai CEO.

“Please, say that it’s my pleasure. He seems rather uneasy, though. You two need some time alone?”

_Good lord._

The response was louder than he meant it, vaguely gaping at Daran. “No, don't worry. It’s fine. He must be tired.”

Diverting his eyes to Hyungwon again, the man seemed kind of fed up. Hoseok wasn’t about to make things awkward already.

“She said it’s her pleasure. Mentioned you look uneasy, I said you must be tired.”

Their mother tongue became an advantage to his bad mood. “It’s tiring to be in the same room as you.”

_Kick in the gut number 2._

Quickly looking away, the older wondered if it was possible to voluntarily be put into a temporary coma.

“He… He said he’s tired.”

“I see. I’ll have your dinner sent to your rooms, so you won’t have to come down here. Any requests?”

Switching to Korean, Hoseok was the one uneasy now. Not that he wasn’t before, but… anyways.

“She’ll send dinner to our rooms. Asked if we have requests.”

“No. Whatever is fine.”

 

 

If that short gathering at the restaurant was just a preview of he’d be going through the next 55 hours, Hyungwon had no doubt he died, and that was his punishment in some dimension in limbo. Only that made sense.

He hated Hoseok’s voice. He hated how soft and harmless it sounded, even more when he spoke in French and sounded illegally fine as fuck; it was a decoy, none of that was genuine. The raven-haired wanted claw his eyes out for how much was driven to the older’s features when Hoseok wasn't paying attention; he hated that his stomach still would be full of bats when he was around the older.

Although the torment, Hyungwon was convinced he did let go of all the feelings he had for Hoseok. The suffering had to teach him something, for fuck’s sake; it taught him something for sure. The only thing he felt towards that man was disgust. Unquestionably. 100%.

Answering the door as someone from the staff brought dinner, he was served a cart full of food he couldn’t tell what it was, on the main plate. The internet was invented for that, anyways. And illicit downloads.

Bringing it near him in bed, he almost overlooked that, in the second tray, there was stuff he knew. Bowls with ramen, kimchi, dak-galbi, jajangmyeon, dakbokkeumtang, rice and a lot of more filled the entire surface. And it smelled _so damn good_.

As he grabbed a spoon to eat the rice, it finally kicked in; that’s why he couldn’t have nice things. Those were a few of his favorite dishes, it was impossible for hotel workers to know about that.

With a heavy sigh, he craned his head to stare at the wall behind him, the only thing that separated him from Hoseok.

_Son of a bitch._

 

 

 _Minhyuk_ _created a new group chat_

_Minhyuk added loveliest bear, maknae, gun(powder) and baby honey_

_Minhyuk changed his nickname to “wolf pupy”_

_wolf pupy changed the group’s name to: 5/8 OF THE SQUAD_

_[07:54 pm]_

**gun(powder)** : how many puns with my name yall gonna do ffs

 **loveliest bear** : there’s so many, punhee………….

 **gun(powder)** : yall lucky i love yall

 **maknae** : guys really quik why isnt kihyun here

 **wolf pupy** : bc we here to revive the long term discussion abt our friends

 **wolf pupy** : aka wonseok

 **wolf pupy** : and ki will murder me with a hammer if he been knowing

 **maknae** : oh no

 **maknae** : why brought me into dis

 **maknae** : why hyungs hate me so much

 **maknae** : if kihyun even dream that im here talking abt THAT im the one dying

 **gun(powder)** : what u waitin for minhyuk

 **wolf pupy** : shut up u still on thin ice for making my baby cry

 **wolf pupy** : wheres jooheonnie

 **gun(powder)** : hes napping chill i apologized i bought the food he likes i watched his favorite movie w/ him i said i love him 158 times the past hour

 **wolf pupy** : noice

 **maknae** : my death gotta worth something

 **maknae** : spill

 **loveliest bear** : wait a sec hes putting his glasses on

 **gun(powder)** : its already LIT

 **wolf pupy** : K YALL KNOW THEYRE IN THAILAND RIGHT

 **wolf pupy** : hoseok hyung died like 50 times til this moment wonnie been wearing dem SUITS

 **wolf pupy** : HEY U READY FOR THE DRAMARAMA SHIET WE LOVE

 **gun(powder)** : bitch jooheon woke up with that yell coming through my screen

 **baby honey** : for real

 **baby honey** : keep going

 **wolf pupy** : THEY MET THE COOL THAI LESBIANS THAT BEEN BUYING WONNIES COMPANY

 **wolf pupy** : TURNS OUT THE WIFE OF THE CEO SPEAKS KOREAN BUT

 **wolf pupy** : SHE CANT TRANSLATE SHIT FOR THEM BC SHE GOTTA BOUNCE FOR LIEK A DAY

 **wolf pupy** : AND GUESS

 **maknae** : qUIT thE DRAMATIC PAUSESSSSS

 **wolf pupy** : THE COOL LESBIAN CEO SPEAKS FRENCH

 **wolf pupy** : WHO ELSE SPEAKS FRENCH

 **maknae** : marquis de lafayette and hoseok hyung

 **baby honey** : and french ppl

 **wolf pupy** : U DAMN RIGHT

 **wolf pupy** : SO THE COOL LESBIAN CEO ASKED HOSEOK TO TRANSLATE THE BU$INE$$ STUFF TO HYIUNGWONNIE

 **gun(powder)** : I CANTT BREATEH

 **baby honey** : he really choked on nothing but im excited

 **gun(powder)** : THIS IS THE SECOND SEASON OF OUR FAVORITE DRAMA

 **gun(powder)** : WONSEOK LIVED BITCH

 **gun(powder)** : god bless the lesbians what did we do to deserve them

 **maknae** : k but he gonna tell him why he left?

 **wolf pupy** : nope

 **maknae** : WHYYYYYYYYYYY

 **loveliest bear** : bc it’s an important trip to hyungwon and he doesn’t want to ruin it

 **gun(powder)** : WE HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE WEEK FOR A NEW EPISODE?

 **loveliest bear** : more like WEEKS

 **gun(powder)** : so we all on board of wonseok ship rite

 **gun(powder)** : bc i am

 **gun(powder)** : still can believe the plot twist of the france thing

 **gun(powder)** : now we have the rich man and not rich man plot

 **gun(powder)** : full of fancy clothes expensive alcohol and someone throwing water on someones face while the tsundere keeps denying his love for the kind and clumsy lead

 **baby honey** : you really make me question ur sanity every day

 **loveliest bear** : i was gonna say he’s too invested on this like it’s a real drama but who am i kidding they love each other

 **wolf pupy** : THEY ARE

 **wolf pupy** : S O U L M A T E S

 **baby honey** : i don’t think hyung left bc he wanted to

 **baby honey** : hes the most whipped person i know and i know AND date gunhee

 **baby honey** : so i’m in

 **loveliest bear** : same

 **wolf pupy** : youngest………………..

 **maknae** : if yall wrong and this blows up to complete shit

 **maknae** : ill make every single one of u break up

 **maknae** : but i believe in hyung too

 **maknae** : if kihyun reads this im blaming on ur bad influences

 **wolf pupy** : BOI WONSEOK SHALL RISE

 **wolf pupy** : the only bad thing is that we only have hyung's pov

 **gun(powder)** : in other words

 **gun(powder)** : lots of crying and silent stares and “i love him so much”

 **loveliest bear** : that’s very accurate

 **maknae** : can u at least make it less obvious why we here

 **maknae** : bc if ki finds out we have a gc without him he gonna come for us

_wolf pupy changed the group’s name to: a gC that aint abt wonseok_

**maknae** : play born hater and catallena at my funeral

 

 

The rain was very much welcomed. The horizon made of fog covering Bangkok, from his hotel window, looked like it was swallowing the entire city and yet managed to look gorgeous. Destructions and births really do look alike. With this in mind, Hoseok wished he could see the revival of his love life, but hope was so scarce and everything he could was to wait. What he had so far was enough, though; it was more than he thought he’d ever have, therefore the appreciation was more important.

His phone almost dropped from his hands with the strong knocks on his door. God Almighty, he was too young to have a stroke.

It was hard to sleep the night before. Knowing Hyungwon was in the room next door was like having the chance of seeing a rare event, but being blocked by someone bigger. Even when he was in front of him, the younger didn’t seem to be there; Hyungwon did look at Hoseok, but didn’t see him. Even those who didn’t know them could see everything was forced and anxious. If the he really didn’t need to be there, the taller man would’ve ran back home before Hoseok could say “hi”.

_“It’s tiring to be in the same room as you.”_

Which was a very funny thing, since the raven-haired was the one outside his room.

“We need to talk.”

_Holy Mother of Christ who art in heaven in her throne made of gold._

After a second, while Hyunwon stood there, he became aware he was still in his pajamas. He made a mental note to facepalm for himself later.

“Sure.” Moving out of the entrance for the man to come in, Hoseok had to compel himself to not hold his breath because… goddamnit, Hyungwon’s fucking suits.

He started speaking as soon as he heard the door closing.

“I don’t think I sent you specifications about the terms of our…” Definitely, darting his eyes to everything but him was Hyungwon’s new habit. “cooperation.”

A furrow formed in Hoseok’s face. “What?”

“Don’t say anything about me to anyone here. About food or anything else.”

Pissed off didn’t fit the expression in front of him; astronomically angry was the right term. He could’ve burned a hole in the older's face with that glare.

It was foolish of him to think Hyungwon wouldn’t notice. The crimson-haired knew this would happen, but there was a little hope — again, he never learns — in him that the other wouldn't mind it, to just let Hoseok have that. _Foolish_.

 Did he regret it? Very much. Would he do it again? Yes.

“Okay.” Dropping his eyes to the floor, he complied. “I’ll stick with the regulation.”

Now Hyungwon was the one confused. “Excuse me?”

Slowly moving his feet back and forth against the carpet, the oldest explained.

“I won’t talk to you unless you speak with me, I will keep distance when I’m not needed, I will go to where you need me to go and do what you wish, I won’t talk anything about you or our past and we will part ways as soon as we land in Korea. Isn’t that what I should follow?”

Having to say that felt like drowing with a heavy rock tied to his ankles.

The words to describe the short silence that filed his room were in his mind, Hoseok was sure, but he couldn’t quite grasp it. The man’s mouth widened a bit as if he was going to say something, but he didn’t. A sound inside that room could only could be heard again when the raven-haired man cleared his throat.

“I…”

_Fidgeting his trousers. He doesn’t want to be here._

“I… Yes.”

“I’m sorry about the food. It won’t happen again.”

With a clenched jaw, Hyungwon nodded. Almost outside, he remembered something to say.

“Get ready. We’ll be leaving soon.”

 

 

Slamming the door shut behind him, Hyungwon struggled to exhale and inhale in a good pace _. That fucking man._ Why was he still feeling like a dumbass every time he had to say something to Hoseok? He shouldn’t feel that; it was anger, he concluded. There was a rage inside him that woke up and made him feel erroneous things, that was the motive.

Did he really had to open the door in fucking pajamas? Did he had to be attractive even with the messy bed hair? No, Hoseok didn’t have the freaking right. Yet, there he was, doing this to the younger. It was wrong and that man knew he didn’t have the right to do this to him; the ridiculous tears were already falling off of his face to hit the carpet under him. Hoseok’s smile used to be the warning he was about to be hit by a wave of melancholy, but now it was every single about him who did the job. What kind of stupid person he was to still want to lean towards the jerk who broke his heart, as if it was natural? The entire thing was a bad idea, Hyungwon couldn’t handle that.

But he had to, he was conditioned for that.

 

Things didn’t get better than that. Hyungwon was sure Daran would go with them to her company’s head building; it wasn’t like she was ditching them, he understood the CEO had responsibilities to fulfill, but having to share a closed space with the older man for 20 minutes was an unintentional dick move.

_I’m being tested by the universe._

No one said anything during the entire ride. The driver greeted them, but nothing more than that. Hoseok settled himself on the other side of the back seat, leaving the biggest space possible between them. Still uncomfortable, but at least he was keeping his word and doing what he said he would.

The main problem he had with being in Thailand, the one he hated the most, was Hoseok’s fucking hair. Memories erupted and his anxiety took the chance to make it harder to breath; not only did that hurt him, but also flooded his mind and it'd be great if he could drop on the floor and cry. He wasn’t about to let the prick have that, no way.

The second thing he detested about being there was that, apparently, the Thai media was obsessed with him — in a different way Korea was, but still annoying — and the raven-haired had to put on a mask and sunglasses to leave the hotel Daran owned. No matter how good the security was, the press was still trying to mob him; questions in Thai, in English, in Korean. Why people thought his life was so entertaining? It wasn’t like gay people were invented yesterday.

A lot of reporters and photographers already occupied a part of the entrance when they got there.

_These fucking people._

Fidgeting the pants that fit with his black suit, Hyungwon waited for the bodyguards reach the car to get out. Peeking at Hoseok, also with a mask on his face, the older one seemed calm. Sure, it wasn’t him that had been followed by stupid journalists for the past month and a half.

_Asshole._

As the guards tapped on his window to indicate he could get out, he felt the man on his left moving in his direction.

_God, if you’re listening, make this quick._

Casually, he watched dramas and idols performing on music shows and really couldn’t understand how they endured that constant violation of their privacy. If there’s a heaven, Hyungwon was sure he’d already filled all the exigencies to enter there. He better be right.

The security opened the way for them to pass, and the taller quickly stepped out and marched towards the skyscraper; with all that noise he couldn’t hear if Hoseok was on his way. What a nuisance.

It was like a flick in the forehead; quick, and yet painful. It wasn't for more than an instant; hegot distracted for a second and suddenly he was being pushed back, flashes painting his face in white and noise, so much noise. They were all around him, and as much as he tried to walk away from that, he just… couldn’t. He was exhausted of fighting back, there was nothing waiting for him in the end. 

_“What are your plans once you leave Thailand?”_

_“Mr. Chae, please say something about the situation of your…”_

_“You’re being heavily praised among the online viewers…”_

_“Do you intend to emigrate to…”_

From the way his body ached, that was his demise. _Pathetic_. Being suffocated by fucking reporters, like the stupid bitch he was, seemed to be very appropriated. The air was running out of his lungs and he couldn’t draw in more oxygen, no matter how much Hyungwon tried. No one could accuse him of giving up fastly; what more could he do when his numbness took over? Why did he have to be so weak? Why was he like that?

The world became a blurry sketch in front his eyes like always did in those moments; everything was disappearing, and so was he. If they wanted to wreck him that bad, they could have it; would they finally be satisfied they broke him? The joke was on them, because the younger didn't have anything else to lose. It was the moment to-

As swiftly as the raven-haired had been pushed away from the bodyguards, he felt a hand wrapping around his arm to drag him forward — the task Hyungwon should be doing. Letting out a yelp that — maybe — no one heard  because of that chaos, he looked up to understand what was happening; even if it was hard to distinguish the forms around him, but he knew. He felt. Hoseok could have a twin and yet the other person wouldn’t be able to have the same touch.

With a strength he envied, the crimson-haired tried to get them away from the questions and the camera clicks by _literally_ shoving the reporters out of the way, still holding onto his wrist — not enough to hurt, but tightly so Hyungwon couldn’t be pushed back down.

Looking between the the older's fingers and his own, the slow motion experience didn't allow him to think of anything but the fact that, in almost 2 years, that was the first time he was remembered how Hoseok’s skin felt against his.

_It’d be better if I had died a minute ago._

A cold air hit his face, the invisible hands crushing his lungs disappeared, even though he was still hyperventilating. It felt colder than the place he was when Hyungwon noticed that Hoseok’s hand wasn’t there anymore. It was just in his head, nothing more; a side effect of his damn anxiety. Leaning against a wall of the lobby, the younger closed his eyes to get his shit together.

“ _Don’t._ Stay away, give him space.”

After Hoseok’s touch, Hoseok’s voice. Peeking through his sticky bangs, the taller one saw the confused faces of the workers because they didn’t understand shit that idiot was saying. Said idiot seemed to realized fast enough as he opened his arms to block their way to him.

The universe wasn’t testing him, it was roasting him alive.

Daran appeared a few minutes later; he had already pulled most of himself together, gratefully. Hyungwon didn’t understand a single word she said, but the woman seemed worried. Moving her head towards the other Korean, she continued to speak.

“She’s apologizing. A lot.” Side-eyeing, he saw the owner of the voice staring at one of the lobby’s window, even when translating to him. “Said she should’ve seem that coming since you’re a hot topic. And apologized again.”

Looking at Kunakorn again, the woman held her hands against each other, bowing multiple times.

“It wasn’t your fault.” His voice was a bit husky from the panic attack. “I was… slow.”

As Hoseok transmitted his answer, he stared at his wrist again. It wasn’t red, there was nothing to prove that was real.

“Hyungwon. Hyungwon.” After hearing his name twice, he noticed the older one staring at him, with crossed arms. “She’s asking if you need something.”

“No. We can go ahead.”

For a while, Hoseok kept gazing at him as if he was waiting for something to happen. As soon as he replied in French, she extended a hand to indicate the way they should go.

Walking towards one of the elevators, only the 3 of them, Hyungwon watched as the other 2 chatted; particularly something that made Hoseok's face drop to the floor.

“What?”

Looking over his shoulder, as he walked in front of the raven-haired, Hoseok replied.

“Nothing important.”

The audacity. “I want to know.”

“Said we... look good.” Sounded like a murmur. “Together.”

It was a very good thing the man, currently speaking in French, wasn’t facing him; he was damn sure his cheeks were pinkish. Not that he would admit if no proof existed.

The third thing Hyungwon hated the most about this trip was the fact he couldn’t communicate directly with Daran Kunakorn. Why that man got to talk with her, without him knowing what the fuck he's saying? The crimson-haired man could be telling his entire childhood story, or worse. Finally getting out of air was relieving; his pride got in the way when the goddamn asshole asked if he wanted to know what he said, even though it wasn’t business related.

_Fuck this horseshit, that’s my answer._

He didn’t have to voice anything to the other understand it was a “no”.

However, the worst part of that elevator ride to the deepest place of hell was the moment Hoseok’s eyes crinkled as he smile, talking with Daran.

_I really have to get this man murdered._

Daran's office could be describe as simple, and yet very imposing. Hyungwon concluded it was all because of her strong presence, despite the mixture of footsteps and vivid voices of her employees echoing through the room As he read the pages of their agreement — written in English, thank you very much — and everything seemed to be what he expected, he lifted his head, with a satisfied nod. Not that he'd mention that he set the bar so low that he'd accept if a demon could make the same offer.

“Seems like it’s everything my lawyer told me it’d be." Some sentences were from uncharted areas of his knowledge; of course he was going to utterly bullshit his way out of that. "The clauses seem very specific, I like that.”

A genius in the making,  In his peripheral vision, the woman smiled while speaking in French.

“If you need more time to review the contract again, she said you can take it back to the hotel.”

“I will accept that.”

While he returned to his horseshit reading, Daran finalized her thoughts; sounded it was a question.

“Uh…”

The older man kind of seemed embarrassed, whatever the reason was. His pale face was almost turning red.

_Amazing, suffer a lot, but what the hell._

“What is it?”

“She will... host a party. Tonight. For… us.”

_For fuck’s sake._

“Sure.” Voice slightly cracking because he was a stupid pile of manure, Hyungwon bowed his head as a thank you.

 

 

Not a single doubt: he was immortal. He actually survived that entire wild morning, so Hoseok was sure he wouldn’t die ever again; right in your fucking face, Rasputin. He achieved that, thank you very much to that beautiful country.

As they walked around the company and Daran Kunakorn talked about what they did and how things went there, he just couldn’t help but caught himself staring. Strolling behind the CEO and Hyungwon, he discovered that the younger was more handsome that before, if that was humanly possible. The laws of physic were nothing compared to him. What could he do if the man was a magnet he was forever drawn to? Hoseok didn't even was bothered to have to walk for most of the day.

Feeling less nervous now, he recalled being terrified a lot of times before; his scaredy-cat ass couldn't even handle horror movies. However, there was a strong possibility that, when he saw Hyungwon being crowded by the reporters, seeing the younger about to collapse, he was so scared that a shiver down his spine had to snap him out of it; not even his acrophobia was a match to that. Many times before Hoseok did considered smashing some people's face, even though it was hard to upset him til that level. That time was a very rare event where he was angry beyond his control; fuck this entire thing, he'd lose an arm before letting them hurt Hyungwon.

He didn’t think. Hyungwon was nearly on the floor, visibly giving up on trying to get out of that mayhem, so Hoseok didn’t think. Rudely pushing people out of his way — regretting nothing — he had a chance to grab Hyungwon’s wrist; the latter was clutching a hand on his shirt, so Hoseok didn't let go. The process of shoving journalists away was needed one more time, yelling coming from every side of their surroundings. The raven-haired's eyes were still shut when he got them inside Daran's building.

Regardless of that, he never felt so useless. He wanted to embrace Hyungwon and say that he was safe now, that he was there for him; it was the right thing to do, but as the wrong one at the same time. Knowing their situation, maybe he’d have worsened the younger’s state by hugging him. His only unexpected gift was to get to touch his skin after so long, for a few seconds. When would he have the same opportunity again? Preferably one that didn't involve Hyungwon being crowded to death. Maybe as a payback, there wasn’t an answer for that, so he dared to not forget. It belonged to the huge box inside his head where he kept all the moments they were happy together, where the man he loved was standing right next to him; it was well guarded.

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[12:55 pm]_

**wolf pupy** : This is the story of how I died.

 **maknae** : i never unlockedd my phone so fas t

 **baby honey** : he’s writing with the right grammar my blood just froze

 **loveliest bear** : I’m at my lunch break i don’t know anything pls my sun moon and star tell us

 **gun(powder)** : I ALMOST SPILLED MY DRINK this betta be good

 **wolf pupy** : yall saw that???????

_wolf pupy sent a screenshot._

**maknae** : i cant read thai but it the hyungs in the pics???????

 **wolf pupy** : DAMN RIGHT IT IS boi they trending #1 online in thailand and japan

 **gun(powder)** : is this

 **gun(powder)** : a wrist-grab im seeing with my own bisexual eyes in the year of our lord 2019

 **baby honey** : i can’t believe i saw gun gasping like an old white lady

 **baby honey** : BUT IT IS

 **loveliest bear** : i’m crying in the restaurant rn

 **maknae** : it is what it is trust me u gain what u give someone is writing this wonseok drama

 **maknae** : homies THE CLICHES i cannot

 **gun(powder)** : it me. im writing this with the power of my love and dedication to this couple

 **gun(powder)** : obiwan kenobi is guiding me through the bisexual side of the force

 **loveliest bear** : I don’t doubt it

 **wolf pupy** : yall wanna shut up and know what hoseok said

 **gun(powder)** : he cried rite

 **wolf pupy** : ............yep

 **gun(powder)** : see? im so powerful………..

 **wolf pupy** : shut tf up

 **wolf pupy** : bOY THE REPORTERS WERE LIKE SUFFOCATING WONNIE TAKING PICTURES OF HIM AND HYUNG DEADASS PUSHED EVERYBODY OUT THE WAY GRABBED HIS ARM AND TOOK HIM OUTTA THERE

 **loveliest bear** : finally his muscles were of some use

 **maknae** : are the reporters alive

 **maknae** : bc if hoseok hyung pushed me liek that i wouldnt be able to walk for a month

 **wolf pupy** : idk

 **baby honey** : what hyungwon said after that

 **wolf pupy** : nothing

 **wolf pupy** : he was kinda dying hoseok told ppl to give him space so he could breathe then the cool lesbian ceo appeared

 **wolf pupy** : I JUST GOT A TEXT THAT JKDSDGSHDSJDGHLPKGL~]~DGD

 **loveliest bear** : istg lee minhyuk i love you but you’re killing me

 **maknae** : THE FUCK SPILL

 **gun(powder)** : wait for the good shit my gays

 **wolf pupy** : COOL LESBIAN CEO IS THROWING A PARTY FOR THEM

 **wolf pupy** : hoseok be wearin A TUX

 **gun(powder)** : im going to pass out I SWEAR TO MY LOVE FOR JOOHEON

 **gun(powder)** : AND YALL LAUGHED WHEN I SAID ABOUT THE FANCY CLOTHES AND EXPENSIVE ALCOHOL

 **maknae** : aint that deep

 **baby honey** : tru

 **gun(powder)** : im so hype im considering going to thailand to witness this shit

 **baby honey** : changkyun u losing the place of most extra person in this gc do something

 **maknae** : BITCH I MIGHT BE BUT AINT GOING DOWN WITHUOT A FIGHT

 **wolf pupy** : hyung was sad :(

 **wolf pupy** : wonnie wont let him talk w him or get too close and just do what wonnie tells him :(

 **baby honey** : is he a dog

 **maknae** : first of all, hyungwon likes to be around dogs

 **loveliest bear** : jesus..........

 **baby honey** : hello 119?????? i just witnessed a murder

 **baby honey** : but good start to regain the crown bro

 **loveliest bear** : I’m……… sad but I knew it’d be like this I just wished they could like at least talk

 **wolf pupy** : my love, wonnie got HELLA PISSED OFF bc hyung told the cool lesbian ceo what wonnie liked to eat

 **wolf pupy** : at this point im like the reaper when he remembered sunny

 **wolf pupy** : sad hugging something and cryin

 **maknae** : gunhee whats the next plot twist

 **gun(powder)** : glad u asked, kyun *turns the chair around smiling*

 **baby honey** : im going to interdict u

 **baby honey** : continue

 **maknae** : what are u a blockbuster villain

 **maknae** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **maknae** : ki said HI BABE and went 2 the kitchen i saw my life passin in front of my eyes rn

 **maknae** : i was dabbin w jooheon on most of it

 **baby honey** : i should’ve let you lose an arm in that storm sewer

 **gun(powder)** : [in a soft and lovin voice] shut the fuck up so i can tell the story

 **wolf pupy** : if u predict somethin 4 real ill never doubt u again in my life

 **gun(powder)** : it the party. something is boutta go down there

 **gun(powder)** : im betting on a jealous moment or one of them getting drunk but for sure gonna have the slow motion looks™ grab the popcorn

 **gun(powder)** : itd be too greedy to introduce a piggyback ride too soon they gotta bond again

 **loveliest bear** : why you’re making songs when you could be writing the next descendants of the sun

_gun(powder) changed his nickname to: prodigy better than DOTS writer_

**loveliest bear** : your betting is high, boy

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : wonseok is gonna outdo songsong

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : takin everything from the heteros

 **loveliest bear** : songsong couple is cute but wonseok is a religion

 **wolf pupy** : im waiting for the “““““SHOULD I APOLOGIZE OR CONFESS MY LOVE”””” moment gunhee write that shit 4 me

 **baby honey** : i couldn’t breathe when i watched it was like joongki was talking to me

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : cant believe u did jongsuk dirty like that

 **baby honey** : I CRIED WITH PINOCCHIO AND DOCTOR STRANGER AND THE W TWO WORLDS SCENES WHERE HE DIED AND DISAPPEARED A THOUSAND OF TIMES how dare u accuse me

 **loveliest bear** : still waiting for him to marry hyojoo they’re too adorable sorry shin hye and suzy

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : WONSEOK WILL OUTDO ALL OF THEM EVEN IF I HAVE TO DIE FOR THIS TO HAPPEN

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : already wrote their theme song

 **wolf pupy** : u shitting me

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : who do u think itd sing it better: gummy or lee hi we stealing them from dots too

 **wolf pupy** : lee hi sang for scarlet heart ryeo u uncultured swine

 **baby honey** : THE WAR FLASHBACKS

 **loveliest bear** : We DO NOT talk about scarlet heart ryeo in this household.

 

 

As the elevator got closer to the first floor, Hoseok could already hear music coming from the restaurant of Daran’s hotel. Seeing his reflection in the metallic door, from head to toe, he couldn’t help but feel an emptiness that came with the trip coming to an end. At that time, in the next day, they’d be back in Korea, apart. The crimson-haired decided to gather everyhing he could in that box on his mind; all the images of Hyungwon he’d see were precious like the passing of a comet that takes too long to get here.

Hoseok wasn’t sad. Perhaps, it was because being around the younger could never be an unhappy endeavor. What blossomed inside his chest, as he crossed the large lobby, it was similar to watching the ending of a wonderful movie; you don’t want to leave until the screen returns to it’s original black color, maybe waiting for a post-credit scene, for a little bit more of what was so amazing. Everything looked beautiful, there wasn’t space for sorrow.

His currently attire wasn’t the end of the world, but the older was never fond of wearing suits, much less tuxedos. He couldn’t even remember the last time he used something like that; possibly once as a teenager, but that could be just a misunderstanding inside his head. Music got louder as he went in it’s direction; incessant chats mainly in Thai, the sound of glasses gracefully colliding against each other, endless footsteps, and also _him_. Hoseok felt pathetic for being this weak for the raven-haired; he should have some dignity and not look like a goddamn moron in love all the time, right? Hyungwon wouldn’t like that, and he wished the man could have a good time.

_The last minutes._

Noticing Hyungwon sitting on a table with Daran and Marsha, looking down at his phone to possibly avoid a small talk, he had to pull himself together — for the 100th time that trip — during an entire minute to try to remember he couldn’t faint there; once in his room, things were different.

Those suits on the younger were going to be the death of him.

The clock barely reached 09:00 pm and the place was already at almost full capacity; the couple’s friends and the hotel guests were the main public. By the way the guests looked at him, they certainly saw the pictures of Hyungwon and him taken earlier, all over the internet. The taller didn’t make any comment, but he could only imagine how pissed off he should’ve been.

_Way to go, Thai press._

Nothing much, that’s what it was, for Christ’s sake. Didn’t they ever saw someone dragging other person by the arm to escape the fucking reporters? Sometimes, Hoseok wondered why that continent thought they were so entertaining. Like… They should’ve been covering some scandal or celebrity, right? If God was forgiving, with his immense powers, he’d drop something to take the attention away from them.

“Hello again, Hoseok! Did you enjoy your walk?”

Marsha seemed very excited. She returned in the afternoon of that same day, but didn’t looked tired at all. The woman seemed to be one of those people with an infinite amount of energy.

As soon as his name was mentioned, he saw the other Korean raising his head and giving him a look he couldn’t find an adjective to define. The women greeted him in their traditional way and he promptly replied the same gest. In that process, Hoseok also noted that the only empty chair in the table was one almost connected with Hyungwon’s.

_I was asking for mercy, not to leave this world and meet God in person._

"I didn't go too far, just a few blocks from here. I enjoyed, thank you"

“Since you arrived, I’ll proceed with the speech to start the party. Marsha can translate for you two.”

Daran didn’t wait for a reply and headed towards the small stage, at that time occupied by a modest live band. So, of course the atmosphere was awkward, bless Marsha for not noticing and keep talking with them.

“You’ll be leaving tomorrow, right? That’s sad, I wanted to get to know you both better.” Her smile was so warm it made Hoseok feel calmer. “I hope we can see each other when we visit Korea again.”

Still standing up beside the woman, he nodded.

“It’d be my pleasure.”

“Yeah.” Hyungwon muttered, from the other side of the table. “It’d be nice.”

 

 

It’d be nice for Hyungwon if he could really bury himself alive in the Gobi Desert like he wanted to. It was almost over; he could do that. Sure, a few hours in that party wouldn’t get to kill him, he just had to forget the crimson-haired man was there.

After replying to Marsha’s idea, he announced he was leaving for a while, heading straight to the food table. Food made everything better, God bless people who knew how to cook; he go through the night if his stomach was so full he didn’t care about the rest of the planet. Hyungwon didn't have a single idea what the fuck he was eating, but it was so good he ate everything on one of the plates. The younger man noticed, as he turned around to search for more things to eat, that the table he was devouring happened to be near a table where they were rearranging coupe glasses, with some kind of alcohol. The smell of liquor is very easy to recognize once you’ve been in enough places parties.

Hyungwon doesn’t drink. He was very aware it was always a bad idea, so he'd drown himself in soda and keep being hangover-free. Why was his hand reaching to grab one of the overflowing crystal glasses? Did he care?

Not really.

As much as he liked to reinforce his strength, the time spent reassuring himself he was strong enough seemed to have been wasted in a lost cause. His body was sore from all the anxiety and panic he felt in one single day, and Hyungwon truly wanted to give a shit, but he simply realized he didn’t, not anymore. He couldn’t deal with that fucking circus and everything that wasn’t his place back in Korea wasn’t important.

It was silently stated that he was the guy who drives everyone back home safely, and he wasn’t bothered by his role; when the parties had something to eat was big victory. So, the raven-haired didn’t drink. Yet there was him, already on the 4th glass of a liquid that burned as it slid down his troat; the pain didn’t matter, he just didn't want to have to feel.

The waiters, collectively, gave him a concerned stare.

 

 

A wave of applauses ended Daran’s speech; she thanked them for the opportunity of that encounter and the promising connection with the Korean company. Quickly, more bodies than he could count gathered again in the middle of the restaurant, enchanted by the music being played again. Still sitting where Hyungwon previously was, some people bowed a bit as they passed by him, and another portion kept giving him _that_ look. Did he care?

Hell, no.

While eating something put on his table when he wasn’t looking, he wondered if Hyungwon filled his stomach with something; the possibility he was hungry and looking for Korean food was very high.

That wasn’t how he saw him again that night.

The taller man saw him too, by the way he marched towards his table. While checking the crowd, Hoseok saw Daran and Marsha dancing in the back. They were really cute.

What made him notice something was wrong was Hyungwon’s lack of equilibrium as he paced. _What angered him now?_ The crimson-haired didn’t remember doing anything so outrageous. Perhaps the raven-haired wasn’t comfortable to be around so many strangers. To the man, Hoseok was one of them, though.

The lights of the large space flickered over Hyungwon's face as he arrived, but not in the same way the unwanted camera flashes did; the beauty of this action resembled a unfinished painting. Hoseok must’ve distracted himself again, because he didn't immediately noted the annoyed way the younger glared at him; he hadn’t given him a look like that during the entire trip. The fussy song, along intoxicating beverages that made noisy laughs emerge, was very helpful to muffle the way the Hyungwon started yelling at him. And because it was in Korean.

“YOU.” The younger stood in front of him, still unbalanced. “Why are _you_ here?”

_What?_

Scrunching his brows together, he managed to give a reply.

“Because you asked me to.”

“If I asked you to jump off a bridge, you’d do it?”

“Probably.” It had been a long time ago that Hoseok accepted he’d follow the raven-haired even into the depths of hell, if he asked to.

His face dropped. “Why?”

“Because I lo-”

“STOP LYING!” The other was losing his patient. Only two people caught sight of that, and yet didn’t say anything.

As he moved in Hoseok’s direction, Hyungwon lost control of his body for real, that time. It wasn’t like the crimson-haired wanted to; his hands were so used with the impression of hold him that it felt like a habit. If he hadn’t quickly wrapped an arm around his waist, the man would be on the floor in a second.

_Good Lord. He is drunk._

He was more than drunk. From what he could see, he was soaked in alcohol to the bone. A bottle of beer displayed more sobriety more than the younger. It was impossible to ignore it, especially due the position he was in.

_So. close._

Ignore that. What almost made his knees turn to jelly was the calm after that storm. The déjà vu in the way Hyungwon gazed at him wasn’t violent, wasn’t upset; he did like to deceive himself, though, so in his head what he saw was a slice of longing.

“WHY… I’m tired, Hoseok. I don’t… Just… Why?”

_Not the right moment, I'm sorry._

“You’re drunk, Hyungwon. We’re calling it a night.”

“NO!”

It took long enough for him push the older’s arms off of him, striking back. “I’m not going-” Nausea. Always happened when he drank too much, and maybe that was the shittiest one of his life so far. “I’m fine, I don’t need you. Never did.”

The counting ended after the 10th kick in his gut on Thailand’s soil.

“I know.” Of course he knew. No one but him was ridiculous in that case. “But you don’t want to make a scene here. You hate that. Let’s go.”

“NO! I won’t go. You’ll ditch me.”

When Hoseok imagined how hurt Hyungwon would be during all those months, that’s what he looked like in his cogitations. Shattered.

_I did that to him._

“Then go back to your room. Alone. I won’t interfere unless it’s needed.”

Glaring at him one last time and scoffing, the raven-haired turned on his heels and walked away; it was a very impressive thing he didn’t fell off or bumped into something. Perhaps, he didn’t know Hyungwon as much as he liked to think he did.

Perhaps, that statement was right. Desolation hit him like a truck; watching the person he loved in that state made his heart ache so much, regardless of he wasn’t entitled to. As much as Hoseok hoped things would be, at least, not so hateful between them, he was aware the chances were very low. Thinking about the hard times the other man went through, he questioned himself a lot about what he was doing.

Was Hoseok heartbroken like him?

_I was. I am, I am._

Did he leave because he wasn’t enough?

_You always were more than I ever thought I’d have; it wasn’t your fault._

Why? Why? Why?

_I’ll tell you one day. I love you. I missed you so much._

As they hurriedly got into the elevator — their rooms were in the 13th floor — Hoseok’s body leaned against the wall. Under a clear light, he saw so much fatigue in Hyungwon’s face, so much heartache. Why couldn’t he remember he didn’t deserve to feel like that? It wasn’t supposed to be this way, but in the middle of the journey was life, being a trickster.

_It wasn’t supposed to end like that._

In a natural proportion, the music coming from the restaurant faded away as the metallic doors closed. Crossing his arms, on the opposite side of the Hyungwon’s, he observed, in his peripheral vision a very fast motion towards the control buttons, hitting the one with a vertical black bar separating two triangles.

“What the hell?”

Body almost hitting the floor of the metallic box, he had to harshily crouch down to use the walls as support. With a courage that wasn’t enough, he looked back at the man. Fury emanated with his entire body.

“Why me?”

He didn’t have an answer, and Hyungwon was fed up for life.

“ANSWER ME!”

Standing up again, the words that left his mouth wasn’t what the other wanted to hear, but it was all he could offer.

“Not now. Not here.”

“Then when, Hoseok? When you manage to fool me again, telling you love me, saying I mean something to you? When…” Lowering his chin, the younger choked back a sob.

Hoseok was trying to choose the right moment, but at that moment he just wanted to die.

“I’ll tell you in Korea. I-”

It happened so fast — so out of place — that the entire scene felt as if it was made up. With his back colliding against the elevator’s wall, with the wrath of another body, he simply froze; a surprised gasp was the only answer to the impact.

The space between them lessened so much he could count Hyungwon’s eyelashes. But that interaction had nothing to do with intimacy; retaliation of someone betrayed was the bitter reality.

If he could, the older would’ve googled “How the fuck am I alive without breathing”.

“WHY!” His hold on his tux tightened; Hyungwon was stronger than people would think. “Tell me. Tell me you never loved me. Tell me I was a fucking joke to you. Tell me you kissed me out of pity. Say it. SAY IT!”

“I didn't pretend. Everything was real, I’ll prove it.”

The younger’s feature dived into wretched waters. However, he laughed.

“I will learn to hate you.” Another push against the silver wall. “I will forget you even if it kills me. Never want to see you again, don’t look for me. You won’t…”

“I want you to be happy. If never seeing me again will make you happy, I’m okay with it. It’s complicated and I’m just… trying.”

Sneering, the taller broke the longest staring contest they ever had since… _that_. Tramping back to his original place, Hyungwon was already chuckling. The rest of the course was the most deafening silence known by humanity; it was the rise of the monster he created.

The only thing he could do was keep a good distance; the raven-haired paced in front of him down the hallway. The fact that he was walking steadily towards his room, even though he was hammered, was certainly fueled by the Hyungwon’s hatred for him.

Easily find his keycard, Hoseok peeked at the man beside him, struggling a bit to open his door. Still at the entrance of his room, he heard a thump in the room next door. Even if he didn’t want to react, his brain thought otherwise.

It took him only a few seconds to find Hyungwon on the floor of his room, back facing the entry.

“Hyungwon? Are you okay?”

“LEAVE ME ALONE! GET OUT!”

“Okay. I will.”

Another thump. With every struggle to get up, it seemed Hyungwon had run out of physical control. And Hoseok had enough; there was no turning back from that, the wound was open again and the sky was pouring acid. The sight was unbearable; not doing something about it felt like a crime. The man could continue his contempt for him in bed.

“LET GO!”

A few steps later, the other was lying down on his back, despite all the grunting. Rolling to the center of the bed, he buried his head under one of the pillows.

Hoseok's mind warned him; that was it.

It was the moment where he would have to part ways with the man he was in love with. Again.

_This is where I leave him._

“Hyungwon. I know you won’t… you don’t believe… If I never see you again, good morning, good night and happy birthday. I’m sorry. Be happy.”

Knives. They were there, thousands, piercing one by one through his chest. He wanted to cry a entire ocean. Numbness, and yet so much agony; he always imagined that dying would feel similar to that. The cruelty of that moment was inhumane, even if he was nothing but a burglar. His mind was fixated on a single question: was that really the last time?

_Please, let me keep the last time I saw his face, please._

“If you’re a man.”

The sound of his voice made Hoseok stop on his tracks. As he made eye contact with Hyungwon again, who now sat upright in bed, for once, he wanted to know what to say.

“What?”

“The song. It’s the name. I hummed on you. You always asked me the name.”

Coming as no surprise, brain couldn’t come up with shit to reply.

_Him. His eyes, his lips, his hair, his voice. Just one more second, let me remember that._

He was taking too long, looking at the other man like an idiot.

“Sleep well, Hyungwon. Goodbye.”

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[02:46 am]_

**loveliest bear** : WAKE UP

 **loveliest bear** : i dont know what to do

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : WHAT

 **loveliest bear** : minhyuk is SOBBING on the phone with hoseok

 **loveliest bear** : i can’t hear hoseok but im sure he’s like that too

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : take the phone away from him ffs

 **maknae** : what tf happened CONTROL HIM HYUNG I NEED 2 KNOW

 **loveliest bear** : boy i’m trying brb

 

_[03:29 am]_

**loveliest bear** : i’m back

 **baby honey** : i thought you were crying too

 **loveliest bear** : i was, but not like them. min said he’s coming in a sec

 **maknae** : im in the bathroom at 3am and i need to wake up in 4h but THE TENSION

 **maknae** : thank god kihyun didnt see me

 **baby honey** : gunhee fucking woke me up but now i’m too nervous to sleep

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : minhyuk where u at

 **wolf pupy** : here

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : how u doing what happened

 **wolf pupy** : i’ll never be happy again. i’m feeling all the sadness in the world. i unlearned how to smile.

 **baby honey** : holy lord of the rings

 **maknae** : pls dont write correctly it scare the living shit outta me

 **wolf pupy** : hoseoks is fuckin wrecked

 **wolf pupy** : srsly i think he hit the rock bottom

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : WHAT HAPPENED

 **wolf pupy** : hyungwon just........ i dont kno if this can work out anymore hyung was sobbing like a kid ffs

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : what. happened.

 **wolf pupy** : to sum it up hyungwon got piss drunk and stopped the elevator they were in and went tf off on hyung

 **maknae** : SINCE WHEN HYUNGWON BE DRINKING????????

 **loveliest bear** : he doesn’t

 **maknae** : fuCK

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : now im crying

 **wolf pupy** : he wasnt crying for him it was for wonnie he was really worried abt wonnie

 **wolf pupy** : wonnie asked again the reason and said hoseok never loved him and lied and he gonna find a way to hate him like forever

 **maknae** : god……….. theres tears in my eyes whats this why cant things be easier all of us together

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : jooheon cant stop crying and me neither

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : im legit devastated

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : its time to get the cavalry

 **wolf pupy** : what

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : we gotta summon the hamster

 

 

A heavy metal band was performing inside his head, or maybe he was actually in hell, he didn’t know. His head stung so much it was difficult to lift it; it took him 20 minutes to get off the bed and search for water. What the hell did it-

_“Why are you here?”_

_“You’re drunk, Hyungwon. We’re calling it a night.”_

_“Tell me. Tell me you never loved me. Tell me I was a fucking joke to you. Tell me you kissed me out of pity. Say it. SAY IT!”_

_“I will forget you even if it kills me. Never want to see you again, don’t look for me. You won’t…”_

_“LEAVE ME ALONE!”_

Oh, God. He didn’t. Hyungwon dreamed of that, it had to be the reality. It was absolutely impossible he did and said that. Was he possessed by a ghoul? A very good possibility. The Gobi Desert could officially wait for him, he was going to RSVP the shit out of that.

After being done with the mortified screams, he really considered jumping out of the fucking window of his room; it’d be better than remembering his shitfaced self, and having to face Hoseok again. Not only him, but Daran and Marsha. Did they saw him wasted like that? His body was long, but the shame was overpouring out if it. The raven-haired would’ve googled “Is it possible to die from embarrassment” if he could find his phone.

Rooting for God to send a meteor in his direction as his last merciful act, there wasn’t anything he could do unless he convinced himself to stop fucking around, and just go with it. What happened, happened. He couldn’t undo that fuckery, as much as he wanted to. Ignoring Hoseok and just take the fucking plane back home were the basics of his escape plan.

Moving as fast as he could towards the elevator, sunglasses on because the sun was trying to blind him with too much light, he peeped at Hoseok’s door and, Jesus, the realization he’d never outlive that disgrace hit hard. Something that wasn’t there before was almost unseen.

A yellow post-it was glued on the door, near the room’s number.

_"Good morning._

_Good night._

_Happy birthday."_

It was Hoseok’s handwriting. Only a few people in the world could understand his dreadful calligraphy, and Hyungwon was one of them by experience. At end of the paper, also in a messy hangul, was the confirmation.

_S.H._

_What the fuck? Was that for me? What that hell does it mean?_

He didn’t care, really. Trailing again to the next elevator, he crushed small paper into a ball and tossed it inside his pocket.

When he arrived at the front desk, Hyungwon asked one of the employees, who spoke English, about Daran and Marsha; the small middle-aged woman gently responded that the couple hadn’t come down yet. Turning around to leave, he remembered of asking if Hoseok was already up and invigorating himself with his humiliation. For the simple purpose of knowing if Hyungwon already had to avoid him, naturally.

“Excuse me, but you’ve seen Hoseok around?”

Knitting her brows, the woman was trying to remember who the hell he was talking about. It didn’t take too long.

“Oh, the man that came with you. I thought you were informed.”

_Is everyone talking in riddles today?_

“About what?”

“He checked-out of the hotel around midnight. I remember him, I was in the night shift. He left a note thanking the hotel owner and her wife and said he had to go home. Didn’t he tell you?”

He did. It was in his pocket, and in his almost lost memory.

_“Hyungwon. I know you won’t… you don’t believe… If I never see you again, good morning, good night and happy birthday. I’m sorry. Be happy.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I SWEAR ILL TELL THE REASON NEXT CHAPTER PUT THE KNIFE DOWN TAKE A DEEP BREATH 
> 
> first of all i did try to be very respectful about thailand's details (i was scared of even coming up with the couple's names) so if i wrote some colossal shit, lemme know so i can correct it and facepalm my way til the ninth circle of hell
> 
> second of all, i revived the gc talks so it wasnt going to be 100% sad shit  
> yall missed it?????// also LESBIANS TOO GOOD FOR DIS WORLD and im sorry i had to be so mean i didnt like it too  
> im tired of the sad stuff too homie it starts getting better 
> 
> the song hyungwon hummed is If You're A Man by Buzz (the funniest shit is that the song has this line: wanna come over for some ramen?)
> 
> half of the next chapter is already written its gonna be like 15k?? i guess PLS SUPPORT THE COMEBACK  
> see yall next week, kids


	13. Stigma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bitch...................................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOORAY  
> how yall doing? idk if u noticed but i added +2 chapters bc of reasons so support the future comebacks
> 
> i rewrote this entire thing 3 times while listening to the perfect red velvet and i still dont think its 100% but anyways ill deal w that later  
> theres a lot of parallels in this 17k chapter (grab a snack) i think yall will like it
> 
> no more delays its here that thing yall waited for  
> the title is from the bts song sung by my second favorite baritone taetae
> 
> enjoy (or not)

Here’s how to survive a heartbreak: disturb the fabric of reality. Break the laws of physic with how much you can cry without your body run out the water. The one who isn’t there, is there. You imagine and it’s in front of your eyes, you imagine and the recalling is a work of art; _they are, they are_. Inside that little creation, time doesn’t matter, you just need to not wake up. Go back to your dreams, kid, and live it all again, learn to pretend that producing fake memories isn’t a sacrilege. Their touch is medicine to your burnt skin; their lips, always a monument, is still on yours, still on the museum. Then the day comes. The person you desire seems to be happy without you; they moved on, they don’t need you anymore. Something snaps and you understand that you can’t do nothing but to let go; learning to stop fighting is worthy when you see them smile. It isn’t about you. You don’t know the other part’s anguish, but they’re trying to escape it, and so should you. It may never entirely heal, but this _is_ about you. The coping mechanism you once called love is doomed; the sky is slantwise falling, so you better run.  

Moving his legs felt like wandering in circles. What was he doing, anyway? He couldn’t tell. The only sound around was of his footsteps, then his hand retreating from his suitcase… and here comes the black out. After a while, opening one eye, Hoseok saw _him_. A dream like it always was, but Hyungwon smiled at him and the rest of the universe didn’t stand a chance. A twinge in his heart stole his breath, it was time to acknowledge his downfall. Hoseok’s first thought was that he lost. He lost everything when he first left him behind, that was what he could finally admit. The man he loved was running away, what could he do in the aftermath but to cry? It wasn’t supposed to be like that; he was in the wrong timeline, kidnapped by a punisher that knew his evils too well. Hoseok belonged in a world where Hyungwon and him never broke up; bodies still against each other as it should be. Wishing that would torment him forever.

But it’d be an honor to be haunted by him.

Peaking through his eyelashes, the scattered ashes didn’t conquer the entire place he currently was, because a dim light fought back. Where did that come from, anyway? Not important. Something shattered, but the weird thing is that Hoseok found out that, yes, you can break something that was already broken; life is quite creative. Pretending it never cracked formed a phantom heart, fed by useless hope, only to be destroyed for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time. The pieces floating inside his chest were enigmas no one could find a solution to, but Hoseok would try if he had a second chance with him. Him, him who he loved. Him, the rightful retaliator. The crimson-haired was the person to blame, he couldn’t complain. His only task was… to try.

A faint noise came from a distant point from where he was — where was he? Oh, his house. The was apartment, which he had moved in a week before travelling; it was a strange little world that should look like him, but who was he? Hoseok didn’t know. _Answers_. Something he didn’t gave Hyungwon, because he thought he knew better and perhaps, he didn’t. So there was him, trapped in the eternal roadway to accept the consequences. Waiting was his specialty, anyways.

Beside him, a weight was added to where he lied down — his bed, it felt like his bed now that he thought about it; he could be wrong, not enough time was spent in that place to recognize things so fast. His brain sent the simple message that stirring was more tortuous than staying inside his own head; it burned and God, he never felt like he deserved pain more than at that moment.

“Hoseok, wake up. Hoseok…”

A hand slightly shaking his shoulder, a gentle one. Familiar, but he wasn’t paying attention.

“Hyun… Hyungwon…”

“Hyung, it’s me, Minhyuk. And Hyunwoo. Also Jooheon, Gun and Changkyun.”

“Oh…” Inclining his head ached. How long did he stay inert? “Minhyukkie… What are you… doing here?”

A full sky of faces floated above him, but it was too dark.

“What time is it?”

“08:00 pm.” Hyunwoo’s voice, maybe.

“Turn on. The light.”

The clarity’s impact on his eyes hurt, but what was about him that wasn’t hurting? Taking a deep breath, Hoseok propped himself up to sit in bed.

“Why… are you all here?” His voice was husky from all the tears. “Something happened? Is he okay?”

“Jesus Christ, Shin Hoseok. I was so goddamn worried.” Minhyuk almost yelled, but he caught himself on act and refrained from it. He looked a bit in panic. “I called you 344 times. For real. The others were worried too…”

He didn’t follow it. “Why?”

Emerging from behind Jooheon and Gunhee, Changkyun spoke this time.

“Because you’re suffering and you’re our friend.”

“I’m…” What was he? That was what he was doing, still alive? He didn’t know. “It was my fault. Well, everything… since the beginning. Hyungwon is right to hate me. He… I did that do him, I don’t have the right to-”

Like a geyser, blazing water he didn’t know he still had inside him poured over his entire being.

“Hyung…”

Circling the bed to sit next to him, Jooheon didn’t say much. Hoseok was losing it again, he could feel it in his bones; why couldn’t he get a hold of himself?

It wasn’t supposed to be like that. He stole that underseving sorrow one more time, though.

Minhyuk’s hand patted his hair while he wept in Jooheon’s arms, like he thief he was. His heart was in so much agony that Hoseok thought he could die from it; pretty much how he felt as soon as he arrived in France. Now he was closer than ever before; Hoseok had his friends there. His friends were there, but he didn’t feel worthy of that. Was that his definitive destiny? He had the memories, he still did. Maybe it was the universe’s last act of compassion; to give him more things to yearn about, so he could survive. The man didn’t even know if he cared about that.

The exact time his his tears ceased were a mystery to him. His limbs were tired, Hoseok certainly looked like a human disaster and it was crystal clear that his friends were stifling in that sorrowful atmosphere. Clearing his throat, he lifted his head to face the others.

“Did you tell them, Minhyuk?”

His best friend was a bit embarrassed. “Yeah. Sorry, I couldn’t handle this alone. And they care about you, we all do.”

“You guys shouldn’t. Go to-”

“Quit that, will you?” Gunhee. Always passionate, even in his caring. “You’re not a monster. And you love him, we’re sure. You wouldn’t be in this state if you didn’t.”

“I do.” Always. Perhaps even before meeting him. “I do.”

“Hyung.” Jooheon’s whisper drew his attention to his left side. “Don’t give up, okay? You have to take care of yourself. Did you eat?”

Did he? Hoseok couldn’t remember. The taxi he took at the airport silently led him back to his house; the entire drive was unexistent in his mind, though. The recall of that night was a spear he used to punish himself, and to cry, to sob until his lungs couldn’t take it anymore and made him faint.

“Come on, Hoseok.” Hyunwoo, now, for sure. The man helped him to get up — he almost fell on his back again trying to do it by himself — and embraced him. “You’re not alone anymore.”

 

 

Two facts about Hyungwon, at that exact moment, sitting on his couch with Kihyun that talked about something he wasn’t paying attention, were both true. He didn’t know how, but anyways.

Fact number 1: the emptiness that made home inside his chest was eating him alive; that wasn’t like he expected to feel, and it was a bit weird because he was back in his comfort zone, so what was wrong? Things were over, he could life his life anywhere. It was pathetic of him to think that was an obstacule. The jet lag was also a very important influence — he convinced himself, had to.

Fact number 2: Hyungwon felt like a pretender. His life wasn’t his own because of his own choices, and for those made for him. He was pretending even to his best friend; a glance at the brown-haired man was a disclosure of guilt. Why was he feeling like that, only for not telling something that didn’t matter? Because it didn’t matter — he convinced himself, had to.

“…and Changkyun didn’t answer my calls, is he trying to give me a heart attack? Aish. I’m hungry. Do you want to order something? I know nice places-”

Hyungwon was fucked, and boy, wasn’t he a catastrophe? Fully staring at the older man, head shamefully craning in his direction, the control was lost for good. Would he feel better after spilling it? Probably not.

“He left me there.”

His friend looked at him as if he went crazy. “Who? Hoseok?”

“Yeah. He left, a few hours after we fought.”

Turning his body towards the younger to pay more attention, Kihyun frowned.

“You two fought? Why? I mean, I can imagine but…”

“He fucking left me behind again, Kihyun. I allowed him to do that again.”

“Hyungwon…”

“Fine, I got drunk. I yelled at him everything I was holding back all this time. I asked again and again the reason and he didn’t…” _Don’t you dare cry, Chae Hyungwon_. “He didn’t want to.”

The other man looked calmer than he expected. “Did he… say why?”

“Korea. Said he’d tell me here. And I said I never want to see him again.”

“So…” A weird pause. “He did what you asked…”

Yes, Hoseok did. He still wanted him to be villain.

“I didn’t remember… I was drunk and I fell and he carried me to bed. Then he said good morning, good night and happy birthday and left.”

“What?”

“A post-it, on the door of his room. He left it there. Said good morning, good night, happy birthday. In case he never saw me again. He also said this when he put me in bed, but I didn’t remember until they said he left and…”

“Hyungwon…”

“Fuck, Kihyun. I want to unlove him… but I can’t-” Why couldn’t he stop crying like a goddamn idiot? Why did he have to be a trainwreck?  Kihyun’s hug was the only thing that felt real in the room. “I want to, I want. He left me, no, I told him to leave… Why I don’t hate him? I want to, I swear…”

Taking his hand, the older replied. “It must be hard, you’ll get there.”

“How?” A sob, that made his lungs hurt, hit Hyungwon again. “I missed him so much. I didn’t realize it until I saw him in the boys’ house. I want to fight it, I hurt him. I’m in so much pain, all this time…”

Sorrow, inside himself, never stopped being a rayless cave in eternal expansion. The fault was his for thinking that it was going to be so easy.

“I know, Hyungwon-ah. I know.” Pulling back, the older wiped the dry tears off his cheeks. “Do you still want an explanation?”

To be sincere, Hyungwon didn’t know. Should he risk suffer even more? It was like giving Hoseok a dagger — _the power_ — so he could stab him again.

_Is oblivion a better fate?_

“I’m not sure. He keeps looking at me with those eyes and I hate how much he still affects me… I’m afraid.”

The older nodded, crossing his arms.

“You don’t have to hurry. But you do need closure, Hyungwon. This is killing you. Even hearing that he bullshited you the entire time must be better than living like this. Solve this, once and for all.”

 

 

3 weeks after getting back to Korea, he saw Hoseok again. His footsteps weren’t planned to lead him towards the older, but to Hyungwon, every path he took it, somehow, always kept an inescapable pattern of merging their lives. 08:00 am was a very ungodly hour, so he should’ve seen some shit coming; the man didn’t spot him, though. He was way too entertained chatting with a lady at a street market, probably about something like healthy food. Still had the stupid red hair, still smiled way too much for his heart to keep it cool.

_Still buys food in places like this, I see._

Hoseok took him there, once. It was a hot and crowded morning, despite all the snow that fell off the sky. The older man laughed at everything and Hyungwon needed a moment to get his shit together; to sum it up, it was kinda hard to be upset. Not that he’d admit that Hoseok was his Achilles' heel. Oddly, a bittersweet memory felt like it was made yesterday.

 

_“YAH, HYUNGWON! KEEP UP!”_

_Wobbling between the passersby, he was really tempted to snap Hoseok’s neck. Why, of all the time they had, did he choose to bring him to a place so mobbed, in a goddamn stuffy day? Another mystery about that man’s brain that should be studied by scientists of the future. Good God, why that place was so fucking noisy? He never regretted something more than having left his dorm room._

_“Don’t shout at me! I’m not used to this.” Despite his efforts, he bumped into another person, for the 10th time in only a few minutes._

_“Come here.” Switfly moving to where Hyungwon was — the motherfucker didn’t even had courtesy of struggling a bit — the older entwined their fingers and smiled in that way that made his walls fall apart. His heart could only handle so much. “I’ll show you a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view.”_

_“Don’t you dare bring Aladdin into this.”_

_Abruptly making a pause in this steps, which made the younger’s chest to hit his back, Hoseok turned around. Releasing the grip on Hyungwon’s hand, the older placed his hands on his shoulder._

_“Stop being a moody brat, or I’ll kiss you right here.”_

_That man was going to kill him at that rate._

_“Wh- What? You- You wouldn’t.”_

_One step forward and Hoseok leaned to stand very close to his face._

_“Oh, I will.” It got worse when he started whispering. “And you’ll moan like you did yesterday in the middle of this street.”_

_The younger wasn’t an expert, but he was pretty sure that was very illegal in all the planets of the Milky Way, at least; perhaps he should sue the fucker for emotional distress. It was also very illegal for Hoseok to look so damn perfect._

_“I hate you so much, Shin Hoseok.”_

_Stomping off in front of the man, Hyungwon could feel his entire face burning; one could boil water on his cheeks. The biggest audacity was when he heard his boyfriend chuckling behind him._

_“You love me! Wait for me or I won’t cook anything for you!”_

_“Forget it, I don’t want it! Stay with your ramen and healthy stuff, I’ll order food.”_

_“YAH, WAIT FOR ME! Wait for me, I’m your hyung!”_

_Swirling to face the older, he pulled his supreme resting bitch face._

_“I’m taller.”_

_“Come with me, pretty please?” Those goddamn eyes. It wasn’t fair. “You and food are pretty much the things I like the most.”_

_“I’ll tell your mother that.”_

_“The betrayal.” Bringing a hand to his chest to fake pain, his boyfriend finally catched up. “Now I know how Choi Tae Ho’s friend felt when he killed him in Missing 9.”_

_“You’re a ridiculous man. Fine. The wheel is come full circle: I am here.”_

_“Did you just Shakespeare me?”_

_“Yes. And I’ll be the one murdering you if you don’t move.”_

_He giggled, in that way that would make his eyes crinkle. The younger was so fucked._

_“You’re so cute when you’re pretending to be mad. Gosh, I love you so much.”_

_“Don’t test my patient or you’ll be loving me from spirit world.”_

_“I’ll meet you in all our lives anyway, just like the couple from The Legend of the Blue Sea.”_

_Hyungwon sighed. That’s all he could do._

_“I swear to God, Hoseok. If I didn’t love you, you’d be dead already.”_

_Another laugh from the older._

_“You’re so cute. I’m in love with the biggest tsundere alive.”_

_“YAH, HOSEOK! COME BACK HERE, WEASEL!”_

_Escaping from Hyungwon’s slaps, Hoseok was faster in crossing the small ladder in the middle of the market. The nerve. But the idiot smiled and more of his walls crumbled down; what was the matter, anyway? He couldn’t remember._

Running inside that place, Hoseok and Hyungwon from the past faded away like ashes in the wind; an exhibit of his selective memory was so fast that he didn’t even notice that Hoseok had already left. Seemed to be his expertise, truly.

Oh. Right.

_“I will forget you even if it kills me. Never want to see you again, don’t look for me. You won’t…”_

Yeah. He needed to remember he didn’t live in that reality anymore — The one where Hoseok didn’t break every part of him — and regardless of everybody thought, that was the life Hyungwon was meant to be living, in that timeline. Getting what he wanted, which was never having to see that man again, allowed the raven-haired to begin to rebuild his life; there was so much to do, he was already kinda tired. If Hoseok seemed to be so well, why should he feel, somewhat, miserable? Hyungwon got what he wanted.

Taking one step behind to leave that pathetic situation, it was quite inevitable not to bump into someone that was, previously, behind him. His body wasn’t quick enough to avoid his fall on the sidewalk, though. Between despair and fear, there was a place where Hyungwon lived. The sparks attacking him weren’t helping; another case of those goddamn flashes. It had been a while since someone tried to blind him by taking pictures.

_For fuck’s sake._

“STOP THAT! STOP! STOP! I SAID STOP!” The man didn’t seem like he was going to comply; he couldn’t get a good look at the person, because it took only a couple of seconds for that hell to start.

Trying to hide his face with his hand only made it worse — the acknowledgement of his own panic was the only thing he could trust it was tangible. He was stupid, that was his fau-

Like sparkler candles being blown on top of a cake, the bright lights disappeared as rapidly as it appeared; he didn’t have the time to make a wish, and yet his peace was given back to him. The air, betraying nature, was running away from his lungs, though. His eyes hurt because of that exposure, so it was a bit difficult to understand what was happening. Did Hyungwon created a delirium out of fucking nowhere? Why couldn’t he be a normal person and just fight back?

Even though he was in broad daylight, there wasn’t a single soul walking through that the nearby streets; there wasn’t any shadow for his blurry vision to notice. Did God resolved to finally have so mercy on him and threw that photographer in an endless ditch of hellhounds?

Not yet.

Tapping the pavement under him — cold stone — a pang in his hand almost made him curse out loud. Hyungwon could get used to that pain, he always did. A sudden thud caught his attention, for the first time in that situation.

Something was smashed. As he craned his head to know what the fuck was going on, only a couple of tiny black pieces on the ground were within his sight. What was that, anyway? Hyungwon’s mind couldn’t put his knowledge to work. Where did the flashes go? The chances that he finally went crazy were pretty high.

Not yet.

Looking up, a burgundy shape moved on his left side, a few steps away from him. The sky was swallowing him and it was entirely red, similar to the blood on his hand. During the disaster, a voice finally arose.

_Oh, no._

“Be grateful I just smashed your SD Card. Get near him again and your camera isn’t the only thing I’m gonna break.”

_What?_

Propping himself up with his hands — _Shit, it hurts_ — he was able to partially see the moment the prick, the photographer, sprinted off down the street. Eyes back at his left, the oxygen finally started to flow naturally inside his body.

The first thing he perceived, when his eyesight went back to normal, was that Hoseok seemed more in panic than him. The man made a move to reach out, as if he was going to check if the younger was alright. Hit by a reminder, the older held himself back, his eyes rushed to gaze at the sidewalk. Meanwhile, Hyungwon just sat there, staring at him in a very dazed way.

_What is he doing?_

Turning back to grab his plastic bags on the floor, full of food, Hoseok strolled back to his destination.

He didn’t look back at him not even once. The funniest thing was that he still didn’t know what just happened, but Hyungwon never wanted to die so bad in a long time.

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[10:35 am]_

**wolf pupy** : bitches we back

 **baby honey** : what

 **wolf pupy** : we got new stuff

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : i thought u said this aint gonna work anymore

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : but go on

 **loveliest bear** : what is happening why is this gc being revived

 **wolf pupy** : someone tried to take pics of wonnie in the middle of street

 **wolf pupy** : hyung kicked the guy til mars

 **wolf pupy** : he got v angry when he saw wonnie yellin to the guy stop it

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : WHAT

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : DONT PLAY WIT H MY FEELS

 **loveliest bear** : he hit someone??????????

 **wolf pupy** : ofc not but he was close 2 lose his shit wonnie fell and was kinda panicking

 **wolf pupy** : he just broke the guy’s sd card in a half

 **honey bear** : MY HEROOOOOOOO

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : this is my rebirth as wonseok writer

 **loveliest bear** : do not

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : too late

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : shouldve told hyung to not save hyungwon like the clumsy and kind but strong lead he is

 **maknae** : WAIT A SEC MY HYUNGS

 **maknae** : hes is w/ kihyun here rn its ki’s day off

 **maknae** : theyre in our room but i can hear hyungwon crying from the living room

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : WHY???/HE GOT HURT??/

 **maknae** : his hand was a bit scratched idk if thats the reason

 **wolf pupy** : hoseok just kicked the guy out and left

 **loveliest bear** : WHY IS THAT

 **wolf pupy** : bc he think thats what wonnie wants he almost went to check on him but

 **wolf pupy** : then he remembered wonnie didnt want to see him so he just……….

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : this is when the theme song i wrote enters

 **baby honey** : song gunhee

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : sorry

 **loveliest bear** : how is hoseok

 **wolf pupy** : he called me and ofc i went 2 the bathroom bc thats more important than work

 **wolf pupy** : he sounded so fucking sad and kinda awkward………

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : but why is hyungwon crying

 **maknae** : maybe he mad bc hyung left him there?

 **baby honey** : sounds plausible

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : for someone who didn’t want to see hoseok hyung again he pretty affected by that rite

 **wolf pupy** : ikr????/ theres hope i can feel it yall know im a bit psychic

 **maknae** : gtg he here

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : who

 **baby honey** : that line enters the book of “last words said before dying”

 

 

Throwing his phone on the other side of the couch, Changkyun got up to meet his boyfriend in their kitchen. The man seemed devastated; he didn’t know how he was standing on his feet, to be honest. His heart ached to see Kihyun like that.

“Babe.”

“Hmm.”

Without making eye contact, Kihyun continued to fill a glass of water and to put some cookies in a bowl.

“Is hyung… okay? I mean, like, physically.”

“Yeah.” Back still facing Changkyun, his shoulders dropped, releasing some tension. “It’s just a cut.”

“Okay.” A very awkward pause. “If you need something…”

Holding the glass and the container, the brown-haired made his way out of the kitchen.

“Can you wait here until Hyungwon falls asleep or you gotta go back to work already? I have to tell you something.”

 _Oh, boy_.

If Kihyun’s face was manifesting something, for sure was that what he had to say wasn’t very pleasant.

“Sure, I can wait.”

 

Changkyun heard the crack that his bedroom door made when it was opened, and almost dropped the laptop off his lap. He wasn’t scared, he didn’t have anything to be afraid, right? While recalling his entire life, to see if he had done something that possibly could’ve pissed off the older, his search was interrupted by the lack of time.

“Is he sleeping?”

Practically dropping dead in the couch, beside him, his boyfriend seemed exhausted. It was a mystery how he managed to get there by how drained he seemed to be, but there was something Kihyun couldn’t do if he really wanted? No.

“Yeah. Did you eat?”

Moving forward to close the space between them, Changkyun nodded.

“Did you?”

The older sighed. “No. I’m not hungry, to be honest.”

“So… You wanted to tell me something… What’s up? Are you going to finally ditch me for Park Seo Jeon?”

Snickering out of spite, his boyfriend closed his eyes for a bit.

“Gosh… I don’t even have the energy to hit you. No, Kyun. It’s… hard. Complicated. Something I didn’t want to do. This is really my last option.”

All the possible bad scenarios ran through his mind quicker than the speed of light.

“You’re scaring me. What… is it?”

Changkyun expected a lot of things. A terminal illness. An enlistment. The man didn’t love him anymore. Yep, that was how he was going to bite the dust.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.” Breaking down, Kihyun couldn’t even finish his sentence. A river of tears poured from his boyfriend’s eyes; now he was really scared to death. “Kyun…”

“Babe, what is it? Why are you crying? Please, tell me, I…”

Lifting his head to gaze at the maknae, the man had so much sorrow in his face that Changkyun’s chest hurt just from seeing that.

“I can’t do this alone, Kyun. I thought I did, but…”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hyungwon…”

“What?”

“I don’t know how to fix this, I tried everything… He is falling apart and I can’t do shit. We grew up together, he’s like my baby brother, he’s my responsibility, I…”

That entire thing was wrecking everybody. It had to be a way out of that shitstorm.

“How do you think he’s feeling?”

“He loves him, like always did. But-” Choking back a sob again, the older put his arms around the maknae’s neck. Changkyun never felt so useless in his entire life.

Dragging the other man’s arms off him, he held Kihyun’s face with both hands.

“Kihyun, babe. Look at me. What do you think about this whole thing?”

“I wanted things didn’t have changed. I wanted we all to be together, like we were. I wanted them to be together and happy by now. It feels wrong to be happy when he’s depressed like this. I just want… I want Hyungwon’s happiness.”

“I know.” As he raised a hand to wipe the tears off his boyfriend’s face, Kihyun leaned into his touch. “Look… I know you don’t like Hoseok hyung. I know you are angry that Hyungwon is hurting like this. But you trust me, right?”

The brown-haired didn’t move a single limb, but didn’t seem like he was about to snap his neck so, a victory. He took that silence was an encouragement.

“Hoseok hyung is… well, crazy about him. He was a fucking mess when he came back from Thailand. I don’t know… I don’t know why he did what he did, but he still loves Hyungwon hyung a lot. I’m not asking anything else, but could you at least try to talk with him without getting arrested for homicide?”

A heavy sigh. “Changkyun…”

“You said you can’t do this alone. Let me help you. Let the other hyungs help you. We care a lot about him too.”

After a brief silence, Kihyun spoke again, with an unreadable expression. That was the scariest thing of them all.

“Put me there.”

“What?”

“The groupchat you guys did to talk about them.”

His blood froze so fast he forgot how to breathe.

“Err… I’m… Just… Am I doomed?”

“No. You’re just stupid enough to leave your phone in the bedroom when you showering, and the notifications were bothering the shit out of me. I just saw the group’s name. Put me there before I regret it.”

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[13:35 pm]_

_Maknae added Kihyunnie_

**prodigy better than DOTS writer:** CHANGKYUN RATTED OUT OUR ASSES RUN DESTROY THE EVIDENCES GONE GIRL YOURSELVES

 **maknae** : tf u asked me to call him

 **Kihyunnie:** for the stupidity im guessing its gunhee

_Kihyunnie changed his nickname to: “not gonna kill yall yet”_

**honey bee** : what is happening should i hide

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : youre in the last place of the list of ppl ill kill dont worry

 **honey bee** : didn’t help

 **wolf pupy** : my bud born in same mnth as me my frined my role modelll

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : shut up minhyuk u must be the one that created this

 **wolf pupy** : shit

 **maknae** : can yall shut tf up for 10 sec

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : technically i was never here

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : but im weak for changkyun and idk what to do

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : still amazed that this relationship works

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : im assuming hoseok told u guys stuff bc u talking as fuck jeez the notifs……….. yall need to get a life

 **loveliest bear** : should i deny my involvement

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : hyung its too late

 **loveliest bear** : crap

 **wolf pupy** : we kno only what hoseok told us now spill why wonnie was cryin

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : im not here to snitch

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : hoseok left him there today bc he thinks thats what hyungwon wants

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : wait what

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : nope im not falling for this

 **wolf pupy** : my dear………. too late

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : sleep with one eye open lee minhyuk

 **maknae** : babe pls tell us we gotta have the full scenario u wanted help remember

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : ugh

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : first of all what the fuck is song gunhee’s nickname

 **baby honey** : he thinks he’s the writer of hyungwon and hoseok’s story don’t mind his insanity

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : my own lover stabbing me in the back

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : he was frightened i think. he just kept sobbing like a kid saying somethin like “what does he want” “why he did this”

 **wolf pupy** : OKAY THE W(ONSEOK) FILES ARE OFFICIALLY REOPENED

 **maknae** : wtf hyungwon was the one who told him to fuck off in thailand

 **loveliest bear** : yeah……….. what did he expect

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : IF I KNEW I WOULDNT BE HERE IDK HE JUST KEEPS CRYING WHEN H E TALKS ABT IT

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : last month when he got back he was like “he left me behind” and i said “thats what u wanted right” then he cried again

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : boy he been loving hoseok still

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : no shit sherlock

 **wolf pupy** : tHERES HOPE WE GONNA MAKE IT GUYS WE GONNA

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : idk minhyuk idek why am i here

 **maknae** : pls hyungs tell him to go talk w hoseok

 **wolf pupy** : are u gonna dismember him if yes dont go

 **baby honey** : pls dont murder hoseok give him 1 (one) chance

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : he might surprise u

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : idk………. if turtle DREAMS im here talkin abt him he gonna stab me w a fork he tried once before bc of dbsk

 **maknae** : dis friendship is the most violent ive seen

 **baby honey** : pls hyung ill do aegyo if i need to

 **loveliest bear** : LMAO that was a treat

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : oh no this is low jooheon

 **maknae** : thats why u the second person i love in the world heonnie

 **maknae** : got slapped never said a thing

 **wolf pupy** : in the name of our friendship kihyunnie :( i hate we fought back then when they broke up and we got awkward :( pls im not askin for much just talk w him :(

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : fuck he pulling the same age friend card

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : EJSUS CHRIST FINE I WILL GET OFF MY DICK

 **wolf pupy** : NO MURDERING LET HIM TALK

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : never said when im gonna it could be in 1h it could be 10 years from now

 **loveliest bear** : we just played ourselves

 **loveliest bear** : never thought i’d see the day minhyuk got scammed

 **baby honey** : LMAOOOOOOOO

 **wolf pupy** : ill come to ur house everyday and text u every minute til u go talk w him u can kill me but ill come back as a ghost to haunt u til u speak wih hoseok ill ruin ur seojoon poster

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : THE RESISTANCE STRIKES BACK

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : youre literally the worst person alive lee minhyuk

 **maknae** : so when u gonna

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : u reachin too much for someone beside me

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : FINE ILL GO SOMETIME THIS WEEK GO FUCK YOURSELVES

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : u telling us the day u going there

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : no im gonna batman the shit out of this

 **wolf pupy** : so u part of this squad now the wonseok squad™

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : i still hate hoseok and i told u im not here

 **baby honey** : you’re not leaving tho

 **wolf pupy** : bc he is a wonseok lover

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : im planning for them to outdo songsong and jisung/boyoung we gonna gay this country to the bone

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : i shouldve poisoned all of you when i had the chance

 

 

A lot of things made Hoseok question himself that week. After almost a month, he met the man he loved again and simply didn’t say anything. He felt like shit leaving the man in the street alone; his mind begged him to come back and take the younger in his arms, to check if he was hurt. But Hyungwon didn’t want to see him and what could he do? The younger was right in hating him, even though Hoseok’s love for him never vanished. Seeing, in person, how much the younger was suffering was unbearable. All because of what Hoseok chose to do; he couldn’t forget it even if he wanted to. It didn’t matter how shitty he felt all those weeks, everything felt more hopeless at every hour that passed and honestly, he didn’t know how he should live his life anymore; it didn’t help that everything in that city reminded him of Hyungwon. The streets they once walked together became a symbol of what he lost, of the one he couldn’t have anymore. The price paid for leaving, Hoseok didn’t forget.

It was hard to think of something he could do, one that didn’t hurt the Hyungwon even more. Some days, the prospect of not making attempts anymore, maybe, could be the best thing he could ever do for the raven-haired man. He was the needle perfuring Hyungwon’s skin everytime he got too close; what was left, besides the wounds that weren’t healing? The salt being poured on those cuts, his and Hyungwon’s, always came from Hoseok’s hands.

As the door of his office was almost being teared apart with the impact of a strong hand, his almost heart attack interrupted his unhappiness.

“Shin Hoseok.”

 _Oh shit_.

Honest to Christ, everytime he thought about how he was going to die, most sceneries involved Hyungwon’s best friend’s killing him, somehow.

In other words, Hoseok was pretty fucked.

Slamming the door behind him, Kihyun calmly walked towards one of the armchairs in front of his desk. Perhaps that was how a tiger’s prey felt before the attack.

“Well…” Clearing his throat, Hoseok was very perplexed. What was happening? Did the man wake up and decided to come to talk with him after almost 6 months, concluding his research about the best way to dismember a body? Kihyun seemed rather serene; that was more frightening that an open rage.

“Changkyun made me come here.”

Wednesday was a bad day for everything; could he buy some time before leaving this world for good?

“I see…”

It was very awkward to see each other after so long. Even more because of everything that happened; the brown-haired’s hatred for him was reasonable, he didn’t expect any less. All his relationships fell apart like stacked books at his touch. He hated himself, too.

Hoseok discovered that the younger shared one more trait with Hyungwon; both of them liked to stare at every single spot around them than at him.

“Jesus, this is uncomfortable. Will you try to convince me you’re not a piece of shit or not?”

“I was wondering if you came here to finally kill me.”

Angrily, Hyungwon’s best friend scoffed.

“As I said, Changkyun asked me to come here. If you don’t have anything to say, I’ll be leaving.”

Getting up as fastly as he arrived there, Kihyun walked towards the door he almost broke into pieces earlier.

“Kihyun, wait!” Standing up in the heat of the moment, it was hard to choose what to say. Again. “Please.”

Still glaring at him, the other man nodded.

“Fine.”

Hoseok sat back in his chair at the same time Kihyun went back to his seat; that weird feeling was still between them, though. They didn’t use to be like that, it was also another thing that shouldn’t have changed. His choices were a heavy weight to carry.

“I can’t tell you yet why I left.”

“Are you still doing this shit? Really, Hoseok?”

“Will you let me finish?” Kihyun’s silence allowed him to continue. “I love him. I love him and I don’t know what else to say to you, because you won’t believe me. I can say I didn’t want to leave, but I had to.” Jesus, he was so tired.  “Look, I want to tell you, but it’s not right not telling him first… he doesn’t want to see me. It’s gonna be… tough. Maybe worse than when we broke up. But I think you’ll understand me.”

Kihyun stood on a line between puzzled and annoyed. “What? Why?”

“Because you would’ve done the same, if you were in my shoes.”

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[05:21 pm]_

**wolf pupy** : YOO KIHYUN WHAT DID U DO

 **wolf pupy** : I KNOW U CAN READ ME YOU NASTY MICE

 **maknae** : WHAT

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : wtf do u want

 **wolf pupy** : HOSEOK WAS CRYIN ON THE PHONE WHAT DID U DO

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : nothing we just talked

 **wolf pupy** : thEN WhY HE WAS CRYIN DID U CURSE AT HIM TOO MUCH

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : crying is kind of his thing

 **wolf pupy** : i didnt understand shit he said wtf kihyun

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : i didnt make anyone cry we JUST TALKED

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : making people cry is your thing tho

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : fuck off we talked it was okay i guess im still hating him for now but he…………. idk if hes playing me but he seemed….. sad as fuck so idk what to think anymore

 **wolf pupy** : he is and he dont wanna hurt hyungwonnie anymore hes trying so hard and he texted me 10 sec ago sayin he was cryin bc he was happy to see u again hes a soft dumbass

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : im legally blind

 

 

Specks of sunlight chose especially his face to shine upon, which the only reason could be that someone in the heaven was being a dick to him. Rolling in bed to escape the sun, Hyungwon covered his head because fuck it, that’s why. Maybe that was a rescue, though; since he came across Hoseok again, the man didn’t fuck off of his mind for one single night. If he had buried himself alive in the Gobi Desert, he wouldn’t have to go through that.

Everything happened so fast that Hyungwon reflected if all of that hadn’t been a hallucination. Was the older the one that helped him to get rid of that stupid photographer? No, for sure, he was there, he was different in Hyungwon’s imagination. In his dreams, the man never abandoned him. In his dreams, Hoseok kissed him and said how much he loved him with a hand under his chin and another under his shirt; a shit ton of bullshit, Hyungwon knew, of course he did, but his brain seemed to be malfunctioning after all that time. How could he forget the feeling of thinking he was going to die of so much pain? He was better than this, no matter how many times his mind tried to trick him; it would take some time, but he was going to learn how to let go of the crimson-haired man.

A vibration noise on his bedside table made him grunt so loud that Hyungwon was sure his neighbours heard that.

Sticking an arm out of the covers, he grabbed his phone, sliding his finger from left to right without even seeing who it was. The person was going to get yelled at to learn a lesson.

_“Hyungwon? It’s me, Kang Jiho. Can you talk?”_

_Shit_. He forgot he had to drop by Jiho’s office to finish the horseshit paperwork. God, the bureaucracy seemed to love to follow him around.

“Yeah, yeah.” Pushing the comforter off of him, he sat up him bed to deal with that.

_“Sorry if I disturbed you. But… can we meet? We need to have a conversation.”_

Hyungwon hated when people said that. Nothing good ever came from “we need to have a conversation” in the entire history of mankind.

“Sure. Want me to go to your office?”

_“It’s better if we talk at your apartment. Is that okay?”_

_Fuck_. He would never get to go back to sleep after hearing that.

“No, no problem. I’ll wait for you.”

 

With fear flowing through his entire veins, Hyungwon thought about running away from his own house. Confrontations weren’t his thing; thank you very much, but he’d always pass when he could. Nothing personal, it’s just that those things always scared him to death, too much yelling always made him flinch. What in the goddamn world was coming to rain on his parade? Didn’t the universe have enough of making him miserable? Taking a shower and getting dressed was easier than have to wait 20 minutes until his lawyer arrived.

_Still have time to run away from that?_

He didn’t.

Jiho greeted him with a bow, and Hyungwon did the same as the man entered his house.

“Before you tell me anything…” Stopping on his way to the living room, he glanced at his lawyer. “Am I fucked?”

The older man laughed. His distress should’ve been very entertaining to everybody but him.

“No.”

The breath he was holding was finally released.

“Okay.”

“So, Hyungwon…” Pulling a thick folder out of his briefcase, the man started. Seemed very professional. “Mrs. Kunakorn is already taking care of the Royal and the money from the deal is already on your bank account. Legally, everything is in order, so you don’t have to worry.”

_Then why the fuck you are alarming me like this?_

“Hm… Sure. I wanted to ask you about the cases of mishandling of my family’s company. The Japan one and others.”

“Yes, I was going to mention it. As you asked, I did a research among the cases the Royal wasn’t formally convicted of anything, but the victims claim otherwise. In total, there’s 25 appeals against the the company. Linking the stories that escaped through the press and the few records I was able to to find, I’m pretty sure they’re all legit.”

He wished his parents were still alive so he could ask in which level of fuckery they were in.

“How many… How many people?”

“278 passed away, 34 got permanent physical injuries.”

“Jesus…” He’d rather die than to get near any Chaebol thing ever again. “Look, will you still be able to handle my stuff even now that you don’t work for me?”

“Yes. I consulted with Mrs. Kunakorn and she said it wasn’t a problem.”

“Good. Because I’ll need someone to use my money to, I don’t know, donate that to the families of the victims, without exposing my name. Don’t say anything to Daran Kunakorn too.”

Kang Jiho seemed like he didn’t believe in what he was saying.

“Are you going to… use your entire fortune?”

“Is that what is going to take? Sure. This money is my parents’ money, so it’s not a very virtuous money. If I can do something to diminish the damage they did, I have to.”

After a pause, probably to let that sink in, his lawyer nodded.

“You know that maybe it will require a huge amount of your money, right? Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Get it ready. Please, make it an anonymous thing. I don’t need the media pestering me again.”

Silently complying, the man put the folder back in his briefcast. However, the fact that he took another folder out of that, not so large, indicated that he wasn’t finished.

“The last thing we have to discuss is… well, what brought me here so early.”

The shiver that went down his spine could’ve made him faint. He got his shit together in time, luckily for his dignity.

“What?”

“It’s about your mother’s fortune. Well, now yours. It is included in your inheritance and I don’t know if you remember, but I mentioned in our first meetings that I wasn’t able to get an information because it was related to a foreign bank. Well, after taking a while to be confirm with the bank that you are her only heir and that I’m your representant, they sent me the records of her financial transactions. As I said before, she had quite an… interesting routine.”

“I don’t get it.”

“For about 5 months, a couple of years ago, your mother hired the services of a private investigator.”

“Wait, what? For what?”

Even from the grave, his mother still managed to make his life harder.

“I wasn’t able to obtain the files. They will only hand it for you in person, because of terms of confidentiality your mother signed. You’ll have to go to Gwangju, if you want to know what’s that about.”

 

 

The summer was only around the corner, but it was already roasting Hoseok alive in his own house. Life always seemed to have a bad timing, but resting on his couch, with his head almost inside the fan, wasn’t like he planned to spend his Sunday night. Under him, his phone was being assaulted by Minhyuk’s texts; the heat wore him out so bad that it was hard to move, so silent mode it was. Even though that could make the younger man to knock on his door to check if he wasn’t dying, or worse. It happened a lot of times in the past weeks; Hoseok would never know how the hell his best friend always managed to show up, out of nowhere, just when he needed him the most.

Some entity must’ve heard his complaints; the entire day had been a never ending sauna, so it was only right for it to start to rain. The water drops hitting the window in front of him drew their own sketches, one on top of the other. Always behind the rain, the wrath of the thunderstorms didn’t take too long to follow it. Which almost made Hoseok jumped off of his sofa, at least 4 times. Everything comes with a price.

In his childhood, he loved the petrichor that, ruthless against the dry land, reigned over his entire house. With that came the memories of the times he convinced his sisters to take a rainwater bath with him; a competition to see who could run around the backyard without tumbling down on the soaked grass. His mother would get angry after that, of course, but it was worthy. When Hoseok got that close to the rain, sharing the same space and learning how to fall, he felt like he became a part of it. The water hit hard on the ground, but didn’t lose it’s greatness.

In the process of colling down, logically, the weather forced the man to get up and grab a comforter, unless he wanted to freeze. It was always a funny thing that it was hard for him to think of the cold days as something unbearable, even in the worst days of winter; from time to time, he concluded it was a gift for seeking the the crying skies. They embraced him like a cozy blanket before falling asleep, he was never alone. There was an understanding in that feeling that made him feel warm, always.  

On his way back to the couch, an impatient banging on his door almost made him fell off in fright. He really needed to stop being such a wimp.

“I’m coming, calm down or just kick the door down alrea-”

Maybe it was him who brought the rain on his way there, Hoseok thought, later. Freezing wasn’t something he was proud of doing when it came to those situations, but his body could never choose a proper action, endorsing his idiocy to the world.

The man was soaked, from head to toe; perharps only his crossbody bag got to protect something inside. Hoseok still couldn’t move a finger.

“Hyun-”

The familiar face of a fuming Hyungwon made an appearance.

“Who the fuck are you? What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?”

“I don’t know what you’re-”

Pulling a big envelop out of his bag, the younger opened it quickly and continued.

“Who…”

Hastily shoving a paper on Hoseok’s chest, the younger took a step forward with all the strength he had.

“are…”

More pictures shoved on him; he knew them well.

“YOU!”

After being pushed back inside his house for the third time, the entire envelop in the younger’s hand was thrown at his face; evidences of his crimes covered his living room’s floor, alongside the other man.

Their younger selves ran faster through memories in the photos; Hyungwon and him walking down a street, Hyungwon sitting with his head on Hoseok’s shoulder — in a bench at college, Hyungwon smiling at him, Hyungwon and him holding hands. In that carpet of bittersweet moments between them also stood a lot of pictures Hoseok hadn’t seen before; Hyungwon alone in a lot of them.

“Hyungwon…”

“TELL ME! TELL ME WHAT IS THIS!” His bangs, glued with sweat in his forehead, almost covered the taller’s eyes, but the despair in them cut through Hoseok like a knife. “I’m not leaving without an answer. You can’t keep doing this to me, you can’t-”

“You’re wet, first let me-”

“I DON’T CARE! TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!” Turning his eyes to the floor to choke back a sob, his dreary voice beseeched. “ _Please_ , _please_ _Hoseok_...”

If that was the last page of their book, he didn’t want for things to end this bad. But life wasn’t making it any easy for him; there was nothing he could do about that house of cards tumbling down. His heart had to break the raven-haired’s one, once again.

Tears rolling down his face, Hyungwon picked up one of the photos in front of him, hand crashing against the older’s chest again.

“I don’t- You. My mother. You met her?”

In the picture Hyungwon held, there was him, 2 years ago. Entering a car. Hyungwon’s mother car.

“Yes.”

“WHY? WHAT IS IT?”

“Will you listen to me? It’s… complicated.”

The taller man chuckled, rubbing his forearm against his face to wipe off the tears.

“Complicated? What the fuck is going on? Why you… Did you know my mother had someone tailing me for 5 FUCKING MONTHS?”

He never felt so ashamed in all his 26 years of life.

“Yes.”

The brief silence that came after his answer was a small void inside the planet Earth; all that hurting changed them into foreigners inside themselves. Hyungwon unveiled a vigilant, confused mien. 

“What… How… What my mother-”

In Hoseok’s thoughts, in the moment that was currently happening, he knew exactly how to explain things in the least disastrous way, but he forgot to add to the count the strong invisible hand, full of claws, that always clutched his heart before allowing him to speak.

“She… She found out. About… us.”

On the water that dripped off his lean body, a puddle created at the younger’s feet, he could see the beginning of the Hyungwon’s downfall on the reflection of his shaking hands.

_I’m sorry, Hyungwon. I love you. I love you. I love you._

“Kwon Joonho.”

His eyebrows twitched into a frown. “What?”

He didn’t want to keep talking, but Hoseok didn’t have the luxury to go insane.

“The guy who recognized you in college, the day we met and you were panicking. We passed near him once and you told me that.”

“And?”

“He told your mother about us.” Hyungwon opened his mouth to speak, but the crimson-haired was faster. “Yes, we weren’t dating most of that time, but the entire university but us assumed we were.”

“How did he…”

“At some party, I don’t know the details. 5 months before Christmas, they met and he mentioned us.” He indicated with his head about the picture in his hand. “This was the day I knew about that.”

That sight was destroying him; he wanted to stop, but for all to be known without him having to voice it.

“What did… What my mother wanted? Let me guess, she wasn’t fond of me dating a man.”

_Forgive me, I love you._

“Maybe it’s better if I don’t tell you the details so you-”

“Tell me. Everything. You owe me this.”

One thing Hoseok forgot to consider about that confrontantion was his own agony that made it very hard to think. He just wanted the man he loved to be a bit better after that, nothing else. But first…

“You’re like me, Hyungwon.”

The stiffening spreading through the younger’s body was clear as day.

“What?”

“You’re not… You are… Jesus, I shouldn’t be the one telling you this.”

“SAY IT!”

Closing his eyes to avoid the harm, Hoseok’s wide lips were the slaughterer.

“You… were adopted, like me, Hyungwon. Your mother said she’d disown you and openly say that you weren’t related to them, among other shit they would create… because you’re not… biologically related, and you weren’t what they expected. Because… well, you were dating me. Your mother told me she never could have kids, but no one knew so they adopted you in secret, I think. Some people knew who you are, so she couldn’t… she didn’t want-”

All the floors that, together, molded the world, disappeared beneath Hyungwon’s feet; the fall wasn’t over.

“You’re lying.” It was hard to distinguish between the rainwater and his tears. “Tell the truth, tell me what is this, tell me… Why are you doing this to me?”

The shock of finally losing everything, once and for all, kept Hoseok going.

“After meeting that guy, your parents started tracking you, to confirm it. There was a photo of us… kissing, in front of our dorm building. She gave me options, that day, in the car. If I didn’t break up with you, she would… do that. Say to everybody… about this. I didn’t want you to feel unloved… You’d lose your name, your anonymity, everything it was-”

Staring at Hyungwon’s face felt worse than burning to the ground. The younger was a shore being hit by a tsunami over and over again; big brown eyes drowning the rest of himself.

“So…” Snickering, he took one step forward. “All of this was because they hated me and because you didn’t like me enough to handle this kind of shit, MY SHIT.”

“This is not true, Hyungwon. I always loved you, I didn’t want-”

“IS THAT WHAT YOU DO TO PEOPLE YOU LOVE? ABANDON THEM BECAUSE OF SOME CRAP WE COULD’VE DEALT WITH? IS LOVE LIKE THAT TO YOU, ASSHOLE?”

His chest couldn’t hold back anymore; Hoseok just didn’t fell on the floor crying because he wasn’t entitled to.

There was something different about his ex-boyfriend. As if someone else entered his body and erased his entire old self. He looked at him, but the face he got used to read so plainly was, now, a foreign soil. No one said anything for a while, suffocating in that tension; the rain outside continued to be relentless, just like the tears both of them shed.

“Why…” The younger broke into a deeper sob, but kept going. “Why didn’t you tell me? Back then, why?”

“What did you wanted me to do, Hyungwon? To watch you break down because I was selfish enough to not let go of you? The repercussion could get you kicked out of college, you know how homophobic these places are. Or worse, your parents were a big deal, you know that. I didn’t tell you because if I did, I wouldn’t make it. You would look at me and tell me we could get through that, that it didn’t matter. I’d say yes, to everything. I didn’t have the courage of even saying goodbye in person.”

“You’re fucking unbelievable, Hoseok.” Here comes the anger again. “Don’t say that you did this shit for me, stop making a fool out of me just for one fucking time. I protected myself my entire life, did you really think I’m that weak?”

“You’re not weak, never were. It would be because of me, Hyungwon. I was powerless and I couldn’t find another way, and I only thought of you, your future. That’s how my love works, I will always protect you first. You hid it well, but I saw the hard time you were having back then, should I have pushed you down the hill already? I tried… I tried to help you as much I could, anyway I learned to-”

“DON’T FUCKING ANALYSE ME.” It was becoming hard for him to cry and speak at the same time. “YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE RIGHT. YOU DIDN’T.”

“I made a choice. I have to live with that. Looking at me everyday would be seeing the person who wrecked your life. I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you, I left because you suffered enough.”

“BREAKING MY HEART DIDN’T HELP! THAT WASN’T ONLY YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE. You don’t get to decide my life for me, you don’t get to say what I can handle or not. I survived when I thought I wasn’t going to, I would’ve-”

“You weren’t going to be the Chaebol heir that was outed to the world, Hyungwon. You’d be the bad foster son of a house that deserved better than you. Do you think I would’ve handled well the guilty of causing that, of making you go through that? I thought it was the best for you, considering the-”

“I TOLD YOU TO NOT FUCKING ANALYSE ME. I’M NOT YOUR PATIENT, I WAS…” The younger’s body couldn’t deal with all of that anymore; his knees hit the floor, over the pictures that ruined their relationship. “I wouldn’t care… I loved you so much… I wouldn’t care.”

“I couldn’t win. I didn’t win anything, I only lost you. I had to break your heart. If I hadn’t left Korea, I wouldn’t last a day before coming back to you. I wanted to, so many times-”

Raising his head to look at him, there wasn’t a single part of Hyungwon that didn’t tremble.

“You and my parents are the same. You both chose me and tossed me aside when it got too hard. What… What did I do so wrong? Why my parents hated me so much? Why I was born if no one wanted me?”

“That’s not true, it’s not your fault. Hyungwon, it wasn’t your fault. It was my choice, and your parents that didn’t deserve you. I would’ve have suffered alone if I could… but I couldn’t.”

“I thought I was going to die, do you know that? One day you were there… And then… gone. I felt like… dying, I wanted to die. I-” His arms gave up on trying to make him stand up. “What is so wrong with me that everybody wants to ruin me?”

“Stop, you’re not-”

Hoseok had seen that scene before, a few times. But in that moment, the air bolted so rapid out of the man’s lungs that it took less than a minute for Hyungwon to collapse. The distance between then was meaningless now.

“Hyungwon! Hyungwon, wake up! Please, Hyungwon!”

Pale was a very generous adjective to describe the man in his arms. It looked like he was deprived of everything a person needed to survive, and in a certain way, he was.  Hoseok truly wanted to have felt all that pain alone, the universe should’ve spared the younger.

He felt the same way he did when he found Hyungwon passed out in his bathroom, back in college. Wrapping his hand around the raven-haired’s wrist, he felt how low his pulse rate was; the wet clothes and his emotional breakdown didn’t help.

That wasn’t the time to panic, to freeze. Rubbing his face with a hand, he settled the other one around Hyungwon’s waist to lift his body. As Hoseok laid him down on the couch, he tried again.

“Hyungwon… Please. Please, come back. Come back. Please. Don’t leave me now.”

Nothing.

His brain decided he hadn’t time to waste, so he reached out for his phone on the other end of the sofa, dialing his friend’s number. He answered quickly.

_“Hoseok hyung?”_

“Changkyun, put Kihyun on the phone.”

_“What? Wait!”_

“NOW!”

_“It’s Kihyun, what do you want?”_

“Please… come here, now, Hyungwon-” _Not the time to cry again, get yourself together._ “I told him. He blacked out and he isn’t… I don’t know-”

_“I’ll be there in 10, bring him downstairs when I call you again. I’m hanging up.”_

 

 

_“Please, lemme get up to go to class. You’re dooming my academic life.”_

_Hyungwon snorted. That man’s dramatic ass could earn him a Daesang if he invested on it. Without opening his eyes, he replied._

_“You do know that you’re stronger than me, right? You’re made of muscles.”_

_“Yeah, but you’re a pest, you could beat a Bulgae if you wanted to.”_

_Tightning the hold on the older’s arm, he pulled himself up to bury his face on his boyfriend’s hair._

_“And I’m better than the class you’re bullshitting your way through.”_

_Flipping the younger on his back in his bed — God knows where Gunhee was, but thanks for fucking off — Hoseok struck back._

_“YAH! I won’t tolerate this slander.”_

_“Then do something about it.”_

_He started giggling when the older’s mouth attacked his neck, not lasting long until he let out a needy moan._

_“Hoseok…”_

 

“Hoseok…”

Drawing a sharp breath in, his eyes widened and were attacked by the white lightning over his head. A stingy cough echoed through his ears, result of his painful attempts of gasping for more air. His body was so heavy that Hyungwon considered that maybe a truck ran over him.

“Hyung, he woke up!”

He wasn’t dead, for sure. Once he stopped breathing, if the universe was righteous, he would never hear those idiots’ voices again.

“Hyungwon! Hyungwon!” That damn hamster almost jumped on top of him. _Jesus Christ, send help_. “It’s me, Kihyun! Are you okay?”

Hyungwon blinked until his vision went back to normal; the large lamp on the roof still shined over him, though.

“Shut up, for fuck’s sake. Help me sit up.”

Pushing himself up in bed with the help of his best friend and his boyfriend, Hyungwon took a deep breath.

“Yah! I’m still older than you, dumbass. You scared me to death.”

“Where the hell…”

The I.V. stuck inside his his forearm was very enlightening.

“You were barely breathing, hyung.” Changkyun sit on the end of his hospital bed. “You passed out and wasn’t waking up so…”

Hyungwon chuckled. “So Kihyun freaked out and brought me to the nearest hospital.”

A nod from the youngest.

“Hoseok was the one who called me. Hyungwon…”

The recalling hit him like a baseball ball being thrown at his face.

“I’m a bastard.”

The boys exchanged a confused look. Kihyun broke the short silence.

“What?”

“Literally. I was adopted.”

His best friend was quite baffled. “What? How the hell-”

Saying that hurt more than it should. His face felt really dry from all the crying; he convinced himself of using that as an excuse to not face his friends.

“My mother found out we were dating and told him to break up with me or else she’d disown me and say to everybody I wasn’t their actual child and well, gay.”

Not a single sound inside the curtains around his bed was heard for seconds that passed slower that the normal. Kihyun’s face dropped and he had that look that indicated he didn’t know what the fuck he should do next, and Changkyun sat there with his mouth agape.

He couldn’t quite explain the peculiar feeling he was having. As if Hyungwon already had felt all the emotions known by humanity; there wasn’t anything else he could experiment, so he was numb for life. What was the protocol for discovering the reason why your parents treated you like shit? No, perhaps they’d treat him like they did even if they were his biologic parents. Who wouldn’t, right? Hyungwon was the fucking problem, all along.

His sins must’ve been following him through all his lives. Did he pay enough this time?

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[01:22 am]_

**loveliest bear** : does anyone knows where minhyuk is

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : nope

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : he isn’t home?

 **loveliest bear** : he called 3h ago saying he was coming home and doesn’t pick up now im worried

 **wolf pupy** : sorry my love

 **loveliest bear** : WHERE ARE YOU ARE YOU OKAY

 **wolf pupy** : yea yea im at hoseoks

 **wolf pupy** : shit went down

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : wHAT

 **wolf pupy** : hyungwon found out and hyung was a mess when i got there

 **loveliest bear** : for real???

 **wolf pupy** : yea. he fell asleep 30 min ago ill spend the night here just in case

 **wolf pupy** : dw @loveliestbear <3

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : are u really not gonna tell us why hoseok left

 **baby honey** : i woke up just for this pls

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : wait hows hyungwon

 **wolf pupy** : idk wonnie fainted and he called @notgonnakillyallyet and he took him to the hospital i guess

 **baby honey** : jesus christ

 **maknae** : we got home now hyungwon is w us

 **maknae** : he tired but he fine i guess

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED IM GONNA SCREAM

 **wolf pupy** : wonnies mom tailed him for lots of months and found out they were datin back in 2017 and told hyung to break up w wonnie and if he didnt she was goin to disown wonnie and tell everybody wonnie aint her biological son and also hella gay

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : Holy. Motherfucking. Shit.

 **baby honey** : WHO ON EARTH DOES THAT TO THEIR KID

 **baby honey** : HYUNGWON IS AN AMAZING PERSON WHY HIS PARENTS WERE A PIECE OF SHIT TO HIM

 **maknae** : yea same kihyun is this _ close to lose his shit

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : jooheon went 2 the bathroom to scream i never saw him so angry in my life

 **loveliest bear** : honestly i want to punch something

 **loveliest bear** : we just gotta support them for now

 **not gonna kill yall yet** : im searching incantations online to revive dead people so i can break their necks with my own hand.

 **loveliest bear** : i know i said i’d never help you to carry a corpse but im willing to make an exception

 

 

Here’s how to survive a heartbreak: occupy yourself with everything in your power. Clean all the rooms in your house, read all the books you’ve been procrastinating to, visit the places you’ve always wanted even if it’s hard to get off the bed. Walk down the streets and give a fake smile to yourself; the city lights never were so beautiful before, you get used to believe. Nights get cold and the moon embraces the sun, such a glowing offender, and even if you want to spend the entire time crying, sleep anyway. You’ll discover that all the days are pretty much the same; your friends’ faces, the stupid excuses you give to not leave your apartment, overthinking about your future. Your future without him, because that’s your truth. You offer your heart and you hit the ground all by yourself. The gap inbetween birth and death that you planned to live with him now only exists in your dreams, you’ll keep dreaming of him for a very long time, write that down.

He says that he loves you and you say it back, you love him, with all your heart. But why would he? You’re just a broken doll that never learned that happiness was only a myth to your insignificant ass, not much different from the ones in the old tales we grew up listening. Don’t worry, open Netflix and watch a movie that reminds you of the people who stabbed you in the chest. Why? Because you need a trigger. Let all those tears out and dream of not loving him, of not feeling like shit when you think about your life so far. Self-loathing won’t do shit, but who says it should? It’s the route, you see. As much as it hurts like hell, a part of you always speaks louder when it reminds you of your short joy. Build a house around those memories, stay with him; there, he’ll never leave you. There, the wounds they left on you, throughout your existence, don’t ache so bad it’s hard for you to stop thinking about wanting to die.

The daily war is relentless, my dear. Get yourself out of the battlefield and go home, go home and appreciate the fact you have people waiting for you. Not him, but you always can travel through that fantasy when your body misses him.

It’s a love you can’t handle on your own.

 

Confirming everything that Hoseok said — he found the adoption papers back in Gwangju — didn’t make things easier. For the first time, he wished his parents were alive so he could ask why he didn’t deserve to be treated well, like most of children in the world. No, he’d ask why they picked him, first of all. A thousand of other kids had the same odds as him, and yet, he was chosen; any other person would’ve been a better son or daughter than he was. Was it really so wrong to love someone from the same sex as you? Why did that matter more than all the other things about himself? His sexuality wasn’t what characterized him completely, so why they didn’t love him?

Hyungwon would never know. Some days, he filled himself with rage and yelled at the dust his parents went back to; he wanted to find an answer, even if he had to invent one. Most of the time, Hyungwon tried to care. He practically forced himself to; his body was too tired of that shit. Even knowing who to blame for everything that happened didn’t make things easier. Yes, the villains were already defeated, but there wasn’t a happily ever after.

Thinking about that always led him to remember Hoseok saying he was like him. Adopted. Hyungwon wasn’t. The older man was take in by a loving and good family, who raised him like a child should be raised; Hoseok wasn’t haunted by his failure as a human being. What could the world say to him? Hyungwon wasn’t lucky enough, so he’d try again, one day he’d get there. Maybe in his next life, once he suffered enough in that one to earn a decent existence.

Knowing why his ex did what he did couldn’t erase all the shit he went through, but he felt a bit more at peace; it seems like that closure shit is really a real thing, who would’ve guessed? Oblivion wasn’t a better fate.

Sometimes, it was impossible to not think about the “what ifs”.

 

“Yah, Chae Hyungwon.”

Minhyuk probably called him 50th times before he got out of his musings. The older man and his boyfriend looked at him the same way all of them did; they searched for Hyungwon’s time to open up the Pandora box. They all knew what happened, of course, but no one but Kihyun said a word about it. He was grateful for that space, truly; not being pressured by anyone but his therapist was one less burden on his back. Some words were, still, unsayable.

“Hmm?”

“We were asking if you’re coming to Jooheon’s birthday party. It’s tomorrow, at his place.”

Right. The months passed faster than he could keep up; it was already October.

He never saw Hoseok again, after that night.

“Sure. I bought a present for him, anyway.”

 

When together, Jooheon, Minhyuk and Gunhee were the loudest people alive. He loved them to death, but it was very arduous to not have a migraine around them, sometimes. It got better when he was full of food, though. Something he wasn’t at that moment, because Hyunwoo and Kihyun hadn’t got at the party yet.

“Yah, Changkyun. Text that rotten mice, I’m hungry.”

Pausing his chat with his hyungs, he turned around to face the raven-haired.

“He sent a message 30 seconds ago, they’re on the elevator, you can chill.”

“Ugh.”

From the door unlocking, Hyunwoo’s voice. “We’re here, you can stop complaining, Hyungwon.”

The raven-haired snorted. “I shall never, not until I complained about every single thing in the world.”

“Shut the fuck up and help me with the food, reptile.”

Groaning as he got off the sofa, Hyungwon trailed behind his best friend. From the kitchen, he still could hear the mayhem, but what interested him was when they toned their voices down. They never did, unless…

His friends didn’t mention Hoseok, not even once. There was an unspeakable agreement between all of them, even though Hyungwon didn’t actually forced them to. After knowing what really happened, that feeling of betrayal still didn’t left his heart, but he wasn’t forcing himself to hate his ex anymore. It simply wouldn’t do Hyungwon any good, so why to live like that? The feeble nails that inhabited his chest were leaving, one by one; a lot of them counterattacked, but at least he could breath better through the days. It felt weird, remembering that Hoseok still existed in the same city as him.

“That’s so cool! Who gave you this present, honey?” A question from Gunhee.

“Oh, this cool watch that makes me feel like a proper adult? It was Hoseok hyun-”

He could feel his friends’ eyes on him, including Kihyun’s, on his right side. He just kept staring at the plates in his hand.

The maknae broke the quietness, kind of whispering. “He isn’t coming, is he?”

His hold on the ceramics got stronger.

“No.” Minhyuk was the one who answered. “Don’t worry, it’s fine.”

“Yeah.” Jooheon agreed, also in a low voice. “He passed by this morning to give me the present. Said he was too busy, and he’d make it up to me later.”

“It’s a goddamn Saturday night.” Gunhee, intense as always, spoke in a stressed murmur. “And he’s a psychologist, even his patients are taking shots right now.”

His boyfriend’s time to intervene. “Gunhee. Leave it.”

Hyungwon counted the seconds it’d take for his best friend ask him something. Around 20, if you’re interested.

“Hey… Are you okay?”

His heart almost broke apart. “Yes, I’m fine. Let’s start this so I can eat.”

                                    

 

Comparing their hardships was a very common thing for people to do. Sometimes, they don’t even realize they’re making the other person feel like shit, because the other person didn’t suffer “enough” to be making such fuss out of it. Being treated like this, they learn how to always remember that their pain is nothing equated to others in worse situations; they shouldn’t complain, they _had it easy_. Abuse survivors, most of the time, tend to wonder if said abuse actually happen; maybe they misunderstood something or that they probably deserved what happened to them. In general, it takes them a long time to realize that no one deserves to be hurt, in any form of it. A huge amount of people spends their entire lives without achieving it, if they don’t open up to someone. The problem is when someone approaches someone like them, they keep asking about what is holding them back; how they endured it all is important, but it’s not what makes them struggle. The things that still were inside them were their ghosts; the sudden fear when someone raises their voice, the constant need to be sure they’re doing the right thing because doing the wrong things was never pleasant, not feeling safe in most of places they visit or with most of people. All those things, and more, tend to create the false idea that they’re broken, or that they lack something. They don’t. People who were abused at some point of their live are full human beings like everyone else; they just went through things they should’ve been protected from, and that’s not their fault. Every step of their existence is overanalyzed because of the terror, one of the coping mechanisms and situations they put themselves in to get through the day. Thinking about themselves as people that weren’t at fault it was a difficult concept for most of them to grasp, if Hoseok learned something in all that time.  

A few of his patients fought against that idea, which is a normal thing when someone was poking your injuries. The choices they made revolve around the idea of defending themselves, of building large fortifications to avoid being hurt again was what mattered; the structure of the world they know is very different from everybody else’s. Helping them to learn that they can live, and not only survive, was what he intended to do as a human being and as a psychologist. What they went through is a part of them that they can’t erase, but seeing it under a new perspective could help. It’s a very unique and intimate journey, and believing in them when they’re not trusting themselves, proved to be a vital thing to start well.

If Hoseok said a couple of patients didn’t remind him of Hyungwon, he’d be lying. He knew the younger was doing therapy, and he sincerely wished things were getting easier to deal for him; never once Hyungwon left his thoughts, not a single day. If Hyungwon were living a good life, he’d be okay too.

Almost 4 months after that night, Hoseok was trying to live more peacefully with his own demons. Even though his heart refused to accept the permanent loss, he tried to feel less like a pile of crap, all the time; he still thought he didn’t deserve much, but the breaks he got from his own mind got more frequent; he was learning to allow himself to have that. Hoseok was teaching himself to see his memories as beautiful events, despite the calamity. They remained concrete, framed in a piece of time that would be there even after he died. Hyungwon was beautiful, the weather was always good when he was around; why should he be sad for the opportunity of briefly sharing a life with him?

When it was late night and he couldn’t sleep, he always prayed for Hyungwon to be okay, one day. That, a certain day, he could wake up and notice he was feeling a bit happy again. As much as it hurt to picture the man he loved — the man he, probably, would love forever — with someone else, Hoseok would be okay if that completed Hyungwon’s life. The love he fought hard to keep inside himself was enough for now, maybe for his entire life. He hoped, more than anything, that despite the damages, the raven-haired could be at peace. It’d be enough just to know that.

 

 

“Yah, all the other hyungs are coming to celebrate with us, right?”

Hyungwon only caught the last words of that sentence. Streching himself in Kihyun’s couch, he got up to meet the others in the couple’s room. Minhyuk, Kihyun and Changkyun occupied the bed in the middle of it.

“Celebrate what?”

“Turtle, I told you earlier. Changkyun’s songs were sold to a big idol group, remember?”

He didn’t. “Oh… sure, I do. When is that… thing?”

Minhyuk beamed from the other side of the bed, cross-legged. “Tonight!”

_Shit._

“Come on, Hyungwon.” Kihyun gave him those stares that usually meant stop-being-a-little-whinny-bitch. “Everybody is coming, you can spend an hour there before going home.”

“UGH, FINE!”

_Everybody is coming._

He knew that Hoseok wasn’t going to appear; the man never did. Hearing the few mentions his friends made about him “not being able to make it” or “being busy” or “just not in the mood” became a very common thing. Hyungwon didn’t know if he cared, but his friends also were the older’s friends, and he wasn’t going to be an asshole about it for his entire life. Maybe. It wasn’t like he couldn’t handle the crimson-haired’s presence.

Making his way towards the hallway, he craned his head towards his friends before going back to the couch.

“You can invite him if you want. I don’t mind.”

 

 

It wasn’t much of a surprise, but Hoseok showed up, that time. His hair was a bit redder than the last time he saw the man — which didn’t count much, since Hyungwon tried to forget that night ever existed. He looked well, the younger concluded.

Deciding to live as his foster parents’ child was his biggest fuck you to the deceased couple, whom he hoped they were being hit by hell flames. He was grateful for having received a good education, food, clothes and the basics someone needed to survive in this world; but that was it. Coercing himself to feel something about them, even sorrow because they were gone, would be a step back in his recovery. He didn’t owe forgiveness.

The restaurant they were eating at was very warm, at least. It’s not like he hated the place, but he played himself when he thought he could be at ease with Hoseok around. The man sat on the other side of the table, back facing the other tables behind them, not even glancing at Hyungwon. Still kind of uncomfortable, but it was a start.

Minhyuk was talking about something he shamefully wasn’t paying attention — at least Kihyun and Hyunwoo, beside him, seemed very interested — when it happened.

He stopped breathing for a millisecond when he heard his laugh.

Gunhee was gesturing like crazy about some story he was telling, and Hoseok’s eyes crinkled so much it were almost fully shut.

It wasn’t right for his stomach to boil all that joy inside him.

Half hour later, after Hyungwon came back from the restroom — drunk people pee a lot, so it was crowded — his friends were laughing about something he missed. And his ex was gone. Not that Hyungwon cared, of course.

 

It kind of became Hoseok’s modus operandi. When they hung out together — at a pub, at a coffee shop, at a one of the boys’ apartment, etc — he always left no more than an hour later; most of the time Hyungwon didn’t even noticed when the man made his exit. It was better that way, he told himself.

If his friends could comprehend the puzzle in his face, they never mentioned it. Hoseok and Hyungwon never exchanged more than a trivial bow, so it should be very hard to think that, somehow, he was annoyed by the man’s habit. Because he wasn’t, it was better like that. In any case, he felt less like a prick by priving the boys from the presence of someone they liked; the necessity for them to whisper topics they didn’t want Hyungwon to hear, to not hurt him, lessened a lot. If they were happy, he didn’t mind. They cherished their friendship with his ex and he couldn’t do anything about it. Except for Kihyun, who still claimed he hated Hoseok, but it was bullshit.

That night, they gathered at the coffee shop they used to go when they were in college; it was quite distant from their homes now, so it was rare for them to go there, those days. The place didn’t change not even a bit, and he tried very hard to push the memories back to the bottom of his mind.

“What’s with your face?”

Craning his head towards Kihyun’s voice, he snapped out of his little reverie.

“What do you mean? It’s the same.”

Eyeing Hoseok, on the other side of the two tables they put together, the older scoffed.

“Are you bothered?”

 _Kinda._ “No, why?”

“You were staring at him for a solid minute. With that face, the what-the-fuck-am-i-doing face.”

_Fuck._

“I’m fine. I’ll get a sandwich, do you want something?”

Kihyun raised an eyebrow, but let it pass. “No.”

The first week of November was a very cold one. Hyungwon left the house with the thickest coat he had, and yet he shivered the entire way to the shop. Some employees even recognized them, after all that time. He deduced, later, that they probably saw his face a lot on the media.

Hyungwon was replaced by a shit ton of scandals, which he was very grateful that took his spotlight; he didn’t even remember the last time someone followed him around with a camera, or tried to ask for a statement from him. Sometimes, watching TV and seeing people minding too much of someone’s life, he thought about how futile those things were. It was nice being ordinary.

Sauntering back to his chair, he was able to glance at fast brown coat opening the door to leave, into the gelid night.

It was previously stated, to his friends and to himself, that he wasn’t uncomfortable, that he wasn’t angry about his ex’s presence. Hyungwon wasn’t angry, and that wasn’t the reason he dropped the sandwich he bought on table his friends shared, earning a glance from Kihyun that he chose to ignore, for a while. Everything was perfectly fine, even when he heard himself slamming the coffee shop’s door.

“What are you doing?”

The words escaped his mouth before he could restore his sanity.

Hoseok stopped on his tracks when he heard the raven-haired’s voice. God, the wind was fucking icy.

The man took his time turning around, but he did.

“I’m going home.”

Well, Hyungwon was already there, so he might as well use that moment to say what had been stuck on his throat for months.

“No, I’m asking what are you doing everytime all of us get together. Am I that intolerable to be around?”

The blueish light from a lamp, in front of the coffee shop, made the older’s hair seem almost purple. Hoseok tilted his head, as if he was having a hard time to figure out.

“It’s the contrary.”

Not what he anticipated to hear. “So what?”

“I want you to have a good time, and it seems kinda hard when I’m around for too long. I don’t mind.”

_Calm the fuck down, stomach._

“It’s not like that, I’m not. It’s fine, I don’t mind.”

Stuffing his hand on his coat’s pocket, Hoseok nodded.

“You should go back inside, it’s very cold.”

The man didn’t answer for Hyungwon’s reply before starting walking away. What came out of the younger’s mouth after that proved that he was, indeed, possessed by a ghoul.

“Aren’t you going to say good night?”

_What the fuck, Chae Hyungwon?_

Craning his head, without change turning on his heel, Hoseok spoke again.

“I already did.”

 

_“Hyungwon. I know you won’t… you don’t believe… If I never see you again, good morning, good night and happy birthday. I’m sorry. Be happy.”_

 

Kihyun and his boyfriend were the last ones he dropped off at home — the couple succeeded to get hammered because, well, celebrations. Changkyun was a very composed drunk; Hyungwon was very surprised when he payed attention to that trait of the youngest.

While entering the apartment, his drunk best friend was clinging onto him like a koala. Which he wasn’t, because his rodent origins were well known.

“Get off me, hamster.”

“Hyungwon-ah, are you happy? I’m happy you’re with me.”

_He got to the lame phase._

“Yes, I am, now get off. You’re home. Begone, thot.”

“Are you hungry?” As if Kihyun was able to even hold a spoon.

“No, just go to sleep so I can fuck off.”

Changkyun finally pitied him and took his boyfriend away, inside their bedroom. Just before that, he asked Hyungwon to wait a minute.

_It’s not like there’s someone waiting for me._

The maknae almost tripped on a shoe, but made his way back to the living room.

“What is it?”

The man didn’t sound drunk at all. The smell coming from his clothes said otherwise.

“Just… thank you, hyung. Thanks for coming with us today. Kihyun isn’t completely happy when you’re not with us.”

_Jesus, everybody decided to be soft tonight?_

“You’re… welcome?”

Kihyun’s boyfriend moved so fast he had to add extra strength to his legs, because the younger jumped to tightly hug him.

“What are you doing, boy?”

The other snorted. “It’s a hug. You know, how people express affection. I’m sure you heard of it. Now hug me back or it will be weird.”

 _Brat._ It was really very weird just standing with his arms down like that. Slowly, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around the shorter man.

“Thank you, Changkyun.”

A muffled answer resonated through his chest. “Why?”

“You make Kihyun happy. You’re the weirdest couple I’ve ever seen, but it works, so I’m glad.”

“I love you too, hyung. Now say you love me too or else it will be weird.”

_Kids these days are really reaching._

“I love you too, Changkyun. Now, let go of me and go cuddle with your boyfriend. And I’ll deny forever if you talk about this, it’s your word against mine.”

A yell came from the other side of the apartment. “I HEARD THAT TOO!”

Hyungwon tilted his head towards the sound of Kihyun’s voice. “YOU CAN CHOKE, OVERGROWN COCKROACH.”

Walking in front of him, the younger suddenly stopped a few steps from the entrance.

“Wait! I gotta take advantage of your good mood.” And ran back to his bedroom.

Running back towards Hyungwon, Changkyun held a whiteish wood box, about the size of the taller’s hand.

“It was a whileeee ago… Hoseok hyung gave me this to give to you but you know, everything… You knoooow. I think you should keep it, because you love me.”

For the first that night, he didn’t know what to say. Staring at the thing in the other man’s hand, he surprinsingly stretched out his arm to grab it.

“Whatever. Go to sleep, midget.”

 

On his way back home, Hyungwon peeked, once or twice, at the small box he placed on the passenger’s seat. It wasn’t like he was going to open that damn thing, but that was already a hassle. Since birth, he was a very curious person, despite the type of content; that was possibly the main reason he read so many books in his lifetime. And yet, he immediately headed to his bedroom to sleep, because he wasn’t going to open that box. Hyungwon owed nothing to him, he had no obligation to open that.

It was on his third time passing by the box, that he put on his living room, that Hyungwon finally gave him.

 _That goddamn man_.

From that start, that was a stupid idea. He knew that shit was going to trigger him into a spiral of tears and anxiety, but there was he, already with it on his hands again. The odds that he was the stupidest person alive were, more or less, colossal.

As he took the lid off the way, a tiny piece of paper was the first item inside.

_“It’s yours. You can throw it away if you want to. It’s my last gift._

_S.H.”_

That man and his post-its messages were going to be the death of him.

Did Hyungwon expect something from that? Not really. It was like a painting under a blanket; the stuff inside that box could be anything he could think of, and mostly, what he couldn’t. If someone asked him if that was one of the scenarios that passed through his mind, Hyungwon would be lying if he said yes.

On his hands, dozens of polaroids.

The first one displayed an iridescent small library; books of all sizes and colors could be seen from the glass case. On the empty space at the end of the polaroid, Hoseok’s handwriting.

_“18/10/25_

_Hyungwon likes small libraries that he can easily reach out to the top of the shelves, to show off his height. He’d be here.”_

The entire building of the Louvre.

_“18/10/31_

_The museum would be envy of Hyungwon’s beauty, he’d call me cheesy, though. He’d be here.”_

 

The Eiffel Tower, seen from upside down.

_“18/11/12_

_I’d make a joke about Hyungwon’s height and the tower. He’d slap me, but he’d laugh. He’d be here.”_

 

A bowl of ice cream, over a wood table.

_“18/12/22_

_I’d smudge ice cream on his nose here. It’s also the best shop in Paris. He’d be here.”_

Cafés, pubs, academic buildings, more touristic spots, parks filled with people playing in the snow… Every single picture had a little black dot on it, where the common sentence written in all the polaroids indicated what he was talking about.

_“He’d be here.”_

 

 

His good days were the ones he got to see Hyungwon. It wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy his own presence or his friends’, but even if it was just for an hour, seeing him smile, once or twice, already made him happy. The younger seemed better than the other times he saw him. If someone saw him beaming at himself like that, they’d probably say that Hoseok was a hopeless fool.

Which he was, but nobody (but Minhyuk) needed to know.

Under his comforter, he was dozing off when the doorbell rang and he, maybe, groaned louder than he intended. Hoseok considered ignoring it, but it was almost 01:00 am and if someone was knocking on his door at that hour, something must’ve happened.

The last time that the younger man was one step away from his apartment’s threshold, he was ready to smack him in the face. Hyungwon seemed rather calm, though. His voice hit the lowest note within his vocal range.

“Can we talk?”

Alright, that was an improvement; at least the man didn’t seem properply angry. A progress, Hosek tried to persuade himself.

“Sure. Is everything okay?”

Heading for the center table of the living room, Hyungwon turned around when he heard the door closing.

_Oh, that box._

“Hyungwon…”

“Why did you do this?”

_Don’t panic._

“It was a gift. I did- I brought them from- I mean, it was meant for you so it was wrong to keep it.”

The younger expression turned into a scowl.

“I asked why did you took these pictures.”

In the noiseless seconds he should be using to explain, Hoseok took that chance to look closer at the man, just one more time. However, it was late and he didn’t have the energy for what the raven-haired seemed to ready for.

“I don’t want to fight with you, Hyungwon. I told you could throw it-”

“Why…” Lowering his head to stare at the floor, almost looking mortified. “Why do you keep making it hard for me to ignore you? That’s what I want to do.”

_Oh. That is the problem._

“I’m sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t mean to… I won’t do anything else, I’ll stay away from the-”

Hoseok’s eyes widened at the reply he got. Well, the yell he got.

“STOP!”

He was lost. In the past, he knew how to mind his words because it he had a reason for that. Now, he just didn’t get it.

“I’m sorry.”

Gathering the courage to glance at Hyungwon again, tears were rolling down the other man’s face to fall on his carpet.

_Oh. Fuck._

“In my head I need to believe I want you to disappear from my sight, but… You keep making it hard to hate you. Just let me hate you, okay?”

_Don’t fucking panic. Back to staring at the floor, idiot._

“Okay.”

“What do you expect from me, Hoseok? Really? What do you want from me?”

“Nothing. I want you to be happy, nothing else.”

“With other guy?”

The pangs on his heart had a very bad timing.

“If that makes you happy…”

“Really, Hoseok? Is that what you think?”

“Look… Your well being is what matters to me, because that’s what I do when I lo-” _Don’t push it._ “When I care about someone. If you don’t want to see me again, I’ll do that. Just tell me what you need.”

“More pictures.”

The older almost choked on his own saliva before speaking again.

“What?”

“I want more pictures. And everything on it.”

He didn’t know what to think, less what to say. So he said the usual.

“Okay… Do you actually want to see the pictures or…”

“Yes.”

“Oh… sure. May I ask you why?”

“I don’t know. I just want it.”

“Sure. Anything else?”

“No.” Picking up the box he put on the table, Hyungwon headed to the door.

A couple of steps away from the entrance of his house, the man turned around.

“Can you say it? What you told me you already did. Can you say it, anyways?”

The butterflys in his stomach also had a very, very messy schedule.

“Good night, Hyungwon.”

 

 

Hyungwon would never admit, in that lifetime, that he smiled all the way to the elevator.

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[10:11 am]_

_not gonna kill yall yet changed his nickname to: “its possible i was wrong”_

**prodigy better than DOTS writer** : I CANT BELIEVE IM SEEING WITH MY OWN TWO BISEXUAL EYES YOO KIHYUN REVIVING THE WONSEOK GC

 **wolf pupy** : WHAT IS HAPPENING

 **its possible i was wrong** : hyungwon texted me some pics of polaroids

 **its possible i was wrong** : from hoseok he took a shit ton of them in paris

 **its possible i was wrong** : all in places he thought hyungwon would like to go and wrote messages on it and he actually went to ask hoseok wtf was that

 **its possible i was wrong** : grease shit and all he kinda asked for more pics

 **its possible i was wrong** : it was the cutest shit ive ever laid my eyes on goddamnit im s*ft

 **its possible i was wrong** : hyungwon used an EMOJI i said AN EMOJI the smiley one

 **loveliest bear** : SHIT IS SERIOUS

 **wolf pupy** : THAT BITCH DIDNT TELL ME WHY MY BEST FRIEND DOING ME DIRTY LIEK THAT

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : you know he dead

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : PLEASE NOW THE THEME SONG I WROTE SHOULD COME IN

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer:** LOOK AT THIS GREASY SHIT I LOVE HOSEOK HYUNG SO MUCH

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : no more than hyungwon tho

 **loveliest bear** : yall really gonna make me weep at work

 **wolf pupy** : KIHYUN I WANNA SEE THE PICS AND I WANT U TO SAY U LOVE UR DEAR HYUNG HOSEOK

 **its possible i was wrong** : youre reaching

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : so…….. are you officially on the wonseok squad™ @itspossibleiwaswrong

 **its possible i was wrong** : …………………………..maybe

 **maknae** : I GAVE HYUNGWON THE BOX YESTERDAY HOSEOK LEFT HERE LIKE 3000 YEARS AGO AND HYUNGWON WAS IN A GOOD MOOD SO……….. NOW HE REALLY IS LMAO YALL WELCOME

 **maknae** : bUT CANT BELIEVE KIHYUN WAITED FOR ME TO GO TO WORK TO SPILL THAT THE BETRAYAL WHY DIDNT I GET THE INFO FIRST IM UR BOYFRIEND UR LOVE

 **its possible i was wrong** : fuck off i got the text 10 mins ago

 **maknae** : i been loving the rite man

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : if yall excuse me i gotta write the award-winner drama of the century aka wonseok

 **wolf pupy** : gimme the cliches back gunhee i live 4 that shit

 **its possible i was wrong** : don’t encourage his craziness

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : WATCH OUT SONGSONG WATCH OUT JISUNG/BOYOUNG THE GAYS AND BISEXUALS AKA WONSEOK IS COMING FOR YOUR GIG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well............................ now yall know  
> im not sure its satisfying but i like the idea of tying a few details inside the story yall may have overlooked it........ hope yall at least didnt find it too bad
> 
> the cheesy shit is only beginning i can tell yall that 
> 
> i noticed when the title of the chapters are short its usually when imma about to fuck yall up jkdfhskdjgjdhskl  
> thanks for the comments and kudos i appreciate it v much, sorry for the 5 chapters of tears (but not really)
> 
> see ya next week, kids


	14. Although We Met, We Will Meet Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The woods are lovely, dark and deep,  
> But I have promises to keep,  
> And miles to go before I sleep,  
> And miles to go before I sleep. 
> 
> \- Robert Frost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shows up to update one day later w/ a starbucks* HELLO  
> sorry abt the delay my tooth was being a bitch and torturing me but here it is
> 
> the title is the name of a Kim Jaejoong song (when is my man givin me a new album ffs)
> 
> not really news, but i really love and miss kim jonghyun <3
> 
> enjoy (or not)

The sky wasn’t the same sky. Sure, for most people it probably was, but not for him. How could it be, when everything he knew was proved to be untruths, turning him into a walking contradiction? Just like a dream within a dream in the poem, he found himself hopeless. Who was he? Hyungwon didn’t know, but he was sure he wasn’t the same man he was before the storm. Perhaps, he changed even before knowing about such rare phenomenon was occurring. 

It may seem odd, but it was better that way.

The person his adoptive parents raised wasn’t him. His mannerisms, his way of reacting to things, his intrinsic fear due the lack of safety, and more; it wasn’t him, but it made home inside his body anyway, and protected him from the monsters under his bed, sometimes. Recognizing the small parts of himself he could save, among that mess, was also an arduous chore; which things that he felt were actually him, and not something he was trained to feel, to believe? In silence, the claws of the world were there to scratch his skin everytime the man left his house; would that place, any place, ever be safe again? Time was the only answer he could get his hands on and yet, there wasn’t a sureness it’d work; Hyungwon was lurching blindfolded through life, but it still was better than not knowing why he has always been struggling so damn much.

The hands covering his eyes were gone, but it was still hard to adjust his vision to the scintillating lights.

Snow painted the city in white, attracting a fair share of cold to envelop his body; it was okay, though. Being with himself wasn’t so abominable anymore, even though it was a hard task to figure out what kind of person he was. Did he like the things he like, or he was _told_ to like them? In the beginning of his ponderings, it was easy to answer that — Hyungwon didn’t like multitudes, waking up early, curry, people quarreling near him. On the other hand, Hyungwon liked spending time with his friends, being with children, reading different kinds of books, Hos-

_Crap._

That was a very expensive wall; it was very possible that just one of the books in that shelf cost more than his entire outfit. What was he thinking, by the way? It wasn’t a secret that Hyungwon was staring at that wall to run away from the emotional, intimate questions; if he was just a little less courteous, he’d be googling if it’s possible to die of boredom, because if not, he was about to be the first man in history to pass away from that. Of course Hyungwon wanted to leave, but there was always a reminder in the corner of his head that he did request that, because, well, weekly therapy.

“Hmm?”

His therapist seemed older than she actually was, just like Changkyun didn’t look like he was the maknae among their friends. Inbetween her 40s or 50s — Hyungwon couldn’t really tell — the woman was way shorter than him, long blonde hair, very friendly-looking. Sometimes, so friendly it pissed him off.

“I asked you about how your routine is going, if something changed. Didn’t you hear it?”

Actually, he did. It wasn’t like he was ignoring her on purpose; the thing is that Hyungwon would look at her interminable talking and would just signal with his head that he was listening, so it was easy for him to space out.

“Oh, yes. Sorry. It’s fine, it’s fine. I’m good, I think.” Not a complete lie. “I still don’t know what to do about my future and stuff, but… things are… getting simpler, I guess.”

The woman sitting on an armchair in front of him gave him an inquiring look. Damn, he should’ve kept his mouth shut like he always did when he went there.

“That’s good. And why is it?”

He wasn’t going to go _there_. Absolutely. So, time to spill about other topic it was.

“I don’t know, it’s just… getting better. I’m feeling fine, my anxiety is bitching less… Oh, sorry for that.”

Instead of a reprimand, a laugh. “No need. Speak freely, I don’t have a problem with it.”

“Well, that’s about it.”

“Are you sure, Hyungwon? It seems like… something is different about you.”

_Oh, crap._

“I don’t- I don’t know what you mean. It’s all pretty much the same, except for, you know, my parents aren’t really my parents, like some morning drama shit.”

_She didn’t buy it. Fuck._

“I see. By the way, how do you feel about them, now? It was a pretty hard hit, for what you’ve told me.”

“I don’t know if I hate them anymore.” Again, not a lie. Too much things occupied his mind at that time for him to even remember them. “I just… don’t feel. At least not now. I don’t know what to remember about them, to be honest, it feels like… it’s just kind of unreal, yet.” He didn’t even know why he was holding his breath. “It’s not like it never happened, and my memories didn’t disappear, and they still… But it’s like they're finally going back to my past for good, so… I’m just trying to live out of spite, at best.”

His therapist joyously nodded. “That’s good, Hyungwon. You’re doing very well. Since you started coming here in the beginning of the year, you improved a lot. I’m glad, truly.”

“Well, thank you for listening to my bulls- I mean, my problems. Sorry.”

Moving a bit in her fancy ass chair, the older woman wasn’t finished.

“You do know that I have to ask about the second thing that was hurting you the most, right?

_Damnit, lady._

“Oh Christ, it’s fine too. I don’t mind it so much. Really.” She never gave him a so incredulous stare. “What? I’m telling the truth. I don’t care that much about what he’s doing, but I’m not avoiding him when we’re with our friends. It’s fine. We’re all fine. I think he’s fine too, not that I care.”

“You do love to underestimate how transparent you are, you know that, right?”

“What?”

“When you talked about him, before, you seemed very… sad, there was a lot of pain in you. Now, you don't seem to carry such a heavy load of sorrow. Something happened with your ex-boyfriend? Something… important?”

_Is Hoseok this obnoxious with his patients too? Gosh._

“Not really. We talked, once or twice. We have the same friends; it’s not like I can pretend he’s not there forever.” _Not that I went to his apartment and cried in front of him then smiled like an idiot when he said goodnight to me._ “It’s _fine_.”

Inside his pocket, his phone buzzed. The screen was lit up when he took the device out of it.

 

[10:24 am]

weirdest maknae:

_why hoseok hyung sent something here?? for u?? idk?? u coming?_

2xhyung:

_Yes_

 

Not that he’d ever admit without torture, but Hyungwon never got up so quickly off of a chair.

“Pardon me, I gotta go.”

“But we still have more 30 minutes…”

“Something urgent came up, I’ll come back next week.” He bowed to the woman as he put his coat back on. “Thank you.”

“Wait, Hyungwon-”

After leaving the building, first of all, Hyungwon persuaded himself that his high-speed out of there was solemnly to be able to escape all that confrontation, because that was the truth. Not that the message meant something _actually_ important; it was just a maneuver, obviously it was way too early to speak about that.

Therapy helped him a lot, he admited. If Hyungwon kept bottling up everything he felt, at some point not really far, he was going to explode, and it wouldn’t be pretty for him and for everybody else in his life. It was easier to say those things to a stranger; Hyungwon felt less violated when it came to those topics he really didn’t want to talk about, but it was necessary for him to do it. Being poked around every damn week wasn't his favorite hobby, but did made his relationship with himself gradually get better. 

20 minutes later, he knocked on Changkyun’s door. Kihyun's boyfriend promptly greeted him.

“Hi, hyung-”

“Where is it?”

The younger man was all dressed up with a backpack hanging from one shoulder, probably heading to work.

“Good morning to you too, and yes, I’m fine, thank you for asking, hyung.”

“Ugh. Sorry. Good morning, I’m fine too. Can you please give me the thing so I can get out of your way?”

 

A horizon of water tamed by the city constructions, with a pale sun disappearing in the background.

_“19/11/12_

_I remember you said you never came to the Han River since you moved to Seoul. A nice place, even in the winter. This is what you’d see.”_

A white cat, with black and brownish patches around their body, sleepind soundly on someone’s lap.

_“19/11/13_

_This is my cat, Bong Cha. I’ve had her for about two months. She’s a little brat, but a lovable one. Loves to sleep on my lap. Isn’t she cute?”_

Minhyuk, with his eyes closed, swallowing a crazy amount of food.

_“19/11/15_

_Minhyuk is indeed eating 2 sandwiches at the same time. He’s not human, I’m sure.”_

A full-body snowman, with a blue scarf wrapped around what was supposed to be their neck.

_“19/11/15_

_The kids from my building did this snowman yesterday. He looked kinda cold, so I put a scarf on him. You should make one.”_

 

Bright lights behind people on a stage, seen from a considerable distance.

_“19/11/16_

_Buzz’s concert. Really nice, they’re cool. After you told me about the song, I listened to it and more of their stuff, you have good taste.”_

 

“Damn.”

That was a very bad idea, Hyungwon concluded right after checking the content of the envelop he got from Changkyun. That kind of stuff did things with his stomach that shouldn’t do anymore, because he already let go of everything he felt for Hoseok. Not what his best friend thought, by the dazzled and wary look he was giving him.

“Damn what, Kihyun? It’s just… pictures.”

From the other side of the table, inside Subway, the shorter man gave him a glare that could be clearly translated as _“really, bitch?”_.

“I mean… Why did you ask him for more, if those from Paris messed you up?”

“It didn’t.” A defensive scoff left his mouth automatically. “I just… didn’t know how to react.”

“This is cute, I gotta say.” Eyeing the polaroids again, Kihyun picked up the one with their friend on it. “Except for the Minhyuk one. He’s right, that man isn’t human.”

“Hmm… Sure.”

“So… is he going to keep sending these? Or it’s just a one-time thing?”

_Is it?_

“I don’t know. I just said I wanted more pictures, didn’t specify.”

“And why was that, by the way?”

Jesus, why couldn’t people just take the facts as they were, without questioning for another true reason? Because that was it, what did they want?

Hyungwon was tired, though. Mostly, of pretending. Thoughts of his ex infested his mind day and night, awake and while sleeping. It was almost as if every single thing in life wasn’t willing to let him forget what he felt.  He stuffed his mouth with the sandwich in front of him before going on, so it’d muffle the bullshit he was about to deliver.

“I don’t fucking know. It was either that or I’d kiss the shit out of him. This is… controlled. That way I can finally get over this, to finally comprehend that I don’t feel anything else for him.”

Kihyun had the nerve of chuckling.

“You just said you almost kissed the shit out of him. Sounds very comprehendable.”

Why was he friends with that mice, by the way?

“What can I do, Kihyun? He did those things…” The younger then gestured towards the pictures on the table. “And these things and he… I don’t know, he keeps existing and I don’t trust myself.”

“You’re a wimp, Chae Hyungwon. If you need to make out with him to prove that you’re over him, you’re already bullshitting yourself. People from the International Space Station can see the size of your ongoing crush.”

“Kihyun…” He wasn’t proud he whined in broad daylight. “I made a mistake with this, right? I’ll tell him that this is enough and that he doesn’t need to send more.”

The older laughed again. “Do you want him to stop sending?”

_Goddamnit._

“No… But…”

“You’re exhausting my beauty, Hyungwon. I know things changed a lot after… everything that happened, and I don’t know what to think about him, so I just can imagine how you’re feeling. And he has a cat now, that was a low blow.”

“I know, right? I compromised with myself, remember? I’d never let him fool me again, I’d never believe him again. Everything I went through still hurts me, but what can I do? It isn’t fair for me to feel like this, it feels like he has the upper hand.”

“Well, you kinda asked for it, though. No offense, but you were the one who said he could hang out with us. He did disappear when you asked him to.” Before proceeding, Kihyun sipped on his drink. “You keep putting yourself into these situations then whimper that it’s difficult to not fall for what he does.”

Did he know that? Yes. Could he stop himself from doing it? Hardly.

“You’re not helping me, Hamster. What’s the point of you then?”

The man in front of him looked _very_ close to smack Hyungwon’s soul out of his body.

“My _point_ is that you should either get over him once and for all, or you go there to kiss the shit out of him. You know what I think about this, I don’t want you to get hurt again. And I don’t know if you thought about it, but it’s not like he’ll keep doing this forever, right? Someday he’ll meet a new guy and…”

Yeah. There was it; what was missing from the equation.

“Oh.” That made Hyungwon straighten his back on his chair. Not that it was too important. “I didn’t… But it’s fine, I’m good with it.”

_Why no one in this fucking day believes I’m saying the truth? Because I am, there’s no other fact._

“You’re the worst liar that ever walked this earth, I swear to Christ. This upsets me more because _I_ was the one who taught you to lie. Just date someone else then, and he’ll date someone else and we all can let go of this shitty vibe around us.”

Yeah, there was still there. They didn’t avoid each other anymore, but… Hyungwon still didn’t know what to say or how to act properly when he was around his ex. It felt like the things that happened were fading away a bit more everytime he saw Hoseok, and that was dangerous; dangerous and tricky. His stupid friend wasn’t helping to calm down the heaviness in his chest.

“Can you stop saying he’s going to date someone else?”

“Why? It’ll happen, you’re not his boyfriend anymore. What do you want? For him to spend his entire life just watching you from afar, sending pictures he takes around the city?”

_No._

“You’re really the worst friend in the world.”

Now, Kihyun really seemed fed up, for real.

“Listen, you little shit, it’s not like you gave him any hope about anything between you two, right?”

“He said he doesn’t expect anything from me.”

“Good. Maybe you two can be cordial, at least. But you do have to accept that you’ll see him with another guy or girl one day. It won’t be a problem, of course, because you obviously don’t like him anymore.”

“I really hate you, Yoo Kihyun.”

The brown-haired rolled his eyes, pushing himself back up on his chair.

“Whatever. My birthday is in a few days, by the way. And no, I’m not inviting him, so you can come with your denial to the party.”

“Said the one who’s still pretending to hate him.”

The older’s eyes widened in outrage.

“I’m not! We’re not friends anymore, so why should I invite him?”

“Do your shit, Yoo Kihyun. I hope you’re ready to have Minhyuk yelling on your ear while the others cry about you being mean.”

 

In the end, his best friend ended up inviting the crimson-haired older, but Hoseok didn’t show up. As stated by Changkyun, he already had a thing scheduled for that night; something about work colleagues, Hyungwon didn’t care.

He did have a good time with his friends, though. The days weren’t so painfully tedious anymore, so Hyungwon could actually enjoy the moments he spent with the other boys. However, an hour after the party at Changkyun and Kihyun’s apartment started, he quietly left the others behind; once they were all drunk, nothing more than extreme PDA and screaming came from those who were already with a ticket to a very bad hangover, the next day. The man did love them very much, but the drunk versions of themselves weren't something he was ready to put up with that night.

It was barely past midnight, but the streets he passed by were empty as if every single person had vanished from the face of the Earth; the harsh winter wind whistled so loud that he could hear it even with the car windows closed. As he drove by the familiar roads of that neighbourhood, Hyungwon was so lost in his thoughts that he almost missed a figure he could recognize even in the dark, on the opposite sidewalk. Who in the fucking world walks back home, just when it’s snowing and the city is freezing everyone alive?

Hoseok had only a simple coat to warm his body up, and a black beanie on his head. Hands buried inside his long navy garment, the man seemed unbothered by the nature trying to kill him.

Rolling down the window of his car, Hyungwon didn’t know why he stuck his head outside to call out for the man.

“Yah! What the hell?”

The older almost shrieked in fright when he heard Hyungwon's shout.

“Oh. Hey.”

“Are you trying to become a popsicle?”

Hoseok snorted, casting his eyes down to the ground.

“It’s fine, it doesn’t bother me. I like walking.”

“Are you fucking Elsa? Get inside.” _What the fuck, Hyungwon? What are you doing?_   “It’s a nuisance, don’t argue.”

What was he doing, really? The damn idiot had to even smile at him, before agreeing.

The sudden perception that was the closest they ever got in the past months, since… well, everything, made him hold his breath for brief moment. Hyungwon was fine, even though he was tempted to look at his right side every damn second he started driving again. Hoseok was the one to break the silence, though.

“How was Kihyun’s party?”

“Fine. At least he's getting hammered at his own house, so I don’t have to carry him around. Were you coming back from…”

Why the hell was he engaging in a conversation with Hoseok? Hyungwon had no idea what his damn brain was doing.

“Yeah. A dinner with college friends. Kim Namjoon was there, you met him once.”

“Oh, the gawky one with dimples that had a crush on that guy… Lee Jaehwan’s friend? I don’t remember the name.”

“Yeah. He’s dating said friend of Lee Jaehwan, now. Kim Seokjin. He was there too.”

“Wow, he did it. Didn't think he'd even have the balls to go speak with the guy.”

“It was Seokjin hyung who made the first move, actually.”

Hyungwon almost ran a red light.

_“Really?”_

“Yeah. A while after graduation, they met at Yoongi hyung's house and he asked him out. Seokjin hyung said Namjoon almost end up on the hospital because he choked on his drink.”

Hyungwon didn't have the precise date of how long the void had been there, but it was the first time that the younger genuinely laughed since his life turned upside down, 2 years before that moment. The irony in that was that it was the man who broke his heart that cracked him up; he was very self-aware of that, and by the way, that didn’t help his mental health. Why was he so fucking stupid for feeling so relieved around Hoseok? It was a trap, he needed to remember, it always has been.

The rest of the ride to Hoseok’s house was dead silent. The raven-haired didn’t know how, but it was almost as if the other man knew what he was uncomfortable about.

Stepping out of Hyungwon’s car, the older bend down a little bit to face him again, before closing the door.

“Thank you. Get home safely.”

Not looking back at Hoseok, he answered. “Sure.”

In another event of his body being possessed, the crimson-haired man was almost inside his building when he had to be a fucking idiot again.

Out of the car and walking towards the man, Hyungwon called for him once more.

“Hoseok.”

The older turned around fast. “Hmm?”

“The polaroids. I liked it.”

“Oh.” Another smile. Did he have to do that everytime? “I’m glad. Do you… I mean, let me know if you don't want any more of those."

“I do.” Fuck, he did. “Can I- No, I mean- I wanted- Can I see her? Your cat.”

Hoseok nodded, kind of surprised. Meanwhile, Hyungwon was internally screaming for his stupidity.

“Sure.”

Before following the man inside his building, he remembered to press the button key to lock his car. Astoundingly, out of all their elevator rides together in the last couple of years, that was the less awkward one.

While Hoseok unlocked his apartment, the younger considered just running away like the insane person he was. Something held him in his place, though.

“Come in. Just a minute, I’ll get her.”

For a moment, it felt like it was the first time Hyungwon had been there. Which was strange, considering everything that happened in that very same living room. If he looked closer, the taller man could see his past self  collapsing over the same carpet he now stood on. Going up there was, by far, the worst mistake he made that night.

“Here.” Hoseok’s voice snapped him out of his reveries. The crimson-haired glared down at his cat before handing her to him. “Bong Cha, be nice.”

The universe was a devious little bitch, that wasn't news, but the small thing being handed to him was adorable and Hyungwon was so damn weak. The cat was already pretty big compared to what he imagined; it seemed she was adopted already as in her adult years. Hyungwon had to sit down on the older man’s couch to accommodate the cat on his arms.

A chuckle sneaked away from his mouth for the second time that night when Hoseok’s cat purred and licked his hand, settling her head on his stomach. Hearing another laugh in the room, Hyungwon remembered he wasn’t alone in there.

The man had his arms crossed against his chest, leaning on the wall in front of him. The delicate flicking his eyelashes distracted the younger from any other thought.

“She likes you.”

Even sitting down, Hyungwon could feel his legs becoming a floppy disaster when he lifted his head to stare at the other man. To try to look less like an idiot, he said the first thing that came to his mind.

“She’s very cute.”

“A friend of mine who works at an animal shelter mentioned they were going to sacrifice her just because she’s blind. So I took her in.”

_Why does he have to look so fucking sweet and kissable?_

“Hmm… Thanks, I’ll get going.”

Putting the cat on the sofa, the younger walked towards the door without making eye contact; Hoseok was already holding it open for him, though.

“Thanks for the ride. Goodnight.”

_Oh, fuck. That damn word._

“Sure. Sure. Goodnight.”

If Hyungwon could just have one prayer answered for the rest of his life, he wished that hall was dark enough to hide his facepalm.

 

 

His heart was beating so loud it was very possible for someone on the same floor as him to hear it too. Out of all the times he didn't know how to react to sudden events, that was the most pleasant one he had ever witnessed; how could it not be when Hyungwon came to his house for a non-hateful motive? Bong Cha was trutly a gift from the Gods above. If he died during sleep, that night, he’d die very happy, like the silly man he was. There wasn’t a single thing that could wipe the smile off of his face.

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[11:12 am]_

**wolf pupy** : my heaaaaaaddddd

 **wolf pupy** : but tf just woke up w 10 missed calls from hoseok and 24 texts abt

 **wolf pupy** : hOW WONNIE GAVE HIM A RIDE BACK HOME AND MET HIS CAT AND BOY WE LOST A HYUNG BC HE DEAD

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : my hangover just disappeared I'M HOLLERING

 **baby honey** : mine didn’t so stop fucking yelling

 **its possible i was wrong** : thank god i was drunk when hyungwon was losing his shit on the phone last night

 **its possible i was wrong** : he screamed so much it sounded like he was being gutted

 **maknae** : REAL i could hear it from the other side of the room

 **its possible i was wrong** : what i remember is “his cat is so cute” and “the fuck was i thinking” and “im fucking insane”

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : i CANNOT with this tsundere but as i thought, progress is COMIGN

 **wolf pupy** : whats next gunhee

 **maknae** : yall really think he can predict shit

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : i find your lack of faith disturbing

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : THAT’S IT IT’S THE JEALOUS STUFF BOY HE GONNA LOSE IT MARK MY WORDSSSS

 **its possible i was wrong** : hyungwon almost flipped the table when i said that one day hoseok will date someone else

 **loveliest bear** : why do I feel that this can end up in murder

 

 

The week after his last encounter with Hoseok, Hyungwon received another envelope from his friend, but that time Kihyun was the one who delivered it, and even though he tried to pretend he wasn’t curious, the older hurried him up to open the damn thing.

 

A pinkish sunset, hiding behind the buildings of Seoul.

_“19/11/24_

_I think it’s the first time this month I’ve actually seen the sun. I actually came to the rooftop to get a better angle._

 

A kid's drawing, mess of colors, of what seemed to be Hoseok in a field of sunflowers.

_“19/11/25_

_One of my patients’ kid gave me that. I never got one of these before, it’s really cool.”_

 

Almost an entire aisle of a grocery store, Hyungwon supposed.

_“19/11/25_

_This store has so many types of ramen, God is real.”_

Bong Cha, the older’s cat, stretching her little body on a bed, sleeping soundly. It was kind of blurry, though.

_“19/11/26_

_I was kicked out of my own bed. Sorry about the fuzzy pic, Jisung has 0 photography skills. She still looks cute, right?”_

 

“Who the hell is Jisung?”

It was like Hyungwon wasn’t really paying attention to the content on it, but focused on the pieces of paper that once were touched by Hoseok. He knew it was pathetic, don’t worry. Kihyun’s question made him read again the message, on the bottom of the last polaroid in his hand. Bong Cha was still cute, indeed.

_Who the hell is Jisung?_

It took almost all the strength in his body to not clench his fists.

“I don’t know any Jisung, so I have no idea.”

Dropping his body on his own bed, the brown-haired facepalmed for his friend.

“Well, if the guy is taking pictures on Hoseok’s bedroom, he must be his new boyfriend.”

Hyungwon wasn’t fast enough to control the deadly stare he threw at his best friend, sitting on the edge of the man’s bed.

“I don’t care.”

Smirking at him, the older shaked his head in agreement.

“ _Thank God_ you don’t care. So, moving to the next topic, we’re planning to go to that-”

Hyungwon wasn’t bothered by that thing particularly, but about the fact that it seemed to be made to affect him.

“He mentioned it on purposed, didn’t he?” _Oh my God, shut the fuck up Hyungwon._ “I mean, he did it to annoy me, right?”

Kihyun incredulously tilted his head. “He knows you don’t like him anymore, right? You said you didn’t give him hope or some shit. So why would he think you’d care about a phrase?”

“Because he- I mean, he lied about all that thing, about us, it was never real I know and- I mean, did he mention something the guys didn’t tell me- I think I should leave the country and never come back, what do you think?”

His best friend seemed to have no doubt Hyungwon went fucking crazy.

“How the hell did this escalated so quickly? I told you that you need make up your damn mind about that man. I mean, you did go to his house with the excuse to see his cat.”

The defamation. “It wasn’t an excuse, asshole. I really wanted to meet his cat, I was curious, is that a crime? I like animals, that’s it.”

“Whatever floats your boat, Hyungwon. I warned you, so don’t come telling me it’s my fault later. Now, let’s go. I’m craving jajangmyeon.”

 

They met Changkyun and the latter's best friend at the small and cozy restaurant near Kihyun’s house; the place was really overcrowded, but for some reason it didn’t bother him. Probably because something else already the first in line to piss him off. 

He didn’t mind if Hoseok could be possibly dating another guy because that was nothing of his business. Hyungwon’s relationship with the older man had become more amicable, but that was it, nothing more. They could, at least, hang out around each other without being terribly awkward for them and for his friends, and if Hoseok decided to show up with his new… whatever, why would Hyungwon mind it? Getting in terms with his feelings and, especially, what he should feel, was more imlportant than anything else. He wouldn’t care, no matter how strong the urge to cry was becoming in that afternoon.

It wasn’t fair.

Just like Hoseok seemed to be doing, he was going to learn how to move on even if it killed him a bit. Of course, Hyungwon could do the same, he could find someone else to be happy with; he was only feeling like that because Hoseok was the only guy he ever dated, and people tend to get attached to their first loves. Should he try to meet new people? His friends should know some nice guys Hyungwon could go on dates with; only Hyunwoo or Jooheon, possibly, if he didn’t want to be set up with some weirdo by the profile of the rest of his friends. It was simple, right? As soon as he’d meet a cool guy, the raven-haired would finally forget about his ex and let the past ultimately be in the past.

“Oh, hey! It’s Hos-”

“Changkyun!”

The short dialogue between Kihyun and his boyfriend snapped him out of his self-pity. Quickly straightening his back on the chair inside the restaurant, Hyungwon motioned his head towards his friends' voices. 

Changkyun and Kihyun sat together by the large glass window, that gave them almost full view of the streets.

The man was wearing a thicker coat than the last time he saw him, the week before. With a red scarf wrapped around his neck and a beanie covering his hair, Hoseok laughed at something a black-haired guy, a few centimeters shorter than him, with one arm wrapped around the crimson-haired's shoulder, was telling him as they strolled by the sidewalk on the other side of the street.

He could feel his best friend’s eyes on his face.

“Hyungwon…”

The pre-recorded answer in his brain was activated. “I’m fine.” It took him a couple of seconds to continue. “Let’s order, I’m hungry.”

Not anymore. It felt like his stomach could never ingest food ever again in his life; it was full of something strange that crawled their way up to his throat.

_It’s nothing, I’m good. Relax, Hyungwon, you’re fine, that’s nothing._

Words were easy, actions were tougher, though. His friends’ chatting became a distant sound as he poked the food on a bowl in front of him, with the intention of pretending he was actually going to eat that.

They were close, Hyungwon could see. Like, _really_ close, so he could conclude they were at least… acquainted. The way Hoseok laughed was so real that annoyed him even more. Why did the older man had to look like he was doing so well while Hyungwon was there, being a fucking fool? It wasn’t fair. Watching that scene only reminded him of all the times Hoseok held his hand, even when they were just friends, and said some corny shit that made him want to go back home, but the raven-haired was always persuaded by the older’s whiny voice — the way he used to say “Hyungwonnie” killed him, completely.

He was incredibly close to marinate that food with his tears when Kihyun’s yell echoed through his ears.

“YAH, CHAE HYUNGWON!”

All the three men on the table stared at him, along with the other customers.

“What? What?”

“I asked if you’re coming to Jooheon and Kyun’s stage tomorrow. Are you goddamn deaf?”

Hyungwon didn’t want to have to leave his home for the next 20 years. And yet…

“Yeah, sure. When is it?”

Heavily exhaling, the older rolled his eyes. “I just said it’s tomorrow, pay some damn attention."

According to the database in his brain, he shouldn’t be feeling so vulnerable.

“I’m sorry.” Where was his self-respect to not choke back a sob, anyways? “I’ll go first. I’ll leave first, see you guys later.”

Kihyun tried to grab his arm as he passed by him. “Hyungwon, wait, I’m sorry-”

“It’s fine, I’m fine. I have something to do, talk to you later.”

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[03:20 pm]_

**its possible i was wrong** : fucking hell on fuckland

 **its possible i was wrong** : who the fuck is jisung @wolfpupy and why is he walkin around with hoseok like they a couple

 **baby honey** : my heart hurt seeing hyungwon like that

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : I DON’T HANG OUT WITH YALL 1 TIME AND SOMETHING IMPORTANT HAPPENS

 **wolf pupy** : what/

 **its possible i was wrong** : ANSWER ME

 **wolf pupy** : idk i think its his friend?? he talked abt a jisung years ago i think its the same one?/??

 **its possible i was wrong** : so hes the guy hoseok is dating now?

 **wolf pupy** : WHAT

 **its possible i was wrong** : we saw hoseok and the guy walking together all loveydovey and by we i mean hyungwon too

 **wolf pupy** : OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD

 **wolf pupy** : gun did really got somethin right im SHOOKETH

 **its possible i was wrong** : NOT THE FUCKING IMPORTANT PART

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : how dare hoseok hyung betray me like this

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : after all my blood sweat and tears in the name of wonseok

 **loveliest bear** : tf we don’t even know if hes dating the guy??? People are can be FRIENDS if yall don’t know about this

 **maknae** : idk what i kno is that hyungwon just stormed out of the restaurant after a while

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : SQUEEZE HOSEOK HYUNG @WOLFPUPY WE NEED INFOS

 **baby honey** : pls do it fast before the disembowelment plans start

 

 

Much to his surprise, the night seemed to be passing very quickly; Jooheon and Changkyun’s stage already ended by the time he managed to get out of his daily overthinking, and his friends all moved to a small table next to the bar. Too loud, as always, but that time, it was something good. His thoughts were eating him alive since the day before with that… circumstance, and with that music blasting on his ears it was easier to not get lost in the usual thorny road.

 

 

He didn’t plan to go, mostly because he had an appointment in the morning of the next day, but the boys pleaded so much for his presence — using Jooheon’s aegyo as a deadly weapon — that Hoseok had to gave in. Regardless of the sea of bodies in front of him, it didn’t take so long for him to spot his friends among the strangers.

It was notorious, by everybody that knew him, that Hyungwon hit very specific weaknesses inside of him; one of them was just in front of his eyes, by the way. The goddamn hair slicked back had made an appearance just a few times since he met the younger, but it was enough to steal all the air inside his lungs. Hoseok didn't need to make a scene by fainting in that dark and packed place, though.

_Oh, no, have some mercy._

Jooheon pushed Hyungwon by the arm to the center of the dancing floor, being followed by the rest of his friends. Changkyun wasn’t there, though, because the maknae was getting ready to scare the living shit out of him when he approached Hoseok from behind.

“Jesus Christ, boy.” He dragged a hand to his chest to check if his heart still beat. “The hell?”

His youngest friend laughed. “Sorry, hyung. I was going back there and I saw you here so I thought ‘why not bring Hoseok hyung along with me’, basically.”

“Okay, okay. Let’s go-”

The chaos of mixed voices wasn’t stronger than his habituation of recognizing that sound anywhere, no matter how noisy it was.

Craning his head towards his friends again, Hoseok could take a peek of the smile that slowly faded away on Hyungwon’s mouth; his laugh was the best sound in the entire world, no other thing was a good match for that. The older man almost forgot to keep the memory that moment.

It was the first time, since he came back to Korea, that he saw the man he loved laughing like that; all the previous versions of that only existed in his remembrances, and for a long time, he thought he’d never get to see — and hear — something like that again. The filter inside his head could only catch the sound of Hyungwon's voice, stars that formed from it fell all over him.

“Hoseok hyung?”

Oh, right. Changkyun.

“Sorry. I really liked the performance, you and Jooheonnie were amazing." Hugging the youngest, Hoseok gave him another smile. "Tell him I’ll make it up for you two later, I have something important tomorrow morning, can’t stay.”

A pout formed on the boy’s face. “That sucks. But okay, adulting is a pain in the ass. Jooheon hyung will understand.”

 

 

Gunhee was a rascal all the time, but the man did know how to make others feel at ease; to make any situation a fun one was one of his God-given gifts. Hyungwon barely noticed when he was already on the dance floor with his friends, laughing at Gun’s weird moves in front of him; even Kihyun almost dropped off his beer from cackling too hard.

One of the things that growing up in a restricted environment taught him was the ability to know when he was being observed, no matter what place he was in; Hyungwon lived under the eyes of his parents, teachers, housemaids and more people than he could remember, during his entire life, so he naturally developed sort of a sixth sense to those kind of things. It helped him not getting yelled at when he was younger, so he thought of it as a sort of super power.

Hyungwon turned to sweep through the crowd with his eyes — thanks to his height, it wasn’t a difficult job; at least that was something that his biological parents, whoever they were, benefited him with. Finding him was like directing his eyes towards a spotlight in the middle of the dimness.

A smile on the raven-haired’s face remained in place even after the mutual gaze; he couldn’t explain why was still there, but there was also one in Hoseok’s mouth. Hands buried on the pockets of his leather jacket, the older man just stared at him in a way that felt like Hoseok could see every single thing that happened inside him.

Not much longer, the man turned on his heels to leave.

_What the fuck?_

A lot of things were still a puzzle in his life, but the reason why Hyungwon felt so angry at that was crystal clear, even if he wanted to deny it.

_Am I that really fucking insufferable? What the fuck is wrong with him?_

 

 

Usually, Hoseok didn’t complain about walking around the city at night, even though it was one of the grueling winters the city ever had. Two steps outside the pub and the freezing air hit his face like a perfect right hook; at that point, the man did really regreted not bringing a scarf with him.

Despite the people coming in and out of the building he just left, the rest of the block seemed to be desert. Then, the whirlwind came.

“YAH!”

As swiftly as he stopped on his tracks, his feet moved his body in the direction of the voice.

Those days, that was a very effortless expression to identify on Hyungwon’s face, because of… well, everything.

Anger.

“Hm?”

“Why are you doing this again?” Even though Hyungwon wasn’t screaming, his toneless voice gave him the chills.

“I’m… going home? I have a-”

The taller man stomped towards him, at the end of the sidewalk.

“Do you really hate me that much? You can’t even be in the same place as me more than a minute, really, Hoseok?"

_What the h-_

“What? Of course not. I have to get up early to-”

“Did your _new_ boyfriend told you to stay away from me, is that it?”

_What the hell?_

“What are you talking about? I’m not dating anyone.”

“Then- I-” He shouldn’t think it was cute because of the situation, but Hyungwon really was when he seemed to be embarrassed. “The guys, we were at- And you were with someone on the street so I thought- Maybe I- I don’t know, you started leaving like this again and I thought-”

Physically restraining a smile by pressing his lips against each other, Hoseok gazed at him for a while before replying.

“Hyungwon. You might not believe me, but you’re the only person I’ve ever loved, and maybe the only one I’ll ever love. So… no, I’m not dating anyone. I just have a very early appointment tomorrow, so I can’t stay.”

The orangish bleached light, from the lamp post over their heads, made Hyungwon into a perfectly crafted baroque sculpture; the man was every form of art combined in just one soul, Hoseok could admire him forever. The younger stared at him for a long time, sort of incapable of saying anything else. Leaving was for the best.

“Goodnight, Hyungwon.”

 

 

“What the fuck, Hyungwon? You almost broke my arm!”

The urge to break the whole fucking pub bathroom was getting stronger at every second.

Who the fuck did Hoseok thought he was to say those things to him and just fuck off, like it’s something he says everyday? The empty spot on the sidewalk, where the crimson-haired stood before, made him question himself if all of that hadn’t been just a dream, like the others.

It wasn’t. So, as the protocol in his head demanded, he dragged Kihyun to some place he could vent about that shit.

“I was a fucking idiot and he fucking said he loves me, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? WITH HIM?”

Hyungwon’s outburst made his friend squint his eyes, as if to check if what he was seeing was real.

“Fuck, I- I don't- you’re still in love with him, you know that, so do something about it. I don’t know now that he might be dating that-”

“He said isn’t dating anyone. That I’m- That I’m-” _Don’t fucking cry._ “I’m the only one- That he always loved me…”

It was stupid to think he’d be able to control the tears making a mess of his face.

“Hey, hey.” Both of his friend’s hand enfolded his face. “It’s okay, I got you. Breathe with me, okay? No hurry.”

Hyungwon’s entire body flinched when the bathroom’s door swung open.

“Wonnie? What happened?”

Minhyuk got to him so fast he almost flew.

“What do I do, Minhyuk?” He was sobbing so much he had to make a pause. “I don’t want… I don’t think I can trust him again, but…”

The dark-haired man smiled at him. “It’s okay, Wonnie. You don’t have to figure it out now. Let’s just go home.”

 

 

The image of Hyungwon staring at him as if the younger didn’t have one single bone of belief inside him haunted Hoseok’s mind that night. So, of course, he spent the rest of his day dozing off in all the meetings he had; fortunately, he didn’t have any patients to meet that day. Considering the events of the night before, he didn’t know how to act or how to feel about it; was Hyungwon… jealous? The stupidly in love and illogical part of his brain wished the younger was, but maybe it was time to stop hoping for the other man to have a change of heart, to stop wishing that maybe… maybe they could be together again. It was still hard to lead a life knowing he couldn't have Hyungwon anymore, but if that made him happy, Hoseok was okay too. In the long run, his life seemed pretty much the same it was at that point; the only thing that is constant is change, of course, and he desired that one of those could be a self-forgiveness, little by little. A hard task, for sure, but making amends with his mind was something he felt that he owed himself; one day, Hoseok would be able to say with certainty that he was going to be fine, that things would be okay even if it hurt. Regardless of all the people in his life, the only person he’d be with until his last breath it’d be himself, and no healthy way to live included an eternal stay on a pair of scales between hostility and freedom.

Something just didn’t make sense in the bigger picture of what happened, though.

Why the hell did the man thought Hoseok was dating someone that wasn’t him? Even if he wanted to, no one was Hyungwon, no matter how much Hoseok would like to pretend they were. The space he occupied in the older’s heart couldn’t be removed or replaced; perhaps, one day, after a long time, Hoseok would manage to start moving on, but that wasn’t the moment he was planning to do it. A lot of things remained to be fixed, and his (deceased) love life wasn’t a matter of much importance.

A polite knock on his door broke through the silence of his office, but he didn’t bother to lift his head to answer it; the faster he’d be done with that paperwork, sooner he could be at home playing with his cat, because that was basically his life in a nutshell. Adulting, as Changkyun liked to say, at its best.

“Come in.”

Carefull footsteps progressed towards his desk, then stopped.

“Hmm… Hi.”

Could Hoseok be delirious? Possibly. But he perked up and blinked once, twice, three times; Hyungwon was still there, scarf covering half of his face.

“Hi… Something happened?”

His semblant turned into a bewildered one.

“Why does everyone think something bad happened when I show up to visit?”

“Oh. Sorry, it’s just… I didn’t expect. Is this about-”

“Are you busy?”

The question was so sudden that his brain almost fried.

“No- Not really. Why?”

Crossing his arms, the younger cleared his troat, as if he was considering what to actually say.

“I’m going to that amusement park in Hongdae. Do you have the polaroid camera with you here?”

“Oh, yeah, in my backpack. Do you want to borrow it?”

“I was… I think- I thought that, if you’re not busy, you could… you could come too. I don’t take pictures too well and…”

A smile spread through his face before Hoseok could stop himself.

“I’ll go with you. I just have to go home first to feed Bong Cha, if you don’t mind.”

“No problem.”

 

 

Almost half hour later, Hyungwon was trying to find a good spot in the parking lot in front of the overloaded amusement park; it was a goddamn Friday, after all. Maybe he had really lost his mind, but now it was too late to stop his stupid self to not gravitating towards his ex.

Was that a mistake? For sure. But he had already covered himself in a pile of shit the night before, so why not to go all the way down? And in his defense, Hyungwon really wanted to go to that park for a long time, he just didn’t have the courage to go to an unknown place alone. In the back of his head, he could hear Kihyun’s voice saying he was a fucking idiot. He couldn't argue with that, anyway.

Hoseok didn’t take any more than 10 minutes at his house, but came back with a thicker coat and a pair of gloves; the latter which he oddly put inside the pocket of his coat. The man currently had a flyer on his hand while waited for the younger to catch up to him; a small map of the place, so they could know the right way to each ride inside there. When he spotted Hyungwon, he handed the paper to him, seeming kind of nervous by the way he spoke after that.

“Just… let’s walk for a while. Do you have any… preference or-”

“Not really.” With the raven-haired's reply, there was it: the freaking smile that turned the world upside down. “Whatever is- is fine.”

“Hmm… Okay.”

Children yelling and lots of chatting in the distance, the metallic sound of the rides all the way up and all the way down and the smell of different foods were almost at the reach of his hand, only a few meters away. As much as he wanted to use that opportunity to finally decide how he could move on without Hoseok in his love life, Hyungwon couldn’t deny he was sort of excited for being there because of the park itself. As a kid, he only went to places like that twice in his life; one time with Kihyun and their friends, and a second time when he spent no more than 15 minutes inside the venue, for fear his parents would find out he was there doing… well, what kids like him shouldn't do, according to them.

_Dipshits._

Checking on Hoseok on his peripheral vision, the man walked a bit behind him, as if he was giving him a space Hyungwon didn’t actually required, but in the end was a good move.

One feet ahead to cross the street, a loud thud coming from a rollercoaster ahead of him; laughs and screams blended together in a really funny way that it was like he imagined his friends would react to that. The wind swept fast in front of him; his body once going forward now was pushed back.

Wide, scared eyes now were in front of him; an arm wrapped around his arm now losen up a bit, once certain no damage had been done to him.

“Holy shit, are you okay?” Hoseok checked him from head to toe. “Are you hurt? Didn’t you see that car? It could-”

“I…” Casting his eyes down to his hands, Hyungwon noticed they were trembling like crazy. Staring at the older again, he still didn’t know what to say. “I’m… fine. I’m fine.”

Hoseok nodded, letting go of his arm. The man still didn't seem like he calmed down.

“Sure. Okay. Yeah, let’s go.”

Slightly behind him, while he waited for Hyungwon’s directions, the older started taking pictures of some kid on a carousel, waving back when the child waved at him. After the instantaneous picture came out, the man ran to give it to the girl’s mother, bowing down a little.

_Fucking hell, can he not do these things, like, adorable things?_

Running back to him, the crimson-haired had an apologetic face. “Sorry. The kid was too cute. Did you decide where you want to go?”

It was a dick move what he was about to do? Yeah. But Hoseok wasn’t going to comply, so it was all good, he had nothing to worry about. No guilt.

“There.” He pointed his finger up.

“The ferris wheel?”

“Yeah. The view from there must be really cool. You don’t have to go if you don’t-”

“No, no. No, we can- we can go. I- I mean, if you want, I can- We can go.”

Adjusting the polaroid camera on his hand, Hoseok eyed the giant wheel again.

_What is he doing?_

“You’re acrophobic, Hoseok. Just give me the cam-”

All the color from the older’s face slowly disappeared, but the man was marching in the giant ride’s direction. For a second, Hyungwon stood there looking at the fucking idiot as if the man had 2 heads.

_Well, fuck it._

They were entering their cabin when Hoseok seemed to hesitate for the first time. Hyungwon felt like a really bad person for wanting to laugh at that, phobias weren’t funny, he reminded himself, but the man's fearful determination was almost comical.

Sitting on the opposite side of the crimson-haired man, the see-through metal box didn’t take it too long to start moving. Hoseok clung to the edges of his seat as if his life depended on it; for him, it kind did.

Hearing his heavy breath, Hyungwon finally craned his head up to take a good look at him.

Eyes tightly shut and letting out small cursings, Hoseok tried to soothe his respiration.

“Hoseok.”

A reply came without eye contact. “Hmm?”

“Why did you come here if you’re scared to death?”

“You wanted- To take pictures here.” A quick movement in the cabin almost made the man yell.

_Hyungwon, you asshole, don’t laugh._

“Well, that’s kind of impossible with you… like that. Gimme the camera.”

Eyes still close, Hoseok passed the device to the younger man.

His back and forth pacing, inside that small space, was what made the crimson-haired snap out of his panic.

“Sit down, Hyungwon! You can- You can get hurt, you should be sitting.

“Said who?” Getting closer to the glass wall, the taller man lifted his arms to find a good angle from the gray and pinkish skies ahead of him. “Oh! I think it I did it well.” Waiting a few moments for the image to show up in the piece of paper, Hyungwon walked towards Hoseok’s seat. “What do you think?”

Seconds later, the older finally opened his eyes to grab the polaroid from his hands. Smiling, Hoseok inspected the photo.

“Yeah, came out really good. And you said-”

Hearing the click of the camera for the second time, the man looked up fast at Hyungwon, that had another picture being formed in his hands.

“Take it. You didn’t seem too miserable, so at least it isn’t totally a shitty moment.”

It felt like Hyungwon had been doing that since forever; every giggle the man displayed to the world was registered, somehow, inside his mind, and now, on the polaroid picture he took on the exact moment he saw Hoseok smiling. Much to his benefit, the wheel halted midway, making him to retreat back to his seat.

“Oh shit.” Pushing his legs against his chest made the man seem like a child. “Does this really happen, like… How much until-”

“I don’t know. It’s the first time I enter one of these.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Life and other things…”

He looked mortified. “Sorry if I’m ruining it, I’ll just stay quiet so enjoy… the view.”

He made it really hard for Hyungwon not to find him cute. Which might explain what he did next.

“Move.” Before the older could protest, he was already pushing him aside to give him space to sit beside the other man. “At least open your eyes for 5 seconds for this selfie.”

Hoseok gazed at him as if he just had told him he murdered a puppy.

“As… you wish.”

As he extended his hand up to position the camera, Hyungwon just had the insight that those things — them, being close like that — were becoming way more frequent than he intented it to be. He’d chastisize himself later about that, so fuck it.

With Hoseok giving one of those smiles that almost made his eyes turn into a straight black line, they blended with the shy sunlight disappearing in the background; the younger just did a peace sign in front of his face, but it came out really well. Not even if someone had taken the picture for them it’d have came out better than that.

“Thank you.”

“No problem, the picture is really-”

“Not that.” He spoke quicker than the usual, but if he didn’t, Hyungwon wouldn’t be able to spill it. “Earlier. Thanks for… well, not letting me being hit by a car. For that.”

“Oh.” The Ferris Wheel started moving again, and Hoseok kind of yelped. “Don’t fret. I’m glad you’re okay. And… you were right, about yesterday.”

Not a single muscle of Hyungwon’s body dared to move.

“What?”

Hoseok's big brown pools almost looked inside his soul.

“I was doing that, again. Leaving. I was going to stay for a bit, but…”

“What?”

Diverting his eyes to the floor, he continued. “You were having fun with the boys, laughing and all. It’s awkward when I’m around, and I didn’t want to ruin it, just for once.”

His brain went completely blank. It was complicated to even remember his name.

“You should talk with Kihyun.”

Hoseok frowned. “But he… well, he’s not enthusiastic about me, I guess.”

“It’s bullshit. He just hates to admit a defeat. Once, he didn’t talk with me for a week because I said the Mirotic is DBSK’s best album when it was released and his favorite is the O Jung Ban Hap, but he did agree with me in the end.”

“So, he always was… angry like that since forever, I see.”

A nod from the taller man.

“He scared the living shit out of people in high school. His temper actually got better, believe it or not. Still threatens to kill people, but he kinda forgets it, so it gets boring.”

Hoseok’s laugh filled the small cabin, who reached the final stop. The air inside there tasted like candy.

“Oh, thank God.” The older man almost ran out of the ferris wheel, holding onto a metal bar ahead of the entrance. “I love the ground so much, thanks universe for gravity.”

 

The walked around for about an hour, not really engaging in another ride, but rather taking a few pictures Hyungwon thought it’d come out nice. The locale was, indeed, bigger than Hyungwon expected to be, and not even almost being pushed back and forth, by children and parents trying to keep up with them, made him find that unpleasant. Already a bit tired, he optioned for them to stop for a while and eat something.

Hoseok found a table for them when the younger returned from one of the food trucks around, with a plate full of food in his hands.

Putting the tray in front of them, he sat down on the opposite chair. “They didn’t have lots of options, so…”

“It’s okay.” As he trying to reach out for a sandwich, the older talked again. “Hyungwon, wait!”

The raven-haired’s hand stopped on the way to his mouth, speaking louder than he intended to. “What?”

“You can’t eat that.” Hoseok took the food out of his hand as if it was toxic. He proceeded to open the sandwich, afterwards. “Peanut. You’re allergic. Didn’t you bite it, right?”

“No.”

_How the hell didn’t I pay attention that? And more important, how the hell did he noticed that?_

“Okay. Stay here, I’ll get another thing for you to eat.”

Not even waiting for a response, the crimson-haired got up and went back to the food truck behind them. To escape the stupid thoughts trying to invade his brain ready for a feast, Hyungwon went to check the pictures they took that day.

One from the entrance of the park, dozens of people walking around in different directions; one of a colorful cotton candy machine, the biggest Hyungwon had ever seen; one photo of himself, looking up at one of the rides, taken by Hoseok when he wasn’t looking — fuck him and his good photography skills, the younger couldn’t even get pissed at that intrusion. Then the polaroid where he captured Hoseok smiling… he was so silly, there was nothing to be so happy about, it was just a poor captured sunset, and yet… there it was, one of the true smiles. The photo of them together seemed weird, by the way. The Hyungwon from one year before would kick Present Hyungwon in the face if he could see himself in that situation.

His past self could be assured of one thing: he didn't forget, how could he? All of those minutes, hours, days and months in pain weren’t gone just as if an eraser was passed all over it; he never could be that man again, not even if he wanted to. With that, also came the fact that Hoseok and him could never have the same relationship they once did. It’d be like abandoning the part of him that saved Hyungwon, in order to fullfil a wish of other side of him that wanted to quit that bullshit and try again; as much as he still loved him, the things that man did, no, what Hoseok _chose_ to do about their lives still hurt too much to be ignored.

For a while, he thought that it wouldn’t take too long for him to overcome all the crap he went through, for the cards were on the table and nothing was missing; his stupid parents were the ones who decided to fuck him up for good, after all. However, about one thing Hoseok was right: everytime he looked at the older man, Hyungwon was reminded of the tears, the loneliness, the feeling of being so goddamn unwanted that even himself wanted to escape his body. The crimson-haired man was a walking exemplar of the crappy best-seller of his life.

Could someone become claustrophobic inside their own skin?

“Here.” The serene impact of the plate on the table scared Hyungwon more than it should, making him jump a little. The other man retreated immediately, as if he had damaged something. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I got… Distracted. Take it.” He handed Hoseok the picture he took of him on the cabin, as he got up. “I have to go. Thanks for… coming with me.”

The older frowned so cutely it was hard, very hard, to hold his hands back and not touch the man.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m just tired. Do you want me to drop you off first?”

“No, I’m good. It seems like it isn’t going to snow today, so I’ll walk back home.”

Jesus Christ, he was damn insane, no other explanation was possible. Who the fuck _likes_ walking? In the _cold_? Well, if he died from that, they couldn’t blame Hyungwon, because he did warn the man.

“You live on the other side of the city, Hoseok. Take a bus, a cab, I don’t know.”

Propping up his chin with his elbow, on the table, the older man smirked at him.

_Good Lord._

“Is that an order?” His voice reached that low tone that did illegal things to Hyungwon’s entire body; that one he used when they were… Yeah.

Out of spite and to try to regain his dignity, he replied. “Yes.”

Another smirk. _Goddamnit._

“As you wish, I will.”

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[07:35 pm]_

**wolf pupy** : hoseoks funeral is tomorrow at 9am pls rsvp

 **maknae** : WHAT IS IT KIHYUN IS STILL TEXTIN HYNGWON HE AINT TELLING ME SHIT

 **wolf pupy** : WE GOT A DATE

 **baby honey** : all of us?

 **loveliest bear** : my child DON’T

 **wolf pupy** : WONSEOK WENT ON A DATE I CANT STOP SCREAMING

 **wolf pupy** : hoseok said “it wasnt a date just an occasion” but who cares

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : TELL ME EVERYTHING I TURNED DYNAMIC DUO OFF FOR THIS

 **wolf pupy** : ya kno what happened yesterday and shit when hoseok told the only person he ever loved was wonnie amirite

 **maknae** : i didnt bc yall hyungs hate me but now i kno go on

 **wolf pupy** : SO WONNIE SHOWED UP IN HIS OFFICE AND ASKED IF HE COULD GO WITH WONNIE tO THIS AMUSEMENT PAAARRRRK

 **wolf pupy** : HE TOOK A PICTURE OF HOSEOK ON THE FERRIS WHEEL THE MANS SOUL LEFT HIS BODY AINT RETURNED

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : IM CLEANING UP A PLACE IN THE SHELF FOR MY DAESANG THIS YEAR

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : MY GAYS I LOVE MY STORY SO MUCH LOOK AT THESE DORKS

 **maknae** : wait ferris wheel??????/ how is hyung still alive more important how did he managed to go up there

 **loveliest bear** : hed do anything for hyungwon you know that

 **maknae** : yea but liek LIMITS

 **its possible i was wrong** : boy. hyungwon almost died 2x today if it wasnt for hoseok

 **maknae** : whAT

 **its possible i was wrong** : the idiot almost got hit by a car bc he wasn’t payin attention and almost something with peanut

 **its possible i was wrong** : evn i wouldnt have noticed the sandwich thing probably

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : hoseok hyung is the best lead character ive ever written istg

 **baby honey** : hes a real person stfu @itspossibleiwaswrong is hyungwon okay

 **its possible i was wrong** : yea he kinda………………. sounds………. not miserable….. cheerful????

 **its possible i was wrong** : boy. they took a selfie together. I cANT

 **wolf pupy** : I KNO BUT HYUNGWON KEPT IT SO HOSEOK COULDNT SHOW ME SEND THE SCREENSHOT YOO KIHYUN OR ILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS

_its possible i was wrong sent a screenshot._

**baby honey** : MY FUCKING HEART TOO ADORABLE LOOK AT HOSEOKS SMILEEEEEE

 **loveliest bear** : i love SOULMATES who were made for EACH OTHER

 **wolf pupy** : im cryingggggg i miss them tohgether so muchhhb

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : so…… I guess its TIME™ for us to start helping these lovebirds rite

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : we gotta make dem SITUATIONS for them to casually end up alone together imma get my cliches book

 **its possible i was wrong** : hyungwon just sent me a smiley emoji again im terrified lets do this asap

 **wolf pupy** : u gotta make amends w hoseok hyung first tho @itspossibleiwaswrong

 **baby honey** : yea itd kinda help

 **its possible i was wrong** : ughhhhh the things i do for this family is fucking unbelievable

 

 

December had almost a foot inside his life when the snow outside became harsher. Hoseok couldn’t walk home most of the days because he, despite of his high imunity to the cold, would freeze before reaching half of the way. The bus it was warm, at least.

Bong Cha ran towards his legs as soon as he got home — Mondays were the days Hoseok usually bought new food for her, she’d always be more excited those times. After dropping the grocery bags in his kitchen and feeding his cat, he, last, dropped his body on his couch, wishing he'd never have the need to get up again. Exhaustion wasn’t even close to describe how he was feeling; his patients, research and the community work wore out every atom he had in him. That was mainly the reason why he whined so loud when his doorbell rang.

Rubbing his face with his hands to try to seem less like shit, Hoseok dragged his body to the front door.

“Move.”

He wasn’t given time to actually move out of the way, because Kihyun pushed past him and entered his apartment in a blink of an eye.

Slowly closing the door behind him, Hoseok decided to calmly follow the younger man inside his kitchen; he pondered again if that was the day he was getting murdered. If so, he was already tired, so it wouldn't take long.

“Well… Hi. Can I…”

Still with his back facing the older, Kihyun nodded for him to keep going. The brown-haired opened and close most of the cabinets of his kitchen, looking for God knows what. Moments later, he eyed the grocery bags on the counter.

“Oh, you bought new stuff, it should do.”

“Kihyun?”

“Yeah?”

“Did… something happened?”

“No. I’m going to cook.”

Again: would that be how he’d die?

“May I ask… why?”

Massaging his temples with his fingers, the younger huffed before answering. “I’m trying to apologize here, okay? Just take it the easy way, or you’ll take it the hard way.”

Even when he was being nice, he sounded menacing. That was beyond terrific.

“You don’t have to… apologize. Sorry I couldn’t go to your birthday, by the way.”

“Yoongi told me about the reunion thing, his friend is dating that clumsy giant now and stuff." Creating a small silence, Kihyun finished his thoughts. "You were right, by the way.”

Sitting down in one of the chairs on his kitchen’s table, Hoseok instigated the conversation. “About what?”

“I would've done the same. About Hyungwon. I mean, I would’ve break that woman’s legs and arms first, but I would’ve done the same.” The other man finally looked up at him. “It’s my job to protect him, so of course I would.”

“I see…”

“I fought with those assholes a lot before.” Picking up one of the grocery bags, Kihyun picked up a pan with his free hand. “One time they wanted to forbid Hyungwon to hang out with me, so I set fire to one of their cars. I should’ve poisoned them when I had the chance, though.”

The man told that with such composed expression it could scare the shit out of Satan.

“Holy shit, Kihyun.”

“Don’t worry, no one was inside of it. But they stopped bothering me, after that. Hyungwon thought it was fucking funny, by the way.”

Hoseok snorted. “You two are really something.”

Walking to the table, the younger man sat down in front of him. “So, who the fuck is Jisung, by the way?”

_Wait, what?_

“Where the hell did that come from? Jisung is-”

Kihyun rolled his eyes. “The polaroid, imbecile. You wrote on it. 'Jisung has shitty skills' or something.”

Oh. But wait… “Hyungwon showed you those?”

“Of course, if he didn’t I would’ve thrown him to the clown in the sewer. Now, answer.”

“Jisung is my childhood friend.”

“So, you’re dating him now.”

“No! God, why do you all think that? He’s going to propose to his girlfriend next week, he asked me for help to choose a place and a ring. Why would I date anyone else?”

“Because that’s what people do, hyung. So, you’re like, still single…”

“Did you just… _hyung_ me?”

Hoseok couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. It felt like another part of his life was going the right way again.

“Don’t overreact it, I’m just polite. You were born first, that's it.”

“I love Hyungwon, how could I date anyone else?" Kihyun inspected him carefully. "So yes, I’m still single.”

Carefully considering the words that came out of Hoseok’s mouth, the brown-haired nodded again. The stare was brief, but he seemed satisfied with the result.

“Move your ass, you’re helping me with the vegetables.”

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[09:45 pm]_

_its possible i was wrong_ _changed his nickname to: “salty and s*ft”_

 **baby honey** : what now

 **wolf pupy** : u made hoseok cry again u fucker ily]

 **salty and s*ft** : the fuck is wrong w him

 **wolf pupy** : he loves u

 **loveliest bear** : and hes a pisces

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : yall really should stop coming here without explainin shit BECAUSE YALL MAKE ME YELL FOR ANSWERS

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : are u finally on the wonseok squad™ kihyun hyung

 **salty and s*ft** : yea hoseok is an idiot

 **wolf pupy** : I

 **wolf pupy** : AM

 **wolf pupy** : ALIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 **loveliest bear** : THIS IS OUR MOMENT

 **salty and s*ft** : hyung pls dump minhyuk’s ass you’re getting loud liek him

 **wolf pupy** : how dare u

 **wolf pupy** : but what do we do now we gotta SCHEM

 **maknae** : gunhee come out

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : SO GAYS I HAVE THE FIRST IDEA BC IM THE WONSEOK WRITER AS YALL KNO

 **loveliest bear** : we know that youre insane, keep going

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : the jealousy, the drunk part and the saving from getting hit by a car are done so next is

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : we gotta get hyungwon to see hoseok shirtless its for science

 **loveliest bear** : boy they dated hyungwon saw it all already

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : don’t argue w the writer

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : now comes the one we love the most

 **maknae** : WHAT

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : get everybody in my house friday yall will see

 

 

From leaving his house in a cold ass night to being receptioned by a very disturbed Gunhee, Hyungwon’s night wasn’t being that much of fun, but he had it worse before. They were supposed to watch some corny ass shit drama Jooheon loved it — he tried to remember the name, but Minhyuk screamed so much when he dropped by to invite him that the raven-haired couldn’t register it.

“Hi, hyung, come in!”

With a long red parka on, the man let the door open for Hyungwon to shut it down. What followed that was a very quick speech, what rappers do.

“I gotta rescue the others, their dumb asses are stuck on Jooheon and Changkyun’s studio, they were coming together and the snow is craaaaazy. I’ll be back in 20, I think, bye hyung!”

Taking the keys out of his pocket in one go, the taller threw it at him.

“Take my car, idiot. The buses must be slow as fuck.”

“I love you! We’ll be back soon, but hyung is in the kitchen, so you won’t be alone. Bye!”

_Which hyung?_

“Wait, Gunhee who-”

The little shit left faster than Hyungwon had ever seen the man do it before, and even though it wasn’t actually to annoy him, it still did. No matter the situation, his friends never were clear enough about one single thing, for a change That’s how most of their stories that almost got them to jail started.

Gently placing his crossbody on the couch, his steps towards his friends’ kitchen were precisely calculated. Not that it was needed, but caution was a must-have in every moment of his life. Thanks to anxiety, his eternal companion since… well, birth. Can you imagine how crazy it would be living without worrying about every little thing? A great concept, but insubstantial.

Oh. That song. The one he used to... humm.

 _You used to be so cold_  
_But suddenly, you said something  
_ _that made my heart pound_

The wave that crashed against his skin, from his toes to his brain, solidified his muscles in a millisecond; Hyungwon was right about the jail possibility, because he already knew how he’d murder the rest of his friends for making him go through that — very grotesquely.

Hoseok didn’t seem to be aware of his presence, though. The man, who was cooking something the younger couldn’t tell what it was from distance, got very absorbed when he was in the kitchen, always did. A meteor could crash on the street outside and the older wouldn’t pay attention.

 _I think I’m falling for you_  
_Every time I breathe, I think of you_  
_My feelings for you might explode_  
_I might go crazy_

Why God decided, among all the 8 billion people in the world, to give that man the most beautiful broad shoulders in the planet? It just wasn’t right. To make things worse, Hoseok was a really good singer and a slight grin was fighting for a space in the younger’s mouth.

_Gunhee, you dead son of a bitch._

After a while, Hyungwon decided to let himself be noticed for the sake of his sanity — to avoid staring at the man’s back for too long, because he’d probably want to smash his head in the wall for that, later.

“Hmm… Hi.”

There wasn’t a movement coming from any limb of the older’s body once he heard Hyungwon’s voice. Slowly, he put down a knife and turned around.

It was so _illegal_ for him to look so _fine_ even with a dirty apron.

“H- Hi, hi Hyungwon. Where’s Gunhee? I mean, the others too.” He held back a chuckle at Hoseok’s woobly voice. “Oh, right, yeah, I can continue this later if you- if you want to stay, here, alone… I can take a walk and-”

_Lord which art in heaven, stop this level of cuteness I can’t handle._

“Chill, it’s fine. Gun went to get the others, so I’ll just… watch TV and not be a nuisance.”

Not helping his heart to calm down, the man almost pouted. “You’re not…”

“Yeah.” _Keep breathing Hyungwon, that’s cool and classy._ “I’ll watch TV.”

 

After an hour without a single update from his friends, Hyungwon knew he was being set up. The fucking audacity, the nerve, the goddamn disrespect to his entire existence as a friend, as a man, as a fellow South Korean. The knife he had been stabbed with pierced so deep it had reached the realm of his damn soul; that was the size of the damage his soon-to-be-deceased friends did to him. Laughs coming from the TV filled the background of his assassination plans, but were surpassed by Hoseok’s voice entering the living room.

“Hyungwon?”

Moving a bit to his left, to gaze at the older, the raven-haired blinked twice before answering. “Yeah?”

“I finished the… food. You can eat if you want, I think they’ll take too long. I’ll be leaving first.”

He did want to be in control of himself and not let it show how his face dropped, but Hyungwon accepted that his mortification wasn’t over yet. Mostly, because he didn’t want it to be.

“Eat first.” What the fuck was he doing? He shouldn’t, not in a 1000 years.

“It’s fine" A quick smile. "I’m not hungry. I have to wake up early because of the kids, so-”

“Kids?”

“Yeah.” With another swift smile, the older scratched his nape. “I’m working at an orphanage on the weekends, I talk with the kids and stuff… Nothing much.”

_Oh, for fuck’s sake._

The only thing he managed to do was nod. “Sounds nice.”

Already with his coat and scarf on, Hoseok strolled to the door, and Hyungwon still was trapped by his mind to that sofa. But what should he do, anyway? The guy wanted to leave, and it wasn’t like he kicked him out of there. Hyungwon was educated and said the older could eat first, so why on earth was Hoseok being so damn stubborn? Everything his manners required for him to do was done, so he had nothing to feel guilty about.

The quick way his legs got up the couch thought otherwise. The crimson-haired was already on the hall when he called for him the second time that night.

“Hoseok.”

Facing the younger, he put his hands on his coat’s pockets. “Yes?”

“Eat with me. I hate being alone in a house that isn’t mine. Please.”

The reply came with a shy grin. “Of course, as you wish.”

 

 

“We should’ve put that bug we put in the room when Kihyun and Changkyun were getting together.”

The brown-haired stopped sipping his Americano to glare at Minhyuk. “You did _what_?”

“You didn’t know?” The little shit even laughed. “I put one there before Hyungwon threw Kyunnie inside. We heard your chat until it got kinda gross when you two started making out.”

Jooheon had to physically hold his hyung down on his chair to prevent Minhyuk’s death.

“You absolute prick.”

Still chuckling, the dark-haired raised an eyebrow. “I was born first.”

“ _Hyung_ , you absolute prick.”

“YAH!” Gunhee’s yell echoed through the Café. “Can we focus on the decision if we should come back now or still wait a bit? I don’t know, maybe we have to hide Hoseok’s body if Hyungwon killed him, that kind of thing takes a couple of hours.”

From the other side of the table, Jooheon squinted at his boyfriend. “The fact that you know how much time it takes should concern me, Gunhee.”

“I think we should go.” Beside his boyfriend, Hyunwoo already stood up. “It’s cold and I want to eat Hoseok’s food.”

 

 

Quietly typing his apartment’s code on the lock, Jooheon opened the door, with the others behind him because, well, they were cowards. He also was, but his hyungs had quite a liking for him, so maybe they’d spare the younger.

The first voice he heard was a very heated one. Hoseok’s.

“But it’s still wrong! They only bought it last year, so it doesn’t add up!”

Hyungwon’s chuckle. “Of course it does. It’s like Princess Leia turning into a Disney princess when they bought Lucasfilm. If she is, Anastasia also is a Disney princess since Disney bought FOX, therefore, she _can_ be my favorite Disney princess.”

Signilizing for the others to tag along, the six men sauntered in the kitchen’s direction, only to find his friends surrounded by bowls and pans, alongside a few water glasses.

“Why not Moana? She’s also amazing and not a typical white girl, and she _is_ a Disney princess.”

“Moana isn’t a princess, Hoseok. She is a warrior chosen by the ocean to save her people. Anastasia is _literally_ a princess.”

“But!” As Hoseok threw his arms in the air in defeat, Minhyuk couldn’t hold back a chuckle, getting the crimson-haired hyung's attention. “Oh. Hi, guys.”

The creepy smile on Hyungwon’s face was terrifying.

“Hello, past companions.”

In front of Jooheon, his boyfriend sounded he was about to cry. “Yah, you two ate everything? I can’t believe it!”

“Don’t take 2 and a half hours to get back next time, little shit. You.” Pointing his finger at his best friend, the raven-haired clenched his jaw. “How dare you, you malfunctioning dumptruck!”

“Not my fault the snow was being a bitch today!” The older tried to defend himself, but he already looked too blameworthy. “You two ate the entire thing, I’m the one that should be pissed off!”

“That’s what all of you get for dumping us for 2 and a half hours!”

In the middle of Hyungwon’s argument, Hoseok laughed. The raven-haired eyed the man and that was it, he couldn’t be angry at them not even if he tried very hard. God bless Shin Hoseok's existence.

“I’d make you guys more, but I have to get up early tomorrow. Let’s reschedule, okay?” Hugging everyone but Hyungwon, to whom he just bowed to — the awkwardest moment of that night — Hoseok made his exit, but not before petting Minhyuk’s kitten, who was already enourmous, by the way. The white and orange animal turned into a large ball of fur with each passing day.

When he heard the click of the door closing, Minhyuk almost jumped on Hyungwon, that still sat on the table’s chair.

“SO! You didn’t kill him, so it was nice?”

The taller scoffed. “I know what you were trying to do, Lee Minhyuk. It’s not gonna work.”

“It kinda did, Turtle.” Resting his chin on Changkyun’s shoulder, the latter’s boyfriend snorted.

“It didn’t!” The man’s attempts to refute the situation was hilarious, at least to him. Wrapping his arms around Gun’s waist, he watched his hyungs yelling at each other.

“So, you guys seemed very friendly when we got here…” Gun’s voice seemed more thrilled when heard from so close. “How was it?”

Hyungwon didn’t seem pleased by question.

“It was just a goddamn dinner! What’s wrong with all of you?”

Causing Changkyun to laugh with his eye-rolling, Kihyun pointed at the man sitting down. “Your face is red as a tomato, boy.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened so fast it might as well have flown off his face. Lumbering out of the kitchen, the raven-haired grabbed his bag and bolted out of the apartment. His last words cracked them up even more.

“I hate all of you!”

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

_[12:24 am]_

**wolf pupy** : song gunhee u splendid son of a bitch

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **baby honey** : im still laughing at hyungwons face earlier

 **baby honey** : he was burning up lmao

 **maknae** : FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 **salty and s*ft** : it was worthy receiving 59 texts with different cursings on it

 **loveliest bear** : THEY WERE SO HAPPY YALL SAW THAT

 **salty and s*ft** : hyung bitch hoseok laughed and turtle turned into a puddle he cant do shit when that man is around smiling

 **wolf pupy** : im LIVING and LOVING my life

 **maknae** : minhyuk did hyung called u

 **wolf pupy** : yep 30 min on the phone of him sayin GOD HES SO CUTE I CnANT BELIEVE I SPENT TWO HOURS W HIM I LOVE YALL MY AMAZING DONGSAENGS

 **maknae** : how do this couple work its literally yin and yang

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : the tsundere and the cute kind one always work my gay

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : yall have any suggestion of whta to do next i have 1 but yall can say smth

 **wolf pupy** : LETS GO CLIUBBING

 **wolf pupy** : TOMORROW

 **wolf pupy** : I MEAN LATER BC ITS ALREADT STATURDAY

 **salty and s*ft** : bitch we broke

 **wolf pupy** : the emergency money™ is for that kind of shit

 

 

“No, Gunhee. I’m tired. And I want to read a new book I bought.”

In front of him, sitting on the floor, his younger friend put the biggest pout of his life on his face.

“But hyung, it’s a hella cool place and it just opened AND IT'S THE MOST GAY-LOOKING CLUB I'VE EVER LAID MY EYES ON!”

“You love us!” Beside him, on his own bed, Minhyuk clutched his arm like a toddler. “Who will be the responsible one if you’re not there, but to also have fun with your friends you love very much?”

Peeking at the older, over the lenses of his round glasses, only made Hyungwon scoff.

“You have too much confidence in how highly I regard you. I’d sell y’all to the devil for a bowl of chicken. And I didn’t forget about yesterday, fuckers.”

The oldest man huffed. “But did you die? Come on, it’ll be a good change of scenery!”

At some point, he had to admit he wouldn’t win that one. “If you get arrested, don’t expect me to bail you out.”

“Don’t worry, you always be included. A family that gets arrested together, stays together.”

Minhyuk’s smile was what worried him the most.

 

 

Inside his world view, clubs were places he actually didn’t loathe, but also weren’t quite his cup of tea. After a while, going to places you can’t easily find a place to sit becomes a very crestfallen activity. He was getting old and places were the music was so loud he could barely chat with people became less and less attractive.

What didn’t he do for those boys, though.

Hoseok’s day was incredibly tiresome; in the good way, though. He loved being with the children and, sometimes, he could help one of them; orphan kids usually don’t open up too easily, you see. After a while, the world doesn’t faze them in a way they could fully appreciate; they learn how to protect themselves when the knowledge about how efficient walls are gets to them at a very young age. After almost 2 months of going there, a few of them were getting used to his chats, but the process was long, and Hoseok could wait, always did.

In front of the club, Minhyuk, Jooheon, Changkyun and Kihyun waved at him.

“Hey. Where are the others?”

His best friend smirked at him. “Do you mean ‘where is Hyungwon’?”

Minhyuk was either a blessing or a pain in the ass, there was no inbetween.

“Fuck off. Where is your boyfriend?”

“Oh, he isn’t coming.” His face dropped a bit, but didn’t last long. “He had to stay til late at work. Gun went with Wonnie to buy his banana milk.”

Kihyun, leaning on his boyfriend's chest, facepalmed.

“I can’t believe I raised a kid that brings banana milk to a nightclub.”

“Yah! Some badmouthing me, Ratatouille’s evil twin.”

Craning his head to pursue Hyungwon’s voice, coming from his left side, he couldn’t help but smile. The taller man’s handsomeness wasn’t good for his heart, but it was always a very good way to almost die.

 

 

Hyungwon hated, with every atom of his body, that kind of environment. Would he be a bitch and ask his friends to get the fuck out of there and go somewhere they could sit and talk? Not really, because they were the majority there and, you know, democracy. Still, he did manage to find a small leather couch in the back of the club, far from the dance floor where his friends, except Hoseok who was MIA since they got in, were dancing like crazy. Sometimes, Hyungwon wished he had 1/3 of the boys’ energy just to be able to keep up. At least he could be the responsible and sober friend, avoiding their deaths or arrests, which could be a inconvenience.

Just as much as college parties, one of the bad things about parties was the people in it. The drunk people who thought it’d be a good idea to make a move on him, mainly.

“Hey.” _Oh no._  The guy who crashed beside him on the couch seemed to have swimmed in a pool of alcohol. “Are you alone here?”

“No. I’m with my friends.”

_God, give me patience or a free-pass to homicide._

“So, you’re not with anyone…” Hyungwon could hardly see the guy’s face, but he already didn’t like him. “Do you want to go somewhere with me?”

_Did they only have 1 pick-up line?_

“No, thanks. Have a good night.”

His arm was yanked back down to the couch as soon as he got up.

“What the fuck?”

The guy snickered at him. “Let’s goooooo. It’s better than here, no privacy.”

“Take your hands off me if you want to keep them.”

Roughly standing up, Hyungwon marched towards the bathroom, the only place he could identify in that mess of dim lights, because of the neon sign at the entrance. His fucking lungs were starting to act up; he couldn’t have it, not at that moment, so calming himself down and sticking with his friends was the night’s choice.

The problem with having people he didn’t know touching him was the feeling of little bugs crawling inside his body, even after the person was gone. His nails seeked his skin, wanting to open it up because that was the only way he could feel safe again, to save himself. In the loneliness of that bathroom, Hyungwon checked his face on the mirror and once more, didn’t know who he was seeing. Would it last forever, the feeling of not having a purpose, of not feeling like he wasn't meant to be almost anywhere? He couldn’t keep up being a burden forever, he had to adapt to those events that would happen again and again throughout his life. His friends were a huge part of how he pretended to keep living, and Hyungwon didn’t want to let them down, didn’t want to cause them to abandon him. The caution in every move he made only had this one goal.

Grabbing the sink with both hands, the raven-haired bend half of his body down to grasp for more air, to soothe his nerves.

It wasn’t helping.

Why did he have to be fucked up right at that second, when his friends were having fun and he should be with them? It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

“Hyungwon?”

His brain didn’t register that someone else entered the bathroom, but it was him, and that made Hyungwon less terrified.

The older furrowed his brows. “Are you okay?”

At that point, he couldn’t voice a single damn world without suffocating. Instead, he tried to use an old gesture that usually indicated that he was panicking.

Seeing the younger man stroking his throat with his hand, Hoseok understood it. As he got closer to him, his respiration got heavier.

“Can I touch you?”

The raven-haired nodded.

Entwining his fingers with Hyungwon’s, the man made their way out of the bathroom, wrapping an arm around the taller’s waist to avoid other people to bump into him. With all that disarray happening inside his chest, he didn’t even notice when Hoseok was pushing a metal door with his shoulder and a surge of fresh air hit his face, making him draw a shrill breath of relief. Once more, the older's tranquil voice.

“Breathe, just breathe, you’re safe now.”

Easier said than done. However, the tone of his voice was something to focus on.

“You’re okay.” A few centimers away from him, Hoseok kept caressing his cheek; Hyungwon forgot how good that felt. _Goddamnit_. “You’re okay. Feel.” Holding the younger's hand against his chest to keep Hyungwon from hurting himself, the other man looked up at him. “Feel my heartbeat. Listen, and breathe.”

Every single detail of his face was an oasis on Hyungwon’s desert life. The memories of running his fingers and lips across that man’s skin made Hoseok feel like home, like a fixed point in reality that drew him into it. His eyes began to water before he could get his shit together, but he kept feeling the Hoseok's heart beating, so close, so very close to him. A while ago, that only happened in one of his daily dreams.

After himself, the flood; the way he shoved himself against Hoseok’s chest and cried like a lost child would definitely destroy his dignity once and for all, but at that moment, Hyungwon didn’t care. His body missed the older’s so damn much that now the world felt a bit less of a wretched place to live in; that was what belonging felt like, no matter how much he would like to deny.

Minutes with Hoseok clasping him into his arms, repeating _“It’s okay, you’re okay”_ , made him calmer than he ever was in years.

“Are you better now?” After Hyungwon pulled back first, the younger wiped the dry tears off of his face.

“Yeah.” The raspy voice than came out of his throat, due the crying, was accompanied by a growing embarrassment. “Thanks.”

A weird moment followed that dialogue, still with Hyungwon staring at the ground.

“I’ll call a cab for you. I’ll tell the others you’re not feeling well.”

“No.” Yeah, Hyungwon was also wondering why the fuck he said that. No answer at that time, though. “You. Can you- Can- Can you come with me? I don’t- I don't want to be alone with… a stranger.”

Gathering courage, he raised his head to stare at Hoseok. The man shaked his head positively, grinning at him.

He really should stop the smile thing, for the sake of mankind.

Once the car stopped in front of Hyungwon’s building, his voice, at least, didn’t tremble like a leaf anymore. The younger moved forward on his seat in Hoseok's direction, before getting out.

If his disgrace was already astronomical, why not make it worse, right?

So he did hug Hoseok for the second time, trying not to make it too stiff.

With arms still around the older’s neck, he muttered his message. “Don’t walk back home. Thank you.”

 

 

Turtle:

_YOO KIHYUN YOU DRUNK SON OF A BITCH U WONT BELIEVE IT_

Turtle:

_IM SCREAMING IN MY PILLOW PLS ANSWER ME_

Turtle:

_THIS IS A VENDETTA FOR THE VIRGINITY THING RIGHT? YOU FUCKING PETTY BITCH_

 

 

Seokkie Hyung:

_I SWEAR TO GOD IN HEAVEN THAT THIS IS THE SECOND BEST DAY OF MY LIFE_

Seokkie Hyung:

_BC THE BEST DAY WAS WHEN I MET HYUNGWON_

Seokkie Hyung:

_PLS ANSWER MY CALLS FFS_

 

_“YO, HYUNG, WHERE AAAAAAREEE YOUUUU?”_

Hoseok could smell the alcohol through the phone screen.

“Go to somewhere quieter, I need to tell you SOMETHING!”

 _“SHIT!”_ Remarkably, the man seemed to sober up just with a few words. _“Okay, okay, it’s good to hear here, SPILLLLLLL.”_

“HYUNGWON HUGGED ME 2 TIMES I SHIT YOU NOT MINHYUKKIE I WANT TO SCREAM BUT ITS 02:00 AM MY NEIGHBOURS WILL KILL ME.”

 _“BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTCHHHHHHHHHH IM COMING OVERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! WAIT!”_ Mumbling in the background was the only thing he heard now _. “WE ALL COMING OVERRRRRRRR!”_

 

“Hyung, you’re coming toooooo much for my gig.” A drunk Kihyun laid on his couch, on top of a passed out Changkyun when he handed the man a glass of water. “But I’m glad, you were there for him.”

He couldn’t help but smile at the younger. “No problem, Kihyun-ah.”

“HYUNG!” Minhyuk’s yell almost made him trip on his center table.

“Keep it down, Lee Minhyuk. It’s almost 03:00 am.”

“But I can’t find that shirt of yours I likeeeeeeeee.”

That man was a gem. Chuckling, he went back to his bedroom where Minhyuk was going to sleep with Jooheon and Gun.

“It’s on the laundry basket, I’ll get it, now go to bed.”

“But hyuuuuuuung… I can sleep on the flooooorrr, don’t wooooorry.”

“If you don’t go to bed, I won’t tell you shit anymore once you’re sober.”

The younger pouted, stomping off to bed. “You’re mean. Bad hyung, baaaad.”

 

 

Rolling back and forth in bed, with no sleep available for him, only one thought crossed Hyungwon’s mind and remained still.

“I need new friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE FLIRTING IS COMING MFS
> 
> yall seeing the WJSN promo pics for the comeback? IM LIVING i love the inventors of magic and shit my 13 daughters
> 
> anyways, sorry for makin hoseok almost cry bc of the height thing
> 
> thank for the v nice comments i dont deserve yall. see yall next week, kids


	15. In The Time Spent With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OH BABY ITS YOUUUUUUUU  
> ije sijagiya muhane na donge cheoeumgwa seoui kkeut jjokbuteo OOOOOOOOOOOO  
> bicheun amheuk sok peojil surok ganghaejyeo ga nuneul tteo bwa o  
> jeomjeom keojyeoga naui noraega bwatni tteugeopgo teojildeuthan segye  
> deullini urineun hanaga dwae  
> BABY I DONT WANT NOBODY BUT YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello gays its me ya girl
> 
> lots of things happen? a long ass ride as always  
> only 4 chapters left to write and imma already emo but thats for later  
> vromance released a new song pls support my boys
> 
> [the title is the name of a Heize song]
> 
> enjoy (or not)

“Are you betraying your own people by denying Park BoGum’s bisexuality in Moonlight Drawn By Clouds, inside my own house?”

Raising his head from the table he currently rested it on, Gun scoffed at Minhyuk’s statement.

“Hyung, I’m not betraying anyone. But you do have to accept that things were pretty sketchy around the question if he knew the girl was, indeed, a _girl_ , when he fell in love with her. It’s totally different, for example, from Li Shang, who was clearly an iconic bisexual because you can see he had the hots for Mulan even when he thought she was a guy. And we’re in a coffee shop, ain’t your house.”

The older man almost squawked on the chair in front of him, beside Jooheon who didn’t give a flying fuck about what they were arguing about, very much dozing off.

“But Bogum’s character did care a lot about the girl even when he thought she was only a eunuch! He saved her from drowning and he was like, THE Crown Prince! That’s virtually gay, Gunhee.”

“He kinda recognized her in that dance scene, though.”

“Give me a damn break, Song Gunhee! I’ll tell Hoseok hyung you’re doing Park Bogum dirty like this.”

Almost automatically, Gunhee gasped melodramatically, just to add strength to the scene.

“How dare you threaten me like this… me, the proudest bisexual alive… _Fine_ , I’ll agree with the Moonlight Drawn By Clouds thing, but don’t bring up Park Hyungsik’s character in Strong Woman Do Bong Soon because that was a goddamn queerbaiting.”

“Bitch, of course. Where are the others, by the way? Wonnie called us here and yet, he’s late.”

The dark-haired’s statement summoned the wrong person; the 3 of them almost shrieked at the man’s sudden voice.

“Jesus, it’s too early for you two to be yelling about TV dramas.”

“Good God in heaven.” Jooheon brought a hand to his chest, probably to check if his heart still beat. “Do you have to appear outta nowhere, Kihyun hyung?”

Before an apology, a chuckle. “Sorry, Joohoney. Where’s the rest of the losers?”

“Oh.” Gun’s boyfriend looked up at Kihyun again, with an answer. “Kyun and Hyunwoo can’t come because of work, and Hyungwon hyung said he was on his way, like, 10 minutes ago, so we can expect him to be here in 40 minutes.”

Ruffling Jooheon’s hair, that now had a golden tone, the man proceeded to sit next to Gunhee. Minhyuk was now the one to be directly questioned by the brown-haired man.

“And Hoseok hyung?”

Letting out an unnecessary sigh, the oldest man in the table replied.

“He isn’t feeling well, like… he said he just needs some rest. I’ll drop by later.”

All the molecules in Gunhee’s body had to contain itselves to not mention a possible opportunity for the nation’s couple. His boyfriend seemed to have read his mind.

“ _Don’t_ , Gun. I don’t know, I have this weird feeling about today.”

Changkyun’s boyfriend giggled. “And I thought Minhyuk was the psychic of this group.”

Any other topic was forgotten at Minhyuk’s yell. “Hyungwon is here!”

Eyeing his boyfriend again, Gun could see that the man was exhausted. In the past 24 hours, he hardly saw the younger sleep; once Jooheon focused on doing something, not finishing it was a ghastly torture. No one worked harder than Jooheon for them to be able to give the next step in their careers; he was worried, though, because not even if he said that his boyfriend should take a break, the latter wouldn’t listen. It wouldn’t be a surprise if the man spent the entire weekend working, at home. At least, it was Friday, and things are always better on Fridays.

“Hello, barbarians.” Dropping his crossbody on the table, Hyungwon fetched a chair from another table to join them.

Kihyun was the first to question his best friend. “Care to say why am I wasting my afternoon here?”

“Oh, it will be quick.” Crossing his legs, Hyungwon stole a sip of Jooheon’s coffee before continuing; the latter didn’t notice. “Just wanted to say that my Christmas present came early this year. All your college loans are paid, so you are all welcome.”

Someone needed to reboot Gun, because his operating system just crashed and burned for goddamn good.

Jooheon stared at his hyung like the man just said he had been a North Korean spy that entire time. “What?”

Not really paying attention to their shocked faces, his raven-haired hyung pulled his phone out of the pocket of his coat before speaking again.

“You can call your banks to confirm it, but I’m not lying. Anyways, what are you guys having? I’m thirsty-”

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?”

It wasn’t a surprise, but everybody in that table flinched hard at Kihyun’s shout, that attracted the looks of every single person in that shop. His blood froze almost instantaneously at the sight of a furious Kihyun, which was one of the things Gunhee feared the most in the world —  along with sea monsters. If the man was a cartoon character, Kihyun would have a lot of smoke coming out of his ears.

Hyungwon didn’t follow, furrowing his brows. “Why the hell are you shouting at me?”

In some notion of self-preservation, the taller man hauled his seat back a bit. The brown-haired’s anger didn’t seem it was going to disappear any time soon.

“How _much_ , Hyungwon? How much did you spend on this?”

“Wel… millions of won, you know.”

“You already donated almost your entire money last month, and now you’re trying to go bankrupt? What the fuck are you doing? Did we ask for this?”

Exchanging an encouraging look with his boyfriend, Gun pleaded for him to intervene and say something. The oldest in the table seemed terrified and he was a coward, so the younger rapper it was.

“Hyung…” Jooheon’s tone was lower than the usual, of course. It seemed like he was trying to meddle a fight between tigers. “He was just-”

“No, Jooheon, that’s not it.” A quick movement in his chair and Kihyun was now fully facing his best friend. “How much do you have left, for real?”

It took a while, but Hyungwon did get to the mad phase. “Why the hell does it matter? I don’t care about mo-”

“Oh, blow me, Chae Hyungwon.” Slamming a hand on the table and making them all squeal again, Kihyun pointed an accusative finger to his face. “Everybody cares about money, that’s we stay alive. So why you don’t care about your needs? Why does it always seem like you’re still trying to buy our friendship, boy? I’ve been in your life for almost 20 years and you still have the need to prove yourself?”

_Oh shit. Jooheon was right about the bad feeling._

Finally, Hyunwoo’s boyfriend snapped out of his silence. “Kihyun, it’s enough. You don’t have to-”

“NO!” Craning his head to the other side of the table, he now barked at his same age friend. “You know what I’m talking about. It was all fun and cool when we were college kids with no fucks given, but we’re in the real world now, he has to stop with that shit!”

“So… this is because I did something you don’t approve?” Hyungwon was fuming, it could be seen even from the moon. A Jupiter moon. “MY _ENTIRE_ LIFE. I’ve been following you my entire life, Kihyun. In school, everywhere in Gwangju. I followed you all the way to college, and even moved to a place next to yours, for Christ’s sake. Do I have to ask for your permission to make every decision in my life? I’m sorry if I wanted to do something nice for _you_ and the rest of the kids, WHAT A FUCKING CRIME!”

“That’s not the goddamn point, you know that! I’m running out of options. No matter how much I love and protect you all by myself, you still don’t give a shit about you and your future, because you _do_ have one if you forgot about it. Money is _important_ , no matter how much selfless you are, everybody else need it and so do you. So I ask again: are you out of your fucking mind?”

“I never asked you to- Did I _ask_ for you to protect me like if I was incapable of doing shit on my own. I never asked-” It was clear in his face that Hyungwon hated how his voice cracked. “I never asked you to care. What is done, is done, though. Go find another pathetic asshole to worry about if you’re so tired of me.”

Time unfroze when the raven-haired slammed the coffee shop’s door behind him. Holding his face in his own hands, Kihyun rested his upper body against the table. Even in the soundless atmosphere, anyone could sense the gloomy aura around the man.

 

 

“This is my 48th call this day only. I swear to God, Changkyun, if he doesn’t pick up or respond my texts until tomorrow, I’ll put his front door down.”

From the other side of the couch, the younger studied his boyfriend’s frustrated features. His other hyungs told him, earlier, about the fight in the coffee shop, but it seemed to be worse than they had predicted — and Changkyun did consider an attempt to throw someone down the stairs coming from one of the sides in the fight. Kihyun only didn’t throw his phone on the wall because he physically stopped the man 3 times.

“I know you two have your own rhythm because the long friendship and etc… but I think it’s better to give him a bit of space. And… do you pretend to apologize?”

His boyfriend slowly lifted his head to stare at him. “No. I mean, yes, but it’s… I know I shouldn’t have poured my outburst on him in the middle of the shop like that, he hates that kind of stuff, but it’s so _hard_ , Kyun. I’ve been trying so hard for him to like himself more and he’s a fucking adult and yet…  I want him to put himself first, you know? I’m afraid.”

“Just… calm down, you too. If I know hyung, he’s furious right now, and you two don’t need another fight. Give him some time, it’ll be alright.”

 

 

It had been 3 days since he came across Hyungwon — since their discussion — and his stubborn, unbelievable petty little brother still hadn’t answered a single text he sent; not that it was some kind of breaking news, but the younger also didn’t pick up his phone calls not even once, out of all the times he contacted that little shit. How could he make amends with his best friend if the boy didn’t give him a chance to?

Weirdly, Kihyun felt a bit like Hoseok. Mainly in that day of his first meeting with Hyungwon, after he came back to Korea. As certain as death and taxes, he was dead furious about how his friends planned that encounter without telling him, because at that time, the dipshits knew Kihyun would strangle Hoseok to death, first chance he could get.

Hurting his best friend was something he knew he did, sporadically, like every other person alive did with the ones they loved. Sometimes, he wouldn’t even realize it, but the fault was no one’s but his, and Kihyun didn’t run from that acknowledgement. In his mind, now that the worst that could happen, well, already happened, Hyungwon could start getting better little by little, time was on his side; he didn’t feel like the man should rush it, but it was very hard to have to watch his best friend diminishing himself at every opportunity the man got. His lack of interest for himself made Kihyun’s heart ache, truly. Being happy became something bittersweet when he remembered how much Hyungwon still struggled. The phantom of everything his friend didn’t become would haunt Kihyun forever; more than that, the fact that Hyungwon couldn’t believe he was worthy of good things was absolutely soul-crushing.

He didn’t deny he had a lot of impulse and anger issues, and after a while, Kihyun admitted that he was being a dick during that entire time in the coffee shop; but as he stated, the goddamn little dongsaeng of his would make it impossible for him to communicate with him, so the brown-haired man decided he had enough of his crap.

 

 

“Hyungwon, I know you’re in there! Open the door, please, I’m sorry, okay?”

The hallway of the younger’s apartment floor remained silent. The only time Kihyun heard something was when he banged on the door, incessantly. A unexpected sound beside him startled every nerve of his body; a neighbor, leaving home to God knows where, only made his stress get worse.

A woman, just a few years older than him, smiled at him and quickly bowed.

“I’m afraid there’s no one there.”

Kihyun seriously thought he misheard the woman’s words.

“Excuse me?”

“I’ve heard from the landlady that the person from that apartment moved out, like… 2 days ago. Are you looking into renting it or…?”

Not really. He was looking into nominate that fucking bean pole for the next Oscars, since Hyungwon decided to take his spectacle to the next level.

 

 

His body was kinda close to collapse, but Hoseok wouldn’t have it right at that moment, not even if his soul had to leave his body for him to stay on his feet. The little chances he had to spend time with Hyungwon were more important, so his sick organism could cut him some slack. Anyways, the food his mother brought to his apartment the previous day invigorated him a bit — alongside with the maternal nagging — so Hoseok succeeded in actually get out of bed, and stuff. Even though his muscles felt sore as if he had run a marathon, he was still happy to be carrying a dozen boxes to Hyungwon’s new house.

When the man appeared on his front door, 24 hours earlier, the messy dark locks of Hyungwon’s hair didn’t manage to hide the redness on his face; the way the man looked like he poured his heart out made Hoseok feel as if it was his fault, again. Minhyuk explained the entire turmoil between Kihyun and his best friend and he was used to them fighting, it was just what Kihyun and Hyungwon did in a daily basis since Hoseok met them, but he had never seen one of these arguments going that far, _that_ bad.

He had a hunch that the taller man’s face was also red because it should be embarrassing for Hyungwon, to come to his house again. It was a bit cute, he couldn’t refute.

After a while, once he was done playing with Bong Cha on his living room, the younger finally explained why he was really there.

By what he overheard his friends saying, Hyungwon’s previous apartment wasn’t very big, but Hoseok had to admit that he was a bit surprised when the man asked for his help to move in to a single-room rooftop apartment; it was about 20 minutes closer to Hoseok’s house, though. Yet, it was still way humbler than someone like Hyungwon could be living — not that the house itself was a bad thing, it seemed cozy and had a large window that, in the morning, would allow the sun to enter the entire apartment. By the way, Hoseok couldn’t help but laughing to himself that, sunlight on his face in the morning, was one of the things the raven-haired loathed the most in the world.

“What are you laughing about?”

Hyungwon’s hand rested on the last book he piled against a wall, on the other side of the room, less swollen eyes seeming genuinely curious. Putting down the last box he got from Hyungwon’s car, Hoseok let his body crash on the floor as he sat down, cross-legged.

“Just-” Another chuckle left his mouth; it wasn’t even that funny. “I was thinking you should buy a very thick curtain for that window, because the sun, you know, all over here.”

The wrinkle that formed on his nose was too adorable for Hoseok’s heart to stay quiet.

“Ugh, will do that, you know, tomorrow, since it’s already-” Reaching out for his phone in front of him, one of his fingers pressed the lateral button. “11:00 pm. _Shit_ , sorry to keep you here for so long. I just… well, the others are snitchers and I don’t want to deal with Kihyun’s stupid face right now.”

A small difference in the way that Hyungwon fidgeted his trousers made the taller man look very ashamed.

“I don’t mind helping. But you know he’s gonna find you sooner or later, right? He’s like the Korean Liam Neeson.”

Sputtering a chuckle, he agreed. “As long it’s not tonight, it’s good. Come on, I’ll drive you home, you did enough.”

The younger got up first, and with a few steps the man was already unlocking his apartment’s door. Hoseok’s eyes followed every move the raven-haired made, in a way that he convinced himself that it wasn’t creep, just the sickness’ fault. He totally could use the dizziness he felt as he stood up to endorse that.

There was a big delay in his reaction, because Hoseok didn’t feel when Hyungwon’s arm grabbed one of his, in a quite concerned way.

Hyungwon observed him from head to toe. “Are you okay?”

_So cute, so cute._

A response came in a form of a thumbs up, as his eyes took an eternity to blink. Hoseok fully came back to his senses when he felt icy fingers on his forehead, marking his skin. Before he could take a peek of the scene, they were hastily gone. The man holding him still almost yelped.

“Holy shit, you’re burning! What the hell, how long have you- Sick? Why didn’t you tell me? I wasn’t going to- if I knew. Are you dumb?”

Hoseok couldn’t fathom why, but the urge to laugh was unstoppable. He knew an eye roll, from the other man, was on the way, and he wasn’t mistaken.

“It’s fineeee, Hyungwonnie. It’s nothing.”

His face was a crime scene, smile insidiously fading away from it, was circumstantial evidence that Hoseok was still guilty.

_Shit._

The nickname came out of his mouth so naturally that the shocked way Hyungwon looked him made Hoseok wish that he could be swallowed by the ground beneath him.

“Sorry, I didn’t- It’s nothing, I’m fine, I just didn’t eat much today-”

That made the younger man more riled than he should be.

“Jesus Christ, all of you are so dumb.” Witnessing a small smirk appear in Hyungwon’s face could’ve cured his cancer if he had one.

“Just- I’ll go home, don’t worry. I’ll take a cab, so-” His vocabulary vanished from his mind for a solid second. “Yeah, the cab, sure there’s-”

Hand still grasping Hoseok’s arm, Hyungwon’s cumbersome exhaling could have flipped Earth’s magnetic poles. “Shut the fuck up, _please_. Sit down.”

After another eye-roll, he sauntered forward to open a box near the small bathroom, returning quickly to his side; a comforter and a pillow were on his hands.

“Lie down, I’ll buy some water downstairs. If you die, those idiots will make sure I never have peace in my lifetime.”

One more sneeze escaped the older’s mouth.

15 minutes later, Hyungwon came back with a huge bottle of water, a small package of he supposed it was something like, cloths, and a plastic bag with some food, if Hoseok was smelling things right. Squatting, the raven-haired placed his hand on Hoseok’s forehead again, not very amused.

“Still too hot.”

Hoseok enjoyed being alive, but the cue was too good to be wasted. “I’m so hot, I’m so pretty, I’m so fine, I’m so attractive, I’m so cool-”

An incredulous glare grew on his face, followed by a chuckle. “Not gonna lie, I thought about it too, I miss Wonder Girls. But how long have you been like this? You should be in your bed.”

“I didn’t come… to the coffee shop, that day, I woke up not very… well. I think.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened like ballons. “WHAT THE FUCK? That was 3 days ago. You’re like, a psychologist, you know these health stuff, what the fuck?”

Looking at him from that angle had always been Hoseok’s favorite, so he couldn’t help but smile, despite the fever.

“I’m a firm believer in ignoring illnesses until they go away, due the lack of success in making me take meds.”

The flick on his forehead was so fast that his pain was a bit overdue. A glass of water now was held in front of his face, so he sat up.

“Drink this goddamn water before I just drop you in a hospital.”

“Thanks, Hyungwon. In a few minutes I’ll be fine to go, don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried.”

Oh, _right_ , Hoseok shouldn’t forget where they stood. Regardless of the small improvements, they weren’t exactly… close.

“Okay…” He couldn’t even mask his letdown in his voice tone, goddamnit. “Good, good, I will be-”

“Stay here tonight, I can’t carry anything else down those stairs, just… Lie down.”

The silly butterflies in his stomach didn’t know what “timing” meant.

Hoseok had never been so glad for being sick in his life, if that was what it took to be able to gaze at the man he loved a bit more. Turning on his side to check what the younger was doing, he saw Hyungwon grabbing a pillow and a pot filled with water, alongside the package he brought before.

“Don’t even argue about the comforter, I don’t have the energy to not be a dick. I’ll just put these wet cloths in your forehead because I think that’s what people do in TV dramas, don’t know if it’ll actually work, but… anyways.”

It was pretty obvious he was making a fool out of himself and would cringe about it later, but Hoseok’s mouth seemed to have a life of its own, by the way it smiled without him even realizing it. “Thanks.”

“Nah, you helped me today, it’s only fair.” Hyungwon laid a cold cloth on his forehead and he almost turned away from the shock. “I’m not an expert, though, so this couldn’t be of any help at all, I never took care of sick people before.”

“…Kihyun?”

“That rodent is unbearable when he’s sick, so we made a rule that he’d rot and die alone when he’s ill, and vice versa. But he’s a nagging bitch who can’t watch me even cough so he always breaks said rule.”

“He’s older, that’s kind of his job, at least that’s what my noonas always said. And he loves you very much.”

The younger’s hand made a pause, dropping the cloth back inside the plastic pot; that scared Hoseok a little bit. Deep down, he knew he shouldn’t do what he was about to do, but perhaps things wouldn’t go so badly because of the illness card.

“Talk with him. I don’t like to say that… people _need_ other people to live, but I’ve never pictured you without him. He cares in… a very intense way, I like to call that the ‘Fierce Mom Friend Syndrome’. A lot of people would like to have someone like him.”

A reply didn’t come right away, but at that time, didn’t feel like a bad thing.

“Well, you have Minhyuk.”

Hoseok laughed so hard his lungs hurt a bit. “He’s a weirdo, but a unique one. I’m glad. I’m glad for every single one of my friends here.”

Even with eyes narrowed, he still quickly saw Hyungwon propping himself on one hand, behind his back. “You didn’t have friends… there?”

“Nah. I wasn’t… In the mood, I think. Acquaintances were nice, but… nothing like it’s with all of you.”

“Did you feel lonely?”

His body jerked with surprise to Hyungwon’s unexpected question. It felt normal to turn his head to face the man and not receiving an angry look.

“Yeah… But it’s fine because I’m back, so it doesn’t matter.”

The answer seemed to satisfy the younger man’s interest, by the slow way he nodded, looking away. Just as the silence in the apartment became comfortable, Hyungwon broke it by jolting his body forward.

“Can I ask you something?”

 _You don’t have to ask for permission._ “Of course.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about… that… before Thailand?”

Tapping his own fingers on his face — Damn, he was really hot — didn’t benefit his mind to settle down and defeat the giddiness. The feeling Hoseok got was that time was passing in a kind of distorted mode, so his movements followed that standard; almost strong enough to not allow him to hear what Hyungwon just said. Forming sentences was a very complicated task, though. In his head, Hoseok was taking too long to answer, so he didn’t overthink much.

“That day. You texted me, we were going to meet. But your parents just, you know… _died_. Not very polite to show up and say ‘So, remember when I left to France? It was because of your parents, the dead ones now’.”

He didn’t expect Hyungwon to burst into laughter from what he just said — another thing for Hoseok to die of embarrassment later — but it was good to hear his favorite sound in the world, especially because of something he spoke.

“Is it weird if I say that I didn’t felt very sad about them? Like, I didn’t even cry… for them.”

“Nah…” _Shit, it hurts everywhere, damn fever._ “There isn’t a rule book to how to react to things. All reactions are valid. The voice inside you always knows what’s right, what’s wrong. So, don’t doubt or chastise yourself for that.”

“That’s so cheesy, I was right. All the psychologists in the world are the same.”

Again, his lungs weren’t happy with Hoseok’s chuckles. “It’s possible. But I have the upper hand about what I say, because I know how you’re like. That’s also the reason why I can’t assist you, though.” Hyungwon’s expression turned into one of those he couldn’t read. “Sorry if… it’s kinda awkward between us, I think this is the longest normal conversation we’ve had since I came back, and I’m dizzy as fuck right now.”

A sneer came from the man beside him. “It’s alright.”

“I’m sleepy, _Hyungwonnie_ , I think…”

 

 

“I’m sleepy, _Hyungwonnie_ , I think…”

Curling up into a ball was the only option available, according to his brain. Hyungwon’s heart almost jumped out of his chest through his mouth, for the third time that night. No other person in the world could disturb him so much with just a simple “ _Hyungwonnie_ ”. He was speechless about how that didn’t enrage him anymore. It was dangerous; he knew, all their friends knew, the entire South Korea, the aliens in the entire galaxy knew too, probably.

In the middle of his musings, he noticed that the older was already passed out on his floor; Hoseok looked like he hadn’t had a good night of sleep in weeks. Which was very possible, by the way he fell ill like that.

For the 20th time that night, Hyungwon took the cloth off of Hoseok’s forehead and dampened it again with cold water; the little prick of fever was testing his patience, but Hyungwon didn’t like to lose, so, of course, he didn’t. It was almost 01:00 am, as stated by to his phone, when he laid a hand on the older’s skin and felt that the temperature dropped.

Putting the stuff that aided Hoseok aside, he grabbed the not forgotten extra pillow and settled himself next to his ex — with a considerable great distance, for the record.

His intrinsic anxiety made him hate staying in strange places alone, even when it was just for just a night. Not that Hoseok being sick was an advantage, but Hyungwon was a bit more relieved to not spend the night by himself in his new home; you see, when the darkness falls, every speck of light that didn’t come from a known source, was an opportunity to his brain to freak out for 150th different reasons in a speed that would put track athletes to shame.

Hyungwon turn off the light and finally rested his head on the pillow, clutching on it as if it was the only thing that could keep him from sliding into the other man’s neck; he had already made that mistake before, on the night of the pub breakdown, so yeah, he should keep his hands to himself. Having a new taste of how Hoseok’s skin felt against his was a very, very bad thing. Worse, it was kind of addictive.

“Hoseok?”

Testing the waters, Hyungwon told himself. If he was really going to do what he intended to do, at least he needed to be sure that he wasn’t about to have the humiliation of the century if Hoseok woke up and caught him red-handed. The older man apparently, was in that state he usually would be when, in the past, had to attend the classes he hated the most on Fridays mornings. In other words, dead to the world.

His hand felt heavier than it actually was, and Hyungwon knew it was because what he was doing would come back to bite him in the ass later. It was his organism trying to warning him that he wasn’t helping his heart to move on from the crimson-haired man.

_Dumbass bitch, what are you doing?_

A tale he told himself said that he was so really tired because of the house moving, and Hoseok was just… _there_. So close. Hoseok was there, sleeping beside him, like he did a shit ton of times before; every single of those moments was like a slap on Hyungwon’s face, but he always has been a masochist.

The gap between them lessened to the point where he could stretch his arm and be able to reach Hoseok. Hyungwon’s fingers slowly traced the man’s features, trembling a bit with fear; his sweaty forehead, paler than the usual… the space inbetween his eyebrows that always seemed ready to put on a frown from something their friends would say; the bony structure around his eyes moved up and down with his steady breathing, which, by the way, was something Hyungwon was far from close to have. The raven-haired’s hand slid down to Hoseok’s cheekbones, so goddamn smooth and a brave survivor of the older’s ear-to-ear smiles; Hyungwon’s feelings weren’t a big fan of those, too.

Diligently staring at Hoseok felt like crossing that yellow line in museums, the ones that indicated that you shouldn’t touch the artworks, you absolute shit. It felt unholy, honestly. Was that going to make him stop? Not really.

It was probably the hardest ordeal of his life, for his eyes not to orbit around the other man’s mouth. In the timeline he kept in his head, decades seemed to have passed since he last kissed him; Hyungwon tried to forget the last time they were together before shit hit the fan, but it was fucking _impossible_. They were way nearer than their current positions; Hyungwon laughed into Hoseok’s skin about something the older said or because he was being tickled. His happiness back then felt like the product of mockery, very much Carrie style — the 1976 one, pay some respect. All the things in front of his eyes could turn out to be just a creation of his mind, but the way the older man desperately kissed him was so damn real that every muscle of his body congealed with fright.

He still remembered waking up alone in Hoseok’s bed, on the day the latter was supposed to graduate. An early morning jog, he supposed, because that’s what that man was into. Hyungwon didn’t pay much attention to it.

Faded away just like that. He didn’t know it had been their last time, and that was what wrecked him the most.

The logical side of his brain kept screaming for him to stop with that nonsense and back the fuck off, and for once in his life, it could be right, so he retreated back to hold his pillow against his chest.

It was agonizing and utterly destroyed his pride to admit that Hyungwon wanted to kiss him again, to sleep with him again, in all the meanings of that expression. It was a specific anguish, a monster that was released from under his bed and followed him everywhere, but only showed up when Hyungwon was near his ex-boyfriend. Was that even worth the risk? The way Hoseok and him crossed paths since the beginning, maybe, was a warning sign that they were bad luck for each other.

Years ago, it was easier to believe that.

 

A warm wave under him woke Hyungwon up, and honest to God, he hadn’t slept so well in… months? Years? And he slept on the goddamn wood floor.

It was too early for him to admit any correlation to Hoseok’s presence.

Remembering the older man’s company, he pushed his body up to sit up and craned his head to where Hoseok was sleeping, to check if the fever was really gone.

Not only the fever, but the man himself wasn’t there anymore.

_What the hell? Why-_

Unlocking his phone to check the time, in the middle of lots of notifications of Kihyun’s calls and texts, one from a new person stood out.

 

[06:42 am]

Unknown

_Hey, it’s Hoseok. Jooheon gave me your number, I hope you don’t mind. Just wanted to thank you for last night, I’m feeling better._

_I didn’t want to wake you up, so… Yeah, thanks again. And good morning._

 

Science would study, some day, the very weird antics of his stomach around simple things Hoseok did, like a goddamn greeting.

 

_Do you want to save a new contact under ‘Hoseok’?_

Yes No

 

 

A huge ass asteroid could be on the way to strike Earth, and yet Hoseok wouldn’t take out the grin currently displayed on his face, which was kind of a bummer since he had to contain himself when seeing his patients. His coworkers possibly started questioning Hoseok’s sanity, by the way.

His body still ached, but there was no fever or dizziness; all thanks to Hyungwon, that went out of his way to take care of him. Hyungwon, the person whom he was longing for in the last couple years, the man he loved and that even smiled at him a few of times. It was so much more than Hoseok expected or wished; almost as if the universe actually decided to give him a hand, the things between the younger and him were almost, _almost_ good.

Hyungwon was sleeping soundly beside him when he woke up that morning, and Hoseok had to blink a lot to check if he was dreaming or not; and not satisfied, he even rubbed his eyes to check if he was seeing things right.

Flashes of the past night came back quickly, and his first wish was to get up and shout to the rest of the world how happy he was to be able to sleep beside Hyungwon again. Because Hoseok was sappy like that, and he couldn’t care less.

There is a limit to how much you can stare at someone sleeping and not to think that you’re a fucking weirdo, so he decided to let the younger man sleep and head to work, even though he wanted to stay there forever. Memories of the moments they spent together were so distracting that he didn’t notice a few knocks on his open door.

“Oh, Jooheonnie, come in.”

The younger man bowed and quietly made his way to Hoseok’s desk, immediately feeling something was odd about his face.

“Hi hyung. Are you busy?”

The clock over the door marked 04:00 pm, and his last patient had just left so that’s why he had time to giggle to himself like a fool.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“You need to come with me.”

 

The scene in front of him was one Hoseok never had seen during all the time he had met the younger man. There was a feeling of gloominess, surrounding Kihyun, that would give anyone the idea that the man was the one responsible for when the skies turned grey and poured water over their heads.

“Holy shit.”

Kihyun raised his head towards him, at the sound of Hoseok’s voice. The latter stood on the entrance of his friend’s bedroom, gaping at the mayhem that was made of the place; Kihyun’s body was on top of more bed covers than he could count, clothes scattered everywhere and the traces of a broken glass cup could be easily spotted.

The brown-haired was numb. “What are you doing here?”

Yeah, right. Their relationship got a lot better, but there was still the uncertainty of boundaries.

“Jooheon called me. He’s worried about you, he’s very… sad.”

“Oh.” Kihyun seemed to understand. “He looks like shit because he fought with Gunhee 2 days ago and is here since then, said something about not coming back, but…”

“Wait. How? Why? No, wait. Why are you like this, first of all?”

“I think Changkyun broke up with me.”

“WHAT?” Hoseok’s surprised yell was so loud that people from the other side of the street must’ve heard. “What the hell is going on?”

An answer didn’t come right away because the man burst into tears for about 5 minutes. Once Kihyun calmed down, as Hoseok embraced him, he explained.

“I was annoyed about my job, about the thing with Hyungwon, about, you know, life and shit… and it was our anniversary, yesterday. I didn’t remember because I’m a shitty boyfriend and Changkyun got so sad because he likes to celebrate every month but… I was just so fed up that I said it was a stupid thing to be upset about when there’s so much more…”

“And?”

“The fight became about like, everything else in our lives and careers… Like, I’m still just an assistant, I can’t even lay hands alone on what the film studio produces, but that’s another thing. Then Changkyun said I only think about myself and said he also struggles a lot with that upcoming thing, and we spoke a lot of shit to each other and he said it was better if we should take a break and… left. I’m an asshole.”

“Don’t say that.” It was heartbreaking to see his friend like that, and imagining how the maknae possibly was didn’t make things better. “These things happen, you guys are dating for almost 3 years. Things will be fine, I’m sure. He loves you to death. You know he came to me before confessing to you? He was so afraid of scaring you with these feelings. He’s not gonna give up on you that easily, he’s a little shit.”

Kihyun stared at him as if Hoseok in a state between suspicion and dazzlement.

“I didn’t- And… I don’t want to lose him, hyung, I can’t…”

“You’re not going to. And Hyungwon isn’t mad at you, he’s just being petty to avoid his feelings.”

The younger frowned. “You _talked_ with him?”

“Yeah. I helped him with the house moving. You should go there to nag him, later.”

He raised an eyebrown. “Ow, you guys so friendly…”

“Yeah. It’s nice, despite the circumstances.”

“You really want to-”

The sound of glass cracking outside the bedroom interrupted the conversation; Kihyun seriously yelped. Sharing a frightened look, they finally seemed to remember there was someone else in the apartment.

Hoseok made to the door quickly, with Kihyun trailing behind him. They found Jooheon, crouching down with his arms wrapped around his legs, and bleeding hand.

Kihyun speeded towards the younger with urgency. “Oh my god, Jooheon! What-”

The golden-haired man weeped so much Hoseok didn’t know how he was doing that and breathing at the same time, while Kihyun’s fingers pressed his hand to stop all that blood. A shattered glass plate and cookie crumbs were on the floor.

Once a bandage was made, Jooheon seemed a bit calmer.

“Thanks, hyungs. I’m sorry I’m…”

His puffy cheeks made him look even more exhausted.

“No, it’s not a problem.” An assurement from Kihyun, that petted his hair. “It’s fine.”

“We’re not _fine_ , hyung.” With a bitter voice, the youngest in the room sunk even more in the couch. “Christmas is in like, a week, and half of us are fucked up.”

Hoseok didn’t know what was the right thing to say. Actually, he knew, but they were too many for different cases, and he only knew Kihyun’s. Jooheon seemed to have a feeling he was lost in that situation.

“It was about the studio, you know, the one we’re planning to open with Kyun and the other guys from college. I was working on 3 different projects at the same time and Gun was worried I wasn’t sleeping or eating properly… I don’t know how but the fight became about our jobs and I was stupid saying his tracks always seemed messy because he procrastinates and… You know, Gun always has this idea that I’m better than him at _everything_ , which is dumb because I’m not… Anyways-” A faint whimper interrupted him. “He… told me I don’t need to show off so damn much and I said at least one of us has something to show off... Like, he told me if I thought he was such a loser I should go date someone else with more talent.” The boy craned his head to look at Hoseok with those kicked puppy eyes. “Hyung…”

“Don’t cry, Jooheonnie…” His dongsaeng gazed at him as if he expected an answer that fixed everything. Why people thought he knew the solution to everything because of his job? Little did they know… “You both said things you didn’t mean to, but you love each other, and sometimes we say cruel things to people we love because of… well, shit happens. Your relationship grow from these things, it’ll be okay.”

 

 

[06:12 pm]

Hoseok:

_For all its holy pls come to Kihyun’s house I beg you_

Hyungwon:

_Why? He finally killed someone and we have to be accomplices?_

Hoseok:

_Kihyun and Jooheon are a mess pls help me I’ll cook for you_

Hyungwon:

_If you think I’ll be bought easily like this, you’re goddamn right_

_I’ll be there in 15_

 

 

His best friend’s living room seemed like the biggest pity party in the world. “Mess” was a very generous word to describe the state of his 2 friends; in front of him were red faces of two grown-ass men wrapped in blankets like burritos. At the sight of him, all Kihyun did was release a whimper and went part to host the self-loathing of the year.

Hoseok looked kind of desperate at that point, and Hyungwon would’ve laugh at it if they weren’t in the middle of that chaos. The older put him wise to the matter and it was worse than he thought; the pattern of the shitstorms never coming unaccompanied in his life continued to be on point.

“Well, this escalated quickly. Did you talk with Changkyun and Gun? And why is Minhyuk not here, crying with them?”

The sound of water coming from the tap was shut down, and Hoseok turned around in the kitchen to face him. Apron half on, the man divided his attention between the food on the stove and him.

“I couldn’t reach him, work thing I think. I sent a text saying what happened, so he can crash here at any moment. I tried to talk with the kids on the phone, but they’re not answering. I asked Minhyuk to bring them along, so actually _they_ can crash he at any moment.”

Crossing his arms over the table, Hyungwon chuckled. “The amount of drama in this group would put every TV network in this country to shame.”

“Said the one that changed places out of spite.”

There wasn’t any mirror around, but Hyungwon could picture very well his face when he gasped, for real, due that slander.

“I didn’t!” He did, but was he ever going to admit that? Hell no. “I was already planning that, not wanting to talk with the Hamster was just a push.”

Hoseok laughed and, damn, his chest felt warmer than the food on the stove.

 

Minhyuk, together with his boyfriend, actually dragged the 2 rappers to Kihyun and Changkyun’s place, 1 hour later; no one can really win an argument with the dark-haired man. Minhyuk always won because of either persistence or blackmail.

The other boys didn’t seem too good either. Changkyun’s face was so swollen it looked like a balloon, completely worn-out and scarcely showing any scientific reason to how he was still standing up. For what Hyungwon got to see only from Gunhee’s profile, dark circles seemed to have been painted permanently under his eyes; sleep was something he was sure the younger wasn’t getting those days.

Once they met their boyfriends in the living room, there was this awkward silence Hyungwon knew too well, because he practically invented that kind of event when his ex-boyfriend returned to his social circle. Gosh, that was so damn stupid it really angered him.

“So…” The bravery of the man, the myth, the legend, Lee Minhyuk. “Hi? I think you and your respective partners should, maybe, talk?”

Behind him, at the kitchen’s hallway, Hoseok muffled a chuckle.

Hyungwon wasn’t himself when he was hungry, and I’m sure a lot of people have commited heinous crimes when in this situation; the animal side of the homo sapiens or some shit. He wasn’t dismissing his friends’ feelings due those quarrels, but Hyungwon knew it’d be past midnight when they finally solved it all in their way, and, as stated before, the hunger was strong inside him.

The four men looked particularly like shit, but also seemed to be uncertain of what to say, or how to start; Hyungwon was starving, but he couldn’t eat before the other boys because of his dumb manners.

“Yah, you over there.” Strolling towards the opposite side of the couch, he signalized for Minhyuk, Gunhee and Changkyun to follow him. “Let’s solve this like adults. I’d say something about privacy, but we all know this is just not realistic here. So…” Motioning his head to the sofa, where Kihyun, Minhyuk and Jooheon settled themselves, Hyungwon had to test his self-control to not roll his eyes. “Anyone volunteering to talk first or should I just pick a dick?”

“I’m sorry.” Putting an end to the silence, Kihyun looked up to face the maknae. The second couple looked at everywhere but each other. “I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary, it isn’t stupid, I’m the stupid one…”

Eyes still cast down, the youngest took a few moments to reply. “Not gonna lie, Kihyun, you really hurt me.    I said things too, I’m sorry. I love you, but I can’t pretend I don’t feel like I’m the only one trying for us both. Things are hard, but…”

“I know, I’m sorry.” His best friend was already weeping again. “I don’t want to lose you, so I’ll do better, okay? I’m sorry for being an asshole. I really love you, Kyunnie.”

“Just…” Eyes now staring at the older, Changkyun seemed to have softened. “I’m sorry too. Lean on me when you feel bad, okay? In a non-shitty way.”

Fervently nodding, Kihyun jumped off the sofa to enfold his boyfriend in a hug fueled by his ongoing tears, still muttering a few apologies.

_One down, one to go._

As the ambience became a bit less awkward, Changkyun still embracing his best friend in the corner, none of the rappers seemed ready to start talking. Hyungwon shared a look with Minhyuk, that sit beside Jooheon, for him to do his goddamn job of being nosy bitch. However, his boyfriend was faster.

“Gun. Jooheon.” Hyunwoo’s voice startled everybody in the room, because when he meddles, some shit was about to get real. “Don’t let this become even bigger, isn’t doing you guys any good.”

From the entrance of the kitchen, with crossed arms, Hoseok shared his input. “Listen to the herald, boys.”

The amount of strength Hyungwon put to not cackle was absurd. _Can he not?_

Not much long after, the quietness in the room came to an end.

“I don’t want others to be better than you.” The iniciative was made by Jooheon. “That’s… why I nag about our job, your job. I’m sorry for the stuff I said, I’m sorry if I-”

“How the hell am I suppose to watch you work yourself to death and not do something?” Gunhee seemed more distressed now. “I just- Jooheon, I shouldn’t have… We’re stressed, but I… You’re just _perfect_ , everything you do is amazing, I just want to you to take care of yourself.”

Jooheon looked about to cry again.

“Gun… I’m not better than you, okay? If I’m perfect, you’re perfect too. That’s why I’m with you all those years. You may think you’re a loser, but you’re the loser I chose to love, so you’re kind of the winner.”

A muffled comment came from the brown-haired, still grasping his boyfriend. “That’s true.”

Gunhee opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out; a smile formed on his face, instead. “Really really?”

“Did you just…” With eyes still watering, Jooheon chose to laugh. “You’re the only person that makes a Winner reference in a moment like this. Come here.”

Seeing the man doggedly running towards his boyfriend on the couch was the moment Hyungwon knew he had enough.

“Great, you all buried the hatchet so go fuck yourselves, I’m hungry. And Kihyun, you’re still a dipshit, but I’m not angry anymore.”

A chuckle from the brown-haired, throwing his head back. “Sorry Turtle, and I love you too.”

 

 

End-of-the-year holidays are, usually, Minhyuk’s favorites, even more since he started dating Hyunwoo. It was really good to have someone to spend meaningful moments; the melancholic season always made him a bit more vunerable, so his boyfriend’s arms were the coziest place to be in the world.

It was settled that Christmas Eve dinner would be hosted at his apartment, and honestly, he was thrilled. For the first time, he really felt like an adult, a proper one, and the fact that he was sharing that with his best friends and his love was the best part of everything.

He couldn’t hide how his face dropped when Hyunwoo told him he’d have to work that day, so he’d be home a bit late. Minhyuk understood the unorthodox schedules his job required, and he truly supported his boyfriend, but… He just wanted Hyunwoo to be there, so all of that could be perfect, at least for one night.

“He will come, Minhyukkie.” There was a lot of reassurement in Hoseok’s voice, as he petted Bora, Minhyuk and Hyunwoo’s cat, beside him, in the couch. “Hyunwoo knows how much this means to you, don’t worry too much.”

“Cool, cool, cool.” He’d keep only that in mind, or at least try. “So… Any new adventures with Hyungwon? Still yelling about you two sleeping together, by the way.”

“Oh my God, Lee Minhyuk, don’t make me blush at this ungodly hour.” It was 09:00 am, and Minhyuk couldn’t agree more. “It’s… he’s just… so cute, Minhyukkie. He could stab me with a pitchfork and I’d say ‘Thanks’.”

The situation required the whip sound effect app Minhyuk had on his phone.

 

 

“Just asking, but… we’re friends, right? Like, friends for life, unbreakable bond, gonna get annoyingly old together, right?”

Hyungwon stopped on his way to bite another chicken wing at Kihyun’s statement. He had a bad feeling about that.

“Kihyun, I swear to everything that is holy, and by that I mean my books and chicken, I don’t care if it’s Jesus’ birthday, I’ll murder you.”

“Calm down, gosh…” Sitting in front of him on the table, at Minhyuk’s kitchen, the older continued his train of thought. “I mean, we’re friends for 18 years now, so it’s like, you will forgive me for what I’m about to say, right?”

“The hell, Kihyun?”

His best friend was interrupted by a shriek coming from the living room, that almost made him fall back on his chair, and more importantly, almost made him drop his chicken wing. He remembered the damn crossaint Vine and would’ve laughed if he wasn’t already pissed off.

Heading to the kitchen’s entrance, Hyungwon was prepared to release his anger.

“What the fuck you’re yelling about, boy?”

 _Oh_.

Out of all the scenerys he had in his mind in the span of 3 seconds, in none of them he pictured his hyung kneeling on the front door of his apartment.

“Minhyuk…” Hoseok poked his friend, that seemed pretty shocked. “You gotta answer.”

“I love you, I’ll love you until the day I die, I’m sure of that.” Hyungwon himself was taken aback by the situation, so he could only imagine how the dark-haired man felt. “I know we’re still in the beginning of our lives together, but I want you to be sure that I mean everything I say. This is my promise to you. Lee Minhyuk, the most dazzling and incredible man alive, do you want to marry me?”

Despite not seeing that coming, it was disgustingly adorable. These goddamn happy couples in his life were ruining his reputation of a heartless vessel made of salt.

Minhyuk was in tears of happiness. “Yes, yes, oh my god? Yes!” Then proceeded to scream for excruciating long seconds.

What made him look at the camera as if he was in The Office was something else; all his friends, absolutely everyone, was crying with the engaged couple in the room, even Kihyun that appeared, at some point, beside him. Thank God Hyungwon was dead inside.

Hyunwoo told them, during dinner, that he planned that for about a month, but wasn’t sure it was a good time because the other couples in the table were having issues. Apparently, Hoseok was the one who helped him to fool Minhyuk into thinking that his hyung, maybe, wouldn’t make it to Christmas, and also with the choice of the ring; it was very pretty, Hyungwon admitted, even though it was a simple silver one, with a few geometric forms engraved on it.

 

He was stuffing his mouth with ice cream cake, back in the living room while the others opened their presents, when his life passed in front of his life when he almost choked to death, because Yoo fucking Kihyun decided to be a prick right at that moment.

“I think this is truly the first time all of us are together again.” The brown-haired sipped on his wine before going on. “Did you guys ever thought about how we’re all best friends with each other, and also we’re all dating each other?”

To be sincere, Hyungwon would’ve facepalmed until his hand melted if he wasn’t holding a platter full of cake. Hyunwoo took pity on his embarrassment.

“The gaydar also serves to attract non-straight people to each other, there’s safety in numbers. Everyday is a zumbi apocalypse to us.”

Minhyuk, on his boyfriend’s lap in the couch, cackled so hard he almost fell off it.

 

“Do you really want me to jump off the fucking window, Kihyun? What the hell?”

The man, a certified little shit® (patent pending), snorted, leaning on the bathroom’s sink. As the procedure demands, Hyungwon quietly dragged his asshole of best friend to a quiet place so he could yell at him.

“My fight with Kyun opened my eyes, Turtle. You deserve to be happy too, I just wanted to give a little push to my dumb friends.”

“What? I’m fine, I’m cool, Kihyun. Me and… him, we’re on good terms. Isn’t that what all of you wanted?”

“The good terms we prefer is you two making out for the rest of your lives.”

_Please God, strike me with a lightning right the fuck now, sorry about this fuckery on your son’s birthday, by the way._

“I can’t- That’s not a priority, it’s good the way it is.”

“The sexual tension between you two is so thick I could cut the air you breathe with a knife, it’s painful to watch.”

“Please…” Massing his temples wasn’t helping with the upcoming migraine. “We’re fine, it’s better for us to be just friends.”

 

_“I can’t- That’s not a priority, it’s good the way it is.”_

_“The sexual tension between you two is so thick I could cut the air you breathe with a knife, it’s painful to watch.”_

_“Please… We’re fine, it’s better for us to be just friends.”_

He didn’t mean to eavesdrop, really. It’s just the bathroom is right before the kitchen he was going to, and when Hoseok heard Hyungwon’s altered voice, he got a little bit concerned.

Kihyun’s comment in the unwrapping of the gifts certainly didn’t amuse the younger man, but Hoseok was hoping they could pass through that awkward moment and truly enjoy that holiday together, with the rest of their friends.

To say that his heart didn’t crack a bit by hearing Hyungwon’s affirmation would be a lie, and everyone was tired of that. The funny thing about all the first times Hyungwon gave him, a new one would be that, for the first time in his life, Hoseok got sad in a Christmas eve. He didn’t have any right to be like that, he knew, but it was impossible to convince his chest to not feel so heavy at the point of making him want to cry.

_Not now, not here. It’s fine, it’s better than I ever deserved._

 

 

“Darling…” Carefully elbowing his fiancé, Hyunwoo gestured in Hoseok’s direction, currently sat down on his living room’s floor drinking his 4th soju bottle of the evening. “Something happened? He doesn’t… Well, he’s watching The Little Mermaid on his phone.”

“Oh. He didn’t say anything. I’ll go check.”

Quickly getting up, Minhyuk settled himself beside his best friend on the floor.

“Seokkie, how you doing?”

A plastered smile was the reaction he got. “Fineeeeee, Minhyukkie. I’m so happy for you, fuck this homophobic coooooouuuunnnntry. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“Oh, boy.” His breath was pure alcohol. “You’re drunk. May I ask why?”

Hoseok frowned, but it wasn’t really sincere. “What do you mean? I’M HAPPY! I’m with all of my friends, _friends_ , yeah, right, just like I wanted. I’m happy.”

An incessant tap on his shoulder deviated his attention. Gun and Jooheon were hurriedly signalizing for him to follow them to the room’s corner.

“What?”

“Shhh.” Gunhee, as always, was murmuring melodramatically enough to make him worry. “Jooheon saw him near the bathroom and then leave with that sad bunny face, and who gets out of said bathroom a minute later?”

“What?” Minhyuk, in a similar voice tone, still didn’t understand what was happening, but his hyung seemed so down. “Wonnie? Just say it already!”

“Kihyun hyung was with him in there, so when he got out we asked him what they were talking about and…” Jooheon was having some difficult to keep going. Now Minhyuk knew why the others hated when he made those theatrical pauses. “Well, Hyungwon said it’d be better to them just to be friends… I think Hoseok heard that.”

 _Fuck_.

“Where’s Kihyun?”

Pointing a finger over his boyfriend’s shoulder, Gunhee aimed to the kitchen.

 

 

“Is it true?”

He had to admit he was a bit drunk, enough to not be startled by Minhyuk’s sudden question in the middle of his sacred looting on the older man’s frigde. Craning his head towards the dark-haired man, he seemed more upset than someone who just got a marriage proposal.

“What? True what?”

“Where’s Hyungwon?”

“In your bedroom, sleeping. What’s up?”

The man repeated himself. “Is it true? What Hyungwon said. He doesn’t love Hoseok hyung anymore and just wants to be friends?”

 _What the hell?_ “What are you- Oh, wait, how do you know that?”

“So it _is_ true.” Even appalled, the man still seemed to hope it was just a hoax. “Well, apparently Hoseok hyung overheard you two talking in the bathroom, and now he’s just drinking his feelings away in the living room.”

“Did he hear… everything?”

“What do you mean? I think he heard Hyungwon saying-” Looking both sides, the older man carefully kept going. “He just wanted to be friends with him.”

 _Oh._ “This is so dumb.”

 

 

As he halted across the small hall outside his friends’ bedroom, only the sound was of voices on TV fought against the noiseless atmosphere. The clock on his phone showed it was already past 01:00 am; all friends had left to their private commemorations with their partners, so he was pretty sure that there was only one person in the house with him, at that moment.

Near the living room’s window, leaning against the wall on the floor, Hyungwon saw Hoseok with his legs pressed against his chest and a phone on his hand.

“Yeah, the guys left half hour ago, and Hyungwon is sleeping. I’m just watching TV until sleep comes. No, Sehee, I’m not-”

Right, he was talking to his oldest sister.

“Please, noona, just… don’t, okay? It’s better this way, it’s what he _wants_. No, I’m not- Noona, that’s not it. I might be a little drunk, but that doesn’t change things. Hyungwon just wants to be friends with me, so I’ll do as he wishes. What else… I don’t want to lose him again.”

Among all the experiencies he hadn’t had yet in life, particurlarly, Hyungwon was never punched before in his entire life, but he was pretty sure that the way the air was knocked out of his lungs should be pretty similar to it. Taking a few steps back to avoid being spotted by Hoseok, the need to cry inundated his chest like a river breaking free against the limits imposed to it; his legs were too weak to keep his body standing, and the wood floor was ruthless as blizzards.

_What the-_

The bathroom. Did Kihyun… how the hell did he know about that, otherwise? One of the boys, probably that shitty best friend of his, told him that, for sure. Didn’t they tell him the rest of it, too?

 

_“Cut the crap, boy. You’re crazy about him, and seems like it’s reciprocal. Just-”_

_Hyungwon was losing his patience, and also his arguments. “I’m afraid, Kihyun! I like him so much, I still do and I shouldn’t. I’m afraid. I don’t know if I can trust him again, so I don’t want to give him any…”_

_The older man took it seriously, nodding. “Do you even want to try again, though?”_

_“I don’t know. Shit, he breaths next to me and I turn into jelly, like the fucking idiot I am. And kissing him. I miss it so bad.”_

_“Well, I rest my case.”_

Hoseok’s voice, mixed with the ones coming from the TV, almost seemed otherworldly. He couldn’t see his face from where he sat, but there was a sadness on the older man’s voice that pierced through Hyungwon’s heart, reminding him how much of an idiot he was.

“Sehee- Noona- Noona, it’s fine, okay? I’ll be… fine. I’ll hang up first, I’ll talk with mom and dad tomorrow, tell Siwoo I love him. Merry Christmas.”

Throwing his phone on the couch, Hoseok strolled back to lie on it, legs pulled against his chest, hardly paying attention to what the television broadcasted.

They were so happy, Hoseok and him. As friends, even more as lovers. Then everything happened and Hyungwon just… didn’t know how was the right way to act, the right way to live. Of course it had been a hard hit, so that was just how Hyungwon was supposed to be feeling right? _Yeah_. He had the right to react differently, slowly to what happened to him, but there were words that lingered on his throat that turned him in without a single second of doubt. Could he say something to refute the way he wanted to run towards Hoseok and hug him for the rest of the night, for the rest of their lives?

The answer was no.

Why things had to be so hard for him? Why couldn’t he stop being a goddamn coward and do something about the man that had been the one and only keeper of his heart? Questions to questions, tears to tears.

Hyungwon didn’t know how long he remained sitting on the hall’s floor until he snapped out of that self-loathing and decided to go back to sleep, because that was always the best option. Checking the living room for one last time, the TV was still on, but Hoseok was already asleep.

Every step was a bad decision, but at that point Hyungwon had already a collection of those, so he couldn’t care less. Squatting down next to the sofa, he gazed at the older man resting, in a stupid fetal position that made him look so small, so fragile even though Hoseok was made of muscles. To distract himself, Hyungwon set some empty bottles of soju out of his way — because Hoseok would probably bump into them and shatter everything once he got up, but continued to stare at him, and… him. Why, out of all the men in that planet, it had to be _him_? Even in the best days, Hyungwon didn’t deserve someone like him, and all those events in their lives were still too much to handle; why Hoseok would burden himself with someone like him, by the way?

They did too many mistakes with each other to possibly think about getting together, and yet, kissing the sleeping man was the only thing his brain could ever think of. Did he finally go insane?

Hyungwon went back to sleep in the bedroom, because that’s always the right decision.

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

[11:14 am]

 **salty and s*ft** : i think theres a problem in our hands

 **maknae** : yea but its offensive to call gunhee that, ki :/

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : im your hyung your lil shit

 **salty and s*ft** : oh my god stfu im serious

 **baby honey** : what happened now? still about the thing at christmas eve?

 **salty and s*ft** : srsly, hoseok just turned down an invitation to hang out w/ hyungwon at some book shop nerd shit

 **loveliest bear** : WHAT

 **wolf pupy** : ……………..

 **salty and s*ft** : LEE MINHYUK

 **wolf pupy** : he thinks that’s what wonnie wants ok??? remember? he just cant…… he needs a bit of time to get adjusted 2 that

 **salty and s*ft** : do i have to break his office door this time

 **maknae** : kihyun NO

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : why tf hyungwon doesn’t just say he wants to go out w hoseok in the romantic stylez is that hard

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : christmas was 2 days ago and hyungwon is already whining stay strong kihyun hyung

 **salty and s*ft** : im too sober for this shit

 

 

[17:11 pm]

Hyungwon:

_You’re still at work?_

Hoseok:

_Yeah, leaving soon. Why?_

Hyungwon:

_Great, I’m in front of your clinic’s building, I’ll wait_

Hoseok:

_WHAT_

_i mean… why?_

Hyungwon:

_I miss your cat. Can I have dinner with you?_

_Hoseok?_

_?_

Hoseok:

_yes, sure, sure, it’s fine,_

_we can order something, it’s fine_

Hyungwon:

_Okay._

 

 

“Is Lee Seung Gi already back from the military? I swear I saw a picture of him in the Army a few days ago.”

On the other side of the couch, Hoseok lifted his eyes from his bowl to reply, swallowing the ramen he just put on his mouth.

“He was dismissed in 2017, Hyungwon. He already did, like, 2 dramas. This is a rerun of The Greatest Love, though.”

A cute frown, followed by a dazzled nod, formed on the younger’s face. “Oh… I like him, he’s funny. Is Jo In Sung still your favorite actor?”

Between them, Bong Cha stirrered in her sleep with a low purr.

“Yeah, but these days I can’t keep up with the weekly runs, so I mostly watch the dramas when they’re already finished.”

A nice category of comfortable silences inherently grew around them, so it wasn’t so awful when the only voices in the room came from the TV.

With the hurricane of events that struck their lives in the past weeks, it was nice to have a conversation about something so trivial, especially if it was with Hyungwon. Of course that didn’t help much his plan of keep things friendly-only — Hoseok just couldn’t control the way he looked at Hyungwon as if the man was the one who colored the world every single day as he woke up.

In other words, the struggle was real.

The two of them kept watching TV for the rest of the night, making a few commentaries that made Hyungwon laugh and Hoseok’s stomach almost forced him to curl up into a ball because of, well, it was too much. After what happened at Christmas Eve, or mostly what didn’t, because what the raven-haired said wasn’t a crime at all, Hoseok tried to carve in his mind that he could, and he would, be just friends with Hyungwon; at least he still could have that, an everlasting reminder.

The snowflakes passing through his living room’s window, sometimes in a orangish tone because of the lamp post’s lighting, weren’t in a hurry to make themselves known; their empty bowls, plates and glasses filled the center table in front of the couch, unbothered just like the snow outside his building. Hoseok was so deep into his spacing out that he didn’t even notice Hyungwon, curled up, slowly blinking away the sleepiness.

“Hyungwon, do-”

Chae Hyungwon is a very tall and slim man, it is known by every human being alive; face of an angel, body of a model and the personality of a Greek God. What most people didn’t know it was that he could be very quick when he wanted, and always, caught Hoseok off guarded.

The older’s brain’s software stopped running every time he was given the opportunity to have some physical contact with Hyungwon, and Hoseok wished he was overreacting. That time wasn’t an exception. Because the heavens seemed to have some pity on him, it must’ve been clear on his face the older didn’t know what was going on when Hyungwon started crawling towards his side of the sofa; his cat wasn’t there anymore to witness his awkwardness, so that was a little victory.

Resting his head on Hoseok’s shoulder, the raven-haired clung to his side as much as it was humanly possible.

“That’s better.”

_Oh. My. Fucking. God. That’s how I wanna go._

“Uhh… Hyungwon… I- Hmm… I think I need… more time.”

His neck got colder when the younger man pulled his face off of it.

“For what?”

A good question. Not a logical one, but good.

“I- We were friends like this back in college, right? We… did a lot of things together, even shared a bed and stuff… I know you- I mean, I hope we- still can be friends and-” _Great, stutter like the idiot you are._ “It’s great, but even if you don’t believe me, my feelings for you aren’t gone. I just… can’t be this type of friend for you yet.”

Hyungwon skeptically stared at him, and he wasn’t gonna lie, it was a bit scary.

“What if I do?”

“If you do what?”

“Believe you.”

_Did he just…_

“Well… Good? Yeah? I mean, you don’t hate me, which is already something astonishing, so if-”

“I want to believe you, Hoseok.” Even though Hyungwon started humming The X Files theme song, the seconds passed slowly before he could make eye contact again. “Just… Don’t run away.”

“I won’t.”

“Good.”

“But I- I wasn’t eavesdropping, I was just passing by and- you said, in the bathroom-”

Tilting his head a little, Hyungwon gave him a smile. “There’s two things I’m full of. Salt and shit.”

 

 

“You’re stiff as a rock right now.”

Hyungwon didn’t want to chuckle, in all conscience, but the man beside him acted as if he was going to break the younger if he moved more than necessary.

“Sorry.”

“You can touch me, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

Shifting a bit, as they lied down on Hoseok’s couch, he captured the older’s reaction. He was so goddamn red he could as well explode from awkwardness.

“Sure, sure, it’s cool, sure.” The fast speech didn’t match his panicked expression.

Hoseok was Hoseok, and him was him; together, they were something else. This something else that always attracted Hyungwon was the biggest influence to his actions; just the sensation of having Hoseok slipping away from his life again was enough to snap something inside him, regardless of all the fear he still felt. He wanted that, them; hiding his face into Hoseok’s neck, to clutch his hands around his arms, to not let him go away ever again, wanting him not to leave again. The cloak he wore all that time without Hoseok was worn-out, and Hyungwon was tired of running away from what he wanted. Could that lead to more suffering for both of them? Possibly, but they were still them, Hoseok and Hyungwon, sharing the same space again. It felt dumb all the time he wasted before getting to that point, but his consciousness always reminded Hyungwon it was needed to heal a bit more first.

Maybe it really was.

“You’re still forgetting to eat?” The thought of Hoseok being sick, just a week before, suddenly hit him.

“Sometimes.” Hyungwon almost moaned when he felt the man’s fingers running through his hair, thank God for his willpower. “I set an alarm to remind me.”

“Do you want to have lunch with me tomorrow?”

The sight of a grin on Hoseok’s face didn’t stop his mouth to create one of its own.

“Of course.”

Letting the heaviness on his eyelashes finally win, Hyungwon turned on his side, dragging the comforter and the other man’s arms around his waist. “Goodnight, Hoseok.”

The last thing he heard was a low snicker behind him, before the hold on him, at last, became tighter. “Goodnight, Hyungwon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you believe this gay ass shit
> 
> i have too many knowledge abt korean dramas pls bear with me  
> i warned the cheesy shit was coming its only the beginning lmao
> 
> mx is already having another world tour?? bitch im broke dont do this to me (emperor palpatine's voice: do it)
> 
> see yall next week, kids


	16. My Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here lies my bisexual ass bc hyungwonho fucked me up for real with the from zero mv (1993 - 2018)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WONHO MY FLUFFIEST PISCES SON MY BABY BOY WHO DESERVE THE WORLD AND EVEN MORE  
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU BEAUTIFUL SOFT ANGEL ILY <3
> 
> *taps mic* hey kids  
> this wouldve been posted sooner if starship didnt decide to murder me in cold blood with the gayest shit ive ever laid my eyes on aka the from zero mv (boyfriends in paris smh THANK U FOR THE CONTENT FOR ME TO USE IN FUTURE CHAPTERS) also the pictures of wonho sleeping w/ a dog that hyungwon posted on twitter IM SOFT FAM
> 
> thank u very much for all the comments and kudos and everything, i love every single one of them i hope this story entertains u til the end <3
> 
> also EVERYBODY SEEING THEM LIVE ON THE WORLD TOUR GIVE ALL THE LOVE IN THE UNIVERSE TO THE BOYS
> 
> [the title is from an exo song]  
> enjoy (or not)

There was a time for acknowledgment, a time for healing and a time for self-awareness. No one sits you down and explain how to deal with the hardest parts of life, and that’s the biggest dick move someone could ever do; it doesn’t take too long to get used to it, though, because it always could be worse. Watching others was how Hyungwon discovered what to do and what not to do when the time for everything came, everything but himself. He lived with a stranger, one who greeted him in the mirror.

How could Hyungwon trust his judgements when he could do nothing but to presume what kind of person he’d like to be? What _that_ type of people do? Should he keep trying on endless personalities until finding one that wasn’t too bad? Only thinking about that set fire to his insides, but the clock wasn’t going to wait for him, and everyday the raven-haired wasted doing nothing only made him feel useless.

Oh boy, the amazing part of therapy was to be able to dump your issues on someone and watch them evaluating all that crap — watch out for the parentage bullshit, they will trap you in that topic — but for once, Hyungwon pitied his therapist. The woman was taking her time off for end of the year festivities and, yet, agreeded to see him even without an appointment. A neon sign kept flashing in his mind fomenting a “Should I? Should I?”; he didn’t have much to lose and didn’t care about much, so a “Fuck it” it was.

The woman had so many layers of clothes on, when she entered her office, that Hyungwon almost didn’t recognize her.

It’d be a clever idea to talk with, maybe, Kihyun or Hyunwoo about it, but only thinking about the possible teasing he’d have to deal with made Hyungwon want to launch himself into the fucking void.

“Well…” Crossing her legs, the attention was focused entirely on him. Therapists have this kind of weird look, as if they wanted to get an x-ray of your soul. “What was so urgent, Hyungwon?”

Good question.

“I might have done something stupid.”

Her serene expression didn’t change a bit. “Which is…?”

“Let’s suppose that I got a bit chummy with my ex because he’s… well, _him_ , and we kinda slept together… just sleeping, for the record. But this is all a hypothesis. What would you tell me?”

There was a very intricate look being thrown at him at that moment; one of the worst things to happen in a situation like that was when Hyungwon wasn’t able to read someone.

She started laughing, without a hint of mockery. Briefly, but indeed laughed. At him.

“I’m sorry, Hyungwon, but to be frank… it wasn’t hard to know that would happen. I’m glad you took a step forward, despite being apprehensive.”

He opened his mouth, ready to refute that but… _damn_.

“I- Just…”

“For all I know, a lot of bad and good things happened between you, but you seem to still like him a lot, and what you told me… I can’t speak for him, but the way he acts, he seems to care a lot about you. If you need more time, don’t hesitate to choose yourself first. How he reacted, when you two…?”

_He was amiable and cute and I’m stupid and don’t trust myself, but I want him so bad, goddamnit._

“He was a bit… worried. I was the one who… started it. And I had such a good night of sleep. He smiled a lot, that’s not good.”

His therapist raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because…” Exhaling sharper than it required, all the images of Hoseok grinning inside his mind should be in a museum. “It’s weird that my heart can’t keep quiet. And he does that at every freaking thing I do or say, that’s excessive and rude.”

“So… Did you come here for reassurance that what you’re doing is okay?”

_Damn, lady. Thanks?_

“…Yes? You know, my friends’ bantering wouldn’t help, and they’re also Hoseok’s friends so I kinda wanted a neutral opinion.”

“Hyungwon. What do you think? Is it _right_ or is it _wrong_?”

Like the massive idiot he was, of course Hyungwon hadn’t considered that question before.

“I feel… Warm. When I’m with him, I feel warm.”

“There is your answer.”

 

The New Year’s Eve was, consistently, a fucking nightmare to Hyungwon. The world made so much noise about the end of the planet’s cycle around the sun; it didn’t help that he lived in Seoul, by the way. Escaping to the hills was an alternative, but he’d have to go alone, and that was always a big no when it came to places he wasn’t familiar with. Time after time, not wanting to ruin his friends’ celebrations, Hyungwon learned how to sneak away as further as he could from the explosions in the sky and the excessive PDA. The biggest revolution about how he dealt with those situations who, usually, gave him an impeccable panic attack, came after Hoseok left to France; Hyungwon glanced at those things on TV and decided to not be scared anymore, even though it turned his chest into a gun, and Hoseok always pulled the trigger. It didn’t work 100%, but it got a lot better than in the past. So hell yeah, he got it.

Song Gunhee, someone whom he’d really stab in a liver one day, had the stupid idea of doing their usual New Year’s Eve gathering at Hoseok’s apartment, because it had a huge ass rooftop where they could get a better vision of the fireworks **.** All he could do, in the end, was to agree with that shenanigans; sometimes democracy was a pain in the ass and burning the city to the ground didn’t sound too harsh. Although Hyungwon could use the anxiety card to avoid it, his conscience was stronger than his excuses. And he wanted to be there with him, with Hoseok. Hyungwon wanted to see his face changing into a palette of bright colors when the sparkling spectacle happened, even if it was from afar.

 

“YAH, GRIM REAPER, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR! You can’t stay hidden in the bathroom in the New Year’s Eve!”

Pushing his very potent headphone out of his head, the raven-haired could distantly hear his best friend’s yells, but Hyungwon couldn’t care less about all that banging on the door; peeking at it being assaulted by Kihyun’s fists was strangely funny. Without hurry, he picked up the book on his lap, turned the music back on and went back to his reading.

When the TWICE track he was listening to made that pause, between the end of one song to start another, Hyungwon heard a new knock on the bathroom’s door — Hoseok’s bathroom, by the way, neat as fuck. He was ready to tell Kihyun to fuck off when the tone of the voice he heard was lower than his best friend’s; softer, like cotton candy.

“Hyungwon? It’s me, Hoseok. Could you… open the door? I gotta fetch something.”

“Oh.” _Why am I disappointed?_  “One moment.”

Even without a mirror in front of him, he had no doubt that looked like the personification of a disarray. The crimson-haired man, the contrary. Even wearing just blue jeans, a white shirt and a leather jacket, Hoseok managed to outdo any model in the world.

_God, are you there? It’s me, your favorite asshole, please send help._

“Hi.” The formation of one of those ear-to-ear smiles looked like the birth of a star. Hyungwon blatantly gulped. “How you doing?”

“Fine. I just started reading my book, so by the end of…” He vaguely gestured at the ambiance, and the older smiled even more. “I’ll have finished it.”

Faster than the younger expected, the man made his way inside the bathroom, closing the door behind him and Hyungwon, simply sitting on the floor next to where the younger’s book was settled.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, I’ll stay until midnight with you. Don’t mind me, just read your book.” As the most casual thing in the world, Hoseok pulled his phone out of his jacket and started playing a freaking game.

“Kihyun sent you here?”

“Nope. Last time I saw him, he was downing 2 soju bottles at once.”

“Then why-”

Still on his feet, Hyungwon had to support himself on the sink to not faint when the man looked up at him with an expression that… It was bad news. _Goddamnit._

“I don’t want you to enter the new year alone. And I don’t mind much those things, I got used to not celebrate much… feels kinda weird now. I’ll go upstairs after midnight.”

Nothing personal, but he had to laugh. “You hate heights. That’s why you’re here?”

“No!” God, Hoseok blushed. Couldn’t someone just put an end to his suffering? “I wanted to be with you.”

_Listen here, Chae Hyungwon, don’t lose your shit._

“I- I’m- sure, I mean-” Avoiding eye contact seemed the best choice, otherwise he’d just look like a fool. “It’s your house, you do what- What you want, sure.”

Hoseok kept those alluring eyes in his direction and it just wasn’t fair.

“I can leave if you want to, it’s fine. I just-”

“No!” Was necessary to frantically shout? No, and yet… “It’s okay.”

 

It was about 10 minutes to midnight that, for the 100th time while sitting cross-legged in front of him, Hoseok silently giggled at his phone; the reason the younger man had been reading the same page for about 30 minutes now. But Hyungwon liked that way too much to feel pestered.

After what seemed a 1000 years of gathering courage, he peeked at Hoseok through his eyelashes, warily to not get caught; Hyungwon only sunk even more into his heart’s foolishness, but was kicked in the guts by the awareness he was staring for too long. How could a huge guy like that look like a child that got a new toy every time he got excited?

“Hey.” Hoseok quickly perked up at the sound of his voice. “Do you want to go up there?”

His eyes blinked a couple of times before responding Hyungwon’s question.

“The rooftop?”

“Yeah.”

“But… You… I don’t want you to feel bad.”

“It’ll be quick. Come on.”

Being the first one to get up, the taller man had already unlocked the door when he heard Hoseok’s steps towards him. An interesting fun fact was that Hoseok still did that thing where he kept a fair distance between them, and even though the intention was noble, he was damn tired of that bullshit.

Their friends chortled so loud that, if it wasn’t a national festivity, they’d be getting noise complaints like crazy from how flamboyant those idiots could be, always breaking their own records of absurdity. Apparently, the topic that inflamed the discussion was about an American TV show Hyungwon didn’t care about, so this type of information didn’t get stuck in his remembrances.

While the other boys waved and yelled for him to join them, he remembered to check if Hoseok was following him, and technically, the man was; his steps could only go until the entrance of it, though. Hyungwon couldn’t see well due the poor lighting on that place, but he was pretty sure the crimson-haired was terrified of going further. Unflinchingly, the older leaned against the door, almost burning a hole in the floor while trying to mask his struggle.

_Maybe it’s better to go back._

Feet turning around to go to Hoseok, his path was swatted by the sound of the pyrotechnic display attacking his ears; he should have known before commiting to his own shitty idea, because the fireworks swirled fast, and no matter how loud he screamed, Hyungwon couldn’t win that duel.

_This isn’t happening, not now._

The war was on him and his attempt to foil that disaster just made the universe laugh; hands pressing down both ears, Hyungwon was certain he could almost grasp the air abandoning his chest, no matter how swift he tried to be to prevent it to paint the world in black. Even in the lake in which he dived deeper with his eyes shut, the tragedy followed his traces — 1, 2, 3 and the bomb exploded, creating a world of buzzing he knew too well.

Disastrously, Hyungwon hauled his body backwards until he hit a wall — the rooftop’s parapet, to be precise. The fireworks were gone, but quickly reappeared in the air, and all he could think of is how much he wanted to die. No proper breathing was available and the ground beneath him used the ice to burn his skin; he heard his name more times than he could count, but couldn’t pinpoint where that came from — Hyungwon didn’t even remember where the hell he was, quite suspended in existence.

Warm hands, unmeasurably more powerful than the winter night, touched his arms and every single molecule of his body was drawn to it, fiercely widening his eyes in its direction; how lovely it was to keep meeting him like it was the first time.

“Hyungwon!” _Yes, him_. “Look at me, please. Breathe, please. Can I-”

Pretty sure the man was about to ask for permission to touch him, Hyungwon decided to make it clear by putting his arms around Hoseok’s neck, silently begging for him to take him out of there; just like that, it was a language they were both fluent on.

Hyungwon felt Hoseok’s urgency in the way he kept him so close, almost as if he was afraid the younger would be taken away if he let go even a little. The last memory Hyungwon had from that event was the older placing him on his back to climb down the stairs; everything else was a blur he wasn’t sure it actually happened. He also didn’t know how much it took for him to calm his nerves, currently laying down on Hoseok’s couch, but at least his breathing was coming back to normal.

The circumstances made it really difficult for Hyungwon not too swoon like an idiot, over the specific sight of the crimson-haired sat on the floor, next to him, studying his body language to get some good news. Once he was stable enough to turn his head towards Hoseok, Hyungwon watched a wave of relief hit the older’s face, while his hands gently caressed his hair.

As you can see, things were really tough for Hyungwon. The bats, everywhere; on his chest, on his stomach, an infinite banquet. He should really call pest control, or an exorcist.

 

“Ow, that was amazing. It exploded like, 3 times in a row! Did you see that? It’s so cool!”

Hoseok’s excited voice caused him stir on the couch, while they watched the firework shows around the world with the TV on mute. It still made a rainbow on Hoseok’s face, in a smaller size, and Hyungwon could stare at him like that forever. As much as he tried not to be pleased by that situation — his episode earlier wasn’t pleasant and he was kind of ashamed — Hyungwon just didn’t have the heart to rain on Hoseok’s parade, so he decided to throw a smooth feedback.

“I wish I was normal and could see it live like everybody else.”

The giggling beside him, on the couch, stopped. In his peripheral vision, Hyungwon saw the older craning his head to his side. “Who said you’re not normal?”

“People? Do you want a list or-”

“There isn’t just one way to be normal, Hyungwon.” The frown on his face increased. “You’re normal, you just struggle a bit more, but you are. There's nothing wrong with you.”

“Wow, just got psychoanalyzed in the first hour of the year. Definitely a new experience.”

Beholding the way Hoseok’s face fell made Hyungwon want to jump off the balcony, because of how much of an asshole he was.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“It was a joke, Hoseok.”

“Oh.” Hoseok still looked puzzled, but the unpleasant expression faded away. “Okay. What I’ve said it’s true, though. You’ll find your category of ‘normal’ someday.”

He let out a chuckle. “What’s yours?”

A bad move, since the older had the stupid habit of pouting when he was evaluating something. Christ Almighty, Hyungwon just wanted to curl up into a ball because his heart couldn’t handle it that shit.

“I’m… I’m in the category of people who doesn’t want much, and I used to think I was a bit of a conformity, but that’s how I really feel. Just being happy and making someone happy it’s enough for me. I want to live a good life, despite the tribulations along the way. I work in something that I love, my friends and my family are well and healthy…”

Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on the most idiotic sentence that ever came out of the mouth of someone who claimed to be dead inside.

“What about me?”

_No, no, no, what the fuck?_

Considering the reply’s delay, Hyungwon just assumed he wasn’t going to get one; apparently it was time to get a suit ready to receive the award of dumbass of the year.

As if he’d have that easy.

“You…” Hoseok’s voice never felt so invasive. “You’re the person I want to make happy.”

The noiseless TV didn’t do much to break their staring contest, only flickering lights dared to dance on their faces, but Hoseok gave in first. Visibly uncomfortable, the oldest cleared his throat and made a move to get up.

“I’m- I will- I’ll grab something in the kitchen, be right back.”

His arm worked faster than his brain, showing how much of a freewheeling moron he was, of course, but Hoseok came to a halt as soon as he felt fingers wrapping around his wrist.

“ _Don’t_. Stay here. Please, don’t leave.”

He knew what it meant to say that. Pretty ridiculous? Of course. But that night was already a trainwreck, so Hyungwon could use that excuse to fuck up his life even more; it wasn’t open for debate.

Hoseok nodded, quietly. “Okay.”

As the situation ensued, he didn’t notice his hand was still on Hoseok’s wrist when the latter sat back, and was reminded by the man’s fingers entwining with his.

Looking down at their hands together, Hyungwon had to contain a smile over how that felt so goddamn _right_. Natural as the same way the moon always takes the sun’s place so it can rest, the most beautiful of the dynamics; the moon, even half obscure, still shined around them when his skin touched Hoseok’s skin, and he didn’t even bother to try to differ which one was his, it didn’t matter. The only wish in his heart was that everything he was feeling — everything happening — didn’t vanish again only to make a fool out of himself; if all the places on Earth glowed upon the land in all the 24 hours, Hyungwon would like to endlessly travel around the globe if that meant to hold Hoseok’s hand forever.

 

 

“Oh. My. God.”

Jooheon froze as he laid his eyes on the scene, but with the perfect timing to warn the others behind him about the… thing, before they could cause a havoc and ruin it all.

“Guys!” Shushing them didn’t work, so he tried actual words. “Are you seeing that too or y’all finally made me go insane?”

Kihyun was the first to step out, and cover a gasp with his hands. Looking over his shoulder, the brown-haired saw the others had the same expression as him, mouthing a heartfelt “I can’t believe it”.

_Holy shit._

There was a high chance that it was because he was hammered, but Jooheon almost cried looking at his hyungs together; even though the TV was still on, but soundless, Hyungwon peacefully slept half on top of Hoseok, on the sofa. The older man had both of his arms around the raven-haired’s waist, while the latter buried his face on Hoseok’s neck without a single worry.

He had to fight the urge to go over there and hug both of them, but he was kinda busy trying to keep Minhyuk away from them; he kept whispering about how adorable they were and something about an ice sculpture. Jooheon’s dumbass boyfriend obviously had to be the one to snap a goddamn picture.

“Shhhhhh.” Hyunwoo pushed them all to the front door, making their way out.

Gunhee pulled Minhyuk aside and both chuckled while checking the photo, resting his arm on the man’s shoulder.

He was the last one to get out, but Jooheon saw Gun waiting for him in the hallway, before saying what could be called a straight up moment-killer.

“Wonseok shall rise, bitches.”

 

 

_“Hyungwon. Do you know what you did wrong?”_

_His mother seemed very upset. Hyungwon knew he had done something to make her angry, but he couldn’t remember what it was. What could it be? A lot of things, because of the way he was._

_“I don’t… remember.”_

_The tall and slim woman scoffed at Hyungwon, passing by him and toughly bumping on his shoulder in the process. She came back his grade card, not really good._

_“Why can’t you be stellar like I ordered you too? Are you that dumb? I don’t pay that expensive school for you to be slacking off like this. What kind of image do you want us to have, with a son like you?”_

_Those moments always made him want to cry, but he couldn’t._

_“I’m… I’ll do better, mother.”_

_“I truthfully doubt it. It’s your duty to try, but you’re practically a lost cause.”_

_Was he? Maybe. But he didn’t want his mother to leave so angry, so he tried to approach her once more, gently reaching for her arm._

_The woman retorted quicker than he could perceive, so when Hyungwon came back to his senses, his body was already on the floor, on account of his mother strong push._

_“I told you to not touch me. Try to be less of a disappointment to earn a reputation, at least.”_

_“I’m sorry, mother, please…”_

 

“Hyungwon, wake up. Hyungwon?”

“ _Please_ …”

“Hyungwon, Hyungwon!”

The raven-haired man drew in a sharp breath too fast, almost causing him to choke while waking up.

Despite it all, how delightful it was that the first thing Hyungwon saw as he woke up was Hoseok. The older man was panicking, though.

“Holy shit, are you okay? Were you having a nightmare? Are you okay? Do you- I didn’t know what to do…”

Hoseok’s hands shifted from the younger’s arms to his face, holding it with both hands; the stupid tears insisted in rolling down Hyungwon’s face, because he was pathetic like that. He was going to be fine, he wasn’t in that place anymore; Hyungwon wasn’t alone and feeling like the worst child in the world anymore.

“It’s alright, Hyungwon. It was just a bad dream.”

Enveloped into a hug, he cried harder on Hoseok’s shoulder; fingers moved up and down his spine, creating little circles to help him sooth his breath. It wasn’t that horrible already, but he didn’t want to leave those arms.

After a good minute, Hyungwon finally got his shit together. More or less.

“I’m okay now.”

Hoseok’s hands were back to hold his face, wiping the tears off it.

“You don’t look okay. Do you want to… talk about it?”

Remarkably, Hyungwon did.

“I think… I remembered something, from my childhood.”

All of the sudden, Hoseok seemed mortified. “You don’t have to-”

“I was… 11 or 12, I think.” His grip on the older’s shirt got tighter without his knowledge. “My… _mother_ was angry that my grades were mediocre. I tried to touch her and she… pushed me off, I fell.”

The eyes that gazed at him didn’t have a hint of pity on it, but the man gave the impression he didn’t know what to say. Without warning, Hoseok hugged him again, bringing Hyungwon closer with an arm around the younger’s waist.

There wasn’t a single sound in the living room until Hyungwon spoke again, after pulling back first.

“Thank you. For yesterday, and today.”

“You don’t have to. I’ll always do whatever I can for you.”

The smile on Hyungwon’s face was ludicrous.

“Then please, make me some ramen, pretty please? The big spicy one.”

Hoseok’s guffaw filled his chest with so much coziness that he thought he was going to melt.

“Say no more.”

“And also, help me stand up. I’m too comfortable, I’ll just go back to sleep if you leave me here.”

“How can you be comfortable if you had a nightmare 5 minutes ago?”

“You’re a better bed than mine.”

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

[12:24 am]

 **baby honey** : gun deadass framed the picture he took of hyungwon and hoseok

 **baby honey** : his drunk self actually took a nice one

_prodigy better than DOTS writer sent a screenshot._

**prodigy better than DOTS writer** : its on my desk in our studio it gives me strength to keep going

 **wolf pupy** : I WANT ONE

 **wolf pupy** : but uhhhh

 **wolf pupy** : guys….. wonnie’s bday is coming soon whats the plan

 **maknae** : what plan

 **baby honey** : fuck

 **salty and s*ft** : yall know he doesn’t like to celebrate since the thing w/ hoseok

 **salty and s*ft** : now theyre ““““closer”””” again i just dont know

 **loveliest bear** : i think it’s a good opportunity for him to have better memories about his birthday

 **loveliest bear** : when is the studio opening party, guys?

 **maknae** : saturday

 **loveliest bear** : change it to Friday so its on the day of hyungwon’s bday, he wont refuse to show up and we can prepare something

 **wolf pupy** : look at this brilliant MAN imma marry one day not in korea bc aint allowed but I WILL marry him

 **baby honey** : damn we gotta text half of the city the new date now

 **maknae** : just let gunhee outside for 15 minutes and everybody in the country will know

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : being a nosy bitch is a gift

 

 

The blame was on him, honestly. Hyungwon should’ve seen that coming, because it was that time of the year again and his friends were a bunch of tenacious dipshits.

New Year’s resolutions were horseshit and he was glad he chose not to make any; instead, Hyungwon spent the first week of the 2020 getting distracted by Hoseok’s smiling face stuck in his head, and that was a very good one. It was all fun and games until the sudden insight he was already past his twenties hit him with a baseball bat. The summary of his life seemed mostly empty; what did he have in life, what Hyungwon achieved?

Fucking nothing.

A stupid diploma he couldn’t use for shit those days, mainly because he was afraid of getting rejected while job hunting; a good amount of money in his account too, since Hyungwon sold the estates his parents owned in Korea and abroad, but half of it also went to the people who deserved to be live better, even though that money wasn’t going to bring the people they loved back.

Hyungwon wasn’t getting any younger; all his friends had plans and dreams, and worked hard to achieve that. What could he want to do for the rest of his life, and not be too miserable about it?

Perhaps he should just keep staring at his house’s ceiling until dying from starvation.

Not a day passed by without Hyungwon missing teaching kids, to love and receive affection from those babies. Lots of options were on the table, but everything Hyungwon could think, somehow, involved being around children. The scariest thing was never having the feeling of security when making decisions; the money on his account had allowed him to live well until that point, but wasn’t going to last forever, and Hyungwon didn’t want that too. His wish was to make his own living and get rid of everything that came from his parents; a moral cleasing, as he’d like to call.

A small step he took without thinking much, mostly because he trusted his friends, was to invest on the rappers’ studio. Alongside 13 friends of them, Gun, Jooheon and Changkyun were starting the path they’ve always wanted to follow, and that made Hyungwon feel like he was helping them to go somewhere in life, because God knows at least some of them had to.

As he walked inside the modest building downtown, Hyungwon could feel a heavy beat resonating through the floor, some hip hop song he couldn’t understand much because they sang too damn fast. It should be nice, the feeling of have finding your true calling; the one thing you were born to do, the most important one. Hyungwon didn’t want to be a buzzkill with his depressing bullshit, so he just shoved every dejected thought to the back of his mind.

Once he set foot in the large basement, where the party was being held, a very familiar yell got his attention, because of course Changkyun was being extra somewhere in that place. Thanks to that he easily found his friends, next to a table with a few snacks and a brazenly vast amount of booze. Besides his dongsaengs’ friends — and business partners — Hyungwon didn’t know anyone else in there.

The maknae spotted him quickly, drawing half of the party’s attention to them.

“YOOOOOOOOOO! HYUNG IS HERE!”

Approaching the idiots, Hyungwon arrived in the start of new chatting.

“There’s something I don’t understand.” Hyunwoo, with an arm around his boyfriend’s waist, took a sip of his beer before continuing. “Why is the studio called ‘SEVENTEEN’ when there’s just 16 of you?”

“Hyungwon hyung is the 17th.” Jooheon calmy explained. “He invested on us.”

When Kihyun creepily turned his head to glare at him, he was already offended.

“It’s an investment! I’m not throwing money on the wind.”

The brown-haired man scoffed, because he knew he couln’t argue. “And what you get from investing in a music studio, Turtle?”

“I believe in their talent, isn’t that enough? Your boyfriend said I had a chair and coffee here anytime I wanted, too.”

“JOOHEON! CHANGKYUN!”

Gunhee, from the margin of the modest low stage set in front of them, had to scream to be noticed; the man was standing next to a power amplifier, so that made him almost unnoticeable.

“We gonna kick it.” Putting his bottle of beer on the table and hugging his boyfriend, Changkyun was the first to step out of their circle. He craned his head towards Jooheon. “We’re really doing this, bro.”

Getting backhugged by Kihyun, the golden-haired boy nodded as if he was about to cry.

Under the dim orangish light above their heads, the 16 boys with promising futures in the music industry got ready to officially present themselves to the world as a team; someone turned off the music and for a brief moment, people seemed disappointed, but soon started eagerly screaming once they noticed what was happening.

“Y’all having a good time?” Choi Seungcheol, a dork, was the first to speak; the crowd quickly answered positively. “Thank you all for coming. Thank you for being here to start a new chapter of our lives with us. I’m Choi Seungcheol, or S.Coups.”

After bowing, the man passed the mic to the boy on his right side; the goddamn ethereal Yoon Jeonghan, now with a strong pink hair.

“Hello guys, I’m Yoo Jeonghan, please support us a lot.”

Thee crowd’s cheers kept starting and ending between the boys’ time to speak.

“Hey guys! I’m Hong Jisoo, let’s do good and succeed!”

Waving like crazy, the next one had the energy of a toddler. “I’m Jun! LET’S DO GOOD MUSIC!”

They were a lot, Hyungwon realized; thank God they were being succinct.

“Y’all know me as DK, YA BOY, but I greet you as Lee Seokmin too!”

“Jesus, quit that.” Everybody in the room laughed when DK had the microphone taken off his hand. The guy had a voice deeper than the Marianas Trench. “I’m Jeon Wonwoo, we’ll work hard, thank you.”

“Hello everybodyyyyyyyy! I’m Hoshi! Let’s do well! Oh.” After bowing, he seemed to have forgotten something. “Kwon Soonyoung, at your service!”

“Hello everybody, I’m Lee Jihoon, but everybody calls me Woozi. Root for us a lot.”

A lot of whistles ricocheted through the room when the next man got ready to speak. Because well, as always, he was hot as hell.

“It’s an honor to be here today. I’m Kim Mingyu, I’ll work hard for us.”

The boy beside Mingyu made Hyungwon consider dumping one of his dongsaengs for him. So fluffy.

“It’s kinda weird to introduce me as Xu Minghao, now you know my real name though, but I’m also The8!”

The little dance he did after handing the mic was too cute. One of his dongsaengs was definitely getting ditched.

A blond excited boy grinned as he gave a step forward. “Hello, hello! I’m Boo Seungkwan, I’m glad to be a part of this team!”

“Good night everybody!” The greeting in English was unexpected. He was half-westerner, as stated by Changkyun. The rest of his speech was in Korean. “I’m Vernon, y’all gonna hear a lot about us because we ain’t playing around! Thank you!”

The youngest boy of the team had his hair ruffled by Vernon before speaking.

“Hey, guys. I’m Lee Chan, the team’s maknae. Please look forward for our work.”

In the middle of the cheering, someone shouted ‘CHAN YOU’RE THE CUTEST!’ and Hyungwon couldn’t agree more.

It was his friends’ moment. There was this feeling that always hit him when Gunhee was about to be just _too much_ , and Hyungwon was already facepalming.

Wiping off a fake tear of his face, the boy smiled widely.

“I know that this moment was written on the stars, all of us together! Let’s make dope music, get that CASH and be happy! I’m Gun, love y’all!”

The raven-haired couldn’t hold back a smile seeing his young friend so excited. Next to his dongsaeng was the cutest dimples in Korea.

“HELLO! JOOHEON! We are glad to have you here, thanks for sharing this moment with us. LET’S GET IT!”

The people took a bit more time to calm down for the last man’s speech, but it seemed it was almost as planned. Hyungwon knew it was very illogical, but that stayed sentiment with him.

“First of all, I am what I am. No, seriously, it’s ya boy, I.M! Im Changkyun, for the record. I know y’all want to get turnt already but I need a few more minutes of your attention. We are the SEVENTEEN, but there’s only 16 of us in this stage, don’t know if you guys counted because, well, a lot of dudes.”

Good God, Changkyun, always doing the most to be an extra ass dork. That’s why he loved the boy, to be sincere; it was never boring.

“The 17th member isn’t a producer, singer, or anyone in the music industry, but he is a hyung I treasure a lot and I’ll always be thankful for supporting us. Actually, it’s his birthday today.”

_My what?_

_It’s… my birthday?_

At some point, Hyungwon accepted the roof wasn’t going to fall on his head and end that madness, so he could only groan when his youngest friend emphasized his presence to every single person in that basement. The shouting didn’t stop not even when Changkyun started talking again.

“Hyung, I know you’re not a fan of it, but we couldn’t let your birthday pass unnoticed. I’m thankful that you were born and I’m happy you’re my hyung, someone who takes care of me as a real brother. We got something for you, so please come here.”

The clapping and yells didn’t make easier for him to contain the redness on his face, but he accepted the certainty of his fate: first human in history to die of too much awkwardness.

Hyungwon wanted to cry. It wasn’t something he expected, nor wanted — a simple mention would be fine, but it was indeed his birthday, and he really forgot about it, so going with the flow was the only option that didn’t embarrassed him even more. And that was the biggest effort someone had ever done for him his entire life, so he was kinda touched.

It wasn’t that far, but Hyungwon felt as if he was walking across the country. As a gap formed in front of him to allow him to pass, the relief he felt when no one tried to touch him too hard, as he reached the stage, was immeasurable.

Finally looking up, the 16 boys clapped and cheered at him too; Jooheon had a small cardboard box on his hand, while Gunhee put a red paper crown on his head. As his golden-haired dongsaeng opened the box, Hyungwon almost choked. From laughing too hard.

“Hyung!” Changkyun’s voice was louder, and that startled him a bit. “This is a token of our love and appreciation, and also of our 4D asses.”

In front of him, in Jooheon’s hands, was a well decorated little mountain. Of spicy chicken.

“It’s memorable now!” Gunhee shouted. “Quick, Kyun, the candle!”

He hadn’t recomposed himself from cackling when his maknae came closer holding a sparkler candle, with a lot of haste. Hyungwon finally turned around to face the rest of the room, that was way too excited about the fact that it was his birthday. The chant of congratulations was so loud he almost didn’t hear what Changkyun said next.

“Make a wish!”

Blowing the candle as hard as he could, the raven-haired bowed to the people and to his dongsaengs and he grabbed the first piece of chicken, taking a bite. In the middle of his friends’ shouts of congratulations, he took the box and passed to the first person in the crowd; didn’t last long as it was shared.

Changkyun made a hilarious face once he saw the chicken going away, but the rest of his friends appeared in that mayhem; lots of ‘Happy birthday’ were said, some he only read on their lips because of the return of the music.

It was the best birthday of his life, Hyungwon couldn’t deny. Even though he was a bit mortified in the beginning, he had so much fun that night it was very likely to be the most enjoyable party he went to since… forever.

Kihyun hung onto him for most of the night, taking short breaks to eat a snack or take a shot; Minhyuk, Hyunwoo and the rappers weren’t in his vision field anymore, lost in the dance floor. The 13 other boys also congratulated him, and for the first time in his life, Hyungwon really meant when he replied ‘Thank you’ to all of them.

It was almost 02:00 am when he managed to get rid of the Hamster, who finally went to bother his boyfriend. Adjusting the sweaty paper crown on his head, Hyungwon took overwhelmed steps upstairs, but for once, that didn’t mean he was running away; a very strange sensation. Looking for fresh air, his dumb mind forgot it was incredibly cold outside; the delay was useless once he opened the emergency door, the closest to him, and got punched by a wave of cold air.

_Goddamnit._

Watching the small fog coming out of his mouth as he breathed, a very weird realization got to him at that moment.

Hyungwon didn’t make a wish.

And he didn’t notice that Hoseok wasn’t there.

 

Stumbling down a bit because the exhaustion wasn’t giving a break, Hyungwon at last collapsed on the wood plataform in front of his apartment; it was still cold as fuck, but he was too tired to fight against it. Could you imagine the headlines? “Guy freezes to death because he was too lazy to enter his own house.”

It’d be better than having to overthink about something useless.

_Hoseok forgot about it?_

Well, even Hyungwon forgot his own birthday, so why Hoseok would remember? It was a long time ago, for fuck’s sake. What did he expect? He shouldn’t expect anything.

The guttural groan he let out when his phone buzzed on his pocket could’ve got him a noise complaint note.

 

[02:42 am]

Hoseok

_Are you awake?_

Hyungwon:

_I shouldn’t be, for my body is cursed by the cold. I’m forever confined in this icy world._

Hoseok:

_Are you home? I’m in front of your house._

Hyungwon:

_WHAT_

_WHY_

Hoseok:

_Just answer_

Hyungwon:

_Yeah_

 

Rubbing his face to completely look like a trainwreck — go hard or go home — Hyungwon propped himself up with his hands while waited for the man to show up.

A small chocolate cake blocked the way to Hoseok’s face, as he held it and walked in his direction — he could’ve fallen for all he knew. As soon as he got just a couple of meters away from him, Hoseok lowered it down; the smile on the older’s face almost disguised the fatigue on it.

“Happy birthday!”

His voice sounded meaner than he intended. “What’s this?”

Hoseok sneezed. “A cake, Hyungwon. Ain’t a birthday without a cake.”

“No, I mean… It’s almost 03 in the morning, Hoseok. Why…”

Hyungwon almost regreted saying that because of the pout that formed on the older’s mouth. His weak heart…

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there, at the party with the boys. I had a short business trip I couldn’t avoid and I got back, like, an hour ago. Why are you outside? It’s cold.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” The younger was more amused than he should, but he was tired and didn’t give a fuck, so he laughed. “I can’t move anymore, too tired.”

“But the cake will be ruined. That’s a crime.”

Sighing, the taller gave in fast. “I can’t even form an argument. Let’s go.”

 

Hyungwon was glad he bought a bed as soon as he moved in, because he really appreciated at that moment the soft mattress he crashed into. Closing his eyes for a moment, he could hear Hoseok’s footsteps in his ridiculously small kitchen, quickly going back to where Hyungwon was.

“You didn’t have to come here.”

Tilting his head, the older man looked confused. “It’s your birthday, of course I had to.”

“Technically, it’s already past midnight so…”

“I’m sure it’s still January 15th somewhere in the world. And it’s only another day after you sleep.”

His brain couldn’t even function right to make a comeback.

“Let’s cut the damn cake so I can fall into a coma.”

Strolling towards his bed, Hoseok sat on the floor next to him. Somehow, there was a candle on it that he was sure it wasn’t there before.

“Where the hell did you buy a candle at this time?”

“Oh.” He made a pause to lighten it. “I bought last week.”

_What?_

“The cake I bought this morning, though. It was on my fridge, so… sorry if it’s kinda stiff.”

_What the hell?_

“Did you… Why- I didn’t know it was my birthday today. I didn’t remember.”

For some unknown reason, Hoseok didn’t seem very surprised.

“Did you have a good time at the party?”

“Yeah.” Dangling his legs off of his bed, he joined the other man on the floor. “The kids made a chicken cake. I mean, not made of chicken, but just a lot of chicken pilled on a box.”

His eyelids flickered faster when Hoseok started laughing about that; it was a valid reason to stay awake.

“You still have…” Hoseok pointed at his head. “The crown.”

Not in a thousand years Hyungwon would perceive that. While they talked, the candle melted more and more, so it was time for it.

“Make a good wish, Hyungwon.”

Why the hell everybody asked him to make a wish? Hyungwon didn’t know what to wish for. What did he want, for real? What did he need? What would change his life? Questions didn’t have an end, but his patience did.

“I don’t know.” He did the bare minimum in blowing the thing, but it worked. “I don’t want anything.”

“Do you want cake?”

Not really, but he couldn’t deny shit when the man put on those puppy eyes.

“Sure.”

Sticky fingers full of chocolate reached his face, precisely his nose, before he could even open his mouth to ask what kind of fuckery was that.

“The chocolate looks good on you.” Hoseok bursted into laughter, still smearing the icing on his nose, then on his cheeks.

Hyungwon wanted to get angry, he swore for all it was holy (his books and chicken). It was just… Watching the older chuckle so hard felt like being in a trance, and the fact that Hoseok licked his fingers after that nonsense was inhumane.

_How dare he._

“How old are you?” He did try to sound serious, but his expression gave it all away. “Jesus…”

“It’s good. You should try it.”

_Of fucking course you know that, Mr. Casually Licking My Fingers After Getting Cake On Someone Else’s Face._

“I’m gonna eat it with my hand and don’t you dare judge me, I’ll stab you with a pencil.”

Hoseok’s snort teared apart the last string of self-control he had, so Hyungwon took his revenge on the other man. He wouldn’t lose his dignity without a fight.

So, obviously, parts of the cake’s frosting ended up in both sides of Hoseok’s face, just like adults do.

The only response he got was an even louder laughter, while Hoseok slowly removed parts of the icing off of his face.

“Seriously, I don’t know how the hell are you so strong, Hyungwonnie-”

The grin on the other man’s face disappeared faster than sound, eyes staring at everywhere but Hyungwon. He looked legit embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, Hyungwon. I keep fucking up, I won’t-”

“Do you want to know something?”

Not what he expected to hear, by the baffled look Hyungwon was getting.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t regret meeting you. That day, at the apartment, I said I did. It wasn’t true.”

God, his face softened so much as Hoseok tried to understand what the fuck he was saying.

“I-”

Something inside Hyungwon told him that he should start crying, but his mouth endlessly talking the things he didn’t had the courage to say was stronger than any other feeling.

“I was really happy, in the time we had. It wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me. I- I just don’t know… You keep existing next to me and that’s hard.”

“Oh.” Without a care, Hoseok wiped the traces of food off of his face on his white long-sleeved shirt. Now, with just a few spots of the cake on his face, Hyungwon could see the regret on his face. “It’s… I’m sorry, Hyungwon. I’m sorry if it’s still hard to be around me, you don’t have-”

“I didn’t say it was a bad thing.”

“Uhh?”

 _I can’t back off now_. “I… I don’t know what to do, about you. I tried, a lot, to… it’s hard for me to get an answer from myself.”

The older man nodded, looking up at him.

“You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to. If you need space, just tell me. I- It’d be nice, to just be around you.”

“Why?”

“Don’t ask that. You’ll get mad.”

There was a determinance in Hyungwon’s voice that he didn’t know where that was coming from. Probably from his insanity.

“Answer. Please.”

Fully gazing at the younger man, Hoseok put on a sad smile.

“I’m in love with you. I love you and there isn’t another Hyungwon in this world, so just being around you, even as friends, it’s more than I deserve. You don’t trust me enough to believe that, but I want you to know that you’re the love of my life.”

He knew he wasn’t ready, but Hyungwon went all the way and there was he, with chocolate icing on him, being drowned by the tears falling off of his face. The feeling was almost the same as having a panic attack, but the tidal wave that usually crashed on him quickly broke into waters of a soothing sea; the storm was gone and Hyungwon didn’t know how to react to that, he was already too acquainted with the rage.

There wasn’t any relaxation in that silence — the time he was still wasting by being a coward. Was that a risk worth taking? Hyungwon’s tiredness came from every aspect of his life.

“I- I can’t- I can’t unlove you. I tried, but I can’t. Can you explain that?”

“No. I never tried not to love you.”

The half certainty was enough. “You leave me no choice, then.”

On the floor, they weren’t too much apart, mostly because his apartment was small. The rest of the world disappeared when they stopped looking at it and kept staring at each other; everything Hyungwon could hear was his heartbeat slowing down; Hoseok always made him calm, he wasn’t a hurricane that messed him up even more. There was no hurry or demands next to him, even though Hyungwon was still scared to death of everything he did that night.

Hoseok watched him as if he was a vision, that would disappear if he took his eyes from him for a second. The way his chest went up and down faster as Hyungwon pushed his body towards him assured him a bit more; that had always been a natural phenomenon like two old stars colliding against each other. Together, they always created something new; nothing could convince Hyungwon that someone else had ever experienced that, because it didn’t exist before Hoseok and him kissed for the first time, in that beach.

His voice, resurfacing again, lowered to a level which only the raven-haired could hear, torrid centimeters apart. Following with his eyes the features he adored so damn much got a relieved sigh out of Hyungwon.

Instead of thinking, Hyungwon took one of Hoseok’s hands and gently set it under his chin, as it always should have been. An electric shock traveled through his entire body when the man firmly held it.

“Will you regret this?”

Leaning into Hoseok’s touch, like a feline, he was obligated to open his eyes to answer.

“No.”

If desire felt so powerful like like that, he’d understand a bit more why people started and ended wars because of love. The feeling of Hoseok’s lips against his was the only thing that ever mattered in the whole Creation, nothing ever topped that and probably never would. The heavy breathing coming from both of them slowed them down, but Hyungwon was persistent and addicted; wanted more, and more, and more. When all was said and done, that was the best part of loving Hoseok.

Too quick for him to enjoy it more, if you ask Hyungwon. Letting his hands grip even harder on Hoseok’s shirt, he was surprised when the man pulled back after a few seconds — or minutes, the laws of physic didn’t apply to them.

Eyes still shut with hesitance, Hoseok’s hand moved to his nape, making Hyungwon arch his back, while his other arm enfolded Hyungwon’s waist.

With his lips hovering over his, the older now stared at him.

“Are you-”

“Please, shut up.”

Hyungwon knew, even without looking, that Hoseok was grinning; he could feel it on his mouth and how could he ever forget how good that was.

“I guess you’ll have to make me.”

The time he lost wasn’t coming back, so the only option was to make it up for it as much as he could, so he pulled Hoseok into a damn kiss.

This one had so much desperation, so much longing; it was a “I miss you” kiss, a “Please hold me forever” kiss. The years were tough on them, but never erased the perfect mold of Hoseok’s body that fitted Hyungwon so well, so perfectly sometimes he wondered if it was possible for another human to suit him like that. Could they press their bodies against each other so much they’d become one, never apart?

Hyungwon was willing to try that.

Without a hint of prudence, he let his tongue explore the only mouth he’d ever want to kiss in his life; the sound of Hoseok’s moan as he sucked on his bottom lip could have killed Hyungwon, honestly.

Hovering over him on the floor, the crimson-haired man smiled so brightly that Hyungwon turned into a puddle of tenderness right there.

“Hey.” His hand was still on his face, calmly stroking it. “I missed you. I missed you so much.”

Gently pulling him down with both arms, Hyungwon had no doubt in what he said.

“I missed you too.”

It isn’t necessary to say that everything else in that room was long-forgotten as Hoseok’s body leisurely moved against his. Up to that point, Hyungwon didn’t know how he survived an entire year next to that man without kissing the shit out of him; probably because Hyungwon was an idiot with issues to solve first. It was okay, he was willing to try again.

“I won’t ever open my eyes again.”

His voice was still too dazzled. “What?”

“This dream feels too real. I’ll live in here forever.”

In the most Hyungwon way ever, he lightly slapped the older’s neck.

“Ouch! And they say romance is dead.”

“You’ll be the one dead if you don’t shut up and kiss me again.”

“Not here.” Pulling one of Hyungwon’s arms away, he had the space to gesture towards the floor they were lying on. “Your back will hurt.”

“My morals right now don’t allow me to move if it’s not to kiss you.”

Letting out a sneeze, Hoseok acted before speaking. Hyungwon’s yelp probably surpassed the walls of his room, along with his laugh when the older picked him up and put him on the bed.

“We gotta wash up our faces, come on.”

He wasn’t proud of his childish whining, but to hell with that.

“Nooooooo.”

“Uhh… Hyungwon…” Pushing his body up to look at Hoseok, he saw a very confused face. “Do you… want me to stay?”

“Don’t ever leave again.”

“Then you should get a clean shirt for me to sleep.”

Not the cheesiness the younger expected.

“Way to ruin the moment, Shin Hoseok.”

Behind him, he felt instantly when Hoseok’s arms embraced him tightly, burying his head on his nape. He pulled away when Hyungwon patted his arms to give him something to wear.

_This damn man, Jesus Christ._

“Here, this is my biggest shirt so it- Oh, _fuck_.”

Maybe it was just him, but Hyungwon was sure it wasn’t polite to take off your shirt without a warning, especially if you’re Hoseok.

“What? Ain’t the first time you see me shirtless.”

Covering his face with one hand, he used the other to throw the shirt at the other man.

“Put this on before I regret giving you a shirt. Also, why the hell do you have 8 packs now, that’s illegal.”

He had the audacity to laugh. “I had a lot of free time while waiting for you.”

“Then you should’ve eaten junk food and watch corny movies like everybody else! How dare you get hotter.”

“Nice info to know.”

 

With the minimum space possible between them, no other sound in the universe was bold enough to interrupt. Their kisses became lazier as their exhaustion gained more power; Hyungwon still could map Hoseok’s mouth without a hurry, though.

“If I stop talking or kissing you, it’s because I fell asleep.” Hearing the older laugh made him smile too. “I’m… tired, soooooo much.”

Giving him one last peck, Hoseok pulled the comforter completely over their bodies. Hyungwon snuggled into his neck, clasping the older’s shirt.

“Happy birthday. I love you.”

Peeking at the man with one eye open, Hyungwon remembered something.

“Hoseok.”

“Hmm?”

“You’ll say it again, right?”

“Say what?”

“Good morning, goodnight, happy birthday. You…”

In less then a second, a reply that pacified his heart.

“Every morning, every night, every year.”

 

 

Hoseok didn’t know why his dream was suddenly invaded by a blinding light that conquered everywhere; he didn’t really remember what he was dreaming about, though. Peeking through his eyelids, the grey sunlight made it a bit hard for his eyes to adjust right in the morning. Did he forget to close the curtain last night? Well, that sunlight was already a response.

As he tried to get up to feed Bong Cha, Hoseok realized there was an extra weight on top of him. In the middle of that, he also noticed he wasn’t at his apartment, and was being attacked by the sun because Hyungwon never remembered to buy a curtain. The younger was also the one grunting because he was trying to get up, burying his face on Hoseok’s neck to avoid all morning troubles.  

“Noooooooo, sun, noooooo. No getting up.”

It could be since the moment he saw Hyungwon’s sleepy face or just when the latter put a hand over his face to look up at Hoseok when the older’s body got rigid, but there was incontrollably tears wetting his morning face.

“Hoseok?” His groggy voice was real, Hyungwon’s entire being was real. “Are you crying?”

“I- I’m- Sorry, just-”

He never saw Hyungwon sat up in bed so fast before.

“Why are you crying? What happened?”

“You.” In the middle of his sobbing, he managed to say some words. “You’re here, with me. I… dreamed of this… so many times…”

“Oh dear… technically, I’m here because it’s my house, but it’s nice I’m here with you too.”

He was a mess of person that started snickering. Hyungwon wrapped his arms around his neck, bringing him closer.

“You really know how to kill a moment.”

“The universe had to give me at least one talent. Now, stop crying and go back to sleep, it’s like, too early.”

Glancing at the clock on the kitchen’s wall, that was a very bad guess.

“It’s 10:00 am, Hyungwon. Aren’t you hungry?”

“I’ll not only kill the moment, but also you if you don’t come back here to be my pillow.”

“And all this time I thought you liked me, when you’ve been using me as a teddy bear.”

Hyungwon didn’t even opened his eyes to chuckle.

“That’s Hyunwoo hyung. You’re a teddy bunny.”

His phone, somewhere in Hyungwon’s apartment, started playing a very familiar ringtone — Orange Caramel’s Catallena — and for the luck of his lazy ass, it was under Hyungwon’s bed. He didn’t intend to pick up, but Hoseok had a weird feeling as soon as it started ringing.

“Yes. It’s me. Yes, I know him. HE WHAT?”

The man beside him in bed squealed, looking very pissed off.

“What the fuck?”

“Get up, Hyungwon. We have to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sheds single tear] i love monteen
> 
> [kyungsoo's voice] YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING YEONGWONHALGE MY LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE
> 
> this is p much the hyungwonho song in this story just saying
> 
> forgot to say that YALL REMEMBER THE ICONIC HYUNGWON BDAY ON STAGE THAT WONHO DEADASS REALLY SUCKED HIS FINGER AFTER GETTING CAKE OM HYUNGWONS NOSE LMAO
> 
> WJSN'S COMEBACK WAS SO PURE did u see the girls dancing in the same rooftop MX filmed the Hero MV? I LOVE A FAMILY
> 
> someone will dye their hair next chapter........... stay tuned (i realized half through this sentence that it sounded i was going to kill someone its really DYE sorry)
> 
> see yall next week, kids


	17. Here Comes The Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when will i learn to write less than 10k chapters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOMIES! You just missed the craziest of crazies. Termites, tooth hurting, fever, room cleaning, BLACK PANTHER!? Crying for a day because of that movie, getting sick again, organism quickly defeating the illness, THE TEASERS FROM MX COMEBACK, almost dying bc of the heat, updating this days later because technically I can't shut the fuck up and write shorter chapters.
> 
> how yall doing i know im late  
> i advise yall to drink some water, eat something idk bc this is......... a rollercoaster  
> there's something here i think some of yall been... wanting? i promise nothing good
> 
> the title is from a Epik High song  
> enjoy (or not)

The monster under your bed is the misconception of fear you’re taught to build about them, so it feeds on what you imagine. Stop for a second to think about the first time you felt your blood freeze, wanting to scream for help but every muscle too terrified for that; you don’t want to see what’s in the dark, so you start fearing it. It turns out to be very loyal in following you throughout your life.

Hyungwon recalled the first time he felt scared to death, never safe in his own home. From his bedroom, at the age of 5, he could hear all the screaming his parents reserved for their privacy late night; never in front of anybody, of course, too much decorum for that. But Hyungwon heard it all, 2 rooms next door. He heard it and couldn’t sleep that night, afraid to wake up to more yelling, something he started to loathe, alongside with huge confrontations. However, he was a grown ass man now, so there was only so much he could do dodge those.

Adulthood, as one can say, is a fucking nightmare.

Things changes fast and, most of the time, he couldn’t really keep up. What could he do but feeling numb, even though he was being thrown off the cliff. Things changed and Hyungwon felt betrayed by life itself, because he was aware that his comfort zone wasn’t going to get him anywhere, but it was still secure. And God knows that there wasn’t a lot of places Hyungwon felt safe in.

His first instinct was to run, run and pretend that what he was experiencing wasn’t real, that nothing bad would occur. It was better to lie to himself than having to feel like a useless shell, only there for decoration, always part of the supporting cast. But he couldn’t, not that time.

Oblivious of how he was even managing to move, Hyungwon didn’t even had time to let the situation sink in; he got dressed and walked, walked, walked. Enabled by his reveries, he only felt he was a real person again once they entered the building; by the way he clutched Hoseok’s coat, behind him, Hyungwon was worried he would’ve teared it apart for how strong his hold was. Finally making a stop, the expectation of the older man’s time to talk was eating him alive; it didn’t help that the stupid bright lights everywhere tackled his eyes when he tried to looked up.

“Good morning. Can you tell me where Son Hyunwoo is?”

_Right._

Yes, his hyung. It was something about him that made Hoseok get dressed in less than a minute; there wasn’t much to explain, mainly because even Hoseok wasn’t given a clear report. It still disturbed him like insects under his skin, though.

One thing he was certain: nothing good could come from getting a call from a hospital.

Hyungwon was thankful he didn’t have to do the talking that day, because only thinking about that made him want to throw up.

After a few minutes, they met Hyunwoo in the ER, just like the woman at the desk told them, indicating the way they should go. With a bandaged hand, the man rested in one of the beds of the turbulent room, under turquoise sheets, looking utterly… wrecked. Peeking at Hoseok’s face, Hyungwon could easily read the concern that his entire aura emanated.

“Oh, God, Hyunwoo, are you okay?”

As the crimson-haired man sprinted towards the older as soon as he could, Hyungwon couldn’t disregard the atmosphere around him; footsteps eventually being outshined by the different voice tones and the creak of metal gears, all of them too fast, ricocheting through the white walls. The incessant phone ringings and the human heat wave, shaped from the yells and the smell of cleaning products, made Hyungwon feel as if he was trapped in that little bubble. Eventually obliging himself to snap out of that, the younger man followed, with his eyes, the greenish-blue sheets from an edge to the other, where his hyung sat. The latter barely grasped their existence there, though. Only calling his name a couple of times was effective to gain his attention.

“Hey.”

It still didn’t sound like him. That distressed speech startled Hyungwon more than every other thing that day.

“What happened?” Hoseok kept making the right questions, bless him. “What happened to your hand? I got a call from the hospital and-”

“I fell.”

“Did you call Minhyuk? He’s gonna be worried to de-”

“I don’t know where he is.”

Since college, after Hyunwoo started dating Minhyuk, a tale was spread across the campus — at some point it became true — saying that no matter which day or hour, Hyunwoo was the only person that always knew what his boyfriend’s whereabouts.

Feeling his stomach drop, Hyugnwon was incapable of facing his hyung, so he turned his head only to face a speechless Hoseok. All the confidence the man seemed to have was nowhere to be found.

“What do you mean?”

 

 

A hopeless wish that what was happening was just a figment of his dream didn’t last too long against the fading walls bringing him back to the stupid reality. Unaware of where his phone was, currently ringing at 06:00 am of a Saturday, Hyunwoo’s first instinct was to get up to answer the damn thing; one he acquired due his work, nothing too bad. Already up, he tried to apologize for disturbing Minhyuk’s sleep, but the place next to him was already empty.

Which was weird, since his boyfriend wasn’t a morning person at all, much less in the weekends.

He would’ve truly payed attention to that if his head didn’t hurt so much because of all the noise and drinks at the party the night before; they got home just 3 hours before Hyunwoo’s sleep was interrupted by that insolent call, coming from somewhere he wished it didn’t exist.

Sauntering across the apartment like a zombie, he found it on the floor near the couch, finally putting an end to the attempt of exploding his brain.

With a bad hangover, it didn’t help that that call was from his work asking him to take an extra shift within an hour; he wasn’t expecting for his new choreography to be used so soon, mostly because all the idol groups he trained were already promoting, so the man really thought he’d have a break for a little longer.

Well, for more than a day, at least.

Everything inside his body screamed for him to quit that madness and go back to bed, and… oh yes, right, Minhyuk. Hyunwoo forgot to check where the younger man was at that ungodly hour, but the apartment’s fire alarm ringing above his head gave him a pretty clear sign, synchronized with the smoke that came from the kitchen.

For a second, after running towards the chaos, panic ran through his veins with the thought that his boyfriend could be in the kitchen and all the sleepiness inside his body was destroyed by the adrenaline. Trying to reach the epicentre of that mayhem, he covered his mouth and nose with a cloth; the white fog that immersed the entire ambiance still made him cough a bit, though. Once the alarm ceased blasting through the walls, the living room’s window was crucial to let the smoke leave for good. A solid minute later, Hyunwoo stared at a pan almost incinerated on the stove. His considerations about what the hell was going on were interjected by the sound of the front door being unlocked.

“Hi- Holy shit, what’s that smell?”

Minhyuk, still in his yellow pajamas, had a very unique sleepy-frightened face.

Those things happened from time to time, and Hyunwoo knew it wasn’t on purpose, but he was absolutely tired of just having to _think_ about dealing with that. As the years passed by, he got used to these little accidents; Minhyuk, sometimes, distracted or worried about something, often forgot about what he was doing while overthinking. However, not remembering to turn down the fire on the goddamn stove was, really, a new one.

“Did you left the house and forgot the stove on? Seriously?”

His boyfriend’s eyes widened as if he was hit by a tsunami of recollections, primarily the ones his brain didn’t think as a priority, like not trying to get them killed.

Running towards the kitchen, the younger started coughing as he approached his boyfriend.

“I’m sorry, shit, I didn’t remember-”

“How someone forget to not burn down their own apartment, Minhyuk? The alarms went on, for Christ’s sake.”

Deep down, Hyunwoo knew he was being harsher than he should, but for some reason it felt right at that time. Even looking at Minhyuk’s regretful face didn’t change his opinion; he also had his feelings to consider.

“I said I’m sorry, I’ll pay more attention. What do-”

Releasing a sigh that gave him back half of his self-control, Hyunwoo left the kitchen to end that argument.

“Forget it. I have to… I have to work. I’ll take a shower.”

That, apparently, opened the doors for stronger complaints.

“You said you wouldn’t work today!” Minhyuk’s slightly louder voice pierced through his ears like a nail. _Goddamn hangover_. “Your sister, we told her he’d drop by after lunch today. Is this because of the pan? I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to-”

“No, I just have to work.”

“ _Of course_.” He didn’t know why he was surprised when a bitter passive tone came out of his boyfriend’s mouth.

It was the wrong thing to do, something in the back of his mind shouted at him, but Hyunwoo was just too drained to fight against it. Everything he wanted was just a bit less of fighting in the beginning of that day.

“What now, Minhyuk? Look, I’m tired-”

The younger man let out a dry laugh.

“Do you think you’re the only one tired? I am too, and I’m sorry again about the kitchen-”

“JUST FORGET THE DAMN KITCHEN.”

_Fuck. Fuck. Fucking hell._

Every single detail in the way that Minhyuk recoiled at his heated words, seen through the magnifying glasses his eyes became, punched him in the gut with all the remorse he deserved to feel. Not much later, a reply came.

“You never yelled at me before.” Amidst his bafflement, Hyunwoo could see the man’s eyes watering. “I’m really that unbearable? Some days I don’t even see you, when you get home I’m already sleeping. You know, sometimes it feels like I’m living all by myself here. It’s a crime to want to spend more time with my boyfriend?”

“No, it’s just- I’ll make it up for you later, okay? I shouldn’t have-”

“You always say that, Hyunwoo. I don’t even remember the last time you actually fulfilled that promise.”

The clock was working against him, as always, and thoughts of him possibly being an insensitive dick passed through his mind, but Hyunwoo only wished for that conversation to stop. He wasn’t in his best mental or physical state, and it’d be better to convince the man to quit that, but he couldn’t lie.

“I’m not gonna say I’m sorry for working hard for us, for our future-”

A weak thump made a pause in their discussion, as the plastic bag Minhyuk was holding hit the floor.

“Do you think I don’t do that too? When you’re not here, I’m always working so we can stay together more when you get home, but you rarely show up before midnight these days. Do you even remember when was the last time you asked how am I doing? If I’m sad or happy, if something bothered me at work? Or, maybe, why I was so unfocused today that I left the stove on?”

_No…_

“That’s not what meant, you know that. You know how much you mean to me. I asked you to marry me last month, Minhyuk. That’s not enough to reassure you how I feel?”

An angry scowl was assembled on Minhyuk’s face; the type of anger that could tear the fabric of the cosmos apart. A lot of possibilities ran through Hyunwoo’s mind, but the stupid headache didn’t aid him; he’d find out sooner than later.

“Did you…” Taking a step back, visibly to not go off, Minhyuk chuckled, without a trace of joy. “Did you ask me to marry you so… I would shut up about you never being home?”

“What? Of course not, I-”

“Yeah, some texts and food in the fridge is enough for our relationship to last _forever_. You really don’t give a shit how lonely-”

“Minhyuk. I’m trying, okay? I’m-”

“NO, YOU’RE NOT!” It wasn’t the kind of shouting his boyfriend usually directed at him; resentment all over it. “I’m trying _every day_ to keep our relationship alive, but you don’t even try to put an effort to do the same.”

“That’s not true, you know that, so stop it.” God, his migraine was killing him and the time was passing way too quickly. “We’ll talk later when you’re calmer.”

“Don’t fucking patronize me, I know what I’m feeling is real. Why would I make this up?”

Hyunwoo had to massage his temples before responding.

“I don’t know, Minhyuk, so stop it.”

“ _You don’t know_.” The younger man looked at him incredulous. “So you actually think I’m throwing a tantrum out of nowhere, because I am, I don’t know, bored?”

“It’s not like you didn’t do it before.”

His heart cracked the exact moment that fucking sentence left his dumb mouth, refused to be commanded by his brain. The situation was way to fucked up for his fatigue to be an excuse; Hyunwoo didn’t mean it like that, in that condescending tone, like it was expected of the asshole he had been that entire morning. Still doesn’t change the fact that the arrows shot weren’t coming back; the outcome of that being silent tears soaked Minhyuk’s face.

“You’re right. Go do your stuff, I’m done here.”

Trudging towards their bedroom, the younger man passed by their cat, whom he loved to death, without throwing a single glance at her; that’s how much pissed off Minhyuk was.

It took Hyunwoo a few seconds to understand what was happening. When he did, he went to find his boyfriend dumping clothes and other stuff inside a suitcase. A twinge hit his chest at the sight of a crying Minhyuk preparing himself to get out of his life.

“What- what are you doing?”

He didn’t even bother to face the older.

“I’m leaving.”

His entire body wanted to shut down, but Hyunwoo still forced himself to not be a coward.

“Min, please, let’s-”

“No, I don’t want to _talk_.” Cleaning his face with his forearm, his boyfriend closed his baggage faster than Hyunwoo was expecting. “I’ll drop by to get the rest of the things… later, I don’t know.”

Determined in not glimpse at him, Minhyuk tried to pass by him at the bedroom’s entrance, but the taller man’s hands automatically went to reach out for his arm.

“Min, it’s not like-”

“Let go of me. _Now_.”

One shouldn’t be fooled by his boyfriend’s adorable face, the anger in voice could make anyone in this planet bend their knees to him; so Hyunwoo did as he wished.

“Minhyuk, don’t do this. Please.”

It didn’t felt real. Even though he wanted to run towards him, his feet shivered and kept him in his place, just like in a dream when you can’t run even if you try really hard. Nevertheless, Hyunwoo could feel the exact moment his heart broke so badly its pieces got lost deep down his lungs; Minhyuk, already on the hallway, put his suitcase down and took his wedding ring off, quickly crouching down to place it on the floor of the house he was leaving behind.

 

 

“I couldn’t stop thinking about him even at work, so I made a wrong move and fell… He… left wearing pajamas, it’s fucking cold… I’m an idiot, I know that.” Tears rolled down the oldest man’s face as he finished to tell his friends what happened.

Hyungwon felt like fainting, but he wasn’t about to hijack his hyung’s moment.

“I will…” Hoseok was baffled too, by the way he gazed at no particular spot in the room. “I’ll call the kids to ask if Minhyuk is with one of them, he must be, I’m sure he’s alright.”

 

 

Minhyuk was pretty much MIA, based on what he got, or mostly on what he didn’t get.

None of the boys and neither all Minhyuk’s friends Hoseok knew had a clue about where the man could be; even if it was through the phone, it didn’t seem like they were lying by the clear apprehension in their voices; Hoseok didn’t explain much, just supplemented that he’d update them once things were better.

It was like his best friend vanished into thin air.

Seeing how worn out Hyunwoo was didn’t allow Hoseok to mention that, if Minhyuk didn’t reach out for him as soon as possible, things must’ve been pretty serious; he was the first one Minhyuk always searched for help, even when the oldest couple fought for small things.

To be honest, he never thought a day like that would come for them.

While waiting for Hyunwoo to be discharged by the doctor — it wasn’t something serious, just a torsion, but it’d require a few days of rest to completely heal, Hoseok’s attention was swerved by a sound coming from the seat beside him. Frantic feet tapped the hospital floor so hard it could be close to make a hole on it.

“Are you okay?” It was a silly question, Hoseok established soon. No one was even close to ‘fine’. “I’m sorry, Hyungwon, I wouldn’t have brought you if I knew… about this. I was just… worried and you are closer to him than I am so…”

“It’s…” A huge effort to speak was clearly required. “Let’s talk after taking Hyunwoo hyung home, okay?”         

Compelling himself to smile at the younger, despite the shitty period that just started in their lives, Hoseok agreed.

 

The emptiness in that apartment was so strong it was virtually tangible; the rarefied air made it almost unbearable. Stepping inside the house, Hoseok kept waiting for his name to be yelled, or being tackled by the personification of a puppy, that always sensed first when Hoseok had arrived. Minhyuk’s presence always had been something otherworldly, but now the dichotomy between the past and the present emptied out the sunlight, perishing under the curtains that covered the universe’s eyes.

Hyunwoo stopped on his tracks at the entrance of his bedroom, studying every spot as if Hoseok’s best friend would materialize himself there if the older tried hard enough.

Undoubtedly different situations, he should know that things didn’t work the same, but the crimson-haired man couldn’t avoid to think if that was, even a little bit, close to how Hyungwon felt when he left without an explanation, or a proper goodbye. Did he seem that hollow, that numb? Torturing himself could be delayed, so Hoseok chose to keep his eyes on the younger. The latter chatted for a few minutes with his hyung, sitting beside him in his bed; getting up, Hyungwon patted Hyunwoo’s arm as a goodbye gesture.

“He slept.”

Moving out of the passage for Hyungwon to pass, Hoseok demonstrated his understanding with a hum.

Without hesitation, Hyungwon plopped himself on the couch as if he had been waiting all day to do that, releasing a sigh. Unhurriedly, Hoseok went to sit beside him.

“Do you want to talk now? How is it?”

Hyungwon engaged in the conversation, but seemed like he didn’t listen to his question.

“Kihyun is coming. He’s gonna stay with hyung today, or hyung will probably forget to take the meds… etc.”

“I’m asking about you, Hyungwon.”

“Me?” Jaded eyes stared back at him, a prelude to a snicker. “I feel like dying, like screaming, like… I just didn’t pass out because that’s not the priority right now. It seems like every time something good happens, an even shittier one hits the fan. I’m… scared.”

Hoseok’s heart ached at the sight of the other man’s anxiety growing.

“Hyungwonnie…” Moving closer to the man, Hoseok wordlessly offered a hand for the raven-haired to hold. Swiftly, their fingers were entwined. “It’s okay to be afraid. I’m scared too. I… I’m afraid of not knowing… if this thing can be fixed and how that will affect all of us… But I’m with you, okay? I’ll forget that I’m scared if you need me to.”

Even in the silence, Hyungwon looked like he was screaming on the inside. So Hoseok did what he felt he should and embraced him.

“What if-” Choking back a sob, the younger tried to explain. “It’s like the universe is taking turns to fuck with us. First- Kihyun and… the boys, they had that fight but it wasn’t… now, it’s really serious, with Minhyuk leaving… I’m so afraid something will happen to us, to ruin what we have, that I can’t even breathe right.”

“Please, look at me.” Head raising quickly or otherwise he wouldn’t make it, Hyungwon’s watered eyes tried not to blink. “I know it’s hard, and right now you’re thinking that because one bad thing happened, everything will be crumble, somehow. But I won’t let anything happen to you, to us. Actions have a bigger value, so I’ll prove that I’m never gonna leave your side anymore, even if it takes my entire life for that. Gimme one chance to try, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

 

2 days after Minhyuk and Hyunwoo’s break-up, drowned in sheets and in the hours of sleep he forced himself to get to avoid his stupid thoughts, Hyungwon was still in complete lockdown. Going outside requested too much exhaling, too much air that seemed to be doing its job wrong and trying to choke him to death. Inside his personal high tower, the only interactions he ever made since then was a few texts to Kihyun and Hoseok; notifying them that he wanted to be alone, even though the issue was bigger than him and Hyungwon knew it was a dick move to not be helping his friends in that time of need, but he just _couldn’t_ deal with that. There would be more harm than actual solutions with him around.

The perspective of things, in his musings, got so bad that it didn’t seem like it was something happening in his life. You know, when you watch a misfortune fall upon a stranger and you think, while audaciously staring, that you’re really glad that didn’t happen you.

The tidal wave, even from afar, still hit him.

Running away was a very dangerous compulsion, even if that meant to leave the ones he loved helplessly in the dark.

In a bit more than 48 hours, Hyungwon mapped every single part of his apartment’s ceiling; faded spots and small cracks that he never noticed before diverted his mind from taking responsibility; he wanted to whine and scream he never wanted that, but life kept coercing him to get his share of it. The short movements Hyungwon made — to go to the bathroom or to eat something with questionable origins — shrunk the wood floor beneath his feet; his house became smaller every passing minute and the panic crashed into him once more; miserably pondering how their lives would be from now on made him want to cry like a child. Last but not least, how could he try to be with Hoseok again when their friends were breaking apart?

His skin remembered the serene breeze of Hoseok’s touch, and Hyungwon realized how much he craved something related to it at that moment; the _something_ that had to save him before the walls crushed his body. Even if it was just for a minute, Hyungwon needed that peace to be himself again.

After having a taste again of what being with Hoseok felt like, he didn’t want to fight against his needs anymore.

 

[04:14 pm]

Hyungwon:

_Hey_

_Yeah_

_Sorry, are you busy?_

[04:16 pm]

Hoseok:

_Never for you_

_Are you okay?_

Hyungwon:

_Can I call you?_

Hoseok:

………. _yes? Sure._

 

_“Hey. Something happened? I mean… you don’t like calls.”_

God, Hyungwon’s entire body relaxed at the sound of the older’s voice, just a few seconds of hearing it. Not even the awful memory of their last phone call, years ago, was able to ruin that feeling anymore.

“Hi. I’m- I just… Seriously, are you busy?”

_“Not really. Just some paperwork. Are you feeling better?”_

“I want to see you. Can you-”

_“I’m on my way.”_

 

The universe’s favorite type of torture — slowing down the time — made him want to pull his hair off. 20 minutes waiting for the man he called seemed years of longing; probably because Hyungwon had been locked up for too long. A couple of gentle knocks on his door almost made him trip on his comforter by the way he flew towards that sound.

“Hyungwon, it’s me-”

Clearly, he knew he was being pathetic and perhaps overreacting, but Hyungwon couldn’t even wait for Hoseok to enter the damn apartment to start sobbing so hard it hurt his chest.

“Hoseok…” His weeping was blatantly loud and strong; he blamed on his tendency to bottle things up and explode at some point and his therapist would agree. Regardless of that, Hyungwon had no patience to satisfy his wish and bury his face in Hoseok’s shoulder.

He was never relieved more in his entire life than when fingers started to run through his hair. The arms that kept him on his feet were the home he had been wanting to go back to.

“Shh, I’m here, baby, I’m here. You can cry as much as you want.”

His tears didn’t lessen not even when the man pulled Hyungwon up, whom still had his arms across his neck; Hoseok had no struggle to encircle his waist with an arm, and Hyungwon took the opportunity to press his body against the older’s as much as possible, crossing his legs around Hoseok’s torso. As the latter closed the door with his free arm, Hyungwon’s sob built its strength quickly.

“Hoseok…”

Settled in bed by the older, his raspy and cracking voice echoed through the crimson-haired’s chest. After a while, he gently pulled Hyungwon back a bit so they could face each other.

“Do you want anything?”

“You.” His only true wish, even if it would end up taking him down the yellow brick road. “You. I missed you so much.”

Hoseok smiled at him and every defense Hyungwon could’ve summon was useless, as always.

“I missed you too. Feeling a little better now? Have you eaten?”

“Yes, and no. I mean, respectively. Can you… can you take me out of here? I don’t want to be here anymore. I probably look like a caveman, though.”

Hyungwon wasn’t joking, but wasn’t about to argue when a light peck was pressed against his nose.

“Silly. Do you want to go to my place? I’ll cook you something.”

“Okay.”

 

 

[07:01 pm]

Stupid Turtle:

_I’m good, I’ll see you guys soon so don’t worry about me_

[07:05 pm]

Stupid Hamster:

_As if I could stop worrying about your flat ass_

_See you soon_

_Eat something bitch_

 

“What are you laughing at?

In the middle of his dish-washing, Hoseok craned his head towards him, that sat on one of the kitchen chairs behind him, also catching Bong Cha strolling out to rest on her little bed, near the sofa.

“Kihyun is a stupid rodent, pretty much.”

Without noticing, Hoseok snorted.

“Sure…” Sending a final smile at Hyungwon, he went back to his business, but kept their chat going. “If it makes you laugh, I’m a fan.”

Hoseok wasn’t sure if the taller man knew he was at his place when they got there; the unconcerned expression on his face made Hoseok question himself if Hyungwon really knew what was happening, or had any control over it. After spending hours playing with his cat, and promptly taking a nap, the paleness on the man’s face gradually disappeared; the dinner Hoseok made was probably another reason for that, too.

The rubber gloves on his hands were almost falling off of his fingers when Hyungwon’s after-shower scent diffused across the apartment like wild fire; the vision of the raven-haired wearing one of his sweaters and sweatpants, also provided by Hoseok, gave him a tough time to make his heart shut up. As always, every garment he owned looked better on Hyungwon.

His mind was still stuck in that subject when he felt arms clinging onto his torso, and Hoseok went really close to have an out-of-body experience for a second; the chances he screeched were high, not that he’d admit. Every single one of his muscles relaxed when the owner of those limbs chuckled behind him.

“Sorry.” Hyungwon laughed again, and he couldn’t protest even if he wanted to. “I just… I miss you.”

His poor heart that almost melted to the core.

_Don’t forget how to speak, Jesus, go on._

“Not- not gonna complain, you know, about it… at all, just keep doing this every time you miss me.”

Snorting on his shoulder, Hyungwon nodded against it. Right after a brief silence, he sounded determined when finished his sentence.

“I miss you _right_ _now_.”

The last dish being washed actually fell off of his hand, luckily not shattering inside the sink, because Hoseok was caught so off guard that a guttural sound escaped his throat as soon as he felt a pair of lips brushing against his nape. There was a bit of embarrassment about how easily Hoseok leaned against the younger’s chest, clasping the hands around his waist. One could only had so much self-control, and even though it wasn’t planned, it felt right to turn his body around and tug the man down to crash his lips against Hyungwon’s.

Feeling a grin forming on the raven-haired’s mouth, Hoseok didn’t care what happened after that; when Hyungwon thrusted his back against the sink, hands crawling up and down Hoseok’s chest, all he could do was gasp and rake Hyungwon’s neck like the needy idiot he was. The younger had a hunger he never witnessed before with someone else; he kissed like they were under quicksand and everything would end soon, but ended up taming it into the birthplace of the thunderstorms created by sparkling gap between their bodies as Hoseok felt Hyungwon’s breath mixing with his.

It could be confirmed that Hoseok lost his shit when he felt his hair being yanked, while a hot breath leisurely traveled up and down his face. To be fair, Hyungwon exhaled so much energy that it could power up the entire apartment for hours.

From time to time, Hoseok still wondered if he wasn’t dreaming about all of that; when the thought arrived, ready to destroy his mood, he pushed their bodies together as much as he could to forget all the time he survived without him.

One of Hyungwon’s hand shifted to stroke his neck, smiling on Hoseok’s mouth again and securing a hold on his hips; the damn brat knew what he was doing to him and was absolutely delighted by that — it would be infuriating if Hoseok wasn’t too busy moaning while trying to breathe at the same time.

Hyungwon was making a mess out of him, legs brushing faster against each other, but decided that wasn’t enough, so he pulled away from their kiss to attack the next target.

At that point, all Hoseok could do was clasp a hand around the younger’s nape, while the other one gripped the sink to keep him standing — not an easy job, Jesus Christ. Not really needed to say it was becoming impossible to pull himself together with Hyungwon ruthlessly sucking on his neck, teeth slithering down his throat just like a predator.

That was how Hoseok wanted to leave this world, for the record.

“Hyungwon- Fuck, oh… Hyungwon, we-”

His capacity to speak went missing when one of Hyungwon’s hand found a way inside his shirt.

_It’s now or never._

“Hyungwon. Hyungwon.” If he heard Hoseok, it was unnoticeable by the way he was determined on giving him the biggest hickey ever made, and Hoseok almost faltered. “Hyungwon… don’t do this.”

The change was inevitable, but he still hated the mechanical way Hyungwon immediately darted away from him, because God knows it took all of his strength to make that request. Drawing in a sharp breath, the older man was apprehensive to face Hyungwon and that was also something he fucking detested; those little breaches in their relationship that were unclear to display if things were on the right path. His hopes of not having ruined everything shortened when he finally looked up at the raven-haired, whom seemed to be between confused and mortified.

“You don’t want…”

“Of course I do.” He quickly reassured him. Hoseok wanted, truly. “But not like this.”

Hyungwon was now only entirely confused. “I don’t understand.”

Hoseok didn’t quite understand neither, but risking once more, he did what he felt it was the right thing for both of them.

“You don’t believe me yet. Don’t worry, I’m not saying it’s wrong, you should take all the time you need. I don’t want to do _this_ and… mess up the things between us. I don’t want to risk losing you. And I know you’re still concerned about the break-up, and everything about this. I don’t want for us to be a distraction.”

Maybe banging his head on the wall would make Hoseok less like an imbecile.

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh, baby, you don’t have to.” Why Hyungwon always thought it was his fault, no matter the subject? Hoseok wanted to scream at the world for making the man feel like that. “I just… Hey, look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong, you hear me? I want this, _us_ , to be perfect, at the right moment. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time… I want it to be special. I want everything to be perfect for you.”

Hyungwon still couldn’t face him, but at least replied. “You’re already perfect. I’m-”

“You’re most beautiful human being alive, and also smart and funny and such a caring person. The whole package, to be honest. I’m just happy that you chose me, a peasant, to be with.”

How could he not chuckle when the man in front of him blushed so hard he must’ve been regretting starting that argument with Hoseok.

_I love you, I love you, I love you._

“You’re so cute, baby, so squishy.” Peppering Hyungwon’s face with kisses, he let go of him when he felt a slap on his shoulder and bursted into laughter again.

“I’m not… _squishy_! And- I’m- Ugh, nevermind, I hate you. And… ‘ _Baby’_? You’re still sticking with it?”

“Sorry. I didn’t ask you if I-”

“I’m not complaining. I’m picking on your weak ass cheesiness.”

“Should I call you Mr.-”

Cutting through Hoseok’s speech by grabbing his shirt, Hyungwon’s face betrayed his fake anger. It was so damn adorable that he fell in love all over again.

“Don’t you _dare_. I’ll take the ‘baby’.”

 

 

It was something pointless to observe, but the only room Hyungwon ever slept that had 2 bedside tables was his own, back in Gwangju. He couldn’t explain why, but that was really nice to have around; looking at his phone charging beside him, on the ivory table, he felt like a satisfied fool. Along with everything that Hoseok’s hands touched, his bed was way warmer than Hyungwon’s, which made him relax as soon as he laid down on it, next to the warmest human being on Earth.

The concern growing roots inside his chest didn’t let him daydream for too long.

“I feel kinda guilty to feel happy when Minhyuk and Hyunwoo hyung…”

“Me too.”

“Really?” Propping his chin up with an elbow, Hyungwon lifted his head to gaze at the crimson-haired, currently sitting down, doing something on his laptop.

“Yeah.” There was a sad smile on Hoseok’s face that tried hard to cheer him up. “I… don’t even know where Minhyuk is right now. What if he- He’s wrecked, I know. I’m worried about him, about Hyunwoo…” His eyes traveled all the way down to smile at Hyungwon again. “At least I have you.”

“Do you think… they could…”

“I don’t know, baby. I have to see Minhyuk first, but that dickhead won’t let me know where he is. You know we won’t find him easily.”

He agreed.

“Minhyuk is too smart for his own good. But I think I have an idea where he might be.”

“Really? Where?”

“It’s… better to show. We can go check tomorrow.”

“Okay. By the way…” Putting his computer aside, Hoseok now laid beside him. “Are you going back home tomorrow or staying? I don’t mind, just gotta know to cook something you like if you stay.”

“I can stay for lunch. Are you coming home?”

“Now I am.”

 

 

With certain shyness, the sun still rose everyday as if the world hadn’t ended — how could it do that to him, the one who loved it the most? It was betrayal, it was retribution. And it hurt like hell. In all the tomorrows without him, like tattoos, his regrets were marked on his skin; his heart broke apart in more pieces than he could count.

Pictures and videos didn’t make justice to Minhyuk’s powerful aura, but those were everything left for Hyunwoo. He shined even if the world were to fall into a perpetual darkness, only because he was born that way. A paradox, a mystery, maybe; Minhyuk was Minhyuk and the world couldn’t comprehend because he wasn’t made to be understood, just to be admired. That’s what Hyunwoo tried to do, ever since he laid eyes on the younger man, erroneously entering his class and sitting beside him; the one who once was just a beautiful stranger, then a precious friend and, finally, the man he loved more than anything. In the dark back of his eyelids, Minhyuk was there, in every single moment; he laughed and dragged Hyunwoo along with him, with so much excitement about life that, sometimes, made the older man think of him as an unbreakable soul.

Perhaps Hyunwoo was made of the opposite star, unknowingly born to be the one capable of creating a supernova inside Minhyuk’s chest.

His fingers were tired of typing so damn much on his phone; he knew the younger man didn’t read all the hundreds of texts he sent, but he still did it. When left alone with his thoughts, Hyunwoo messaged him when he saw a dog on the streets, when he sipped on a coffee that didn’t taste the same, when he heard a song that Minhyuk liked… Stuck in that hopeless dream, his body moved automatically to realize his daily duties, the same ones that drove the man he loved away. Nothing or no one to blame, though; how could he, when those dreadful words came out of his mouth to ruin everything? Hyunwoo didn’t feel worthy of saying his name, but he called for Minhyuk all the time, a prayer that he hoped the man could hear; words that put together only meant “You are all my firsts”.

He barely noticed the passing of the time, but it had been 3 days since their fight — Hyunwoo refused to see that as an ending — and no one could find the man. He’d find that astounding if he didn’t know Minhyuk; if he didn’t want to be found, it was almost 100% certain that no one would. That’s what scared him the most: the thought of never seeing him again.

Even though he knew his friends meant well by dropping by at least once a day, Hyunwoo felt like a sick man whom everybody would like to say their farewells to, but that was not it, because it wasn’t the end. They cared even though they knew he had been a jerk to Minhyuk, and Hyunwoo appreciated it a lot, it just… it didn’t felt right to be living without him. Every time he went out, he told to his hollow house where he was going, and later announced his arrival to the noiseless furniture; Minhyuk wasn’t there, but he wasn’t going to let the little world they made together forget who he was — how could it dare?

_Minhyuk, Minhyuk, Minhyuk, Min-_

“Hyung?”

Jooheon’s voice almost made him flinch, out of surprise. It’s not like he wasn’t aware of the boy’s presence; it was just easy to forget about the rooms Minhyuk didn’t occupy. From the couch, Hyunwoo watched the stars adorning the coal-black vastness, mostly because that was the same sky the man he loved could be gazing at.

“Yes?”

“Gunhee is buying food. Do you want something specific?”

“No.”

In his peripheral vision, the young rapper nodded.

“You have to stay strong, hyung. This storm… is just temporary.”

If he had energy, Hyunwoo would explain that Minhyuk was the storm of his life, and that he never craved peace.

 

 

Even though they were still in Seoul, it felt like he was driving to a faraway land, not because of the distance, but for the way the skies seemed to lose its color every minute they got closer to their destination.

Beside him, in the passenger’s seat, Hoseok stared at nowhere in particular outside the window — more than anything, he looked afraid of what he could find. Hyungwon could feel his breath getting heavier, more difficult to control, but that wasn’t time for that and for once his brain was cooperating, so he was cool, sure. Tightening his hold on the steering wheel, he recalled again how much he just wanted all of that to end; without noticing, he sneezed faintly because everything screamed that that thing wasn’t even close to ending.

 

 

Out of all the places Hoseok thought Hyungwon could be taking him to, an abandoned theatre was really something that didn’t cross his mind. Once they were out of the car, he took a good look at the place. Despite not being on the brink of collapsing, its structure was extremely worn out by the time and nature itself; the 2-floor building painted in beige and red couldn’t make itself more clear that it was very uninviting.

“What’s this place?”

As the pale sunlight disappeared behind him, the taller man sighed when he was done checking the place.

“Minhyuk once told me, you know how he doesn’t shut up when he’s drunk, about an old ass theatre he used to go a lot when he was a kid, you know… he was lonely and he used to play here, I think. Back then he said it was close to where he lived, so I looked up and this is the only one in the area. Seems like a place Minhyuk would hang out on, by the way.”

It did. Odd and unique just like him.

They barely set a foot inside the building and he already heard Hyungwon coughing, behind him, because of all that dust. How the hell could Minhyuk have been there for 3 entire days?

“This looks like a place Pennywise would live. Also could be a good spot for opening a portal to hell, I’d give it 3 stars in my review.”

If he wasn’t so caught up in that situation, Hoseok would’ve laughed hard at that comment. He chose to give just a chuckle because, you know, the bad timing.

“Wanna try go upstairs?” Already standing on the modest stage in front of Hoseok, the raven-haired pointed to the stairs behind him.

“You know…” One step ahead of Hoseok, the younger looked at him over shoulders. “We have to bring Gunhee and Jooheon here later. I’d have the time of my life watching them shriek. Pretty please?”

Using humor to avoid dealing with his feelings wasn’t something new about Hyungwon, but he got so good at doing it that Hoseok was a bit amused. Distracted by that fact, if he hadn’t moved forward 1 second faster, Hyungwon would’ve fallen on his back, probably dragging him down the stairs too.

“I take it back.” Clinging to Hoseok’s chest, Hyungwon almost looked like he was gonna cry, but he was still joking around. “This place wants me dead.”

“Just look where you’re walking on, dummy.” The older turned him around a bit to show the crack on one of the steps. “Are you hurt?”

“No, thanks. Come on.”

That floor was pretty much in the same state as downstairs, but electricity seemed to be running up there. In front of them stood a large hall, probably used by the theatre staff back then, with a bigger ivory door at the end of it. Seemed like the obvious choice for them to check out for some sign of their friend.

In the middle of the path, Hyungwon patted his arm, murmuring.

“Hoseok?”

“Hmm?”

“This is how those white people die in horror movies, right? I can’t believe we’re the whites.”

He couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Stop overreact-”

The strident scream that went through his ears could’ve easily broken every single object made of glass present in the building, but at least the lamps seemed to have resisted well. Hoseok was sure he stopped breathing for a second when a loud cry came from the adjacent hall, drowned in darkness, and also behind him.

“Oh my God.” Craning his head towards Hyungwon, the latter crouched down in an attempt to calm himself. “It’s us, you fucking idiot.”

Hoseok turned around again and, that time, the pale figure of his best friend ambled in their direction, a couple of meters away; a mess from head to toe, or in other words, the personification of the expression “looking like shit”.

“Hyung? What are you- How did you-”

“That’s not the point!” While he couldn’t utter a single response to his best friend, Hyungwon seemed very keen to express himself. “You fucking disappeared. Did you know how worried everyone is about you, thinking that, I don’t know, you could be dead in a ditch and we would never know?”

Minhyuk was still frozen from the initial shock, but Hoseok finally managed to snap out of his fear.

“Hyungwon, _enough_.” He didn’t need to turn around to see the taller man backing off like a puppy that had just been reprimanded. _Damnit_. “Minhyuk, what are you doing in here?”

His best friend chose to answer by bursting into tears, as if he had been holding them back the entire time he was away. Even though Hoseok didn’t understand why the younger hadn’t come to him as soon as things happened, he hugged the dark-haired man with all the empathy he had inside him, letting all those tears collapse on his shirt as a breaking point. Minhyuk pulled back faster than he expected, choking back a last sob, staring back and forth between Hyungwon and him.

“I’m sorry. I just… wanted to be alone, I couldn’t- I can’t-”

“I know. But we love you, so you scared us to death disappearing like this. At least text me next time, so I can have proof that you’re still, you know, alive.”

After a whimper, his friend nodded. By the look on his face, he seemed to have remembered the essential.

“Did he… He told you?”

Hyungwon’s voice, still behind him, was faster. “Yeah. We heard it all in the hospital.”

“Hospital?” His best friend furrowed his brows quickly.

“Yeah… Hyunwoo fell and hurt his hand, but nothing serious. Come with us, Minhyukkie. You can’t stay here forever.”

“It’s not forever.” The man retorted, getting on his feet. “Just… just until…”

“Please, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon’s voice was almost a whine. “If you say no, we’ll have to stay here and I’ll have to kill that fucking clown.”

For the first time since their encounter, Minhyuk smiled.

“Really looks like that place Pennywise lived, right? I love _it_. Got _it_? _It_ … _it_?”

All the taller man did was roll his eyes.

“I hate you both. I’ll wait downstairs.”

Sitting on the floor, Minhyuk continued their conversation. It was pretty clean, compared to the rest of the place, almost as if only that spot had been cleaned.

“How is…” Fidgeting his jacket, he seemed to have rethought his discourse. “Everybody. How are they?”

“Well… Changkyun isn’t talking with Hyungwon, Gunhee and Jooheon fought with Kihyun yesterday and I had to stop at least 2 fights between these last 3 since Saturday. Except that, we’re fine.”

“Is this… because of me? Because of the fight?” At the sight of Hoseok’s nod, his younger friend almost started crying again.

“We… it was just really unexpected, we don’t really know what to do about it. You two always were the strongest couple among us, then I receive a call and… I was really concerned about you, Minhyukkie. We all are, including him.”

“I’ve made up my mind, hyung. About everything, I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

 

 

The road ahead of him emerged from obscurity as he drove over it, only demonstrating signs of life through the city lights — still too far away from them. Hyungwon was trying to avoid diving too deep into his reflections, mostly because he was the one driving the car they were in, but also because it wasn’t time for him to freak out again. He could handle that.

Even if he couldn’t, Hyungwon was conditioned to do it anyway.

Using the rearview mirror, he could see Hoseok looking at nothing specific through the window, this time in the back seat, with an asleep Minhyuk using his lap as a pillow.

“Hoseok?”

It took a few more seconds than usual for him to reply.

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry. About what I said to Minhyuk, in the theatre. I…”

“Don’t worry too much about it. I know you care a lot, Minhyuk too. Did I… sound too harsh?”

_Why is he adorable like this._

“No. I’m not the most capable person for these situations so… it’s fair.”

Quickly turning around, Hyungwon should’ve known he’d be struck with a smile.

“You did just fine.”

 

“I’ll come back tomorrow. Take care of yourself, weirdo.”

Trapped inside Minhyuk’s hug, in the hallway of Hoseok’s apartment, the idea of seriously dropping the man back at that abandoned place passed through his mind because Hyungwon was an asshole with a lot of intrusive thoughts. Too late, though, since his luggage already was settled on Hoseok’s living room and the dark-haired man was saying his goodbyes to him.

“Thank you, Wonnie. I love you too.”

“Minhyukkie.” A voice inside the apartment finally made him release Hyungwon, and bless Hoseok for that. And other things, but let’s not get into that. The oldest appeared at the entrance, entertained by his PDA hell. “I put new towels on the bathroom and got that shirt you like to use. You can go.”

The smile the man gave him was forced, but Hyungwon chose to appreciate it anyway.

“Hyung, make him company til the elevator.” It wasn’t a request, Minhyuk already had pushed Hoseok outside his own apartment. “Bye Wonnie!”

Hyungwon didn’t realize it sooner, but it was really good to hear the crimson-haired laughing at that silliness, or just genuinely laughing in general. Kihyun’s voice inside his head screamed in mockery about how goddamn smitten he was for that man.

The red panel, over the elevator entrance, indicated it was 3 floors away from arriving.

“I know we didn’t talk about this…” It was nearly dramatic the way Hoseok leaned on the wall. “I think it’s better to wait to… tell them, I mean- If you want to, I’m fine and-”

“Hoseok.” Stretching out his arm to capture the older’s hand, he concluded his thoughts. “I also think the moment isn’t good, we don’t need another whirlwind. It’s fine.”

All was well until the goddamn elevator got to Hoseok’s floor. The latter started the same ending speech of always.

“Text me when you get home. Eat something and sleep well, okay?”

With one foot inside the elevator, Hyungwon let go of his hand only to push the man inside by his collar; the older almost tripped on his own feet when Hyungwon pressed him against the metallic wall, door naturally closing behind them.

“Don’t scream. It sounds like I’m kidnapping you.”

“You _are_ kidnapping me!”

He let his hands slid to Hoseok’s neck, calmly, and all was well until he felt they were already one floor down.

So Hyungwon squeezed the stop button.

When his eyes laid on Hoseok’s face again, the older almost seemed to be in a trance, incapable of even reacting.

“Hoseok…” He wanted to use his money to buy all the time in the world and stay like that, rubbing his lips against Hoseok’s. “When all of this is over… I’m going to eat you alive.”

It was more amusing than it should be watching Hoseok choking on thin air, snorting a few seconds later.

“Now you sound like Pennywise.”

“Fucking hell, and you said I’m the one who kill-”

Fair enough for him to have Hoseok’s mouth crashing into his, to be honest.

Not even the cold air inside that elevator could defeat the sparkles, building up itself until became silent fireworks. Tasting the older man’s tongue desperately exploring his mouth, Hyungwon didn’t want to have to hurry, and Hoseok didn’t seem to care about that either by the leisure way he took his time, hands perfectly fitting on his hair. Those warm hands on his skin made everything else seem worthless; their bodies, together like that, felt like the arrival of a renaissance, even if that damned world didn’t deserve. Hyungwon’s addiction was getting worse, he could feel by the way he squeezed his arms around Hoseok’s waist and God, he wanted him and there was no shame in that, it didn’t matter what the universe could say about it.

Hyungwon would tear it all apart if it meant to have Hoseok.

Hoseok’s mutter reverberated inside his mouth.

“I don’t want to let you go.”

“I thought you were the one being kidnapped.”

Fully embracing him now, the older sighed. “That’s why it’s hard to be like this with you. I don’t want to stop. I want you forever.”

_This damn man turning my legs into jelly._

“Min- Minhyuk will pester you if you take, you know, too long. I’ll come back.”

“You better.” No matter how many times Hoseok smiled at him, the bats in his stomach would _always_ act up. “Come back to me or I’ll go after you.”

Pulling away a bit to press the button that kept the elevator from moving, Hyungwon giggled, looking at Hoseok over his shoulder.

“That sounded romantic _and_ menacing at the same time. I love it.”

 

[06:55 pm]

Hoseok:

_I forgot_

_SORRY_

_Goodnight, Hyungwonnie._

Hyungwon:

 _He rises_ _™_

_Goodnight, Hoseok._

 

[07:10 pm]

2xhyung:

_We found him, oompa loompa_

_Minhyuk is fine, get fucked_

weirdest maknae:

_WHERE_

_not that im talking w you again_

_im not_

_how dare u say that i was makin things worse_

_just bc said we should Before Sunrise our way outta this problem_

2xhyung:

_This movie sucks_

_And there’s a HYUNG missing in your sentences_

weirdest maknae:

_this no longer abt our friends only, hyung_

_its abt MORAL INTEGRITY and RESPECT, hyung_

_the before trilogy is a masterpiece, hyung_

2xhyung:

_What kind of heterosexual white baloney is this_

weirdest maknae:

_said the man fan of the BLADE TRILOGY_

2xhyung:

_Look, you cock-juggling thundercunt_

_I’ll rip your throat out with my teeth next time I see your philistine ass_

 

_weirdest maknae changed your nickname to “least favorite hyung”_

 

least favorite hyung:

_Live each day in fear, Im Changkyun_

 

[07:21 pm]

Kyunnie:

_i made amends w hyungwon hyung we good now ily_

the reason i keep breathing:

_you two stopped talking to each other for like 2 days aint that deep_

_also: this nickname tf_

Kyunnie:

_bc i love you more than the everythin in the universe and youre more beautiful than the all the stars in the sky and i want to grow old w you_

the reason i keep breathing:

_fuck off idiot i just smiled in the fuckin bus_

Kyunnie:

_sshhhh dont fight it_

 

 

Standing there, in front of the apartment he used to call his home not so long ago — literally, 5 days ago — Minhyuk felt like he was sinning. The place had been his holy ground for almost 2 years; inside those walls, he laughed, cried, made love, received his friends over for their shenanigans, and much more. It was a history textbook in shape of an apartment. Historians of the future would wander around and watch the sunrise and the sunset of his life; it all began with Hyunwoo, and they probably will suppose it ended with him, too.

After a couple of days in Hoseok’s house, whom he loved very much for caring about him, Minhyuk decided to face what he had to do, even if his heart still hurt so bad that even all the breakdowns, throughout the days, weren’t enough to empty him out. The clock stroke almost 09:00 am — a time he chose because he was told Hyunwoo would be there. As the door unlocked, he heard familiar meows coming in his direction.

“Bora! I missed you. Did you miss me?” Picking up the cat, Minhyuk petted her the way he knew she liked it, under her chin. “Papa loves you so much, Hoseok’s cat isn’t that cute like you. Don’t tell him I said that. Are you hungry-”

_Fuck._

“Minhyuk?” If he wasn’t seeing the man in front of the bedroom’s door, Minhyuk could easily assume he was hearing things, for it was almost a whisper. “Is really you? Did you-”

_Come on, you can do it, it’s for the best._

“Can-” His voice was already cracking, Jesus Christ. “Can we talk?”

Hyunwoo moved fast towards the living room, sitting on one of the edges of the couch.

_Their couch. No, Hyunwoo’s couch._

“Min, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I said that day and for yelling at you, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, I’m an idiot.”

_He’s not making it easy._

“I…” _Please, don’t freeze._ “I want to tell you why I was distracted that day.”

“I should’ve asked, I’m sorry.” There was so much sorrow in the older’s eyes that made it hard for Minhyuk to breath.

To avoid eye contact, he lowered his eyes to Hyunwoo’s hands and remembered something.

“Is- Is your hand okay?”

The younger man was trying to sound composed, honestly. Perhaps the hardest challenge of his life and he was already half failing.

“Yes, it doesn’t hurt.”

“Nice… Err… I said I wanted to tell you about that day, so…”

Bravely looking up at Hyunwoo again, he decided to spill it all without a single pause.

“I got an offer to work at game development company. I applied last year but I thought I wouldn’t make it. I did. They liked my designs and asked for more to evaluate, they liked… and because I know programming, it was a bonus, so they offered me a job. I didn’t tell you back then because I didn’t want you to be disappointed later, so… Anyways, it’s required I do a 1-month training in Busan, to get to know how they work because I’ll deal directly with the branch there. I didn’t know if… The way we were, I didn’t know if our relationship could handle that because… I accepted, Hyunwoo. I thought a lot about it and… I’m sorry too. I was stressed and said nothing, didn’t ask for help… You’ve always been doing your best… I’m proud of you. I think this will be good for us, to think clearly.”

During his explanation, the dark-haired man looked away a little bit; when he gazed at Hyunwoo again, a stone-faced expression was everything he could grasp. He was perplexed.

“What do I have to think about, Minhyuk? I love you, always will.”

_I know._

“I think… All these years, together, we got… too comfortable. Our individuality got so pushed aside we kept doing things for each other, but rarely _with_ each other. I won’t lie and say that those things you told me didn’t hurt me, but as I said, I thought a lot about it. You’re not in this relationship alone, so I’m part guilty too. Let’s… think about it during this time. We can talk when I come back, okay? Remember to take Bora to the vet next week-”

“Just answer me this. Are you breaking up with me? You left your ring behind, but I want to hear it from you.”

He didn’t want to answer. His legs begged him to run to the bathroom and cry, but…

“I… don’t know, hyung. I don’t have an answer for that, but I can’t ask you to wait for me-”

“I can wait. 1 month, 1 year, it doesn’t matter. I’ll be here, waiting.”

 

 

They were parting ways for now, but the world was parting in half for him. Hyunwoo wanted to be extremist, just like those dickheads in TV dramas, and stop Minhyuk to pick up the rest of his things, but he knew better than jeopardize the future of the man he loved. Every single thing of his, that Minhyuk put in a smaller suitcase, took a piece of his heart with him; that was gonna be his life now: coming home to an apartment with no one but his cat — _their cat_ — to greet him, hollow spots everywhere.

“I’m going.”

Hyunwoo begged himself to be that kind of selfish asshole, but all he could do was nod, memorizing every single detail about Minhyuk he got his eyes on.

_He’s so beautiful._

“Take care, hyung. Take care of Bora too, I trust you with her.”

Only when the other man was with a hand on the doorknob that Hyunwoo managed to say something.

“You will leave the ring again?”

His heart was breaking all over again, just like a curse from the Gods.

Turning around a bit, Minhyuk bowed.

“Keep it safe.”

 

 

[08:56 pm]

Hyungwon:

_Minhyuk took the train well?_

[08:59 pm]

Hoseok:

_Yeah_

_He hugged me for like 5 min and cried and then laughed when Gunhee made a joke about zombies on the phone_

Hyungwon:

_Are you okay?_

_Scratch that_

_On a scale of Hyunwoo hyung to Gun, how are you holding up?_

Hoseok:

_I’m…_

_I’m Kihyun, stress cleaning to avoid having to deal with his absence and shit_

_Btw I was gonna tell you_

_I gotta leave for a day tomorrow, I’ll come back in the morning_

_Some symposium I have to attend, lord help me_

Hyungwon:

_Btw, I was gonna tell you_

_Marsha and Daran are in Korea but you were faster_

_They wanted to see us_

Hoseok:

_Oh shit_

_How long they staying?_

Hyungwon:

_Don’t worry, a week I think_

_I’ll meet them tomorrow without my interpreter, but it’s fine_

Hoseok:

_Ugh………………… Sorry, baby_

_We can go anywhere when I come back, sorry_

Hyungwon:

_[in a joyful voice] It’s fine, chill_

Hoseok:

_It’s hard to imagine your joyful voice_

_I’ll picture that one from when you sing along to DBSK videos on youtube_

Hyungwon:

_The defamation is real_

_I’m very joyful I’ll tell you that, I wore a yellow shirt once_

Hoseok:

_Of course baby_

_Have fun with them, not too much because I won’t be there_

Hyungwon:

_I’ll have a lot of fun, Mr. Joy Police Officer_

_My integrity is at stake now_

Hoseok:

_Good morning and goodnight <3_

Hyungwon:

_Good morning, dumbass. And goodnight._

 

At some point, Hyungwon just accepted that Seoul was a city that hated him. The night before, he had prayed — actually prayed to whoever God available — for that evening to be a warmer one. He was going to have dinner with the Thai women, and by the way, the realization he hardly had any topic to speak with them was eating his brain alive. What if things got too weird and they never would want to see him again? Hoseok liked them a lot, so he couldn’t ruin it.

Marsha and Daran weren’t exactly his friends or noonas; most of the time they spent together was talking about business stuff, and Daran mostly chatted with Hoseok in french… all while Hyungwon managed to be the dickhead of the century.

For some reason, that meeting it felt like the open season for acting like an idiot.

“Hyungwon!”

A thick fog covered most of the sky, dragging the biggest constructions with it; the way it seemed to have influence even on the ground was extraordinarily bothersome. Why couldn’t the moon just appear for like, 30 minutes? Shine a little bit, he didn’t know how science that worked, but it should be a little warmer. Maybe. It shouldn’t be cold when his personal heater wasn’t here.

Marsha, lively as always, waved at him from the restaurant’s entrance — one of those his parents would frequent, or rich people in general, especially built in the heart of Gangnam. To appear less of a mess of a person, Hyungwon even put on one of those suits he used to wear at the Royal, absurdly expensive. People would really look at you strangely if you weren’t dressed like everybody else in that fucking building.

Waving back at them, he got up to greet the couple; in the end, they just bowed to him, in the Korean way, and Hyungwon did the same. Perhaps it was a respect about cultures thing, but he didn’t care enough to analyze.

“Are you two well?”

_Great question. Look at you, socializing. You go, bitch._

As always, Marsha was the one who replied in Korean.

“Yes, thank you. I see you’re doing well too. I’m glad.”

Beside her, the taller brunette spoke in Thai with her wife; Hyungwon had forgotten how tiring it was not to understand what someone was saying.

“Daran is asking if you… Sorry if I’m upsetting you. She’s asking if you have Hoseok’s contact.”

_Why did she apologize?_

“I don’t understand? I’m not upset. He wanted to come, but he had a work thing in Daegu. Again, I don’t understand?

Marsha, sharing a weird look with her wife, spoke with the latter before answering.

“We… I don’t want to be rude, or meddle in your life… Don’t take this the wrong way, but when he left Thailand, he was devastated. I assumed… things between you… Well, didn’t work out.”

Hyungwon could feel the restaurant getting smaller, sounds being reduced to a buzz on his ear. Trying to get his shit together, he took a deep breath before continuing.

“How…”

Obviously, Daran didn’t understand a single thing, but he had the same expression his wife had. Consternation, maybe.

“We were coming back from a dinner with friends, and we saw Hoseok in front of the hotel, with his luggage. Daran asked him why you two were leaving sooner, and he said he was leaving alone. It was clear he wasn’t feeling well, so we gave him a ride to the airport. Hoseok didn’t talk much inside the car, but anyone could see he was… wrecked. I asked about you and… he said you were sleeping and asked us to give you a proper farewell. When we got at the airport, he thanked us and left.”

_Keep breathing, idiot, keep breathing._

“I… didn’t know.”

Thai voices floated around him, while he stared at his hands, experiencing the consequences of being a piece of shit. It was a rightful thing for him to feel, he deserved that. Only garbage people would have the nerve of doing what he did.

Hyungwon forgot.

He forgot about how awfuç was his treatment towards Hoseok; he didn’t even worry about how the man coped with all that shitstorm falling over him for 2 days. Not a single thought of consideration towards how the older must’ve felt, about all those horrible things he said to him, bothered him in his sleep. He, the perpetrator, forgot. Did the victim?

No, Hyungwon was his adoptive parents’ child, he knew better; it was impossible to wake up without feeling the pain of not being worthy of not even an explanation.

Why did Hoseok fought so hard to be around him when he was nothing but a prick? Hoseok wasn’t like him; he was tender, soft, he smiled like the world was a perfect utopia, touched him as if he was the most precious thing in Creation. Why did he kept allowing Hyungwon do hurt him? Why?

“I…” He hadn’t the courage to face the couple; the guilt was already taking over his body and soul. Before the women noticed, he was already standing up, repeatedly bowing. “I’m sorry I- I need to go- I’m very sorry I-”

_I need him._

As much as he loved what he did, it was a long day for Hoseok; the draining-the-life-out-of-him kind of day. The sight on his hotel was a blessing to his eyes; it was alright for spending the night, not really fancy. As soon as the cab pulled over, Hoseok quickly paid and would’ve towards the entrance if he had more energy in him. If the distraction would’ve been stronger, Hoseok wouldn’t have noticed his phone buzzing inside his coat’s pocket.

Reading the caller’s name, he slid his finger on the screen to answer so fast the phone almost fell off.

“Hyungwon?”

_“Where are you? Where are you staying? Where are you?”_

Hoseok didn’t know why, but that sent a shiver through his entire body. Still taken aback, he focused more on the background of the call than to reply. A loud honk just struck his ears through the screen.

“Are you driving? What happened? Talk to me, please.”

_“Tell me. I’m going there, tell me where you are. Please, tell me. Please.”_

A fraction of the younger’s voice was heartbreaking.

“Hyungwon, baby, listen to me. Pull over. Please, pull over.”

The silence lasted a short moment, but it was enough to congest his chest with fear. Hoseok could finally breathe again when he heard the car’s engine turning off.

“I want you to inhale as much air as you can. Can you do this for me?”

_“Yes.”_

“Good. Do it now. Breathe in, then hold it for 5 seconds. You can do this. I’m with you. Hold it for 5 seconds, and exhale. Do that a few times. I’m here, I’m with you.”

It took him almost 5 minutes to calm down, or at least sound like he was more relaxed.

_“I’m fine now.”_

“Stop lying. Go back, please. It’s dangerous to-”

_“NO! I WANT YOU- I WANT TO- I… I need you. Now. Please, tell me where you are. Please, Hoseok.”_

He didn’t know what to do. As much as Hoseok could be putting Hyungwon’s life in danger by allowing him to drive in that bad state, he just couldn’t let him there alone.

“Did you left Seoul?”

_“I… think so.”_

“Check the GPS, Hyungwon. How much longer until you reach Daegu?”

_“20 minutes.”_

_Shit, he is already almost here._

“Stay there. I’m coming to pick you up, okay? Stay there.”

_“Don’t…”_

“Hyungwon, baby, it will be fine. I’m on my way to you. Everything will be fine. I’m gonna be there soon, okay?”

_“Okay.”_

 

His anxiety made Hoseok check about 50th times if the coordinates that Hyungwon sent him were correct; apparently, yes, but he still didn’t feel less tense. Relaying the information to the driver of the cab he took, receiving a weird look for being someone outside in that cold ass night, the minutes until the destination were excruciating.

It was easy to spot Hyungwon’s car, the same one he had been keeping since college; advantageously parked near a gas station, Hoseok knew it was him without even checking twice.

Desperation was already taking over him, so he took money off of his wallet without looking how much he was giving, but seemed enough since the cab took off as soon as he started running towards the younger man’s car.

“Hey.” His tap on the glass window frightened the man a bit, but he seemed relieved to see him.

A sharp pang cut through his heart when he confirmed that Hyungwon looked worse than he imagined. His red face was living proof of how much he had cried.

“Hoseok…”

“Hyungwon, go to the passenger seat. I’ll take you to the hotel with me, okay? I’m here, aren’t I?”

He could barely utter the words coming out of his mouth, choking back a sob.

“You shouldn’t…”

“Hyungwon, baby, let’s talk at the hotel, okay? It’s dangerous to stay here, it’s gonna get colder.”

 

In the silence of the entire trip back to the hotel, he tried to think what on Earth could’ve happened to make the younger man like that; it had been quite a while since Hoseok witnessed or was aware of such episode like that. During the short elevator ride to the 6th floor, he held Hyungwon’s hand the entire man; the man seemed lifeless against his skin, though. His instincts almost made him poke Hyungwon to check if he was really there… you know, alive.

Not a surprise, but Hoseok felt despair making a home out of his nerves.

Inside the room, Hyungwon didn’t make any move that wasn’t initiated by the older; Hoseok had to grab him by the hand again to make him sit down on the bed.

“I’ll get you some clean-”

It was almost as if someone had turned on a switch inside Hyungwon, unleashing everything.

“How could you do that, Hoseok?”

He didn’t even had time to process the whole thing when the questioning began.

“What? What are you talking about?”

The eyes that stared at him weren’t so good at displaying anger as much as the way the rest of Hyungwon’s face quivered.

“How could you treat me so well… how can you _care_ after so much what I did to you? Who the fuck does that? Why aren’t you mad? Why you don’t yelled at me?”

Well, that was a new one, for sure.

Slowly moving towards the other man, Hoseok frowned.

“Hyungwon, what are you talking about?”

“Thailand. We went there and I treated you like shit, every opportunity I had. Wanna know what makes me an even bigger asshole? I _forgot_ about it. Did you hear it? I forgot. I didn’t lose sleep over it.” His brittle voice interrupted him a bit. “My brain thought it wasn’t important to remember what I did to you. But you didn’t forget, I’m sure. Why… how can you still… This isn’t right.”

Despite his initial confusion, he knew a day like that would come. Hyungwon took a bit more time to deal with how his and other people’s actions had an effect on him, sometimes because it was just too much information, sometimes because it was too painful to face. Hoseok expected that it could happen in a better circumstance, though.

“I didn’t forget.”

“Then why-”

“Because I forgave you. A long time ago, when I was alone and hurting, and asked myself if I’d do the same thing if I had the chance to go back, if I would’ve followed you. I would. I would.”

“You can’t do this. You can’t forgive me, I’m an asshole. What I said to you, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

Sometimes, Hoseok didn’t know if it was really a weakness to have his heart aching at the sight of Hyungwon crying in front of him. Perhaps it was the most profound level of intimacy they had ever reached.

“Listen to me.” Hyungwon’s skin felt so icy that when he held his face with both hands that his body almost flinched. “I’m not gonna excuse your behavior, and not gonna pretend it didn’t hurt me, a lot. I’m human too, I ache. Hyungwon, we’ve hurt each other a lot in the past years, more than we were supposed to. If you look back to the time we were apart, years… I think we’ve suffered enough. I love you, I’m so in love with you that-”

Quick hands pushed his down, he unintentionally made him fall on the carpet next to the bed. The raven-haired looked horrified by what his hands just did.

“ _Don’t_. Don’t love me. I don’t deserve it. I’m sorry-”

Plain and simple, now Hoseok just wanted to scream until that stupid idea would go away from the younger man’s mind.

“Then what do you want me to do with what I feel? Put it aside and pretend I don’t love you, for the rest of my life? When I met you… I felt something so special because deep down I knew you were the one I was waiting for, my entire life. I love you and your mistakes are part of who you are, who you were. Most of people don’t even admit the shit they’ve done. You know I made a lot of them, you know. Sometimes it’s hard for me to look at you and think ‘After everything, how am I still allowed to be with him?’. But I stay, anyway. Why can’t you?”

“Don’t, Hoseok. I’m not-” One deep breath later, Hyungwon got off the bed, to nowhere in particular inside the room. “I’m not someone… you should be loving. I won’t make you happy. I came here to tell you this, and that I’m sorry about how I made you feel, when you were helping me and protecting me all that time, even when I said horrible things. Thank you… and I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Hoseok wanted to crumble down even more, but he got up instead.

“Don’t do this to me, Hyungwon. I can’t stop loving you, I don’t _want_ to. Stop sabotaging your own happiness, you’re not a monster. We all did things we’re not proud of, but that doesn’t define us forever.”

His body moved to step closer, but the raven-haired backed off first.

“I can’t… I’m sorry, I really am. I think… we… should stop. Here.”

His brain couldn’t even understand quickly why the hell Hyungwon was leaving the room, leaving him behind-

_Not today. Not this time._

Even running, Hoseok almost didn’t make it to stop the elevator the younger just had got in. Surprised wide eyes matched with his hands gripping the metal bars behind his back, hoping Hoseok wouldn’t come in.

He did, of course.

“We won’t end like this. I won’t lose you again.”

“Please…” The sobbing was still hard on him; Hyungwon barely had energy to fight against Hoseok’s presence, much less to do it when the latter wrapped a hand around his wrist.

“I told you, remember? If you didn’t come back to me, I’d go after you. Wherever you go, I’m going too.”

Abruptly yanking his arm back, Hyungwon got into his defense mode. Not a good sign.

“WHY? WHY?”

If he kept using the same methods, the end would never change; Hoseok saw that story before and he had enough; the sudden stop of the elevator pushed Hyungwon forward, but his arms were there to catch him.

“Because…”

There was so many different answer he could give. For the world felt less like shit when Hyungwon was around, or that it was because when he laughed, Hoseok was even more convinced that the younger, somehow, looked like an angel; or maybe trying telling that the reason was simply that, to hold him in his arms, was the greatest honor Hoseok ever had in his life would work. They’d be stuck in that elevator forever if he listed every thing.

“I can’t just watch you leave and do nothing. And even if you do leave, I’ll not give up. I’ll keep loving you even if you decide to not see me ever again, but that’s just gonna hurt us. What happened, there, can’t be changed, but… stay, Hyungwon. I’m begging you. Please…”

“Don’t. I don’t deserve it.”

“If you don’t deserve it, I’ll never be able to get your trust back, because I don’t deserve it either. Do you want to be trapped in that paradox? If I’m worth the trouble just a little bit, just a little… Don’t go. Come back to me. Come back to me… I love you.”

A serene place inside his chest lightened up like a Christmas tree when Hyungwon’s hands grabbed his face to smash their mouths together; even when his back harshly hit the elevator’s wall, the only thing that ever mattered was the bubblegum taste of their love, humblest thing that ever existed. His lungs begged for him to have a break to breath, but the man was determined not stop kissing him even when they got out of the elevator, stumbling back to the hotel room with a tight hold on Hoseok’s waist, to keep the older from falling.

A few steps forward and he felt the warmth of the room hit his skin, but the arms that held him were gone for a while. With the back of his legs hitting his bed, Hoseok opened his eyes again to search for him; a distant sound of the door being locked soothed him a bit. Within seconds, Hyungwon was back, pushing Hoseok’s body up against the mattress.

Panting heavily, the raven-haired touched his face with so much caution that it seemed like Hoseok was made of glass.

“I know you want to wait. It’s not the perfect moment, but I’m gonna die if I don’t at least taste you again.”

Boy, how could he say no to that.

Lifting his arms for Hyungwon to take his shirt off of him, Hoseok realized for the first time that night that the younger was wearing that garment threat. The three-piece suit, for Christ’s sake.

“Hey.” Hoseok brushed his fingers on Hyungwon’s arms, whom was very busy kissing his collarbones. “Can I just have a moment?”

“For what?”

A low yelp came out of his mouth when Hoseok turned him around in bed, with one knee on each side of him.

“Is this a moment?”

“Yeah. I wanted to do this _every damn time_ you put on a suit like this. It’s a huge peril.”

His hands sensed first when Hyungwon arched his back together with a gasp, not really fretting to restrain himself, when Hoseok caressed the back of his clothed thighs, moving his way up to unbutton his waistcoat, freeing him from the tie and then from his shirt. At the small touch of Hoseok’s finger on his bare skin, moving up and down his stomach, Hyungwon groaned so loud that it was enough to have Hoseok writing his vows, because… _goddamn_ multiple times.

“It looks pretty because everything looks pretty on you…” Mouth hovering the other man’s neck, the older spoke only for him to hear. “Too many layers, but I don’t mind doing this if you ever wear those again.”

Wrapping his legs around Hoseok’s waist, Hyungwon pushed himself up, with his arms around his neck.

“I’ll have to wear this every day.”

“You’ve been advised, rascal.”

His mouth became more daring, exploring the bare chest under him; Hoseok wanted to take his time kissing every single centimeter of it, but Hyungwon’s laughter and moans, echoing shamelessly through the room, showed his rush. More than ever, Hoseok was completely certain that his mouth was made to be kissing him, and only him. The man tasted exactly the way he did years before; like candy after a meal, like an unidentified liquor that always got him drunk; like Hyungwon, utterly.

“Hoseok...” He was already in the middle of licking Hyungwon’s stomach when a hand on his hair was a cautionary tale. “Stop, or I’ll fuck you right now.”

_Good God._

But yeah, the right moment and stuff, he could wait.

Taking the opportunity to take his shirt completely off, he let himself be handled by Hyungwon, who hovered over him like a God from a mythical vision. The smile exhibited on his face his last attack.

“Tell me what you want. My hands, my fingers, my mouth…”

 _Jesus, give me strength_.

Hoseok’s voice came out whinier than he planned.

“How can you say that so easily? Just thinking about that makes me hard.”

“Fool.” A peck rapidly touched his nose. “Choose, sweetheart.”

“Hands. Kiss me, never stop.”

The raven-haired’s eyes completely shut down when he chuckled too hard.

“I’ll have to breathe at some point, you know.”

“Buzzkill.”

Willpower was a very difficult thing to maintain when one has Chae Hyungwon with hands all over their body, especially if one is trying to wait for a better circumstance. He never minded much how the younger man liked to lead in bed because that meant Hyungwon felt comfortable enough around him. Also, Hoseok just… appreciated being taken care of the way Hyungwon did. There was a tenderness and wild passion blended together in his actions that made sex with Hyungwon a very unique event, always memorable.

However, shouldn’t be much surprising to say that Hyungwon was a tease; you see, he knew what kind of power he held in hands. Quite literally. Even though the other man was the eager one for that make-out at the beginning, Hyungwon was really taking his time with him; the large shape of his hands grasped a new spot on his chest whenever Hyungwon felt he was about to whimper, and Hoseok was just… fucking gone.

An arm encircled his middle, gently shoving him up to rest his head on one of the pillows, barely drawing in a sharp breath before having Hyungwon’s mouth all over him again.

Gathering enough energy to stop being so inert, he captured the younger’s lips again, enjoying the way the latter immediately thrusted his body against Hoseok’s, and damned was that bed if it didn’t start creaking underneath them; they were both feeding off of each other’s lips after such long starvation that nothing could make them care about anything except their frantic moans.

Before he could protest, Hyungwon disappeared down his body again; a sluggish licking on one of nipples automatically got a helpless howl out of him, with one hand grasping the soft sheets below and another on the younger’s hair, whom happily hummed at that.

“When the time is right…” Grinning on Hoseok’s skin, he lifted his head to look fixedly at the older man. “I’m going to fuck you senseless. You’re just too damn much.”

Still gasping for more oxygen, Hoseok still found strength to sneeze.

“You… You say that… as if it’s a bad thing.”

Leaning his back on the pillow to stabilize his respiration, a murmur arose.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Did you…” Hyungwon almost seemed shy for someone who had been ravishing his body for the past minutes. “I mean… you don’t have to tell me… It’s just- Did you- with how many… you know, people?”

“Wait.” If that was he was thinking it was, he needed to have a better vision at the man on top of him, so he pushed himself up a little. “Are you… asking me how many people I had sex when I was away?”

“I said you don’t have to answer if you-” God, he was adorable. Hoseok really tried to hold back a chuckle, but it was too late already. “Why are you laughing? Don’t laugh at me!”

“I’m not laughing at you, I swear! I’m laughing at the absurdity of the question. Since we met, it has always been only you. I was so busy sleeping with you all the time that I never even thought of hooking up with another person. Don’t know why I was surprised to find out that the entire campus thought we were dating that entire time.”

The rosy wave that emerged on Hyungwon’s face, the man who had already marked half of his body, proved his duality really well.

“I mean- I thought- It’s fine, we weren’t… together and I thought- Me too. It has been only you since… that time.”

“You’re _so_ cute. Anyone seeing you blushing right now would never imagine you said you’d fuck me senseless a minute and half ago.” 

With a smirk, Hyungwon’s next move was promised to be a bold one.

One hand working on unbuttoning his pants, the other brought Hoseok’s legs to hug Hyungwon’s waist.

“Excuse me. I’m what?”

It was a threat, and Hoseok loved it.

“Cute. Delightful. Selfless. And brave, witty, gentle-”

A strangled growl resonated through the room when he felt Hyungwon’s hand under his pants, increasing his already painful hard-on.

“Do I still look cute, Hoseok?”

“Yes.”

With no haste visible, the younger man slid his body down, rubbing his lips against Hoseok’s abs and raking his nails on his inner thighs on his way. His first stop was after sucking on of the older’s lower stomach.

“What about now, hmm?”

“Cuter.”

A man can only have so much composure, so he wasn’t abashed by letting out another guttural moan as Hyungwon’s tongue swirled around the head of his dick.

A husky voice tone commanded him, accompanied by the feeling of hands traveling up and down his undressed thighs.

“Look at me.”

Honest to God, Hoseok could’ve come just at the view of Hyungwon calmly licking his fingers, one by one.

“Fuck, Hyungwon…”

“Tell me.” More rapid than he expected, the raven-haired crawled back up, face now centimeters away from Hoseok’s. The wicked smile above him was up to no good. “Am I remotely close to cute with your dick in my mouth?”

_Even more._

“Hyungwonnie… You could stab me right now and while I bleed to death, I’d look at your face one last time and think ‘Isn’t he adorable covered in my blood?’”

His entire body jiggled when he bursted into laughter.

“You are insufferable. And horrible at dirty talk.”

“What can I say?”

Nothing, to be sincere, since the man curled his fingers around his shaft and steadily started stroking it up and down.

“Is it good, sweetheart? Tell me how you like it.”

Still taken aback by the jolt of pleasure, Hoseok smiled.

“Yes… yes… You _know_ how I like it.”

“Both hands, without a hurry, and lots of kisses? As you wish.”

The fingers scraping his thigh disappeared, only to show up over Hyungwon’s left hand, speed alternating too fast for his mind to catch up. Forcing his eyes to stay open — it was the first damn time they were in bed together, _like_ _that_ , he wasn’t going to miss anything. Multitasking between keeping Hoseok’s hips stable with his thighs and shoving his tongue inside the older’s mouth, Hyungwon was pretty much doing the handjob of the century; not even the constant groaning coming out of Hoseok’s throat was a hindrance for his movements.

A note-worthy moment was when his fingers twisted upwards the tip of his length, and Hoseok stopped having control over his physical strength, grinding against Hyungwon’s hand.

“I take it back.” His delicate hold on the other man’s neck obligated the latter to abandon Hoseok’s mouth. “Faster. Please.”

“Stay like this.” Pulling one hand back, Hyungwon kneeled down in bed to throw one of Hoseok’s legs around his abdomen again. “Don’t take your hand off of my neck, or I’ll take off mine too.”

“That might hurt you.”

It wasn’t the first time, but it still scared him to do that.

“Would you hurt me?”

“No.”

“Then don’t. Don’t pull away.”

Scratching Hoseok’s chest on its way down his cock, the man over him looked more determined than ever; the motion of his hands improved so briskly that the sharp breath he drew in distracted Hoseok from controlling the strength he was applying on Hyungwon’s neck, freaking out for a second. Hand working on soothing the man’s skin a bit, Hoseok felt his arm getting numb, but was determined to do as the younger man desired.

“You’re so gorgeous, Hoseok. Do you have idea how disconcerting you are every day, with that body and that smile?”

“Nice info. Oh- Yes, yes.”

“You like... my long fingers, right? Jerking you off so tight... Oh, oh- Can't wait to see you cum in my hands.”

“Yes, yes, baby I do...” Feeling Hyungwon moving a bit, he opened his eyes only to find his mouth swiftly bobbing up and down half of his length.

Hoseok wasn't about to ask for mercy that time.

As fast as he retreated to his previous position, the raven-haired now used his own hips as another tool, grinding against the cock on his hand and using his free one to use the wall behind them as support.

“Oh my G- Hyungwon, faster, faster.”

The impatience took over Hoseok first, dragging the man closer with one arm, grinding so bad he couldn't tell who whimpered more.

He knew he wouldn’t last for too long; it was humanly impossible to do it with that man moaning on top of him like crazy, even when he had someone choking him.

“Hyungwon… I’m- Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

His eyes widened to see the younger smiling at him while Hoseok’s breathing quickened, back arching so much that almost his entire body pushed forward. The unstoppable pulsation at the base of his dick made everything else but Hyungwon intangible; the climax of his orgasm was so intense that he had to clasp a hand on his own wrist to contain the strength he put on Hyungwon’s throat, and still felt it was too much.

Both of them were breathless by the end of it, still with Hyungwon stroking him throughout the wave of pleasure; gradually, the younger pushed Hoseok’s hand off of his neck. Hyungwon collapsed next to him in bed, licking his cum off of his own fingers — an audacity that was beyond unsettling for his next dreams.

After the speechless moment passed, he craned his head to the man beside him, who still grinned.

“For fuck’s sake, Hyungwon.” Brushing a finger on the younger’s skin, the redness was everywhere his fingers clutched. “Does it hurt?”

“Can you chill? I’m fine, I loved it. Let’s try a silk ribbon next time, though. Might be spicier.”

“Jesus, I can see my fingermarks on your skin.”

“I can wear a scarf.”

The beginning of the younger man’s chuckles was the last sign that Hoseok wasn’t going to win that argument. Ignoring anything the latter could come up with, Hyungwon sit up in bed to grab his shirt on the floor, wiping the semen off of Hoseok’s abs.

“Are you insane? I’m sure this thing cost more than anything in this room.”

His guffaw filled the room again.

“Try anything in 2 rooms like this.”

“Hyungwon!”

Throwing the attire on the floor like it was nothing, he laid down beside the older again.

“Who cares…”

“You’re such an insolent brat. Wait a sec.”

“For what?”

Remarkably squealing, even though Hoseok shifted his body quite slowly, the man he flipped in bed clung onto him as if he was in any danger.

“You’re so cute when you pretend to be shocked.”

A slap on Hoseok’s arm came faster than he predicted.

“Idiot. You don’t have to do this, though. I’m good.”

“Can I? It bothers me the fact that you’re still with your pants on. Gotta fix that.”

“Well, you’re already here…”

One of his favorite things in the world was brushing his lips all over Hyungwon’s face and feel him start giggling, and he’d do that for more time, but to be honest he was truly tired. Yet, he couldn’t let the night end without giving the man something worth remembering.

Replacing his usual tenderness with a fierce yearning, Hoseok decorated Hyungwon’s torso with pinkish-turning-purple dots; the latter was the most impatient one, though, eagerly unbuttoning his own pants even before the older reached his lower abs.

Taking a second to regain his breath, Hoseok took the opportunity to check on the raven-haired.

“You good?”

“No, because I’m already damn hard and you’re damn slow. I won't forget this later.”

Doing the rest of the job of tugging Hyungwon’s pants off, he couldn’t help but to let his lips only brush against the already fully erected member.

“Keep teasing me and I will murder you in a-”

The only thing that ever shut up him while they were fucking was doing what Hyungwon wanted when he least expected it, and it was incredibly fun to watch the high-pitched whine that came out of his mouth every single time, especially at that moment when Hoseok wrapped his fingers around the base of the shaft, swirling his tongue up and down.

“Gosh… Hoseok, just-”

Hyungwon was a bit thicker than him, but he found it easy to take it all on his mouth in the first try, probably because he did that a lot of times before. In college, even with the less amount of privacy, there was a lot of memories similar to that one in his head.

He knew he was doing well when nothing but husky gasps came out of Hyungwon. God, how he missed savoring the man like that.

Getting his saliva in touch with the tip of the younger’s length, Hoseok could already taste the pre-cum leaking inside his mouth, and just… he just could do that every day without getting sick of it. That’s what he wanted to be doing for the rest of his life.

“That's good, you're so good, fuck… Hoseok… I’m not gonna last long so-”

Bobbing up and down as quick as his energy allowed, Hoseok secured Hyungwon’s hips down by bracing his thighs, scraping the inner parts of it with his nails; the trembling of Hyungwon's legs made him smile. The older man’s tongue did most of the job of sucking Hyungwon off, mainly because he knew that was his greatest weakness.

Another detail he love it was how loud in bed Hyungwon was. There was no other sound invading his ears except the rampant moaning of the man under him, whom, as expected, automatically extended a hand to grasp Hoseok’s hair.

Boy, Hoseok's greatest weakness.

“Hoseok… Fuck, Hoseok… Enough I’m- Hoseok-”

His morals didn’t allow him to not finish that blowjob in grand style, so of course he retracted a hand from Hyungwon’s thighs to twirl it around the bottom of Hyungwon’s cock.

Already feeling the tip of it touching his throat, Hoseok held himself steady to swallow it all without choking, with the marvelous soundtrack of the younger man’s rough cry of bliss.

The clasp in his hair got weaker until it let it go, and that was the sign that Hyungwon was done with his orgasm, puffing as if he had running a marathon.

“Jesus… Fuck.” Looking up at Hyungwon’s face again, still between his thighs, he watched the man snickering while pointing a finger at him. “Come here.”

With a massive vitality, the man pulled his face down to attack his mouth with his plump lips, tongue heading in more directions Hoseok could count. After tasting himself, now clearly exhausted, a sigh was all that he could mutter for a while.

“Are you okay?”

Hyungwon leisurely tossed his arms around Hoseok’s neck before replying.

“Lots. Missed you. Tired.”

Chocking back a chuckle, Hoseok used the rest of his strength to prop himself up on his hands.

“Throwing words like that… Good sign. Want something that ain’t sleep?”

“Shirt. And you, beside me.”

“Cute.”

 

“How can you not feel cold?”

His sleepy figure still had some arguments on his sleeve, the literal one that he currently wore. Rolling up the collar of his turtleneck — actually, Hoseok’s — the man trembled only watching the older shirtless beside him.

“I didn’t wear a shirt a lot of times while sleeping with you, what’s the problem?”

“I don’t know. Don't really care.” Blinking slowly, he chose to give up on the debate. “Come closer, sorcerer of warmth.”

Last moment Hoseok checked the time, when he got up to fetch Hyungwon something to wear, it was only 11:00 pm, but they were already on the brink of sleeping like a log.

“Hyungwon.”

Throwing an arm around the older man’s waist, he hummed in acknowledgement.

“Don’t scare me like that again. Even if things get bad, don’t leave me. Whatever it is, we solve it together.”

For a moment, Hoseok thought the raven-haired was already asleep, but he stood corrected when Hyungwon peered at him through his messy bangs.

“Marsha and Daran… they told me they saw you, that day. I’m sorry, Hoseok. That doesn’t change what I did, but I’m truly sorry. I panicked and… God, I’m such a spoiled dick…”

“Hey.” Sliding his hand down Hyungwon’s chin, he forced the man to face him. “Everybody hurts in different ways. You’ll have to deal with what you did, it’s not an easy process. But I already told you, you’re not a monster. You’re human, it’s only natural. Just… don’t push me away. I love you so much, Hyungwon. I’ll win your trust back so you can believe me, I promise.”

“I’m slow. And we're a trainwreck of emotions, from that crying to banging like that.”

That got the last chuckle of the night out of the older.

“At least it's never boring… I have no other place to be. Goodnight, baby.”

 

 

_Kihyun created a new group chat_

_Kihyun added Kyunnie, Precious child and Chewing Gun_

_Kihyun changed his nickname to “PETTY”_

_PETTY changed the group’s name to: WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS BITCH OF HOUSE_

[01:14 pm]

 **PETTY** : WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK HYUNGWON IS SEEING SOMEONE

 **Precious child** : WHAT

 **Precious child** : WHO WHEN WHY

 **Precious child** : wait it’s the hyung that thinks me and my boyfriend are childish idiots nvm

 **PETTY** : fuck’s sake i apologized already stop that

 **Chewing Gun** : look at my boo being petty, he’s really ur son kihyun

 **Chewing Gun** : and thanks now this song is gonna be stuck in my head for months

 **PETTY** : NOT THE IMPORTANT PART

 **Kyunnie** : wHAT. IS. HAPPENning

 **PETTY** : THAT BEANPOLE HAD HICKEYS ALL OVER HIS NECK ISTG

 **PETTY** : AND HE HAD THAT “JUST HAD A GOOD FUCK” FACE

 **Kyunnie** : sometimes the level of intimacy of ur friendship scares me

 **Precious child** : WAIT COULD THAT BE FROM HOSEOK HYUNG??????????/ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **PETTY** : NOOOOO hyung told me he’d be out of the town until this morning

 **PETTY** : and i went to that hoe’s house like 5h ago and HICKEYS I DEF SAW THEM BEFORE HE HID IT WITH HIS TURTLENECK

 **Chewing Gun** : the treachery. never thought the day would come that my heart would be smashed into pieces, draining the life out of my body and soul. ive been deceived with promises of eternal love, why is he leaving the pretty me 

 **Kyunnie** : but who hes fuckin with tho

 **Chewing Gun** : im having a moment here bitch

 **Precious child** : are we goin to include hyunwoo hyung in this topic or nah

 **Precious child** : i mean we shouldn’t disturb minhyuk rn but

 **Chewing Gun** : lets wait a few more days babe

 **PETTY** : i almost cried whats wrong with me

 **Chewing Gun** : youre a wonseok supporter that’s how he feel all the time

 **Kyunnie** : i cant believe true love died today

 **PETTY** : I KNOW RIGHT????????? but we’re CPRing it like men

 **PETTY** : we need a plan

 **Chewing Gun** : okie dokie yo scheming is what i live for

 

 

[03:05 pm]

Hyungwon:

_Hoseok I’m dying_

_Pls respond I’m gonna die for real_

[03:07 pm]

Hoseok:

_WHAT_

_WHAT HAPPENED ARE YOU OKAY_

Hyungwon:

_I can’t breathe_

_I’m laughing too hard at the message I got from the Hamster_

Hoseok:

_Holy shit can you not gimme a heart attack? Jesus……_

_I thought it was for real_

_But spill it_

Hyungwon:

_We were talking about random stuff and he_

_Just casually asked when I started seeing someone new_

_Bc of the hickeys on my neck_

_Never gonna give this turtleneck back btw_

_And he was pissed I didn’t tell him like_

_He was waiting for me to tell him since he came here earlier_

_but I didn’t so he’s angry now_

_There’s tears in my eyes from so much laughter_

Hoseok:

_When did he ever saw you wtf_

_I dropped you home at like, 7 am_

Hyungwon:

_I was ready to sleep again_

_When that art hoe piece of shit knocked on my damn door right after I got here_

_At least he brought the dakbokkeumtang I’m eating rn_

Hoseok:

_Are we gonna tell them or nah_

Hyungwon:

_It should be fun watching them think that_

_Bc I’m sure Kihyun already told the rest of our idiotic friends_

_Remind me to flirt more with you when we’re with them_

_Can’t wait to see their faces now they think I’m with someone else_

Hoseok:

_You being evil really turns me on_

_But when did you ever flirted with me_

_You just walked in and said “I’m sleeping with you today”_

_And I said “Sure???” and here we are_

Hyungwon:

_It worked, though_

_How people flirt these days?_

_“Hey do you want to see a meme on my phone? Gimme your number”_

Hoseok:

_I’d fall for that tbh_

_Is it stupid that I’m jealous they think you’d really date someone else?_

Hyungwon:

_Yes_

_But once I thought like that about you too so I’m gonna give you a pass_

Hoseok:

_I feel you that was hilarious_

Hyungwon:

_Unnecessary info_

Hoseok:

_Even Kihyun came to interrogate me about Jisung_

_First I was like “why yall like this” then I had a good laugh_

Hyungwon:

_We really need some boundaries in this damn group_

_Forgot to tell you I’m murdering Changkyun next time I see him_

_So get used to Jooheon being the maknae_

Hoseok:

_Wtf did he do now_

Hyungwon:

_Badmouthed the Blade trilogy_

Hoseok:

_Oh no_

_Pls forgive him he’s young he makes mistakes_

_Also if you go to jail you’ll probably be the head of a gang in there_

_Then I’ll have to join said gang to be with you_

_Also: are you ready to have Kihyun clinging to you 24/7_

Hyungwon:

…………………

_Dammit_

_Fine_

Hoseok:

_Thanks <3_

_I gtg but I’ll text you later_

Hyungwon:

_I may be busy with my fake boyfriend though just giving you a heads up_

Hoseok:

_You're killing me. You're killing a man that does nothing but love you. I hope you know that_

Hyungwon:

_< 3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yea. i been knew. look, it has been YEARS since i wrote smut. just so u know we wrote it in papyrus back then. i didnt know if i should do it but i kinda want to get used to it bc i want to write more of THESE in my next story so... yea, theres more coming (not an intended pun) next chapters. pardon my soft stan ass if im bad at this, ill try to do better 
> 
> showhyuk sweetie im so sorry an ugly ass bitch like me wrote something like this oh my god  
> but they looking good in the comeback pics so they won
> 
> *shrug emoji*  
> me writing sad stuff: *turns on TWICE's discography*
> 
> i was gonna separate this chapter in 2 parts but i gotta more planned so it is what it is
> 
> see ya next week, kids


	18. I’m A Man In A Movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i gave up on trying to be succinct

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, i would've finished this chapter sooner if monsta x hadn't dropped that fucking music film a few days ago which gave me a really good idea that i cant write until i finish this fic otherwise i'll never finish this one  
> (i didnt even saw the teaser yet appreciate my effort)
> 
> second, HYUNGWON HAS PINK HAIR FUCK EVERYBODY ELSE 
> 
> no really thanks yall for the comments and kudos and etc like always i love me some validation (to live)  
> anyways here's the chapter, theres only 2 to go....... but k  
> enjoy it (or not)

Hoseok definitely remembered waking up to face a very cold morning, even more than the usual — he had to get his thickest coat out of his closet — and yet, once night fell, he couldn’t even handle keep it on; apparently, the world turned into a kiln and everybody else forgot to tell him. At best, someone Hoseok knew very well should enjoying that, for sure.

“Hey, baby.”

As he expected, the younger man was lying down on the wood platform a few steps away from his apartment, wearing a baggy grey shirt and shorts of the same color, cushion under his head. Behind the rooftop, the sun disappeared behind the slightly menacing clouds, giving them some privacy.

Done with the path between the stairs and where Hyungwon was, he quietly sat beside the latter. Hoseok was a bit surprised how the younger decided to greet him that time.

“I’m going to buy a building.”

The man said that so casually, with a tired-of-overthinking expression, that it was like he was saying he was going to order chicken. 

“Okay… _Hello, Hoseok. How was your day?_ My day was fine, thanks for asking, Hyungwonnie.”

That reply seemed to have gotten Hyungwon out from his reveries. Adjusting his body to stay closer to Hoseok’s, he gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Sorry. How are you? I was… thinking. Like, thinking _thinking_.”

Without realizing, the younger man started pouting while looking away, and for a couple of seconds Hoseok couldn’t contain a delighted smile.

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately. I’m fine, just feeling hot as fuck today.”

Chuckling to himself, Hyungwon inclined his head a bit.

“You’re hot as fuck every day, sweetheart.”

Hoseok chortled rapidly before responding.

“Seriously. I’m gonna die tonight if it gets hotter than this.”

“It’s 22ºc, Hoseok.”

“Too much! But back to the start. May I ask why are you buying a building, and for what?”

In self-preservation, the younger man pulled his lower limbs back a bit, proceeding to hug his legs.

“I was- There’s a lot of people like me in this country, I’m sure. What I mean is… vict- survi… People who went through shit at home. People going through it right now.”

What he felt towards Hyungwon, whenever that subject appeared in his mind, wasn’t pity, far from that. He just… got sad he wasn’t there to help; somehow, Hoseok wanted to have known him sooner to be of any help.

“Hyungwon. You don’t need to call yourself that if you’re not comfortable, but you’re always entitled to it. Don’t worry.”

“Okay.” After a brief silence, he carried on. “Whenever I ponder… about me, back then… And about kids today in similar environments… I want to help, as much kids as I can. I thought about a nonprofit organization. I still have a lot of money, so why not? To offer health support, protection, education — welfare. Opportunities. I don’t know, maybe I can teach kids there. Perhaps… some of them want to leave abusive homes, but they don’t have a place to go. Especially LGBT kids. Most of them… you know, they’re afraid to live in this country, this society. It’ hard, but it it’s possible, we know that, we have to let them know that. I don’t want them to go through the same shit I did. Maybe, slowly, people will see us differently, or maybe just don’t tell us that we’re going to burn in hell. I don’t know… I just want to help kids. That’s what I think I could do. What do you think?”

Hoseok’s heart was filled with so much appreciation and love that he could’ve exploded on spot.

“I think…” The apprehension in the younger’s face kept his entire body stiff. “It’s wonderful. You’re wonderful, Hyungwon. I’m just… God, I love you so much. You’ll do great.”

The way he beamed could’ve caused a major power outage in Seoul.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Just… Take it easy. Call Jiho hyung, he can assist with the bureaucracy. Get advice from people in the area, visit similar organizations, you’ll need to get some partners, I think. But you’ll get there. Whatever you need, lean on me.”

In the past month, either unforeseen or very predictable, Hyungwon’s affection rained over him more and more. Every adversity Hoseok had to face in life led to moments like that; Hyungwon’s hands grabbing his face and immersing his lips on Hoseok’s sloppily, always grinning in the middle of the kiss. Out of instinct, the man would throw his arms around Hoseok’s neck and sit on his lap, just like that, shielding them from that world that didn’t know how to appreciate them better.

“I love you too.”

Hoseok’s response shouldn’t have to be to freeze; it was the worst coping mechanism he could ever use. The voice of his conscience quaked all the things inside him, pleading for this idiocy to come to an end. It wasn’t clear for how long he stayed like that, staring at Hyungwon; still sitting on his lap with a flabbergasted face, it was clear that Hoseok’s reaction to him saying he loved the older man wasn’t very positive.

“Hoseok? Hoseok?” Hyungwon was there, on his arms, and yet he couldn’t muster shit to say. “Oh, fuck, I broke him. I’m sorry-”

“NO!” When sound finally came out his mouth, it was louder than he intended it to be; he could feel Hyungwon’s body trembling at that for a couple seconds. “No, Hyungwon, that’s not it- No, oh my God, you don’t have to- Don’t apologize.” _I’m a fucking idiot, Jesus Christ._ “I’m sorry, baby, I just… You didn’t… It’s okay, I don’t mind, but you hadn’t… Since we got together again, you never said you loved me before. I didn’t see that coming.”

For a brief moment, he just gazed at him as if he was trying to solve a riddle on Hoseok’s face.

“I was… I feel less afraid, now. I mean, I still am, but… you keep saying you love me when we’re together and I just reply in my mind that I love you too… I guess you could say it felt right. _Now_. I was in the mood.”

God, Hoseok was about to self-combust with too much joy. He didn’t know if it was even possible, or legal, to feel that happy.

“Excuse me, but I’m going to kiss the shit out of you right now.”

There was nothing better than to feel the man he loved tumbling into his chest as his mouth was on Hoseok’s, snickering for some reason that he didn’t care about as long as Hyungwon kept smiling. That was it. The solution of the dilemma that his life was, now unraveled. Hyungwon was the answer to it all.

The raven-haired pulled away from the kiss first, but still had lips roaming across his cheeks.

“You attack my heart so much, I swear.”

Chuckling again, Hyungwon pretended to have a bow, shooting an invisible arrow at him. So, of course, Hoseok could only fall on his back after that strike.

Body hovering over him, the younger man seemed amused.

“Don’t die. I’m not doing that Sleeping Beauty shit. It’s not realistic she hadn’t an awful breath after all those years.”

The defamation.

“It’s magic! You don’t have to explain magic!”

“She had 1 job, Hoseok. She made her bed and laid on it. _Literally_.”

“Yah! Yah!” Hoseok his torso up so fast that Hyungwon had to wrap an arm around his neck to not fall. “Are you done being a disrespectful brat?”

“When have I ever. Gosh, you’re sweaty as fuck. Wanna take a shower before those hobgoblins get here?”

Nodding, Hoseok calmly put the raven-haired’s second arm around his neck and got up, holding him by the thighs wrapped around his waist.

“Are you gonna be on it too?”

“Hell to the yeah.”

 

 

“What I mean is that it’s not illegal to adopt a cat you saw alone in the street.”

_God._

Jooheon stared at his best friend beyond unimpressed, mainly fed up with a hint of self-questioning about his life choices.

“Changkyun, the owner was 2 meters away from us, she lives near the studio. I don’t know how to break it to you, but that’s kidnapping.” That was the kind of nonsense that only the youngest could be doing. Gunhee laughed at earlier, but Jooheon almost had a mental breakdown. “I had to convince her that you’re not on your right mind. Which is not a lie.”

From the head of the wood platform they were sitting on, in the rooftop, the maknae gasped so hard he almost fell on his back.

“That cat wanted me, I saw it in her eyes!”

_This is going to be a long night._

He could only share a look of weariness with his boyfriend, situated in front of him with Hyungwon’s head on his lap; as if the latter had read his thoughts, he turned his head towards his apartment’s door. And as expected, a yell emerged.

“YAH, KIHYUN, _PLEASE_. Come collect your boyfriend.”

An entire minute later, the brown-haired man appeared at the apartment’s entrance.

“What do you want, hag? I’m trying to clean.”

Hyungwon glanced at him in the most blasé way reasonable.

“The damn dishes aren’t going to dematerialize if get your bitch ass here. Come on, only you can get the maknae to shut up.”

On the opposite spot to Changkyun, Hoseok currently cackled at what the raven-haired hyung said, but still focused on eating chips.

Joining his plead, Gunhee craned his head towards the older man at the threshold.

“I’ll owe you my life if you get him to stop.”

Kihyun scoffed. “No, thanks. I don’t collect disasters.”

A sigh was followed for heavy footsteps, ending with Changkyun’s boyfriend sitting beside Hyunwoo and him.

“Kyun, forget the cat. Someone else start a new topic before I stab you all except Jooheon.” He had to snort when Kihyun turned his head to him and patted his hair. “What a cutie.”

The hustle of voices that arose after that stunned Jooheon a bit, gradually making him glance at the hyung on his right side. Hyunwoo seemed a lot better those days; almost 2 weeks had passed since Minhyuk left to Busan and a grayest February greeted him at his door. his hyung was holding up; they tried hard to stop Hyunwoo from throwing pity Minhyuk’s absence created a hollowness all of them could grasp, so Jooheon could only imagine how Hyunwoo’s pity parties were, but sometimes it was just… a moment the older man needed to have, perhaps the only way he could keep himself well-balanced.

Sometimes Jooheon wondered if adult life had to be essentially so fucked up. Hoping it’d change that atmosphere, he voiced his idea.

“Hyung, talk about your new choreography. You just told me it was for TWICE, that’s fucking awesome.”

Gunhee perked up so abruptly that Hyungwon’s head almost fell off of his lap.

“HOW COME I’M NOT INFORMED OF THESE STUFF?”

“Gun.” On his peripheral vision, Hoseok took a sip of his beer while scolding the Jooheon’s boyfriend. “Tone it down. You’re a rapper, protect your vocal cords.”

The men in the rooftop complied with Hoseok, and as soon as Hyungwon looked up he could see Gun throwing finger hearts at Hoseok.

“Hyung, when you’re being all practical like this it’s a huge turn on, have that in mind. Even more than when you speak in French.”

“Yah, Song Gunhee!” Kihyun’s yell cut through his ears like a knife. Pointing at him, he avidly made his point. “Your boyfriend is right here!”

“It’s not like he’s wrong, though.”

Changkyun could’ve died right there by the way he choked on his beer.

_What the hell is this night doing to them?_

 

 

Not a single person in the world could fathom how much willpower Hyungwon had to muster to not burst into laughter. While the chat fell into an uncomfortable silence after his remark on what Gun said, Hoseok looked at him surprised wide eyes that could be easily read as “What are you doing?”; Hyungwon wanted to cackle just at the way that no one except Hyungwon dared to stare at the crimson-haired man.

He was truly having the time of his life. It became even better when a vibration started in the pocket of his sweater.

The message Hyungwon got had him laughing so hard that he lifted his head off of his friend’s lap only to hide his mouth with a hand.

A heavy cough coming from one of the men in the place — the youngest — earned his attention back, after a couple of minutes staring at his phone and giggling like an idiot, but it was worthy. Everybody was awkwardly speechless, and he loved it. Regardless of it, Hyungwon could feel Kihyun’s murderous stare on his face even without eye contact.

“Anyways…” As expected, his best friend’s voice sounded so bitter that he could even taste it in the air. “Hyung, things are going better at work, I see. It’s huge stuff.”

While the raven-haired still eagerly typed on his phone, Hyunwoo’s soothing voice echoed through the rooftop, inimitable.

“It’s just for a B-side, though… But I’m glad. It’s a new thing for me. I’ve never did choreos for girl groups. They learn faster than boys, really faster. They’re cute too, it’s good to work with them.”

Beside the oldest man, Jooheon clapped excitedly.

“Gosh, I can’t believe I’m gonna see TWICE dancing something that Hyunwoo hyung created. I love TWICE.”

“Clearly.” The maknae agreed. “Everybody is a TWICE stan, it’s the nation’s group.”

As expected, Hyungwon wouldn’t be able to enjoy himself without an interruption.

“Chae Hyungwon.”

Just like teachers, Kihyun had this specific voice tone he used when he was about to whoop someone’s ass. It was exactly the one he used to call his name.

Not gonna lie, it was scary as hell.

“Yes…?”

Everybody knew about that peculiarity, so that was probably the reason why his friends were looking at him in the most baffled way possible.

“Any news you want to share?”

_Not yet, Hamster._

“Not really. You all know I’m pretty boring.”

The next question came from the rapper beside him, who tried to sound as emotionless as possible.

“Really, hyung? You seem very… excited. Wanna tell us?”

_As if._

“Not really.”

“Yah, Hyungwon.” His best friend spoke again. “Can you go with me grab something in the kitchen?”

It wasn’t like he could refuse that, despite the fact that it could be signaling he was about to be killed.

 

“Are you out of your goddamn mind?”

Hyungwon could swear he saw a bowl almost being smashed by Kihyun’s fist once he dropped it on the sink, slanting his back on that one afterwards.

At least 5 years were added to his lifespan that night, so it was kinda hard to put on a poker face, but he managed to.

“What do you mean?”

His friend’s voice grew into something more like a whisper.

“Look, I know- I get it if you don’t want anything else with Hoseok hyung, but you have to do _that…_ ” Kihyun pointed at Hyungwon’s phone, on the latter’s hand. “in front of him? Then- Fuck, I don’t know what you’re doing? That comment? Was that… flirting? Never saw you doing that, you just went and shared a bed with him back in college. More than any of us after we started dating, by the way.”

_I summon all the power in the cosmos, give me strength to not fall on the floor chuckling so hard my lungs won’t bear._

“Again… do _what_ , Kihyun? I just agreed with Gun.”

“YOU! Looking at your phone, like, getting texts from God-knows-who because you _refuse_ to tell me who it is that you’re… We have a 19-year-old friendship, asshole. That’s… it’s cruel, Hyungwon. Hoseok loves you to death and I thought you guys were… I mean, we saw you two sleeping together on New Year’s Eve.”

_I’m living so damn much._

“I had a panic attack while you got hammered. And we slept together before.”

 “Yes, but that was before you two dated! Now… Look, if you don’t want anything like that, just tell him. So he can move on and… You know, meet someone else.”

“Why would he do that?”

Kihyun was fuming.

“Because!? Fuck, sometimes being your friend is hard. Don’t play with hyung’s feelings if you don’t like him anymore. Hoseok is my friend too. I’ll hit your head in the wall if you keep doing this and hurt him.”

_This is almost touching._

“You’re MY best friend. Why are you taking his side now?”

“Because you’re being a little shit, it’s my job as your older brother to put you in your place! I’m warning you, Turtle.” The man pointed a threatening finger at him. “Get your shit together.”

“Overall, or just about this?”

“ _About this_. Don’t even know if it’s possible for someone to have all their shit together.”

 

“Where is Hoseok?”

If Kihyun’s voice expressed something, it was definitely befuddlement.

“He left, like, a minute ago.” Changkyun clarified, scrutinizing Hyungwon with every atom of disapproval he had in him. “Are you happy now, hyung? Gosh, that was really mean, you outdid yourself.”

“What the hell? I didn’t do anything!”

It was Gun’s time to talk.

“Being flirty with hyung! Then looking at your phone like you used to do when Hoseok hyung texted you back then. Why are you still treating him like this? He’s doing his best.”

“Seriously, Hyungwon hyung.” The latter’s boyfriend shared his input. “You know he’s still crazy about you.”

_I know._

“What’s this? A fucking Inquisition? I know nobody expects the Inquisition, but still… why the fuck you all attacking me now?” Moving his head towards Hyunwoo, he feigned an affronted look. “Hyung, you think like this too?”

The older’s voice was still silvery as he scolded him a little.

“Well… We all know how Hoseok feels towards you… Just don’t give him hope if you don’t intend to give him another chance.”

Stomping back to his place on the platform, beside Gunhee, Hyungwon scoffed at all of them. Putting on a pout, he could only think about how hilarious that was, but still expressed a last objection.

“That’s so unfair.”

 

[11:15 pm]

Hoseok:

_Hey baby_

_Sorry I have to go to my mom’s house and you_

_Well, you and Kihyun take too long arguing. Goodnight, I love you_

[11:44 pm]

Hyungwon:

_Wtf_

_Oh sorry I just read the middle message_

_It’s fine, it added more drama_ _™_ _to my performance_

_I’ve been roasted by everyone because of you just so you know_

_Everything alright at home?_

[11:36 pm]

Hoseok:

_Yeah, mom just wanted to give me food_

_What do you mean by being roasted_

Hyungwon:

_They’re your fan club now_

_Hoseok Defense Squad_ _™_

_And I’m the heartbreaker bitch_

_I’m thriving. I came out to fool these idiots and I’m having such a good time_

Hoseok:

_Lmao_

_That’s what you get for being a tsundere_

Hyungwon:

_I already told you I’m not that_

_I’m the handsome and cold-looking guy who’s actually caring but also a bit of a jerk_

Hoseok:

_You just described a tsundere, baby_

Hyungwon:

_Fuck off_

_They’re all drunk, I miss you_

Hoseok:

_What would your fake boyfriend say if he saw you texting me this?_

Hyungwon:

_My fake boyfriend is actually Hoshi_

_I’m paying him to send me embarrassing pics of the boys in the studio_

_He’s very chaotic good so of course he accepted it_

_Got a compilation of Gunhee’s stupid face tonight_

Hoseok:

_Have I told you that you being mischievous turns me on?_

_Because it does_

Hyungwon:

_Are you home? I’m gonna dump their asses, I want to kiss you_

Hoseok:

_Well, you know the passcode so it’s not like I can stop you_

 

 

“Can I ask you something?”

Eyelids heavy as a rock, Hoseok was in the middle of drifting off when Hyungwon’s voice arose in his bedroom.

“Told you. No permission needed.”

Time had passed quickly after the other man arrived; their bodies spilled together with no gap between them made his mattress appear to be bigger than it actually was, because Hyungwon had a pretty strong conviction of always sleeping half on top of Hoseok, like he did most of the time when they slept together in college.

“But it’s like… complicated topic. It’s- Did you- Did you ever thought of looking for your biological parents?”

Not a question Hoseok expected to hear at almost 01:00 am.

Curling an arm around Hyungwon’s waist, he pushed his body up a bit for a better angle.

“I thought about it once, when I was a teenager, maybe. Never was really curious about that, to be honest. But my mom asked me that too, back then, I think she was worried or something. I don’t… you know, hate them for leaving me behind, I’m just… indifferent. I’m happy, so… Why? Do you…”

“No! Hell no to the max. I’ve had enough of mothers and fathers for 3 lifetimes. I was thinking that… People usually want to know where they come from, and… I was wondering if it’s weird that I don’t care about it.”

“Of course not. What you feel is valid, even though it seems kinda weird. Remember that. If you are curious about it or not, it’s fine either way. You’re doing good. Wait. That reminded of something I wanted to ask.”

Hyungwon swiftly propped his chin up on an elbow. “What?”

“When is your next appointment with your therapist? I want to accompany you, if you allow me. Hyungwon?”

Often, the raven-haired had this habit of spacing out, even in the middle of their conversations; that one time, particularly, it looked troublesome.

“I’m not- I don’t go there since… after Christmas, maybe. I don’t want to. I don’t need it anymore.”

_Oh._

“Why?”

Reluctantly, Hyungwon groaned a bit before sitting up in bed.

“I’m tired of explaining things about me over and over again. I’m tired of everything related to… emotions, honestly.”

Hoseok had to chuckle.

“You told me you love me this afternoon, remember?”

Mouth agape ready to refute, the younger man hinted he wasn’t sure enough.

“Hyungwon. Are you sure of that? 100%?”

All the man did was groan as if he was being tortured, throwing his body back on top of Hoseok. He probably felt like he was.

“Listen, baby… I’m not trying to force you to do anything. I think it’d do you good if you kept going there. To get a new perspective of things, especially now you’re about to enter a new period of your life.”

“But I already have you! I’m on top of a therapist right now.”

God, it was hard to make a point when you have Chae Hyungwon brushing his lips against your neck.

“I’m not your therapist … it’s not the same. There’s stuff I can’t help you with. I’m not gonna judge you if you don’t really want to go back there- I- I’ll respect your choices, of course. But if you ever feel you need it again, go. Can you at least give me a name? I wanted to check if you’re in good hands.”

Casting a leg across Hoseok’s waist, Hyungwon propelled his torso up to dive even more into his neck.

“I’m in good hands right now.”

It was impossible not to helplessly laugh.

“Baby, seriously.”

“Are you going to do a background investigation on her?”

“What? And you say _I_ watch too many dramas. I’m not a cop. Everybody kinda knows everybody in this field, I’d just ask around.”

An ill-concealed disappointment on the younger man’s face was apparent once he pulled his head up, just a few centimeters away from his.

“Meh. That’s lame.”

Hoseok huffed at that. “It’s not my fault you live for the drama.”

“I don’t like being _too_ involved in the drama, I just want to supervise it. With popcorn in hands.”

It didn’t bother him much, and it was a small thing to notice Hyungwon’s mannerism when the man leaned to kiss him; his hands hovered above his skin, warily, but once his fingers started to travel up and down Hoseok’s body, the latter felt as if his waiting for him had never really ended. However, in those seconds of expectation also lived an endless bliss, consequence of the clash of their bodies, the most beautiful moment of being in love.

He was sure he’d never get enough of Hyungwon’s modus operandi in intimacy, finishing it with a peck. Eyes gazing at Hoseok again, he announced his short farewell.

“Goodnight, Hoseok.”

“Goodnight, Hyungwonnie.”

 

 

_WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS BITCH OF HOUSE_

[12:10 pm]

_PETTY added Hyunwoo hyung_

_PETTY changed Hyunwoo hyung’s nickname to “The sane one”_

**PETTY** : QUICK RECAP hyungwon is a backstabbing hoe hes fucking with someone that ain’t hoseok

 **PETTY** : we’re gathered here to bring true love back

[12:12 pm]

 **The sane one** : So that’s the reason of the discussion yesterday

 **Kyunnie** : hyung we cannot stand still they have to end up together

 **The sane one** : Okay… But who’s hyungwon’s new guy?

 **PETTY** : WE DON’T KNOW HE REFUSES TO TELL ME AND SMILES LIKE DUMBASS BITCH AT HIS PHONE

 **Chewing Gun** : pls this is a sensible subject to me I don’t wanna believe this is real

 **PETTY** : we have to kill this new guy

 **Precious child** : how come everything here ends up in planning murder

 **The sane one** : Well… I’m sure Hyungwon still likes Hoseok, so the obvious choice is to get someone to hit on Hoseok in front of him

 **Chewing Gun** : TODAY WE ARE CANCELLING THE APOCALYPSE

 

 

Everything in theory is absurdly less wearisome, of course. Hyungwon should’ve been aware of how much work he’d have in trying to assemble a viable plan for what he wished to do; it’s not like he didn’t think about giving up at least 30 times a day, he did, but something in his mind just screamed that it was the wrong move. He wanted to go good, to help people, truly. However, doing that alone, at least for the moment, made Hyungwon feel as if he was trying to escape the stranded island he got himself into. Drained, cold and 50% prone to commit homicide, the raven-haired concluded that despite it all, the most torturous fact was that he hadn’t seem Hoseok for a week; his time was divided wandering between his lawyer’s office and non-profit organizations, trying to encapsulate the concept of what he wished to create. It was uncontrollable to not fall asleep as soon as he landed on his bed. His intuition kindly suggested that his sacrifices were just beginning.

By the end of Friday, there was nothing that Hyungwon wanted more than to drop dead on his mattress and spend the entire weekend in a short coma, but of course his friends, knocking non-stop on his door, would never let him rest in peace.

“What the fuck do you vandals want?”

Hyungwon didn’t check himself on the mirror, but he was sure he looked like the personification of shit at that moment. His best friend and his respective boyfriend stood there, smiling at him like the idiots they were. Changkyun even waved at him.

“Hyung, wassup?”

“Don’t wassup me, son of a bitch. I’m not doing anything.”

He could’ve retaliated against Kihyun’s arm holding his door back, but there wasn’t energy enough for that in his body.

“We didn’t see you all week, Turtle. Hang out with us a little bit.”

“No. Goodbye forever.”

As expected, Kihyun wouldn’t go down without a fight, pulling the filthiest card he had on his sleeve: the long-term friendship.

“Turtle, come on. We know everything about each other since we were kids, but nowadays I barely know shit about your life. Please? Just one hour and I won’t complain if you leave.”

Massaging his temples, the raven-haired found it easier to give up than to argue back.

“You are a terrible person, Yoo Kihyun. Get in you two, I need to shower.”

 

 

Certain moments in life are a perfect recipe for a disaster, and the ones Hyungwon ever experienced had 2 things in common: his friends, sent by the heavens to make him pay for his sins, and places alcohol-loaded. No matter how much he tried to get himself out of these nonsenses, somehow he was always convinced — by Kihyun — to get involved in their shit because someone had to be the reasonable person, at some point. Something Hyungwon was far from being, but he could pretend well.

That Friday night shenanigans was currently being hosted at their preferred bar downtown, near to where he used to live; mainly because it was the one with the smallest concentration of straight people per square meter.

Hyungwon was almost getting a good nap on the bar table when Gunhee interfered.

“Hyung, tell us what you’ve been doing. We don’t know jack shit.”

_All I did was walk back and forth between a thousand of places, and I miss Hoseok._

“I’m working on something. I will tell you all when I’m sure it’s going to happen, I don’t wanna ruin it.”

Sitting in front of him, with his boyfriend on his left side, Kihyun threw an unconvinced look at him, raising an eyebrow.

The attitude in his voice was one Hyungwon detested, and didn’t know where it came from. Well, he did, but it wasn’t that deep.

“Besides that… Anything else, Turtle?”

_I want to sleep. With Hoseok._

With the most monotone tone ever heard, he tried to come up with something that would get them to shut up, but his brain was too busy playing an elevator music on repeat.

“I’m doing a rewatch of Parks & Recreation.”

He could hear Jooheon let out a frustrated sigh beside him, along with Hyunwoo at one of the ends of the table. Maybe it was because Hyungwon was worn out, but that didn’t seen much fun anymore.

Mischievously grinning at him, Gunhee was the next in line to annoy him.

“What more, hyung?”

“I’ve been accumulating a few lethal naps throughout the last days.”

“That’s not what I meant, Hyungwon. Use your brain’s finesse to get this innuendo.”

“I don’t know the codes of the youth these days… I don’t even how I got here.”

The boy didn’t give up.

“Met someone new? You know, like… grownups. Men. Gay men. Like you! Or just non-straight in general. Don’t fall for the heteros, it’s a con job.”

In all conscience, Hyungwon would’ve seized that discussion if his body wasn’t really close to shut down.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You had a hickey on your neck last week, hyung.”

_Damnit, Hoseok._

“And?”

“Tell us who it is!”

“No.”

“Pretty please?”

“No.”

“Is it because of Hoseok hyung? We won’t tell him.”

Beside the raven-haired man, Jooheon seconded that.

“Yeah. We just care about you.”

Hyungwon knew he should’ve granted the boys a wittier reply, and yet he simply rolled his eyes.

“What Hoseok has to do about that? We’re fine. Isn’t that what you guys wanted?”

Taking a good look at the situation tired him a lot more, not enough to give the detailed explanation they’d require if he spilled the truth; Hyunwoo, with Gunhee on his right and Jooheon on his left, seemed to be spacing out more than Hyungwon usually did; in front of the latter, sat the three people that delivered a vibe that they weren’t going to get off his dick anytime soon. In between his boyfriend and Gun, Changkyun had a fazed glint on his eyes when he craned his head towards him.

“You still can’t forgive him? Like… we know you still like him, you keep doing these heart eyes at him when you think he’s not looking, same way you look at a new book you just bought. Can’t you just… give him a chance?”

All the joy that it could’ve possibly given him vanished for good, along with most of his patience.

“Did you called me here to interrogate me? Listen.” Taking a deep breath to not kill all of them, Hyungwon looked away to no point in particular of the bar; a wall entirely covered in pictures and post-its, left by customers, faced him while his back was given to the entrance. “Forget my love life, okay? I’m _fine_. Why it’s so important for me to be dating someone? I don’t _need_ anyone right now. I don’t give a fuck about that. Why do you guys think I HAVE to be with Hoseok? For our little group to finally be complete? To suffice your obsession with that? Quit. And why is your business if I forgave him or not? That’s the least important matter in my life right now, so please, leave me alone.”

An overpowering shock hit Kihyun, Changkyun and Gunhee’s face, but it took Hyungwon a little while to see they weren’t staring at him.

_Fuck._

Certain moments in life were incredibly clear about what the hell was happening as soon as it did; that’s why Hyungwon already knew what expected him as he turned his body around. It was, indeed, a kick in the guts — one that he deserved — to see Hoseok standing there, with an expression that served as a confirmation that the man heard what came out of Hyungwon’s wretched mouth in the past minute.

To enlighten it better, the desolation spread all over the older’s face was powerful enough to have vaporized everything within a 10-mile radius, like an atomic bomb. It’d have done Hyungwon a favor, though. All he wished at that moment was to die, for what unfolded in that place was the distressed exit of the man he loved — away from that bar, from his arms.

_No, no, no._

While his eyes were still fixated on the, now, empty space where Hoseok stood to listen Hyungwon talking shit that he didn’t mean to say that way, the people on the table finally reacted.

The paradox that his body became consisted in simple concepts — what he knew he had to do and the lack of that action, all due his stupid brain’s choice to make him stop dead.

Not even his hyung’s serene voice wasn’t so uplifting at that moment.

“Hyungwon… that’s-”

In the same way it kept him inert, that panic jolted his body forward, running in the same direction Hoseok did, because he couldn’t let the older man leave like that, thinking that Hyungwon meant that poorly-phrased crap. He wasn’t going to lose him again, not after everything they went through.

His first thought once he hit the streets was that Hoseok could already be a block away from him, considering how fast the man was capable to run. Logically, he tried to explain to his stupid neurons that he couldn’t have a mental breakdown at that moment, he had stuff to do, and yet…  He had to apologize and… you know, at least express regret for being the dipshit he was. For not telling their friends about them because he was enjoying being a pain in the ass, once more not considering Hoseok’s feelings.

_Why the fuck am I like this?_

Last time he checked the time on his phone, a few moments before that stupidity and mostly to calculate when it was a good moment to go back home, it was close to 06:00 pm. The streets were now filled with a crowd of strangers, many of them mirroring his weariness, and Hyungwon knew it’d be even harder to find the crimson-haired man among them.

That was all he wanted, and wasn’t worth of. Hoseok.

 

 

_WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS BITCH OF HOUSE_

[07:01 pm]

 

_PETTY changed the group’s name to: well. SHIT._

 

 **Precious child** : that’s accurate

 **Precious child** : first of all, who tf invited hoseok

 **The sane one** : …………..

 **Precious child** : HYUNG WTF

 **The sane one** : he called me earlier, okay? asked how am I and I said we were hanging out at the bar later bc I forgot it was to squeeze something out of Hyungwon

 **PETTY** : jesus christ………………..

 **PETTY** : why the fuck timing is only on point when its for shit

 **PETTY** : hyungwon isn’t answering me or replying my texts he wants me dead

 **The sane one** : he seemed… perplexed…

 **Chewing Gun** : Hoseok hyung looked like someone just killed his puppy in front of him that’s the most horrifying thing I can think to compare

 **Kyunnie** : tru

 **PETTY** : Hoseok isn’t answering too IM GOING TO HAVE A STROKE get up changkyun we’re going there

 **Kyunnie** : where

 **Precious child** : hyung’s house ofc that’s where hes crying im sure

 **Chewing Gun** : jooheon and i can be there in 20 if we leave now

 **Precious child** : boy im already on the hallway come on

 **Kyunnie** : us too

 **The sane one** : should we really

 **PETTY** : JUST GO FOR FUCKS SAKE

 

 

It was a surprise that, after his panic attack, Hyungwon actually managed to get to Hoseok’s building on foot — a walk of 30 minutes, probably less if he wasn’t so distraught by his feelings and the noisy rush hour. Just that one time, Hyungwon wanted to sweep through time, to that exact minute he let his exhaustion get the best of him, and kick his own ass. The kind of stuff that happened in his life had the potential to be comical if he could gather sarcasm enough, but frequently it was nothing more than a bunch of calamities. There wasn’t an exact word to describe how he viewed the entire landscape of that event, but the act of nervously raking his nails against his arm, until they got all red, couldn’t be more forthright.

Hoseok had to be there. _Not the right question_. If he was there, would he want to see him? Of course not, not even Hyungwon wanted to have to deal with himself, but he didn’t have a choice; trying to fix that was all he could do.

Even if he was aware that he didn’t have the right to cry, a few tears rolled down Hyungwon’s cheeks once he entered the elevator; goddamn elevators haunted by all the good and bad stuff that happened to them in those metal boxes. Not much long ago, they were in that exact same spot he now stood, kissing each other like they were meant to, away from the solitude.

As expected, Hyungwon had to ruin it all.

No one would feel sorry by the way the air started escaping his lungs again when he reached Hoseok’s door, he brought that upon himself. Rearrange that situation or just let Hoseok put an end to it all? One of the million questions infiltrating his head, because it was always easier to be a coward, to give up when things got hard.

_No, I’m not gonna lose him._

The living room’s lamp was on, a confirmation that Hyungwon couldn’t turn back because the man he loved, and hurt badly, was there.

For a moment, he thought about just typing the passcode and face it before he could have second thoughts — just like ripping off a band-aid. However, Hyungwon already reached his limit of being a dick that day — that year.

 

[07:21 pm]

Hyungwon:

_Please, open the door._

_I’m sorry, please let me explain. I’m in front of your apartment._

 

Stunned with that quickness that the entrance was opened, only just 30 seconds after his text, Hyungwon kind of froze again, startled eyes gazing at Hoseok’s swollen face revealing how much he had cried. The older waited, and Hyungwon let him escape through his fingers again, disappearing inside the apartment, but leaving the door unlatched.

The sound of his voice made Hoseok pause his steps, in the middle of the living room.

“Hoseok… I- I didn’t mean it like that, I- I’m- I’m sorry, I’m such-”

For the first time, the man unpredictably looked up at him with all the sorrow in the world.

“Are you sure?”

“What?”

“Will you ever be able to forgive me, Hyungwon? Every time I think- I can’t read that in your face.”

_What is he saying?_

“You know that’s not true. We’ve been together for weeks and-”

“We were together for just weeks when I left, years ago.”

“Do you think this is a payback? Seriously? I didn’t- I’m tired and the guys were bothering me, just wanted them to stop. I didn’t mean it.”

Nodding like he wanted to pretend he was convinced, Hoseok rubbed half of his face with his hand.

“I’m… Sometimes I don’t even think I’m entitled to- Did you at least had fun today pretending to our friends that you’re dating someone else?”

“Of course not- Jesus, I’m sorry I’m an insensitive piece of shit. I’d never hurt you on purpose. Do you believe me, right?”

The lack of response was killing Hyungwon.

“I… need to think.”

_No._

“About what? Us?”

“Yes.”

_I can’t start crying now, fuck’s sake._

“Don’t- Don’t do this. I’m not leaving.”

“I’m not breaking up with you. I just… Tell me what you really think. No restraints. Even if it’s not what I want to hear. If you care about me, say it.”

Nails burying on his hands to the point it could be bleeding, Hyungwon gave a non-stop answer.

“The importance of… Me, forgiving you, it isn’t an important thing anymore because _I_ _already_ _did_. I’m scared, of all this, but I had enough courage to say that I love you. Your choices back then… I know why you did that, and- Everything you did for me the past year until this moment… Hoseok, when you say you love me, these days, I feel so happy it’s almost shameful, I didn’t know it was possible to feel that. Exactly how I felt when we first started dating. Exactly how I felt the first time you kissed me on that beach, the first time we had sex. What I think? I think that- no, I’m _sure_ I’m in love with you to the point I’d yell this on the streets with if asked me to. I love you, do you hear me? I’m a fucking idiot. But I love you, I do. You’re so damn perfect, Hoseok. I just- I love every single thing about you. Believe it, just like I believe you love me too. Don’t- Don’t stay away from me. Please.”

The quietness between them hadn’t been so suffocating in a long time.

“Do you… mean it? About-”

“Yes. I swear to you I do. You mean the world to me, Hoseok.”

For a long time, Hyungwon was surviving, not quite living. However, even the dead cells still spread across his skin came back to life with the feeling of Hoseok’s lips on his — so fervent, so rough. The extra weight added made him stumble backwards a bit, but kind of already used to move his legs to a better position to kiss Hoseok back.

That was what Hyungwon was doing. Kissing Hoseok, _his fucking boyfriend_ , the only man he ever loved, just like he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

At first, Hyungwon had to admit he thought the salty water wetting his face were his, but as soon as they pulled apart to, you know, be able to breath, he saw Hoseok’s face soaked in tears again. His heart shrunk to the size of a bean.

“Don’t cry. I’m stupid and- I can’t communicate like- yeah, a proper human being-”

“Hyungwon.”

“Yes?”

“It’s because… I… This was the only thing I really wanted in the past years. I wanted you back, entirely back to me. I didn’t know if- How long… but I waited and I’d wait it all over again, just for you.”

He snorted, arms still around Hoseok.

“Jesus… You’re so cheesy.”

“You just said you’d scream you loved me if I asked you.”

“Shut up.”

Without a hurry, without a worry, Hyungwon kissed him again; small circles were draw on his clothed back, his favorite body language to read.

“What in the FUCK?”

Truth is Hyungwon could’ve left Hoseok tone-deaf by the way he squealed centimeters away from the older man; not his fault that an unnoticed voice came out of fucking nowhere. As if it was a second instinct, he twirled his body in fright behind Hoseok, clutching on the latter’s shirt.

His best friend was the first to huff at him, stating the obvious.

“You’re taller. You can’t hide.”

All their friends — except for Minhyuk, for evident reasons — stood in the hallway of Hoseok’s apartment with bewildered and tense looks on their faces, because of course Hyungwon didn’t pay enough attention to shut the damn door; worse, he started stammering.

“I’m- I- What-”

“Why are you guys here?”

Bless Hoseok for actually being functional at moments like that — when he was being exposed, and one step away from having his pride crushed.

Just as much as train tracks were bound to the earth to follow a predetermined route, the path of that conversation wouldn’t change the results of that equation, so Hyungwon decided to deal with that as a heartfelt _fuck it_.

“Well.” Closing the door behind them, Kihyun kept doing the talking. “Both of you. You didn’t answer you fucking phones, it was invented for that. I was having a heart attack.”

“God…” Once his body became a bit more at ease, Hyungwon lessened the hold on Hoseok’s garment. “Calm your balls, peeved Stuart Little.”

“Fuck you. Back to this…” Kihyun gestured vaguely towards Hoseok and him. “Just so you know, we got here in the ‘I’m not breaking up with you’ part, which is really funny because who knew you two were dating again? NOT US, ASSHOLES.”

With a calm hand reaching out to hold his hand, Hoseok brought Hyungwon to sit with him on the floor, having the others sitting on his couch.

“That was not how I expected things…” Jooheon staggered a bit to make himself clear. “To turn out? End up? Gun said-”

It wasn’t even funny the way that Gunhee was unbelievably sobbing beside his boyfriend.

_What the hell._

As much as their emotions worked like a roller coaster, Hyungwon couldn’t quite understand what on Earth his friend was doing right in front of him. For the benefit of his mental health, he decided to roll his eyes and ignore it, enfolding Hoseok’s arms around his waist — _so warm_.

“Can someone tell me why is he crying?”

Hoseok was too good for his own good. Clutching on the latter’s wrists, chuckled at his question and leaned against Hoseok’s chest to observe that discussion.

No more than half minute was necessary for the situation to escalate faster than the speed of sound. Much for his surprise and in the most ridiculous way possible — because no one in that damn group was drama-free — every single one of their friends started crying, simultaneously.

5 grown ass men weeping like kids in front of Hoseok and him. Hyungwon never reconsidered his life choices more than at that moment.

“Oh no. Hoseok, kick them out. I will strangle them.”

“I’m so happy.” His stupid best friend muttered, rubbing his face with a hand. “You fuckers took so damn long.”

Completely ignoring their presence, the maknae craned his head towards his boyfriend.

“I know, right? I can’t believe they’re- Gun, you’re really getting that Daesang.”

Mainly for the sake of the melodrama, Jooheon’s boyfriend desperately brought a hand to his chest and cried even more.

“I AM! I AM!”

“Gun. You have it in your phone, right?” Jooheon also seemed to have forgotten they were there, on the floor. “Play it.”

“I gotta agree with the boys…” His hyung, actually being the one crying the most among them, seemed to have recomposed himself. “This drama was the best thing this country ever created.”

Gunhee perked up again with that.

“That’s why Wonseok is the nation’s couple! Take _that_ , SongSong.”

Stirring onward a bit, Hyungwon stared at them as if he was considering that all of that was a hallucination.

He wished it was.

“Excuse me. Now I ask. What is happening? And what the fuck is a _Wonseok_?”

It would trouble his dreams forever the creepy smirk that Gun exhibited on his face.

“It’s you guys!”

_Why are they like this?_

“Wait a DAMN second. Is this… a _ship name_? Like Yunjae? Hell no. Kihyun?”

“Yeah. I kinda created, to be honest.”

“Who’s Yunjae, baby?”

A precious man who needed to be indoctrinated more about idol pairings. Kihyun enlightened him first.

“Yunho and Jaejoong, from DBSK. We were crazy about them when we were teenagers, that’s kinda how we really bonded. We cried for weeks when Jaejoong left.”

Not the important part, so Hyungwon concentrated on discover the motivation of that horseshit.

“Can you please explain why we have a ship name?”

Patting his boyfriend in the shoulder, Changkyun whispered, chuckling a bit in the middle of it.

“He called Hyungwon ‘baby’, did you hear it?”

“I know, right? True love is back.”

“STOP DOING THAT!” He might have frightened Hoseok a bit with that yell, but it was necessary. “Explain.”

“We had a group chat, still kinda have? To talk about the nation’s couple, which by the way is you two.”

Gunhee’s words were so insane that it took him a while to process those sentences. Fixating his eyes on Hoseok, who kind of seemed in the same condition as him, a confused look was shared with him before the older question another thing.

“Since when? Why? How do- Why?”

“Because you two are fucking epic- Wait a second, I found it. Here.”

 

_If I didn’t go there_

_We probably wouldn’t have become a “we”_

_It feels like time has stopped_

_I can only see you_

_A person who I thought I only met in my dreams_

_Is right in front of me_

_Only you_

_When I close my eyes at night_

_I fall asleep, drunk with you_

_I’m a man in a movie_

_When we meet eyes_

_Like we’re stars in a movie, beautiful_

_I hope this moment continues_

_I’m a man in a movie_

_Since I have you_

_I don’t want anything else_

_This moment just feels perfect_

_I’m a man in a movie_

He didn’t have to ask for an explanation, because Gunhee excitedly gave one.

“It’s Wonseok’s theme song, I composed it. ‘Man in a movie’. Because in the last 3 years, no drama in TV was a match to you guys. Like, the clichés… By the way, I’m the main writer of this story, so you guys are welcome.”

“Who is singing this?” The man he loved to death wasn’t making the right questions.

“Seokmin and Jeonghan. Told them about the Wonseok story and they ended up crying. Agreed to record it for me right away.”

In what kind of eerie reality Hyungwon was in? More importantly, how could he get out of that as soon as possible?

“Hoseok.”

“Hmm?”

“I’d hold me down if I were you now.”

Because if his boyfriend hadn’t used his strength to keep him on the floor, he would’ve certainly broke Gun’s neck, and killed everybody in that room but Hoseok.

“Why are you trying to murder me? I’m the biggest Wonseok supporter since day 1.”

“No way.” Kihyun retorted. “That’s ME, boy. Wonseok shall live forever because of my support.”

“What are you two talking about?” Hyunwoo asserted very seriously. “Minhyuk was the one who brought the group chat back when _you_ , Kihyun, wasn’t on board of the Wonseok ship anymore.”

_My life is a sitcom, and not even one of the good ones._

“STOP CALLING US THAT!”

“Baby, calm down. It sounds weird that the guys had the time to talk about us, but… they had good intentions. When did… this _thing_ started?”

“That day you called Minhyuk hyung because you blackmailed Hyungwon to pretend to be your boyfriend and said you wanted to kiss him.” Jooheon’s boyfriend’s body language suggested the man was on cloud nine. “I was very much awake, not even sorry though. Thanks for the fake dating thing, my soul peaked with this trope.”

Hyungwon turned his head a bit to direct his voice at his boyfriend.

“Hoseok, can I at least break his nose?”

“No, Hyungwon. And that… that was before Christmas and… _everything_. God. Wait. Kihyun and Minhyuk reported everything Hyungwon and I told them?”

“Gotta say, hyung.” Kihyun had the nerve of shrugging. “When you guys bought that tree together and all the lovey-dovey Christmas thing: best days ever.”

From the other end of the couch, Jooheon waved like crazy at the brown-haired man.

“Hyung! Hyung! No better than when Hoseok thought Hyungwon had left him because he went back to the dorm to get HIS PAJAMAS.”

Facepalming for his life, Hyungwon never felt such second-hand embarrassment before.

“I feel so betrayed. I’m never telling you shit ever again, Yoo Kihyun.”

“Of course you’re going to. You need me, Turtle. you’re a human disaster.”

“Not to be that person…” Here came the maknae again. “But BOY, the plot twist… We quit the GC after Hoseok hyung left back in 2017, for the record. Minhyuk brought us back to it when you went to Thailand together. That’s what getting Gunhee his Daesang, by the way.”

The mentioned rapper leaned a bit in Hoseok’s direction.

“Hoseok hyung, you watched a shit ton of dramas. Don’t tell me you didn’t realize you were actually living one.”

“I…” They were infecting him with their absurdity. “I didn’t?”

“Don’t encourage their insanity, please.”

Putting on an invisible pair of glasses, Gunhee crossed his arms and legs, ready to spill more crap.

“Well, to sum it up: you met Hyungwon in a maintenance room, only saw each other again after a month, became friends, began sharing a bed ‘platonic’ style…” The absolute shit even did the quotation mark with his hands. “And-”

“It was platonic!” Hyungwon defended himself. “In the beginning.”

“It wasn’t, boy. Remember you told me you think you liked him since the beginning, but only realized when you went to his house?”

The amount of disrespect still going on.

“STOP EXPOSING ME, KIHYUN!”

“Aww, that’s cute, baby. Me too. I mean, I realized a bit sooner, but anyways…”

“Let me finish. Back to the ‘previously on Wonseok’. Then you asked him to PRETEND, second best moment of my life, to PRETEND to be your boyfriend…”

His hyung made the raven-haired doubt that he was the most person lucid he ever met by adding his input.

“A genuine gay trope, by the way.”

“Then you actually became his boyfriend- Cutest shit that kiss on the beach by the way.” When did Gun became so extra that Hyungwon never saw it coming? Christ. “You left, came back a year later, Hyungwon’s parents’ died, the gay scandal alongside the Chaebol shit, because of course we need the rich man and not so rich man cliché. Much to our delight, Hyungwon deadass asked you to go to Thailand with him, we loved the cool Thai lesbians by the way. You got drunk and shit hit the fan again, you left Hyungwon’s ass alone because he asked for it, except that time on the street when some prick tried to photograph him.”

Hyungwon was fed up for life.

“All of you are so dead to me.”

“Let me finish! BOOM! AH! Hyungwon discovered the truth and you told him everything. Took me a while to really believe in that Evil Parents plot twist, it was too good to be true. Not literally good, storywise good. Are you understanding the amount of drama material in your love life?”

With his back leaning on Hoseok’s chest again, he felt the man nod.

“Time jump! Months later, all of us were hanging out together again, and enter the polaroids shit. Also, Hyungwon got jealous of Hoseok’s childhood friend because he saw them on the street, being that tsundere we _love_. Casually, I said CASUALLY, Hyungwon asked you to go with you to a goddamn date at the amusement park using said polaroid shit as an excuse, honestly, Hyungwon hyung, this man rode a ferris wheel for you, he’s husband material.”

Predictably, Hyungwon was liable to not be pissed off anymore when Hoseok laughed at that.

“Back to the narrative, you two got chummy again and you helped him when we went out and he hugged you 2 times, but you thought Hyungwon only wanted to be friends after Christmas. We saw you two sleeping together at New Year’s Eve, by the way. Cute as hell. And that’s all we know. Tell us the rest.”

_Did all of this really happened to us? It sounds way more theatrical when Gun said like that._

“You really need to get a life, all of you. I feel so violated.”

“Well… I couldn’t go to his birthday party because of work so I brought the cake to his house at like, 02:00 am. I got icing on his face and we kissed.”

A collective “Aww” after Hoseok’s speech was the most embarrassing thing he heard that night.

“Don’t feed them with information.”

“We were going to tell them anyway.” Hoseok’s goofy smile when the younger lift his chin up made it impossible for latter to protest. “Yeah, we were, but… things happened. We didn’t- It felt wrong to drop this when our friends were struggling. Sorry.”

_Cutest man alive._

“It’s fine, Hoseok.” Hyunwoo guaranteed. “You and Hyungwon helped us a lot, and we want you to be happy.”

If there was an emotional song playing in the background, just like in those TV dramas, it would’ve been interrupted by Kihyun’s annoying ass.

“Wait a damn second. How the hell- I saw the hickeys, and- Hyung, you said you were in Daegu.”

The moment he waited finally came, and now Hyungwon was the one giggling.

“He was. I went there because I was losing my shit after realizing I never apologized to him for being an asshole. We slept there and returned in the morning. You got at my house 15 minutes after I got back.”

His best friend’s face implied that the man was between being offended and relieved.

“And you let me think you were with someone else! Slender man piece of shit, you played with my feelings.”

“I know. It was hilarious in the beginning, not so much today.”

“I was offended you guys thought Hyungwon didn’t like me anymore.”

Gunhee almost fell off the couch to abrupt stand up.

“I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN WONSEOK, HYUNG! DON’T WORRY.”

“Gunhee, the only thing stopping me from killing you is this man behind me, so be grateful to him.”

“Guys…” Calling for their attention, his hyung scratched the back of his head. “Hoseok… you know Minhyuk is gonna be mad as hell that you guys got back together when he’s not here, right?”

“Yeah. I’m already waiting for his call, he _knows_. He just knows.”

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

[11:48 am]

 **wolf pupy** : I’M BACK AND I’M SEEING RED

 

 

“You fucking backstabber. For half a decade, I did my best as your loyal and beloved friend, and yet you took the knife and slaughtered me in cold blood. Me, the best of your best friends, who brightened your days with my beauty and wisdom. Do you even know how much my heart is hurting right now? I never thought you’d betray me like this. Waiting for my absence to have some development in your love life. No! You didn’t tell me, and you could’ve. The wounds in my chest will never fully heal from this, no matter how much you try to make up for your traitorous actions. When I die. Then you’ll realize.”

Well, that was close to how he imagined his best friend was going to react to the matter.

“Are you done?”

Standing on his front door, Minhyuk was incensed from head to toe; even his suitcase seemed to radiate anger. Hoseok wasn’t going to deny it got him off guard, even though he knew that was going to happen sooner than later.

“Am I _done_? If I’m done, hyung? Of course no! After everything I did for you… All, I said ALL of our friends knew first. I was left in the dark, miserably alone in Busan, while all of you celebrated the arrival of happiness without me. Do you hate me now, is that it?”

“Minhyukkie, stop making a scene on the hall and get inside.”

The younger man complied, but almost made a hole on his floor with how hard he stomped towards his living room; the creak made by his luggage crashing violently against carpet was surely heard by the entire building.

“Will you let me explain? I didn’t plan this.”

“THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU WAIT FOR ME TO COME BACK TO TELL EVERYBODY ELSE?”

“For God’s sake, tone it down. I just said I didn’t plan it!”

Minhyuk eagerly scoffed at him.

“You didn’t even go to pick me up on the train station. I was cold and forsaken.”

He was lucky Hoseok was already used to deal with his exaggerated ass.

“You hang up on me after yelling on the phone for 5 minutes, I had to put it on speaker to not lose my hearing. I didn’t know when you were coming.”

About that Minhyuk couldn’t say anything, so he went back to the previous topic. Twirling his body around to give Hoseok his back, the man continued.

“I hope you’re really happy you got Wonnie back, because I’m not gonna forgive you. Forever. Not even in all the other lives I’ll have.”

“If I show you something none of the other guys saw, will you quit throwing this tantrum?”

After a brief silence, his best friend slowly turned around.

“What?”

“Come here.”

Settled in the couch with him, Hoseok pulled his phone out of his jeans’ pocket.

Minhyuk was really going to get him deaf one day.

At the sight of a selfie Hyungwon and him had taken the day before, in front of his boyfriend’s house, his friend lost his shit.

“Are you a dolphin? Stop screeching. Are you happy now?”

In the middle of putting his piercing cry aside, Minhyuk didn’t seem too convinced.

“Do you think you’ll buy my companionship back with a simple picture? Foolish traitor.”

Of course not.

“I have something else for you. Gimme the phone.”

Quickly dialing the number he contacted the most those days, Hoseok was sure that was going to be enough to calm his younger friend down. Now signaling with a finger over his mouth for Minhyuk to stay silent, he put the phone on speaker; it didn’t take too long for the call to be answered.

_“Hey.”_

“Hi, baby. How are you?”

Hoseok had never seen Minhyuk dying so much to hold back a yelp before.

_“I’m tired. Cold. I miss you. And you?”_

“I miss you too.”

 _“Dumbass, I asked how are you.”_ Hyungwon laughed and Hoseok’s heart got lighter than a leaf.

“I’m fine. My day off is being interesting.”

_“What do you mean? You’re not doing something cool without me, are you? Don’t you dare.”_

“No, baby. I’ll tell you later. Did you eat? It’s almost noon.”

 _“I’m going to. Gun and Jooheon are late, can you believe this shit? I wanted you.”_ He could sense Hyungwon pouting through the screen. _“Pretty please, sweetheart, come to save me.”_

Snorting, the older always got red-faced with the pet names. It was something new, and he loved it.

“I can’t right now. But I’ll see you soon, okay? I love you.”

_“I love you too. Wait. Why are you calling me, by the way? I’m so tired I didn’t even realize this sooner.”_

“Baby, pull your phone away from your ear a bit.”

With a thumbs up, he indicated his friend was allowed to make a sound again. Hoseok pitied Minhyuk’s vocal cords, honestly.

_“Holy shit, what was that? A dying animal?”_

Minhyuk practically threw himself in the phone’s direction to reply Hyungwon’s question.

“WONNIE YOU’RE SO CUTE OH MY GOD.”

_“Did he- When- Why are you like this. Hoseok, I can’t believe you used me like this.”_

“You know Minhyuk was going to bother you until the end of times because he wasn’t here that day. You should thank me.”

_“Ugh. Fine. Gun and Jooheonnie are here. I’m hanging up, savages.”_

“Bye, see you later.”

As expected, his best friend collapsed on the sofa hugging his chest, giggling like crazy.

“Is this enough?”

“Oh my God, hyung. That was so cute. You two are so cute, Wonseok is the best couple ever.”

Good thing was that Hoseok wasn’t the one bothered by that term.

“Don’t call us that in front of Hyungwon, by the way. He hates it.”

“Why? It’s endearing. We rooted for this couple.”

“I’m aware of that now. By the way, you snitched my entire life. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?”

“Not really.” The man shrugged, smirking at Hoseok. “Everything done in the name of Wonseok is in the name of love, therefore it’s excusable.”

“You’re lucky I love you, Minhyukkie. How are you doing lately? You’re a few days late.”

Not miscalculating his friend’s capacity to use his whole body to convey what he meant to say, Hoseok watched Minhyuk sliding his body on the sofa.

“I never worked so much in my life, but I like it. I really liked it there, the people are nice. Can’t wait to start working here in Seoul.”

“And… did you talk with Hyunwoo?”

“I came here straight from the station.” He seemed almost flustered. “But I’m going to, later. Like, later as in _tonight_.”

“Do you think you two still…? He missed you badly, we all could see.”

“I missed him too, and Bora… I thought a lot about us in Busan, the beaches there are really reflective. I love him, I’m sure of that, but… will we manage to get back to what we were? I just… don’t know.”

“Maybe you and him will never be able to be how you were before, but that doesn’t mean your relationship won’t be able to work. We all change, especially when life surprises us. Take Hyungwon and I as an example. We spent more than a year apart, stuck between mistakes and concealed feelings. We’re not the same couple we were back in college, but we’re learning how to love each other the way we are now. Talk with him, and I think you’ll know what to do.”

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

[01:46 pm]

 **salty and s*ft** : get your shit together you’re an adult @wolfpupy

 **wolf pupy** : chill im okay now i’ve been in wonseok heaven since i got here

 **wolf pupy** : get fucked yall i heard with my own 2 ears

 **wolf pupy** : wonnie called hoseok “sweetheart”

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK AFTER THAT FUCK YOU MINHYUK

 **wolf pupy** : [in an evil tone] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

 

[01:55 pm]

Min:

_hi_

_yea i’m back i had to guilt trip hoseok first so_

_tell me when you’re free so we_

_you kno_

_can talk and etc btw how are u_

_how is bora?_

[01:58 pm]

Hyunnie ^^:

_I’m free whenever you want_

_I mean, you can come over anytime_

_Are you… staying at Hoseok’s?_

_Bora is fine, took her to the vet again yesterday_

_He said she’s health_

Min:

_I’M GLAD!!!!!! i miss her_

_ill meet you at the apartment tonight then_

_sorry if i interrupted u or smth_

Hyunnie ^^:

_You didn’t, you never do_

_Minhyuk_

_I miss you_

_Please, come. I’ll be home by 7 but you can come early and play with Bora_

_If you want to, of course_

Min:

_yeah yea i’d like that_

_see you later then_

 

“What? I panicked. He said he missed me and I- Ugh, I panicked. I feel like I’m you now. Gosh, I became _you_ , hyung. I hit the rock bottom.”

“Hey!”

One of these days, Hoseok would be treated like the hyung he was to all of his bratty friends (and boyfriend), but apparently it wasn’t going to be that day.

Jokes aside, Minhyuk seemed so distraught by that texting that he barely touched the food their ordered, in the restaurant near his building.

“I’m nervous, hyung. What if I just run away like the first time he asked me out? That was lame.”

“I know. I was there, Hyungwon too. We shared a bed for the first time because of you two, thanks.”

Throwing finger guns at him, Minhyuk slightly perked up.

“And Kihyunnie has the nerve to say he’s the biggest Wonseok supporter, pfff. But back to my issue here. What do I even do?”

“You talk, Minhyuk. Like, with words. I presume you know how talks start since you never shut up in your entire life.”

“But… He said he missed me and I’m already so damn weak…”

“Yah, get your shit together, Lee Minhyuk. You can do it.”

“It’s not realistic.”

 

It looked the same as before — the building, the streets, the hall in which he stood for solid 5 minutes at that point — but it also felt as if it had been stolen. From another Earth, from another era. Minhyuk learned a lot of things during his weeks away, but one of them wasn’t how to balance what his heart wanted with the concerns clouding his mind; the familiarity made him feel at ease and nervous at the same time, which was definitely weird.

What should he say first? _“Hi, how are you doing? My heart ached from being away from you. Any news?”_ No, his brain should have the upper hand, at least for that moment. _“Hey, things going well at work? I heard about the TWICE thing from Hoseok hyung, pretty cool. I’m very excited with my work too and-”_ Fuck, no. That would make him seen uninterested, not his goal. God, why was so hard for him to make up his mind? It was just a talk, he did it a billion times before… Minhyuk knew it wasn’t like all the others, though. This past and his future were colliding in that tiny apartment, generously letting him pick what was going to be made of them, of what they felt for each other.

Lightly slapping his own cheek to gather courage, he put his anxieties aside and typed the passcode on the door’s lock.

The living room and the kitchen’s lights were on, so it was pretty obvious he wasn’t all by himself.

For a second, Minhyuk considered he checked it wrong and he was pretty late already, but his wristwatch seemed to match with the time on his phone.

_It’s 06:23 pm. What the-_

“Minhyuk?”

“Hi- Yea- Hmm, hi. I…”

_Goddamnit, boy, get this marvelous brain of yours to function right._

“Bora is in the couch. Food is almost ready.”

“Oh- Okay.”

Everything was totally fine. He was fine, Hyunwoo, in the kitchen, was fine too. Minhyuk had no reason to struggle to breath, so he forced his legs to move in the direction of his sofa.

“Bora, my baby girl! My favorite girl!” Perhaps he just had missed her a lot, but the cat seemed to be even bigger than before. It warmed his heart when she snuggled into his lap. “I missed you too, my baby. I bought a lot of new toys for you, I’ll bring it next time. How are you doing? I’ve heard you are super health. Well done, girl.”

The meow he received in response made him giggle.

“Me? I’m good too. Busan is so pretty, I gotta take you there someday. You’ll love to take sunbaths near the beach. Would you like that?”

Another meow, sounding quite pleased.

“It’s a deal then. There’s also-”

Minhyuk was aware it wasn’t the first time the older man did something like that — it was kind of his thing, and if it was any other person, he would’ve find it a bit creepy… but it was Hyunwoo, leaning on the wall by in the kitchen’s entry, smiling at his interaction with their cat.

“Hi. Hi, hyung.”

How many time had passed since they last saw each other? A bit more than a month, but the longing in his heart indicated he had been away from Hyunwoo for an excruciating period.

“Food is ready.”

Cooking wasn’t one of Hyunwoo’s best abilities, but his food was always better than anything Minhyuk ever tried to do in life that required more than 2 ingredients. For the first time in… well, forever, they had a meal in almost complete silence.

A bad or good sign? Was he relaxed or bothered by the younger man’s presence there? Minhyuk couldn’t tell. What if all of that led to it being the last dinner they’d ever have together?

“You look well.”

The spoon he was using to eat rice almost fell off his hand when Hyunwoo’s voice cut through his doubts.

“I’m- I’m fine. It was pretty good… my training there. I like… I liked it. You look well too.”

His heart dissolved into a puddle of softness when the man smiled at him; he crinkled his eyes so hard it made him look too fluffy for his own good.

_Jesus, my heart._

“I am. I got a promotion, actually. I’ll be supervising the other choreographers now.”

“REALLY? THAT’S SO-” _Stop being so damn loud, idiot._ “I mean… Err…  That’s really cool. I’m glad for you. The guys didn’t tell me that, though.”

At that rate, with every massive grin Hyunwoo put on his face, the pattern implied that Minhyuk would have just a few days left to live.

“They don’t know yet. I wanted to tell you first.”

“Oh…” _Exactly. Oh. Oh, fucking hell._ “Nice. I’m- You deserve it, hyung. I’m glad.”

“Did you think about it clearly?”

“What?”

It wasn’t like Minhyuk was playing coy, he sincerely didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Before…” Without urgency, Hyunwoo put his chopsticks down before continuing. “You said you needed to think, about… everything.”

“Oh.”

After days away from Seoul, Minhyuk felt like he was going to asphyxiate and die if he kept overthinking about all the possible scenarios for the two of them, and which one should become reality. It wasn’t all in his hands, though, that wasn’t a one-sided relationship. What he wanted, perhaps, could not be the same Hyunwoo wanted; there would be anything left to do if they had different ideas about their future together?

Thinking about having to live without him by his side made Minhyuk feel like a lost child, and maybe that was the major warning sign.

But he survived that entire month in Busan, and those days were the most productive of his entire life; more important, after years of only imagining if what he chose to do would make him happy, Minhyuk finally get the assurance he needed. He never felt lighter before.

The picture of Hyunwoo he kept in his mind, all the time, became a film that repeated the same scene over and over again; the first time he saw him, when he entered the wrong class, and had to play a game on his phone to stop himself from open his mouth and ruin his chances with the gorgeous tanned man he just had found. There was not a single regret in Minhyuk about what they lived together, but perhaps he was seeing just what he chose to.

Minhyuk liked to remember him like that and think how much the man’s life changed because of him, in the good and bad ways. Was he a cool wind in a hot summer afternoon or the terrible heat wave in the middle of the night, keeping him awake?

He was jealous of everyone that knew themselves well enough to have certainties.

“Yeah, I did. I thought about it a lot. About… us. I missed you too. I missed my life here, regardless of doing well there. I don’t think I’d be able to leave this city for too long. I was afraid, a lot. I didn’t- I don’t know what to do.”

Breaking their eye contact, Hyunwoo nodded.

“So… Do you need more time or… just not trying anymore?”

“What about you, hyung?”

Hyunwoo didn’t falter for a second.

“Yeah… I missed you. I love you. I believe in us yet, Minhyuk. What I mean is if- your decision, I’ll respect it, but I won’t give up on you.”

“Isn’t only my decision to make.”

“Yes, but you know my answer, and I don’t know yours. Just… do whatever you feel it’s right.”

Truth is that he could’ve used words to express how he felt at the moment, gazing at the man he had been loving for almost 3 years. His heart still melted to the core, making his torso so cozy and thick that it was impossible not to want to collide with the love in Hyunwoo’s chest.

Words, maybe two sentences, it’d be enough and efficient. However, Minhyuk had never really been good in thinking before acting, and he wasn’t about to change that now.

There was no lie or restlessness when he grabbed Hyunwoo’s face and kissed him like he dreamed in doing it during all that time in Busan; the older’s lips still tasted the same they did when they had their last kiss, before all of that whirlwind, as if he had kept a part of Minhyuk with him. Hyunwoo didn’t take long to kiss him back with the same yearning he had inside him.

His body spelled, without mistakes, all the love letters that Minhyuk wrote for him all that time apart; one step forward and Hyunwoo’s arms embraced his waist, bringing him closer, as if those days in which they didn’t met had never existed. It wasn’t something Minhyuk was very keen to find out, anyway.

Touching Hyunwoo again connected the different ideas that existed in their heads, so softly it was almost a crime to be retain such control in a couple of hands. Perhaps, keeping himself intact in the middle of that merge was the key for things to start working again; Hyunwoo wasn’t his other half, he was another complete soul that chose to join his. While Minhyuk was the rising sun, bright and astronomical, Hyunwoo appeared in his life with all the stars that hung from the sky that his body was. They made it work with just by their will, and everything else bend to it, they had to in order to survive.

Minhyuk was happy that they found each other soon in that lifetime.

“Min.” He didn’t want to stop kissing him, but the older man had something to say, brushing his lips against Minhyuk’s. “Maybe- I- It’s… I was serious when I said I could wait. We can take this slow.”

“Hyung.” A touching concern, but seldom required. He hoped that sitting on the older’s lap, each leg on one side of him, would clarify things. “I’m taking it slow. I just missed you like crazy. This is where you and I begin again.”

 

 

“Do you think they’re okay? Minhyuk isn’t texting me back.”

The cold wood of the platform, in the rooftop, gave him chills when he turned on his side to rest his head on Hoseok’s biceps, chuckling at him.

“They’re probably fucking.”

A lovable frown appeared on Hoseok’s face.

“I shouldn’t underestimate your talent to be so straightforward.”

He snickered at the man again. “That’s the only straight part of me.”

After joining Hyungwon in his laughter, the older man moved away from him a bit to stretch his limbs.

“The weather is so nice tonight, Hyungwonnie.”

That absurdity made him lift half of his body, hugging his legs.

“It’s probably, like, 5ªc. You’re so weird.”

Hoseok grinned, still with eyes shut. “But you love me.”

“Yes. That doesn’t make you less weird, though. By the way… Your birthday is soon. What do you want to do? Please say _me_.”

Craning his head to glance at Hyungwon, the man still had a smile on his face. The bats in his stomach didn’t have a second of rest when he was near Hoseok.

“I have you, nothing else matters. It has been… a while since I celebrated it. I don’t care much.”

_What in the hell is this bullshit?_

“But you loved it back then! At least tell me which gift you want.”

Hoseok dismissed it with a wave. “I told you. I have you, it’s all I want.”

“What a bunch of crap. You must want something, everybody does. Stop being sappy and spill it.”

“Hyungwonnie.” Smirking for not more than a second, he slid closer to Hyungwon on the platform. “Don’t fret. I already have everything I need. And you were the one who asked me to say I’d do _you_.”

“Are _you_?”

The chuckle his boyfriend let out was almost offensive.

“Do you want it that much?”

_Is it even a doubt?_

“Hoseok, my love. It has been 2 years since we last fucked. I don’t have words to express how much I want it.”

“Things are settling now. Soon.”

“Good God, Hoseok. You kill my horny soul. But back to the present.”

Visibly, it took Hoseok a lot of strength to not roll his eyes.

“Buy me some ramen then.”

“Fuck off. I’m still buying you something. It’s gonna be a surprise, just because you decided to be a little shit. Once Minhyuk and Hyunwoo hyung are done getting laid, we’re planning something. It’s on a Friday this year, it’s perfect.”

Everything about the way Hoseok tilted his head gave him an odd feeling, as if he was being examined.

“What?”

At least the older man seemed amused by it.

“You’re really never gonna call me hyung, right?”

“Why? I don’t think I’ve ever used honorifics with you. 19 years of friendship and I didn’t even call that Hamster ‘hyung’ once. I had to kill a spider 10 minutes after meeting him, he doesn’t deserve it.”

“You’re a rude brat. I was just wondering. I think it’d be weird by now, so I’m glad you don’t.”

Using his most exasperating voice tone, Hyungwon gave it a try.

“Should I? Lemme test. Do you want to go out to eat, _hyung_? Hmm? _Hyung_?”

Hyungwon’s face was probably almost purple for holding a chortle. Meanwhile, his boyfriend’s furrowed brows indicated he was being hit by a flood of aversion.

“Holy shit. That’s weird. Sounds weird _and_ wrong. Don’t call me that ever again.”

Indeed. But the teasing was being excellent.

“Don’t you like it, _hyung_? I think it sounds fine, _hyung_.”

The outrage in his eyes made them widen.

“Stop saying that!”

“Why? It turns you on? Want me to call you _hyung_ in bed next time?”

A couple of meters away from him, the man started shouting, but the result was the same.

“YAH, CHAE HYUNGWON! STOP THAT!”

Even the cold was a bit forgotten when he bursted into laughter so hard his eyes totally shut down for a minute.

He would’ve enjoyed it more if not for the unexpected shutter sound of the polaroid camera.

“Hey! Delete that!”

Hoseok threw his head back giggling, already on his feet.

“It’s a polaroid. You can’t delete it.”

Not Hyungwon’s fault that those vintage devices didn’t make a lot of appearances in his life.

“Then destroy it! Set it on fire!”

“Nope. You were laughing, like, a real laugh, and holy shit, I fell in love with you again.”

_Smooth motherfucker._

“Not- No, that’s- Destroy it! I- I’ll give you a selfie later.”

Hyungwon’s hand was already extended to receive that thing when a snub came.

“Nope.”

Obviously, he was obligated to get up to take that shitty picture out of his boyfriend’s hand, but the latter was faster; stretching his arm up as much as he could, Hoseok dodged Hyungwon’s attempts. The rooftop became a playground for a chase.

“Gimme that!”

“No, it’s mine!”

Childishly running inside the apartment, Hoseok’s guffaw became so riotous that Hyungwon couldn’t help but laugh too. The older was right: nothing else but them mattered in that world.

After some time, he didn’t get the picture, but he ended up making out with Hoseok on his floor, so he didn’t quite felt like a loser; nevertheless, his vendetta was on its way.

 

 

 _Hyungwon_ _created a new group chat_

_Hyungwon added Stupid Hamster, weirdest maknae, America’s true love, Joohoney, Minhyukkie, Hyunwoo hyung and Hoseok_

_Hyungwon changed the group’s name to: Hoseok Has a Hyung Kink_

[09:55 pm]

 **weirdest maknae** : OH MY FUCKING GOD LMAOOOOOOOO

 **America’s true love** : I appreciate the manifesto in my nickname but WHAT

 **Joohoney** : what tf is happening did hyungwon himself created a gc just to be petty

[10:11 pm]

 **Hoseok** :

**Hyungwon** : It’s sad you’re not gonna live to turn 27

 **Hoseok** : a death threat? are you flirting with me?

 **Hyungwon** : Choke

 **Hoseok** : I’m not the one into it

 **Hyungwon** : I’M BESIDE YOU DO YOU WANNA DIE

 **Stupid Hamster** : I was gonna ask what the fuck is wrong with you two

 **Stupid Hamster** : but then I had war flashbacks to college times

 **Stupid Hamster** : when Hyungwon and Hoseok accidentally took ecstasy at a party thinking it was candy

 **weirdest maknae** : THAT WAS HILARIOUS REMEMBER HYUNGWON SINGING NEW FACE

 **Stupid Hamster** : HE KNEW THE CHOREO

 **Joohoney** : ICONIC KSJDHFFJLKSJDGHKFJKJLSGSHSJLGJ

 **Hyungwon** : I’ll betray all of you when the opportunity arises

 **Hoseok** : so that’s the origin of a video I have in my cloud……. of Hyungwonnie dancing to Psy……. I don’t remember shit from that night

 **Hyungwon** : DON’T YOU DARE SHIN HOSEOK

 **America’s true love** : hoseok hyung,,,,,, my balenchiaga pal,,,,, do it for the vine

 **Hyungwon** : its fucking dead

 **America’s true love** : always alive in our hearts DON’T HESITATE BITCH

 **Joohoney** : when will u learn WHEN WILL U LEARN that your actions have CONSEQUENCES

 **Stupid Hamster** : what THE FUCK richard

 **weirdest maknae** : THAT’S MY OPINIONNNNNNN

 **Hyungwon** : That’s exactly why I hate you all

 **Hoseok** : Stop it guys

 **Hyungwon** : Thanks

 **Hoseok** : I could’ve dropped my croissant

_Hyungwon left the group chat_

**America’s true love** : sddfSDSFFGJKHGJKHLKHDHFJKSSDFDKJFJHSFKGDSLGHDFJ

 **Hoseok** : I’m cackling I said I LOVE YOU BITCH to Hyungwon and he got out of the bed

 **weirdest maknae** : the behavior you exhibited was ICONIC like

 **weirdest maknae** : the LEGEND jumped out

 **America’s true love** : if you love me let me GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to go through hyungwon's entire vlive (http://www.vlive.tv/video/23887) to make this polaroid HOE LAUGH MORE LIKE THIS I NEED CONTENT
> 
> i realized last week that i never mentioned here my social accs, so you can send your complaints (or tell me to stop watching dramas and go fucking write) in english or portuguese or spanish or latin (i dont know shit of latin anymore but anyways) to @chwkdy on twitter or @cassianandor on tumblr (yes i'm a star wars fan)
> 
> whoever got the loona reference has my heart and (jin)soul
> 
> the song in the chapter is Man in a movie - DAY6, also the source of the title 
> 
> not to be dramatic but hyungwon's visuals in the connect already saved my life cured my depression ended my self loathing  
> anyways, see you next week kids  
> its almost ending........... (there's more of that thing im not good at writing next chapter btw)


	19. Our Story, From Zero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> soft hours: OPEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wassup fellas
> 
> yall must know why im updating so late than usual......... jealousy entered my home and punched me in the face, and i said thanks  
> also. yall must've noticed that im a tvxq fan. and they came back in the same week as MX, it wrecked ya girl but im thrilled  
> anyways its hard to write and stream the mv at the same time (fuck u youtube for taking our views)
> 
> there's...................... smut in the beginning. if u want to skip its fine its just sex (yall wont bc i kno your thirsty asses)  
> im not gonna start the emo hours yet..... even tho im full time emo i'll do it next chapter (last chapter)
> 
> p.s.: hwanung is an important mythological figure in korea's history, especially abt the creation of the first kingdom.
> 
> yall know damn yell where the title of this chapter comes from, a gay anthem  
> enjoy (or not)

Seen through the small window of the kitchen, a coating of pitch black reigned over the planet, but didn’t actually conveyed how much he wanted to burn that world to the ground. No particular reason, Hyungwon just wanted to tackle his problems in the least healthy manner — it was easier and tempting, he was only flesh and blood. What was hidden in the meadows of thoughts he didn’t dare to wander was nothing but the things he should face, pushed to the back of his mind every time it dared to come closer to what Hyungwon liked to call “The Denial Abyss”. It’s not like he wasn’t aware of that error that was going to ruin anyone but him; for sure that time, he was the imprudent tiger that gave up on the task given by Hwanung and didn’t become human, no prayer was of much help.

Hyungwon didn’t want to have to care, or acknowledge his lack of faith.

To whom does someone call upon when they don’t believe in anything? Could someone with no credence stop a cardinal change, more importantly… _should_ they? Perhaps bad things were meant to freely follow their course, just as much as good ones — even though it sucks.

He feels himself slipping through his own fingers, just like a broken sandglass.  The consequences were overthought more times Hyungwon could count, and yet the doubt remained: whose wrath would he face if the choice of disturbing the destiny was made?

His mind was judge, jury and executioner, there was no need for celestial intervention.

No day was harmless when it came from his regrets, reminding Hyungwon that karma is a bigger bitch than him — see his life history for more information — and never failed. Sometimes, when he was around Hoseok and the man began to behave like his usual lovely self, memories of what he did to him hit Hyungwon with a deadly precision before he could stop himself. Those moments were easy to spot; the smile on Hyungwon’s face would gradually fade into a plain expression, rapidly tamed before his boyfriend could notice.

As much as he knew he shouldn’t feed those ideas, a single thought would often cross his reveries: was that how Hoseok felt for more months that a year could obtain? More importantly: how did he overcome it? _Did he ever?_ Hyungwon wanted to know without having to touch the subject.

Something interesting about remorse is that you don’t need a tormentor to feel the obstinate desire to escape your own skin.

An “I love you” slid smoothly between Hoseok’s lips and the older couldn’t tell, but the floor underneath Hyungwon’s feet would turn into a graveyard that dragged him to the underworld; cage of his wrongdoings. Hoseok’s warm touch made him want to scream in self-loathing; how could he be so naively good to Hyungwon? Did he save the country in his past life to have someone like Hoseok?

_Do I deserve?_

“You’re think too loud.”

On his right side, sitting at the kitchen’s table, his boyfriend’s statement almost caused him to jump out of his skin.

“What?”

He would read his face in a millisecond if Hyungwon gazed at him, so he kept his face down — the untouched kimchi was already cold.

“I can hear you thinking from here. Like…” Peeking at him through his peripheral vision, Hyungwon didn’t know how it was possible to be swayed by the same smile over and over again. “You barely touched your food, and it’s-”

“What did you do in France?”

_No! What am I doing?_

As if he was indeed reading his thoughts, Hoseok uttered the same questioning.

“What?”

If analyzed, the perspectives of the situation weren’t much of a big deal, but not even the food in front of him made things better. Pushing the bowl to the center of the table, Hyungwon brought his arms to embrace his legs, body entirely away from the wood floor. He didn’t realize before how tired he was.

“What did you…” Hyungwon sighed heavily enough to bring a building down, still not facing his boyfriend. “How did you… How can you-”

The only image he got was through his bangs; a blurry stern face.

“Hyungwon.”

If he quit, maybe he’d never have the guts to do it again.

“More than a year, Hoseok. You were… alone. So far away. It hurts to think…”

The noiseless second after his sentence was filled with the screeching sound of his chair being pulled towards the older man; where they sat seemed to be one single seat now.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

_Because that’s the only thing I’m 100% sure I deserve._

Not a single word answered that question, so his boyfriend spoke again.

“Hyungwon, look at me.”

Just one shared look and, just like _that_ , Hoseok knew it all.

“Why are you torturing yourself over things that cannot be changed? Is it because what happened in Thailand?”

A short moment after they got back together, Hyungwon started dreaming a lot about those 3 days away from Korea. Once in the illusion, it’s impossible to escape the inquisitions of his actions; how could he be so childish? A spoiled brat covered in expensive clothing, which did a poor job on trying to hide how rotten he could be on the inside. Hyungwon tried to convince himself that the person he incarnated in those moments weren’t his true self; he was aching and troubled by his feelings that concerned Hoseok. How could Hyungwon not see the sorrow in the older’s face every time a spiteful comment left his mouth?

His conclusion, at least for the moment, was that he chose to be sightless.

“Am I-” Some words still resisted to be voiced. “Am I… that person? What will I do if- It scares me. The potential I have to be cruel.”

Hoseok looked at him as if he was about to cry.

“We-” His eyes left Hyungwon for a few seconds, one hand rubbing half of his face as if he was trying to get himself together. “We make choices. I don’t know what I would’ve done in your place. Maybe I could’ve reacted the same.”

An untruth.

“You would never- You wouldn’t. I know that. Even if-”

Hoseok shook his head in disagreement.

“I’m not cut out to be put on a pedestal, Hyungwon. My mistakes are a part of me, but they don’t define me. They don’t define _you_. Despite being driven to each other, we’re different people. I cannot comment about your experiences in the environment you grew up, but… God, I wish I could trade places with you so you could’ve been loved the way you should have.”

The fight was long gone as his sobs took over his entire body; tears kept being tackled by his faltering lungs, drawing the air in too fast amidst of his crying.

Hyungwon still couldn’t wrap his mind around Hoseok’s actions.

Enfolding him into his chest with an arm, the man drew little circles and stars on his back, on his hair, on his temples.

He never felt so unholy before; the younger man’s body pulled away nearly in agony.

“Don’t- Don’t say that.” Hyungwon’s voice was stripped of all vitality, wavering between choked sobs. “You helped me. Since the first time. You still do. You’d be ruined- If you were in my place. I wish I’d have known you sooner, though.”

For the first time, Hyungwon realized Hoseok was crying too; _always_ because of him.

“You… You have no idea how spectacular you are, and it breaks my heart. Hyungwon- God, for all I know you could’ve grown into a despicable person, and yet… You touch everything as if you’re testing the waters, over and over again, looking for a warning sign. You touch _me_ , hold _me_ , as if I’d vanish if your grip isn’t strong enough. As much I wish I could’ve protected you more… you’re resilient. You went through so much, your will is yours to decide. The person here in front of me is who you are. And you’re lovely, Hyungwon. I admire you so much. Let forgiveness happen to you.”

Perhaps that’s how a religious experience felt like.

The more he stared at Hoseok, quiet tears still rolling down his face, the more he didn’t understand, but… Hyungwon believed him. A divine being could descend from the heavens in all their mighty power, bright lights between silk costumes, and yet, Hyungwon wouldn’t give a shit. It probably involves his issues with authority, but his back would never bow to someone who thought they owned him, godly or not.

Hoseok was completely different case.

The man could be grasped and yet come across as being an implausible presence in that wretched world; and Hoseok came to him, of all people. Hoseok kept choosing him, again and again, and Hyungwon wasn’t made to say no to him.

_Thank you._

“I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for religion. I have shuddered at it, I shudder no more.”

His boyfriend frowned at him, befuddled. Didn’t matter.

“What?”

Softly holding Hoseok’s face with both hands, Hyungwon moved closer with a thoughtful smile on his face.

“I could be martyred for my religion — love is my religion. I could die for that. I could die _for you_. My creed is love and you are its only tenet. You have ravished me away by a power I cannot resist, and yet I could resist till I saw _you_ , and even since I have seen you… I have endeavored often ‘to reason against the reasons of my love’. I can do that no more. The pain would be too great. My love is selfish. _I cannot breathe without you_.”

The older man still looked at him perplexed.

“What was… that?”

Hyungwon chuckled quickly.

“John Keats.”

“Do you know this by heart? The poem?”

“Yes. It’s a letter, actually. To his fiancée. He died before they got the chance to get married, though.”

“Okay…” Under the milky light of the kitchen, the contrast between his previous tears and his current laughter was puzzling his boyfriend, who looked at Hyungwon as if had just told one of the secrets of humanity. 

_Cute._

“I meant it.” He did. Similar situations happened to them before, but he was never so sure before. “I could die for you.”

Letting his arms fall back to rest on top of his knees, Hyungwon was struck again by another alluring smirk.

“I believe you. But let’s die after a long time together.” Of course he’d stress that detail. “I don’t know any poem, though.”

“You do.”

Hoseok’s face fell into puzzlement again.

“I do?”

“Mass is not proportional to volume. A _boy_ as small as a violet. A boy who moves like a flower petal is pulling me toward him with more force than his mass.”

His boyfriend’s dovelike eyes widened so fast that his eyebrows made a wrinkle on his forehead.

“Just then, like Newton’s apple…” Hyungwon’s hands reached out for his skin again, and Hoseok leaned into his hand exactly like his cat did. “I rolled toward him without stopping until I fell on him… with a thump. With a thump. My heart keeps bouncing between the sky and the ground…”

The sound of their voices merged briefly, at the same time.

_“It was my first love.”_

His peck on the older’s cheek made the latter gaze at him again; how come someone could have so much affection pouring out of his eyes?

“You watched it!”

Hyungwon’s giggle distracted him from his finger’s tracing Hoseok’s features.

“Not really. I was going to and… But the day I moved in to my first apartment, Minhyuk was going through my books.  I do have that Kim In Yook’s book, I just didn’t know… it was from Goblin. Minhyuk quickly mentioned it was this poem that… You liked it, he got kinda embarrassed. I remembered it last month when I saw a scene on TV.”

“Thank you.” No other pair of eyes were more honest than Hoseok’s. “For remembering me.”

It wasn’t because he didn’t have anything to say, but for the absence of need. A million things could’ve been spoken and all of that would mean the same thing.

_I’m forever yours._

His legs moved unsurprisingly on the way to Hoseok’s lap, moving carefully as if the man was indeed going to break if Hyungwon was too harsh. Under the alert gaze of his boyfriend, whom didn’t even blink, the fondness Hyungwon always felt when in his arms hit him like a tsunami; for a second, his hands trembled with the memories that kept haunting him.

It wasn’t important. A loud gasp escaped the breaches of his mouth, the ones that soon would be stolen by Hoseok’s lips; he hardly noticed the grip on his shirt, yanking him down.

No word in the human knowledge could describe how much Hyungwon wanted to have him.

“Come on.” The younger used all the appealing tone he could muster. “ _Now_.”

However, Hoseok just grinned at him, particularly amused.

“No.”

Those games were art, but every limb of his body was twitching at that closer encounter, one that was quickly broke as his boyfriend got up with him on his arms, but simply put Hyungwon down on the chair he was sitting and walked away.

“Are you fucking kidding me? YAH!”

Hoseok wasn’t in a rush when he made his way to the bedroom. Unhurriedly taking his phone out the pocket of his jeans, the man placed his phone in one of the bedside tables. His boyfriend had his back turned to him when Hyungwon got there.

“I want you, goddamnit. Now. Please.”

Slowly turning around, Hoseok displayed another well-known smile. The dangerous one. The fun one.

“You can be more courteous.”

It was inhumane how turned on and pissed off Hyungwon could be at that moment, but he chose to take a deep breath before strolling to the left side of the bed, where Hoseok sat.

“Aren’t you tired of torturing me? 2 damn years. You can’t be that composed.”

Raising one of his brows, the older man just chuckled.

“I’m fine.”

“I’M NOT!” Whining like a kid wasn’t his best performance. “Come on, now is perfect. Every minute with you is perfect.”

“Cute.”

“I don’t want to be cute. I want to be fucked.”

“Didn’t you say you would fuck me senseless? I don’t see the effort.”

Jesus Christ, Hoseok was too good at that for his own well-being. And Hyungwon’s. The latter knew how to play, but the weariness and yearning were taking over his body.

“I promise I will if you let me ride you.”

“Hmm… No.”

He was giving his best, but Hoseok even had the audacity of cover himself with the comforter. Not an overreaction, but Hyungwon was close to cry for frustration, and for how much horny he was; even more after that, because self-preservation was an unknown concept.

The last resort was trying to attack one of Hoseok’s weaknesses, so he climbed on his boyfriend’s lap and tugged his hair back, raking his teeth along his jawline.

Hoseok was knew better, though. Mainly because he was predictable as hell and the man sensed how every corner of his body worked. That’s why the older flipped him on his back, gripping one of his wrists strongly enough to make Hyungwon remember who he was dealing with, but not enough to hurt him; his thighs slightly brushed against Hyungwon’s and the latter was pretty sure that was just the beginning of that torment.

“You know that’s not how you get things.” Hoseok eyed him up and down and Hyungwon stopped breathing for a second. “If I said no, it’s no. Do you want another year without sex?”

His heart was beating so fast it was a bit hard to speak.

“What the- No, please…” Grinding his hips on Hoseok’s, he felt a bit of joy when he saw his boyfriend hiss over him.

“You can do better.”

Unfairly, Hoseok brushed a finger on his throat, which absolutely made him so hard it was fucking painful.

Once the older man regained his certainty to how to deal with the man under him, his countenance looked similar to the old days in college.

A few noteworthy details about Hyungwon should be clarified for one to understand Hyungwon’s predisposition to deal with power. He liked it. He liked how his boyfriend moaned when his mouth and his hands were doing a nice work on him, he loved to know how much he could affect Hoseok.

However, what Hyungwon loved more than power was exactly the opposite — to be stripped of it. No one weak enough to let him win was worthy of his time or energy, it never worked like that.

Otherwise, where was the exhilaration of it?

Above all, he loved the way his boyfriend switched expressions within a second; his easygoing daily version, seen by everybody, evaporated to give place to one that turned Hyungwon on just by imagining it, so you can imagine how he felt having to be under that deadly gaze. Hoseok was really going to be the death of him.

“I’ll do whatever you want, please. Pretty please. I’ll be good.”

His blood started boiling ever more when he felt the urge to wipe that overweening smirk off of Hoseok’s face. It became worse when his voice sounded way too satisfied.

“That’s better. You’re so pretty when you beg.”

A light chortle escaped his mouth when he felt arms embracing his torso, pushing his body up in bed until his head laid on the pillow. Not a single part of Hyungwon was ashamed of his needy grunt.

Hoseok’s lips crashed against his with a veneration that was spilled out of his body and engulfed everything around them; he was giving Hyungwon his all, even things the younger man didn’t know it was possible to have. Once Hyungwon got a chance to slip his tongue in his boyfriend’s mouth, Hoseok was busy enough moaning to not see him thrusting his hips against his.

Patience wasn’t his forte.

Hyungwon wasn’t able to enjoy it for more than a second until the older man’s hand hastily pulled his waist down — he knew it all.

“Don’t.” His hold on his left wrist was firm enough again. “ _Behave_ , before I change my mind. We have time. Understood?”

The raven-haired nodded with a request shortly after.

“Remember what I told you-” Hoseok’s hands traveled up and down his chest, calmly pulling Hyungwon’s sweater off. “Fuck. Listen. I’ll forget later. You… You’re-” The man still seemed unbothered by his words. “It was… my first love. You- You were my first love.”

Leisurely lifting himself a bit to stare at Hyungwon, his boyfriend beamed at him as if he wasn’t dragging his teeth across his collarbones a second ago.

“I’m honored. Wait a sec.”

The unraveling of their bodies made him feel cold, even though his skin gave the impression he was about to self-combust with lust.

During the small amount of time Hoseok was away, it finally hit him that it was it. He would’ve cried of happiness if he wasn’t too eager to fuck in first place. Crawling back to him in bed, his boyfriend dumped a bottle of lube and condoms beside them and firmly pointed at his sweater.

“Take it off.”

Hoseok had that very, _very_ audacious mien that made the younger man groan profusely.

The garment had already been half removed by his boyfriend, it wasn’t a lot of work; however, as his arms were already naked and only the sweater’s collar needed to go, a damp tongue lazily made its way up his chest, stopping by his nipples to swirl it around them. Hyungwon took the attire off of him as if it was on fire.

No one could blame the younger man for helplessly screaming, for every molecule of his body had been nearly electrocuted by that.

“Holy fuck.”

“Baby…” Steady fingers moved carelessly on his ribs, still savoring how Hyungwon tasted like. Hoseok’s gasping against his torso fueled the fire inside him even more. “You’re so good. But gotta say, you don’t taste the same.”

Hyungwon tilted his head a bit to face Hoseok and his inquiring gaze.

“Only realized that now? I changed colognes when I graduated. It’s cherry blossom.”

Shifting a bit on top of him, Hoseok’s hands found a path to slowly scratch his inner thighs and Hyungwon had to clutch on the bed sheets to not lose his shit. Which was a waste of time, for not even half minute later the older pulled him back to his lap.

“I liked the pomegranate one. But this-” The younger’s sudden yelp when he briefly bit his stomach up seemed to have pleased Hoseok. “You’re the ultimate cherry blossom. My sakura season.”

He cackled at his boyfriend.

“We should go see them in Japan.”

“As you wish, my prince. But first-”

Hoseok’s speech was nice and all, but he needed to be fucked more than anything, so he tugged on the older man’s hair and tossed him on his back in the mattress.

“You’re so fucking slow.”

It was well-known by both of them that hair-pulling was one of his boyfriend’s weaknesses, but at that moment, only menace could be seen in the older man’s eyes when his grunt came to an end.

“Okay, then I’ll stop.”

Hoseok’s goal was to get Hyungwon off of him, moving to sit in bed, but the latter gripped his neck and waist so hard that his pale skin was momentarily marked by Hyungwon’s fingers.

“No, no! Sorry, sorry, Hoseooooook.”

His favorite part of it all was to pretend that he cared about his childish cry to get something out of his boyfriend. More like get something in, though.

“The more you fight, the more I’ll keep teasing you. Suit yourself with your hand.”

Hoseok pushed him off of him harder that time, but Hyungwon still didn’t give in.

“Seriously, I hate you sometimes.”

“And yet, you want me to fuck you.”

“Out of hate. I want to fuck so bad it hurts me. You hear me? You’re hurting me.”

Bending his body a few centimeters, hands resting on Hyungwon’s thighs, Hoseok’s laughter bounced between the older’s body and his, virtually one vessel.

“Be nice, Hyungwon.”

He tried. Kind of.

“Can you please take off this damn shirt?”

Raising an eyebrow at him, Hoseok was unimpressed.

“I said _nice_.”

“Can you do me a favor and get rid of this shirt you’re wearing?”

Deliberately, and without breaking eye contact with him, Hoseok unbuttoned his shirt much for the younger’s happiness.

“Fuck. Now it’s great. I won’t complain anymore.”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

“My pants are on fire because I’m horny.”

A sudden movement of his boyfriend’s hand, landing on his neck, made him ever harder, and Hyungwon didn’t know how the hell that was possible. His voice was as low as a whisper.

“You better live up to your promise, Hyungwon.”

Getting him off of his lap, Hoseok proceeded to yank his boyfriend’s pants and his own.

With only one hand, the older pushed him back into his lap and kissed him, fingers tracing the waistband of Hyungwon’s underwear.

That man had too much restraint for his own good, because anyone else would been already fucking him into that bed.

“Lie down.”

Hyungwon complied, while Hoseok crossed to the other side of the bed to get a bottle of lube and the condoms he got from the second drawer of the bedside table.

Once on top of him again, he grinned at the younger with so much desire that it made Hyungwon feel as if he was untouchable by anyone else — anything else.

“Good boy. You look more handsome from this angle.”

Hyungwon’s giggle made his entire body quiver at that statement.

“Classic.”

That time, Hoseok was fast in kissing down his chest and moved to brush his lips against the waistband of his underwear. However, instead of taking it off, he went lower and started sucking on his inner thighs.

The best part of having sex with Hoseok was that the man already knew all his sensitives spots; he had mapped Hyungwon’s body so many times that he could do it with his eyes closed. The worst part of having sex with him was also for the same reason. Goddamn tease.

One of his boyfriend’s hands crawled up his skin again to keep his waist stable on bed, which was virtually impossible with Hoseok’s mouth decorating his thighs with purplish spots, all over it.

“Oh my… Please just-”

Hyungwon felt the man on top of him moving up a bit even with his eyes shut, but as soon as he opened them, all he could see was Hoseok, as if the rest of the room had disappeared at the sight of that dazzling grin on the older’s face.

“You have to tell me if I hurt you.”

Hyungwon fervently nodded, but it wasn’t like he gave a shit about that. He’d do everything to get what he wanted, even if it meant to be subjugated.

It was unclear how rapid Hoseok was in throwing Hyungwon’s underwear away, mainly because he couldn’t feel anything when the man had his body spilled all over his; a guttural shriek echoed through those 4 walls when the older man finally — _freaking finally_ — secured a grip on his dick, already leaking pre-cum.

“Hoseok…”

Hyungwon’s body violently jerked with the feeling of something cold circle the area around his hole; he barely had time to take a deep breath when his body jolted forward again when Hoseok’s finger smoothly sunk inside him.

In all conscience, he would’ve screamed more if he hadn’t choked on it with the unexpected action.

“Talk to me, baby.”

Strange wasn’t quite the word to define how Hyungwon felt by being fingered by someone that wasn’t him. It was like experiencing that sensation for the first time, but being sure that he was safe for he knew the results of that; Hyungwon trusted with his life the man that leaned to kiss his neck. Almost a minute later, the younger caressed his boyfriend’s back.

“Go on.”

Nothing couldn’t be done about his panting as Hoseok’s finger worked in and out, gradually fastening its pace; his boyfriend’s mouth still kissed his collarbones, trying to distract him from the discomfort. As soon as Hoseok noticed his body thrusting back against his finger, he added another — the groan that didn’t emerged before made his throat ache a bit.

“Breathe, baby.”

He would’ve cursed at that idiot if the man hadn’t chosen the following second to start stretching him out, making scissoring movements while alternated the speed.

Hyungwon was already deprived of his ability to speak or to move if not only to rake his nails on Hoseok’s back so roughly he was sure it’d leave marks.

_Good._

About to lose the last drop of control he had, Hyungwon encouraged his boyfriend by pressing himself against him even more, so the man inserted a third finger.

Hoseok’s tongue found its way back into his mouth and trapped the younger’s harsh gasp between their lips; sure, it had been a long, painful and long time since they had sex like that, so maybe that was the reason he didn’t wait to encircle one of his legs around his boyfriend to get more of his fingers that were doing such a great job. He was determined to overcome the inconvenience and jump into the pleasure part, and no one was going to stop him.

His self-awareness warned him he wasn’t going to last long if they kept doing it like that.

“Hoseok.” His gaze went back to the younger, and Hoseok’s face and hair looked like a mess; Hyungwon loved it. “Lemme sit on you. I’m… Please.”

A little disappointment was inevitable as soon as the older pulled his fingers out of him and, for a moment, Hyungwon thought he was going to be tortured again, but a quick peek at Hoseok was enough to see him pulling his own underwear off, promptly heading back to bring him to sit on his legs.

“Hyungwonnie.” His hand fondly moved to push Hyungwon’s sticky bangs off of his forehead. “I love you so damn much.”

What made him snort wasn’t the proclamation; he just had realized how damn happy he was, always and only with Hoseok.

“I _cannot_ breathe without you. Quite literally right now.”

Nothing was more precious than his boyfriend’s boisterous laugh resounding through Hyungwon’s chest when the latter close the distance between them, fumbling the forgotten side of the bed for a condom and the lube. It was very satisfying so see that Hoseok was just as hard as him.

Everything he wanted was given back to him, and Hyungwon could truly grasp it in the way they wordlessly stared at each other; only a single look had always been required for a clear understanding of their thoughts.

Cautiously pinching the tip of the rubber as he opened the condom, Hyungwon looked up at his boyfriend again, for approval.

“Do it.”

Hoseok quivered under him as he rolled the condom all the way down his shaft, much for his delight. He couldn’t resist but to bite the man’s shoulder to increase that pleasure.

“You’re so perfect, my love.” He could see that his boyfriend was struggling to keep his eyes open with his touch, even more when he applied a good amount of lube on his cock. “Perfect, beautiful… made for me.”

The raven-haired man was already propping himself up on his knees to get his boyfriend inside him when he felt a squeeze on his arm.

“Take it slow.” Hoseok was never more serious that entire night. “If you rush it I’ll stop.”

Hyungwon answered with a peck on the older’s forehead.

A lot of times before, Hoseok commented that he was the most active person in sex that he had ever been with, and Hyungwon just didn’t understand how the hell someone could be amused to be inert as they were being fucked. Hoseok also mentioned that that was his favorite trait about him in bed.

Letting his head fall on the headboard, the older placed his hands on Hyungwon’s hips, kind of ready to call a halt if he decided to be a little shit. It was astonishing how Hoseok shivered when he wrapped his fingers around his dick, cursing too much for Hyungwon to keep up with his boyfriend’s words.

Anyone could see that the man was using his entire self-control to not toss Hyungwon on his back again and fuck him until that bed broke; he appreciated it, because it wouldn’t be the same pleasure as he had planned to give them both. Hoseok’s eyes followed his movements like a hawk, gasping every time Hyungwon had to close his eyes to let his boyfriend’s cock penetrate him more — which was always a troubled and satisfying sensation. Once he had taken almost everything inside his hole, Hyungwon opened his eyes to find Hoseok gazing at him as if it was the first time he was seeing him in a long time.

The emotions inside his chest were blending together too fast for him to discern, so he chose to focus on brushing his lips against Hoseok’s, waiting for his body to get a bit more used to that experience.

“Good boy.” His boyfriend whispered in his mouth. “Shit… So tight… You were made for me.”

A bit more than a minute of only listening to their breath, Hyungwon licked on his dry lips to speak again.

“I’m okay.” He muttered. “Can I?”

The response he got would seem very untraditional to anyone else, but it was Hyungwon’s favorite; a sharp, uproarious moan, when Hoseok’s hands clutched his waist and began pushing in and out of him, only went half way out of his throat before he choked on it.

“Holy fuck.” His nails raked Hoseok’s back again, now helping the man by jerking himself up and down. “Fuck… yeah. Yeah.”

“Hyungwon…” The man hissed so perfectly that the younger wanted to be fucked like that forever.

“Can I… fulfill my promise?”

Slightly shifting to have eye contact with him again, Hoseok smugly raised an eyebrow.

“You better.”

In the middle of a messy growl, the younger man giggled.

Truth is that Hyungwon was indeed using all the self-control he had to not cum in that exact moment, for his reputation was at stake; his pride too, so of course he was going to do the unthinkable to give Hoseok the best orgasm of his life.

Tugging his boyfriend’s hair with one hand and pulling his arms off of his hips with the other, Hyungwon pounded as fast he could on his shaft, trying to be stronger than the wave of pleasure hitting him at every movement.

Not an easy task.

His head purposefully twirled with his mouth agape, very aware of Hoseok’s eyes on him; that had always been a show and Hyungwon was eager to entertain. That also helped him to focus on his goals once his rapid moves with Hoseok’s cock in and out of him started to become automatic.

In those voiceless minutes, only the sound of their skins crashing against each other occupied the bedroom; Hoseok and him were too much lost in the sex to pay attention to anything else, anyways. One look at the man and Hyungwon immediately knew he was close, so he speeded his moments, pushing his body strength way further than he thought he could ever go.

“Hyungwon… Hyungwonnie… Fuck, I’m-”

Arms around Hoseok’s neck again, the younger closed the small distance before them as his lips slid up and down his boyfriend’s flawless face.

“Did you miss me?”

Squeezing Hyungwon’s butt in a manner that he was sure it’d leave a mark, Hoseok hummed.

“You don’t seem almost unconscious.”

The older man snorted.

“Maybe you’re not that good.”

Yes. Hoseok had the audacity of questioning his skills in bed. That earned him a yank on his hair that had his boyfriend whimpering until stifling on his breath.

“You _know_ I am.”

His pride had him yanking Hoseok’s hair again only to slide his tongue on his neck, which was always followed by a bite — Hyungwon was ruthless, and that served that man right.

However, he had to fight to regain control of his body when Hoseok started to stroke his cock; didn’t help at all, but Hyungwon chose to win over him no matter what, tugging the older’s hair back until his head hit the headboard.

“You’re going to kill me like this.”

Hyungwon sneezed.

“It’s cushioned.”

“Brat.”

“Sweetheart.”

His thrusts kept a vigorous pace once Hoseok’s arms left his waist to secure a hold on the sheets below them; he loved how the older man shouted his name while howling loud and clear, the most beautiful of the songs to Hyungwon’s ears.

“I’m really- Fuck. Baby, come with me. _Now_.”

It didn’t sound like something he could refuse, anyway.

That allowed his muscles to go limp a bit more, pulling one hand off of Hoseok to stroke his dick in the process.

Whenever he thought about them having sex again, during a bit more than a month since they got together again, Hyungwon had only one important wish, one he didn’t allow himself to forget — to look at his boyfriend as they cummed, together, just because Hoseok reached the peak of his beauty when he desperately moaned his name and was rougher than never; hands gripping his skin with such strength that Hyungwon would end up with pinkish marks all over it, just like he liked. Just right his type.

Hoseok’s name slipped through his lips like a supplication, just as much his boyfriend’s noisy groan blended with the calls for Hyungwon.

Undoubtedly, he couldn’t be more sure he did something incredible in his past life to be able to be with someone like Hoseok in all those instants, specifically that one in bed — only wonderful because it was with him, always.

A hell of a good orgasm, if you asked Hyungwon.

The rest of the strength of his body was used to ride them both throughout their wave of pleasure, and yet Hoseok was the first to collapse against him before Hyungwon had the chance to do it.

“I… Words… Don’t…”

There was barely energy left to chuckle, but the raven-haired did it anyway. He it wanted to frame that moment and live on it for the rest of the eternity; limbs entwined with the ones of the man he loved, receiving so much warmth from him that could make him actually combust if he wasn’t used to it by now.

“My legs are dead.” Hyungwon affirmed to the man resting his head on a pillow. “Gosh.”

“You did it.” Hoseok declared with a throaty voice. “I really can’t feel anything.”

“I did most of the work! Seriously.” He softly pat on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “You have to move me. There’s cum all over your stomach, by the way.”

“So what?”

“I can’t move! Please? Pretty please, my love?”

Abruptly opening one eye to glance at the younger man, Hoseok leisurely stretched his arms to embrace Hyungwon’s waist and put the latter on his back, gently pulling out of him; when his boyfriend took the condom off right after, Hyungwon saw him struggling to make a knot in the rubber, so he took off of his hands and did it himself, slowly putting it on the garbage can near the bed.

“Hoseok.”

“Hmm?”

“Get off. You’re getting my own cum on me.”

Hoseok lifted his head a bit to squint at him.

“Don’t care. We… We really need to stop this. I mean… Crying then fucking, it’s more exhausting than just sex.”

He couldn’t contain a tiny cackle, still trying to calm his breathing.

“It’s foreplay.”

“Shut up. How are you feeling?”

“Well fucked.”

Hoseok snorted at that on his neck, ticking his stomach.

“Stop, I’m serious. You were really… don’t need to be that eager.”

“I know you like it rough too.”

“Well…” As a most effective response, Hyungwon felt the man shrugging on top of him. “My back looks like a crime scene, I’m sure. By the way…” The older propped himself up on his elbows. “Are you a vampire? Your canines almost ripped my skin off.”

It was his turn to shrug.

“You’re tasty. And I want a shower. But I can’t move. Hoseoook…”

“Don’t whine. I’m tired too.”

A predictable answer, so Hyungwon used his last card on him.

He pouted like a child.

“Hoseooooook…”

“Fucking hell.” He yelped a bit when the older pulled them up to sit in bed, sluggishly standing up with Hyungwon’s legs wrapped around his hips. “You’re lucky I love you.”

“I am.”

 

[12:08 am]

Stupid Turtle:

_:D_

Stupid Hamster:

_I’M SCREAMING_

_CONGRATS ON THE SEX_

 

 

“I think I’m going to go back to the therapist.”

It was nearly 08:00 am according to the kitchen’s clock, and the sun rose at full force behind Hyungwon — who deliberately sat in that spot to avoid sunlight on his face. Despite still chewing on his food, his boyfriend could hardly keep one eye open; it was kind of expected for all the work he put on sex the night before.

Oddly, Hoseok could only perceive distress in his face.

“That’s… nice?”

Not what Hyungwon wished to hear, by the way he crinkled his nose so hard it made his round specs slide down on it a bit.

“I want assurance that it’s a good idea.”

A snicker got stuck on the older man’s throat while he sipped on his coffee.

“I told you before.” Hoseok had to squint a bit at Hyungwon because of all the clarity. “If you think you need it, don’t hesitate. Deep down you know if it’s the right choice.”

“Gosh…” The man groaned, resting his head on the table. “Can’t you just tell me ‘Yeah, Hyungwon, you should go’? It’s easier.”

“That’s not how it works. You don’t need me enabling you.”

In a quick movement, Hyungwon raised his head to huff at him.

“I do! That’s one of your duties as my boyfriend. I’ve been making too many decisions lately, I’m fed up.”

Quite challenging to get the man to understand his point.

“Why do you want to go back?”

“Because…” Hyungwon averted his eyes, as if he was thinking hard on what to affirm. “Of yesterday. And all the times before that. I need to be… more _stable_. I don’t want you to have to deal with my breakdowns all the time.”

 _Oh_.

Hoseok’s heart ached as if someone had stepped on it.

“Hyungwon.”

Still determined in not looking at him, his boyfriend mapped the entire room with his eyes; he didn’t flinch when Hoseok reached out to hold his hand, though, on the other side of the table.

“You’re not a burden to me. I knew about your issues since day 1, and never once it bothered me. I just worry about you because I love you. Don’t apologize, please. If you’re gonna do this, do it for yourself. I’ll be here for you.”

Hyungwon craned his head to stare at him at a slow pace, trying to argue back. His silence was heartbreaking, but no more than when he spoke again.

“I never did anything for you, Hoseok. It’s always the other way around. What kind of- I feel useless, as if I have nothing to offer. All because I’m like _this_.”

What Hoseok just heard was so off beam that it made him want to scream. A deep breath was needed after that.

“What are you talking about? You never did anything for me? Hyungwon, you are my sun. You light up my life even when the days become somber. I remember you exist and my problems lose importance. You care so deeply that you went to another city in the middle of the night because you wanted to make sure I was okay. You made a lot of progress, accept that. Don’t say these things ever again.”

Their fingers interlacing on the table soothed Hoseok’s chest a bit more. Granting a quick peck on the latter’s hand, Hyungwon’s voice sounded calmer when he looked up at his boyfriend.

“Are you sure?”

“100%. 500%. 1000%.”

A frantic nod conveyed the younger’s answer.

“I believe you. I still want to do more for you, though.”

“You could smile.”

It was amazingly cute how the man was embarrassed by his blushing, covering his face with his forearm. He ended smiling, though.

“You’re so lame.”

He chortled at his boyfriend’s obviousness, pulling his hand in his direction.

“Come here.”

Ambling carefree to sit on his lap, Hyungwon buried his face on Hoseok’s shoulder. The latter didn’t wait to embrace him.

“I meant what I said yesterday.” A muffled voice emerged. “About… you. My first love. People say it never works out, but the joke is on them now.”

The impression Hyungwon left on him was that he always said important things amidst a joke, which always had been his mechanism to deal with stuff; Hoseok was pleased anyway.

“I’ll make sure I’m your last love too.”

“Fool.”

“Only for you.”

They barely had time to laugh when a shrill meow scared the shit out of them; Hyungwon would’ve flew off of his lap if Hoseok hadn’t a strong grip on him.

His cat wasn’t the most tolerant animal in the world.

“Jesus Christ.” Hoseok put a hand on his chest to check if he was still alive, craning his head down towards the animal. “Bong Cha, what the hell.”

An ever louder meow was given at him.

“She’s saying her food bowl is empty.”

Another peculiarity was that, apparently, his boyfriend really understood what his cat was trying to communicate. Days before, Hoseok got home and found the two of them lying on the couch; Bong Cha purred frantically at Hyungwon while the latter seriously replied to the cat’s concerns.

“How do you know that? Are you a cat?”

The younger raised an eyebrow at him.

“No, I’m the sakura season. She has different mews, you gotta pay attention. Let go of me, I’ll feed her.”

“Nooooo.” He rightfully whined. It was never enough. “Bong Cha, go away, he’s my sakura.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” A light slap hit Hoseok’s neck. “You have to work in half hour. Also… can you come with me in my next appointment?”

“I’ll go with you wherever you want.”

 

 

_a gC that aint abt wonseok_

[10:16 am]

 **salty and s*ft** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **wolf pupy** : LMAO I KNEW IT

 **wolf pupy** : hoseok told me to fuck off bc wonnie was coming over

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : DOING A CONGRATULATORY DAB

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : A BIG WIN FOR THE OTP

 **salty and s*ft** : lets take advantage of hyungwon’s good mood and drag him to the bar

 **prodigy better than DOTS writer** : its wednesday

 **salty and s*ft** : time isn’t real you weakass bitch

 

 

_Hoseok Has a Hyung Kink_

[10:22 am]

_Stupid Hamster added Stupid Turtle_

**Stupid Hamster** : lets drink later @ yall

 **Stupid Turtle** : What the fuck. It’s Wednesday

 **Stupid Hamster** : why yall keep telling me what day is it idgaf

 **America’s true love** : where my bias in the wonseok couple at

 **Joohoney** : mine is hyungwon i love tsunderes

 **Stupid Hamster** : can’t relate i’m a hoseok stan first and a person second

 **Stupid Turtle** : 19 YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP TO BE STABBED IN THE BACK LIKE THIS

 **Minhyukkie** : lmao

 **Minhyukkie** : but where hyung at

 **Stupid Turtle** : working, like y’all should be doing

[10:31 am]

 **America’s true love** : btw really quick @StupidTurtle

 **America’s true love** : who said “ily” first, you or hoseok?

 **Stupid Turtle** : I won’t talk about intimacy

 **Hoseok** : Him, on Christmas eve

 **Stupid Turtle** : STOP THAT

 **Joohoney** : kyun left the room celebrating by doing a naruto run

 **America’s true love** : I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BETRAYED ME LIKE THIS @HOSEOK

 **America’s true love** : YOU’RE THE SAPPIEST MAN ALIVE WHAT THE FUCK

 **Hoseok** : ???

 **Joohoney** : you had 1 job, @Hoseok

 **Stupid Hamster** : HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA I’LL COLLECT THE MONEY LATER LOSERS

 **Stupid Turtle** : I… I can’t believe you all made a bet on this

 **Minhyukkie** : ………………………………top 10 anime betrayals right here

 **Stupid Hamster** : i know this beanpole better than i know myself don’t fucking doubt me again

 

 

“Seriously now. You all need to get off my dick. A bet? Above all, I can’t believe you actually vouched for me, Hamster.”

Beside him, his best friend chortled so hard he spilled a bit of his beer on his hand. The boys decided to transfer the happy hour to Friday, which was the day most of them had less work to do — meaning that they’d leave things to solve on Monday like the responsible adults they were.

“We did it ages ago. And you’re a very unsurprising person.” Kihyun phrased, nonchalantly. “I can read you like a magazine since I was 8 years old.”  

Gunhee basically blurted out his words out of curiosity, staring at Hyungwon’s best friend.

“How he was when he was a kid, hyung?”

“Had an awful haircut, but the same idiot he is today. Just taller, and by some miracle, he’s dating someone.”

From the other side of the table, Hyunwoo put a hand over his mouth to hide his snort. The lack of respect knows no limits.

“You’re really close to lose your hyung title. Watch out.”

Which just made the older man laugh harder.

“Leave him alone, Wonnie.” Minhyuk pledged for his boyfriend, beside the latter. “You’re just bitter because Hoseok isn’t here yet.”

Kind of.

There was no way Hyungwon could deny that he hadn’t gotten too used to see his boyfriend almost every day; 48 hours away from Hoseok already made him feel absurdly needy.

He truly had become the type of person he hated.

An eye roll was all the replied Minhyuk with.

“Whatever. Did you move back to your apartment?”

“Yeah.” It was blindingly bright how the man beamed at that. “And I know you wanted privacy and… yeah.”

“Well, Minhyukkie… It’s nice to not wake up with someone taking a picture of Hoseok and I sleeping.”

With his head on Kihyun’s shoulder, the maknae giggled, probably very aware of that event. Changkyun’s boyfriend reached out for his phone on the table and almost hollered.

“You’ll never guess who’s coming here, Turtle.” The man playfully pointed a finger at him. “You’ll kinda like it.”

“That sloth that used to be your roommate?”

“How the f-”

Hyungwon wasn’t psychic, though. He just got a text from a dongsaeng the night before.

Almost in sync with their chat, he saw two figures approaching their table and immediately sprinted towards them. One of them, in reality.

“Jiminie!”

For someone that didn’t like to make scenes, Hyungwon was getting quite good in getting people’s attention in public spaces. He was just really happy to see his dongsaeng, one of his favorites.

“Yah, Hyungwon.” The black-haired man that accompanied Jimin tapped on his back. “Only him gets a hug?”

“Yes. Because I like Jiminie.”

“How have you been, hyung?” Jimin questioned, moving closer to his boyfriend. “Kihyun hyung talks a lot about you and Hoseok hyung these days.”

The fiery glare he threw at his best friend could have set Kihyun on fire.

“He has no life, don’t mind him. What about you? I’m surprised you’re still attached to this sloth.”

Yoongi felt a bit embarrassed when Jimin bent his back a bit to laugh, but it was momentary. Just until he spat an offense back.

“I could ask him the same.”

Signalizing with his head towards the entrance of the bar, Hyungwon turned around to see Hoseok walking in their direction.

“Hey guys. Oh, hey Jimin. Yoongi. How you guys doing?”

“We’re fine, hyung.” His adorable dongsaeng answered, smiling so widely that his eyes became a straight line.

“Gimme my friends back, idiots.” Kihyun appealed, pushing Yoongi and Jimin to sit near him, where Hyungwon previously sat.

Rapidly holding his hand to guide Hyungwon and him to the free spots next to Gunhee, Hoseok gently squeezed it and gave him the sweetest smile in the world.

_Oh no, my heart._

“Jiminie, how is Hoseok hyung these days?” Hyungwon tried to change the subject to calm down his heartbeat. “It has been ages since I last saw him.”

Gunhee frowned at him first.

“Since when do you use honorifics with Hoseok hyung?”

“It’s not _him_ , idiot.” He gestured towards his boyfriend beside him. “It’s another Hoseok, from Gwangju. He won that dance competition last year, right?”

“Yeah.” Jimin nodded. “He’s in Japan for a while teaching kids.”

“Sorry, I just noticed now.” _His_ Hoseok pointed out. “Where is Jooheonnie?”

Hyungwon also didn’t notice that detail before, looking around the table to see if the boy was somewhere.

“He’s sleeping, at home.” Jooheon’s boyfriend responded, chewing on some fries. “He pulled an all-nighter yesterday. Before you guys swear at me, I must say that he was the one who kicked me out saying I wouldn’t let him sleep in peace.”

Of course Changkyun had to contribute with his bullshit.

“Is this a sexual innuendo?”

“Please, Gun.” Yoongi appealed almost serious, wrapping an arm around Jimin’s waist. “Don’t respond to infants.”

That comeback actually made Hyungwon sneeze, at least. His maknae looked quite offended.

“Jimin is younger than me!”

“Yes.” Hoseok’s boyfriend agreed, rubbing his face with his hand. “But we like Jiminie more.”

“Is this a bullying against tops?” Minhyuk inquired, making Hyunwoo choke on his soda. “Because you know, the joke is…”

Hyungwon himself didn’t think that was a complete surprise by coming out of his friend’s mouth, but the most amusing detail was how everybody on the table just froze at that statement.

“Lee Minhyuk.” It became way funnier when Kihyun hissed at Hyunwoo’s boyfriend with a clenched jaw. “We’re in _public_. Mind yourself.”

“What?” His friend retorted, shrugging. “I’m not yelling or anything. And you know I’m right.”

His best friend furrowed his brows, genuinely lost in that argument.

“About what?”

It was dumbfounding how Minhyuk didn’t let it discourage him about his tomfooleries.

“There’s no tops in the 93 line.”

It’d be a crime to waste that opportunity, so Hyungwon went all the way.

“Hoseok can’t relate.”

A beautiful chain reaction was set off on that table; Passing by Hoseok, Yoongi and Kihyun, the wave of mortification was surely a marvelous natural event to witness.

His boyfriend spat out, for real, the beer he was drinking at that moment, just like people do in the dramas, scolding him with a shocked glare.

“Hyungwon!”

Not a single thing in the world could prevent him to burst into laughter, while their friends watched a mortified Hoseok cover the redness in his face with his hands.

“I’m really surprised.” Changkyun announced, breaking the silence. “We all put our money on Hyungwon.”

All the raven-haired could do was snorting again, even though he didn’t need to be aware of how much those assholes talked about his love life. A few minutes later, all the other were engaged in a chat about some musician when Hoseok threw a glance at him again.

“God, Hyungwon… And you complain about them knowing too much about us.”

Clutching his boyfriends arm with both hands, the younger responded with a confident smile.

“It was fun. You like when I’m happy, right? That made me really happy to watch.”

Hoseok diverted his eyes up a bit, thinking of a counterargument, but looked like he hadn’t found any; his last remark couldn’t find the defeated tone on it.

“Honestly. You’re lucky I love you.”

 

 

More or less, he was aware of what could happen that day, mainly because birthday occasions were simple to foresee. Hoseok was essentially on cloud 9 about the current course of his life, despite a few problems along the day — his job could be more tiring than the usual, especially when dealing with reluctant patients, and trying to balance that with the time he wanted to spend with Hyungwon could be difficult, every now and then; their relationship still faced some disagreements like every other out there, nothing out of the ordinary.  

Their fights never lasted too long, mainly because it usually ended up in sex, but also because they were trying to concede more space to their divergent opinions. It was almost tangible the difference between what they had years ago to their present situation; despite being friends for almost a year, the entire month they dated back in college was spent trying to discover their boundaries outside a platonic affinity, which could be kinda awkward a few times. In the adult life, they tried to know themselves first to avoid hurting one another, but always learning together at the end of the day.

Years passed and they both were changed by the tribulations they faced alone and with each other, caused by themselves or of outside influences. It was impossible to say they didn’t struggle a bit to deal with the people they’ve become; every day, a new facet was unveiled in the most random moments, and the process to get used to it could reveal some obstacles. They could do everything if they kept their hands entwined.

One of the things that benefited their relationship the most was Hyungwon’s return to therapy; he really didn’t speak much about what he discussed there, though, and Hoseok didn’t push him to do so. Benefiting from the situation, Hoseok also started to be accompanied by another psychologist, which he should’ve done a long time ago. Hoseok hoped it made his boyfriend feel less nervous about the appointments, for that was supposed to mean that they were in similar situations, that Hoseok wasn’t not even a bit more put together than him.

Hyungwon didn’t mention much about his birthday in the past week, which was clearly because he got intensely busy with his project, and Hoseok was happy that the man sounded excited about it every time they chatted. What he wished for his boyfriend was to find joy in what he had chosen to do, so of course the older couldn’t be more pleased. It didn’t quite bother him the fact that Hyungwon took more time than the usual to reply his texts; Hoseok just wanted to check if he was okay, if he needed something. There wasn’t much to care about birthdays anyway.

The reigning peace inside his office was disturbed by his friends’ shenanigans — mostly Minhyuk’s squeals while chanting a traditional birthday song, alongside their friends, except Hyungwon.

By the end of that afternoon, everybody enjoyed the cake that Kihyun baked for him, and his friend was truly an amazing cook; Hoseok felt so much adoration towards the boys that his day brightened a bit, regardless of the silvery sky above their heads.

However, even the air that he inhaled and exhaled was draining the rest of the energy. The rain hit the ground with a ferocity that Hoseok didn’t expect to see that day, and usually he’d be very enthusiastic because of that, but it wasn’t the best of days. He was worn out, hungry, and he missed Hyungwon, whose last text sent by him was a reaction to his good morning. Hoseok hoped that he at least was taking care of himself; his boyfriend had a tendency to get so immersed in his activities that he’d often forget that he was a human being, that needed water and food to survive.

Still on the doorway, Hoseok could hear Bong Cha meowing as soon while he typed the passcode to unlock his apartment, most likely because she was starving despite the generous amount of food he’d always leave for her in the morning.

“Hey Bong-”

His heart went all the way up to the sky and then back inside his chest in a matter of seconds.

All the serenity Hoseok had on him vanished into thin air when his eyes landed on his boyfriend, standing in the middle of his living room with a cupcake in hands; only one tiny candle gleaming on top of it.

The room wasn’t the same he had left in the morning; dozens of red balloons were hung everywhere, but what he was taken aback the most by… well, Hoseok didn’t expect to see all the polaroids they had taken together and by themselves, affixed to the strings of the suspended rubber balls on the ceiling.

“Ta-da! Happy birthday!” Hyungwon exclaimed, but Hoseok was still trying to let that sink in for good. His wordless gaze at the younger man didn’t hint what he was feeling, because he couldn’t find words to describe it. “Hoseok?”

His mind was in-between exhilaration and hysteria, but that didn’t stop his legs to automatically stroll towards his boyfriend, whom still gazed at him with uncertainty — even in the dark, Hoseok always would find his way back to Hyungwon. He was his sun, after all.

“You didn’t…” The quivering in the raven-haired’s face was spilled into the air as he spoke, cautiously. “I thought…”

“You…” It was remarkable that Hoseok managed to mutter something. “Did… all of this?”

“Why?” The man almost sounded ashamed. “You didn’t like it? I can take it all down if-”

Hoseok didn’t want to be lame and cry in the middle of that misunderstanding, but that was just who he was.

The tears falling off of his face hit the floor as he bent his body to try to get a hold of himself. Hoseok was reminded by his conscience that his only wish had always been to stare at Hyungwon forever, so he pulled his body up to fix his eyes on him.

His boyfriend looked utterly terrified; his body was so stiff that his veins popped out of his hands once Hoseok landed a hand on him.

“Hyungwon… I wasn’t- I loved it. This is… lovely. Like you.”

Hyungwon maintained eye contact, but still emanated anxiety.

“Then why are you crying? I- I thought you’d be happy.”

“I am.” Hoseok finally smiled at him, moving his fingers from his wrist to hold his free hand. “I just… didn’t expect.”

The way the taller man tilted his head in confusion was almost comical.

“You really thought I would forget your birthday?”

“No, that’s not it…” Words to explain failed to appear on his mind. “It’s… I wasn’t upset by it, I mean. You’re working hard these days and-”

It shouldn’t be a surprise that the moment was killed by Hyungwon slapping his neck.

“Are you crazy? You’re the most important thing in my life. Everything else can take a seat.”

Just like that, Hoseok melted on the inside so badly that he was really concerned it’d overflow. Apparently, his silent gaze at his boyfriend was too long because of how the younger man snapped his fingers in front of his face, trying to get his attention back.

“Could you blow this candle? It’s kind of burning down.”

Chuckling a bit, Hoseok did what he was told to.

“Did you make a wish?”

“No.”

“What the f-”

“I don’t need it, Hyungwon.” Taking the cupcake off of his boyfriend’s hand, he placed on the center table. “I have you.”

Before the Hyungwon could be a witty brat, Hoseok grabbed his face and crashed his lips against Hyungwon’s, who quietly gasped into his mouth with the sudden kiss; Hoseok tasted the salt of his tears blending with the fresh mint flavor on Hyungwon’s tongue as it slipped into his mouth. Hoseok liked how kissing him was never the same, but most of the time he was struck by the electric jolt that went through his boyfriend’s body to the deeps of Hoseok’s skin, almost lethal, but constantly saved his life.

Hoseok pushed Hyungwon’s back to collide against the nearest wall, enjoying how the younger moaned with a mixture of pain and pleasure as the older shifted to suck on his lower lip; his entire body twitched with Hyungwon’s fingers crawling up to dive into his hair. To describe how it felt to have that body against his was useless, for it was a book in a language only the two of them knew how to read.

“Wait.” His boyfriend gently tugged his hair, breathless against his mouth. “I have something else.”

With a peck on his cheek, Hyungwon disappeared inside his apartment, only to return a minute later with a rectangular box on his hands.

“What is it?”

His boyfriend’s eyes crinkled when he chuckled at him.

“It’s a present. You gotta open.”

“Sure.” Hoseok moved towards the box, set on the sofa. “I said you didn’t…”

_Oh._

That was not one of the options that crossed his mind in the past minute.

A red scarf.

“I tried to get one identical to the original one. You know, from Goblin. Does it look like it?”

Hyungwon was way too endearing for the older’s heart to handle.

“Yeah. Thanks, baby. I love it.”

“Hoseok…” A tiny whisper came out of his mouth as Hyungwon picked up the scarf and threw the box somewhere in the living room. “Every moment I spent with you… shined.” Unhurriedly, he started to wrap the scarf around Hoseok’s neck. “Because the weather was good. Because the weather was bad, and because the weather was good enough. I loved every moment of it.”

How could Hoseok ever say something on a par with everything it was presented to him? It was quite a puzzle to discover what was it that inflamed his chest until the point it turned into a house on fire, but no flame ever touched the man he loved.

“Wow…”

“I did watch it this time. Binge-watched for 3 days, it was really an ugly crying event, I’m suing TVN.”

“You’re so lovable, Hyungwonnie. I think I’m gonna pass out of too much happiness.”

“And leave your third present here alone?” The younger gestured at himself, lifting an eyebrow. “You sure?”

His boyfriend didn’t even wince when Hoseok picked him up, instantly enfolding his legs around Hoseok’s waist, bursting into laughter when the older man ran towards the bedroom. Quickly unbuttoning Hyungwon’s shirt, Hoseok brushed his lips against the man’s neck.

“If you insist, baby.”

 

 

[11:48 pm]

Stupid Turtle:

_:D_

Stupid Hamster:

_Pls stop texting me every time you get laid_

Stupid Turtle:

_No :D_

 

 

“Why the hell there’s a picture of Hoseok and I on your desk?”

One of the worst things a person could ever do in life was to question Gun’s actions, but for some reason he was really interested in knowing the background of what was in front of him.

“It gives me strength to keep going.” His friend jabbered, bouncing on his chair. “Just like Jooheon’s gorgeous face right beside it.”

Tilting his head a bit, Hyungwon saw a framed selfie of his favorite dongsaeng, wearing a gray faux fur hoodie, behind Gunhee.

“It’s hard to be your friend. But why did you call me here?”

The boy hummed in acknowledgment.

“You remember the song I made for you and Hoseok hyung, right?”

“I tried to forget, but it haunts me.”

“Nonsense, it’s amazing and you loved it. Anyways, I wanted to know you if you’d mind me selling it. Like, to a professional singer.”

Hyungwon was a bit taken aback.

“Why? Who? Like… Did you ask Hoseok?”

“Jung Seung Hwan. And yes, hyung said it was okay. I do believe you’d stab me if I didn’t tell you first.”

“I…” It didn’t worry him, but it was still weird. “People won’t know it’s about us, right?”

“Of course not.” Gun guaranteed. “Only we, the Wonseok clan, will know.”

Out of all the stuff Hyungwon never thought he’d get used to, the use of this couple term was certainly on top 3. Yet… it kinda started growing on him, almost 4 months after Hoseok and him got back together.

“Hmm… Whatever. It’s not like it’s gonna become a massive success or something.”

“Ouch.” The man brought a hand to his chest to signalize his feigned wound. “You’ll regret looking down on my masterpiece, mark my words. The power of the gays will make this number 1 on every Korean chart.”

“Keep on dreaming.” Leisurely, Hyungwon made a move to stand up. “Anyways… is Chan here? I bought a Jackson 5 LP for him.”

“Hmm…” Gunhee leaned back on his chair to check on the clock above the door. “It’s almost 06:00 pm, I think he’s in college.”

“ _Yikes_. Here, it’s for you. Happy birthday.” He handed his younger friend a paper bag with a wireless golden headphone on it.

Gun frowned at him, a bit confused.

“But my birthday is… tomorrow?”

“I bought it today and since you made me come here, just take it.”

“Aww...” Finally checking the content of the bag, his friend seemed content with it. “Thanks, hyung. It’s dope.”

“Sure. Also, I’ll leave Chan’s LP with you. Break it and I’ll break your face.”

“You should really appreciate me more, Hyungwon. I’m about to make your love story a BOP.”

“I moderately like you.” He was almost out of Gun’s little office when he remembered something. “Send me a copy of that picture, by the way. See you tomorrow. And eat something, boy.”

“Aww… Is that affection?” The man chortled when Hyungwon rolled his eyes at him. “I love you too, hyung.”

 

Every single muscle in Hyungwon’s body was aching and begging for him to just collapse in the nearest carpet, but he still forced himself to not sleep on the elevator that led to his boyfriend’s apartment.

His normal schedule, despite not being quite the same every day, had taken him by surprise with another work meeting, just when Hyungwon thought he’d manage to get to Hoseok’s house earlier and sleep profoundly on his cozy bed, in his cozy embrace. What he found odd was observing that the living room’s light on, especially when it was already past 10:00 pm — Hoseok was quite an early sleeper on weekdays.

The click made by the door as soon as Hyungwon closed it behind him woke up his boyfriend, who rested on the couch looking very snug and warm, with his cat curled into a ball on top of his stomach. No matter how many times he looked at Hoseok like that, the younger man would always be sure that he could live in his arms forever.

“Hyungwonnie…” The man groaned, rubbing his eyes with a hand. “You’re home…”

He couldn’t not snicker at that adorable view.

“Why aren’t you in bed? You didn’t have to wait.”

Softly putting Bong Cha on the floor, his boyfriend gestured for him to sit beside him on the sofa.

“I wanted to see youuuuu. Are you okay? Did you eat?”

“Yeah.” Once Hoseok snuggled into his neck, Hyungwon let out a relieved sigh, kissing the tip of the man’s fingers. “I had dinner with Jun and Mingyu. I wanted to see Chan, but he’s in college. Poor child, God help him.”

“Hmm…”

He was so divine, and Hyungwon was so damn in love. Entwining their hands together, he was constantly amazed by how much they fitted perfectly into each other, as much as puzzle pieces did when it became the picture they were meant to be. If going through all the pain and sorrow that he did was the sacrifice the heavens demanded in exchange of a lifetime with Hoseok, he’d gladly would do it all again.

Watching the older’s grip on his torso become stronger, he was suddenly reminded that he wanted more. He would, maybe, be considered a demanding individual for wishing for more than he already had, but there was a constant neon sign inside Hyungwon’s mind preventing him to forget, because he needed to have his greed satisfied, regardless of the fear clouding his lungs.

 _All at once_ , he indulged himself.

“Hoseok… I was thinking… Everything is near your place, I mean… where I’m planning to work, our favorite convenience store… So…”

“Hmm?”

“What… What do you think… Jesus, this is hard. How would you feel with… living with me?”

Hyungwon stopped breathing for a moment when he felt his boyfriend’s body retreating a bit to gaze at him, looking a bit mystified.

_Not a good sign._

“What?”

“It’s fine, we can do it later, I don’t mind it’s-”

Hoseok shook his head to interrupt the younger, squinting at him.

“No, not that. What are you talking about? You already live here.”

“What?”

“Hyungwonnie. Half of my closet is filled with your clothes. Your books are everywhere inside the house. For real, I found a book in one of the kitchen’s cabinet yesterday. You sleep here… everyday?”

The patterns of his routine frequently escaped Hyungwon’s memory.

“Oh… so… it’s a good idea?”

“How it could be it be bad?”

The older smiled at him, kissing the back of his hand.

“I don’t know… I was afraid to ask.”

“Don’t worry. Just bring the rest of your stuff later. Now let’s go to bed.”

 

 

[07:16 pm]

_Hoseok changed your nickname to “Hyungwonnie”_

Hoseok:

_Baby_

_Are you there already?_

[07:17 pm]

Hyungwonnie:

_Yes. I’m staring at Jeonghan’s face to decide if he’s handsomer than me._

_I think we’re in the same level. I respect him._

Hoseok:

_………Okay_

_I’ll be there in 5, see you soon <3_

Hyungwonnie:

_Pls do_

“Minhyuk, for the love of God. You’re suffocating the kid.”

Kihyun’s affirmation got his attention back to the group, who currently chilled at Jooheon and Changkyun’s office; a bit larger than Gunhee’s, since it was accommodating his youngest friends in a single space. Beside him, in a small couch, was birthday boy being crushed to death by their friend.

That was just something Minhyuk did in a daily basis, but especially when he felt needy.

“Jooheon, please, save me.” He begged to his boyfriend, who leaned on the wall with Changkyun and Kihyun by his side. Jooheon just giggled and shrugged at Gun.

“Hyunwoo hyung will be here soon. He’ll let go of you.”

“Guuunnn…” Minhyuk whined, putting an even stronger hold on his friend, throwing a leg around the man. “You’re growing up so fast…”

Hyungwon made a pause on eating chips to cackle at the baffled way that Jooheon’s boyfriend stared at Minhyuk.

“I’m one year younger than you.”

“Like I said…” Hyunwoo’s boyfriend patted his hair. “Growing up so fast. I’m glad you’re healthy and well, and you’re still with Jooheonnie.”

“Thanks, but I’d appreciate being able to breathe.”

In the following second, a couple of knocks hit the door of the room, revealing two figures standing outside.

Hoseok and his hyung gave them a quick wave, which made Minhyuk bolt off of the sofa to jump into his boyfriend’s arms; the latter had to take a step back to regain steadiness, but laughed at that enthusiasm.

Hyungwon, however, immediately choked on the food he was chewing as soon as his eyes landed on Hoseok.

Not an overstatement, though. He was literally stifling to death because a piece of chips.

As he coughed as hard as he could to be, you know, able to breathe, Hyungwon felt warm hands on his arms.

“Hyungwon! Are you okay? Breathe, calm down.”

In the heat of the moment, his answer sounded harsher than he intended, which made him push Hoseok away.

His throat hurt as the air was allowed to take over his lungs again, but it didn’t bother him more than the anger he was feeling.

“What the fuck, Hoseok?”

From Gunhee beside him until Hyunwoo, still standing by the door with Minhyuk on his arms, every single one of their friends looked at him as if he finally went insane. It was a possibility that he was really close to it, though.

Throwing the bag of chips on the floor, the raven-haired stormed out of the room looking like a spoiled brat whom just had been denied something.

“Hyungwon, wait!”

Hyungwon allowed himself to huff at that situation once he was almost reaching the end of the hallway, but soon enough he felt kind fingers wrapping around his forearm.

“What’s happening? What did I do?”

Just looking at him made Hyungwon groan with frustration.

“ _That_!” He pointed at Hoseok’s freshly dyed hair.

Blond hair.

His boyfriend was still lost.

“What? I dyed it yesterday. You _saw_ it yesterday.”

“I didn’t!”

“Yes, you _did_.” Hoseok looked baffled at his response. “You lied down beside me, looked at my hair and hummed. I assumed it was okay. What the hell?”

_Did I?_

Even if he tried to recollect the day before, Hyungwon wasn’t very sure of even how he got home because of his exhaustion, much less what he did or said that night.

“I don’t remember.” The younger looked away, kind of realizing the pointless scene he was making. “Why would you even dye it like that again? Dark colors are better.”

“I don’t understand you. I was blond during 95% of the time in college. I was blond when you met me. Why are you being like this?”

Truth is that he didn’t actually _hated_ Hoseok’s blond hair. However, a couple of details about this matter should be highlighted for his tantrum to be understood.

1.

At first, every time Hyungwon remembered about the year they spent together in college, flashes of Hoseok and his golden hair occupied every centimeter of it; all the moments Hoseok laughed with him, ate with him, watched silly movies with him, or just all the looks they shared that meant more than an interpretation of hundreds of words.

2.

When Hoseok came back to Korea and he first saw him, he was blond. Only God knows how much willpower it took Hyungwon to not shove the older man against the wall and ask to be fucked right on spot. Mainly because things were still complicated back then, and Hyungwon was trying to keep his pride and feed his dislike.

So, yeah. It wasn’t because he detested that color on his boyfriend’s hair, but for the reason that every time he looked at Hoseok with that hair color, the things Hyungwon wanted to do with him were rated way beyond PG-13.

“It’s- I… Sorry. I’m sorry.” It was stupid trying to making himself sound less crazy. “I was startled.”

“By the hair?”

“…Yeah. It kind of awakens things in me.”

His boyfriend raised an eyebrow at him.

“Like what?”

 

“Well…” Panting, Hoseok leisurely dragged his teeth against his jawline before letting his back fall on the bed, turning his head to his side to gaze at his boyfriend. “I’m glad I’m back to being blond.”

Before he could stop himself, Hyungwon guffawed at that remark, pushing himself up to rest his head on his pillow.

“You’re a safety hazard. I need to work on my composure. We can’t have sex every time I see you now.”

Hoseok’s laugh resonated through the walls while curved his body to hug Hyungwon.

“It’s extraordinary we made it home before you ripped my clothes off. I still can’t believe actually choked when you saw me.”

He tried to slap the older, but Hoseok was faster and caught his wrist. The biggest audacity was when his boyfriend began sucking on his fingers one by one. That goddamn man.

“Fuck off. I’m hungry. Let’s order something.”

“There was free food at Gun’s party.” Hoseok commented, still working on one of his fingers, which was of zero help to keep his responsiveness. “But you decided to fuck, so…”

There was a mixture of pleasure and mocking on the way that he moaned.

“You say it like you weren’t the one fucking me. I’m starving. The only thing I ate today were those chips you made me gag on.”

A very effective way of making Hoseok snap out of his sexy facet.

“What? You said you were going to have lunch with Kihyun today.”

“I was going to.” The younger clarified. “But I had to go check on some things, so…”

“You have to eat!” Falling on his back again, Hoseok sighed. “I’m gonna find my phone, what do you want?”

Hyungwon grinned like a fool at the man who moved to sit in bed.

“Meat!” Craning his head to have a better view at the man, Hyungwon threw a finger heart at him, concluding it with a childish tone. “I love you.”

His boyfriend tried not to giggle at his aegyo, but it was a fail.

“Brat.”

 

 

“Mom, I said I’ll go. Relax.”

It was like trying to convince the wall that he was being true to his words.

_“Yes, but will you bring him this time? Your sisters and your father are giving me that pleading look. You know, the one you guys used when you wanted to eat more dessert and less vegetables.”_

Glancing at Hyungwon, who currently brushed his teeth in the bathroom, the only thing Hoseok could do was sigh.

“Mom, let’s wait a bit more, okay? I don’t-”

_“Do you think he still feels awkward? You guys have been together for almost 5 months now. Ask him. If he doesn’t feel comfortable yet, I’ll kick your sisters to leave you guys alone.”_

“Okay, mom. I’ll ask. But don’t make a big deal out of this, you know… like the first time he went there.”

_“Gotcha. I’ll call you later to know. Bye, baby, mommy loves you.”_

Things were just fine between Hyungwon and him, despite both of them being exceptionally busy those days. The weekend was the only time they had to spend entire days together, but Hoseok was already going to quit that because of his family’s calling… maybe he wouldn’t have to be away from his boyfriend? He just didn’t want to force, because it wasn’t one of his priorities when it came to his relationship with Hyungwon; perhaps it was something the younger wasn’t ready to. However, his family, as usual…

“What was that about?”

Hoseok wasn’t expecting to hear Hyungwon’s voice so soon, even though he knew the man was just 5 meters away from him.

“Hmm…” Should he tell? There was no way he could be sure of the outcome anyway. “It’s just… my mom. Tomorrow is Siwoo’s birthday, there’s a party all weekend and stuff… She asked if you wanted to go.”

With a towel hanging from his shoulder, the raven-haired stared at Hoseok with a conflicted expression. In a blink of an eye, though, he ambled to sit on the other edge of the bed.

“I don’t know… Do you think…” He coughed before continuing. “They’re going to be awkward with me around? I think your nephew doesn’t even remember me.”

So that was what he was concerned about. Silly.

“Hyungwon. In the past years, I’ve heard your name in my house more than I heard mine. My family loves you, they always cared about how you were doing. Mom and dad ask about you every time they call me. My sisters too. They keep trying to get me to take you there, but we don’t need to rush it…”

“It’s…” Fidgeting his shirt out of anxiety, his boyfriend stared at his hands while talking. “When that happened, back then, your parents tried to contact me… and I just ignored it. I feel embarrassed.”

While Hyungwon still seemed troubled, the older smiled at him, encircling an arm around his torso to bring the man closer.

“Hyungwon, love of my life. If anything, they’ll be thrilled to have you. Let the past be in the past. You don’t have to go if…”

“I do.” Hyungwon looked up to gaze at him. “I just… you will be with me, right? Can I hide behind you if I’m nervous?”

Hoseok laughed quietly at that cute question.

“You’re taller than me. But yes, I’ll protect you.”

 

 

Hyungwon didn’t know what he was doing.

It was mistake to have agreed to go there; every nerve in his body seconded that affirmation. However, it was quite late to back off at that point, when they stood in front of the house just waiting for the door to be opened by one of Hoseok’s family members. To be honest, Hyungwon wanted to cry out of cowardice, but he chose to tilt his head a bit and whispered at his boyfriend.

“Hoseok.”

Drawing small circles on the back of Hyungwon’s hand, the older lifted his head for eye contact.

“Yes?”

“I think I’m gonna faint.”

As earnest as his words, he craned his head to see Hoseok laughing at him profusely. Swiftly putting their bags on the doorstep, the man grabbed both of Hyungwon’s hands and placed on his own face.

“Everything will be alright. I promise. You trust me?”

Hyungwon nodded, brushing his lips against Hoseok’s before kissing him.

“THE LOVEBIRDS ARE HERE, MOM!”

Beyond frightened and mortified, he squealed once he noticed the third presence in front of them — Suran, Hoseok’s sister. Hyungwon’s face felt like it was on fire when he twirled to hide it on Hoseok’s back.

“For the love of God, noona. Can you stop yelling? We just got here.”

“MOVE!”

The 4th voice emerging was more enthusiastic than Suran’s — Hyungwon didn’t know how it was possible though — only fading to give place to a very eager Sohee jumping to hug him.

“HYUNGWON-AH! YOU’RE HERE!”

Stumbling back a bit to accommodate the extra weight on him, the raven-haired finally returned the embrace, but his anxiety still yelled on his mind that he was going to make a fool out of himself. Not a good start to have your boyfriend’s sister catching you kissing him in front of their house.

“SOHEE, IT’S MY TURN!”

“NO!” Hoseok’s second sister, Sohee, looked very pleased to be clutched to Hyungwon’s neck. “Wait a bit more.”

“I’m older than you, get out!”

Not a second passed until he was attacked again by Hoseok’s oldest sister, Sehee, also the wife of his lawyer. Pulling back a bit, the woman held his arms kindly.

“We were waiting for so long, Hyungwon-ah!”

He didn’t follow that affirmation.

“For… me?”

The women looked at him like they didn’t understand the language he was speaking.

“Of course!” From the threshold, Suran asserted. “Who else would we wait for? Hoseok?”

A snort escaped Hyungwon’s mouth before he could contain it.

Beside Suran, his boyfriend protested.

“Hey!”

“Come on.” Sohee softly put a hand on his back, gesturing for him to come inside. “Mom is gonna lose her shit in the next minute, so don’t think we’re weird.”

Suran and Hoseok both covered their mouths with their hands at the same time to chuckle.

“We ARE weird, unni.”

“Let go of him, he’s mine.”

Rapidly grabbing his hand, his boyfriend led him to enter that house for the second time — which didn’t make him want to puke out of nervousness at all, for sure.

Hyungwon wanted to be convinced that the worst had passed; now everything would go on smoothly and he’d finally be able to unclench his jaw. As soon as in the living room, they didn’t have to wait much until the rest of his family emerged from every single space Hyungwon looked around him. Hoseok’s mother was the first to greet him in there, tackling him into a hug exactly how Sohee and Sehee did.

They were all warm, just like his boyfriend. Perhaps it was a family thing, so Hyungwon wasn’t disturbed by all that physical contact.

“Good Lord.” Hoseok’s mother held his face with both hands after the squeeze. “You’re more good-looking than the last time I saw you. Did you see this, darling?”

From the living room’s entry, her son nodded.

“Yes, mom. I live with him.”

“I’m so glad you came back to this family, Hyungwon-ah. We missed you. Mainly Hoseok, but we missed you too.”

Better than just staring, the raven-haired knew he should answer that statement and not just stare at the woman with bewildered eyes, but… he hadn’t words to convey what he was experiencing.

He forgot, all that time, that Hoseok had a family. Parents, sisters, etc. A real family, just like those he saw on TV and in movies; people who raised him and loved him, and now treated Hyungwon as if he was part of it because he was Hoseok’s boyfriend. It still was a foreign concept for him to grasp, but Hyungwon was glad to have at least a small piece of that normalcy he craved for most of his life.

“Thank you, Mrs. Shin.”

A flippant hand waving was all her body language expressed.

“Oh no, love, not again. It’s _mom_ to you, you know.”

“Oh!” He heard his boyfriend interject on his peripheral vision. “Look who’s here.”

For real, Hyungwon would’ve have checked on who Hoseok was referring to, but he was struck by a small figure clasping his legs, jumping up and down.

“Uncle Hyungwon! Uncle Hyungwon!”

The boy grinned at him with so much eagerness that Hyungwon’s heart melted like cotton candy once in one’s mouth.

Catching Hoseok’s nephew on his arms, whom grew up a lot since the last time he saw him, Hyungwon laughed at his chubby cute face.

“You’re all grown up now, Siwoo. I bet you’ll be taller than me.”

“Uncle, you’re gonna stay, right?” The kid blinked at him full of hope. “Uncle Hoseok talks about you aaaaall the time. I want to him to play with me.”

Both him and the child giggled at that, and even more when Hoseok shouted at them.

“Yah, Siwoo! Don’t be a snitch!”

“Yes, I’ll stay. And you can-”

An abrupt voice startled everyone in the room, followed by quick footsteps in their direction.

“There’s no respect for the elders anymore. I’m the last of my family to meet my son-in-law again, just when I’m the one who cherishes him the most.”

Every muscle of Hyungwon’s body froze on spot at the sight of Hoseok’s father staring at him, beside his son — the man did look quite upset, but Hyungwon just… didn’t know what to do? How to act? No one briefed him on situations like that, and fuck everybody that didn’t. Still holding Siwoo in his arms, the raven-haired at least focused on not hold Sehee’s son with too much strength, because of his mild panic.

He didn’t dare to look at the other family members — at anyone, to be clear. Once he got enough of his shit together in the next seconds, Hyungwon put Siwoo down and just… stayed still.

After a while — time wasn’t a concept easy to grasp, so hours could’ve been passed — when Hoseok groaned at his father.

“Dad, please. He just got here, don’t be melodramatic.”

The man put his hand on his hips, full of indignity, to answer his son.

“Yes, but I wanted to welcome him first!”

“He’s there!” Hoseok pointed a hand at him. “Stop making him nervous and welcome him.”

It was exactly like watching any interaction between Hoseok and Minhyuk, in any situation.

Weird, but anyways.

As if someone had pressed a button on the back of Hoseok’s father, the oldest man in the room let go of the previous taciturn look and snickered as he strode across the room to reach him; his embrace was no lighter than the rest of his family, but at least Hyungwon’s body relaxed a bit.

“Welcome home again, son.” Hoseok’s dad greeted him, patting him on the shoulder. “I’m glad for you and Hoseok.”

“Thank… you?”

The entire family cackled at his blabbering, and Hyungwon already felt himself blushing.

“Yah, leave him alone for now. We gonna rest a bit before lunch. Come on, baby.”

The sensation Hyungwon had was more or less like watching the rest of the people, except Hoseok, under a microscope, and after all those years of studying it, he still didn’t get it why people thought they were so entertaining — just a simple pet name came out of his boyfriend’s mouth and everyone in the room uttered “Awws”. It didn’t bother him, so he considered it a little victory against his restlessness.

 

“What the hell is this?”

His boyfriend settled the bags on the carpet in front of the bed to answer his question; Hyungwon couldn’t help but to feel a bit disappointed. Mostly deceived. Hoseok furrowed his brows in uncertainty.

“What?”

“Where’s your bed? The one we slept here last time. This is _not_ the same bed.”

“Oh…” The older man smiled at him as if Hyungwon wasn’t having an existential crisis in that moment. “Mom bought a new one for me last year. The bed we slept on when you came here was old, like, from when I was a teenager.”

“But I liked that bed! I won’t be able to sleep in this one. I don’t _know_ this bed.”

Hoseok snorted at his suffering.

“It’s just a bed.” Standing on his feet, the man pulled Hyungwon by his hand to sit beside him on that cryptic mattress. “After we sleep here you’ll get used to it.”

“No, I won’t. I want that bed back.”

Most of the time, he would’ve just given up on being a brat, but that was something that he couldn’t take it. Hyungwon had been waiting for so long to sleep in that bed again, just to have it taken away. A bit overstretched, but those were just his feelings.

“You can’t have it. Just this one.”

“Then I’ll sleep on the floor.”

Making a move to stand up, Hyungwon was stopped by Hoseok’s fingers wrapping around his wrist, pulling him down to sit back.

“Don’t reach. You’re sleeping here with me tonight.”

Hyungwon raised an eyebrow at him.

“I won’t.”

In a swift move, his boyfriend grabbed his torso and threw him on his back in bed, hovering over Hyungwon like a hawk. In a tone that sounded more a threat than an affirmation, Hoseok threw a conceited smile at him.

“Yes, you _are_. I will tie you to this bed if I have to. I think you’d like that, though.”

The nerve.

“You wouldn’t.”

Lowering his face until it was just centimeters away from Hyungwon’s, the older displayed another one of those grins.

“Try me, Chae Hyungwon.”

His back automatically arched when he felt a pair of lips crashing against his neck, having to bite his lower lip to not moan at full volume.

“Hoseok…” God, that man didn’t make his life stress-free. “Don’t…”

“You’re throwing an unnecessary tantrum.” Hoseok whispered against his skin. “This is your punishment. Let’s see for how long you can be quiet.”

Hyungwon nearly screamed with the sudden grinding of his boyfriend’s body against him, whom grabbed his legs to keep his waist down.

“Hoseok… There’s… Oh, fuck.” It was indeed a torture not to be able to scream. _Goddamnit_. “Stop, your family…”

For a second, Hyungwon lost his shit when Hoseok thrusted harder against him and choked a cry.

“Fuck… I won’t- Oh, fuck.” And here came Hoseok’s teeth raking his collarbones, not helping in containing his boner. “Sorry, sorry, I’ll sleep here, stop.”

Leisurely, his mouth moved away from his collarbones, bringing a hand to caress his thigh.

“You asking me to stop is sure a new experience.”

“Fuck you. You’re the nastiest boyfriend ever.”

“That’s because you’re a brat.”

“Get off, someone can enter here. And I’m already half hard, which is your fucking fault.”

Shifting to the other side of the bed for Hyungwon to be able to stand up, Hoseok only chortled at his misery while propped himself up on an elbow.

“Do you want help with that?”

“No!” He retorted, only a bit annoyed. “I’m showering alone, you only make it worse.”

“Yah, Hyungwon!”

His boyfriend walked towards the bathroom located inside his room a few steps away from him, kind of determined. Hoseok was already shirtless when Hyungwon looked over his shoulders.

“What, Hoseok?”

Moving faster than his eyes could keep up with, the older was already slipping his tongue inside Hyungwon’s mouth when the latter realized what was happening. An unescapable desire to laugh appeared when his back hit the wall.

“Lock the door, idiot.”

 

_Hoseok Has a Hyung Kink_

[03:27 pm]

 **Hoseok** :

**America’s true love** : SINCE WHEN HYUNGWON PLAYS PIANO WTF

 **Stupid Hamster** : since he was 12 or 13?? thought you knew

 **America’s true love** : I NEVER SAW HIM PLAYING A PIANO IN MY LIFE

 **America’s true love** : SEND ME A VIDEO @Hoseok

 **Stupid Turtle** : I’ll send a hitman instead

 **Minhyukkie** : wonnie looks so cute with those cherry blossoms 10/10 photography skills of love

 **Hoseok** : he was playing Für Elise, my dad lost his shit and wants to show him off to everyone in the family

 **Hyunwoo hyung** : aww

 **America’s true love** : who the fuck is beethoven i only know chae hyungwon

 **Stupid Turtle** : It is not that deep, I shall never play it again

_Stupid Hamster changed Stupid Turtle’s nickname to “Trophy wife”_

**Trophy wife** : I regret running into your arachnophobic ass every day

 

When Hoseok said that _his entire family_ , meaning the ones that Hyungwon didn’t meet the first time he was there, he didn’t quite expect to be gawked from head to toe by a shit ton of people that occupied the living room.

Okay, he was overreacting. However, only 11 of his boyfriend’s relatives already made him want to run to the next continent and never come back.

A small part of him died under all those different looks. Hoseok seemed to have read his mind, but Hyungwon was sure it was because of the strong grip he kept on his boyfriend’s shirt, “hiding” from the others behind him.

“Can you all please stop staring? You’re making him nervous. This is Hyungwon, my boyfriend. Hyungwon, they are my-”

A short dark-haired woman interrupted Hoseok’s speech.

“Are you sure it’s _him_?” She gazed at his boyfriend then back to Hyungwon. “You’re really dating _him_?”

_Jesus Christ driving a double-decker wearing crocs._

The blond man was lost in that question.

“Yes…”

A younger voice came near the sofa, belonging to a slim teenage girl.

“Hoseok oppa, how did you conned him into dating you? He’s like… _a model_. Look at that flawless skin… Share the deets.”

Hyungwon snorted on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“YAH, JIEUN!”

“You were saying the truth, hyung.” A man in his 50s declared, beside Hoseok’s dad. “We need pictures with him, people won’t believe it if they don’t see it.”

Gradually and unnoticed, his nervousness faded away as soon as the people started talking over each other instead of focusing on him, raising a ruckus in the Shin household.

“YAH!” Hoseok yelled again, startling Hyungwon a bit. The man noticed and threw an apologetic look at him. His family did shut up at that, though. “Be civilized, or I won’t bring him here ever again.”

“I will disown you, I swear to Christ.” The man beside his boyfriend’s dad playfully pointed a finger at Hyungwon. “He’s too out of our family’s league. We’re the local basketball team and he’s like… the NBA. If you break up with him, I will deny your existence.”

“Err…” Hyungwon mumbled, trying to change the subject. “Good night. I’m Chae Hyungwon. Nice to meet you all.”

As soon as he started bowing, the room erupted into a turmoil of whispers that basically said that he was also _cute_.

Gosh.

“Anyways…” Hoseok rolled his eyes, holding his hand to bring him closer to his relatives. “This is Uncle Hyunjin.” He aimed at the man standing beside his father. “He’s my dad’s little brother. Never let me live since I was born.”

Hyungwon did a 90º bow again, and repeated it at everyone in the room.

“These are aunt Jiwon and aunt Jinhee. They’re my mom’s big sisters. They have a lot of embarrassing pictures of me, so don’t talk much with them.”

The women laughed, quickly waving at him.

“These brats here…” Hoseok took him near the couch, where the youngest people sat; 3 on the couch and 3 on the floor. “My baby cousins. Minhyuk, Jaehyun and Jiyoung.”

The two brown-haired boys incredibly clearly alike, since they were brothers, and Hyungwon perceived just a tiny age difference. The jet black locks on the girl’s head made her seem almost angelical; she was also almost the same height as Hyungwon (bless puberty). Jiyoung smiled brightly at him.

“They’re aunt Jiwon’s kids. This Minhyuk is quieter than our Minhyuk, so don’t worry.”

The kids laughed with them at that remark. The round glasses on Jaehyun’s face made him seen cutely nerdish; he kinda resembled Kihyun back in high school.

“Yah, oppa! I still want the deets on this swindling!”

They turned around to gaze at a girl bouncing with fervor on the floor.

“Hyungwonnie, this is my least favorite cousin.” Hoseok’s boyfriend wheezed. “Jieun is Uncle Hyunjin’s only child. That’s why she is insufferable.”

“Nonsense, you love me.” Jieun shook her head in disagreement. The proceeded to get up, walking in their direction. The girl inspected Hyungwon up close. “Wow. I think he’s the most good-looking guy I’ve ever seen.”

“Get lost.” Hoseok pushed her out of the way to introduce the last kids. Those two barely had entered their teenager years. “These are my youngest cousins, Jungwook and Jiyeon. They’re fraternal twins, aunt Jinhee’s children.”

“Can I call you oppa?” Jiyeon inquired. The 12-year-old girl gave him her best rectangular smile.

Hyungwon replied with a positive nod.

“Hyungwon oppa, if you ever want to know any humiliating detail about my cousin, just call me. We really have lots of receipts.”

The entire room bursted into laughter after that; even Hoseok was having a hard time in hiding his smile.

“See, Hyungwonnie…” His boyfriend affirmed, taking his hand again to lead him to the kitchen, where the rest of the family was. “They’re insolent punks just like you. You’ll get along fast.”

 

_Hoseok Has a Hyung Kink_

[06:44 pm]

 **Hoseok** :

**Trophy wife** : stop sending picture of us to these idiots

 **Hoseok** : I need to show them to someone, you won’t let me do an Instagram acc

 **Joohoney** : #WONSEOKCONTENT

 **America’s true love** : IM SCREECHING lmao @ hyungwon’s face he look like he’s boutta snap that camera in 2

 **Minhyukkie** : @Hoseok this is some cute shit thank u

 **Hoseok** : uwu

 **Minhyukkie** : this angle is bad as shit tho

 **Hoseok** : unu

 **Trophy wife** : You made him sad you regurgitated cow food, just wait til I strangle you with my own hands

 

“Hey.”

For once, the weather was pleasant enough for Hyungwon to bear staying on the porch swing for more than 2 minutes. Siwoo’s party was the funniest he had ever been in his life — Hoseok’s cousins started a food war in the kitchen for about half hour and Hyungwon filmed it all for posterity; thankfully it didn’t interrupt the games that Sehee’s son played with his friends on the backyard. The oldest people in the house sat over there watching the kids, eating some barbecue. All of them, exactly all Hoseok’s relatives, took selfies with him until the point that he barely opened his eyes in the pictures because of the flashes. Hoseok’s family seemed to like it, though. Especially his cousins, that uploaded everything on Instagram… Nothing much could be done, so Hyungwon just tried not to cringe much at that.

The kids were already sleeping upstairs by the time Hoseok encountered him.

“How you doing?” His boyfriend’s arms immediately opened to embrace him, sitting by his side on the swing. “Saw you smiling a couple of times. Mostly during that food mess those brats did.”

Just the memory of that event made the younger man laugh.

“I’m fine. Everybody was very nice to me. Fun fact: I took more selfies with them than I can count.”

“Nice. Sorry they’re like that, I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Hoseok leaned his head on his shoulder, humming a song Hyungwon didn’t know.

“I don’t mind.” He assured Hoseok. “I don’t know why they compliment me so much… Your uncle called me a ‘genius’ because I said I read 97 books this year only. But they’re okay. I had never seen a family so big.”

“It’s bigger, actually…” Hoseok sighed in an odd way, pulling the hoodie of his sweater down. “After the entire country found out about us, some relatives cut ties with us. They knew I wasn’t straight, but they kinda… pretended it wasn’t happening. I have 2 more aunts, my father’s sisters; 3 uncles, from my mother’s family and 2 other cousins. My parents stopped talking with them too.”

Once again, the raven-haired man didn’t know how to react. As usual, he just… stayed quietly sitting there.

“I’m sorry.”

His boyfriend gave him his best cheer up grin.

“Nah, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to be around people that don’t accept me the way I am.”

He still felt a bit guilty.

“But they’re your family…”

“You are my family too. And I’ll always choose you first.”

That sappy man, always waking up the bats in Hyungwon’s stomach.

Suddenly, a realization hit him so hard that it seemed he had ignored something that was right under his nose the entire time.

“You know… Our story began here, in your parent’s house… Technically. Almost 3 years later, we’re back. It feels like time didn’t pass and we’re those college kids we were, but at the same time… It’s like coming back to a place I have always belonged, even before I was born. Do you get it?”

Hoseok beamed at him brighter than the moonlight.

“Yes. It’s safe. I can imagine being with you here for the rest of my life.”

There was no way that Hyungwon didn’t felt the same, even though he didn’t like to have high expectations about anything.

“Me too. We did a better job starting from zero this time. From zero to hundred.”

Stirring to look up at him again, the blond man chuckled quietly, correcting him.

“From zero to the eternity.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i misled some of yall to think that hyungwon was a top bc of a few comments here.................. lmao 
> 
> anyways, i tried.......... will get better in the future (i hope)  
> so i loved the new album? im still fucking shook with the QUALITY my guys
> 
> btw this (https://image.ibb.co/n7h0CH/IMG_20171203_055209.jpg) is jooheon's selfie on gun's desk
> 
> its really ending... so... thanks for liking it and waiting for my lazy ass to write these long ass chapters. love yall  
> STREAM JEALOUSY youtube is fucking with us we gotta get our views back
> 
> see yall next week.......... the last week....... errrr  
> take care kids


	20. Today, Tomorrow, Next Month, Next Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i did not cry writing this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey kids emo hours are open (wake me up inside.mp3)
> 
> first, sorry about the huge delay. i didn't want it to end, and it became a 50 page chapter (proof reading sucks sometimes)....... but we gotta let go, right? so....... yeah, here it is  
> thank you for your patience and comments and everything about this story, it means a lot to me 
> 
> anyways, enjoy this last chapter (or not)

_AUGUST, 2020_

“Holy shit.”

Yeah.

He didn’t mean to say it out loud, God was his witness. Doomed from the start, his instant reaction was covering his mouth under the judging looks of the sane people inside the grocery store; spoiler: he wasn’t one of them. When had he ever been, anyway. Hiding his face on boths hands, the aid he wanted from the heavens was for them to open a hole beneath his feet, so he could indeed discover if there’s a civilization living on the center of the Earth.

On his way to sprint off, though, Hyungwon was reminded of why he was there.

“Hyungwon?”

Hoseok’s mother seemed worried about his state (of looking like a crazy man), which he admitted it wasn’t one of his best. With a glance, Hyungwon saw the woman had a few bags on her hand and decided to not be a complete stupid, carrying them by himself on his way out of there; anyplace that wasn’t under thar roof was marvelous. Not too far from his ears, Hyungwon heard her footsteps in the middle of his mortification session. One he’d remember just for the next 15 years of his life, no big deal.

Inhaling as much oxygen as he could, he came to a halt once he hit the streets.

“What happened, dear? Are you okay?”

If he hadn’t already filled the quota of embarrassment for that day, Hyungwon would’ve curled himself into a ball right in front of that store.

“I’m sorry, mom.” What else could he say? That’s what he got not having a drop of self-control. “I didn’t mean to… curse. I swear, I didn’t mean to-”

One of her small hands pat him on the shoulder.

“I believe you. But… why did you? You seem more surprised than ashamed.”

Right.

Unfortunately, that would be the year Hyungwon would finally go to jail, for he had never been more determined to murder Gunhee in cold blood.

“That… That on the TV, inside. Did you see it?”

“Not really. Why? Something happened?”

“Yes. It was… that so- You know our friend Gunhee, right?”

Even though she was way shorter than him, Hyungwon always felt like the woman towered over him with her presence; afterwards, she gestured positively with her head to his inquiry.

“He’s a dic- He’s an idiot. And a musician. He made a song for Hoseok and I…”

She wasn’t realizing the severity of the situation he found himself in; Hyungwon almost felt bad for destroy her excitement after hearing that.

“That’s nice, dear.”

“No! It’s on TV! And apparently, it’s on 1st place in the charts for 2 weeks! In a row! What if… people…”

“Oh, darling.” She patted him in the shoulder without a single hint of patronization. “Let things happen first so you can freak out about it. If your names aren’t on it, I’m sure people won’t find out. By the way, which song is it?”

“But… Ugh… Man in a movie. The song.”

“I’ve heard it!” She beamed at it and he wanted to cry. “That boy has such a nice voice. And the song is lovely! I can’t believe is about you and Hoseok. How lovely.”

“Mom.”

“Yes?”

“Hypothetically, if I went to jail, you’d bring me food, right?”

It was unfair how she laughed at his despair.

 

 

_Hoseok Has a Hyung Kink_

[09:28 am]

_Trophy wife changed the group’s name to: GUNHEE YOU’RE A DEAD SON OF A BITCH_

 

 **Minhyukkie** : WHAT IS IT

 **Joohoney** : what tf did u do now @Americastruelove

 **America’s true love** : IF YOU VALUE MY LIFE PLS COME TO THE STUDIO

 **America’s true love** : HYUNGWON IS TRYNNA KICK MY DOOR DOWN

 **Joohoney** : again: what tf did u do now

 **America’s true love** : IDK HE TRIES TO KILL ME EVERY 2 WEEKS I DIDNT DO SHIT

 **Hyunwoo hyung** : *every week

 **America’s true love** : hE ENTERD THE ROMMKSJGJFKSKFDMDA;,JDK

 **Minhyukkie** : well, rip. are we hiding gun’s body on lunch break or not

 

“Get out now if you don’t want me to flip this table on your head.”

His blood was boiling inside his veins, but because of all those years of friendship, Hyungwon decided to be a bit lenient and offer the man a chance to have a quick death. Slowly standing up with a clipboard in front of his face, Gun shrieked for the second time since he kicked his way inside that office.

“I didn’t do anything!” His stupid friend beseeched in a childlike tone. “At least tell me why I’m gonna die.”

It was a good cause.

Kind of.

“That song your made!” He sounded crazier than he wished to. “It’s every fucking where in this country. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE A SONG ABOUT HOSEOK AND I?”

Gunhee seemed perplexed and thrilled at the same time.

_Bitch._

“I know right? We been getting good money from the royalties. I told you the power of the gays is strong.”

Wrong answer.

Hyungwon quickly picked up a notebook from the table and tossed at the dumbass, even though his wish was to throw a fucking chair on him.

“Stop!” The man pleaded, once more using the clipboard to shield himself. “Why are you mad? You get money from this too, you’re a shareholder!”

That was the last of Hyungwon’s concerns; he was about to explain, in detail, how agonizing it’d be Gunhee’s death when the latter’s phone started ringing, on top of his side of the desk.

“It’s Hoseok hyung.” His younger friend seemed more scared of that than of the man threatening his life. “Should…”

A note-worthy trivia about his boyfriend is that he seemed to have developed a sixth sense to get in his way of doing some questionable choices. Faster than he could keep up, Gun answered the call, putting it on speaker.

_“Hey, Gun. Hyungwon, I know you’re listening. I read the group chat. Stop it. I told you. You can’t slaughter a friend.”_

Always raining on his massacring parade.

Hyungwon was still deciding if he should calm down when Hoseok spoke again.

_“Gun, you’re still alive, right?”_

“Yeah.” The man leaned towards the phone like a scared cat. “This was a really close one.”

_“Good. What did you do this time?”_

It was almost comical the amount of indignation in his scoff.

“I didn’t do anything! I swear! He’s mad that the Wonseok song is a certified BOP!”

That got Gun another textbook on his chest.

“I can’t go anywhere without hearing this fucking song!” It was hell and Hyungwon was living in it. “Can I break some of his ribs?”

Hoseok sighed on the other end of the line.

_“Leave him alone, Hyungwonnie. You’re being immature.”_

Maybe? Yeah. Some support still would be appreciated.

Even if he wasn’t there in person, Hyungwon was sure his boyfriend could feel him frowning through that phone screen. Because… the affront.

“Hoseok!”

_“You are. Why do you hate it? People don’t know it’s about us. It’s a nice song.”_

To be fair, he didn’t _hate_ it. It’s just…

“What if- God, I thought… Well, I never thought… It’d be… successful? That people would start referring it as ‘the summer’s love song’? What the f-”

_“Well, they’re not wrong. I definitely love you.”_

For fuck’s sake.

Genuinely ruined, Hyungwon knew he wouldn’t be able to do anything with how much he was blushing.

“Aww…” Truly, Gunhee was really the personification of a pain in the ass. “The nation’s couple!”

Firm believer in trusting his instincts, Hyungwon was fast in snatching the clipboard Gunhee used to shield himself and flung it at his face, storming out before his face could get any redder. The pained high-pitched yell Gun let out was his only satisfaction.

 

 

_GUNHEE YOU’RE A DEAD SON OF A BITCH_

[09:59 am]

 **Joohoney** : I got here now and hyungwon was fuming on his way out

 **Joohoney** : also heard a scream coming from gun’s office im legit worried

 **Stupid Hamster** : is he dead or nah

 **America’s true love** : BITCH I MIGHT NOT BE but he gave me a bruise in the face

 **Stupid Hamster** : tragic

 **America’s true love** : that’s why you’re my fave hyung @Hoseok <3

 **America’s true love** : thank god hyungwon is whipped or i’d be dead for real

 

_Trophy wife changed the group’s name to: Hoseok let me kill Gun Challenge: failed_

 

 **America’s true love** : *whip sound effect*

 **Hoseok** : Don’t make me regret it

 

 

“Baby.”

“Spoilsport.”

The clatter of Hoseok’s bag, being idly laid down on the center table, forced him to keep focus on the boring work things he read on his laptop; of course he was already kind of prepared to be a bit extra, but with some realistic annoyance.

However, he chuckled at Hyungwon, whom had his back given to the entrance of their apartment.

“Mom told me about earlier. Was all because of that?”

Hyungwon turned his torso around so fast he could’ve gone full The Exorcist.

“The betrayal is limitless!” He huffed, pointing a pen at his boyfriend. “It’s Gun’s fault, you didn’t have to meddle in.”

A terrible development in their relationship was that Hoseok knew what his smile did to Hyungwon, and the asshole knew how to use it to his advantage. The one his boyfriend displayed at that moment that could’ve made Hyungwon faint if he was standing up; eyes crinkling at the size of his grin, Hoseok tilted his head a bit while sauntered to join him in the couch.

_Fuck._

The fact that they were already 6 months into their relationship seemed a bit surreal to Hyungwon, especially when he tried to think about the timeline of events in their lives. Not that he’d ever admit in front of his idiotic friends, but it did sound a bit more dramatic than it should be for an ordinary person to experience. All those roads taken led to Hoseok, thus Hyungwon had nothing to complain about that.

Before he could get lost in his musings, he was brought back to reality by quivering under his boyfriend’s touch; wrapping his arms around Hyungwon’s waist, the man brought him closer to bury his face on Hyungwon’s neck, which caused his laptop to almost crash on the floor.

“I missed you.” Hoseok’s gruff voice on his skin almost got a moan out of him. “You gotta reduce your murder attempts against our friends.”

“They’re-” Hyungwon hissed when a pair of lips began advance down his neck. “You can’t say _those_ things in front of them. It mollifies me.”

Changing directions, one of his boyfriend’s hand slid to scratch his inner thigh; yet, the man laughed at his assertion.

“That’s the point. I can’t kiss you like this if you’re in jail.”

No one could say that Hoseok didn’t know how to prove his argument.

Hyungwon’s natural instinct, along with groaning, was to quickly stretch a hand to grab Hoseok’s nape to rush that devouring; Hoseok smelled so good for someone who spent an entire day inside a clinic. Before he could become a gasping mess, Hyungwon recalled something important.

“Hoseok… If I… If I fail, you will still love me, right?”

That was a major buzzkill and he knew that, but nothing was needed more in his life than a bit more assurance.

Whirling Hyungwon on his side to have a better look of him, Hoseok looked stupefied.

“I will love you no matter what happens. Why…?”

“It’s next week.” Only the thought of it scared and excited him, but it was still terrifying. “The _thing_. Initiation. What if I can’t handle it? I’m afraid I’ll freak out. I’m _afraid_ , period.”

“Hyungwonnie. Hold my hand.”

The younger man did as if he was told to.

“Do you see that?” His boyfriend observed their tangled fingers, a perpetual nice vision. “Our hands, like this. I’ll _never_ let go. Things may be hard at the beginning, but you can do it. I’l be holding your hand. I’ll be there for you.”

Hyungwon was glad Hoseok could offer precisely what he needed to hear, without the need for him to speak more about it.

Quietly, Hyungwon let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, resting his foreheard against his boyfriend’s. Even though his relief was just temporary, it was enough for the moment.

“I love you, Hoseok.”

The blond man snorted.

“What a coincidence. I love you too.”

 

 

Considering that the carpet being tortured by his boyfriend’s feet was sort of brand new, Hoseok was really worried that the man would end up making a hole on it with his anxious pacing. Witnessing that, Hoseok was glad he took a day off to accompany Hyungwon, but nothing he said soothed his worries. In his 10th attempt to calm him down, Hoseok took a seat near the younger man by his table; the room Hyungwon chose to be his office was especially small considering that he owned a five-floor building.

“I’m a fiasco, right? I knew it, I shouldn’t have-”

Uncrossing his legs, Hoseok looked up in disbelief to face his boyfriend.

“It has been a week, Hyungwon. You’ve been doing just fine.”

“Yes! Right!” There was a lot of sarcasm in his euphoria; it was starting to truly worry him. “It’s not like… I never did this before and- I… sure, of course. For how long I have to stay like this to be considered a failure?”

Due the significance of the matter, Hoseok wasn’t going to point out that his boyfriend was exaggerating a little about it, but his apprehension was a bit justified. Since the beginning of the works in the Sakura Season — yes, that’s how Hyungwon named it, and did a really good job in making his hear flutter — the pace inside the organization had been a bit slow because of some legal matters and a few community hurdles. However, nothing that could cause a giant disaster as Hyungwon made it seem like it.

“You have a good staff. A nice installment. You filled all the legal requirements, built and shared the concept you wanna follow. Why would you fail?”

Hyungwon let out a dry chuckle.

“Have you met me? I have the Midas touch for ruination.”

Hoseok knew the man was a bundle of nerves the past days regarding the planning for the organization’s future and its financial implications; the younger started even mumbling on his sleep about it. Above all, he knew his boyfriend’s tendency to overthink, a dangerous combination to the expectation rising inside his mind.

Exhaling noisily, Hoseok gestured for Hyungwon to come in his direction. Once he was in front of him, it was easy to tug him down by the arm to sit on his lap.

“Baby, I know it sucks to hear this… but you gotta chill a bit. You’ll give yourself a heart attack this way. Hyung will be here soon. For me, uh? Breath in and our slowly. I got you.”

Hyungwon looked like he was about to snap his neck, but gave in anyway.

“Hoseok…” Groaning as if he was about to cry, the younger man hid his face on Hoseok’s neck. “There’s still time for me to bury myself in the Gobi Desert.”

It didn’t felt quite right, but he had to giggle at his boyfriend’s remark.

“Stop. It won’t-”                                 

A short knock on the door startled the man as if the ground had began quaking, inducing him to hop off of his lap in a matter of seconds.

It didn’t take too long for his brother-in-law to appear at the entrance, quickly bowing at them. Peeking at his nervous boyfriend, Hoseok decided to begin the talk.

“Hello, hyung. How was it?”

At first, his brother-in-law did nothing but taking a seat beside Hoseok, but he noticed the man was waiting for Hyungwon to cross the table and have a seat. Once his boyfriend settled in his leather chair in front of them, Jiho proceeded.

“We have to meet with the other members of the board. It’d be good for them to be informed at the same time as you.”

A few months earlier, word reached LGBT communities all over the country, and outside of it too, of what Hyungwon envisioned to do in his non-profit; quite a surprise since Hyungwon told him he barely spoke with people in this field — outside the non-straight bubble, it’s hard to feel safe to talk about this topic. Not a bad thing, though; 4 people showed interest in actively participating in the organization’s future, and that’s more or less the story of how Hyungwon got partners to share his story.

“Yeah, yeah.” His boyfriend gestured vaguely. “Can you at least tell me if I’m fucked or not?”

Hoseok craned his head to scold the younger man a bit.

“Hyungwon… Manners.”

“Sorry. Sorry, Jiho hyung. But please… tell me or I’m gonna die right here.”

“Well…” Swiftly taking a few folders out of his briefcase, the lawyer started explaining. “The tax-exempt paperwork was accepted with further issues. Also, the annual plan shaped by the board was well redacted so I’m sure we’ll be able to insert the organization’s name well in the charitable association. Even though it’s… different.”

“What about the perspective of fundraising? Are people still being assh-” A quick glance at Hoseok was enough for the younger to mind himself. “Are people still being _challenging_ about it?”

Jiho blankly nodded, going through a couple of folders. A specific paper was highlighted on his hands.

“About that…” Without much enthusiasm, his boyfriend received it. “I got it yesterday. You should take a good look.”

Nearly an entire minute later, Hyungwon’s mindful reading of entire document got a very heartfelt response out of him.

“WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU SHITTING ME?”

He dated an incorrigible man.

“Hoseok. Look at this.”

It wasn’t need for him to reach out for the paper, for Hyungwon held it right in front of his face.

A donation.

Of a half-million dollars. Dollars.

Hoseok was way too flabbergasted to question anything about that, but the younger man promptly did.

“Who?”

“Mrs. Kunakorn and her wife. They told me to tell you they believe you’ll do great for the youth of this country, and wanted to show support. They also put in good word for you with their connections in Korea.”

Appearance quite stunned yet, Hyungwon gazed at the paper and then at his lawyer, back and forth, a few times; not even Hoseok was really sure if what he just saw was real. Never in his life he saw so many zeros that meant something.

“Okay…” Hyungwon cleared his throat. “Tell them… Thanks? Also, there’s something I’d like to discuss and I think you already know what it is. About you, working for me.”

Jiho calmly assented.

“Yes. I believe you’ll need more of legal help in the future, and with the work at the Royal…”

“Yeah, yeah. It’d be nice if you could recommend me a nice lawyer, you know… a non-bigot one.”

“Actually…” The older man scratched his nape, a bit awkwardly. “I’d like to work here, if you allow me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy working for Mrs. Kunakorn, but it takes too much of my time. I want to spend more time with the family now that there’s another baby on the way.”

His brother-in-law was startled by their unison yell.

“WHAT?”

“Oh…” Jiho’s disconcert would’ve been funny if he wasn’t truly baffled. “I imagined Sehee had told you. But yes…”

“I can’t believe it.” Hoseok felt beyond betrayed. “My own sister didn’t tell me I’m going to be an uncle again. I’m going to pester her for the rest of our lives because of this.”

“It’s rather perplexing. Right, Hoseok?” Supporting his chin up on an elbow, Hyungwon amusedly glanced at him. “Straight people sleep together and BAM! They make a new person. It’s a terrifying idea. I love kids, though.”

The other men bursted into laughter, and Hoseok’s boyfriend followed them. Now that Hyungwon’s worries lessened a little, it was good to see him smiling.

“You’ll be a hit in our family’s parties, baby.”

 

 

_Hoseok let me kill Gun Challenge: failed_

[12:47 pm]

 **Trophy wife** : It doesn’t happen everyday so lemme just drop the info that I got half-million dollars

_Trophy wife sent a screenshot._

**Trophy wife** : good afternoon

 **Stupid Hamster** : EXCUSE ME BITCH

 **Stupid Hamster** : CONTEXT????

 **Trophy wife** : No :)

 **weirdest maknae** : inheritance or sugar daddy

 **Trophy wife** : fuck off changkyun

 **Hoseok** : You really paused lunch to send a picture of Daran’s donation

 **Trophy wife** : shut up I’m happy

 **Minhyukkie** : LESBIANS ARE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD

 **Hoseok** : real

 **Hoseok** : also my sister is having another baby

 **Minhyukkie** : AAAAAAAAA CONGRATS!!!!!! I WANNA SEE IT

 **Trophy wife** : Not born yet, Minhyuk

 **Stupid Hamster** : the heterosexuals back at it again

 **Hoseok** : honestly it startles me sometimes how Kihyun and Hyungwon make the same comments about stuff

 **weirdest maknae** : ikr its like they’re mentally connected twinsies

 **Trophy wife** : then why Kihyun is so short

 **Stupid Hamster** : because your height compensates for your stupidity

 

 

_SEPTEMBER, 2020_

A few things angered Hyungwon more than being outside on a cold night, precisely in this order: sleeping less than 8 hours, getting stuck in traffic jam, being touched without consent and forgetting his headphones at home. At the given moment, the universe wasn’t too keen of being helpful since 2 of those things happened at the same time — while they were currently stuck in traffic, with a Hyungwon with no headphones in hands, or ears. Hoseok could almost grasp in the air the effort his boyfriend was making to not have a breakdown.

It was barely 06:00 pm, but the sky drowned in grayish layers limited seen through windshield, vanishing behind dozens of cars in the street; the dusk was almost inexistent, as if the icy weather stole its light to power the wind. That entire situation was making Hoseok uncomfortable; peeking a bit to peek at Hyungwon, beside him in the passenger seat, it was clear that the man seemed to have run out of every drop of patience inside him, which led to Hoseok’s uncertain statement about their current destination.

“I’m sure it’s not shenanigans this time.”

Not that Hyungwon bought it, of course.

“You know it is.” For the 50th time that hour alone, the younger man sighed. “Every damn time we go to Minhyuk’s apartment is because of some overdramatic shit. If you weren’t so vexed…”

Indeed. Minhyuk sounded strange on the phone, though, when he called Hoseok a couple of hours before.

“Maybe he just needs a bit of cheer up.” He extended a hand for his boyfriend, and the latter leisurely took it, sinking on his seat. “We’ll be home faster than you think.”

 

It’d be nice for Hoseok to be right, for a change.

On the way to Minhyuk’s apartment, he tried to think what could possible have occurred for his friend to ask him to come over. There was something in the cracks of his momentary silences on the phone that felt out of place, but Hoseok couldn’t really tell what it meant.

If Minhyuk managed to fake it well on the call, the same effort wasn’t put on his figure standing on the door, greeting Hyungwon and him with a swollen face and wrinkled yellow pajamas.

The man stared at Hoseok’s boyfriend, then at him, and simply walked back inside his apartment. The look he shared with Hyungwon, still at the entrance, established that that was creepy as hell.

While Hyungwon closed the door as they made their way inside, Hoseok carefully trailed behind Minhyuk, pausing to sit on the couch at the same time his friend did. Something was wrong, and the possibilities that went through Hoseok’s head were killing him. Minhyuk hugged his legs, dipping them into his chest, giving a clear impression that his friend didn’t quite know in which reality he was.

_Christ._

The hustle and bustle of Seoul filled the room for a while, only broken up for Hoseok’s perception of Hyungwon’s heavy breathing behind him. It wasn’t necessary to look at his boyfriend to know he was floating in anxiety; he shouldn’t have brought him, but not was too late to avoid it.

Trying to sound as collected as possible, Hoseok tried to reach out.

“Minhyukkie. What’s going on?”

If it had been creepy before, the way his best friend leisurely craned his head in his direction sure outdid the previous situation. A few seconds later, he muttered something in such a low tone it almost passed unnoticed.

“Hyung… He-”

“Talk to me. I can’t help if you don’t…”

“Hyung…” The man broke into sobs so bad it was a bit hard to form sentences. “He- He- He’s enlisting. He wants to.”

“Hyunwoo?”

Minhyuk confirmed with a nod.

It wasn’t exactly a distress, but Hoseok had been thinking about that, sometimes, since he got back with Hyungwon. In a few years he wouldn’t he able to escape the enlistment, and it concerned him how his boyfriend would take it.

“Minhyukkie… you know this was bound to happen. What did he say?”

“This morning…” His best friend rubbed his face with his forearm before going on. “He said it. He was thinking… it was a good moment for that. And I didn’t- I just said ‘Okay, sure’, but he asked me if I was really okay… I said I was gonna think about it, and we’d talk about it more later. This was the only thing in my mind today, don’t know how I managed to work… Just thinking about that makes my heart hurt.”

Hyungwon’s voice behind him was faster in replying.

“You’ll have to enlist too, you know.”

“Yes!” Minhyuk looked up to stare at Hyungwon almost offended. “But… I’m afraid. It’s 2 years apart. For each of us. What if… Things change? What if he decides it’s better to break up, that he wants other things? It’s a long time, people…. change.”

Something in Hyungwon’s sigh, when Hoseok shifted on the sofa a bit to have a good vision of his boyfriend, reflected a bit of guilt.

“Yeah, but you’ll spend all the other years together. Hyung loves you.”

Minhyuk’s voice cut through the brief quietness with so much intensity it kinda scared the blond man a bit.

“What if Hoseok told you he was going to enlist soon? Or if you had to enlist now? You wouldn’t be this calm. I’m afraid it will weaken our relationship.”

The air in that room became so rarefied that Hoseok held his breath for a bit, slowly stirring to gaze at Hyungwon. The man’s expression hinted he was conflicted with his response.

“Already tried to enlist when I turned 20, dismissed because of my knee injury. Anyways… Minhyuk, what I mean is… it’ll happen, either you like it or not. And of course I wouldn’t take it well if it was Hoseok. I believe he’ll come back to me, though, like always did. Hyunwoo hyung gave you nothing but proof that he loves you, and I’m sure he has no intention of letting you go. He gave you a ring, Minhyuk. Trust him.”

Despite the harsh truth being a little too much to handle sometimes, there was such care in those words that defied any exhaustion any of them could be feeling; regarding life, nothing much could be done unless to lean on one another. At last, Hyungwon spared Hoseok a glance, one that sort of asked if he did it well. With a proud smile, the blond man nodded.

For a moment, watching Hyungwon crouching down with his arms around his legs, Hoseok thought the man was going to fall asleep on spot, but his voice became clear again.

“When is hyung coming home? We can stay until he comes back.”

Minhyuk was quick in reacting.

“Nah. I think… I need to be alone a bit. I’ll talk with him again later. Thank you.” The man whimpered a bit, moving forward to hug Hoseok. “Thanks for coming. I love you guys. Wonnie, hold it.”

Their friend stretched an arm for Hyungwon to grab his hand. The latter huffed, but wasn’t able to reject.

It’s almost cliché to say that just surviving demands an unthinkable labor for their generation, but it’d be alright as long as they had each other; the benefit of nurturning close friendships keep them going, trying to ignore the judging eyes of the baby boomers. Hoseok was certain of their loyalty as much he was sure death would come for him, one day. Even if the roads they’d take eventually led them to different fates, their bond was everlasting; their friendship endured terrible hardships, and endured because they were together, because they had each other’s back. Hoseok trusted his brothers, and Hyungwon, with his life and that made every thing in the world a bit more tolerable.

_I am home._

 

 

“Was that serious?”

Hyungwon slept on the right side of their bed. For no other reason than to avoid the sunlight busting through the biggest window on the room — he’d usually either hide behind Hoseok’s back or snuggle his face into his boyfriend’s neck; anything that made all that light go away was valid. That particular day, his strategic spot didn’t do much for him,

Outside the blankets was especially gloomy, so it wasn’t disturbing Hyungwon too much to have his bedroom conquered by the faint sunlight. What did disturb him was his boyfriend pushing Hyungwon off of his chest to question him, even though Hoseok knew he didn’t function well in the morning.

He loved Hoseok, but for the moment he decided to ignore him and drift back to dreamland, pressing a pillow over his head. The man didn’t give up, though.

“Hyungwonnie. Baby. Baby.” Hyungwon could hear the muffled whining more than he wished to, because he knew he couldn’t resist that. “ _Baby_ …”

“WHAT DO YOU-” Don’t be a dick, his brain recommended. He shouldn’t be too angry, so he toned his voice down. “What is it?”

“I asked if you were serious. Yesterday, about the enlistment.” Hoseok dragged him closer by the waist, playing with the hem of his sweater. “Are you okay with it?”

Far from that. It couldn’t be changed, or evaded, so the only thing Hyungwon could do was to try to survive. To wait for him when time comes, just like Hoseok waited for them to be together again.

“I…” Words were really complicated to deal with at that ungodly hour (around 08:00 am). “Don’t you know me? I’ll cry like a dumb idiot for hours when you leave. Yeah, I know you’ll come back to me.”

Hyungwon had only one eye open, but watching Hoseok smiling like a kid that just got a candy made him want to kiss his entire face. That man had to ruin the moment, though.

“Even if a war breaks out and I have to serve for more time?”

For the love of God, he wasn’t ready to deal with that type of tomfoolery when he could be sleeping. Stirring a bit in the older’s arms, he didn’t put much strength when he slapped Hoseok’s neck.

“Not on my fucking watch. I’ll kill everybody here if I have to. I don’t care about the army. We’re going to live until we’re old as fuck and our kids start having their own kids.”

Without a hint of doubt, Hoseok knew that he meant that. In the end, he chuckled, moving Hyungwon to be sat on their bed, but the latter hardly noticed, closing his other eye again.

“Kids?”

_Shit._

That’s why he shouldn’t say anything while dozing off.

Doing his best acting to pretend he was asleep, Hyungwon inclined his head back to almost touch a pillow.

“Lemme sleep.”

It wouldn’t be that easy after he released the kraken.

“No, wait. You want to have kids with me, you said it.”

By the way his boyfriend hoisted him nearer, that wouldn’t end anytime soon. Why does Hoseok happen to good people who just want to take a good 12 hours’ nap?

“We’re men, Hoseok.” Hyungwon raised an eyebrow at him. “Don’t think the science advanced that much.”

“We can always adopt. From adopted kids to adoptive parents. Just parents.” His goofy grin didn’t help the younger man to feel annoyed. “Nice, right?”

_You’d be an amazing father. A kind, loving one._

“Not that deep.” Hyungwon cleared his throat, looking for an escape route. “Stop talking about kids and lemme sleep, for the love of God.”

“You _did_ say you want to have my babies.”

“I’m- Shut up. I already take care of kids.”

Hoseok had the courage to pout.

“So you do not want to raise kids with me?”

“I want stab you so bad, Hoseok. But I don’t want to live without you, so please leave me alone.”

“Aww…” Hoseok gave him a peck on the cheek, still not helping Hyungwon’s outrage. “You’re so cute. You don’t want to live without me.”

His boyfriend had the habit to say Hyungwon was lucky he loved him, but only at that moment Hyungwon understood what meant to love someone and still want to drop kick them out of the window. But, not doing because, you know… love.

“Fuck you, I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

Unleashing Hoseok’s hold on him, the raven-haired sheltered himself with one of the comforters and made a move to get up.

“YAH.” His boyfriend yanked him down on bed again by the arm. “You have to go to work. Let’s shower.”

“No.”

“Okay then.”

Truth is Hyungwon didn’t have enough energy to fight back, not even to yelp, when the man picked him up bridal style. He just gave up, dramatically throwing his head back.

Hoseok put him down once they reached the bathroom’s door.

“I’m going to sleep in the shower.”

Warm hands almost burned him when touched Hyungwon’s stomach under his sweater; his eyes widened out of reflex at that dirt move. Hoseok seemed pleased with the result of his actions.

“Are you sure?”

His boyfriend’s hands wandered higher and Hyungwon gasped like the dumbass he was. It didn’t help that the blond man was already shirtless.

“Prick.”

All Hoseok did was snort, quickly moving to plant a long kiss on his neck.

“Good morning, baby.”

 

“You can’t leave me.”

His friend tried to get away from his embrace, but Hyungwon tightened it by throwing a leg over Kihyun. It was only 09:30 pm, and yet he already felt like entering into a short coma; before he could fall asleep, though, the little bug that had been itching him for the past days rose again to the top of his anxiety mountain.

“I’m just going to grab my phone.”

“No, idiot. Not that.” Kihyun’s bed was comfy as hell, but every time Hyungwon remembered that he shared it with Changkyun, he lamented having a rich imagination. “You can’t go to the army until Hoseok comes back. I can’t stay without you two at the same time.”

On his peripheral vision, Hyungwon saw the man shifting his arms to tickle stomach, which made him finally let go of Kihyun, now sitting cross-legged by his side.

“Is this because of Hyunwoo hyung? Stop overthinking shit, Chae Hyungwon.”

“I mean it, Kihyun. You can’t leave me at the same time as him. You’re two are basically 90% of my self-restraint instincts. I could end up dead, or worse.”

“Oh… You know…” On his way to mirror his friend’s position, he saw the latter fidgeting his trousers, which he only did when… doubtful. “We were thinking of enlisting together. Changkyun and I. 3 years from now. So it’s likely I will be here when Hoseok enlists.”

For someone who panicked every time the commitment topic was mentioned back in college, his best friend sure changed a lot since he met his boyfriend.

“Look at you, Yoo Kihyun. Planning a future with the maknae. If I told you that 4 years ago, you would slap me so hard I’d break an arm.”

Kihyun rolled his eyes at him, unbothered.

“I could say the same about you, Turtle. But you’re a whipped bitch, so it ain’t a surprise.”

“Dipshit.” They chuckled at the same time. “Seriously, Kihyun. Promise me. You… protected me… my entire life. I feel like I’ll really die if you leave me too.”

In all those years of friendship, Hyungwon had never seen the brown-haired staring at him with such bewilderment, and a tad of disbelief.

“Don’t be silly. You’d live just fine.”

The man wasn’t fathoming the extent of his feelings.

“No. I hate changes, you know that. Despite you being an irksome controlling idiot, you’re my best friend since I was 7 years old, and really lonely before I met you. I know we’re all best friends with each other, but you’re like… my platonic soulmate. Don’t make me regret saying this, but… it’s true. You made me the person I am today. I know I never… but I’m forever indebted to you, for being you. For not giving up on me when I was being an asshole, for giving me the only good memories I have from my childhood. For being there for me when I needed you the most. Thank you. So yeah… seriously. Promise me you won’t leave.”

Getting into this subject wasn’t easy for Hyungwon, especially when his memories weren’t amusing and… he didn’t mean to say all those things in one go, but his mouth just kept spitting sentences and Hyungwon wasn’t lying. A huge part of his personality was built around the things Kihyun taught him since their childhood; that little shit meant a lot to him, but their method of showing affection was, usually, through teasing and name callings; it’s kind of understandable why that made the atmosphere in his friend’s bedroom rather awkward.

Self-doubt started creeping inside his brain and maybe he just should’ve kept his mouth shut after the “best friend” thing to avoid being ridiculous; now it was too late and… Hyungwon didn’t know how to react, so he left it to Kihyun to take care of — as he did most of the time throughout their lives.

A very earnest hug of a crying Kihyun was not what he expected.

His best friend’s body even quivered from all that weeping.

“Stop crying.” Hyungwon reciprocated the embrace, patting the man’s back. “You’ll make me cry too.”

Kihyun pulled away fast, unaffected by the tears still rolling down his face, lips trembling a bit as he began to speak.

“You’re an oblivious idiot. You kill me, brat. But I love you, and I know you can do anything you want because I raised this damn moron in front of me. You’re my brother, I’d do anything for you. I know I… I’m proud of you. Of everything you’ve accomplished.” In one go, Kihyun wiped his tears off with his sweater’s sleeve. “ _Fine_ , I promise. I won’t leave until Hoseok comes back. Are you happy now?”

Not really, since that little shit made Hyungwon start crying without a warning from his body.

Without hesitation, the older pulled him back into his embrace.

“Gosh, come here.”

Another odd event was that Hyungwon expected to sob even more once he pressed his face against Kihyun’s chest, but it was quite the contrary; a surge of peace covered him from head to toe. It was such a comfy moment that he didn’t even became aware of a third presence in the room.

“Cheating on me in my own bed.” The dumb youngest had his hands on his hips like an overzealous teacher. The grin in his face should’ve alerted Hyungwon. “I might as well join it.”

Far from the comfort he felt just a minute ago, Hyungwon was thrown on his back in bed by the damn maknae, whom clung to his torso like a koala on top of him.

That was why they couldn’t have nice things.

In an effort to break free, he started slapping the maknae.

“Get off, midget!”

But the man only giggled at him.

“We’re having a moment here, hyung. Shhh.”

Kihyun, instead of being the grown-up, decided to join his boyfriend in that smothering by jumping on top of both of them.

“Kihyun!”

His best friend graced him a flick on the forehead.

“Feel our love, bitch.”

 

_Hoseok let me kill Gun Challenge: failed_

[09:56 pm]

 **Trophy wife** : Help send pest control there’s a cockroach behind me

 **Trophy wife** :

**weirdest maknae** : lmaoooooo ki drop kicked hyungwon out of the couch

 **Hoseok** : That’s cute uwu

 **Hoseok** : The picture, I mean

 **weirdest maknae** : they were cryin when i got home some real emo hours happened here

 **weirdest maknae** : professing their feelings for each other right in front of my salad its over for us hoes @Hoseok

 **Hoseok** : speak for yourself

 **Trophy wife** : You have no evidence of that so shut up

 **Trophy wife** : Are you home @Hoseok?

 **Hoseok** : Yup. Mom sent some food you like, and I bought the shampoo you asked

 **America’s true love** : #DOMESTICWONSEOK

 **Hyunwoo hyung** : Minhyuk is eating but he asked me to say, quote: “Ice sculptured heart”

 **Hoseok** : ???

 **America’s true love** : hes giving u guys an ice sculptured heart when you two get married

 **Trophy wife** : I’ll shove it in the oven

 **America’s true love** : so you’re confirming the #wonseokwedding

 **Trophy wife** : The only confirmed thing here is your dismemberment. Soon.

 **Stupid Hamster** : pay up bitches i told yall he wouldn’t last a week without threatening gunhee

 **Joohoney** : WE WERE SO CLOSE FFS

 **Trophy wife** : STOP MAKING BETS ABOUT MY LIFE

 **Stupid Turtle** : i’ll buy u tteokbokki tomorrow w/ the money

 **Trophy wife** : ……………………fine

 **America’s true love** : I feel a scamming disturbance in the gay force

 **Trophy wife** : its your reflection in the mirror

 

_OCTOBER, 2020_

Korea was getting way colder than it had been in the previous years — people didn’t take global warning as serious as they should, and now it was Hyungwon who had to suffer such hefty cold disgrace. Once out of the elevator, he practically ran towards his apartment’s door, typing the passcode as quick as he could to be engulfed by the house heating.

His eyes slid into nothing but obscurity as he stepped inside his apartment; even the windows’ curtains were fully closed, blocking the moonlight from adorning the living room with its presence.

Hand tapping on the wall to find the light switch, Hyungwon was more unprepared than he should to be struck by all that clarity; he was fast to scan the house for any sign of his boyfriend or their cat, though.

“Hoseok?”

It spread across the silence, and noiseless it remained. Perhaps his boyfriend was already in deep sleep.

Tossing his crossbody bag on the couch, Hyungwon stopped on his tracks on his way to the bedroom when he heard a feeble whimper coming from the kitchen, that also had lights off before his arrival.

“Hoseok?”

A part of him wished he had kept the place in the dark.

On the floor, leaning against the wall opposite to the sink, his boyfriend had his legs pressed against his chest, sobbing with all the strength in his body.

Hyungwon wasn’t overstating not even a bit when affirming he didn’t see anything else, even if there was something else to notice.

Sure, his boyfriend had cried a lot in front of him before; when they watched movies, when the man was too happy about something or when Hyungwon got sick… things like that. Every single one of Hoseok’s features would turn into a bright summer day once Hyungwon made a dumb joke, soothing his heart.

What he beheld wasn’t like any of that.

His legs only knew the path towards the man he loved, whom cried on their kitchen’s floor so hard his limbs shuddered; the unknown reason Hyungwon already broke his heart.

“What happened? Hoseok?” Throwing himself beside the man, the younger reached out for his hands to get his attention. “Sweetheart, talk to me. I’m here. I’m here with you.”

The weeping echoed through the walls as the saddest song on Earth, postponing any anxiety attack that Hyungwon could possibly have in that moment. It was the moment to be needed, not to need.

Hyungwon wanted it to be just one of his nightmares, but the reality verified itself with every tear Hoseok shed. It took his boyfriend a while to cool himself as much as he could, which wasn’t much; quiet tears kept falling from his face to wet his lapis lazuli shirt when he craned his head to face Hyungwon.

“I… I’m lost.” The sorrow in his eyes hurt like a punch. “I think… I failed.”

“Failed what? No, wait. Let’s go to bed first, okay? Come with me.”

Even if Hyungwon got no response, his boyfriend didn’t fight back when he was pulled up to stand on his feet; with one arm clasping Hoseok’s waist to support him, Hyungwon gathered all his inner strength to not start sobbing too. It was harder than one could imagine.

With an unusual knowledge, he could only watch his boyfriend in the same state as him when Hyungwon tended to dissociate.

Once they sat in bed, Hyungwon pulled up the sleeves of his shirt and rubbed the tears off of the blond’s face.

“What-”

“A kid.” Hoseok’s croaky voice resonated through the room like a declaration. “One of my patients’ younger sister. I… We talked, sometimes, when she brought my patient to the appointments. The kid came in last week to… She wanted advice. How to tell her parents she… she isn’t…”

“Straight.”

“Yeah. I… I said she…” Hoseok barely moved, but his eyes wandered to gaze at the floor. “Her sister, my patient, she’s… challenging. So I imagined the rest of her family was too. I told the girl to be careful about how or when to tell… My… patient… I can’t tell much about her because of… But… I received a call earlier. My… patient. She had an episode and… stabbed her sister because the girl told them…”

Hyungwon’s hands fell from his boyfriend’s with the weight of an anchor.

“Holy shit.”

“I should’ve noticed something.” His voice got higher while hugging his legs again. “My patient’s behavior, or something she said… I missed it. If I had-”

One could say that he was unmindful of someone’s feelings, but Hyungwon wasn’t going to let that bullshit even start. Not fucking way.

“No, no, no. Stop right there. It’s not your fault. Stop it. You can’t predict when people will go full batshit crazy.”

“But I encouraged the girl to tell her family, Hyungwon. How am I not at fault? If she hadn’t-”

“You’re not responsible for other people’s choices. Advices aren’t orders, and as terrible as it may sound, it was the girl’s choice. She didn’t deserve what… _that_ , but I will not let you do this to yourself.”

“I feel like shit.” Hoseok rubbed his face with his hands and suddenly Hyungwon was very self-aware of his lack of tact. “I feel like I could’ve done something to… stop this.”

“How… The girl…”

“Hospital. Pretty bad. I went to see her… Fuck, Hyungwon, not even her family was there. Probably because of what she told them. I feel like I did that to her as much as her sister.”

Every time those guilty words came out of his boyfriend’s mouth, Hyungwon wanted to scream out of frustration. He needed to do something.

“Stop it. You were nice to her, she trusted you enough to ask for guidance. It’s not your fault her family is full of assholes. Which hospital?”

“Yeouido.”

Taking his phone out of his trousers’ pocket was very out of instinct, but suddenly, Hyungwon had an idea. The man, one of his work partners, answered faster than he expected on a Thursday night.

_“Hello.”_

“Minhyung, it’s me. Are you busy?”

His coworker, just a few years older than Hyungwon, cleared his throat, filling the other side of the line with his husky voice.

_“No, just finishing some stuff in the office. What’s up?”_

“I need a favor. Go to the Yeouido Hospital and request the Child Protective Service if they didn’t do it already. There’s a girl- Wait. Hoseok, what’s her name?”

“Park Hyebin. 15 years old.”

“Park Hyebin, a 15-year-old girl. You’ll know her situation when you get there.”

_“Got it. But I should I do next? Try to contact a relative?”_

“Not yet. Transfer her to a private room, I’ll pay. I think the police won’t be really there, so ask the CPS to get a security guard from the hospital to keep an eye on her. I’ll be there early tomorrow, but please call me if there’s any news.”

_“Sure thing. Sounds bad, uh? Don’t worry, I’ll stay with her.”_

“Thanks, Minhyung hyung. I owe you one. See you tomorrow.”

Gradually, the dejection crept into his chest until the only thing Hyungwon could do was toss his phone on the bedside table and go back to hug his boyfriend; the man seemed a bit dazzled about what had just ensued.

“She will get better. She’ll get the best treatment.” His hands moved to hold Hoseok’s face, resting his forehead against his boyfriend’s. “I’ll do everything in my power to help her, trust me.”

As he snuggled into his neck, Hoseok shook his head in confirmation.

“I do. I do.”

For someone that had, mayhaps, a body mass twice bigger than his, Hoseok felt strangely tiny in his arms; Hyungwon’s fingers drew different forms on his boyfriend’s skin, feeling a bit less like he was going to have a stroke after hearing Hoseok’s sort of relieved sigh.

Minutes of cuddling later, the blond addressed him again.

“Thank you.” His voice was muffled, but Hyungwon heard it well. “I feel… safer now that you’re here.”

In terms of acknowledging his character development, Hyungwon was still very uncertain of how to react — what do agree with; he wanted to say it was his duty, or that he’d do anything for Hoseok… the jamming of words across his throat almost made him gag, so he just hummed in response.

Hyungwon motioned with his head towards Hoseok’s side of the bed. A sluggish kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead was the warmest experience of that night.

“Try to sleep a bit. I’ll watch over you.”

 

 

Even though nothing about that resembled something ethereal, it all felt like a tremendously long bad dream that Hoseok couldn’t wake up from; so… reality it was. To say that Hyebin’s situation shattered his soul was an understatement; he felt like wanting to exit his own body to avoid having to see his reflection in the mirror, to briefly quit knowing who he was. Most of the days, Hyungwon was the only reason he actually got out of bed to wander around the apartment — his boyfriend even called Hoseok’s sisters one time he spent an entire day without eating, alone at home. His family and friends began rotate shifts to visit him so Hoseok was no longer alone for too long and… the caring was appreciated, but he just couldn’t manage to muster a proper answer to it. As a psychologist, Hoseok knew that what he was feeling could be easily read as a depressive episode, but Hoseok just… didn’t care about what it was doing to him.

Solitude did no good in the long run, but that was what he craved the most; Hyungwon wished to spent more time by his side, and yet Hoseok insisted the man shouldn’t abandon his responsibilities for him. Ever since the day Child Protective Service took over the girl’s case, in his routine was included calling the hospital for updates on her case at least twice a day, despite his desire of going there. The guilty overwhelming him was stronger and his days blended together in a mixture he could hardly tell apart.

Under the white covers, watching the sunlight form different silhouettes athwart the roof, Hoseok contemplated once more what he should do when a hand snatched the blanket away from him. Dark locks hovered over his face, accompanied by a loving and gritty smile.

“Rise and shine, Shin Hoseok.”

All that sudden brightness upset his retinas for a moment, so Hoseok covered them with his hand. His boyfriend wasn’t satisfied, though.

“Get up and get dressed. You have somewhere to go.”

Tilting his head a little, he squinted at Hyungwon, the most non-morning person in the world, that now compelled him to get out of bed too damn early.

“Where?”

The younger had his back turn to him while picked up a few clothes from the floor.

“Hospital. She woke up.”

A quick look at the calendar established 3 weeks passed since the accident, and the news Hoseok got daily were quite auspicious, but he didn’t imagine she’d be well enough to receive visitors.

“I don’t…”

“You’re going.” Hyungwon affirmed. Nothing in his voice before sounded like a request. “I have somewhere to go first, but I’ll head there straightaway. Do you want me to call someone to accompany you?”

“No…”

His mind told him to panic, but he resolved save it for later. Clearing his troat, Hoseok gazed at his boyfriend letting all his tension show up in his face.

“Hyungwonnie… What if…”

A gentle kiss on his forehead was Hyungwon’s first response, but not last.

“It’ll be okay, my love. Call me if you need something. It’s about time.”

 

His hand on the doorknob quivered like tree leaves on a windy autumn day, but there was nothing appealing about his situation. Opening the door to Hyebin’s room was proving to be a very tough task, mainly because Hoseok was letting all the fear in him take over his mind. Anyone would think it was kind of stupid of him to be so afraid to face a teenager, but maybe… maybe he wasn’t the person that girl needed to see or hear in her current condition; he didn’t want to cause any damage, but at last knocked before entering, anyway.

The first sound that reached Hoseok’s ears came from a TV in front of Hyebin’s bed, exhibiting some morning drama he didn’t knew by name, but had a few famous actors; the boredom in the girl’s face hinted she wasn’t very keen about it, though. His presence put a pair of eyes on him, alongside a timid smile.

Hyebin’s dark brown hair, close to touch her shoulders in length, made her look even paler than she naturally was; at least the girl didn’t seem entirely devoided of life when Hoseok paid attention to the details of her face.

Surprisingly for someone in that condition, she was the one to talk first.

“Hey there.”

That gave him confidence to take a few steps forward.

“How…” What should Hoseok ask? She wasn’t fine. She wasn’t feeling well, nobody in her place would. “How you doing?”

Putting a lot of energy on her arms to sit up in bed, Hyebin laid a protective hand over her stomach when signalized for him to come forward.

“Felt worse, but… less bad now. Thanks for coming. It’s not like people are lining up to come see me these days.”

 _Not the time to cry, Hoseok_.

“I… I’m sorry, Hyebin…”

“Nope.” The teenager dismissed him with a hand wave. “Not your fault. I did… what I wanted so… Thanks, anyway. You’re the only person that… you know, supported me. Gosh, I’m hungry. I want some fries.”

Her voice tone in her last sentence was so casual that it didn’t seem she had left ICU just a couple of days ago. Spontaneously, Hoseok chuckled a bit at that, getting closer to her bed.

“You look like someone I know.”

 

The clock struck close to 09:00 am when Hoseok and Hyebin deviated their attention to the knock on the door, which was followed by Hyungwon’s appearance.

He was incredible cute when was a bit awkward in a new ambiance.

“Hi…? Everything alright?”

“Not really.” Hyebin shook her head in his boyfriend’s direction, with a playful mien. “Got stabbed last month.”

Hoseok was so taken aback by that response that he only snapped out of that stunned trance when Hyungwon’s boisterous laughter immersed the room. The other man had tears on his eyes from guffawing too hard when Hoseok decided to scold him.

“Hyungwon!”

“Finally.” Hyebin chuckled, which made her cough a bit. “Someone who appreciates my sense of humor.”

Unconcerned ambling towards them, his boyfriend stood on the opposite side of her bed, aiming a finger at him before speaking.

“Hoseok doesn’t think it’s a nice coping mechanism to joke about traumas. I find it endearing.”

Hyebin craned her head towards Hoseok, with a baffled look.

“He’s handsome.”

“I know. That’s why I date him. His personality isn’t that great.”

“I just got here and you’re slandering me. Anyways, how are you feeling today, Hyebin?”

“I feel like I’m carrying 3 baby aliens in my belly, but the pain isn’t too awful.”

Hyungwon nodded at that.

“I see. I brought you something.”

Taking a small box out of his bag, the taller man handed it to the girl.

“It’s a new phone.” His boyfriend explained. “Your old contacts are there, same number. Also mine and Hoseok’s, if you need something. And the Sakura’s number too. I got your documentation today too, so it’s progressing.”

God, how Hoseok loved that man. If Hyebin wasn’t there, in that state, he would’ve kissed him already.

“Why is it Sakura? The name.”

A chuckle escaped Hyungwon’s mouth.

“That’s how Hoseok calls me.”

“You’d look great with pink hair, by the way.” Hyebin seemed pretty convince. “I almost dyed it, but… I’m not pretty enough for that, like you.”

“Preposterous.” Hyungwon raised an eyebrow, unmoved. “All girls are pretty, that’s the only constant in the universe. Let’s do it when you get out of here, I’ll buy the hair stuff.”

“That doesn’t add up, but whatever floats your boat.”

“Jesus…” Both of them stared at Hoseok when he interrupted their conversation. “You’re another Hyungwon. Are you siblings?”

After the initial confusion, his boyfriend shrugged.

“I wouldn’t rule it out. Remember I was adopted by 2 assholes?”

His tendency to control his behavior worked mostly when Hyungwon was around children, but he’d let loose around teenagers to, according to him, make them feel more at ease. Bullshit, of course.

“You’re such a bad example.”

With nothing much to do but smile, the other man shrugged again. He was about to voice another question when his rang inside the pocket of his coat.

“Excuse me.”

Hyungwon put a short distance between them, answering the phone with sort of an annoying prediction on his face. He didn’t bother to low his voice so they didn’t listen to it.

“What? Are you f-? And I… There’s… Why me? Argh… okay. I said okay, I’ll go. Bye.”

Hoseok frowned at the sight of Hyungwon stomping back towards them.

“What happened?”

“Song Gunhee, tormenting my life again.” It became way funnier when he rolled his eyes. “This idiot fell off the stairs in the studio and broke a leg, just when Jooheon is out of town for the day. Now _I_ have to get him home because Jooheon asked me, and you know I can’t say no to him. Can’t he previously tell me when he intends to die? Ugh.”

Hyungwon was also very cute when being overdramatic.

“Text me later.”

A long whine later, he replied with a scoff.

“Fine. I’m going to break his other leg, but after that, sure.”

“Hyungwon… Be nice.”

“Ugh. Fine.” On his exit the room, he waved goodbye at Hyebin. “Take care.”

His attention went back to the girl in bed once his boyfriend closed the door.

“Hoseok oppa.”

“Yes?”

“I think I fell in love with him a bit, and I’m a lesbian.”

It was Hoseok’s time to snort, staring amusedly at the girl. He couldn’t blame her, though.

 

 

God tested him every day, but that afternoon, particularly, was defying all the killing instincts inside Hyungwon’s body.

He found the imbecile grunting at the infirmary and immediately regretted trying to be a good friend; being targeted as the asshole of that group was kind of his God-given skill, anyways. The small voice of his conscience, that sometimes sounded like Hoseok or Kihyun, compelled him to take care of that situation, even though Hyungwon’s wish was to finish the job and send Gunhee to met the Lord, most likely the devil, in person.

Getting a groggy Gunhee in the elevator, and then inside the man’s apartment was more grueling than he ever thought it could be; his friend clutched his arm so hard it certainly would leave red bruises. Hyungwon was never so grateful for Gunhee and Jooheon’s bedroom to be close to the entrance, freeing himself from that dumbass’s arms when he dropped the man on his bed, face buried in one of the pillows.

“Fuck’s sake, Song Gunhee. Why are you so heavy?”

The man giggled at him like a bratty child, rolling on his back in bed; the ortophedic cast on his left leg made it look like it hurt like hell. Hyungwon and his empathy, back on the bullshit again.

“Thanks, hyung. I was in pain.”

“Stop trying to get yourself killed. Only Jooheon and I can slaughter you.”

“I love affection, hyung…” Gunhee let out a low hiss. “You’re tall. Hurts to look up. Sit down.”

What a nuisance. Hyungwon did as the boy asked, though, immediately being attacked by Gun’s head on his lap.

“I miss Joohoney…” His voice tone made the raven-haired think he was gonna cry. “I love him a lot. Did you know, hyung?”

Hyungwon could help but chortle, admitting his exhaustion with a deep sigh.

“You’re dating him since 2017. It’s kinda obvious. If you’re going to be needy, wait til he gets here.”

“I like you a lot too, Hyungwon…”

“I have a boyfriend, Gun.”

“I like Hoseok hyung a lot too.”

“He has a boyfriend, Gun.”

The moron chuckled, moving his head to look up at Hyungwon.

“I know I joke a lot… but I’m really happy for you and Hoseok hyung. The past years were like, shitty, to all of us. I love you two a lot, that’s why I’m the main Wonseok shipper. Fuck Kihyun and Minhyuk, the title is mine. Maybe I should make another song for you guys.”

Damn Gunhee, making him feel sort of soft when Hyungwon wanted to murder him on a daily basis.

“You’re insufferable, Gunhee. But thanks. I’m going to deny if you tell someone this… I enjoy that song. I bought the album.”

The screech that came out of the younger man’s mouth almost gave him an ear bleeding.

“Wonseok lives! Forever! I made it with all the gayness in my heart. By the way, is Hoseok better? Jooheon said he was sad because… that.”

“I think so. We visited the girl today, she’s recovering well. I hope that helps him.”

“Hyung…” At that point the little shit was already cuddling with him. “He loves you a lot. I saw… how he was hurting when you two were separated. You can never break up with him or I’ll jump off the Han River bridge.”

“You’re ridiculous. But I don’t doubt you’d do it. I don’t intend to leave him, if that helps. He’s the first and last.”

“Aww…” His smile was from ear to ear. “Is it weird that-”

“Yes, Gunhee. Everything you do is weird. But you’re my friend, so go on.”

“Look at us, like… bonding. Real friendship hours right now.”

“Shut up and sleep. I’ll wake up you to take the med later.”

“Love you, hyung. I need validation, say it back.”

“Ugh… I slightly developed some affection for you. Now go to sleep before I knock you out.”

 

_Hoseok let me kill Gun Challenge: failed_

[07:26 pm]

 **Trophy wife** :

**Minhyukkie** : WOWWWWWW THE UWU JUMPED OUT

 **America’s true love** : a man can’t rest without being harassed by dispatch

 **Trophy wife** : Shut up that’s the only time you looked cute and 80% of the reason is Jooheon

 **America’s true love** : I’m injured, have some compassion

 **America’s true love** : Jooheon said he liked it but too lazy to pick up his phone

 **Trophy wife** : Have you guys seen the most beautiful man alive today

 **Stupid Hamster** : yes I have a mirror

 **Trophy wife** : Begone, thot

 **Trophy wife** :

**Minhyukkie** : thats some #boyfriendmaterial pic 10/10

 **Trophy wife** : He IS a 10/10 man

 **Hoseok** : dsjkdhJDLFJKHFDYGNJSDKFSDKJFHJK <3

 **Hoseok** : btw he let me have a private instagram acc, followed yall there I HAVE SO MANY PICS TO POST

 **Trophy wife** : …………………I’ve made a huge mistake

 **Hoseok** : too late

 **Hyunwoo hyung** : lmao this ig is basically a hyungwon fansite

 **weirdest maknae** : how tf hyungwon has no bad angles

 **America’s true love** : I’M HOLLERING THE PICS OF HYUNGWON SLEEPING THAT’S TOO CUTE I WANNA CRY IT HEALED MY SOUL

 **Minhyukkie** : I KNOOOOOOWWW I JUST SAID UWU OUT LOUD

 **Hoseok** : Honestly I have more pics of him sleeping than of him awake

 **Stupid Hamster** : bitch me too tf

 **Trophy wife** : LEMME SLEEP IN PEACE, HELLHOUNDS

 

 

_OCTOBER, 2020_

“Why the hell am I here in such a cold afternoon?”

One peculiar detail about that day was how much it snowed, and yet people filled the park in which they currently stood as if it was a summer day; Hoseok imagined how Hyungwon would probably call them “sadistic assholes”, which he did agree that time. At the sight of Minhyuk dressed in at least 4 layers of clothes, Hoseok grinned at his best friend.

The weather was ruthless for everyone except the kids playing around; that icy day didn’t matter as much as their desire to build snow castles and other figures. Even for Hoseok, a true enthusiast of cold, it was kind of awful to leave the house without his thickest coat and scarf — the red one his boyfriend gifted him on his birthday. The thing is, if they hadn’t called him the night to arrange that meeting, he would’ve probably bailed out to eat the rest of the food his mother made at home.

A cloudless whiteish sky surrounded Minhyuk’s profile from his point of view.

“It think it’s important.” The older man made space on the wood bench for his friend to sit beside him. “Kihyun usually doesn’t call us like this.”

“Christ’s sake.” Passers-by were startled by Minhyuk violently rubbing his hands against each other to warm himself up. “Couldn’t we have met at someplace with heating? I’m freezing my balls off here. Also…” The man craned his head towards him. “Kihyun isn’t your boyfriend’s responsibility?”

Hoseok was briefly distracted by the gelid breath that came out of his mouth, tightening the scarf on his neck.

“He is our friend too. And Hyungwon is kinda busy this week. I barely saw him the past days, and I live with him. What about you? Feeling better about the E word?”

“Well…” The man pulled his turtleneck all the way up to cover his face. “I’m in the acceptance phase. But it’s gonna hit me all over again when Hyunwoo really leaves next year. Like… shit getting real and stuff.”

“It sucks.” Indeed. Hoseok already ached when thought about being away from Hyungwon too. “He’ll be able to go home a few days, though. It’s not like you’re not going to see him during his service.”

“That’s the only reason I’m alive.” The way Minhyuk crinkled his nose made him laugh. “Why there’s so many people here? It’s the last day of Chuseok. Go home, heteros. Do you think Kihyunnie will at least bring us some songpyeon?”

A quick check on the perimeter, after Minhyuk mentioned the man they were supposed to meet, and Hoseok saw a very familiar figure sauntering in their direction.

“Hey there, demons. It’s me, ya boy.”

He didn’t even had time to react to Kihyun’s appearance for Minhyuk expressed himself quite clearly.

“Why the fuck you wearing a leopard-print coat? And have a bottle of champagne? It’s past noon.”

Unhurriedly taking off his dark sunglasses, Changkyun’s boyfriend eyed them nonchalantly, crossing a few meters to stand in front of them.

“I fear nothing and no one. This is my ‘I’m either celebrating or scheming’ outfit.”

“We know.” Hoseok remembered well a few occasions in which he had seen Kihyun like that. Someone always ended up either pissed off or drunk. “What’s the mood for today?”

“We’re celebrating. A bitch is going to join the film production of a MBC drama. The bitch is me.”

Before any of them had the chance to make another question, Kihyun opened the bottle and drank a good mouthful straight from it. That being said, Hoseok concluded a long time ago that none of his friends were much of a fan of discretion. The scream that came from beside him almost had the blond man falling off his seat.

“That’s amazing, Kihyunnie!”

The typical Minhyuk attack fell upon the brown-haired man, almost making the latter drop his drink because of the passionate hug. Once one falls in the arms of that hyperactive puppy, it’s hard to get out before, you know, being crushed.

A massive force was put by the youngest man into slapping his best friend’s back.

“Yah, Lee Minhyuk! You’re suffocating me, get the hell off.”

Laughing, Minhyuk pulled back, but pointed a finger at the man in front of them.

“We’re still your hyungs, dummy.”

Kihyun huffed like a spoiled child.

“When it’s Hyungwon, y’all cackle. But I can’t have a yaja time in peace.”

Hoseok and his friend shrugged at the same time. With a perky smile, Hyunwoo’s boyfriend justified himself. Sort of.

“He’s too pretty. I can’t be mad at him.”

Throwing an eye roll at Minhyuk, Kihyun sat beside Hoseok.

“Speaking of that turtle, after the rest of our birthdays this year passes… we should do something together in Hyungwon’s birthday. Like, a trip. You know, I think it may take a while for a reunion after that.”

“Gosh, Kihyunnie.” His best friend, that now stood in front of them, crossed his arms. “You make it sound like we’re going to war.”

“As if. Y’all know I’d be very mad if a war broke out. I’d kick everyone’s asses myself so I can watch Netflix in peace.”

Seeing how amused Minhyuk was, Hoseok let the man keep doing the talk.

“Honestly. I don’t doubt you’re going to John Wick our way out of a war.”

A chuckle came out of Kihyun’s mind, who strechted his limbs before getting up.

“Maybe I should get a dog. What do you think, Minhyuk?”

“The dog died, Ki.”

“Not in the second movie.”

The men nearly forgot Hoseok was there and motioned to walk away, waving at him to join them. Once beside the two of them, he shook his head in disbelief.

“No one born in our year is normal, I swear.”

“Shut up. We’re here to celebrate, so we gonna.” Kihyun was resolute, dragging both of the men by their sleeves towards some food truck. “It’s on the hyungs, I gotta be pampered.”

 

His hands still smelled like the ramen he had previously eaten with Minhyuk and Kihyun, whom by the way emptied that big champagne bottle within an hour. The low electronic sound made by the door lock once he entered the passcode always alerted his cat, so it wasn’t a surprise Bong Cha was the first one to greet him at the entrance.

What caught his attention was the TV, turned on; Hoseok didn’t expect his boyfriend to be home at that hour, or any time soon by the way Hyungwon’s last text wasn’t clear of when his schedule would allow him to come home earlier.

A large stage, surrounded by thousands of people — red dots on screen — engulfed the room with screams, which entertained his boyfriend, sat in their sofa.

“Hey, baby.”

The man didn’t seem to have heard him, and Hoseok knew he didn’t do it on purpose. Hyungwon just forgot of the rest of the world when he watched anything from his favorite group.

One of his most adorable moments was when he kind of danced along with the song choreography from the couch, which he was currently doing. Hoseok simply leaned on the wall and watched him with a silly grin on his face.

“I know you’re there.” Hyungwon’s sudden affirmation made him snicker. “Come here.”

With a nod, Hoseok ambled in the man’s direction, wrapping his arms around him.

“Didn’t want to interrupt your alone time with your childhood boyfriends.”

Eyes still fixated on the screen, Hyungwon chuckled.

“I can do you both.” Glancing at him then at the TV, the younger paused the concert he watched. “Fuck, I missed you.”

A lot of history was told through their kisses, but theirs was the only one that mattered.

Nothing but the sound of their lips against one another could be heard for a while. Hyungwon made an observation after having his lower lip bitten by Hoseok.

“You taste like ramen.”

“Yeah.” His boyfriend’s bangs were way too long, so he pushed a few locks of it to the side. “Kihyun told me to say you should answer his texts or he’ll come after you with an axe, The Shining style.”

“Ugh. Whatever. Anyways… how are you? Barely saw you lately. Sorry I was too busy.”

The way Hyungwon sulked would have Hoseok forgiving him of anything on Earth.

“Don’t worry, baby. I understand. What are you watching?”

“Oh.” His boyfriend shifted a bit to face their television again. “The 3rd Asia Tour. You know, the last one with the whole group.”

When the DVD started playing again, the yells and the music filled the room again, alongside the pleased face of his boyfriend, even though he was watching that for, probably, the 200th time.

“I think you told me once, but I forgot. Who do you like the most?”

Hyungwon craned his head in his direction as if he had said something sort of absurd.

“How old are you? You know it’s called bias. And it’s Yunho. That one.” He quickly pointed at a man taking the screen all himself. “Don’t mind the haircut, the 00’s were tough. Sexiest one, bless him. The one behind him is Changmin, Kihyun’s bias, because they’re both devils.”

A loud chortle came out of Hoseok’s mouth; he had never been much of a huge fan, but learned a lot about DBSK by osmosis since he met Hyungwon. The latter kept going on his love for his favorite.

“The way he sings and dances like… you know, sex god and stuff, but… he’s also a huge dork outside stage. Manly, but cute. I like it.”

Hoseok laughed so loud his stomach began to hurt a bit.

“Hyungwon. I think you have a type.”

“What?”

“Repeat your last sentences.”

Frowning in confusion, his boyfriend seemed to be recapping his actions.

“A huge dork? Manly, but cute?”

During his words, one of Hoseok’s fingers was used to point at himself. After a few seconds, Hyungwon’s eyes widened so much it was almost as if he had seen a ghost.

“Holy shit. I do. Hoseok, holy shit.”

His body quivered so much from his laughter that Hoseok’s hands still trembled when reached out for the younger’s face.

“Does that make you the other guy? The one who left and you liked with Yunho.”

God, Hyungwon was too sweet for his heart to handle that in such large quantity. The man almost jumped off the couch with the second realization.

“I can’t… I’m Jaejoong? Oh, God… Hoseok, I’m Jaejoong.”

“You’re prettier.”

Letting a shy smile appear on his face, Hyungwon shifted close to him again. Hoseok’s hand traveled all the way across his boyfriend’s waist and dived into his neck; he smiled against Hyungwon’s skin when he heard the latter let out a needy moan.

“Hoseok… We need to talk about something.”

Oh, boy. Things that usually followed sentences like that weren’t pleasant.

He retreated fast to gaze at the younger man.

“What?”

“Do you… want to travel? With me?”

The sigh Hoseok let out took a bit of his soul with it.

“Jesus, Hyungwon. I thought it was something serious. You’re gonna kill me.”

Hyungwon stared at him with expectant eyes.

“So…? Like, a vacation. You and me. On Christmas, maybe.”

After steading his respiration again, he agreed.

“Sure. To where?”

“Paris.”

Perhaps it was very perceptible the shock on his face, because Hyungwon gazed at him as if Hoseok was about to pass out.

“Hyungwon…”

“Listen.” His fingers entwined with Hoseok’s, bringing the latter’s hand up to plant a kiss on it. “I know it’s… You don’t talk much about it, and I understand, if it was me I’d do the same. But I don’t want anything in the world to still be ruined by that. We should make good memories to let the bad ones be forgotten. And I’ve never been there. We can take new polaroids with me _in_ the pictures, this time. These will be happy ones. I’ll kiss you in every corner of that town if that makes you feel better.”

Of course that, just with a short look at Hyungwon with such pleading eyes would melt the shit out of him; his doubts and fears were still there, and they poked him with a sharp stick. What was the middleground possible to keep his heart at ease?

As long as Hyungwon by his side.

“Okay.”

“Really?” The man beamed at him almost as if he had a star inside him. “YES!”

The warmth of his mouth peppering kisses all over Hoseok’s face made him happier than he imagined he’d be.

Effortlessly, Hoseok tugged his boyfriend by the torso and laid him on his back in the couch, pressing their bodies so tightly he had to remember to let Hyungwon breathe. Their hands moved in their particular routes, not quite in the same roads; Hoseok was likely to find himself with arms grasping his boyfriend’s thighs around his waist, thrusting their crotchs together just to take beautiful moans out of the man under him.

Hyungwon was more of a scratcher. His nails were in the business to mark Hoseok’s entire body while his tongue was inside the older’s mouth, to close a distance that didn’t really exist, but was myth Hyungwon liked to believe; perhaps, one day, the raven-haired would have more and more of Hoseok’s skin to press against his — he hoped, but wasn’t really obsessed with it. As long as Hoseok kept loving him in that way only the two of them knew how to understand, it’d be alright.

Hyungwon’s teeth raked one of his shoulders, arms encirclying Hoseok’s neck to press him down into his neck as much as humanly possible.

“Fuck…” His boyfriend gasped slowly, savouring the groan coming out of his mouth. “Hoseok… I love you so much.”

That was a moment to make a pause on that make out session.

His face was just a few of centimeters away from the younger’s.

“More than Yunho?”

Not a second passed and Hoseok felt a tweak on his hair, pulling him down to receive a peck on the lips.

“More than anything.”

 

 

“Still can’t believe you two are leaving us behind, after everything we’ve done for you…”

Changkyun’s childish voice, on the other side of Jooheon and Gun’s living room, almost had him rolling his eyes, but he didn’t want to move away from his boyfriend’s neck; in the end, a middle finger was enough.

Hyungwon’s best friend sounded incredulous towards the maknae.

“What did you expect? That they’d take us to their romantic trip?”

The man kept whining.

“Yes. I’d take hella nice pictures of them.”

“Next time, maybe.” His boyfriend stirred a bit on the couch while talking, pulling Hyungwon up on his lap. “All of us together.”

“Yah.” Hyungwon’s voice was kind of hoarse because of a cold he caught the week before; at least his organism seemed to work fast in recovery. “It’s our city. Leave these morons here.”

“DID YOU BUY PARIS?”

Of course the biggest idiot of them all would make the stupidest comment on his way back from the kitchen, to grab more snacks. It was Jooheon’s birthday, but the boy wasn’t in the mood to go out to party — which Hyungwon was thankful for — so they decided to gather at the birthday boy’s apartment.

Quickly, he lifted his head to throw a death stare at the man.

“This question was an offense to human kind.”

“But seriously, hyungs…” Gun moved swiftly between the others to join Jooheon on the floor, beside the TV stand. “Christmas won’t be the same without you. Who’s gonna provide the drama we love?”

“I told you once.” Hyungwon raised an eyebrow at his friend. “Let me tell you again. Get. A. Life.”

“Fine.” Gunhee shrugged in the most idiotic way possible. “But this is gonna be, like, the season finale’s episodes with Wonseok in Paris, the City of Love? Featuring Hoseok hyung speaking French, holy moly.”

Everybody in the room, including his boyfriend, chuckled at that remark, as if his life wasn’t compared enough to a TV drama. At that point, Hyungwon was kind of starting to believe — too many cliché shit, you know, had to be some motive.

“Hoseok, keep a tracker on him.” Hyunwoo, sitting on the other side of the couch with his arm around Minhyuk’s shoulder, pointed out. “I lived 4 years with him and I think he got lost in the university at least 20 times.”

“Real.” His damn best friend endorsed. “One time at high school I told him meet me at my house after his classes ended and he ended up in Muan, don’t know how until this day.”

“I remember one time!” Minhyuk stated so strongly that he bounced a bit on the sofa. “It was that day he punched my dad. Hoseok hyung said he left with Gun and Jooheon, but 3 hours later we found him, like… 2km away from the dorms. Kihyunnie almost had a stroke.”

These fucking people.

His boyfriend shifted a bit to look up at Hyungwon.

“I didn’t know that.”

“I told them… not to tell you. I was feeling weird that night. Because, huh… we encountered your ex at that store and, I don’t know, I just dissociated.”

He wanted to find more ludicrous the way Hoseok tilted his head, gaily smiling at him.

“Aww… Were you jealous? I was already in love with you at that time.”

Had it not been for the massive love he felt for that man, Hyungwon would’ve thrown him out of the window for making him blush so damn much in front of their friends.

“I REMEMBER THAT!” Gunhee yelled. “He was kinda weird after we left Jooheon at his dorm and I said ‘Hoseok hyung will be back, don’t worry’ and Hyungwon looked at me and said ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ and I bounced outta there, after that.”

Just when Hyungwon thought he couldn’t be more exposed in his life…

“Shut up, Gunhee.”

“Wait.” Jooheon now was the one to give an input. “Wasn’t that at that time Hyungwon kinda avoided us for a while, so Hoseok got drunk and almost kissed him?”

He almost flew off of Hoseok’s lap to defend himself.

“We didn’t almost kiss!”

A voice behind him arose to contradict.

“But I almost did.”

Hoseok let loose his grip on his boyfriend’s waist so Hyungwon could turn around to face him.

“What?”

“We got really close that night, and I wanted to kiss you. More than I’ve ever wanted before.”

Well… The more you know, right?

“So…” Gun had more to add to the talk. “I basically created Wonseok? My comment was what triggered that chain reaction? I’M SO FUCKING POWERFUL!”

There was a part of him that was eager in tugging his head in the lit up stove, but once more Hoseok read his thoughts and tightened his hold on him. All Hyungwon was left to do was to facepalm to hid how red he was.

“Since we’re sharing some stories…” Something in Hoseok’s voice sounded promising. “Gun once said he had to kill Jooheon because he didn’t know how to flirt with him. That was only how he would find peace again.”

Minhyuk was the first to burst into laughter, followed by everyone in the room except Gun — who hid his face between his legs — and Jooheon. That latter furrowed his brows at his boyfriend when expressed his feelings about it.

“I don’t know why I’m surprised he said that. He ran away when I tried to talk with him, I thought he found me annoying.”

The latter’s boyfriend dramatically jumped on the man, smashing his cheeks as he held Jooheon’s face with both hands and gave him a peck on the lips.

“Of course not! You’re amazing! A genius! Cutest man alive, owner of my heart! I was just scared of making a fool out of myself. I wanted to impress you.”

That was really cute and shit, but Hyungwon needed to mock someone that night.

“You need to be reborn at least 2 times to be able to impress someone.”

Alongside a sigh, Minhyuk leaned his head on Hyunwoo’s shoulder.

“We’re a mess. We should sell the rights of our squad’s story to, I don’t know, Park Chan Wook. I trust him with us gays.”

Hyungwon scoffed at that stupid statement.

“Good. It’s my chance to go full Macbeth on you bitches.”

 

 

_DECEMBER, 2020_

If, somehow, Hoseok managed to convince himself that he was completely cool with that trip before, their arrival at the airport sort of changed his mind about it. The insane noise of airplanes going and coming back above their heads, combined with the turmoil that airports became at the end of the year — families with kids running around the place, excursion groups gathered in small circles as if they were a football team, all kind of young kids with huge camera in hands, ready to take pictures of celebrities crossing the ambiance… It was all too familiar with the first time Hoseok was there, to leave to France, to leave… Hyungwon behind.

“You’re making me nervous by being nervous.”

His boyfriend’s statement scared him a bit, too lost in his reveries to notice the man frowning at him.

“Sorry… I… don’t have good memories about this place.”

Timidly smiling at him, Hyungwon held Hoseok’s hand between both of his. Moving one of his hands to run his fingers through his freshly dyed black hair, the younger man sort of combed his locks, putting his own beanie on Hoseok.

“It’s alright. I’m here, with you. Everything with be okay, my love.”

It was such a fond gaze and gesture that it made Hoseok blush a little.

“Okay.”

 

 

Without a doubt, Hyungwon knew he was using all his power to not let out the spoiled child he could be sometimes, but it was just… utterly frustrating. He didn’t have realized that, once more, they’d be going to a country in which only Hoseok could understand what the hell the natives were saying — sure, he only knew what Daran could tell back in Thailand, but still… sucked.

His body leaned against a wall of the lobby, waiting for his boyfriend to finish their check in with his brilliant French, and Hyungwon concluded he’d be completely useless if he were to be alone at some point in that city. However, where the fuck would he go without Hoseok? It wasn’t in his plans, anyway, so he shouldn’t worry. Absolutely. Yes, that was the key phrase.

_Do not worry, Hoseok is here._

They landed on Paris 6 days before Christmas, which meant the city was already overflowing in a turmoil of tourists like them. It was less cold than Hyungwon imagined it’d be, though; he was able to see a few points of the city through the cab’s windows, which made Hoseok grin like a dork every time Hyungwon caugh the man watching him.

Instead of a spoiled kid, in the end Hyungwon concluded it’d be better just to say “fuck it” and go with the flow, Hoseok was there. Nothing else mattered.

“All done.”

For someone that wasn’t much of a patriot, Hyungwon never thought he’d appreciate someone speaking Korean as much as he did when his boyfriend approached him. The man handed him the keycard of their room, smiling way too much for someone that didn’t rest during the entire flight.

“Come on.” Hyungwon motioned towards the elevator with his head. “Let’s sleep.”

He heard Hoseok stopping on his tracks behind him.

“You can’t come to Paris and just sleep.”

Turning on his hells to grin at his boyfriend, the raven-haired man lifted an eyebrow.

“It’s 08:00 am, Hoseok. You didn’t sleep during the trip. Not gonna have you passing out in a city I can’t speak shit of the language.”

 

Hotels had been a common occurrence throughout his life. Obviously, Hyungwon hated most of them — it felt impersonal and intrusive, as if the walls had eyes and the sheets were little claws itching his skin.

Not that one. Hoseok, who stood by the window to check the view of a familiar town, looked like the goddamn bronze sculpture of a god as the faint sunlight assailed his skin; perhaps, he inferredlater, any place that had Hoseok in it would be unconditionally less horrible than if originally without him. A bit illogical, but he wasn’t about to question what made him happy.

Taking silent steps in Hoseok’s direction, the raven-haired quietly wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s torso, propping his chin up on the man’s shoulder.

“How are you feeling?”

“Good, I guess.” Hoseok didn’t sound too certain of it, though. “It’s… weird. When I went back home, I thought I’d never come back here. So much happened since then…”

“Yeah. I wasn’t too fond of it too. The world took too much of us already, though. Let’s have this city, and fuck everybody else.”

His boyfriend’s laughter made him giggle along with it.

“You’re annoyed you can’t speak French, right?”

_Goddamnit._

“Me? Slightly. It’s still hot when you do, so I’m fine. For now.”

“Is it?”

“Very.”

If he felt a bit down before, it didn’t seem like it when the man practically tackled Hyungwon into bed.

For the record, he truly intended to go to sleep before.

 

 

Easy to say at that point, but he should’ve taken Hyunwoo’s advice more seriously. Sure, Hoseok wasn’t expecting to lose sight of his boyfriend in their first afternoon in France; the streets were crowded like crazy near the Basilica of the Sacred Heart which, unexpectedly for an atheist, was the spot Hyungwon wanted to see first. The latter’s voice inside his head argued something about architecture and history, and Hoseok wasn’t too bothered to open a debate about that.

However, how on Earth does one lose a 1.81cm Korean man, walking around with a gray hooded sweatshirt and jeans? Hoseok really peaked in dumbness with that.

His multiple attempts to reach his boyfriend by calls and texts proved to be useless, so he’s not proud to say that he entered the desperation state, certainly looking like a crazy person running around with a camera hanging from his neck.

At the sight of his dumbass boyfriend peacefully sitting on one of the steps of the stairway, in front of the Basilica — which he had passed at least 5 times before noticing the younger man calmly turning the pages of a small book.

Sometimes, letting the overthinking get the best of him, Hoseok still wondered how the hell did he manage to have the most beautiful man to walk that planet as his boyfriend. Just sitting on those steps, with nothing but the feeble sunlight casting an angelic aura around him, made Hyungwon look like he wasn’t even from the same plane of existence as the other humans.

It’s possible — he wasn’t keep tracking of it — that he stared at Hyungwon for more time than he intended to; in a natural move, his hands lowered a bit to pull his camera up and take a few pictures of the younger man.

Out of all the things, that seemed to have brought Hyungwon’s attention to him. Putting a hand over his eyes to minimize the sun’s brightness and have a better look of his boyfriend, Hoseok smiled.

“What are you doing?” As he climbed a few stairs to sit beside him, Hyungwon frowned at his camera, then back at his face. “Where’s our polaroid?”

With a quick kiss on the younger’s cheek, Hoseok gestured towards the small bag hanging from his shoulder.

“It’s for special moments.” His voice tone had to be a bit higher because of all those people around them. “Yah. Don’t get lost! I was crazy looking for you.”

Hyungwon cackled so hard he gripped Hoseok’s arm to maintain his balance.

“I went to that store.” Hyungwon pointed at the modest shop at the end of the street. “Then came back because you said to wait for you here. I saw you passing here 3 times, but didn’t think you were fucking blind.”

The disrespect.

“YAH! I was really worried!”

“No need. I’m always amazed when you come back to me.”

Here came the hurricane that turned Hoseok into a tomato with just a few words, so it was natural to be too taken aback to notice his boyfriend grasping his gray cardigan; the distance between their lips no longer existed, in broad daylight — not moaning in front of dozens of strangers it’s a really hard task, he’d admit.

Inhaling too fast as soon as Hyungwon pulled back was as sharp as much it was a bit painful.

“The hell?”

Even with eyes still shut from, you know, the shock, the black-haired man heard his boyfriend’s lively snort.

“I told you.” Hyungwon moved fast to plant a peck on Hoseok’s lips. “I’m going to kiss you in every corner of this city. Oh, right.” A sudden gesture around the place illustrated his thoughts. “You came here before. Where _Hyungwon_ would be?”

 

 

“Where is it? Just tell me.”

From the wood bench in front of the I Love You Wall, Hoseok cackled for the 5th time in a row at his boyfriend’s obsession with his quest.

“Just let me take the picture, Hyungwonnie.”

“But I want to find our language!”

His pouting made it even funnier.

“Fine. At the top, right side, almost near the edge. See the ‘Te amo’? On the left side.”

Hyungwon didn’t even care about the people eyeing him when he began jumping up and down pointing at the ‘I love you’ written in Korean; Hoseok could only laugh at those cute antics.

“I FOUND IT! THERE! I LOVE YOU!”

“I love you too, Hyungwonnie. Come on, the lighting is good. Stand there.”

Once the excitement about the words was over, his boyfriend ran towards him, snatching the polaroid out of his hands.

“No.” Checking the camera, he motioned for Hoseok to take a step forward. “You fit this place better. Be a fine piece of ass over there.”

If someone could understand what his boyfriend was saying, no one but Hoseok reacted to that affirmation — Hoseok thought about sending the man back to his spot so he could snap a photo, but decided to let him have that.

What wouldn’t he do for that man, though. Hunkering down near one of the edges of the wall, Hoseok chuckled at how Hyungwon hugged his legs with one arm, impressively ready to photograph with just one hand. The glare he received from the taller man had him doing a simple smile.

 

_Hoseok let me kill Gun Challenge: failed_

[11:56 pm]

 **Hoseok** : <3

 **Hoseok** :

**Trophy wife** : Post this shit on ig

 **Hoseok** : You never check it :( Look at this beautiful man :( Look at this picture taken by this beautiful man :(

 **Hoseok** :

**Trophy wife** : Let the handheld scanner rest (but I’m an amazing photographer)

 **weirdest maknae** : DGHGKSJJDGHKLJGFHDGKSGLF WE STAN MODELS I’m concerned about the whites™ behind hyungwon tho

 **Hoseok** : He kissed me in front of them and we survived, don’t worry

 **Joohoney** : WONSEOK 1 x WESTERNERS 0

 **Hoseok** : He also kissed me after he took this picture and someone said “this wall is gay culture”

 **Stupid Hamster** : heteros 0 x wonseok 2

 

Above it all, throughout the next couple days they spent in Paris, what stunned Hoseok the most was how much he was nothing but delighted by the trip. Sure, the constant sight of Hyungwon made any place on Earth better, but the uncertainty he expected to feel at least a few times vanished as if it had never been there. His love wasn’t a magic wand that fixed the broken things, but put Hoseok enough at ease to be able to enjoy all the moments he shared with the man he loved. More than enough, more than he’d ever imagine.

It was almost as if he could see the past Hoseok wandering around those locations with a bitter grin as he pictured how it’d be if Hyungwon was there; true, Hoseok was miserable and lonely, but always in love with him. In his silly dreams, the raven-haired would yell at him so he would pay attention to what he was trying to show, following the man into fading away like smoke, for both of them didn’t belong there; an achromatic shape gave space to noisy people strolling around, bringing himself to gaze at Hyungwon.

Every single time Hoseok fixated his eyes on the younger man by his side, whom usually would be dumbfounded by something or laughing at it, he could sense how insisting to pursue the troubled path that returned Hyungwon to him was the best thing he did in life; that also meant every thing that happened before he left. By running away from someone, he ran into the love of his life. The dazzling stranger having a panic attack, his beloved friend, his fake boyfriend — twice, his real boyfriend — twice. Owner of his heart, the only man Hoseok ever pictured himself with.

A tap on his shoulder startled him a bit.

“Yah, quit daydreaming. I am the dream.”

“Sorry.” On his hand, his toothbrush already had paste on it, set by his boyfriend. “I was thinking… About how we met. Regardless of the bad events, I think I’ve never been happier to run into someone inside a maintenance room.”

“Jesus…” Hyungwon bit his lip to conceal a smile. “When someone asks ‘How did you two meet?’, do you respond with a ‘Oh, he was having a panic attack and I invaded the place he was hiding in’?”

Hoseok’s snort reverberated through the hotel’s bathroom.

“At least our story isn’t boring. Panic attacks, sharing a bed, drunk people, fake dating, chaebols…”

Leaning his forearm on the sink, Hyungwon bent his body a bit to let out a quiet chuckle.

“Just say that we met in college and some assholes tried to ruin us, but we’re meant to be. So fuck them.”

“You’re a poet. When do you want to go to the Eiffel Tower, by the way?”

“The day after tomorrow.”

“But it’s gonna be on Christmas Eve. There’ll be more people… you don’t like people.”

“What?” His boyfriend seemed quite affronted by the way he put down the water glass on his hand. “I’m not an emo teenager. And yes, the day after tomorrow. I hope it doesn’t snow. Come on, quick. Let’s go to the Louvre!”

 

 

As much as it sounds like an exaggeration, the conjuction of screams and noisy engines around the entire amusement park made Hyungwon feel as if he was about to enter a slaughter house. However, with just a peek at his boyfriend, he bursted into laughter.

“You look like I brought you to die here.”

The man tried to express some coolness with their location, but didn’t succeed.

“I was… There’s too many gigantic things.”

Hyungwon took a bit of pity at the older man.

“We don’t need to go there. Let’s buy some couple stuff.”

It wasn’t an entirely sunny day, but surely was better than it’d be if they were in Korea at that moment. Paris’ weather allowed him to wear just a sweatshirt and jeans, which was a lot to Hyungwon. He tried not to be too much bothered by all that uproar around them, focusing on the man holding his hand.

They played half dozen more games inside the park, in which Hyungwon was awful in most of them — it’s not like Hoseok didn’t know what he was buying by insisting him to play along, so the joke’s on him. Literally. The man’s face every time was so damn endearing and hilarious that Hyungwon couldn’t help but to chuckle at that; Hoseok ended up chasing him around in sort of outrage.

After they passed by one of the last gift shops of the park, Hoseok was enamored by 2 puppy stuffed toys, and obliged Hyungwon to take a picture with it on his head. For the aesthetic, according to his boyfriend.

All silliness apart, Hyungwon enjoyed his mint chocolate chip ice cream when his hand was yanked away from his mouth.

“Lemme have a taste.”

Not that Hoseok actually waited for an answer before taking a bite out of his ice cream cone, just to write that down.

“Yours is literally the same flavor.”

“Yeah.” Hoseok giggled, covering his mouth with a hand while savoured it. “But you put your tongue in yours, so it tastes better.”

“I…”

Even if half of his instincts wished to say something witty at that moment, the other half was way more distracted by his boyfriend’s laughter right in front of him, which didn’t take too long to make him chuckle too. Never before Hyungwon thought it’d come the day where he’d acknowledge Kihyun was right.

He was so fucking whipped.

 

After lunch, on their way to the Louvre, they made a stop to watch a couple of street musicians playing La Vie En Rose; things were going well until the moment that, out of the blue, Hoseok started laughing so hard his eyes turned into a straight line, and worse: not telling him what was that about.

With an elbow resting on his boyfriend’s shoulder, Hyungwon looked at him for elucidation.

“Hmm?”

Hoseok quickly bowed at the couple before turning his attention to him, saying something in French that sounded like a thank you.

“They asked if you ran away from the Louvre, because you look like an artwork.”

_Jesus Christ._

Honestly, Hyungwon almost let his coffee fall off his hand when hit by that tsunami of embarrassment.

No words would be enough to voice how much he wanted to curl up into a ball to hid his pinkish face, but Hyungwon chose use his free hand to try to cover his dace. Hoseok, apparently, was having the time of his life by the intensity of his laughter.

With nothing much to do about that, Hyungwon chose to bow quickly at the two musicians and walk away.

“I hate you.”

Hoseok didn’t even wince at that, still with a goofy smile on his face.

“It’s not my fault you’re too pretty for this world.”

As much as an idiot in love that Hyungwon was, he still needed a bit of vengeance, so he used the advantage of being a bit ahead of his boyfriend, suddenly crouching down in the middle of the street to embrace his knee.

He almost felt bad with the worry in Hoseok’s voice.

“Hey, does it hurt? What’s wrong?”

The glasses sliding down his boyfriend’s nose made it really difficult to be a little shit. And yet…

“Yes.” Summoning all the acting Gods in the heavens, Hyungwon threw an uncomfortable look at him that vanished within seconds. “I didn’t kiss you here yet.”

The coffee was quickly place on the floor as his other hand grasped his boyfriend’s sweater by the collar, smashing his lips against Hoseok’s. It was faster than he wished it to be, but victory still remained by the way the older seemed too fazed to react.

If Hoseok could respond in time, it didn’t seem like it. So Hyungwon grabbed his coffee and ran, waiting to hear his boyfriend’s yells behind him.

“YOU’RE SUCH A BRAT!”

As always.

 

 

A quick look over his shoulder made him notice their significant distance from the Arc de Triomphe du Carrousel, but a colder wind hit Hoseok’s face, so he looked beside him to check on his boyfriend; the man had only a simple long-sleeved shirt on him, and would probably complain about the weather within half an hour, at most. Regardless of that, the sky above the city still seemed relatively clean.

Hyungwon loved and hated the Louvre.

As a huge fan of art, the man was delighted by the collection of masterpieces inside that colossal building, even though they arrived at what seemed to be the peak of visitors. With a hold on Hyungwon’s hand, the latter would lead the way across the rooms as if he had been there a thousand of times before; however, if he did, they would receive a lot less looks from the public. Sure, Hoseok understood the fact that his boyfriend was stunning in a lot of ways, but he couldn’t avoid feel a bit annoyed by that.

He was only human.

“Hyungwon.”

The younger kept his eyes on a painting, humming in acknowledgement.

“Half of this gallery is staring at you right now.”

His head rapidly craned towards Hoseok, frowning. Just with a peek at the ambiance over Hoseok’s head, he wasn’t very convinced of that.

“They’re looking at the paintings, not me.”

“Don’t be silly. You know when people are ogling you.”

“Why does it matter?” Hyungwon tightened the grip on his hand. “Are you jealous? You’re never jealous.”

Hoseok wasn’t. Really, he would swear on-

Unknown voices around them made the same gasping sound similar like a house of cards crumbling down, getting more distant from Hoseok’s ears as Hyungwon slid his tongue inside his mouth; the only thing left for him to do was to keep clutching his boyfriend’s shirt, pushing him down a bit so they could match their heights.

The kiss, that probably only last a few seconds, felt like hours to Hoseok.

And that was how Hyungwon won an argument. By the way, being the first one to pull away, Hyungwon took Hoseok’s hand on his again and sneaked a quick look at the visitors around them, chuckling in the end.

“You good now? People quit _ogling_ me, as you stated.”

Damn right. That man was his and only his.

“You need to give me a head start before kissing me like this.”

With a mischievous grin, Hyungwon leaned in his direction and grabbed his face with both hands, crashing his lips against Hoseok’s again, briefly. His stunned face seemed to have pleased his boyfriend, since Hyungwon chuckled after that.

“No. It’s fun to see you flustered. Also, gotta keep my promise to kiss you everywhere.”

No one should expect him to fill a complaint about it.

Hyungwon’s dislike for that museum began once they reached the most congested area of the painting department.

“Why people only care about the Mona Lisa? There’s a gigantic Veronese next to it, but I can’t go there because of this fucking crowd.”

Just a glance at the packed room in which the famous painting resided, and it was really hard to even think that anyone else could fit in there.

“Well…” Grasping Hyungwon’s hand, that hung from Hoseok’s shoulder, he kissed the tip of his boyfriend’s fingers. “It’s famous. People like it.”

“Ugh. Fuck the High Renaissance anyway. Let’s go to the sculpture department to check those stone dicks.”

 

 

_Hoseok let me kill Gun Challenge: failed_

[02:56 am]

 **Hoseok** : Look at this cutie

 **Hoseok** :

**weirdest maknae** : wtf its 3am

 **Hoseok** : I’m truly worried you don’t know the concept of timezones

 **Minhyukkie** : HEYYYY what u two doing

 **Hoseok** :

**Trophy wife** : This was 15 min ago but okay

 **Trophy wife** : I know Gun isn’t awake but just letting him know I’ve never wanted to murder him so bad before

 **Trophy wife** : his song is playing even here in the hotel

 **Hoseok** : I call bullshit I saw him singing along to it

 **weirdest maknae** : wonseok taking over the world 1 death threat at gun at a time

 

 

It wasn’t nothing in particular that drew Hyungwon’s attention to that book; the white cover design was simple, just with the author’s name and the title of the work inside a rectangle, no more than 60 pages. Hyungwon also didn’t know the content of it, since it was entirely in French, but just examining those romanized words slipped a hand inside his chest to cast a shadow of melancholy, much like a solar eclipse.

Art was either there to bring some peace of mind or to show new perspectives through any means possible, and that included not so pleasurable emotions.

Behind him, Hyungwon could hear the incessant click sounds from Hoseok’s camera, whom seemed to be photographing the entire Tuileries Garden while he chose to sit relatively near one of the ponds.

Being the easily bored person he was, Hyungwon took his eyes off of those pages for a while and the view he encountered as he turned around was of his boyfriend overly excited about trees and the architecture of the Louvre, changing positions in no time to take pictures in the Place de la Concorde’s direction. As usual, the bats in his stomach were flying all over the place like idiots.

The man caught his eye on him, and strolled to sit beside Hyungwon.

“What are you reading?”

Passing the book to Hoseok, who settled his camera on his lap, Hyungwon clutched the older man’s arms with his hands and leaned his head on Hoseok’s shoulder.

“I don’t know. It’s in French.”

“They why did you buy it? Let me see… Premier Amour means First Love.”

A cold breeze hit Hyungwon’s face, making him close his eyes to restraining himself to complain about that. The swift flipping of pages relaxed his body.

“ _‘Personally, I have nothing against graveyards, I take air there willingly, perhaps more willingly than elsewhere, when take the air I must. The smell of corpses-’_ What the hell?”

What an interesting topic to be featured in a book with such title.

A snort escaped Hyungwon’s mouth.

“Keep reading.”

“He’s talking about corpses, Hyungwonnie. Wait, he’s talking about dying too… _‘It was December, I had never felt so cold, the eel soup lay heavy on my stomach, I was afraid I’d die, I turned aside to vomit-’_ Okay, this guy is a weirdo. What does first love have to do with graves and dying?”

“Not every first love is a pretty thing to see, to experience. And mainly, white people are crazy.”

“ _‘For I knew I would not be always young, and that summer does not last for ever either, nor even autumn, my mean soul told me so. In the end I told her I'd had enough. She disturbed me exceedingly, even absent.’_ ”

“He’s a dick.” Hyungwon concluded. “But I can relate. About this, not the part of having some graveyard kink.”

“Do I disturb you?”

“A lot. It scares me the things I’d do for you if you asked me.”

Hoseok threw his head back, chortling.

“I only want you to be happy and healthy.”

“That’s fine.” Pushing himself up to stay at his boyfriend’s eye sight, Hyungwon moved one of his hands to caress Hoseok’s cheek. “I’m always happy when you’re around. Tu es mon premier amour, pour toujours.”

Surely, that took the older man by surprise, even though it wasn’t nothing special. The only thing Hyungwon did was buying a French dictionary at the airport and memorizing some words.

“Holy fuck.” If he wasn’t speaking in Korean, certainly some heads would’ve turned by the older’s statement. “Is this how you feel when I speak French? Like… _very_ turned on? Your pronunciation is so cute, though.”

Hyungwon could feel the blushing taking over his face.

“Shut up. But yeah… Why do you think we fucked almost every day since we got here?”

Putting the book down alongside his camera, one of Hoseok’s arms tugged him closer; his boyfriend’s warm and soft lips on Hyungwon’s knew no concept of time, moving leisurely as their bodies fit into one another. The cold was long forgotten somewhere amid the tiny space between them.

“Baby…” Hoseok’s mouth still on his, unhurriedly, made his voice resonate throughout his skin. “I love you so much. You make me so damn happy. Thank you… For loving me too.”

“Today, tomorrow, even more next month, much more next year…”

Hoseok pulled away abruptly, laughing.

“That’s my line!”

 

 

_Hoseok let me kill Gun Challenge: failed_

[10:56 am]

 **Hoseok** : Merry Christmas from us, losers

 **Hoseok** :

**America’s true love** : OKAY FUCKIN FINALLY I GOT HERE ON #WONSEOKTIME

 **America’s true love** : MY POOR HEART LOOK AT MY OTP BEING CANON AS SHIT

 **America’s true love** : FELLAS IS IT GAY TO LOVE TOO MUCH YOUR FRIENDS WHO DATE EACH OTHER

 **Trophy wife** : It’s bisexual. You are bisexual, Gunhee

 **America’s true love** : don’t ruin the meme, hyung

 **Stupid Hamster** : YOU GODDAMN PRICK ANSWER MY TEXTS

 **Stupid Hamster** : merry christmas guys i hope yall take lots of selfies from the fireworks. inside the hotel.

 **Trophy wife** : nasty bitch this is why i ignore you

 **Minhyukkie** : WHY YOU TWO SO CUTE LOOK AT THE LOVE IN THEIR EYES

 **Hyunwoo hyung** : this is now my lockscreen pic. merry christmas, hyungwon and hoseok <3

 **Trophy wife** : Hyung pls poison Gunhee’s food for me I love you

 **Hyunwoo hyung** : it’s christmas. maybe another time

 **Joohoney** : Stop trying to murder my boyfriend ffs

 **Joohoney** : MERRY CHRISTMAS IM OVERFLOWING WITH CUTENESS

 **Hoseok** : thanks, guys <3 where’s the maknae, @StupidHamster

[10:59 am]

 **weirdest maknae** : he woke me up by kicking me out of the bed hope u happy

 **weirdest maknae** : BUT THAT PIC IS WORTHY I LOVE WONSEOK TO DEATH merry christmas guys @Hyunwoohyung lookin forward to your food later

 **weirdest maknae** : sjkfhklhKSFSLDKS jk i know kihyun is gonna cook

 **Hoseok** : shut up and take care y’all, we’re going to the Eiffel tower ttyl

 **America’s true love** : now hyungwon can check what nicki meant with “dick bigger than a tower, i aint talking about Eiffel's”

 **Joohoney** : I take it back, please kill him

 

 

The finitude of things seldom made him sad, specifically when it came to that vacation. However, looking back, it felt a bit insane how much things changed in the span of just one year; Hyungwon and him faced so many ups and downs during the past years, but this time they were together in this struggles, and it made all the difference. No rise would be sweet enough without him, and Hoseok liked to believe his boyfriend felt the same.

Sense of time also hit him with the remembrance that they only had met three years before; it felt like a lifetime together and also apart, which did nothing but corroborate the idea that their youth was becoming an interesting story to tell. They still had their own demons to deal with, of course. Scars inside themselves that, perhaps, would never heal completely; it was okay, though, it was part of who they were and they deeply shared it with each other, and both of them stayed anyway. Only natural, and even more in the way they accepted each other’s flaws and merits by what they were, no more, no less. In the end, his faith laid on the fact that, at the end of the day, Hyungwon always came back to him.

On his left side, inside a cab, his boyfriend didn’t even spare a glance at the outdoor world, clutching his phone so hard that Hoseok was afraid it’d really break. On the streets, people seemed to be thrilled by that holiday — some of them even waved at him; the loud honks mingled with diverse voices’ sounds and French Christmas’ songs made the atmosphere feel so familiar that Hoseok felt incredibly at ease.

Hyungwon wasn’t on the same page.

“Baby. Are you okay?”

As if he didn’t notice Hoseok was sitting beside him, the younger man winced once he heard his question, still scrolling through something on his phone.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”

Countouring Hyungwon’s silhouette, the conquest of the sunset formed a halo that conveyed something in-between gloom and mirth. Hoseok didn’t know how to explain, but, under that aura, it felt like he was seeing Hyungwon for the first time again. Falling in love with him over and over again was always Hoseok’s pleasure.

 

“That’s some big ass lego.”

And he was back.

Hoseok was thanking and paying the cab driver, who dropped them near the Champ de Mars, when his boyfriend’s first comment about the most famous landmark in the world was voiced.

A bunch of kids ran all over the place behind Hyungwon, which made Hoseok notice how packed was that area; but first, while adjusting his red scarf, the older man let out a snicker at that observation.

“Nope. Try again.”

Staring at the tower then back at the older, Hyungwon shrugged, crossing his arms.

“That’s some big ass wrought iron structure built in the 19th century to mark the centenary of the French Revolution.”

Kind of what Hoseok expected to hear, to be honest.

“That’s… better. Come on.”

“No.” Hyungwon came to a halt before the older could drag him further. “Let’s go over there.”

Using his head to motion towards the direction he meant — past the middle of the greenspace — Hyungwon grasped one of his arms.

“But… that’s really far. I thought you wanted to see it up close.”

He smiled at Hoseok like he meant to call him silly.

“I’m pretty tall, I don’t like competition.” Hyungwon cackled at his doubtful look. “Seriously, I’m already seeing the thing. I don’t need to inspect it. Let’s enjoy while it’s still daytime.”

“Fine.”

 

Even though they were more distant from the tower than Hoseok expected them to be, it was a very good idea to stay away from the large crowds trying to take the same picture from the Eiffel from different points of the front public lawn. Even with the sun’s gradual disappearance between the clouds, the weather was good enough for them to sit on the grass before the icy night wind hit the town.

If someone were to ask Hoseok what love meant to him, without a doubt, he’d explain that love was the way he encountered a bit more of inner peace every time he kissed Hyungwon; his heart, bouncing at no preset altitudes, was always fascinated by the lean body that, against his own, felt much like just another section of Hoseok’s body. Cotton candy dreams, the coziness of wearing comfy clothes after meeting the rain, Hyungwon’s laugh making flowers grow through the cracks in concrete; it was him, but it was also Hoseok, for Hyungwon was the very other half of him.

Moving away a bit to look at his boyfriend, Hoseok shifted a bit on the grass to lie on his back, one of his arms still wrapped around Hyungwon’s waist. The latter gasped a bit, as he was reminded of something to share.

“Hyebin called me yesterday. Wished us merry christmas.”

“That’s nice. I miss her, actually. Didn’t you promise to dye your hair pink with her?”

“Yeah… Maybe I will. She’s a really nice kid. I bought a guitar for her before we came here, she liked it.”

That made Hoseok really happy.

“You’re such a goofy older brother.”

His boyfriend raised an eyebrow to mock him.

“You can’t say shit. You’ve been spoiling the kid since she moved to the Sakura building. Hoseok?”

The guffawing of children a few meters away from them distracted Hoseok for a moment. Hyungwon kindly poked him in the cheek.

“A penny for your thoughts?”

“Nothing much.” Hoseok’s mind just alterned between stages of thinking how happy he was. “Always thinking about you.”

Propping himself up on an elbow, the younger feigned a disapproving expression.

“Lame. I’m thinking about my grandparents. My mother’s parents.”

“While we were kissing?”

A hard slap hit Hoseok’s shoulder while the latter giggled.

“Shut up. They died when I was 8 or 9, maybe, so I spent just a few years with them. I don’t actually remember much… I have only this _feeling_. They were the only decent people in my family, by the way. During one summer I spent at their house, my grandfather told me that they met here, in Paris. I don’t know why I remembered this now, but it’s kinda nice.”

_Cute._

“Did they also think the Eiffel is a huge lego?”

“Maybe.” Hyungwon’s eyes lazily closed while he stretched his arms. “At least the name is cool. Can you imagine having one of the famous monuments in the world named after you? My surname isn’t pretty, but yours is. I’d like it.”

The older man’s response was a quick chuckle, shutting his eyes to take a deep breath and embrace that joy. He was adoring that afternoon more than any other before.

“I’d like it.” Hyungwon repeated, in a lower voice tone. “I’d like to be named after you.”

“Hmm?”

Hoseok’s attempts to not choke on nothing once he gazed at his boyfriend again were useless, mainly because he’d continue to gag on nothing in the following seconds until he roughly pulled his body up now to sit on the grass.

No one could blame him for wanting to burst into tears when his eyes laid on Hyungwon, still supporting his head on one of his elbows, extending the palm of his hand in his direction — with a freaking ring placed in the middle of it.

Words were very difficult to put together while his heart almost escaped through his mouth.

“W- What?”

Visibly nervous, Hyungwon shifted positions to mirror Hoseok’s.

“My grandfather also told me… if I were to ask someone to marry me, there was no better place than… here. He probably thought it’d be with a girl, but who cares…” The man’s voice began trembling a bit, and Hoseok was really using all his willpower to hold back the tears. “I never thought… I’d go this far. The biggest difference between how we were years ago and how we are now is that we share the joy we attain by ourselves. The road to happiness may not totally depend on one another, but I’m sure we became better people, people who want to give and gain support. My love… I don’t want to be in the way to your goals… I want to be beside you, as your companion, as your friend, as your husband. Years ago… I questioned myself on why I love you with such intensity. My conclusion is… that I just do. I don’t need a reason, nor want it. I know I can be difficult sometimes, but I’m really trying to improve. For myself, for you, for everybody else in my life. Hoseok, I’m offering you my devotion, hoping it’s enough. I’m choosing you, hoping that you’ll choose me.”

No one could convince him that his sould didn’t evade his body for the solid minute that took his boyfriend to deliver that lovely declaration to him.

His mind got so caught up in the moment that he forgot he had to respond, which made his boyfriend look even more apprehensive.

“Do I have to…” Straching his neck with his free hand, Hyungwon seemed to be considering options. “On my knees and stuff?”

To be honest, Hoseok expected his voice to crack and drown in the ocean of tears that would pour out of his eyes… and yet, at that minute, he just wanted to keep staring at Hyungwon with all the love he could muster. And answer.

“No, no, no.” He cleared his throat in the middle of his words, keeping his adorable boyfriend to change positions. “I mean, you don’t have to… God, Hyungwon. I wasn’t… ready. I think… I forgot how to breathe.” A panicked laugh escaped his mouth somehow. Leisurely, his trembling hands held Hyungwon’s face, with more conviction. “Baby… abso-fucking-lutely. Yes. Yes, yes-”

No one could say where Hoseok’s laughter ended and Hyungwon’s began; dozens of kisses leapt out of their mouths in a hurry as if the world was going to end, even though it was just starting for them. He didn’t care if people were staring, or about nothing but the man he currently held in his arms, forehead against his, sharing such warmth that the coming of the icy breeze passed unnoticed.

“Gimme your hand.”

With one last peck, Hoseok held out his right hand to Hyungwon, feeling the urge to cry coming back. On his finger now rested a white goldish ring, with a single polished band around the centre of it.

“Where’s yours?”

Quickly putting a hand on the pocket of his coat, Hyungwon took out an identical engagement ring, putting at the older’s disposal.

“Wanna put it on?”

“Of course.”

Just like that, Hyungwon and him sealed their destiny in this life, and made a promise to all the others after that one.

“All done.” Raising his hand in front of his face to show it off, Hyungwon quickly chuckled. “Now we match.”

“When did you even bought this?”

“2 months ago.” The man laughed again at Hoseok’s stunned face. “Kihyun and Changkyun helped me. I’m tasteless, I’d buy the first pair I laid eyes in the store. And yes… I brought you here with it in mind. Why are you pouting?”

Nothing much. He just wanted to have had that idea first.

“I always thought it’d be me to propose… Wait. Do you think the guys made a bet about that too?”

As he entwined their fingers together, Hyungwon threw head back, cackling.

“Yes. Kihyun and Kyun promised me a good wedding gift with the money.”

“You were really scamming our friends! Still wanted to have had this idea…”

“You’re getting old, Shin Hoseok. Losing your touch to romance.”

“Yah! Stop denigrating me, I’m your fiancé now. That’s how you intend to be for the rest of our lives?”

He pulled the younger harder than intended, but Hyungwon continued to make fun of him.

“Maybe we could get a senior discount at the museums we’re going tomorrow. Don’t worry, I’ll tell them you’re pretty functional despite your old age.”

Hyungwon knew him too well, for he swiftly moved away from Hoseok’s attempts to grasp his arm.

“YAH! CHAE HYUNGWON!”

The man was faster in escaping Hoseok’s hold, darting for nowhere specifically in the park, loudly giggling as if no one else but them were around. Of course he couldn’t help but laugh too, chasing after his boyfriend while trying not to bump into anyone else. The skies above their head steadily darkened into an indigo tone, and the consciousness that every single detail of that moment was very genuine struck him in the most beautiful manner; the simply self-awareness that Hoseok was the luckiest man alive could have him running across the continents. The extent of his imagination of could never create such flawless scene, it was real and it was Hyungwon and him, together towards the future. His only expectation was to be with him for the rest of his days, despite the tribulations and obstacles that could appear to test their faith in each other.

For what’s worth, Hoseok always believed that loving Hyungwon turned his existence into a shared one; good and bad moments, to be able to share his life with someone soothed every problem he could have, just for the fact of not being alone.

To belong, to someone or somewhere, is powerful.

Most of all, Hoseok was happy they managed to be a “we”. A “we” that no longer ran away from things, from each other; life was complicated and funny and a million of other adjectives, but never ignored. Now they ran towards something, in a direction they didn’t really know if it was going to be the right one, but the eventual mistakes didn’t erase their other achievements.  

His heart believed that was just another beginning for them, even if small steps would be needed.

Hoseok was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so............. that's it folks  
> thank you. really. thanks for enjoying or for just reading it. in the 6 months i wrote this, my days were less shitty than usual, and i appreciate doing what i like to do, writing. 
> 
> i know i'm still lacking in a lot of things, but i hope this was a good journey for you, wherever you are. thank you. i don't know what else to say, so i'm just gonna thank you all. i'm also really happy about MX's 2nd win, the boys deserve it so much and i'm sure they'll have the world one day. 
> 
> [the book hoseok was reading is premier amour - samuel beckett, that one hyungwon was reading in the from zero MV]
> 
> this is now my moment to press play in my ugly crying playlist while i remember this story is now over, but probably gonna write the one i mentioned before in a few weeks. sorry for talking too much and for the long ass chapters and bad jokes, i'll try to do better in the future. 
> 
> take care, kids, maybe i'll see you soon

**Author's Note:**

> hello there. drink some water and treat yo self
> 
> you can send your complaints to [@chwkdy](https://twitter.com/chwkdy) on twitter, multifandom but doesnt bite 
> 
> (peace sign emoji)


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